Who are the people in your synagogue?

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Yep, still doing countdown posts. Don't be a hater. Some are really great! Click here to see them all.

Every Orthodox synagogue I visit has the same type of people. Two years ago I tried to list these archetypes, though as per usual, some of the best ideas came from the comments. Also, as per usual, one or two people thought the post was mean, when really it was (for the most part) written with affection. These are my people after all.  In today's countdown post I reprint that famous list and invite you to evaluate and update it. (and to put in on Facebook, please!)

Shul casting call

Originally posted Monday, May 13 2013

You're opening a new shul. Along with a rabbi to make speeches and a control-freak to serve as gabbai what are some of the roles that must be filled if your shul is going to feel "authentic?" My list:

• Banger A guy to bang a table to remind people to say prayers that aren't part of the daily liturgy such as ya'aleh v'yavo. This role can be filled by the gabbai, but most proper shuls have at least two or three self appointed tablebangers.
• Shevach screamer If your shul is going to recite Kel Adon responsively, you will need a least one guy to say the word "Shevach" really loudly right before the congregation recites the last stitch. 
• Shushers (1 for every 35 members): Whenever the talking gets a little robust these guys play the important role of adding to the noise and the general sense of no-decorum by hissing - sshhhhhhhhh - really loudly. At least one shusher should also be a glarer.
• Eye-rollers (1 for every 50 members) Because its near-impossible for a speaker to sparkle week after week, your Rabbi will occasionally say something ludicrous or barbaric. Once upon a time it was correct to ignore the offending statement or to nod in agreement. Not anymore. Your shul will need a guy or two who can, via their animated responses, let the rest of the congregation know when the Rabbi has stepped over the line. 
• Kiddush shlepper and Shtriemel fetcher. In general, the holier a shul is, the more its congregation disrespects musaf. Generally, this disrespect is achieved in two ways: (1) The kiddush is unpacked the moment kedusha ends; (2) The men participate in a mass exodus to the alcove to fetch hats and shtreimals, a mass exodus that starts as soon as kedusha is finished. If you wish to disrespect musaf in the proper Toirah true fashion your new shul will need a few burly fellows to interrupt chazeres hashas by carrying in the boxes of cake and soda and by folding up the chairs and tables. You'll also need a lithe, little man to slip through the hordes to bring the Rabbi his shtreimal. (Heaven forbid your rabbi should be forced sit through the chazan's repetition with a talis on his head like some kind of lowlife.)
• Rabbi hogger A truly excellent shul needs a guy who buttonholes the Rabbi at the end of every service. Ideally, you want someone innocent and sincere who naively believes that regularly subjecting the Rabbi to nonsense questions, inane anecdotes, or recycled divrei torah is appropriate and welcome. If you can't find such a simple soul, get a cynical creep who thinks his status is enhanced whenever he's seen chatting up the Rabbi. 

What else do we need?

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UPDATES
To spare you the embarrassment of having your name mentioned on this blog, I've used initials only. If you'd like a proper hat-tip let me know

• The chazen sheni who never takes the amud himself, but always gets in the chazan's ear, davening as loudly as possible, usually off key. (D.S)
• Candy man (by RJY) 
• Sleeper. Every shul needs a guy who drifts off the second a speech starts (D.S) 
• The learner: Studies instead of davening, always conspicuous (D.J)
• The three alcoholics who step out as soon as they do pesicha and start doing shots in the kitchen, pausing only to answer BRRRICHI and UMEIN to everyone's aliyah. (LF)
• The gangs of kids stampeding through the shul every so often. (LF)
• The guy who ignores the whole service until the Tefillah for the Medinah is said. Then he stands up and declares his allegiance to Israel by casting mean looks at people who haven't stood.
• The "What is this? A Young Israel!" person. Utters his motto as a quick and easy way to discredit any new idea. Example: We really shouldn't set up the kiddush during musaf.... What is this? A Young Israel!
• The little kid with the HUGE bag of food. Raised by parents who believe starvation can happen in less than an hour. Also, someone in his family survived the war, and BY GOD MY CHILDREN WILL NEVER GO HUNGRY
• Yaamod guy. Without him how will chatanim and bar mitzvah boys get aliyahs?
• Dagger eyes aka Red face. Whenever the shul deviates from its own established nusach or custom or style in any way, however minor the deviation might be, this guy lives up to his name
• Hatzola guys- in shul with their radios squawking just loud enough for others to hear and know that he's "on Hatzolah" (SM)

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Why do you pray, DovBear?

Another day, another countdown post as we slowly approach Pesach. Click here to see them all.

Today I refer you to a post from 2008 in which I argued that while prayer can't possibly change perfect, omnipotent God it does change us. When people ask me why I pray, I always point them to this post. It's succinct, complete, firmly sourced and, represents my true and actual point of view. See it here:  http://dovbear.blogspot.com/2008/12/prayer.html

Thanks for reading and sharing. (hint, hint)

Cholent, Kugel, the Tish and some pre-Shabbos fun

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Tonight, we have a series of  Countdown Posts for you, all having to do with shabbos.  See all previous Contdown Posts here

The first one dates to the primordial days of the blog and describes my first Tish experience. Naturally, I saw it in terms of other religions.

Next come some reflections on kugel and cholent. The kugel post is not about the biblical scholar, but about the clot of noodles and/or potatoes we Jews adore. Its noteworthy only because it received a furios comment, now lost, from Alan Nadler. The cholent post discusses how a ban on everyone's favorite stew is actually a confession of impotence on the part of those issuing the ban.  Cholent lovers might also enjoy this excerpt from Henrich's Hein's The Sabbath Princess in which he glories of cholent are recounted in poetic paragraph after poetic paragraph 

Finally we give you one of the blog's sadly infamous posts: A style guide for the pre-shabbos happy hour  To cleanse your palate check out this powerful rendition of Kedusha performed by a fellow who would likely be denied entry to your local Orthodox shul. It's awesome all the same.

See all the good stuff after the jump


BABY'S FIRST TISH

Originally Posted December 22, 2004

A few days ago, I went to my very first Tish. Here's my review:

Music: C 
It was certainly loud, and energetic, but my tastes in Jewish music run here; not here.

Aesthetics: F 
The room was done in a style I could only call "no taste." There were peeling ceilings and worn-our rugs. The lighting was bad, and it was cold. Woman, obviously, aren't ever permitted in that clubhouse.

Drasha: A 
Fast, and incomprehensible. My translator said it was ok, though.

Food: N/A 
I don't eat food that's hand-delivered. Especially when the waiter picks his nose.

Overall: B 
The whole experience was very catholic. When the presiding Rabbi entered, we rose and sung, much in the way a cardinal is welcomed into the cathedral for mass. We sang hymns, and ate an offering of kugel. Though we weren't asked to fall to our knees, and accept the instrument of Godly salvation on our tongues, the food was passed by hand, and the hasidim fought for a morsel as if they thought it offered the blessings of God himself

Perhaps if I'd permitted myself a taste, the whole carnival might have made some sense.

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Kvelling about kugel

Originally posted: September 28, 2005

B R E A K I N G

Today the Dining and Wine section of the heiliga New York Times turns its august attention to kugel:

I didn't know until recently, though, that this homey casserole of noodles or potatoes was credited with mystical powers. Allan Nadler, a professor of religious studies at Drew University, studied references to kugel in Hasidic texts and ate it in Brooklyn and in Jerusalem at about a dozen rebbes' tishes, or tables, where male followers of a Hasidic rabbi gather to eat, sing and study the Torah. According to Hasidic interpretations of Kabbalah mysticism, he said, kugel has special powers. "Clearly the spiritual high point of the meal is the offering of the kugel," Professor Nadler said. At that moment the rabbi has the power to bestow health and food, and even to help couples conceive.

And I didn't know until recently that Alan Nadler was a raging lunatic. Mystical powers, including the power to impregnate are wrapped up in one little nasty clot of eggs and noodles? Is he serious? Worse, do entire cults of Jews believe this to be true?

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The end of Thursday night cholent

Originally Posted July 5, 2011

Mouse over please

Some of the great holiday weekend news from Israel includes the following.

Thursday night cholent is now banned.

This is a big deal for yeshiva boys, many of whom consider the Thursday night chow down to be the highlight of their week.  

I'm not sorry to see this ritual abolished. The yeshiva boy's glorification of food, terrible food especially, never seemed to me to be especially frum. Also the mad desire for a particular food, at a particular time, seems to speak of some kind of emptiness in the yeshiva boy's soul. Who but an unhappy person sees something holy and fulfilling about a plate of over seasoned beans? A well rounded person doesn't consistently plan his week around a trip to a greasy spoon for a plate of guaranteed indigestion.

Though I won't miss Thursday night cholent, I am sorry to see this latest confession of impotence on the part of the rabbis. Had they any power or charisma at all, wouldn't they simply order or convince yeshiva boys to channel their cholent energy into something more edifying? The fact that they are instead using the threat of canceling kosher certifications to coerce honest, hard working, shopkeepers into closing early suggests a certain weakness and uncertainty on the part of the rabbis. Why blackmail shopkeepers? Can't yeshiva students be instructed? Won't they listen if told by their teachers that Thursday night cholent is gross and unbecoming? All pious talk about how the yeshiva world honors and obeys rabbis, and hangs on every precious rabbinical word, desiring only to learn and improve under loving rabbinical direction, seems badly undermined if the single most obedient cohort --yeshiva boys -- can't be bothered to follow rabbinical directives.

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Guys got to eat: Pre- Shabbos Happy Hour

Originally Posted: May 7, 2014

Is DovBear transitioning into lifestyle blog? Not likely. I'm just sharing my thoughts and experiences as per usual

Now that we're in early-shabbos season, many of the men in the audience are escaping to their decks and patios for a pre-shabbos happy hour. In most neighborhoods, you start around 6 p.m. and wrap things up as close to mincha as possible. Usually, no more than five guys attend, and twosomes and threesomes are not uncommon, with most staying for 25 minutes or less. These are quick things.

** Pre-shabbos Happy Hour might not work for everyone. It can be hard to pull off if you have small kids, a disorganized, last-minute personality (or a  wife like that) or an inflexible work schedule. However, I don't think its fair to assume that it only happens if the wife gets screwed. There are other models.

As a veteran of dozens of these small, informal gatherings I can tell you there are generally three ways to pull it off.

A BAD JOB

The Drink: Want to strike out? Put out a low end beer, like Bud or Coors. There is literally never a good excuse to serve these horrible beverages. And you lose points for using a Red Solo Cup.

The Snack: Chips and salsa. You think you're playing it safe. Really, you're being cheap and boring.

PERFECTLY  FINE

The Drink: You owe it to your guests to pour something decent, plus you don't want to look chintzy. At around $50, Oban fits the bill. Its sweet with a pleasant hint of smoke without being peaty. Larceny is a good up-to-the minute option for your bourbon lovers, and Blue Moon is your can't miss beer.

The Snack: Toss your favorite variety of Jack's Sausages on the grill, and serve them in thirds with a good mustard. No one wants to overeat or get full right before shabbos, so cut them up.  Put out some olives and pickles to go with the chips.

NOW YOU'RE TRYING

The Drink: You'll still need a whiskey/bourbon option for the unadventurous, but you can show you're trying by offering to start things off with a cocktail.

Don't bother with something complicated, and stay away from anything that requires weird ingredients or fruity garnishes.The Lime Rickey (air conditioning in a glass) is nothing but ice, lime, bourbon and seltzer. Thanks to Mad Men, the Old Fashioned is enjoying a reawakening. You can make one in your sleep: Just splash some bitters* on a sugar cube. Soften it up with some water or seltzer and add a slug or two of Rittenhouse Rye.

The Lime Rickey goes in a Collins glass like this nice looking number from Stolzle, Set of six - $37.99 (three left!).

Use a low ball glass for the Old Fashioned. This Borgovo Gotico- $56 costs way too much ($56!)  but feels great in your hand.

* Angostura Aromatic Cocktail Bitters are certified kosher, and can be used to mix up a great OF. $12 bucks from Amazon (and about $8 in your local grocery)

Draper makes an Old Fashioned, but because he's gay he added a cherry and an orange. Don't make this mistake. All you need is a sugar cube, bitters, ice, a splash of water and Rittenhouse Rye

The Snack: While the sausages are on the grill, serve up some dips like matbucha or chumas. Bonus points if you, or better yet your wife, can make them from scratch. [Recipes here] If you are going to use a store-bough chumas, freshen it up with some oil and lemon juice before serving. If you have skills, make some wings, too. Be aware that at a minimum you'll need to section your wings, and render out the fat before applying your sauce.

Make it heimsih: Add kugel of course.

What should you wear? Don't be the dork who shows up in the suit and tie he wore to work. Take a minute to put on a polo (like this black one from Nautica) and a pair of chinos. (I like Bonobos but this flat front pair from Dockers is just fine.)

If you have some better ideas, please share them in the thread.

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What if it turns out God's a monster?

Hello and welcome to another amazing countdown post. Click here to see them all.

Today's post dates all the way back to 2006, a glorious time in the life of this blog. I don't remember writing this post, let alone what I was thinking as it was composed. But I do remember what it was like to blog before Facebook. You could sneeze and get a hundred comments (though after Facebook page-views did skyrocket) This post isn't a sneeze. Its a well thought out wail of concern.

Enjoy.

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My nightmare

Originally posted August 30, 2006

What do we do if it turns out God's a monster? I mean what if after 120 we discover the extreme Haredi/RW Zionist conception of God is true, that He's basically this overlarge sky demon who likes watching us do bizarre things.

It's not impossible.

I can conceive of a 7 year old tormenting smaller, stupider, weaker creatures with absurd demands. Why not extend the analogy? Why couldn't God be a brute, but a benevolent brute who took us out of Egypt and as payment wishes for us to keep our meat and milk separate (which I do, religiously) and slaughter Arabs (which I don't do, religiously or otherwise) and all the rest?

Maybe the extreme Hasidim are correct about God wanting men to avoid woman and secular wisdom they way other men might avoid the plague. Maybe God wants us to devote ourselves to a life of wearing fur hats and white socks. Maybe the sight of all those little people dressed in black, singing songs and eating kugel, makes the creator happy, in the way it pleases my son to see the residents of his ant farm scurry about. Is it impossible? Why?

Maybe the extreme non-Hasidic Haredim are right to be hostile toward science. Perhaps it's all a test, and the non-benevolent Trickster God did bury all those dinosaur bones, and fiddle with the carbon levels just so he could see for sure if we loved Him or not.

Maybe the extreme religious Zionists are right about Arabs. Perhaps we are supposed to be stacking their bodies like cordwood, and razing their villages and orchards so that the next generation of Kachniks have a place for trailers and target shooting.

If any of them are right, it means the Rambam was wrong, and that his rationalist conception of God and the Law was about as accurate as his views on medicine. It would mean that those Rishonim-accepting Jews who believe that the Torah was given to us only for our own benefit, have half the picture.

But it would also mean that a lot of what chazal said about God, is true. The idea of a monster God even fits a lot of what God said about himself in the Torah. Oh dear.

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The right way to think about ritual law.

Welcome to the fourth in our series of countdown posts.

Today's edition begins with another attack on Cross Currents, the blog's favorite punching bag, but ends with one of the great observations of my blogging career. In the second post (yes, true believers, you got two today) I develop the idea.  Several years later, a real thinker, one who credibly uses his actual name, published a lengthy monograph which built on this observation. According to a mutual friend, this thinker-person was mad and disturbed to discover that I had beaten him to it. Ah, well. Life.

As always, we politely and humbly request that you tell your friends about the countdown and suggest some GOAT posts to be included. Click here to see them all. 

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Is minhag like a dialect?
Originally posted December 19, 2007

Ugh

I've been re-reading RYA's article from earlier this week, and I find myself doubting my original condemnation. Oh, to be sure, I still think his conclusion sucks, but earlier I thought his underlying logic was equally bad. Now, I am not so sure.

INTERPOLATION 

You don't really need this information in order to enjoy the end of the post, but if you are curious...

Here's my original criticism of the RYA article, and here are some of the other things people like GH said about it 

END OF INTERPOLATION

The question comes to this: Is RYA acting as a prescriptivist or is he a descriptivist? The difference: A prescriptivist, (to explain the post title's simile) is like your HS English teacher, the old bat who beats you over the head for splitting infinitives or for ending a sentence with a preposition. A descriptivist, on the other hand, understands that many of the rules of English usage are the result of culture and superstition in that a great many of these "rules" have very little basis.

Most significantly, a descriptivist recognizes that language rules slowly change over time for a variety of reasons, some good, most bad. The prescriptivist, or the very worst sort of prescriptivist anyway, prefers to imagine that the rules are etched in stone, written in the sky, and impossible to alter.

So what is RYA on hashkafa?

At first, I took RYA to be prescriptivist appealing to precedent and tradition. But as aptly shown by Doctor Marc Shapiro et al appealing to precedent or tradition won't work, because what's considered correct changes over time. For example:

• In Rashi's day women, or some women anyway, wore tfillin. 
• Less than 200 hundred years ago, many Jewish women weren't permitted to go to school. 
• There are passages in the Talmud which suggest women could receive aliyot, and that milk and fowl were eaten together. 
• There are old siddurim which provide "she lo asani ish" as the correct liturgy for women. 
• It was also once okay to illustrate your religious books with pictures that depicted God in human form. 
• You could speculate on the mutability of the MT without being called a heretic. 
• And much, much more.

When RYA says certain Jewish ideas and practices are outside the pale, he might be right, but only if he is speaking as a descriptivist.

If he is speaking as a prescriptivist he is defeated by the tradition itself.

Which brings me to my central point, and the meaning behind the simile I used in the title of the post

While recognizing that many language rules are arbitrary and silly, most descriptivists still admit that arbitrary and silly language rules serve a purpose. Namely, they help us determine who is part of our group and who is not.

Consider, for instance, the case of dialects. Most of us speak more than one. I, myself, speak Jewish-English and Standard Written English. These are not the same, and there are situations when one is appropriate and suitable and the other is not. These dialects -and there are hundreds if not thousands of other English dialects and sub dialects - are useful because they help us to determine who is part of our group and who is not.

If he is speaking as a descriptivist RYA's argument has some sense to it, because what he is actually saying is that normative OJ developed contingently, and because 21st century OJs, like any other group, wish to live/work/play and otherwise interact with each other, it helps if we all sort of think and act the same way. Because otherwise, we're not one group. Otherwise, our OJ identity is diluted, just as surely as the identity of a group of African American friends is diluted if they include a guy who wears a kilt.

This argument has some logic to it - perhaps it reduces Orthodox Judaism to a club with a dress code - but the logic is present.

The conclusion, however, still stinks, because what is also present is RYA's unmistakable disgust for Jewish actions and ideas that he, personally, does not hold.

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Here comes today's second countdown post. It uses another issue as its launching point, but swerves back to about how minhag is a dialect.

Defending Yeedle's Composition

Originally posted June 30, 2012

I'm going to take exception here to some of the complaints issued against Yeedle Yid's essay. "Poorly written" said one commenter. Look elsewhere for Chasidim who are "fine writers" said another. An "off day" sneered a third.

What these complainers don't seem to understand is that Yeedle was not writing in Standard English, but in Yinglish, a dialect of English with its own rules and its own conventions. I'm not expert in Yinglish. I can't speak authoritatively about its conventions, or explain exactly how it differs from Yeshivish, but I can recognize it, and I can support a Yinglish speaker's right to make his arguments in his native tongue.

The error Yeedle's detractors made is common. We all have done it or something like it. The basis of the error is the fallacy of authenticity. We often reject things - Yeedle's dialect, a minhag, a nusach, a bit of Torah - because something about it strikes as artificial, or less real.

This is a mistake. There's nothing innately superior about Standard English. It just happens to be the dialect of English used by the American elite, and for this reason alone its perceived as the dialect of education, intelligence and prestige. It didn'tfall out of the sky, but developed naturally over time. And the same is true of our Jewish customs and practices. Shabbos, as I've often said, didn't always mean three meals, three prayer services, fine clothes, fine food, and a long nap. Once Shabbos looked and felt different, and because Shabbos is a living entity, it will continue to evolve and eventually it will look and feel like something else. The way we OJs celebrate Shabbos today just happens to be the way we celebrate Shabbos. There's nothing special about it, or rather what is special about it is entirely subjective, i.e. unique to us, and to our perceptions.

However, that fact that religious conventions, like grammatical conventions, are arbitrary does not mean that they are also unimportant or inconsequential. For instance, I concur with those who said that Yeedle's arguments would be more effective if he made them in SE. His use of Yinglish rather than SE has consequences. In America, those who use other English dialects to communicate are judged unintelligent; likewise, those who celebrate shabbos, even a halachic shabbos, in a non-Orthodox style are not going to be fully accepted in most Orthodox communities. Spend shabbos sitting in jeans with a tuna sandwich at the neighborhood park and most Orthodox will decide you're somehow less Jewish. These are just blunt facts.

If Yeedle wants the world at large to listen to what he has to say he's going to have to learn to say it in SE, and if the jeans-wearing shabbos observer wants to be accepted by the Orthodox he's going to have to adopt Orthodox shabbos conventions. No matter how arbitrary grammatical and religious conventions might be, you simply have to follow them if you want the members of that discourse, or religious community to take you seriously. People judge you on how you dress, how you write, how you speak, and in the OJ world they also judge you (or perhaps "grade" is a better word) on how you perform rituals and carry out Commandments. That's Just How it Is.

Meanwhile, Yeedle's unfamiliarity with SE shouldn't be misunderstood. Yeedle's essay wasn't poorly written, and he's not a bad writer. He's simply not fluent in SE.

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Moron war: MOM vs BHM

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I'm counting down to Pesach with 25 days of fantastic DovBear posts. Each day. we'll run at least one classic post from the last ten years, so if you've never really understood  how this blog became so popular this is your chance to find out.  Click to see all the countdown posts so far

Back in 2007, I frequently referred to Black Hat Morons and Modern Orthodox Morons. This was not a commentary on the actual sects, but on their worst, most distasteful, representatives.

Today's countdown post dates to that era, and contains what I think was a most excellent attempt to define both terms.

Please do us a favor and share the countdown on Twitter, Facebook, etc. Thanks.

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Morons here, morons there...

Original Publication date: November 7, 2007

Yesterday, I introduced a new acronym, BHM (black-hat-moron) to the DovBear lexicon (joining GOPJew and KefiyaTalis as phrases invented here.)

But what exactly is a BHM? See below (and for the sake of comparison and fairness, I've also defined MOM (modern-orthodox-moron))

	BHM	MOM
Michaper Kol Avonot (forgives all sins)	His hat	His Zionism
At kiddush, will knock you over to get:	Kugel (burnt and greasy, please)	Sushi
Cause of all suffering in the universe:	Short hemlines / The New York Times	Muslim Arabs / The New York Times
Nightmare of nightmares	An unmarried 19-year old daughter	A meshulach at the door
Dream of dreams	A 5000 sq foot house, with a Lexus sedan in the drive and jealous neighbors next door	A 5000 sq foot house, with a Lexus SUV in the drive and jealous neighbors next door
Sin that's not really a sin	Tax fraud, bigotry, cheating at business.	Mixed swimming, fish at non-kosher resteraunts.
Favorite mitzvah	Sitting in a bes medrash, drinking coffee, and "learning"	Voting Republican
How he makes his decisions:	Decisions? Huh? I just ask my Rav.	Is is good for Israel?
How he learns chumash:	Rashi is always right! (Unless the Little Midrash Says disagrees, in which case teku.)	Scours texts to develop apocalyptic scenarios involving crystals and space aliens, all having zero basis in legitimate commentary
How he learns gemarah:	Chazal are always right! (Only modernishke herr doktor scholars look at Rishonim)	Gema-what?
Favorite holiday:	Lag B'omer	Yom Ha'atzmaut
Ditches his wife, family and all household responsibilities to:	Sit in a bes medrash, drink coffee, and "learn."	Play poker and/or attend sporting events
Has a child named after:	Fauna (ie: Dov, Tzvi, Ze'ev)	Flora (ie: Ilan, Tomar, Daphne)
Favorite blog:	Yeshiva World	DovBear

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Evidence, like rodeo, is for the gentiles:

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I'm counting down to Pesach with 25 days of fantastic DovBear posts. Each day. we'll run at least one classic post from the last ten years, so if you've never been quite sure how this blog became so popular this is your chance to find out.  Click to see all the countdown posts so far

Today's countdown post is from less than a year ago. It attempt to express my frustration in dealing with people who have what might be termed a "Haredi mindset." In brief, this means they've already made up their minds about the nature of things and instead of reconsidering their conclusions in response to new facts, they think its a mark of piety, faith and Jewish-honesty to rethink their original claims instead. This is a classic example of ad hoc thinking.

Please do us a favor and share the countdown on Twitter, Facebook, etc. Thanks.

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The Torah-True Response to Evidence

Original Publication Date: Monday, June 30, 2014

What follows will illustrate the difference between regular people and Torah-true people.

Claim: the moon is made from green cheese.
Counter - evidence: astronauts return from the moon with rocks
Regular person: Well what do you know. I guess the moon is made from rocks.

Claim: the moon is made from green cheese.
Counter - evidence: astronauts return from the moon with rocks
Torah true person #1: obviously the astronaut is lying. All he wants to do is destroy our emunah to justify his own love for pork and loose women
TT #2: When we said the moon was made from cheese we meant the other moons not this one
TT #3: The moon used to be made from cheese but the teva changed and now it isn't
TT #4: the moon is both cheese and rock in a spiritual way that none of us are holy enough to understand
TT #5: when we said the moon was made from cheese we were speaking allegorically
TT#6: Tomorrow the scientists will just change their minds again and tell us the moon is made from cheese

SUGGESTIONS FROM OTHER PEOPLE

TT#8 To understand why the rocks are not a problem, you will first need to understand neo platonian metaphysics, aristotelian meta linguistics, maharal, moreh nevuchim, ralbag, rashbag, ben bag bag, Kant, Heidigger, Schilling, and Plantinga. But of course you're just an intellectually lightweight blogger, influenced by the current zeitgeist, with no deep understanding of anything, only interested in scoring cheap shots and preaching to your echo chamber, so I'm not going to waste my time explaining it to you.

TT#9: The rocks were put there on purpose at time of creation to fool the scientists/to test who's emuna is real.

TT#9 People died going to the gas chambers singing ani maamin that the moon is made of green cheese, how could you question that?

TT#10 My father told me its made of green cheese, and his father told him, all the way back to the original green cheese revelation. Are you calling my father a liar?

TT#11: GCM (Green Cheese Moon) has sustained our people for 3000 years (insert Mark Twain quote here). Those who questioned GCM are now consigned to the dustbin of history. They have no past, no future and no present. In fact, if it wasnt for me constantly reminding you of how bad the GCM deniers are, you wouldn't even know about them.

TT#12: Maicheesidies has paskened that GCM is a required belief. There's nothing to debate.

TT#13: If Chazal said GCM is true, then thats more real than anything else, even astronauts with rocks. Chazal create reality, its emes veyatziv.

TT#14: True, its a kashyeh. But no one ever died from a kashyeh. When Eliyahu Hanavi comes he will provide the tirutz

TT#15: Its pure gaavoh to think you can answer such questions, or even ask such questions. We know Chazal were 100% right.

Don't forget those who simply compartmentalize: "I believe religiously that the moon is made of cheese, but that has no bearing on my secular understanding that it is made of rock"

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A Bear's Kol Nidre

Back in 2007 I wrote up a quick description of the Kol Nidre experience in my shul. It was huge hit. The next year I added description of other shuls I attended, and other people from other types of shuls begin sharing their experiences as well. Over the years I compiled them as part of what I called the DovBear Kol Nidre project.

Today's post, the first in countdown of classic posts that will culminate on Pesach, is the Kol Nidre project post from 2010

Please do us a favor and share on Twitter, Facebook, etc. Thanks.

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Sectarian Differences on Kol Nidre night

Original Publication Date: Thursday, September 1,  2010

The Big Shul Where I Grew Up and the Yeshivish Minyan I Attend Now

• Attendance: 90 percent of the shul is in their seats by the time the pregame starts. 20-50 percent are wearing white kippot (in the childhood shul the number was higher.) Most of the women are wearing something white, too.
• Pre-game: Every Torah is taken out of the Aron, and the pillars of the community are honored with the privilege of carrying them. (This is one honor that isn't auctioned to the highest bidder.) The rabbi leads the procession to the shulchan, reciting Ohr Zeruah l'tzadik every few steps. We answer him. When the men reach the shulchan they crowd around the chazan who has been waiting there, pushing in as tightly as possible. All of this began within 30 seconds of the announced start time.
• The show: Takes about 10 minutes. The chazan always uses the same tune, the traditional tune that can be heard on any number of cantorial tapes. His voices gets louder each of the three times he recites it. We hum along, and answer thunderously when the time comes to scream: solachti kidvorecha. After the chazan intones the shehechayanu the Torahs are silently returned to their place.
• Post game: The children exit, and the Rabbi delivers words of encouragement or rebuke, and in some years, an appeal is also conducted for some worthy charity. (not the bedek habayis fund). Marriv begins afterwards, led by the chazan, who also selects the tunes for the slichos which are sung responsively.

The Hasidic Sfard Shteeble I Used to Attend

• Attendance: About 15 percent of the shul is present at the announced start time which is for Tfillas Zaka, not Kol Nidrei. Aside from their kittels, very few of the men are wearing white, and many have substituted a standard black gartel for the kittel's white belt. A number of the women wear white and many have identical white kerchiefs over their wigs; some wear what look like white aprons.
• Pre-game: The congregation gradually enters, and slowly the men take their seats and hunch over Tfillas Zakka, a long semi-silent prayer said in an audible whisper. In a few minutes the drone of conversation is replaced with the hum of prayer. At some point (usually within 5 minutes of the announced start time for Kol Nidrei) a gabbai slaps his hand on a table and the rebbe groans or whines or wails out a kabbalistic prayer called Kum Rebbe [name I forget. Eliezer?]. Those who know it whisper the words together with the rebbe.
• The show: The Torahs are taken from the aron, and the men carrying them, also community pillars, gather around the shulchan. After they arrive, the rebbe goes to the amud (about 15 feet from the Torahs) and bleats out Kol Nidrei using a tune that is strange yet powerful in its own right, but only vagualy similar to the traditional tune. The crowd bellows the response lines, and at the end the rebbe's shehechyanu is extended into a wail that soulds like the shofar.
• Post-game: When the Torahs are back in their place, Maariv begins immediately, led by the rebbe.

The Reconstructionist Shul... (Tziporah)

• Attendance: Yes, most everyone is seated by the time we start; the people still walking around chatting are either service big-wigs, showing off that they're part of running this thing, or people who come only once/year and have a lot of people to say "hi" to that they haven't seen in a while. Moms are trying to round up the kids and get them settled into the childcare before it gets quiet, stopped repeatedly by the old people who want to talk about "how big" everyone is getting.
• Pre-game: I think one of the rabbis or somebody usally says something or does a reading or whatever to make everyone shut up. Then both Torahs are taken out, and the rabbis carry them around the shul in different directions, singing "Ohr Zeruah" along with the congregation, trailed by Board members, etc. It takes FOR-fricking-EVER. Everyone wants to touch the Torahs and the rows are too long for everyone to reach it, so some scuffling ensues. (Very genteel scuffling, of course).
• The show: For the last several years, the first rendition of Kol Nidrei has been done with a cello and some other instrument. Several of us are horrified by this; some refuse to attend b/c of it; others find it nice and "contemplative." Phhbt. With a Bad Cohen on the ritual committee, they're lucky it's not worse. Anyway, then it's usually the rabbi and one of our lay leaders with a great voice, and the third time is a chorus that always includes the old ladies with the horribly wobbly voices that make you wince. Thank G-d it's over.
• Post-game: Torahs get put away, then there's a neverending procession of readings, speeches, prayers, whatever, all the way through to the Amidah/kaddish, and finally the feature event of the evening: the rabbi's sermon. This is what most of us are looking forward to, since it's the junior rabbi who actually has a formal education and can link HH Days themes to something relevant and make it interesing.
• After the sermon, there's a vast rustle and buzz as people try to exit before the President/Vice President get up and beg for money and more volunteers. It's not pretty.

The Yeckish Shul... (Mar Gavriel)

• "Talles" is scheduled for some time around sunset, or slightly afterward. People start to shuffle in at least 10-15 minutes earlier, but there are always people running in at the last moment. All married men (after Shono Rishôno) wear kittels (as they do on RH, as well). We use the terms "kittel" and "sargenes" interchangeably. Virtually all the women wear white.
  
  "Talles" is when the one rabbi, the other rabbi, and finally the chazzen for KN/ma'ariv sing the berocho over the talles, with great pomp and circumstance, before donning it. After the chazzen is done, each man (married or not) dons his talles. All who are wearing kittels wear all-white talleisim, whereas bachelors and men in Shono Rishôno wear their ordinary black-striped talleisim
  
  At this point, the chazzen puts his talles over his head and entire body, and hunches over the shtender, to silently whisper a personal prayer -- I assume הנני העני ממעש, or one of the other ones printed in the book. When he is done, he removes the talles from his head, and the rabbi, who is standing next to him, proclaims: "בישיבה של מעלה ובישיבה של מטה, על דעת המקום ועל דעת הקהל, אנו מתירין להתפלל עם העבריינים."
  
  Then, the chazzen, in a quiet voice, begins "Kol Nidrei", in the old tune. The congregation hums along for some parts. This is then repeated in a louder voice, and finally in an even louder voice.
  
  When this is done, we say the line
  ונסלח לעל עדת בני ישראל ולגר הגר בתוכם כי לכל העם בשגגה
  a single time, and then Shehecheyonu. The congregation responds a rousing "Omein!" to the chazzen's Shehecheyonu, and then the chazzen sits down.
  
  The rabbi then gives his YK sermon, the only time that he speaks over the whole 25 hours. Usually, this lasts until nightfall, at which point we begin Borachu. In years when there has been persecution of Jews somewhere in the world, or violence in Israel, the sermon has been curtailed, in order to have time to recite some Psalms before Borachu.
  
  The whole procedure is beautiful in its simplicity.
  
  No Torah-scrolls, no Tefillo Zakko, no Kom Rebbi Shim'ôn, no appeal for money.

UK Orthodox Experience.(SM)

• Everyone to be sat in seat before Yomtov. 50% are. The rest arrive - in their cars - after.
• Tefillas Zaka, what's that? Oh you mean the thing that meshugana SM says when he won't respond to everyone's greetings. Kum Rebbe Shimon - ?
• Kittel - I wear one. So does the Rabbi, the Chazzan and perhaps 5 other people.
• Bigwigs take Sefer Torah out of ark and parade them to Bimah. Chazan makes meal of Kol Nidre - must still be hungry. It is the standard tune but by the time he's done it and the choir has helped it doesn't feel like it.
• Appeal for UJIA (Israel). Sermon.
• Ma'ariv. The songs are well known so people stop talking when they are being sung - more or less. Otherwise there is a steady hum throughout. This is better than on RH when you cannot hear the Chazzan or yourself.
• 3 hours later - home.
  Which is why, although I have no affinity for their beliefs, I go to Chabad for Neilah, daven for the Old Age home shacharit and mincha and teach the rest of the time, fitting in my davenning wherever I am and in the quietest place I can find.

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