Showing posts with label self esteem. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self esteem. Show all posts

Friday, September 14, 2018

Memes as Visual Self-Affirmations

Don Mangus



Don Mangus



Don Mangus



Don Mangus



Don Mangus



Don Mangus



Don Mangus



Don Mangus



Don Mangus



Don Mangus



Don Mangus




At first I was just fooling around having fun on Facebook, but then it struck me -- making your own ego-boosting memes might have some therapeutic value for some folks. Sort of like a visual self-affirmation statement. Try it out. It's like a publicity campaign for your self-esteem. Narcissists need not bother, though. Speaking of which -- don't worry, I made these memes over the span of many months. I just collected them together here, before I delete them from my tablet. Onward!

From yee Wiki:

Self-affirmation theory is a psychological theory that focuses on how individuals adapt to information or experiences that are threatening to their self-concept. Claude Steele originally popularized self-affirmation theory in the late 1980s, and it remains a well-studied theory in social psychological research.

Self-affirmation theory contends that if individuals reflect on values that are personally relevant to them, they are less likely to experience distress and react defensively when confronted with information that contradicts or threatens their sense of self.

Experimental investigations of self-affirmation theory suggest that self-affirmation can help individuals cope with threat or stress and that it might be beneficial for improving academic performance, health, and reducing defensiveness.







Thursday, January 28, 2016

Recognizing Workplace Bullies For What They Are Is the First Step --

Workplace Bullying is toxic, and all too common...




Remember, the truth is in most cases the targets are:


Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Karolina Tatarenkova: Self-Help Blog Post: Overcoming the Fear of NotBeing Good Enough

When was the last time you felt that you had to prove something to the people you love? How often do you doubt your ability and courage to achieve something you deeply desire?  How often you do you feel like you're never good enough for your parents, for example? No matter what you do, you never even get "That's great! I'm so proud of you!"  -- or maybe they do tell you so, but only on occasion.


When you feel that you're not good enough, you often find yourself in isolation, sitting in the dark room, abandoned and longing for love from the people you have never received much love from, even in your childhood. Here is a process for you to take on in order to be less likely to be lost in the fear of not being enough. 


Uncover the True Message

When you experience pain as a result of interaction with other people, it's because you tend to personalize everything they say or don't say, and take it to heart. I realize that the opinion of people whose love you have never received and always cherished is precious to you, like water in the desert. But it doesn't have to be. It's not all about you. Actions speak louder than words. You probably have heard this saying many time before. The actions through which they show you love are according to their dictionary of how love is expressed, not yours.  So, don't expect them to live life according to your terms. 


Nurture Self-Love

In order to expand the love you experience, you need to embark on a spiritual journey to discover unconditional love for yourself. Love is a choice, and if you have never experienced love, it's because you never chose to love. Love can be a healing force that unifies everybody. You can love somebody without needing anything in return from them. That's where freedom comes in.  


Embark on the Journey of Self-Discovery

I have a challenge for you over the next 21 days. Imagine that you're somewhere on an amazingly beautiful island, enjoying the sacred music of the ocean. You can't really see yourself because the sun shines so bright. From this place of serenity and tranquility, write down three things you love about yourself. The deeper you explore, the greater sense of totality and personal power will come in. 


What's Your Authentic Mission in Life?

I follow my passion and my heart. I know you do, too. Why is it that you still find yourself rushing to prove to others that you deserve to be loved and to love? Why? It's powerful question. We spend too much time trying to figure out why that we forget that it doesn't really matter.  It's rarely about why. 

If you rely on somebody's validation of your success, you will never be free. You will never be able to create art and fulfill your passion. It will be so easy for anyone to derail you off your path. The next time you are uncertain about your success -- reflect back on why you are in this business, this relationship, or this career in the first place.  


Direct Your Focus on Living Fully

Stop wasting your life and drowning in suffering because you have never had the love and attention that you deserved from your parents. You will create obstacles by focusing on what you can't have. By referring back to the memories of your parents never encouraging you for the great achievements that should have made them outrageously happy, you reinforce the limiting belief of not being good enough and worthy of people's attention.  


Have Fun Achieving Your Life Mission

Coaching and counselling people, I can confidently say that you can't force people to see from your own reality. We all have our own reality, and each reality is valid. Accept that you can't control people or even change their behaviour by telling them not to do something. We all have been emotionally wounded at some point of our lives.  

However, some chose not to allow that wound to stop them from finding fulfillment in life, whereas others continue picking that scab, never allowing it to disappear. It might have been their fault that they never loved you the way you wanted them, but it's your fault to allow it define who you are in the present.  


Let It Go

It might be scary to let go of the feeling of not being good enough. Maybe it's time to forgive and move on. You might think that not forgiving others for not loving you that way you wanted them to serves you as a protection. But it doesn't. A fearless life is life with passion and courage. In fact, it poisons you, your soul and your passion for life, because not only will they have robbed you in the past, they will have robbed you of the future as well. No one can take away your future from you.

Unforgiveness is self-fulfilling because it has everything to do with you and nothing with another person. You trap yourself in isolation and loneliness by trying to prove that you're worthy of love. It feeds this imprisonment. Problems need energy to live. Find people in your life who support you and empower you to become a better version of yourself.  


Continuously Realign Goals with Your Life Mission

Next time you feel like you're not enough for your parents, grandparents, lover etc., tell yourself the following: "Every time I'm wasting my energy on where I have been, I'm not going to have the energy, audacity and courage I need to energize where I'm going."

Let it go...You want to cry, cry. You want to ponder, ponder. But never ever again let anyone rob you of your happiness, authenticity and desires.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. Blog: Five Things Preventing You From AttractingYour Beloved

By Margaret Paul, Ph.D. 
Most of us would love to be in a loving, committed relationship. Yet, for many, this seems to be elusive. There are some good reasons for this.

1. We Attract at Our Common Level of Self-Abandonment or Self-Love
Do you abandon yourself in one or more of these four ways?

Staying focused in your head rather than being present with your feelings in your body

Judging yourself harshly, putting a lot of pressure on yourself

Turning to various addictions to avoid your feelings and to fill up inner emptiness

Making others responsible for your happiness and self-worth

People who love and value themselves, and take responsibility for their own happiness and self-worth, are not attracted to people who abandon themselves. Two people who abandon themselves often get together, hoping the other person will give them the love they are not giving to themselves, only to be disappointed and move on. We do not have love to share with another when we are not loving ourselves.

2. Fear of Rejection -- Loss of Other

When you abandon yourself -- which means that you are rejecting yourself -- then you naturally fear being rejected by others. The fear of rejection leads to feeling anxious in relationships, which leads to trying to have control over not being rejected. Whatever you do to try to control not being rejected -- being overly nice, having sex too soon, giving yourself up and being compliant, tolerating unloving behavior on the part of the other person -- is inauthentic and often leads to the rejection you are trying to avoid.

3. Fear of Engulfment -- Loss of Self

If you came from controlling parents and learned to give yourself up to avoid a loss of love, then you might have a big fear of being consumed and smothered in a relationship. You might believe that you need to give yourself up to be loved -- to avoid rejection -- and this fear might lead you to pull back from a relationship the moment it starts to get close. 

If you find yourself coming on strong at the beginning of a relationship and then losing interest as soon as the other person is interested, then you likely have a fear of engulfment and are relationship-avoidant.

4. Level of Happiness and Self-Worth

If you are an unhappy person with low self-worth, do you expect that a happy person with high self-worth is going to be attracted to you? This is very unlikely. The problem is also that you might not be attracted to another unhappy person. You might hope to find a happy person who will make you happy, but it doesn't generally work this way.

If you want to attract a happy person and create a loving relationship, then you need to first do your inner work to become a happy, loving person.

5. Attachment to the Outcome

When you meet someone and you become attached to the outcome, in terms of making your happiness and worth dependent on the other person liking you, you may put out an energy that actually pushes the other person away. Most of us don't want to be responsible for another's happiness, worth and well-being. It doesn't feel like love when someone is focused on getting love rather than on being loving.

Getting Love, Being Loving

This is the essence of the issue of attracting your beloved. Is your primary intent in being in a relationship to get love, or is it to share your love with your beloved? If it's to get love -- due to your own self-abandonment -- then your challenge in attracting your beloved is to learn to love yourself and share your love.

If you want to be in a loving, committed relationship and you have not been able to manifest this in your life, or if your current relationship isn't working, then you first need to learn to create a loving relationship with yourself. 

Once you know how to fill yourself up with love to share with a partner, you will find that you have a much easier time attracting your beloved and creating a loving relationship.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Workplace Bully Bashers of Bellingham

By Brad Broberg, Puget Sound Business Journal

Pity the bully who picks on Gary Namie.

I’m bully-proof,” he says.

That’s easy to say when you’re built like a bear, but it’s Namie’s nature, not his stature, that makes him immune from bullies. Pitch him any you-know-what, and he’ll pitch it right back.

I’m a really nice guy,” he says, “until you cross me.”

If everyone were like Namie, workplace bullies would be starving for targets. But many people aren’t wired for conflict and are unable to rebuff a bully — usually their boss but sometimes a co-worker.

Insults, intimidation and isolation are just some of the tactics a bully employs. The toll on the target’s health — everything from clinical depression to high blood pressure to post-traumatic stress disorder — can be devastating.

The issue exploded into the headlines last year when the editor of a University of Virginia literary magazine killed himself after complaining of alleged bullying by his boss — an extreme response but a testament to bullying’s destructive potential.

Such devastation is why Namie and his wife, Ruth founded the Workplace Bullying Institute (WBI). Based in Bellingham, the institute is the hub of an anti-bullying enterprise that combines nonprofit advocacy and education with a money-making consulting and speaking practice.

What I’m most proud of is the breadth and depth of what we do,” says Namie, who was a college teacher and corporate manager before bully-busting became his life’s work.

WBI is a virtual institute with a website  full of news and data about workplace bullying, including tips on how to respond, advice on how to get help and forums to share experiences. The nonprofit institute also offers telephone coaching sessions that — for a fee — provide bullying targets with emotional support and personalized strategies for dealing with their plight.

Media coverage of workplace bullying frequently features the Namies, who’ve been cited and quoted by the likes of CNN, and USA Today and authored articles in peer-reviewed publications such as the International Journal of Communication.

The institute commissioned what it says was the first national survey of workplace bullying in 2007 and followed that with another survey in 2010. In both surveys, one out of three respondents said they’d been bullied at work.

While the institute anchors their efforts, the Namies have many oars in the water. Their network includes:

Healthy Workplace Campaign, which leads their nationwide push for anti-bullying legislation
Work Doctor, home base for their consulting and speaking business
WBI University, which provides training in how to spot and stop bullying
Bully Busters, an online store selling mugs, buttons and T-shirts as well as their book, “The Bully at Work.” Another book, “The Bully-Free Workplace,” is due out this spring.

The Namies aren’t the only people addressing workplace bullying in the U.S., but they’ve been doing it longer than just about anybody else and are unique in combining advocacy, consulting and research, said Sarah Tracy, an associate communications professor at Arizona State University who studies workplace bullying.

Everybody knows Gary and Ruth,” she said.

Although Ruth is retired and no longer plays an active role in the WBI, her story is the ongoing inspiration for the organization’s mission. Flash back to 1995. The Namies were living in San Francisco. Gary, a social psychologist with a doctorate from the University of California, Santa Barbara, was teaching at local universities and consulting. Ruth, with a doctorate from the California School of Professional Psychology, was working for a health maintenance organization.

Both were blissfully ignorant of workplace bullying until Ruth found herself in the crosshairs of a female superior who berated her, spread rumors, disrupted her work and generally made her life miserable.

As the Namies searched for remedies, they were surprised to learn two things: Bullying is usually not illegal, and there was nowhere to turn for support and advice.

But they didn’t curse the dark. They lit a candle — the Campaign Against Workplace Bullying. Through a toll-free hotline, a website and seminars, their ad hoc crusade helped bring the largely unacknowledged issue to light, letting targets know they were not alone and were not to blame.

We didn’t set out to create a (business),” Gary Namie says. “We set out to fill a need that wasn’t being met.”

Gary Namie compares the lack of recognition given to workplace bullying at the time of Ruth’s episode to the lack of recognition once given to domestic violence.

This is domestic violence where the abuser is on the payroll,” he says.

The Namies moved to Bellingham in 2001 when Gary Namie landed a job teaching psychology at Western Washington University. That’s where the Campaign Against Workplace Bullying morphed into the Workplace Bullying Institute. Gary Namie, who retired from teaching in 2003, began pouring all of his energy into eliminating workplace bullying.

The WBI defines workplace bullying as repeated verbal abuse, offensive conduct and/or sabotage of the target’s work that harms the target’s mental/physical health.

How do you distinguish a jerk or a tough manager from a bully? A tough boss is tough on everybody,” Gary Namie said. “A bully dumps all the misery on the few.”

The WBI provides lots of information about surviving being bullied, but none about how to confront bullies. Gary Namie believes that if targets were capable of confronting their tormenter, they already would have.

The employer has to stop it,” Gary Namie says.

The problem is that employers often ignore or even tolerate bullying, he said.

Bullying sounds a lot like illegal harassment, but it’s usually not. Canada and some European countries have anti-bullying laws, but bullying typically is not against the law in the U.S. unless it involves harassment based on a person’s race, religion, sex or other legally protected status.

Namie and a volunteer network of state coordinators are working hard to change that through their grassroots Healthy Workplace Campaign. They have yet to pass a bill, but they’ve introduced bills in 20 states — including Washington — and are convinced it’s only a matter of time until one state and then another and then another makes workplace bullying illegal.

The proposed laws put the onus on employers to prevent workplace bullying. While employers aren’t wild about anti-bullying laws, they’re starting to prepare for their “inevitable” passage, Namie says.

That’s a bullish development for people like Namie who help employers assess and eliminate bullying in their organizations. The phone at Work Doctor is ringing more than ever, he says. Ditto for WBI University, which will hold its first out-of-state session this spring in Chicago.

There’s good money to be made fighting workplace bullying. Tuition for WBI University, which provides three days of intense training in a class of five to 10 people, is $3,600. The price tag for five days of on-site consulting by Namie and his team averages $45,000. He says he gets one to two on-site consulting gigs, plus up to 10 speaking engagements, every month.

Critical of Competitors

Namie is openly critical of the credentials of many of his competitors — including one who called him a bully in a BusinessWeek magazine article after he questioned her abilities. He shrugs off the accusation.

I’m not considered a bully (but) that’s OK. It doesn’t matter.” His point, he said, is that people should have “some background and experience” in the field before billing themselves as experts.

If Namie has a fault, it’s that he might be too passionate about his work, said Pam Lutgen-Sandvik, an associate communications professor at the University of New Mexico who interned at the WBI in 2003 and studies workplace bullying. She suspects some might find Namie’s devotion — and decibel level when he gets on a roll — disconcerting.

He cares about it so much,” said Lutgen-Sandvik. “I’m sure that someone may look at him and think, ‘Wow! Why is he getting so excited?’ But that’s the way it is for people who have a life’s mission.

As for being a bully, “I’ve never heard anybody talk about him like that or call him a bully,” she said.

The question facing the Namies is whether to continue growing — they’re up to four employees — or start licensing their trademarked system for assessing, correcting and preventing workplace bullying dubbed the Work Doctor Blueprint. Either way, they’re pleased what they’ve achieved so far.

It was born in misery with Ruth’s plight,” Namie said, “but out of that has come the ability to help a lot of other people.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Margaret Paul Ph.D.: Nine Ways to Love Yourself


By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

The focus of my work is helping people to stop abandoning themselves and learn to love themselves. One of most common statements I hear from my clients, as well as from my workshop and intensive participants and from members of my website, is, "I don't know how to love myself."

Of course they don't -- they had no role models for loving themselves. Few of us had parents who role modeled personal responsibility for their own well-being.

Yet often when I ask these same people what a child needs to feel loved, they have no problem articulating what this would look like. They may even have children to whom they are loving parents but can't conceive of what it would look like to love themselves -- to love their inner child.

Below are nine actions that, if they come from a genuine place in your heart, will make you feel very loved.

1. Listen within to your own feelings.

Many people easily tune into others' feelings yet have no idea what they feel. If you ignore a child's feelings, that child will feel unloved. Ignoring your own feelings has the same result -- your inner child feels rejected, abandoned and unloved by you.

2. Be compassionate with your feelings.

If you judge your feelings, telling yourself you are wrong for having them, your inner child will feel rejected and abandoned by you. If you are kind, gentle, tender, understanding and accepting of your feelings, your inner child will feel loved by you.

3. Open to learning about what your feelings are telling you.

Just as an actual child feels loved when you are compassionately interested in why he or she is hurting, your inner child will feel loved when you explore what your feelings are telling you. All feelings are informational. Just as physical pain alerts you to a problem that needs attention, so does emotional pain. Painful feelings are telling you that you are abandoning yourself, or that someone is being unloving to you, or to themselves or to others, or that a situation is not good for you. Compassionately attending to your feelings, learning what they are telling you, and then taking action to remedy the situation, will make you feel loved. 

4. Create a solid connection with a spiritual source of love, wisdom and comfort.

Love is not a feeling we generate from our mind. It comes from the heart when our heart is open to our source of love. When you open to learning with your higher power about loving yourself and others, love flows into your heart and you feel loved. 

5. Choose to be around loving people.

We don't always have a choice -- such as in work relationships -- but when we do have a choice -- such as in personal relationships -- choosing to be around caring, supportive and accepting people will make you feel loved. If, when you have a choice, you consistently engage with unkind, judgmental or abusive people, the message you are sending to yourself is that you are not worth loving. 

6. Take loving actions for yourself around others.

When you are around someone who is being unkind, speak up for yourself, letting the person know that you don't like being treated that way, and then either open to learning about what is going on, or lovingly disengage from the interaction. Allowing others to treat you badly sends a message to your inner child that he or she is not worth loving.

7. Take care of your body, your time, your space and your finances.

You will feel loved and lovable when you feed yourself healthy food, and get exercise and sleep. When you ignore your health, you are giving yourself the message that you are not worth loving.

If you are always late and disorganized regarding your time and your space, again you are giving yourself the message that you are not worth taking care of. When you respect your own and others' time and space, you are letting yourself know that you are worth it.

When you overspend, putting yourself in unnecessary debt, you are not taking loving care of yourself, and your inner child will feel scared, alone and unloved. Just as an actual child needs to feel safe regarding the necessities of life, your inner child needs to feel the same way.

8. Find work you love

Since work takes up a big part of your day, finding or creating work that fulfills you is vitally important. If you continue to force yourself to stay at jobs you hate, the message to yourself is that you are not worth doing whatever it is you need to do, to create a fulfilling work life.

9. Create balance

All work and no play, or all play and no work, creates inner anxiety rather than inner peace. We need balance in our life to feel loved and lovable. We need time to work and time to rest and rejuvenate. We also need time to nurture our body and soul through activities that bring us joy.

Expecting others to make you feel loved while you are abandoning yourself will never lead to feeling loved and lovable. When you learn to take responsibility for yourself emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually, organizationally and relationally, then you will feel loved and lovable. Taking responsibility for loving yourself fills your heart with love, which you can then share with others.

Sharing love is the most fulfilling experience in life, but you need to be filled with love in order to have love to share. Learning to love yourself is what fills you with love.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a relationship expert and best-selling author.

Monday, February 17, 2014

17 Signs You're An Overachiever

by Amanda L. Chan

"I just don't know how he/she manages to do it all!"

If people are always saying this about you, you may be an overachiever.

But while the title of "overachiever" often has a positive connotation -- think back to your elementary school days, when being an overachiever basically meant being the teacher's pet -- it's not always all it's cracked up to be.

Overachievers are more likely, for instance, to feel anxious. And their motivations for, well, over-achieving, often stem from the need to avoid negative judgment, explains Robert Arkin, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at The Ohio State University.

If you're an overachiever, a lot of the following signs are probably true for you:

1. It's all about the outcome.
And it better be a good one. Arkin explains that one of two hallmark traits of an overachiever is the staking of identity on outcomes. "They believe that people around them, and they themselves, judge their worthiness based upon how well they do," he says.

Overachievers view failure more as a personal reflection on themselves, whereas a high performer is more likely to embrace failure as "part of the process," says John Eliot, Ph.D., a clinical professor in human performance at Texas A&M University and author of Overachievement.

2. You live your life in a state of perpetual relief. 

Overachievers are far more focused on avoiding failure than they are at achieving a good outcome -- a key differentiator between an overachiever and a high performer. But there is a downside to this: "When you avoid a bad outcome, your emotional life is experienced more as relief than it is experienced as joy, and that's just not as rewarding," Arkin says. "If people are walking around feeling anxious and tightly wound, trying to avoid bad things, then they're really not tuned into life. They're thinking about the past and the future, mostly, instead of living in the moment and enjoying its pleasures."

3. You secretly think you're not good enough. 

The other hallmark trait of an overachiever is feelings of self-doubt about one's own competence or ability, Arkin says. While some people will "self-sabotage" when they feel inadequate, overachievers stake their identities on performance in order to conquer self-doubt.

4. There is a short list of things you want to be good at -- and that list only includes things you know you'll be judged on. 

People who do things for the love of it may have a wide range of things on which they stake their identities, such as hobbies, relationships, work, and the like. "But overachievers narrow that list of things, and they tend to want to be good at all of those things," Arkin says.

5. Your significant other is tired of hearing, "I'm sorry honey, but I have to stay at the office late again."
While everyone has to cancel on commitments because of work from time to time, overachievers are more likely to do this than others. And it doesn't even have to be a social event with friends or family -- an overachiever may also be more likely to skip something as simple as exercise in order to finish what they feel they need to do, Eliot says.

6. Criticism is the worst.

It all goes back to the fear of failure -- overachievers' public enemy No. 1 is criticism, because it implies that they failed at something, Arkin says.

7. You're very future-focused.
Because overachievers are constantly trying to avoid bad outcomes, they are heavily focused on the future -- and as a result, often neglect the present.

8. You feel anxious a lot.
If there's one mental trait that's highly correlated with being an overachiever, it's anxiety. It goes back to the future-focused mindset: Constantly worrying about what the future holds and achieving everything that needs to be achieved is a recipe for stress.

9. You just got promoted, but you're already thinking about how you'll achieve the next promotion.

Because it's so hard for overachievers to just live in the present, the joy that comes from something like a job promotion can be cut short by thoughts about what's next. "They're never satisfied," Eliot says.

In addition, overachievers are more likely to value being promoted regardless of how they got it, "even if it's at the expense of a coworker or if they didn't really earn it," Eliot says. "Maybe they talked their way into it, or they took their boss out for dinner enough times. People look at that and say, 'You didn't really earn that.' But a classic overachiever doesn't care -- only achievement matters."

10. You're a perfectionist.
There's a strong correlation between being a perfectionist and being an overachiever -- and this doesn't only apply to the workplace. Overachievers may also be concerned about being a perfect spouse or parent, or having a perfect home, Eliot says.

11. You're the first one in the office, and the last one to leave.
Overachievers are more likely to work long hours -- sometimes without people knowing about it -- because they want to be perceived as capable of doing it all, Arkin says.

12. In high school, you were the one in 15 clubs.
Many overachievers share similar backgrounds: They had an A in every class, participated in every club and went to music lessons and sports practices -- all in the name of a strong college application. "That's a classic kid getting into an overachievement mindset," Eliot says.

However, this isn't necessarily the most healthy background. "When you look at the kids who are the most successful who did well in high school and college, the ones with the thriving careers -- they're the ones who got good grades. Maybe not 4.0s, they didn't belong to every club -- maybe just one or two -- but the ones that they did, they really made a difference with them," Eliot says.

13. Being able to provide your child with all the opportunities in the world has more to do with your fear of being a bad parent, and less to do with helping your child realize his or her interests and passions.
All parents, to some extent, feel the need to "do it all" for their kids. But overachievers tend to do it big -- attending every PTA meeting, making goodies for the bake sales, volunteering in class, constantly checking up with the child's teacher -- because they care so much about being the best parents. "It's a sort of self-worth exercise for parents in being valued as good parents," Eliot says. "There's a feeling of, 'I have to do all this stuff so I feel good about myself as a parent, so my self-esteem as a parent is high.' But they don't realize that when they care so much about wanting to be the best parents, they get into this frenzied state."

14. You gravitate toward commission-based jobs.
This includes real-estate agents, stock-traders and salespeople. "It's push, push, push sort of work," Eliot says. That's not to say overachievers are exclusively in commission-based jobs. In any field, an overachiever is the one taking on extra work as an indicator of productivity. If you're a lawyer, for instance, this may translate to taking on a larger caseload than anyone else in the firm; an academic, whose productivity is measured in publications, may work longer or harder into the night to get more done, Arkin says.

15. You keep score in your relationship.
You may not be writing it down, but you're probably keeping track of who's doing what to contribute to a relationship, Eliot says.

16. Crunch-time is the worst time.

That's because you as an overachiever are often your own worst enemy. When the stakes are high, "the overachiever tends to make mistakes in that situation, and are more out to choke because they're so concerned with the outcome," Eliot says.

17. You may be more likely to stay in an unhappy marriage.
Overachievers hate failure, and failure is failure, whether it's work or a relationship. For that reason, overachievers are more likely to stay in a marriage they know is doomed because they're concerned about how they'll be perceived if their marriage were to fail, Eliot says.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Codependency and Narcissism in the Workplace

H

Does a narcissist control your behavior at work?

Codependence is used increasingly to describe various dysfunctional relationships. 

Dysfunctional managerial behavior is often characterized by narcissistic leaders and their codependents, and is now widespread in the workplace.

 As a result, codependent employees spread their narcissistic boss's damaging behavior throughout the workplace. 

The narcissistic boss needs codependent individuals around him as a source of admiration and the codependent is attracted to the security he offers; the 'you look after me and I'll look after you' behavioral approach.

The codependent functions to protect the narcissist from the consequences of his or her behavior, often by lying.

Codependents crave security so they tend to be drawn to the strong and powerful image presented by the narcissist boss. Unfortunately for the codependent, the image is false

The narcissist uses the codependent's natural desire to help others to his own ends, usually as a boost to his self-esteem.

Codependents live for others, feeling responsible for them and attempting to regulate the world around them

When the codependent is working for (or working with) a narcissist, he is in a position where he can easily be exploited as a characteristic of the narcissist is lack of empathy.

Codependent characteristics vary from individual to individual, but their dysfunctional behaviors have negative consequences and outcomes in the workplace

Codependent patterns of behavior include, among others, avoiding decision making and confrontation, external referencing (always checking outside oneself before making choices), subordinating one's needs to those of the person with whom one is involved (the narcissist), perfectionism, over-controlling, manipulation, lack of trust and lying.

"Helping managers who come from dysfunctional backgrounds... presents a new and different problem for organizations. 

There is no management development model for dealing with dysfunctional managers. 

They cannot be "cured" through projects or seminars. Dysfunctional patterns result from early patterns, not lack of skills, knowledge, or ability."

Both narcissists and codependents bring their own dysfunctional childhood patterns into the workplace. 

The codependent's behavior can be damaging to the organization when influenced by, for example, a narcissistic boss. 

On the other hand, the codependent can be a considerable asset to the organization when influenced by, for example, a good effective leader.

If you want to know more about codependency and narcissism in the workplace, read Narcissism: Behind the Mask.