Pig (2021)

SPOILERS for the movie in here.

Director: Michael Sarnoski

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Alex Wolff

IMDb

Food is such a fraught, weighty thing; it can be political and it can recall all these memories and mean so much to people. In Nicolas Cage’s new vehicle “Pig” these kinds of themes are explored. Cage’s character Robin Feld, an ex-chef who now lives a solitary life in the woods, has a line maybe two-thirds of the way through that really encompasses everything the movie is: “You only get so many things to care about.”

Most of the rest of it is just this tour through the strange and seedy world of the restaurant underground. It’s a curious backdrop for a film and endears me to it – this wholly singular kind of plot and setting. There’s some pretty wild and ugly things that go on like an underground fight club for cooks? I want to know how much this is based on real life. Something tells me there has to have been some real-world connection there. Then you get the more artificial side of the actual front-facing restaurants, so fussy and over-prepared that there’s nothing real in it. All of it really ends up showing you why someone might end up leaving that life.

But he’s got to go back in though. Someone’s taken his truffle pig. He and Alex Wolff’s character Amir, who is trying to start his own business in this crazy culinary underworld, end up on a tour of said underworld, as Robin tries to figure out what the hell happened.

It’s all very moody and somber and the movie doesn’t spell anything out for you. Cage is remarkably restrained and his killer stare does a lot of the work as he chooses his words very carefully. When he does speak it’s like a thunderbolt. You fucking pay attention. Wolff’s character talks tough but he also talks too much and betrays that maybe he’s not as worldly as he wants to be.

Robin goes through this whole thing with a cloud of impending violence over him. But the violence never really comes. There’s one scene with the fight club I mentioned where you get some pretty grisly stuff comparative to the rest of the film, but everything else tends toward the quiet. One of the best scenes is when he visits his old restaurant – now a bakery – and has this really short, tender exchange with the lady who’s taken it over. He gets some baguettes. It doesn’t sound exciting but like I said – food has layers and layers of meaning for people.

Eventually he finds out who took the pig – Amir’s father, played by Adam Arkin, who is now some kind of big kingpin in the Oregon culinary world. Arkin apparently ordered the pig stolen to do what his son was doing selling the truffles but even better. It’s pure capitalistic bloodthirst. No real regard for the humanity. Robin and this guy commiserate just slightly on the fact that they’ve both lost their wives. In an earlier scene Amir had said Robin once cooked a meal for his (Amir’s) parents that they talked about for years after. Unlike your usual “who took my (x)” Taken/John Wick sort of film, there’s no big beat-em-up action scene. Instead Robin cooks the same meal as he’d done years before – he says he remembers “every meal he’s ever cooked, every person he’s ever served.”

Killing the other guy with compassion. Reminding him of what was lost and what matters in life. It’s genius. I wish I had thought of it. The underlying theme speaks to me of the human connection that really matters more than anything else. It sounds like something obvious, but stripped to its core with how the movie presents it, and especially with the raw, quiet ending - it comes off profound. At the end of the day, by the time the last line tells you Robin's deceased wife had given him the pig as a gift and that's why he's so hellbent on getting it back - you kinda guessed that by then, but the emotional effect is as resonant and heavy as an obelisk anyway.

The whole thing really comes out to a grand piece of film. It’s quiet but the themes and ways these characters are unveiled comes out to something that the greatest movies are all about. Mightily human and vulnerable stuff. The reason you go to the movies. Don't miss it.

REVIEW: Season of the Witch (2011)

“Hey, I just got inspired to make a movie!”

“How did that happen?”

“I went to a Renaissance fair, got drunk off my ass and then vomited it all up outside while a bunch of lecherous hobos watched!”

“…how would that inspire you to create anything?”

“Well…”

Director: Dominic Sena

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Ron Perlman

IMDb

(This review co-written with my friend, Michelle Lewis.)

Yes, Season of the Witch. In honor of this month being the four-year anniversary of this blog, I was contemplating what to do in celebration. To do so, I had to take into account a couple of things – all sorts of very technical elements such as, what would yield the funniest jokes? What would be something that would catch peoples’ eyes?

Then I decided to just be lazy, and throw all of that in the garbage and review the one movie that has both Nicolas Cage AND Ron Perlman at the same time – this one. How much balls do you have to have to put those two guys in a movie together? The universe might as well explode. Oh boy; I just can’t wait to see what kinds of shenanigans this movie has put together to exploit the (perhaps, sometimes unintentional) comedic talents of these two men. Let’s get started.

We start off with this subtitle informing us that the makers of the movie went back to 1235 A.D. to the City of Villach to shoot the first scene. That’s some dedication right there!

Then we get the greatest period of feminism ever – when women got accused of being witches for basically no reason at all and then got hauled into the river by an angry mob. We see exactly how fair this is when you have two normal looking girls pleading for their lives on one end and then this old crone with a glass eye damning everyone to hell.

Now, now, she might not be a witch. Don't discriminate! She just looks, acts, talks and probably smells like one, but still. We live in a PC world, goddammit! RIGHTS FOR THE WITCHES!

Kind of poisoning the well there! I mean, you could make a forty year old balding male accountant look like a witch just by putting him NEXT to that lady! It’s like showing a crime scene lineup full of regular guys except for the one known serial killer who admitted to murdering seven people in cold blood for no reason. Doesn’t exactly do wonders for the public confidence in everyone in the vicinity.

But enough of that. We have some fun crusades with Nic Cage and Ron Perlman to sit through! In case you didn’t know, medieval crusaders in the days of the black plague often made wisecracks about buying each other drinks after the battle ended, showing no fear or regard for the terrible casualties about to ensue. I’d say this is just how guys act, but really it just comes off like both of them are huge jackasses. Or rather, the writers were being huge jackasses, because this is about as historically accurate as The Washingtonians. At least that movie had cannibalistic George Washington imitators. This movie has, what, shitty special effects and costumes borrowed from the retirement home production of The Seventh Seal? Please.

"Hey, do you think this is rock bottom yet?"
"Nah, I was in The Last Winter a few years ago."

So they go through God knows how many battles (quite literally) until this one time when Cage accidentally stabs an innocent woman. This prompts them to question their religion and what they’re fighting for, going off on their super holistic leader guy about how hypocritical it is to kill in God’s name.

Uh, yeah…nice sentiment, guys, but there’s one little problem. Pardon me if I’m stepping on the toes of the battle-weary when I say this, but, WHERE THE FUCK WAS THIS WHEN YOU WERE STABBING AND MURDERING HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE IN THE PREVIOUS BATTLES? So what, you can ram your sword through droves of other guys, but when ONE WOMAN accidentally steps in front of your sword, THAT’S when you suddenly cry bullshit? I’m sorry, that’s just too stupid to let pass.

"Hey, it's okay. I punched a bunch of women in one of my other recent movies! And then I was dressed as a bear for some reason! Ha ha ha...what I'm saying is, don't hold it against me."

I mean, yeah, I get it – they’re starting to become disillusioned with the crusades and whatnot. That’s fine. But the way this movie is handling that very delicate subject matter is just off. We see them fighting battles without protest throughout over three years’ time, and then suddenly they’re against it because one innocent person died? Not that they’re wrong to be upset about that, but it’s just poor writing. Maybe if we had gotten more dialogue and seen them slowly changing their minds, it would have worked – but I guess a 90 minute movie just has no space for petty things like character development, right? Pfft, who needs it?

So Perlman and Cage say they’re leaving. The higher-up general guy threatens to stop them, and I imagine there’s probably some sort of rule in their military about deserting, but the whole army just sits there and watches them go, not bothering to follow them, restrain them or anything. Best army ever? I think it is.

Perlman and Cage go wandering through the world with no clear motive or destination in mind. They eventually come across a city where the black plague has taken effect, rendering everyone into extremely expensive Halloween store makeup. I mean, this stuff must have been at least $30 to buy, and for multiple people? Totally cleared out the director’s rich girlfriend’s parent’s credit card. They get exposition from some random guy about the plague and then end up getting arrested.

So after talking to the world’s oldest haunted house prop...

That's Christopher Lee, so the "oldest haunted house prop" bit isn't entirely farcicial.

...and declaring that they no longer follow the Church, they get thrown in jail for about five seconds before getting charged with the task of hauling some girl to some other town where she’ll apparently be tried for the charge of witchcraft in bringing the plague to the town. Perlman cracks some jokes about how mortified the priest looked when Cage said he didn’t believe in the church – yeah, scenes like this really make me so invested in the drama going on. I bet The Seventh Seal’s dramatic moments would have been way better if the characters were cracking unfunny jokes throughout all of them, right?

So then they start their journey. They need a guide though, and so they of course make the most logical choice – some guy who’s been arrested and put in one of those head-lock things for fraud. Isn’t that what most sensible people would do? I know I would. It’s just like the time I was searching for a navigator for my pirate ship and then decided on a blind guy. Best choice I ever made!

Yup, nobody else they could have chosen...it had to be this guy. Instead of just spending an extra five minutes asking door-to-door, they had to pick the guy locked up for criminal activity - genius.

But this isn’t about me. It’s about the stupidly stupid adventures of Cage, Perlman, two priests with sticks up their asses, generic criminal guy with no personality and helpless girl in a cage. My what a jolly motley crew they make! It’s about as fun as going to a funeral.

We get tons of scenes of them just wandering around in the woods. Sometimes there are attempts made at drama between the characters, but they fall about as flat as the North Dakota plainslands. Mostly this is because the writers clearly just didn’t give a shit – every choice they make comes off as goofy, but you can tell they’re pretty much deadpan serious about all of it. There’s really no sense of fun or self-awareness with these scenes, both of which might have helped the film. Nobody likes a silly movie trying to be serious.

The thing is, most of these scenes just have no purpose. Like really – what relevance does the scene where they meet that altar boy have?

Look at that face. That is the face all young men have when staring down Ron Perlman.

Yeah, so they come across this altar boy with a sword who wants to join their team mostly because the script says so – Lord knows I’d have second thoughts about forming an alliance with Ron Perlman and Nicolas Cage, but I guess back in the days of the plague they didn’t have the Internet to know who these two guys are. We get a drawn out sword fight between Perlman and the kid, which pretty much just leads up to the kid joining their party anyway. I guess the swordfight isn’t too bad or anything, but c’mon, why even bother? Don’t they have a job to do? Why waste time with this?

How about another scene later where they have to push their cart across a rickety old bridge? Cage girl offers her help and says the whole thing would be lighter if they let her out – how? It’s a giant wooden piece of shit! You probably weigh like 90 pounds! They don’t let her out and spend a lot of time nearly getting killed on the bridge. You may be asking why they don’t even attempt to find some other way around. Well, the answer to that is simple – they don’t have time. They do have time for pointless sword fights, but not for trying to find alternatives to plunging to a certain death. Priorities: they’re not just for the sane anymore!

So they get across the bridge finally. We get an overly long scene where the girl escapes from her cage and runs away, only for one of the two priest guys to get killed off in a cave by accidentally running into the altar boy’s sword. He doesn’t seem to see the altar boy at all, instead seeing a woman in front of him instead. Which seems strange enough for Cage to start wearing an expression on his face that’s supposed to be either contemplative or constipated. I can’t really tell.

Let's just compromise and say 'confused.'

In between all of these scenes we get some of them all sitting around at night. They talk about how wrong it is to believe that the girl is a witch and how close-minded the church can be. It’s interesting to hear this kind of dialogue, and it could potentially have some relevance and make the film more substantial. However, all of this will become entirely moot by the film’s ludicrous conclusion. I won’t spoil it yet, but trust me on that.

In the meantime, we get scenes like this, where a bunch of werewolves tear that criminal guy apart in the woods:

And I don’t mean werewolves like the normal sense; no…I mean literal werewolves. Wolves that change into, well, more demonic wolves. Isn’t that kind of weird? Why not just have regular demonic wolves? Is there a point to them changing their already scary wolf-faces into even scarier, deader looking wolf-faces? I dunno. I guess I just don’t have the necessary genius to understand the clearly brilliant mythology of this world. Is it a straight historical crusades story? Is it a supernatural tale of witchcraft? Who knows?! Not even the movie, apparently.

It may seem like I’m just complaining about nothing here. That is because the movie is incredibly fucking boring. It’s about as interesting as watching a monkey pick its nose.

So, sigh, I guess they get to wherever they were going, some church or something. They go in and find a bunch of priests who thought it would be an awesome idea to get the black plague. Guess you didn’t pray hard enough, guys!

Well, to be fair, they didn't catch his good side with this picture.

After some more bullshit exposition, they realize the girl tricked them into coming because she wanted to go to the church all along. Why? Well, because for some reason the church is the only place she has the power to turn into one of the worst special effects you’ll ever see:

Seriously, look at that shit. That was the best you could do? Movies from 30 years ago had better effects than that! It’s hideous looking! Using that kind of CGI is tantamount to just admitting you have nothing worthwhile to contribute creatively. Did the special effects guys just think it would be funny to fuck with the movie? I mean, I get it; Lord knows I’d be bored enough too if I had to sit and watch this crap for that long just to edit in the effects. But the least they could have done was go all the way with it. Why not just put this in the movie and really screw with it?

So they have some big, stupid Hollywood style battle and Nic Cage and Ron Perlman both die. We get a partial ass shot of the now-cured girl and then a phoned-in monologue about how she and the altar boy will remember Cage and Perlman forever.

It’s all just so contrived. Why bother having all that bullshit about doubting the church and the accusations of witchcraft if you were just going to end with a big goofy monster fight at the end? While they potentially had some interesting cultural and religious subtext with the talk about how hypocritical and fear-mongering the church was, ALL OF THAT is ruined when they just throw in the vomited-up spawn of mid-90s dollar-store computer-game Satan at the end. How are we supposed to take this seriously at all with that in the film? It’d be like making a provocative film about the Great Depression only to reveal at the end that, in the movie’s universe, the Great Depression was caused by aliens from outer space.

And hey, you know what was entirely missing from this review? Ron Perlman and Nicolas Cage jokes! What the hell? Shouldn’t a film with both of them together be absolutely loaded with opportunities to make ridiculous jokes and riff on their performances? But no, they’re actually not too bad in this. The one thing that could have saved this movie was totally ridiculous, hammy performances by these two, and the film is so shitty, it couldn’t even grant me that one small pleasure. And I think that’s the final straw. This movie sucks! I for one am glad to be done with this brain sodomy forever. Avoid at all costs!

Eh, fuck it. Just have a beer and celebrate the four-year anniversary of Cinema Freaks! I’ll start you off.

Images copyright of their original owners.

REVIEW: The Croods (2013)

Animated CGI kids films are all the rage, and why shouldn’t they be? They’re profitable as hell, and these days they’ve gotten some serious street cred after films like Ratatouille, Up and last year’s luminous Wreck It Ralph have made the genre into a veritable powerhouse. No longer just for kids and silly slapstick, these days the genre boasts stories that are friendly for kids as well as compelling for adults, finding a perfect balance between good natured humor and good storytelling that anyone can enjoy. It’s a perfect commercial formula and it produces great films, like The Croods.

Director: Kirk De Micco, Chris Sanders

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Emma Stone, Ryan Reynolds

IMDb

This movie, telling the story of a family of cavemen who go on a journey to ‘the new world’ as the tectonic plates shift and throw their current world into oblivion, is drop dead hilarious. Where Wreck It Ralph and others like ParaNorman focused more on the blend of comedy with adventure and drama, The Croods is all about the comedy. The drama comes in later, and they are on an adventure, but the jokes are so prominent and so good. Every minute, the theater was busting out in laughter. The comedic timing is great and the jokes are almost all killer. Right in the opening scene you get the whole family running around trying to catch food, and Nicolas Cage (we’ll get to him in a moment) yells out “LET OUT THE BABY!” And then, well, the baby comes out roaring and biting and all.

Everything in this movie is high-speed, energetic and colorful, which adds to the excitement. It’s a very vibrant film, but while busy, it never comes off as cluttered and everything has its rightful place in each scene. Very well put together. There are also all sorts of clever little bits where the film claims that the Croods are the reason we have things we take for granted – pictures, rugs, even hugs…apparently the Croods invented all of these things on their journey in this very movie. These are all just minor bits that come and go quickly, and they’re very well integrated into the rest of the film. And they’re very funny, which is always a plus…

The acting is pretty damn good, featuring Emma Stone as lead girl Eep, who is a rebellious and single-minded woman who can do things on her own…well, Emma Stone is pretty much typecast in this role now, and The Croods nails it, right down to the ‘tough girl but still needs a boyfriend’ trope. And said boyfriend role is filled by Ryan Reynolds as Guy, in probably the first thing I’ve ever liked him in. Guy is a timid but intelligent young man who unwittingly steals Grug (Nicolas Cage…again, we’ll get to him)’s family away from him, and incites the whole movie when the family takes him hostage on their road trip to find a new home, thinking him useful.

Okay, well it’s time to address the elephant in the room here…yes, Nicolas Cage is in this movie, and he is hilarious. He plays Grug, the father of the cavemen who feels threatened by the new world full of ideas and progression, instead preferring to keep hiding in his cave. I haven’t seen Cage having so much fun with a film in years. While most of his recent roles have tended to be more somber in nature even when the movies themselves got silly, The Croods sees a return to his silliest, most over the top performances. While I can’t say the movie would have been improved by adding in some Vampire’s Kiss-esque insanity…

Uh, I think you mean "I'M A CAVEMAN! I'M A CAVEMAN!" But I digress. It IS suitably insane, and the cartoony nature of it all just makes sense, don’t you think? I mean, Nicolas Cage is already a cartoon character in every aspect aside from the fact that he’s three dimensional and resides in our world. Thank God this movie fixes that problem.

There’s a great scene near the climax where Grug, after being cast out as his family prefers staying with Guy over him, spends the night thinking of ideas. When they encounter him the next day…well, it’s pretty loony and involves him skipping around with an ugly octopus-shaped rug on his head, sunglasses on his face that he can’t see out of, and lots of slapstick. I should be annoyed at how much slapstick there is in this, but it’s all really well done and is actually funny, which is something a lot of movies seem to miss. “Slapstick” isn’t an excuse for laziness.

Of course there is the expected dramatic turn toward the end, too, and I won’t spoil it. But for all its humorous moments, the film does know how to turn down the dial a bit and work the heartstrings, producing some very fine, dramatic moments even if they do get kind of predictable. Just for once I’d love to see a film like this go the extra mile and have something really dark happen – instead of the main character looking like he’s dead and then ending up living happily ever after, why doesn’t one of these films actually have him die and stay that way? But it’s wishful thinking.

I also think it’s interesting that, really, the film belongs to Grug the most. It appears at the start that Eep will be the main character, as she gets the most development at first and is the one who sets the chain of events in motion, but in the end she sort of takes a backseat, becoming a more generic female character for this type of movie. Which is a bit disappointing, but then, on the other hand, Grug is a great character and a lot of fun to watch him develop. I’m not a father, but I like the way the movie portrays fatherhood – at first he seems grumpy and even mean at times, but he really does have his family’s best interests at heart and he does have the capacity to change. It’s a genuinely good character arc, and one of the better parts of the film.

So that’s The Croods, and without spoiling too much, I think it’s really good. It’s a bucket full of fun and has some good drama as well, with lively performances and great mise en scene throughout. It’s just a solid, enjoyable animated flick and anyone who has a heart will probably find something to enjoy in it. So what are you waiting for? Go watch it. Go watch it now.

Images and videos in this review do not belong to me; they are copyright of their original owner.

REVIEW: Next (2007)

SPOILERS afoot here! Beware!

Nicolas Cage is a lot of things. He’s a bad actor, a so-bad-he’s-good actor, a producer of films and an all around odd character in real life. Whatever you can say about him, he is certainly noticeable. And what way to make him MORE noticeable than to put him in a movie where he plays a psychic stage magician on the run from Julianne Moore? This is Next.

Director: Lee Tamahori

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Jessica Biel

Website: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0435705/

I really do like the flashy aesthetic this movie has. Pretty much anything involving Las Vegas is automatically cool. This is no exception. It’s just all about the visual eye candy. The flashy lights, the gaudy buildings, the slick streets, the fast cars…it’s all here in spades, people, with a healthy American scent all over it. This really is a very American movie in the end, with a lot of shots later on of perhaps the most American thing ever, the Arizona desert – truly a majestic sight. Any movie that has people driving through the desert gets at least one brownie point for aesthetic worth. There is a lot to be said for the atmosphere of a film and how the locations chosen affect the viewer’s enjoyment of the whole.

Cage himself is his usual stoic, too-serious self of his latter days – this is the melodramatic try-hard overly serious Cage of Drive Angry, not the silly Vampire’s Kiss-styled Cage of the 80s and 90s. He’s not a good actor and never will be, but where he succeeds is pure passion and energy into what he’s doing. Cage is always an intense guy and even when he can’t emote for shit, you can always tell he is into what he’s doing. He will never purposefully half-ass a performance and he will definitely never sell out. He just loves acting – even if the rest of us have to suffer sometimes. And I think that’s what makes him a respectable actor. In his own weird little way.

Julianne Moore is…well, Julianne Moore, playing the usual overly confident, smug lady cop she has played in other movies. Jessica Biel is probably the weakest link in this thing as she just doesn’t have much of a character other than being eye candy – and she does work as that, but as an actual character she leaves a lot to be desired, mostly just acting as your generic Mary Sue female protagonist with no flaws or personality. Pretty boring.

The story is a Die Hard sort of tale, about terrorists and bombs and what not, except the twist is that Cage’s character can see two minutes into his own future to find out what’s going to happen next. Moore and her people want to capture Cage so they can channel his power to help find the terrorists, only he doesn’t want them to because he doesn’t want to be locked up like a lab rat. He does eventually team up with them when Biel is kidnapped. The whole third act is just a thrill ride, maybe not as good as any Die Hard movie, but close enough, and nail-bitingly exciting in its own right.

The only problem with this movie is actually the reason why I can’t recommend this as a bona-fide good film – it’s not exactly a small issue. One of the recurring plot points in this movie is that Cage’s psychic visions are sometimes presented to us as actual happenings in the film. Like something will happen, but then a few minutes later the screen will flash and Cage will just be sitting there THINKING about whether or not to actually let it happen – the benefits of his psychic foresight, but not exactly a strong filmmaking technique. The first few times it’s OK, as it adds to the humor – like the numerous visions he has about different ways to ask Biel out. That was pretty funny.

But it turns out Biel’s character is some kind of psychic enhancer for him, somehow, so with her he can see even further into the future. This plot point is never properly explained – how is she able to do that to him? And it’s made even worse by the fact that the entire climax, yes, the entire action-fueled, tense climax, all turns out to be part of Cage’s vision. None of it actually happens! This serves, I guess, to show us that Cage has to make the tough choice and leave Biel behind while he goes and saves the city on his own, but still, it’s a pretty damn big cop out. At the end of the day, there simply isn’t much that actually HAPPENS in Next, and that’s where the film fails in the end. It’s just the principle of the whole thing. While this film is entertaining, and quite original, the fact is, not a lot of stuff really transpires in the film – a lot of it is just in Cage’s head.

Next is a fundamentally flawed film that still remains enjoyable in spite of those flaws. Not every movie has to be absolutely spotless, and sometimes a few flaws can make a movie more interesting, as they do here – there wouldn’t be as much to talk about if this was just your average Nicolas Cage action movie. And your mileage will vary on just how much the ending disappoints you – it really just depends how much you like the idea of a lot of it only being in Cage’s mind the whole time. If you can get past that, great; you’ll probably dig it. Otherwise, it’s worth a watch and has a curious enough plot to warrant one. Go see it.

Nicolas Cage told me to tell you that the images here aren't mine. They are copyright of their original owners.

REVIEW: Deadfall (1993)

You might notice I haven’t posted much lately on this blog. Well, that’s simply because the last movie I saw was so bad, so pointless, so horrendous in every way, that I could not sum up my feelings in any conceivably literate way until now. Yes, folks, this is Deadfall, the most half-assed and hackneyed concoction of soggy, tired film noir clichés ever conceived of before Black Dahlia came along about 13 years later and raped all of our minds. But at least this one has Nicolas Cage! Cage is really the only saving grace about this at all, as the rest of the movie is just pure garbage in every way. Introduction enough for you? I think so.

Director: Christopher Coppola

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Some Other Assholes

Website: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0106684/

The credits show us a few things – the director is Christopher Coppola, it’s starring Nicolas Cage and Talia Shire has a part in the movie as well. Is this just a Coppola family reunion? Well, after watching it, you’ll wish they had some of the other Coppolas helping out; you know, like Francis Ford or Sofia. Maybe they would have made this at least a little bit watchable. But let’s just get started with the actual movie before we’re here all day.

The film starts off with some idiots in suits who obviously were late to the bargain bin theater production of Grease driving around. Then we get an incredible change of pace when the same idiots in suits going into a warehouse and pretending to be hardcore gangsters making a sting operation. Yeah, because I’m sure this slop will make me forget Paul Newman and Robert Redford in The Sting, right? Christ. Two minutes in and already I’d rather be watching an M. Night Shyamalan picture. That’s a new goddamn record.

Oh, and I forgot to mention the narration, delivered in perhaps the most unfitting manner ever by the worst protagonist in cinema history, Michael Biehn, who plays our main character Joe. Seriously, this guy has all the charisma of your average coma patient. He’s about as interesting as a piece of wet toast stuck to a cat’s backside…wait, actually I think that would be far more interesting that Michael Biehn’s narration!

Then a shoot out starts when the bad guys figure out they’re being played. I love how these morons are just firing randomly into the dark; isn’t that always an indication of great gunmanship?

"If we keep shooting blindly at the dark, SURELY we'll get things done!"

So in an act of true mastery of the craft, Joe accidentally kills his business partner and father in a shoot-out. Yeah, better try actually learning how to aim next time, you twit. I seriously don’t know how they expect us to take this even remotely seriously. Oh boo hoo, you screwed up; deal with it you little pisshead.

And what’s this? A scene of him crying in his room leaning against the bed like a little pussy? Allow me to extend both my middle fingers in your direction, movie!

Seriously, I'm not trying to downplay a horrible tragedy or anything but this is just so poorly done, and the movie just throws it at us without trying at all to make us care what happened.

So then he finds out he has to go see his uncle Lou, who’s played by the same actor because they were too cheap to get anybody else, and blah, blah, blah, it’s all very boring and dated-90s-like. It’s mostly just incredibly silly and ridiculous. It’s the antithesis of anything resembling captivating film noir. I mean, it’s less gritty and realistic than a game of CLUE.

Then he meets Nic Cage, who has a name but that doesn’t matter anyway; you’ll just call him Nic Cage so who cares? He mumbles a lot, wears a stupid wig and mustache and seems to never take his sunglasses off…so yeah, almost the same character as in The Vampire’s Kiss. He even has a stupid accent again.

Nice porn star disguise Nic.

But to be fair, his character is at least doing something, which is more than can be said for anyone else in this horrendous nonsense. They go to some bar and do stupid stuff and somehow Cage has a really hot girlfriend…yeah, not buying it; sorry movie. No girl would ever date this guy. I’m half expecting throughout this whole thing to discover that Cage’s girlfriend is actually some kind of transvestite, or something. ANYTHING! ANYTHING TO MAKE IT MAKE SENSE!

Then there’s one scene where they swindle a bartender out of some money? Why? Do the bartenders of the world really have too much money to where you have to play Robin Hood and steal from them? Bravo, Cage, you’ve officially become a true anus of a human being.

So yeah then we see even more implausibility when Cage’s girlfriend starts inexplicably flirting with Joe! Why? Just to get the plot to move forward, because when you can’t think of any ideas in your measly head to vomit out, show some sex scenes:

How much money do you think they had to pay her to have sex with this guy? Doesn't really seem worth it to me.

Watching these two pieces of plastic try to have sex is almost as bad as watching them try to act. I can’t think of anything less arousing short of, well, watching Nicolas Cage and the girl do it. Eugh.

But Cage almost gets killed in a bar after doing some coke, comes home and almost kills her. These scenes are some of the most entertaining in the movie, which really just means they don’t make you want to gouge out your eyes watching them. But Cage is very entertaining, with a truly over the top and insane performance that you can tell he had fun with. I mean, the rest of the movie is so glaringly awful, he probably knew it, and just decided to throw care to the wind and give the most ridiculous performance he could muster. He just didn’t give a crap. At one point he’s literally just shouting gibberish; no actual words at all.

That's his 'I just ate a really sour lollypop' look.

"I will SWALLOW THE CAMERA WHOLE!"

She throws him out, so his next logical path is go to find his employer Uncle Lou, tie him up and threaten to kill him with boiling hot water. He almost does, but then Joe comes in and kills Cage by shoving his face into the boiling water instead. No. No, movie; you can’t do that. YOU CAN’T KILL OFF THE ONLY CHARACTER MAKING THIS MOVIE ENTERTAINING! My heart has been broken. We still have 40 minutes of this to sit through and now the only character making it easier is dead?! What kind of sick bastards created this?

Oh. Oh yeah…well, the only proper thing to do is stop the movie and hold a funeral for Nicolas Cage. Proceed:

OK, now that we’re done with that, let’s go to the bar for drinks.

Now we can…wait, what do you mean I have to finish the review? Haven’t I suffered enough already in the name of entertaining the masses today?!  Well damn. Guess I might as well; I mean what else am I going to do tonight? Go out and have a life?

The movie continues with some awful scenes that try to be deep and serious film noir but mostly just come off as a big fat joke, as Joe narrates some more in a tone of voice that would better fit a children’s elementary school book reading session. Truly this is what Robert DeNiro aspired to when he made Casino, right? This narration is about as credible as Roger Rabbit narrating over Dark City would be.

Joe goes to meet Charlie Sheen, another human sewer-slime who Christopher Coppola dredged up to be in this movie. Sheen mostly talks in a low, almost unintelligible monotone, and treats us to long, agonizing scenes of the two of them playing the world’s most boring game of billiards ever. We never see him in the movie again, and so I mostly just wonder WHAT THE HELL THE POINT WAS. GOD. THIS MOVIE IS LIKE SITTING THROUGH THE INSANE RAMBLINGS OF A BRAINDEAD MENTAL PATIENT WHO JUST WATCHED A MARATHON OF OLD CRIME MOVIES. It’s asinine!

Some more stuff happens, it’s revealed that Joe’s father never died and the whole thing was an incredibly contrived set-up that could have easily gone wrong at any time, and the whole thing ends on a whimper with more of that ear-raping narration. Oh what a treat. This movie is so bad that I can’t even accurately sum up how bad it is. No insults I could make up would really describe it. This is so terrible, so lacking in plot or any kind of good characters or atmosphere, and so wrongheaded that all I can do is just…sacrifice it to the God Nicolas Cage, who sits upon his throne still, laughing at all of us mere mortals. Let this crap burn forever in the fires of Cage’s wrath and greatness, and let it never again tarnish our Earthly plane!

REVIEW: Drive Angry (2011)

Nicolas Cage…never featured him too much on this blog, have we?! This is Drive Angry.

Director: Patrick Lussier

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Amber Heard, William Fichtner

Website: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1502404/

This film is just completely insane and over the top, and I love it. There’s nothing subtle or artistic about this. Drive Angry is just complete macho shlock complete with tons of boobs and sex, tons of gore and tons of satanic pentagrams and explosions. It’s like someone just went “hey, I want to make the manliest, most unabashedly cool thing ever,” and then director Patrick Lussier (White Noise 2? Seriously, when did he get so good?) came along, scrapped it and made it TEN TIMES MORE AWESOME THAN IT WAS BEFORE. Drive Angry is the living, breathing embodiment of all things masculine. It’s retarded, it’s as overtly non-subtle as a brick to the face and it’s cheesy as hell, but these things are the reasons it is an amazing film. I mean how many other times are you going to see Nic Cage doing a chick in bed and simultaneously having a shoot-out with a bunch of thugs WHILE STILL SLEEPING WITH THE WOMAN. Just wanted to clarify that. It is ridiculous. But it is also great. This movie suggests that perhaps those two things are one in the same at times.

And honestly, it’s not a poorly done film. I found myself hooked to the screen by the snappy plot (about a father looking for his daughter and getting mixed up in a cult wanting to end the world), and Cage was a lot of fun in this. The other standout performance was William Fichtner as The Accountant, this crazy dude who pretty much goes around destroying everything in his way to get to Cage. I won’t spoil why, but his lines are awesome and he really has some great charisma and style. He plays it very cool and classy, and very confident, too, but you can tell this is not a guy you mess with no matter what. I mean…just take a look at this quote:

Cap: No God damn way! No ff-in lovin' way in God's good heaven, are you an FBI agent!

The Accountant: I need you boys to stand down. Captain, you know what this badge means, right? Federal Bureau of get the FUCK out of my way!

That’s just the tip of the iceberg. Fichtner is great and I think we need to see him in some more roles, stat. Awesome, awesome performance.

Aside from that, yeah, Drive Angry rules. I could tell everyone was really having a ball making this movie, which is another reason why I enjoyed it so much. Maybe the second half was a little weaker than the first, but there’s still just so much good stuff in every bit of this movie that I’m surprised it got such a lukewarm reception. Maybe people are just so used to seeing lame Nicolas Cage movies that they no longer realize when a really good one has been shoved in front of them. Maybe they just didn’t get the full unabashed cheese and over-the-top attitude the film pretty much lived and breathed, and that put them off. I don’t know. But it’s a great, enjoyable action movie and one of the better ones in theaters this year. Drive Angry is ballsy, completely unhinged, demonically entertaining and all around enjoyable as hell. Full marks would have been awarded, however, if we got a trademark Cage-style freak out…

NIC CAGE MONTH FINALE: Leaving Las Vegas (1995)

Director: Mike Figgis
Starring: Nicolas Cage, Elizabeth Shue

Website: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0113627/

Sera: Is drinking a way of killing yourself? 

Ben Sanderson: Or, is killing myself a way of drinking?

This is one of the most gorgeous movies I’ve seen in a while. It’s full of colors, from the seductive scarlets of Nicolas Cage’s hotel room to the mesmerizing neons of Las Vegas and its various wacky characters to the bright yellows of the desert roads. It’s a movie that is full of colors to its brim, endowed with a lot of really lush, dense scenery that draws you in like a lethal intoxicant; alcohol, perhaps, as is Nic Cage’s drug throughout the movie. This is a very alcoholic movie at its core in the way that once you’re drawn in, you don’t want to leave. Like a drug, this film captivates instantly and for a long time. The scenery is coupled with a constant flow of slow, moody music that make the film look often like a warped music video. It’s actually done quite well.

So the cinematography is golden. But really, you’re not here to watch a glorified two hour music video, so how’s the story? It basically revolves around Nicolas Cage as a depressive alcoholic filmmaker who has been laid off his job. He decides to go to Las Vegas to drink himself to death, where he meets a Hooker with a Heart of Gold who helps him and who he helps in return…even if he doesn’t know he’s doing it. They’re spiraling on a path of destruction but they both really need one another, clinging for comfort. “You’re my angel,” Cage keeps saying, lost in a drunken haze. Shue puts up with all the shit he breaks, all the places he gets her kicked out of. They compromise for each other. Like a good relationship should do.

Not that their relationship is a typical one. It’s almost hyperreal, in that it is so powerful and so emotionally chained down. These people would be destroyed without each other, and when they do finally break up near the end of the film (after Cage sleeps with another prostitute), it’s clear that they are. Everyone who’s seen this movie knows that it’s about dependency, but really, if you haven’t seen it yet, you’re in for a surprise. This is a very honest and raw portrayal of a relationship – glamorized in some ways, sure; but only little touches, just to make the movie flow better. It’s dramatic, it’s destructive, it’s teary, it’s hyperreal. These people are locked in together, both with past sorrows, both needing one another more than anything else in their lives – more than water, more than food, more than air. They complete one another wholly.

So that’s enough about the story and such, how about the actors? This is probably Nicolas Cage’s highlight of his career. And it seems that everyone else agrees, too, because he won an Oscar for it. Being Cage, there are a few moments of extreme goofiness at hand. Right from the start when you see him strolling along with his sunglasses on and picking out different beers from the grocery store, you will laugh. He kind of reminds me of Hunter S. Thompson here. Maybe it’s just the sunglasses, but his callous, somewhat violent and carefree nature really reminded me of him. For the most part, though, this is a very serious and tragic performance, and Cage attacks it with a lot of heart and soul. When he smiles, you can see it; that odd, careless flare of a man who has lost everything…and when he freaks out and does something ridiculous, you feel for him, because he can’t help himself.

The real turning point with him comes when he fucks the other prostitute in Shue’s own house. I mean, how far gone are you? Look at his eyes. He’s gone, man. He’s never coming back, and he knows it. This is why he came here. It is unfortunate that he fell into such a heavy relationship, but really, he was headed for this crash-landing all along, as much as he loved Shue and as good of a guy as he may have been when he wasn’t screwing everything else up. He spends so much of the movie in a drunken stupor that you wonder how his liver doesn’t give out sooner. Watching some of these scenes, you really get a good picture of the lowest points a human being can be at. It really shows you the worst places a formerly well-established man can sink to, short of being homeless or dead. And he welcomes it with open arms, Cage does. This is the endpoint. Game over. No future anymore.

Shue’s character, Sera, is jaded and cynical on the outside. One of the most telling moments early on in the film is when Cage tells her he’ll drive her back to his hotel. She gets in the car and he asks her name, and the look of surprise on her face, subtle as it is, really shows a lot about her character. There’s this guardedness in her that you see in most prostitutes – although of course her character is a ‘movie prostitute,’ tried and true; most of the real ones probably aren’t so pretty and clean-cut. I really like the hidden delicacy and femininity she has hidden under the rock-hard exterior, and the small slivers where it does show. Like when she gives Cage his gifts when they move in together. She is a strong woman who will put up with a lot of crap. She just wanted someone to lie her head down on, someone to comfort her. It’s a shame Cage couldn’t be that for her.

Her profession is rough and not very glamorous, and she knows it, but has to keep doing it to pay the bills. She’s got it pretty damn hard. One of the more trying scenes to watch is when she gets raped by those three fratboy-jock douchebags in their stupid sports shirts in that crappy motel room. You really only see parts of it, but damn, it’s brutal, even moreso because you probably like her character so much. No one should ever be abused or hurt like this. And for an extra punch in the gut, she gets evicted right afterward. Isn’t that nice? Shue is a lot soul and it shows. Her character isn’t the most original out there, but DAMN does she ever pull it off. That goes for Cage, too; he just plays a regular old drunk. But he does it with such style that it does not matter. Goddamn, this has such great characters! So real, so passionate.

Leaving Las Vegas is an epochal film. It is truly one of those movies that says a lot with very few words. If you’ve seen it, then you know what I’m talking about; this movie is powerful. And if you haven’t, go rent it now. It’s worth your time more than…well, most Nicolas Cage movies at least. And then some. Nicolas Cage even won an Oscar for this film, which to some people might not matter, but in the end, does place Leaving Las Vegas and his performance in a very special, hallowed golden hall. Worthy of respect.

So this has been Nic Cage Month, everybody. There were bad times, there were good times. We laughed, we cried and we felt our minds go numb from confusion, mostly at Cage’s acting. We didn’t review as many Nicolas Cage films as we wanted to, but all things considered, we did an OK job. Nicolas Cage is one of those guys who you just can’t avoid. He does so much weird, crazy shit that eventually, you have to notice him, and I can just hope that this month’s reviews have served as a helpful guide.

Now. To April!

NIC CAGE MONTH: Bad Lieutentenant: Port of Call New Orleans (2009)

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Eva Mendes, Val Kilmer

Director: Werner Herzog

IMDb: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1095217/

Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bad_Lieutenant:_Port_of_Call_New_Orleans#cite_note-csn-5

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...WOW...

Okay, before we get to...this...let's do a little introduction to director Werner Herzog. I'm not too familiar with his work, but I know that he is capable of doing very well-crafted films such as "Rescue Dawn". But then he pulls a stunt by making the documentary "Grizzly Man", which is to this day the funniest movie I have ever seen which was not suppose to be that funny. I do not know whether this is accidental or if he just has a weird sense of humor. Either way, that vibe can definitely be felt in this picture.

Sort of, but not really, based on the 1992 film "Bad Lieutenant" (haven't seen it, so I can't be sure), the film is actually for the most part a fairly gritty police drama. Terrance McDonagh, played by, you guessed it, Nicolas Cage, is a police officer in New Orleans who is injured on the job which gives him chronic back pain. This eventually leads him to become a drug addict, stealing from the evidence locker of his department and committing other immoral acts. In one particularly disturbing scene, he confronts a couple coming out of a club, confiscates their drugs, uses them, and then has sex with the woman right there in the parking lot. Yeah...he's not a very nice guy.

Anyway, he takes on this case involving a triple homicide, which he has to juggle with a number of other tasks, like paying off his bookie, dealing with his alcoholic father's dog, as well as his hooker girlfriend, played by Eva Menedes.

No, this is not that movie...Thank God...

None of this appears to be too unusual...until it gets to this one part where they zoom in on and alligator on the side of the road. Why? I don't know; its never really explained. This is when the film starts to get a little weird.

And by weird, I mean...this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qkT0eOzsJ5E

What the fu...really?! Almost full minute of iguanas?! WHY?!!! I mean, the obvious exclamation is that McDonagh is really high and is having a hallucination. But it does not take place from his point of view! Sure, there have been other films that have done this, but this doesn't seem to match up: it literally just looks like the camera man zooming in and out on the iguanas for no reason at all!!! What have you been smoking, Herzog?!

Ok, after...that...McDonagh volunteers to take care of a kid who witnessed the triple homicide. How does he do this? By snorting coke while driving the car they are in, getting into argument with a some douchebag who beat up his girlfriend, and then taking him to a casino. WORST. POLICE PROTECTION. EVER!

So after the kid runs off (can you blame him?), McDonagh confronts witness' grandmother at a retirement home where she is taking care of an elderly patient. Tired and stoned out of his mind, he proceeds to harass them, putting a gun to the grandmother's head and pulling out the old lady's oxygen tank. I know this sounds really awful, and it kind of is, but...in a sick, dark, twisted way, it is actually really funny! I love the lines he says at the end of the scene about...well, I won't ruin it for you.

I will not get into too many more details because I do not want to spoil the rest of the film. Let's just say he gets into a lot more mischief, and yet somehow things seem to work out okay...sort of. Oh, and if you have seen the trailer for it where McDonagh says "Shoot him again...Because his soul is still dancing. HAHAHA!", definitely watch out for that part; it is hilarious! The last two lines of the film, particularly the last one, are great as well.

Overall, I would say that this is a decent movie. Aside from Val Kilmer not doing anything (he can't help it, he's Val Kilmer), the acting is pretty good (Cage has his fair share of his trademark "freak outs" in this one), and most of the subplots seem to come together pretty well. It is very slow paced and so it kind of drags during some parts. And as I have said before, despite most of the stuff I focused on, its a bit of a downer. Still, the scenes that I will always remember are the weird, trippy ones. They appear out of nowhere and just leave you bewildered and laughing. I don't know what Herzog was thinking when added those scenes, whether it fit with the character's mindset or to lighten the mood or some other reason. Whatever it is, I am glad they are in there.

I recommend this movie. I know it has gotten a lot of critical acclaim and some people are probably going to get annoyed with me for not taking it that seriously, but hey, I'm not trying to bash it; I'm just praising it from another prospective: the perceptive of the iguanas. Anyway, it's a good film by itself, but even if you don't feel like watching the whole thing, at least download some of the clips from YouTube. It's totally worth it.

Well, NIC CAGE MONTH is almost over. I don't know if this will be the last entry for the site, but it is for me (granted, it's also my only one, but, what can you do?). And so, I leave you with a few magical moments from Cage...when he did five commercials in Japan for a company called Pachinko. Enjoy:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nYkw-5htPw0

These images and videos are not mine and are for entertainment purposes only. Please don't sue me.