The Cinema Freaks Late Night Talk Show with The Lake Placid Crocodile

Good evening, faithful readers! As you all know, I have reviewed the Lake Placid series in all its bloody, crocodile-y goodness up until now. When I thought I was done last year, well, the series went and proved me wrong, popping out another sequel in the same manner as the fat lady next door with nine kids and an apartment smaller than your closet. I can’t even review these movies fast enough. I mean Jesus Christ. By the time I’m done writing this paragraph, they’ll probably have the script, casting and first scenes done for the next one.

Director: Don Michael Paul

Starring: The Lake Placid Crocodile, Kate from Angel, Yancy Butler

IMDb

To commemorate yet another successful foray into the murky, croc-infested waters of this hopefully long-lasting series, I have brought a special guest onto the blog today to talk about the film. This is a very successful up and coming actor who brings a unique and personal touch to every film he acts in. Directors have called him a pleasure to work with, and he even donates to charity with the money he gets from his movies. Ladies and gents, please give a round of applause for…THE LAKE PLACID CROCODILE!*

*From here on out, my questions will be in BOLD. Lake Placid Crocodile's responses will not be in bold.

So, Lake Placid Crocodile, how the hell are you?

I’m doing great, thanks. I just got off the set for Crocodile 3.

Awesome. And how is that going?

To tell you the truth, pretty stressful. There's only so many broken beer bottles to the face I can take.

Sounds absolutely delightful! But about Lake Placid: The Final Chapter…

Yes, yes.

Where did they get the inspiration for such an inventive title? The Final Chapter. Jesus, that’s original.

Well, they were trying to pay homage to the Friday the 13^th movies. We figure we’ll do what those movies did. We’ll title the fourth movie The Final Chapter and then release an endless string of less-good sequels every year after. People will keep paying money for them because they love making fun of them and because we get a couple of 20 year old girls to take off their shirts for two seconds.

In Lake Placid land, girls take off their tops just to go in the ocean at night and splash each other like four year olds. It's not weird at all!

It’s a pretty genius formula, you gotta admit. We won’t even really have to try that hard.

But that sounds like you'd just be ripping everyone off with as little effort as possible!

Yeah, well, them's the breaks!

You're being awfully forthcoming about the...shall we say, less flattering aspects of your movie.

You kiddin' me? This is the Internet. No matter how much shit I talk about this movie, people will still watch it anyway. Hell, I think making fun of a movie like this will just make MORE people want to see it!

Sigh...you're probably right...

Oh, I know I am.

So the movie starts off with Yancy Butler, reprising her role from the last movie as a wisecracking, croc-killing deputy. How was it working with her?

She was almost too good at her role. I mean c’mon, the first scene plays like the aftermath of the world’s worst drunken butcher-shop orgy. Then a croc shows up and Yancy just throws her machete at it and kills it instantly! Ouch! Show a little compassion! Yancy was pretty nice off stage, but when we were filming? Gave me chills. It was like she really wanted to kill us man-eating crocodiles.

I see. And what about the rest of the actors? Were there any you got along with particularly well?

Elizabeth Rohm could be okay sometimes. But I really liked the black guy! He was great because he was a total environmental-loving pussy who said the humans couldn’t kill us crocs even if we were killing people! So basically this guy gives us a free pass to do whatever we want for the rest of the movie!

What about the subplot with Elizabeth Rohm the sheriff and her daughter?

Well, the fact that the daughter is obsessed with reading and Rohm tells her to quit it and go outside is just strange. I mean, in the crocodile kingdom, we pride those among our young who take the time to educate themselves. The fact that Rohm wants her daughter to stop reading is just bizarre! Plus, the other subplot with this other law enforcement guy who she has a love/hate relationship with is just underdeveloped! I kept telling Don to watch some classic romance films and get a better idea of how to do this kind of thing, but he just kept telling me to go away so he could do coke in his trailer.

So there have been some environmental activists and crocodile purists that insist the film is unrealistic. People have said that the portrayal of crocodiles is ludicrous and that the film almost completely “jumps the shark” if you will by having crocodiles that appear to have superpowers. What do you have to say to those people?

Well, I think it’s ridiculous. The crocodiles in the movie were portrayed 100% accurately. For instance, scenes like the one where the giant crocodile chases the humans in their truck like a hungry lion is something I drew from my own personal experiences. They really do that, you know. Many of my friends get their lunch on weekends by chasing humans like that!

And the fact that they see in blurry distorted green-vision is totally how we really see. I’m looking at you in that kind of vision right now, actually.

The makers of the Lake Placid series are very attentive to making their crocodiles as realistic as possible. I actually served as a consultant for them on that part of the film. They came to me with all their questions.

But there’s one scene where this guy is peeing in the ocean water, looks away for a second, and then a crocodile just appears in front of him when he looks back! What do you have to say about that?

Crocodiles have always had teleportation powers. We can also turn invisible if we want. You didn’t know that?

No, I didn’t.

Maybe you should read up on your crocodile facts! That’s common knowledge now, you dunce! Geez. You humans can be pretty stupid sometimes.

Oh, we can be stupid sometimes? You wanna back that up with some proof, huh mister?

Gladly. Like how about the scene where they give a press conference to the town and basically tell them it doesn’t matter if the crocodiles have been killing people in droves for years now, and that they can’t kill the crocs because they’re rare! Isn’t that just the biggest slap in the face ever? It’s like “we know we were hired as law enforcement to protect the city and its people, but we don’t feel like stopping those crocodiles from eating you all. Sorry!”

Okay, fine. That’s kind of stupid. But it’s not like they’re just throwing the townspeople to the wolves..er...crocs. They built a fence!

Oh, you mean the fence that any moron can get past? The electric fence that poachers and hunters could easily fall back into by accident when trying to get away from a crocodile?

Well, yeah, but…

Or the fence that a bunch of kids going on a camping trip could easily drive their bus past and not even realize they were in a crocodile zone until the next day? Because, yeah, that's the explanation we get a little bit later!

Shouldn’t there be stronger warning labels? Maybe a gate with a sign on it, at least? And speaking of that bus driver, he’s a real piece of work, a real good example of the brilliance the human species can produce. Do all human bus drivers look at porn on their cell phones WHILE DRIVING?!

Danny McBride?

I’ll give you that. It was a pretty ridiculous scene. But isn’t your whole argument about humans being stupid kind of prejudiced? I’m all for equality between man and crocodile, but it has to go both ways. Otherwise, the whole thing’s kind of hypocritical, is it not?

Not a bad point. But from the point of view of this movie, it’s not hard to see why I’d be so prejudiced. I mean, this is a movie that thinks a romance means scenes of two characters who acted like they hated each other having dinner by candlelight. And then the only other romance in the movie consists of boys telling the main girl that Heart of Darkness is boring.

Yeah. Real great romance there. If you didn’t know, we crocodiles are soft at heart. Not to mention well versed in classic literature.

Very charming. But at least you got to chase and kill them all in the next few scenes.

Very true. Those scenes were a lot of fun to shoot, because…well, you know why. I think some of the other actors were having less fun than I was, though.

Well, yeah. I mean, you jumped up and bit one of their heads off. That’s got to foster some bitter feelings here and there!

Oh yeah. No special effects there at all. Crocodiles can actually jump like bunny rabbits. We usually just don’t do it for the camera. Don't like to give people a view of our asses, you know?

What was that bear trap she got caught in doing out there anyway? Just one solitary bear trap in the middle of the woods? Hell, throughout this whole movie, we don’t see one bear.

We tried to get the bear from the first movie to come back. You know, the one that I fought with at that camp site?

But he had a scheduling conflict. So we just had to drop the scene where he and I were going to have a Die Hard-style gun fight after I ate the girl’s head. It’s a shame.

That does sound like a good scene. But you did have one enemy in the film in Robert Englund’s character. He played a poacher hunting for your eggs. What was it like working with this veteran horror actor?

The fate of all great horror icons, become a self-parodic, loud redneck character in later roles...

Oh, he was a character. I never liked the Nightmare movies after the first couple, but his scenes were pretty crazy in this movie. I don’t even care that he wants to steal my eggs. I mean, it’s not like they were really mine. You think I’d really let my own eggs be used in a movie? Hell no.

It was grape juice in that thing really.

Plus, there’s one moment where he clearly has more sense than any of the other characters.

Oh really, and which moment was that, pray tell?

It’s when he shows up with his boat at the shore and invites them all to come with them. Now, of course he has ulterior motives. But they don’t know that yet. They actually have to THINK ABOUT whether or not to go with him on a boat, or stay on an island where half of their team has been killed off already. Gee, maybe running from the crocodiles will work the 5,000^th time, right?

Well, they DO have crocs in the water just waiting to eat them if they go in…

The damn boat isn’t even that far away. C’mon. And they get everyone on the boat pretty easily without any real problems. The only guy who stays is the teacher guy. He tries to run for a few seconds and then…well, just look:

Not to mention the girl's first thoughts afterwards are "I really wanted to give him back my school library books"...you humans are weird.

Woah! Now that’s some grade-A cheese there! How did that taste?

Like red food coloring. And cotton balls used to stuff that dummy.

Well, it sure made for an entertaining shot. So there was also some fuss made by activist groups about the fact that the crocodiles in the movie become super crocodiles by eating each other. Some people feel this will encourage real crocodiles to eat one another in the hopes of becoming super crocodiles.

Real crocodiles would never do such a thing. Unlike you humans, we don’t let movies act as instruction manuals for us. You people let shows like Dexter or video games like Mortal Kombat influence your children so far to the point where they kill their friends and siblings because of it!

Plus, the whole thing is overstated anyway in the film. I love how the dumb scientist is like “well, we knew they’d have a food shortage, but we didn’t think it’d get THAT far…” Isn’t that kind of like saying, “well, when we didn’t pay our electric bill until a week later and our power went out, we didn’t think ALL the food in the fridge would spoil”?

Fair points on both counts. So, the ending of the movie – we get Robert Englund trying to take the policeman’s kid hostage, and then getting eaten after his plan fails. Rohm kills you by shooting at you and then ducking out of the way as you plow into the electric fence.

Yeah. Those scenes were entertaining. That damn fence, though.

And the ending – how did you feel about the fact that you lost at the end? Rohm and her daughter reconciled, that policeman and his son reconciled, the daughter and son got together and Yancy Butler had your head on a plaque, which is about equal with all those other reconciliations...

She really just stole that plaque from Gatorland.

Well, we didn’t lose, really. Just look at the last scene! The radio broadcast says there are no more crocs at Lake Placid, but apparently they were just in waiting for girls in tight clothes running by…

What? But I thought this was the Final Chapter!

Ha ha ha…oh, you know how those wacky horror sequels work. You’ve reviewed a number of them.

But the way THIS is playing it, it’s like the officials killed THAT ONE crocodile…well, you, I guess…and then immediately declared that there were no more, without bothering to even look!

What can I say, they probably just needed to go back home and drink until they passed out. Just like the writers of this movie.

Sigh…so anyway, what’s next on the horizon for you as a budding actor, Lake Placid Crocodile?

Well, we’re starting production on several sequels. Like Lake Placid in Space!

Lake Placid Gets Crunk!

And Lake Placid and the Seven Dwarves!

Oh, I bet THOSE will be classics.

Either way, you’ll still end up reviewing them somehow!

Images in this review are not mine; they are copyright of whoever owns them.

REVIEW: Lake Placid 3 (2010)

It’s summertime again and the sun is out and the water is cool. Now everyone can relax and go outside and---wait, what do you mean there’s a debilitating heat wave afflicting the whole country? Well, shit. I guess I’ll just have to sit at home and review another stupid movie about a crocodile, because that’s all I got in the summertime. This is Lake Placid 3, a movie about a lakeside Northeastern town afflicted by a terrible wave of CGI alien crocodile attacks that will rock the town to its very core…actually, nah, it’s just kinda silly.

Director: Griff Furst

Starring: Colin Ferguson, Yancy Butler

Website: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1499249/

Yes, Lake Placid, that immortal and long-standing epic series about killer crocs and…well, not much else except idiots who go out onto the lake and get munched on. It’s a perfect series for a summertime drinking session with your friends, although unfortunately I will be completely sober in reviewing this turkey…but I will be done with this series forever, for real, after this, so there is that to look forward to!

This movie starts out with something completely original by having two kids hitching a ride with some guy in the back of his truck. They get out and the guy says it’s a bad idea because they might get lost and horribly killed…because he read the script, I guess. Then we see where all the money for this movie that was supposed to be used on the CGI went – getting this chick to strip for the camera:

Doesn't she have nice hair? I think so.

They have sex in the mud and he starts to get bitten by the crocs under the water, a fact which this clear genius of a girl does not notice at all, because your boyfriend's "OH MY GOD I'M BEING EATEN" face is exactly the same as his "orgasm" face...good to know! They both get killed off because I guess the director's "pay them to have sex" fund ran out too early. Yay for opening kill morons!

After that we see some family looking at the lake house where Betty White lived in the first movie – WHAT, CONTINUITY? Oh, it doesn’t have anything to do with the rest of the movie at all? Phew. Saved again by bad sequel clichés. We almost had a real story there! They talk about selling it, but decide to wait until the housing market gets better – HA HA HA! So hilarious!

But I digress. We then fast forward two years for absolutely no reason. I mean seriously, what purpose does this serve? I mean other than to fit in with the timeline of the other movies, being that it wouldn’t make sense for this to happen right after the first movie when the second one is in between the two. Wait, what is this? Why am I trying to rationalize things in this movie?!

The family from before is exactly the same except now the kid has longer hair and looks like the illegitimate child of Carrot Top. The dad is a forest ranger who wants to stop people from hunting elk and the mom is a real estate agent, and they both leave their son with this chick who I swear just walked off the set of a bad satire-comedy like White Chicks or something, and she even has a stupid little Chihuahua dog she carries around with her while she smokes cigarettes inside and screams at Spanish soap operas. So it’s really no surprise that the kid likes to run off and go feed crocodiles:

Just like his great-aunt Betty White, it runs in the family.

He runs out of meat and gets caught shoplifting from the supermarket because he was trying to steal more to feed to them. I mean seriously, I know he’s just a bored little kid but come on, you’re telling me he has NOTHING BETTER TO DO than feed crocodiles? Maybe he should try buying ghosts on the internet. That’s a real kids’ hobby that’s all the rage these days!

Eugh...even seeing this again makes me feel unclean...remind me never to reference this movie again in any review ever again.

Anyway, we get some story about how these dumb college kids are wandering around in the woods trying to go camping. They pretty much have no personalities except for the fat perverted kid who does nothing but hit on the blonde girl even though she shows absolutely no interest in him…lovely to have such realistic characters. They all meet up with the dad and the sheriff, who is played by Michael Ironside, and actually seems more awake in this than he did in Highlander 2…that’s pretty hilarious.

"Hey, I'm a real actor. Don't you patronize."

The kids all go and jump in the water with bikinis on and we see more of the director’s personal funds in action:

Bikini Girls on Ice had more dignity.

And let’s take a look at some of that great character buildin’ dialogue:

TARA: I don’t think he’s I’d have sex with him funny, just I’d set him up with one of my fat friends funny.

Right, I think that’s enough – because people who are fat automatically have lower standards and deserve people worse than everyone else! Lake Placid 3 is just so smarty-smart-smart.

After that the fat asshole who was taking pics of them while they were changing gets eaten by a crocodile as punishment; oh yeah. Ellie walks around with this other dude Aaron and they mostly exchange putrid dialogue that amounts to this:

AARON: Have sex with me!

ELLIE: No, I want to find my friends who are missing!

AARON: …Have sex with me!

Blegh. Anyway, did I not mention the THIRD story going on here? Because you can never have too many plots in a Lake Placid movie. This one involves Yancy Butler playing a woman named Reba, who takes people on hunting trips for money. She’s teaming up with a bunch of rednecks and a college kid named Brett, who wants to find his girlfriend who’s apparently out in the woods somewhere. It turns out the girlfriend is Ellie from before, who apparently thought he was cheating on her and so just went off with some other guy without even talking to him. Real catch, she is.

Ugh, this is boring - let's see some good ol' croc head-eatin' action the way only Lake Placid can do it:

There's no way it would be that clean of a bite in real life and it looks really cheap - yup, this sure is a Lake Placid kill!

Brett starts to shout Ellie’s name at the top of his lungs, not realizing that it could probably attract crocs, which it does! One of them gets Butler herself and begins to drag her away, so he shoots at it and somehow only hits her, because a huge crocodile is really difficult to aim at I guess…and afterwards, despite being shot and bitten by a croc, Butler is able to walk around perfectly fine! Oh. Well she does limp a little and has her teeth constantly gritted. So I guess it’s realistic…

Yancy Butler: she can take a lot of shit.

At the house, same thing again as the dad and Michael Ironside the sheriff get caught in their car while trying to escape, as a croc relentlessly attacks them! The mom for some reason can't hit the thing even though she's like six feet away and it's the size of a small car...

...so she does the sensible thing and whips out a friggin' chainsaw!

That's awesome, you gotta admit. Even if she does screw up and end up dropping it...shut up, let me enjoy this!

So somehow Yancy Butler and Brett get into a discussion about their love lives when he accuses her of not knowing about a normal love life because she doesn’t want to go off all gonzo-style into the woods at night with killer crocs running around JUST to save his girlfriend when they don’t really know where she is! Butler promptly replies by shouting at him and putting him in his rightful place – okay, this chick is seriously the best thing in any Lake Placid movie. She’s totally a badass!

They all end up in the Betty White cabin and Brett pulls a gun on them to go out and find Ellie, which he does:

This was the film's true point, a love story between estranged boyfriend and girlfriend...how romantic.

Unfortunately for Romeo and Juliet here, death is right around the corner as a croc unceremoniously finishes Brett off. And I don’t think anyone cares, sooooo…moving on. The surviving cast drives into town to escape the crocs and for some reason decide to hide in the grocery store, where the crocs find them just a few seconds later of course. Why not just leave town? However it does result in a grocery store themed horror scene, featuring crocodiles running through the store aisles and knocking shit over, that's still better than The Mist.

The finale is honestly the best part of the film, featuring the dad actually INSERTING HIS CREDIT CARD into a gas pump to buy gas, then spraying the croc with it while his son pulls out a lighter so they can light the damn thing on fire! That. Is. AWESOME.

Credit card ACTION! Go!

I love that it shows the gas price and gallons going up like it would with a car, while it's in the croc's mouth. This has got to be the BEST way to kill off a killer croc I've ever seen.

What would they do if the kid didn’t have that lighter, which he got from the babysitter at the beginning? I don’t know. BUT WHO CARES? This was a great finale to a silly, silly movie. Sure, most of it kind of dragged, but it was so stupid it was endearing, despite a few really shitty characters here and there. And man, am I ever glad I am done with these Lake Placid movies! I just don’t know how much more I could take! But I’m glad to finally say that I’m done wi----

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2117905/

……….

No images, videos or crocodiles in this post belong to me. They are all copyright of their original owners.

REVIEW: Lake Placid 2 (2007)

2007 was apparently the year for terrible Sci-Fi Channel crocodile movies, as we got the abominable Croc and also this one. Lake Placid 2 is better than Croc, and better than the original Lake Placid (if only because there’s no Bridget Fonda in this one), but seriously, is it that hard to make a movie about killer crocs that doesn’t suck? I guess that’s a dumb question considering I just watched this and am now reviewing it. So suck up your crocodile tears and let’s review Lake Placid 2.

Director: David Flores

Starring: John Schneider, Sarah Lafleur, Chad Michael Collins

Website: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0974583/

Our movie begins with two morons out on the lake doing research, just like in Croc. Only this time they’re funny! One of them says that fishing isn’t a hobby of his, which is clearly why he’s out there to begin with, and clearly, acting isn’t a hobby of his either, seeing as he’s less believable than most third grade actors in a school play. But it’s OK. The crocodile eats him and spares us his dire performance any longer.

We then switch to something much more important: Sheriff Riley, played by John Schneider of Dukes of Hazzard fame! He tells his punk son Scott to respect him, then tries to get him to talk to a hot chick who I’m sure won’t be in any of the rest of the…oh, screw it; sarcasm is pointless now. The sheriff goes into town and hears about the guy being eaten out on the lake. Like any good law enforcement officer, he waves off the whole thing as a joke and accuses the surviving scientist guy of just being on drugs the whole time, not even listening at all. Truly the best law enforcement in the world.

"You raise a good point. Allow me to contort my face and tap my chin as I ponder your query."

That is until his ex-lover Emily shows up. Emily is a wildlife researcher/bleeding heart who’s been called in as well. She also doesn’t believe there’s anything out on the lake, even when they find the severed head of the dead guy from the opening in the water. What more proof do you need? A note from the croc saying he did it? Hell, I bet even then she wouldn’t believe it! Maybe he just cut off his own head, right?

They go to see Sadie, a crazy old lady who is sadly not played by Betty White this time. Apparently it’s her sister or something; I don’t know. She says she doesn’t know anything and refuses to talk to Emily, slamming the door in her face. Emily mutters something in a clear low tone that nobody would be able to hear that well through a closed door, and Sadie opens up the door again and snaps at her again. Maybe she just has really good hearing aids? I hear the Supersonic Hear-Thru-Walls models are just flying off the shelves! Later on she shouts at them to go away through the closed door and it sounds like she's right outside with them, no barrier separating them at all. Because doors don't block or distort sound in any way! Truly a genius handled the sound editing for this movie.

Then we see some more brilliant examples of tact as Emily and Riley see a helicopter landing around the lake. Emily tells Riley it’s a guy called Struthers, who is some kind of poacher who kills endangered animals, and she keeps talking about how bad and horrible he is even though he is clearly in earshot when he’s walking up to them – nice to see she’s got such a great sense of professionalism! Or maybe it’s just poor filmmaking. Oh and I also love how he keeps saying “She likes me” to his assistant every time Emily shoots down one of his dumb quips. I think I forgot to laugh at that one. Whoops!

Look at these two; it's like the movie is stuck in 1930s cliches of explorers.

Oh, and have you picked up that the sound editing is just horrible? There's zero sense to this. Like the above scene - Emily is walking away, clearly almost out of hearing reach, but she hears Struthers making a sarcastic quip about the idea of trying to humanely get rid of the giant croc and tells him to shut up, but the sound is mixed so it sounds like she's still right there beside him and not walking away in the distance. Maybe she's just really good at throwing her voice? I don't know.

Meanwhile Scott meets up with the hot chick from before, whose name is Kerri, and her dumb jock boyfriend Thad, who has no redeeming qualities. She says she doesn’t want Scott to think they’re all a bunch of redneck hicks, to which Thad replies that he hopes Scott brought beer. Real stunning refutation of that stereotype, I must say! So they all go camping on the lake, and I’m not making a sarcastic quip where I pretend I don’t know what’s going to happen this time. You know what’s going to happen.

They meet up with Larry and Rachel, another couple who you probably won’t remember when this whole thing is over. Larry is a big fat guy with a beard and no shame, and Rachel looks like she belongs in the 50s. We’re treated to some gay wrestling between Larry and Thad in the water while Rachel says she doesn’t want to come in and get her hair wet. Oh, don’t worry honey. That won’t be your biggest problem in about ten minutes. Whoops, spoiler! Oh well.

Scott goes for a walk and displays his amazing coolness when he stands in place, not moving at all, and somehow trips and falls on his ass, sliding down a small bank and landing in the lake below. To be so amazingly inept at even the simple act of standing up straight is just awe-inspiring. That is talent right there.

"Hmmmm, yup, just standing here, enjoying the fresh open air, not doing a thing..."

"Whoops, tripped over air again! Happens all the time. Hyuck hyuck hyuck! Don't judge meeee!" *splat*

Then we switch over to the group of croc-hunters actually starting their hunt. But Emily wants to do it without killing the animal, setting up a net and some bait to try and lure the croc into it. They get something in there, I’m not sure what because it’s so poorly shot, but then the croc sneaks up on them from behind and eats several of their friends, including dorky scientist-guy from the beginning and one of the cops I think. But that doesn’t matter. What does matter is HOLY HELL, THOSE ARE SOME CUBE 2-LEVELS OF CGI BADNESS THERE!

Mnomnomnomnom...nothing like watching your arm get eaten by CGI.

You know, when Jaws did the whole ‘keep the monster hidden’ thing about 35 years ago, it was good, and suspenseful. I am not sure this is what they had in mind. Having people standing there pretending to shoot at something off screen isn’t exactly good entertainment when that’s all you show, and barely ever the actual monster they’re aiming for. Christ. Riley says he doesn’t like hunting, but as soon as Struthers pulls out his guns, Riley is amazed and shocked at how awesome they all are. I like contradicting myself every two sentences, too. No, actually I don’t like that.

At the other end of the lake, Scott gets Kerri and Thad to come see what he found in the woods. Larry doesn’t go because he’s too busy watching Rachel sunbathe nude. He calls her breasts “little monkeys,” really? That’s the euphemism for breasts you’re using in this movie?

???

He’s still in the water though, and for some strange reason the croc bypasses him entirely to go after Rachel on the beach and eat her instead. I guess her dry hair just tastes better or something…and I told you that wouldn’t be her biggest problem, didn’t I?

Well if we can say one thing about this character, her hair was indeed very dry right until the very end.

So yeah, then Larry shouts “I’m sorry” after she gets dragged under and killed – not sure what the point of that is, buddy; not like she can hear you, being dead and all. Just sayin’.

Scott shows Emily and Thad the egg nest he found. Thad smashes some eggs, and almost gets into a fight with him. Thad spouts such poetic lines of dialogue as “You don’t want to start something you can’t finish, or it’ll be your darkest hour.” What is this, a Killswitch Engage song? Thad gets eaten by the crocodile in another amazing display of drop-dead awful CGI, and when they’re running away, Kerri says “What happened? What IS that thing?”

…really? It happened right in front of her, movie. It’s not like it was some alien creature never before seen on this planet! And she didn’t know what happened? I’m not sure it takes a rocket scientist to figure that one out! Her boyfriend got eaten by a crocodile! That’s not exactly cryptic or anything! Man these characters are dumb. If boxes of rocks are the standard, these characters are storage lockers full of rocks.

So while that’s all going on, Riley, Emily and Struthers, along with Struthers’ assistant, Ahmad (who Struthers ‘saved’ from a lion years ago and has him indebted to him) are planning to lure the crocodile out into the open and then kill it. But Struthers, being an attention whore, jumps the gun and ends up getting the boat flipped over, risking death for them all. Ahmad kills the croc but also quits being Struthers’ assistant, saying that he’s been doing it for 14 years and has not gotten any kind of gratitude. I think that’s more his fault for letting it go on so long, but OK. He gets killed off two minutes later anyway, so I guess there was no point to the whole exchange.

They go to see Sadie again, who tells them that she’s been feeding the crocs growth hormones because she doesn’t have money for better food…wait, huh?

"Don't you judge me!"

Anyway, they find out there’s 3 crocodiles. They kill another one of them, so now there’s only the one left. Meanwhile, Scott, Kerri and Larry are hiding in trees when an owl scares them and Scott delivers the following line: “I don’t think owls have ever eaten anybody.” STOP GIVING SCI-FI IDEAS FOR MORE MOVIES, DAMN YOU! Also, I wouldn't really trust the guy who can't stand up straight without falling over to lead me or give me any kind of logical consolation. Just sayin'.

Larry gets killed off, and Riley sends Kerri and Scott to stay with Sadie until they kill the last croc. Struthers cracks some more terrible jokes, Emily acts self righteous and annoying and Riley tries to be Bruce Campbell some more. Kerri says the crocodiles were ugly, and that makes Sadie so mad that she has to feed Kerri to the crocs, but it’s OK, because Scott saves her and somehow Sadie gets pushed into the water and eaten instead. And nothing of value was lost.

The final battle comes around and admittedly I don’t have too much of a problem with these action scenes, as they’re pretty well done in terms of slasher/monster movies. The special effects are crap, but the action scenes are quite good and maybe a little more exciting than the original film’s action scenes. So that’s at least one thing the film did right.

They kill off the crocs, Riley and Emily start making out spontaneously – crocodile hunts and gory death scenes are a big turn on in Maine, I hear – and Scott and Kerri find Kerri’s dog who went missing in an earlier scene, so everything is OK. Because no matter how many people died in the movie, if the dog survives, you know it’s a happy ending. How else would you even do it? By having a sensible resolution and providing a realistic way to send each character off on his or her next journey? Nah, just throw in a dog, as it is the cheapest possible way to end any movie. Hurrah for phoned-in and contrived emotions.

I don’t know. Lake Placid 2 was not the worst thing in the world. There were a few funny scenes and jokes. But on the other hand, the characters had little sense, the story was played out and dull and the editing and special effects were just horrible. So it’s a mixed bag. I can’t really recommend it, as there are so many better films out there, but it’s certainly better than the first one, and also way better than 2007’s other big crocodile movie, Croc. So there’s that! And now I’m finished with my summertime crocodile-movie-reviewing extravaganza, and can move onto something else…

Well isn't that just great?!

REVIEW: Lake Placid (1999)

You know what’s great about summertime? The sun is out. The beaches look tempting enough to skip school and work for. The girls all wear less clothes. You sweat like a fountain. And sometimes…you get eaten by giant killer crocodiles inexplicably residing in lakes owned by crazy old women. Wait, what?

Director: Steve Miner

Starring: Bill Pullman, Bridget Fonda, Brandon Gleeson

Website: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0139414/

"What, are we all museum bigots here in Maine?"

-Bridget Fonda

Yes, Lake Placid, that classic movie about stupid people getting slaughtered by a big crocodile. With a semi-well-known cast of B-grade actors and also Betty White, this movie got some press back in the day and was a pretty big hit in theaters, despite getting mostly shit from the critics. But is this big, dumb monster movie stupid or…really stupid? Let’s take a look.

The film starts off quietly, serenely on a lake with some guys fishing. Nothing wrong here, right? Well, only if you don’t think a guy’s legs getting bitten off by a crocodile underwater is a big deal. In which case, everything’s peachy.

He could still be OK.

So yeah, this bloody spectacle gets the attention of some scientist organization all the way in New York when an ancient looking tooth is found in the remains of the diver. So…what, the monster is losing its baby teeth? Or was that diver really so rock-hard that the tooth just fell out of his mouth like that? Yeah, it’s stupid, but then, we’ve got bigger things to worry about. Like our leading bitch played by Bridget Fonda, who is not a conniving, murder-friendly wife this time but instead something even worse: an insecure scientist who does nothing but complain, complain, COMPLAIN. About EVERYTHING! I can sort of understand why she’s pissed off, as the guy she’s having an affair with wanted to see some other bimbo, but god, the way she’s carrying on it’s like she’s a toddler with a soiled diaper.

I’m serious. Look at the scenes after she gets to Maine; it continues there too. Some cops say some stuff about how she works for a museum and she gets all defensive. They want her to go out on a boat with them and it’s like they told her she had to be a slave and work in the Sahara Desert pushing giant stone rocks for a year. God, it’s like she’s…no, I won’t say ‘on her period,’ because that’s an insult to women everywhere. This…is something entirely new. I believe we have discovered a hypersensitive breed of woman entirely removed from the normal one. We will call them the LEGION OF SUPER-BITCHES.

So, uh, yeah, she meets Brandon Gleeson, who plays the town sheriff, and Bill Pullman, who plays a random rugged male well equipped to fight a monster in a B-horror movie, and together they form a power trio of annoyance as they go out on the lake and listen to Fonda bitch some more. God, she even bitches about the tents they have to sleep in. There’s one scene where she slaps Gleeson in the face like twice for accidentally getting her wet or something. Slaps him in the face. UGH. Why can’t the crocodile kill her first? In what cruel world does this lady have to be the main character?

Alright, alright, so then they’re introduced to the one good thing about this movie – and it’s a major plus – Betty White as Delores, this batshit crazy old lady who lives by the lake and raises farm animals. She says she killed her husband when he was suffering from a terminal illness. The movie…just kind of throws this at us and then the scene ends. So…OK then.

Then we’re introduced to more diabetes fuel when we see our next character, Hector, played by Oliver Platt. This guy is apparently a rich crocodile hunter, or something, who likes to swim with them rather then…actually hunt them. Apparently, according to Fonda, he thinks they’re godly creatures because they’ve never bitten him specifically. Well, have you ever considered the fact that they don’t bite you because they smell the toxic annoyance running through your blood like poison? Might be a factor. And godly creatures? Well I guess if you can claim Jedi as a religion these days, claiming that crocodiles are godly creatures isn’t so ridiculous after all.

So they all form a big old group of crocodile hunters, which is confusing to me, as I have no idea why so many people are jumping at the chance to go to this backwater Maine lake just for the possibility of maybe finding something legendary and unique literally right after it happens, like they have NOTHING ELSE they could be doing, but then, hey, I guess I’m just too dumb to understand the complex inner workings of a group that lets Bridget Fonda hang out with them. Must be something in the water – oh wait, it is. It’s something in the water literally comes out in the blink of an eye while nobody is looking and bites off a guy’s head.

Wait, what? Rewind that. Let’s watch that again.

OK, so Fonda falls off the boat because she’s a clumsy idiot, and they have to go save her. Then they go pick up Platt too, and when everyone is finally on board…wham! No more head for random disposable deputy. What the hell? How could a giant crocodile get THAT FUCKING CLOSE and not be heard or seen? How…why…who…HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? Did they all suffer a simultaneous spell of deafness and blindness? Does the crocodile just have a homing beacon so he could aim precisely for that guy’s head and slip back into the water before anyone could do anything about it? Or – wait, I got it; I really got it. Maybe the crocodile is actually a ninja. NINJA CROC! That sounds like a Newgrounds game from the early 2000s.

So, in other news, Brandon Gleeson is depressed that one of his deputies got eaten by the crocodile, although really I think he’s just pining for the Harry Potter movies to come and revive his career. Platt tries to comfort him by telling him a story about a dream he had as a kid about his head being separated from his body and used as a soccer ball by the neighborhood bullies, which is, I guess, supposed to comfort Gleeson for his loss…I got nothing there; that one’s too weird even for me to touch. Let’s just skip to the next scene.

Gleeson doesn’t take comfort to this (surprised?), but then he gets caught in one of Platt’s traps, which does not make him any happier of a man. This results in Gleeson chasing Platt around like Elmer Fudd chasing Buggs Bunny. It’s completely stupid and makes it even harder to take this movie seriously, but what happens next is a testament to everything wonderful in this world. I warn you, viewers – prepare for this scene, or else you might end up unable to handle how ungodly awesome it truly is. This, folks…this is what is good in life.

I am of course talking about a scene where a bear fights a crocodile. THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING.

You are looking at the crowning moment of AWESOME in this entire film.

So Bill Pullman, frustrated with the fact that he hasn’t done anything in this movie yet despite getting top billing, jumps in and saves Bridget Fonda as the crocodile drags the bear off into the water for some, uh, lunchtime. Then the movie decides that all the sudden, Fonda and Pullman like one another romantically as she fixes the wounds he got from a hard day’s croc-fighting. Where did this come from? I don’t know; I guess anyone who isn’t a crazy psychotic killing roommate is an upgrade for her. Or maybe she just fell for the old Lone Starr charm.

Works every time on any lady!

Speaking of which, Bridget Fonda’s acting here is just horrible. She constantly pauses between lines, and while doing that she changes her facial expression at MINIMUM five times before her next line. Did the director just have an incredible tendency for mood swings? Was he bipolar? “No, uh, Bridget, try an angry face now. No, that won’t work. How about a sad, confused face? No…”

While that awkwardly forced romance is going on, Brandon Gleeson finds out that Betty White lied before about her husband and has been working in cohorts all along with the crocodiles that ate him for the last 6 years. Yes, folks. You are now looking at the world’s first and last old lady-slash-crocodile cohort team. TREMBLE IN FEAR! But seriously, what sense does this make? The old lady is working with the crocodiles that killed her husband? Why? Next you’ll be telling me it was all a conspiracy the whole time to kill him together! I smell a Hitchcockian mystery-thriller! Call David Fincher!

Happy birthday Mr. Croc! Here's your present!

So, yeah, they place her under house arrest after seeing her feed a cow to the crocodile. Because animal rights need to be preserved! Betty White, in an amusing twist, starts calling them all names as they put her on lockdown. I don’t know about you, but I think “Officer Fuckmeat” is a very poetic way to express one’s feelings. Touching.

Meanwhile, Platt and his new cop girlfriend go on a helicopter ride while Platt tries to find the crocodile. He gets in too far over his head and the crocodile tries to eat their helicopter:

"Yum, a snack! I love helicopters, even when they're storebought and not mother's homemade kind..."

Then we get our climax, as everyone decides they have to kill these crocs before anyone else gets hurt. I love how even though Gleeson and the others gave Betty White all that crap about animal rights and mistreating her cows by feeding them to the croc, they have ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM with using one of the cows as bait to lure it out in the open. You hypocrites, that’s like if Richard Nixon went on tirades about how people shouldn’t steal. You goddamned hypocrites.

But anyway, Platt and Fonda both think they should SAVE the poor defenseless creatures. Well gee, why didn’t I think of that? It’s not like the croc actually killed anybody…oh, wait, it did and you’re both idiots. Why doesn’t that surprise me in the least? So they run around and Fonda falls off the truck they’re on – seriously, can’t this broad quit falling off shit for one second so she doesn’t have to be rescued? – and the croc chases her into the water, where she evades him by…hiding behind a tree. Yeah, because there’s NO WAY a crocodile would EVER think to look there! You might as well put up a fake wall with a tunnel drawn on it and see if he goes through it.

But, surprise, the croc finds her and chases her until it gets caught in the broken down helicopter like some fatal neck-brace. The animal rights pussies complain, so Pullman just shoots it with a dart gun and puts it to sleep, but then OH NO, there was actually TWO crocodiles this whole time! Gleeson immediately blows it up with a rocket launcher and…nobody complains even one bit about that. Huh. Those fuckin’ double standards, right? Gotta love ‘em.

This movie is stupid. Really stupid, in fact! Bridget Fonda is a pain in the ass, most of the characters are morons, the plot is full of holes and the only thing even close to redeeming any of this is Betty White as the old lady. They should have just made this whole movie about her! Maybe then it would have been at least a little more entertaining. As is, the only thing this movie is good for is taking it to Gatorland to use as food for the gators. And that’s the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth!

Pictures copyright of their original owners, although I took all the snapshots from the actual movie.