The Union: Spy VERY lite

The Union (2024) • View trailer

Three stars (out of five). Rated PG-13, for violence, sexual candor, and occasional profanity

Available via: Netflix

By Derrick Bang

The bar is getting awfully low, when it comes to spy thrillers.

 

Writers Joe Barton and David Guggenheim didn’t do much to earn their keep; you won’t find a single original thought here. Their barely-there premise lifts clichés from countless other (superior) films, adding just enough plot to justify the requisite half-dozen action and chase sequences.

 

Although every attempt to stay ahead of countless unspecified attackers fails miserably,
Mike (Mark Wahlberg) and Roxanne (Halle Berry) always survive to fight another day.

This script couldn’t have filled more than a single sheet of paper ... and that’s pretty much what wound up on the screen.

Events kick off during a prologue, as seasoned operatives Roxanne Hart (Halle Berry) and Nick Faraday (Mike Colter) lead a team to capture a guy planning to auction a suitcase that contains a priceless whatzit. The operation goes south; Roxanne’s entire team is killed, along with their target, and unspecified Bad Guys get away with the suitcase.

 

(We never know who any of these adversaries are, or for whom they work; they’re simply Black-Clad Bad Guys who arrive in Black Cars and Black Helicopters.)

 

Turns out Roxanne works for The Union, which — stop me, if you’ve heard this before — tackles worldwide catastrophes that other U.S. government spy agencies aren’t able to handle.

 

(“The Union”? Seriously? That sounds like a labor organization. Would it have been asking too much, for Barton and Guggenheim to come up with a catchy acronym?)

 

The sought-after whatzit is a computer file that contains a list of every individual working for Western-allied agencies throughout the world: CIA, FBI, MI5 and MI6, France’s DGSE, and so forth.

 

(One wonders how such a list could have been assembled. Do they all subscribe to the same magazine? Share the same Amazon shopping account?)

 

Those in possession of the suitcase intend to sell it to the highest bidder, during a black-market auction. Union head honcho Tom Brennan (J.K. Simmons) hopes to put one of his own “friendly” bidders in play, to surmount offers from five international bad actors: China, North Korea, Syria, Russia and Iran. But since all active agents would be recognized — due to the aforementioned list — this “friendly” must be some sort of regular guy.

 

Which — and this is an awfully big leap — makes Roxanne think of her former high school boyfriend, Mike McKenna (Mark Wahlberg), who remained in New Jersey and is employed as a blue-collar bridge worker. Wahlberg doesn’t need to stretch, since such roles have become his signature: a hard-working, hard-partying good ol’ boy with a solid moral compass and limited ambition.

 

He's also sleeping with his seventh-grade school teacher: a “gag” that doesn’t begin to work (and suffers more from repetition).

The Portable Door: Unevenly framed

The Portable Door (2023) • View trailer

Three stars (out of five). Not rated, and suitable for all ages

Available via: Amazon Prime

By Derrick Bang

First impressions can be crucial, and this film’s first act is needlessly messy.

 

Director Jeffrey Walker’s initially frantic, quasi-slapstick tone is matched by performances that are all over the place; one gets a sense that everybody involved is desperate to prove that This Movie Will Be Fun.

 

Paul (Patrick Carpenter) and Sophie (Sophie Wilde) realize they're in a lot of trouble,
after being dumped into a huge, door-laden sub-level of J.W. Welles & Co.

The resulting impression instead veers toward exasperation, and viewers are likely to give up after about 20 minutes. That would be a shame, because — once Walker and his cast settle down — this larkish fantasy becomes much more palatable.

Leon Ford’s screenplay is adapted from British author Tom Holt’s 2003 novel of the same title, first in what has become his eight-book (and counting) “J.W. Wells & Co.” series, referencing the venerable London firm where mysterious doings take place.

 

Our entry point, as this film begins, is Paul Carpenter (Patrick Gibson), a hapless failure-to-launch who is light-years away from getting his life together. Reduced to seeking employment at a local café, his attempt to do so is interrupted by a string of coincidences: His alarm doesn’t go off, his trousers have a stain, his shoelace breaks — twice — and his toaster blows up. 

 

When Paul finally reaches the queue of would-be baristas hoping for the same job, he’s distracted by an enthusiastic “Great to see you again!” from a jovial fellow who claims to have been one of his university professors — but whom Paul doesn’t recognize —and then by a scruffy little dog that steals his scarf.

 

Paul’s attempt to retrieve the scarf terminates in an alley — the dog having vanished — just outside a partially open door marked “Applicants.” This turns out to be a side entrance to J.W. Wells & Co., where Paul finds himself on a couch alongside the well-appointed and rudely stuffy Sophie Pettingel (Sophie Wilde), one of apparently several individuals angling for an intern’s slot.

 

To Paul’s surprise, he’s summoned next — by name — by middle manager Dennis Tanner (Sam Neill), for an odd interview led by CEO Humphrey Wells (Christoph Waltz). Additional board members Nienke Van Spee (Rachel House), Countess Judy (Miranda Otto) and Casimir Suslowicz (Chris Pang) observe silently. Everybody looks sadly amused by this obviously under-talented applicant, until Paul mentions the series of odd coincidences that led to his presence.

 

And, just like that, Paul is hired, to begin immediately … despite his lack of worthwhile skills. He soon learns that J.W. Wells is a wonderland of weird: Van Spee’s hair has a life of its own; receptionist Rosie Tanner (Jessica De Gouw) seems unusually fond of a stapler; and a baby dragon can be spotted at odd moments.