Cohen's Birth Story

Well, I have to give it to my children... they certainly do know how to make an entrance.

I spent Tuesday morning doing housework and weeding the vegetable garden in hopes that I would somehow jump-start labor. After my shower and lunch I started having contractions and by 2pm they were painful enough and close enough that I started thinking about calling Derek. At 3pm I gave in and called him and told him that he needed to come home so we could head to the hospital. His dad came over to watch Addison and we left for the hospital. We checked in to L&D at 4pm and the nurses hooked me up to the monitors to check my contractions and see how baby was handling everything. My contractions slowed down a bit once we got there [go figure, my uterus NEVER wants to behave] and Derek and I started talking about how we most certainly about to get sent home. I was dilated to 1cm and 60% effaced which wasn't much of a change from my appointment last week. After a while the nurse came in and looked over the print-out from the monitor. She wasn't impressed with the contractions [and neither were we] but she was concerned about Cohen's fetal monitor strip. Each time I had a contraction, Cohen's heart rate would drop significantly. It wasn't the fact that it dropped that was concerning but WHEN it dropped [after the contraction instead of during it]. There is certain criteria that the fetal print-out has to meet in order for patients to be sent home and our information didn't meet the criteria to go home. The nurse said that the strip was 'concerning' but not 'worrysome' which, of course, left me worrying like crazy. They called Dr. H to see what he thought about the situation and he came over to the hospital to talk with us and do an ultrasound to see if he could figure out what was going on. The ultrasound didn't help us much - we couldn't see where the cord was [and the suspicion was that it was pinned between his skull and my pelvis] but we did see that Cohen was not nearly as active as he normally was and seemed to be staying in a 'sleep cycle' despite being poke, prodded, and having loud noises played up against my tummy. Dr. H explained that while he didn't feel like we needed to deliver right that moment but that baby was definitely sending the message that he wanted out sooner rather than later and that meant inducing my labor right away.

Hospital bling...

The infamous 'strip' that started it all...

At 7pm we were admitted to the hospital and moved into room 428, two door down from where I delivered Addison. Once we got settled the nurse came in and started my IV and started my Pitocin drip. I started having more regular, stronger contractions around 10pm but Cohen's heart rate dropped several times and set off all the alarms on the monitors so they backed off the Pitocin drip for several hours. Derek and I tried to get some sleep over night but with the nurse checking my vitals every 30 minutes and being hooked up to an IV and having to pee every hour or so, sleep was kind of a joke. As the night progressed, the nurse continued to increase my Pitocin dose because my contractions kept petering off and stalling out. At 5am the contractions started to get a lot more intense - enough that I couldn't play Scramble with Friends during one [that's how we measure contractions around here...] They were really strong but not unbearable and I wanted to go as long as I could before getting my epidural because when I had Addison the epidural caused my labor to stall out. Dr. H came in at 7am to check me - I was dilated to a whopping 2 cm and 80% effaced. He opted to break my water to get things rolling. My water broke on it's own with Addison so I didn't realize what I was in for during that procedure. I think I about crawled out the top of the bed while breaking Derek's hands - it was horrifically painful. After that, the contractions started coming A LOT stronger, longer, and closer together and I was left crying and hanging on to the bed rail begging for the epidural. My heroics of waiting for labor to progress further went right out the window and thankfully we didn't have to wait too long for the anesthesiologist to get there and get started. At 8am they started the epidural and I finally got some relief from the pain. I was way more comfortable afterward and was able to play on Facebook, play Words, and text friends while we were waiting and chatting with our nurses. At 10:30 I told the nurse that I was feeling some pressure with each contraction and she decided to check me - I was dilated to 8 cm and almost completely effaced. I was surprised that things went so fast after breaking my water and finally had hope that we were going to have a normal delivery and not a c-section. We thought it'd be another hour or so before it was time to push but 20 minutes later I was feeling more pressure and when the nurse checked me she said it was time to go. They broke down the room and got ready and some time around 11am Dr. H arrived and I started to push. It took 6 or 7 contractions worth of pushing to deliver Cohen - almost twice as long as it took with Addison and by the time he was born at 11:20am, I was EXHAUSTED. I don't know how women push for hours on end - I would most certainly die or pass out if that was the case!

Cohen Jeffrey Tweedy was born at 11:20am on Wednesday, April 25th 2012. He weighed 6 lbs. 14 oz [EXACTLY the same weight as his sister] and was 20 inches long.

Our first seconds as new parents...

Streeeeetch!!!

He's giving the nurse the side-eye for taking his vitals...

All bundled up...

Proud Papa...

My new little man...

 

Sleeping like a baby...

He looks too little to be in this giant car seat!!

Getting ready to head home...

Recovery and Postpartum...

Delivery is hard... I don't think that is any big surprise. However, delivering Cohen was significantly more difficult that delivering Addison, despite them being the same size. It took me almost twice as long to push him out and I feel like the aftermath of his birth was harder on my body this time around. I'm almost 100% convinced that my tailbone is severely bruised and I wouldn't be surprised at all if someone told me it was actually broken - the pain that I feel every time I sit down or bend over is excruciating. Add to that the joy of an episiotomy and you can imagine that my girl parts have seen better days. One thing that was much different with Cohen is that after delivery I was totally unable to pee due to the massive swelling. When Dr came to check on me I was sitting on the potty crying because I was in such pain from trying to pee. He sent for a nurse to re-insert a catheter and drain my bladder. Placing the catheter was almost as painful as the contractions I was feeling after Dr broke my water - it was horrible. Once they got it in, they drained 1600 ml of pee out of my bladder (FYI - that's almost a 2 liter)... the nurse said that with that amount of fluid my bladder had been the size of a newborn. No wonder it hurt like hell! The catheter was left in overnight and ended up being a lifesaver. When they removed it the next morning I was able to pee without any pain (hallelujah!).

The only thing that we left behind at the hospital that made me sad was the nurses. We were blessed (again) to have some of the most wonderful nurses that I've ever met. Some were new to us - Christa, Becky, Jamie, and Pat... and one was dear to our hearts from when we had Addison - Carla. They made the difference in everything - from finding out that things weren't ideal with Cohen's vitals and the stress and tears that followed that, to the painful contractions, and right on through delivery.

I'm just thankful that, despite all the challenges of this pregnancy and birth, this little man is healthy, happy, and sweeter than we ever could have hoped for... Now my new challenge will be to learn how to be a parent of two little munchkins =] I'm sure there will never be a dull moment...

Bittersweet...

Today I had a moment... I'm not sure if it was a result of pregnancy hormones or just the sheer realization of how drastically our lives are about to change but it hit me like a ton of bricks.

In the face.

Hard.

In a very short while, Addison will no longer be my only baby. She will always be my baby girl, my first love... but she won't be my only love anymore. Very soon there will be another little love in our lives, with his own charm and personality and Addison will no longer be the sole focus of my motherly affection. I feel like somehow, I'm about to 'cheat' on my baby girl.

I'm not sure why that realization brought tears to my eyes today [and again as I'm writing this] - I am thrilled that we are having Cohen and knowing that Addison will have a sibling by her side no matter what life throws at her is the best gift I can give her as a parent. But just as I had to mourn the life we had before we became parents and put the fancy dinners and shopping sprees and vacations aside for mac-n-cheese and Gymboree and trips to the park, I have to mourn the fact that I will never again be 'just Addison's mommy'.

We went to the park after daycare to play for a bit while the carpets were drying and I watched her run and climb and slide and play and it really sunk in. I will be a mommy of two very soon - two sets of needs to balance, two opinions to weigh, two tiny people will be vying for my attention - and I will have to share it. Cohen will never know what it's like to be the 'only one' - he will always have had to share us with his sister. But Addison will know, and once Cohen arrives her life is going to be thrown into upheaval - a different schedule, shared attention... things that I never dealt with as an only child and have no way of preparing her for. I realize that in the long run, she won't remember this time before Cohen - when she looks back at her life it will seem like he has always been there. Maybe that is the part that I'm mourning - that she won't remember this special time, these past two years where it's just been the three of us even though the memories we have from the last two years are some of the most special and dear to my heart. Maybe it's the fact that she will no longer be the baby - that Cohen will take that role and that somehow we're 'replacing' her. I don't know...

As I'm writing this, I'm frustrated because I can't put words together to explain how or why this hurts my heart so much - part of me feels like a terrible parent for being sad at a time when I should be nothing but excited and anxious, part of me feels like admitting this makes me a bad mother and that people are going to read this post and think less of me, and part of me just feels heartbroken and lost for words.  But most of me - all of me - wishes I could freeze time for just a few moments and memorize these last few days... just like I did when she was a newborn and I swore I'd never forget how tiny she felt in my arms or how her little foot fit just along the inside of my thumb... but I can't remember how tiny she felt. And I'm scared that I will lose this special bond that we have and the thought of losing that terrifies me more than anything on this planet.

My big girl can climb like a pro...

She was taking my order at the drive up window...

One of our last days as the dynamic duo... <3

They're back...

Hormones.

And not just your 'run-of-the-mill pregnancy hormones'... nope, these are nine months pregnant crazy hormones. They're the ones that bring on the nesting that leaves you scrubbing the tracks in the shower door, that has you crawling around dusting the molding around the house... and the ones that make you bat-shit crazy over NOTHING. Yup, those ones.

I had a really good day - I got my hair cut and colored, got my eyebrows waxed, my toes are all beautiful and polished, I registered for baby stuff at Target, had lunch somewhere other than my kitchen counter, and even managed to get my car reasonably clean. My house is clean, my laundry is done, I'm off my icky meds, my kid gave me good lovies before bed... I *should* be flying high. But, alas, I am not.

I'm sad. I'm lonely. I'm uncomfortable. I'm anxious.

The reason these hormones are so stupid is that they screw up your brain so much that you don't even know what's wrong or you're mad about things that haven't even happened [that could also be part of the definition of crazy... but we won't go there right now.] I'm sad. Why? Hell if I know. I want a hug... and not just any hug but a good, long husband hug. I know I'm shaped disproportionately right now and giving me a hug is probably not the easiest thing but I miss hugs. I think I've had two in recent memory =[ I'm lonely... which makes me sad. Double whammy. I've been alone in this house for two months. Even when people were here, I was pretty much quarantined off to the back of the house. So even though the introvert in me liked doing all my errands alone today, it also pointed out that I was doing all of my errands... alone. Then I came home and, after a quick dinner and episode of Tosh.0, I was in the bathtub - alone. Not that I wanted company IN the tub but it was just something else to do alone. But you have to understand where the 'crazy hormone' part comes in... after I was out of the tub and laying in bed, Derek asked me if I wanted to sit in the TV room and watch a show or if I wanted him to watch the M's in the bedroom while I played on the computer - and because I'm [crazy, stubborn, pregnant... who knows] I tried to pretend that I was okay sitting in here alone. I guess it's not just being in the same room but I want to DO something - hang up Cohen's name letters or the curtain rod, go on a date [I would kill for a real, dress up, reservations-required pre-baby date], anything but sitting in front of this stupid TV or this stupid computer for another night. I tried to hint that we should go out but so far I think it's fallen on deaf ears...

Uncomfortable? Anxious? I'm sure that neither of these two feelings are surprising. I have a human living in my stomach. A human that is now capable of living outside, on his own. That means he's big, he moves A LOT, and he has incredibly boney knees. If it's not a butt shoved up into my rib cage it's a knee or foot or elbow [literally] sticking out of my side. And if it's not him, it's contractions. I'm thrilled to be off my medicine but let me tell you, these suckers are just getting started and I am visualizing two [or more] weeks of feeling like an iron band is clamping around my torso and sucking the life out of me. Anxious? I want to have a baby. NOW. I'm done being pregnant. I HATE being pregnant... I'm not one of those happy, warm-fuzzy women who knits blankets and sings lullabies during her pregnancy. I suffer through this because the end result is a tiny person that I love more than I could have ever imagined. But if a real, live stork could have dropped these munchkins off on the porch, I wouldn't have complained a bit. I keep willing my contractions to be strong or praying for my water to break so we can just be done with this part... but I know that I have weeks of this ahead of me, not hours or days.

I don't have a point to this post... aside from whining about my incredibly difficult life [sarcasm] and documenting exactly how crazy I get after nine months of pregnancy... =[ Can we please be done now??

MIA

I should take this as a sign of good faith that we don't have much longer to wait... but I miss my boney little ankles. ::sigh::

36 Weeks...

 

Go figure... for our last picture she was in a bad mood and wouldn't hold the sign... ::sigh:: toddlers...

How far along? 36 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: Pre-pregnancy I was 117... today I'm 155. That was my goal to not go over... but it looks like that's out the window. I'm retaining so much freaking water now that I think I could probably ring out my feet and lose ten pounds.

Maternity clothes? Yes, but I live in sweats now so it's more of comfy/cozy than maternity.

Stretch marks? All my old friends are back... I'm ready for their going away party already.

Sleep: What is sleep? Ugh. I can't get comfortable, I have to pee ten times a night, I wake up with contractions, back pain, and tummy pain all throughout the night, and I don't get tired until after midnight. But, our schedule is about to get even more wonky once baby gets here so I guess I shouldn't complain. 

Best moment this month: Two things - seeing the nursery really start coming together and having my best friend here for a couple of days during the week to keep me company. This last week has actually gone by pretty quickly and [thankfully] it's my last week in bed. 

Movement: Not the same acrobatics that we've been seeing in previous months because now he's stuck in head-down position but when  he moves his legs I can see feet or knees moving across my tummy. He's big enough now that movement is really uncomfortable and sometimes even hurts... and he's become fond of headbutting my cervix which is horrifically painful!

Gender: BOY!!!

Labor Signs: Nothing that we haven't been dealing with for the past few months - frequent contractions despite the medication. I've pretty much come to the conclusion that unless my water breaks or I start having hard labor contractions, we won't know if we're looking at 'labor signs'.

Belly Button in or out? Flat... it's starting to look a little stressed out...

What I miss: Everything... clothes, feeling like I look okay, wine, cleaning, work, being able to play with Addison, sleeping through the night, yard work... really, truly, everything...

What I am looking forward to: Well, obviously I'm looking forward to meeting this little guy... but I'm also excited to have my big day out on the 17th - eyebrow wax, hair appointment, pedicure...

Monthly Wisdom: The last month feels like it lasts FOREVER... but there is an end in sight...  

Milestones: NO MORE BED REST!!!!!

35 weeks...

Omigosh... is it true? Can it be? Does this awful stint of bed rest really have an end in sight??

I went in for my weekly appointment with Dr. H today, waited in the waiting room for an hour, got called back, peed in the cup, heaved myself onto the scale, and got naked for my exam. Just as he was grabbing my file outside the door (yes, I was eavesdropping) he got a page and had to rush off for an emergency c-section. The nurse came in and told me that he wouldn't be able to see me until 1 o'clock, which gave me a hour of down time. There wasn't enough time to go home, make lunch, and get back to the office, so I did what any rational pregnant woman would do... I went to Olive Garden for lunch. I took my book, nestled into a corner table and proceeded to eat and read to my hearts content.

Anyway, enough talk of soup and breadsticks... The verdict from my appointment is as follows:
- I'm still not dilated past a fingertip (YAY!!)
- Strep B test was negative (YAY!!)
- Cohen is head down, right where he is supposed to be (YAY!!)
- I will be 36 weeks on Monday and released from bed rest (YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!)
- However, I am to continue my medication routine until Thrusday (Boo.)
- I am allowed to have this baby at any point after week 36, so we're almost in the green zone!! (YAYAYAY!!)

Once I'm free of this bed rest crap, I'm essentially allowed to go back to normal-ish activities. Basically, I can do a little bit each day as long as I continue to spend most of the day resting. So, while I probably won't be getting any yard work done, I do expect to get my house back in tip-top shape (my OCD-ness is going insane after not cleaning for the past several weeks). Derek has done a good job keeping it picked up but it needs a stem to stern scrubbing (that would be the pregnant, nesting hormones talking...) so that once this baby decides to come I don't have to worry about coming home to heaps of laundry, garbage overflowing, or (heaven forbid) crumbs on my counters.

So... please set your countdown clocks so we can all celebrate on Monday... and watch, when the day comes, I'll probably be so tired I will still stay in bed all day!

Now I'm going to scream... or cry... or take a nap...

I'm sick of preterm labor. Really, REALLY sick of it... and in the last few days I have come to the conclusion that the only real difference between preterm labor and 'real' labor is that preterm labor is pointless. It doesn't get you any closer to having a baby in your arms but it still hurts like hell, makes you miserable, and makes you want to kill yourself several times a day. I'm having a very hard time grasping the fact that there are WEEKS of this ahead of us... and I'm having an even harder time comprehending that somehow I have to make it through without losing my sanity.

Monday. Everything bad happens on Mondays right? Monday morning at about 4:30 my contractions woke me up. Up until that point, getting to sleep was always my way of getting rid of the nasty little buggers... if I could fall asleep (HA!) then they wouldn't bother me. Not anymore. Monday morning they woke me up and I tossed and turned and writhed until my 8am med dose. My back cramped up, my tummy was as hard as a rock, and it HURT. They came off and on again like that throughout the day... I didn't get up to shower... I barely got up to make food - I just laid there... allllll day. Then, yesterday, they woke me up again... at 3am. I took an early dose of my meds at 4am and suffered through most of the morning. By about 8pm last night I was regretting not going to the hospital but was also too stubborn to ask to go in - a night trip to the hospital is a MAJOR hassle. Derek gets zero sleep and has to go to work in the morning, we have to call his parents to come stay at our house to avoid dragging a groggy two-year old to the ER in the middle of the night and THEY have to get up and work in the morning, not to mention... it's always the same story. "Yup, you're having a ton of contractions. Nope, you're not dilating. Go home and suffer until something else changes." Not exactly how I want to spend my night so  I figured if I could tough it out until my appointment this afternoon then maybe we could get some answers. I got a few hours sleep last night before they woke me up at 3:30 again. I grumbled and tossed and turned and at 8:30 I called Dr. H's office to see if they could get me in earlier in the day - just on the off chance that they might be able to offer some magical cure that they had been holding out on. They couldn't get me in but told me to go to L&D for observations [Oh. Joy.]. So, I packed myself into the car and drove my big to the hospital for another engaging round of 'count the contractions' and 'poke Stefani in the cervix'.

The end result... yup, you guessed it. "You're having a lot of contractions but we can't increase your medications any more. Thankfully, you aren't dilating yet. Try a warm bath or a hot pack and see if that helps [insert me resisting to throat punch the nurse] and come back if anything changes." FML.

Things about this situation that make me angry...

1. Um, I'm miserable. Not 'can't walk, can't talk' contractions miserable... but 'leave me the f*** alone' miserable. Which, after two weeks, seems like about the same thing.

2. I don't buy into the whole, "Not dilating so we're safe" idea since my water broke with Addison when I was barely dilated to 1 cm. But whatever, no one listens to me.

3. I can't sleep. I lay down at 9pm... toss and turn [andtossandturnandtossandturn] until about 1 or 2am and fall asleep until 3:30 or 4am when the contractions get bad. I take my meds, go pee, and toss and turn for the next four hours until I can take my meds again and Derek leaves for work. Then, I take over the bed and, if I'm lucky, get another hour or two of decent rest.

4. I *HATE* going in to the hospital all the time. No matter how many doctors and nurses explain that they'd rather have me there every day than have a preterm baby [and I agree] - I can't stand the look from the snooty ER check-in staff when I show up and check in. Not to mention, leaving L&D while still pregnant is like taking the walk of shame. Don't ask me why, it just is.

So... I know that if I go back and look at blog posts from early September of 2009, I probably vented these same things and I know that [to the rest of the world] a few more weeks isn't going to kill me [we'll see]. But I can tell you that right now - I'm exhausted, I'm uncomfortable [understatement of the decade], I'm frustrated, and I want to scream and cry and bang my head against the wall until this baby decides to be born. The only thing keeping me from doing that is the fact that I know this little guy isn't ready yet and no matter how awful this is, it doesn't compare to how awful it would be for him to be born too early. So my mommy instinct is keeping me from doing fifty-thousand jumping jacks and trying to send myself into labor.

So, since I was there alone, I did what I do best. I took random pictures so all my friends and family can experience this magical time with me. Don't worry, I didn't include any pics of my butt hanging out of my hospital gown on the way to the potty... that sad sight is reserved for my poor husband.

Ahem...

Dear Cohen,

We have apparently reached the point in this pregnancy where we need to have a little mommy-to-son chat... You are now big enough and strong enough that practicing your ninja skills in mommy's tummy HURTS. I should also mention that those are my ribs your are banging on at night, and despite your best efforts, they aren't going anywhere. I do realize that you're running out of room in there and I promise in a few short weeks you can come out and impress the rest of the world with your acrobatics but for now... take it easy on mama, please! Love you little monkey...

Mama

Again... and again...

I'm starting a collection of hospital bracelets and I got to add another one today.

I felt icky this morning and after I took my 8am meds I went back to bed until almost noon. When I finally got up to pee at noon, [TMI alert] I noticed that I was spotting a tiny bit. My instructions from Dr. H have been pretty consistent - if the contractions change (get closer, more painful, or feel 'different'), if I have any spotting, or if anything else changes I am to proceed directly to the hospital because we have no way of knowing when this baby means business. I called Derek and he came home and and we ventured off [once again] to the hospital. The nurse checked my cervix which is thankfully still holding strong and hooked me up to the fetal monitor. Cohen was a happy camper, per his usual and James Dean was angry [per the usual]. Dr. H said as long as my cervix was still sealed up I was okay to go home as long as I see him tomorrow.

So... we make it through another day... I guess that's all we can ask for at this point.

God, grant me the serenity...

to accept the things I cannot change;

the power to change the things I can;

and the wisdom to know the difference today.

Once upon a time, way back in TTC land, I swore that IF Derek and I were able to get pregnant that I wouldn't complain about anything - no matter how bad it was - because I was going to be so thankful for the chance to have a baby. I broke my promise. I can't not complain... I don't want to but I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't... So this is going to be a whiny, woe-is-me post... but you've been warned. 

One of my closest friends had her baby last night and it brought up loads of emotions for me - excitement, happiness, anxiety, and... jealousy. I laid awake most of the night thinking [and dealing with contractions and a killer backache] about how ready I am to be DONE. I realize that Cohen isn't ready yet and that me being uncomfortable for a few more weeks is a small price to pay for a healthy baby... but still, uncomfortable doesn't even begin to sum it all up. Most of the day I'm having contractions at least every 7 minutes and in the evening it's almost always every 3 minutes. They hurt, they make my back cramp up, and they make it impossible to fall asleep or even get comfortable enough to just lie there and rest. My meds, while I'm sure they are doing wonders, make me shaky and light-headed, cause me to feel flushed for the first hour after my dose, and give me raging headaches... I'm weak from lying around doing nothing for weeks on end to the point where standing up long enough to take a shower is getting exhausting. I have to choose between eating and drinking enough water because my stomach is so smooshed that it can't handle both - so I either drink my water and get yelled at for not eating enough, or I eat and get yelled at for not drinking enough. 

On top of being physically miserable, I'm mentally spent... I want to be cleaning [nesting has kicked in big time] and I can't do anything. The nursery isn't ready, the house is... gross, laundry is piling up, our bathroom smells like man-smell, my car is a disaster, the yard has five wind storms worth of crap blowing around in it, and the list goes on. By the time I'm off super-strict bed rest and allowed to at least exist in my house, I'll be nine months pregnant... and cleaning toilets and bathtubs at that point is going to be a total circus. Nesting isn't my only problem... I just feel... I don't know... sad? lonely? I lie here in an empty house all day and even if I open up the window, I only get to look at a fence [and sometimes our cat who stands on the doghouse and yowls at me]. Sure, I get to watch my TV shows and could be reading a book or working on lesson plans but I just don't want to. All the things I want to be doing are off limits - it's like being grounded. 

On top of all that, I just want to meet this little guy - I don't have the intense fear of labor that I had with Addison that helped me stave of the desire to head to the hospital. I'm ready, I want to hold him and love on him, I want my family to be here, I want to start living our life as a little family of four. I realize that a few more weeks is nothing and that he'll be here and life will be wonderful... but if you've ever been pregnant you'll understand that time slows down to a snails pace during the last few weeks and days feel like months... and a month feels like eternity. So I'm having trouble grappling at two and a half more weeks in this bed, in this room... 

So please forgive me for wallowing in self-pity, I do realize that things could be exponentially worse... but I'm ready and I just wish that this kiddo was ready too.

More of the same...

I promise... I won't post an update every time I go to the doctor.. because that would be, like, a lot of posts.

But I just got home from today's appointment and it was just more of the same - 50-60% effaced (which he hadn't told me before) and a 'fingertip' dilated. Contractions are holding pretty steady - I haven't been timing them, because let's face it, I have far more exciting things to do with my time than lay here and count how many times I'm in pain in an hour... but if I were guesstamating, I'd say we're holding pretty solid at every five minutes or so - sometimes they're worse and sometimes they're better... but they are always there. So... we are at 33 weeks today - which mean three more weeks of 'strict bedrest'. After that, I will at least have permission to be out in the recliner or on the couch at my in-laws house until this bebe decides to make his appearance.

So... I guess I'll be Pinteresting my heart out, catching up on Vampire Diaries, starting my new novel, and (if I'm feeling productive) writing some grammar units for next year.

Dear James Dean... You suck.

Consider this my first piece of hate mail directed at my uterus. Just like it's moniker - it's reckless, has no respect for the rules or authority, and continues to break all the rules.

I just got home from my doctor appointment and I'm in a sad/mad/scaredasallhell mood. I'll try to make this the short version because I'm sure you all don't want to hear detailed descriptions of pelvic exams and cervical status updates. Got in the car this morning and headed for Dr. H's office, started having contractions, had PLENTY of time in the waiting room to time them, 4-5 minutes apart, only about 30 seconds long, and only uncomfortable [versus the painful ones that landed us in the hospital the other night]. Peed in the cup, hopped (ha!) on the scale, and waited for Dr.'s words of wisdom. Here they be...

1. I'm taking the maximum dose of Nifedipine for someone my size, 20 mg. every 4 hours. It's also a blood pressure medicine so taking any more isn't in my best interest... blood pressure today was 96/54. It's the most effective medicine I can take at home - the others have more icky side effects and don't work as well. So, we stick with it.

2. I'm dilated to a fingertip [TMI for some of you I know... but I won't describe more than that. You're welcome.] I've been this way since 29 weeks and thankfully the contractions have not moved things along any more in that regard. However, if things DO start to change - my butt lands itself in the very crowded hospital for the next three weeks.

3. I get [read: have] to see Dr. H twice a week to be checked now - Mondays and Fridays. So those are the days I will be the grumpiest. Feel free to send chocolate and sparkly things.

4. He's letting me stay home and in bed because the hospital is SO crowded and we both agreed I would be way more comfortable here - that being said, any time things change [get more frequent, more painful, etc.] we go to the hospital because the old rule of, "When contractions are every three minutes and a minute long" went out the window for us the other day. So now it's, "When they're worse than normal."

5. If Cohen were to be born this week, he'd be roughly 3 1/2 to 4 pounds and would likely spend a month in NICU. If we make it to 34 weeks, it'd be two weeks in the hospital. At 36, he could likely go home with us after a few days. So, obviously, we're doing whatever we can to make it as far as we can - and if that means my butt lands in the hospital, as much as I dread that thought of it, so be it.

So, if you haven't guessed, I'm back in bed with my remote, phone, a stack of books and magazines, the loaded DVR, and a gallon of water at my disposal... and this is where you'll be able to find me for the foreseeable future...

I'm renaming my uterus...

we shall now refer to it as 'James Dean' because it has proven time and time again, that it is a rebel without a cause.

Yesterday when I got home from picking Addison up from daycare I started noticing contractions that were strong enough and regular enough that I started timing them. Between 4pm and when Derek got home just after 5, the contractions were coming about every 4 minutes. I quit timing them while we were getting Addison ready for bed and watching our show but around 7:30 they were coming close together and really strong so we went back to timing again. Over the next hour they came almost like clockwork every 3 minutes and got a bit stronger. Around 8:45 we made the call to go in to the hospital and when Derek's parents arrive at 9:15 we were out the door. They hooked me up to the monitors when we got there an confirmed that I was contracting about every 3 minutes and at their peak, for about an hour or so before they finally gave me some drugs, they were lasting a minute each time. Thankfully, Cohen was rolling around and kicking up a storm, proving that just like his sister, he is immune to what is going on in the outside world. Around midnight I was given a shot [same one I got three weeks ago] to stop the contractions. It slowed them down a little, they decreased in intensity and were coming every 4 minutes but still keeping up a pattern. The doctor had me take a double dose of my Nifedipine [the drug I'm taking at home every four hours] and admitted me for the night. They moved us to a private room [THANK GOD] and left us alone to 'sleep'. Between me having contractions and having to pee every 30 minutes because of the gallon and a half of water I had to drink and Derek being forced to sleep on a squeaky, uncomfortable couch I don't think either one of us got more than an hour's rest. The medicine did kick in and by about 3:30 the contractions had died down. At 4:30 the nurse came in and asked if we would rather be discharged and go home or be moved back to a shared room because they were out of beds and had women coming in at 6am for inductions/c-sections. We opted to get out of there and come home to our own bed [which never felt so heavenly]. Now, I'm stuck in bed - literally not allowed to get up except to pee and make some food for lunch. I will go in to see Dr. H tomorrow and see what our plan is from here on out. I'm having a really hard time wrapping my head around spending four weeks IN THIS BED. In the house was bad enough, but it allowed some freedom... but in bed. All day. Every day. Alone. Ugh... Not my favorite idea. 

That being said - I will happily do it because the fear of having this baby eight weeks early is enough to make me do just about anything. They have all these terrifying statistics on the bathroom door (which I spent a lot of time looking at last night) about what can happen when babies are born before full term. I can't remember all of them but the list included: increased risk of SIDS, behavioral problems in childhood, lung development problems, the brain only being 2/3 of it's full size, etc. Basically, it's a list of all the things you never want your baby to deal with. So please understand that while I'm complaining on here and whining - I DO realize this is what needs to happen and my top priority is to make sure this baby stays put as long as possible. I'm just not a fan of the process....

It's not that I'm surprised by preterm labor - I dealt with it with Addison and went though much of the same drama with her that we are experiencing this time around. Late night hospital visits, bed rest, miserable medications, contractions... the list goes on. It's that I'm so incredibly irritated by it this time. Last time it was just plain scary [and please don't get me wrong, it's terrifying this time around too... especially because it's far worse this time] but now it's also incredibly inconvenient. I'm supposed to be working - I left work a full two months before I had anticipated. I walked in one morning fully planning on teaching and walked out twenty minutes later worried that I was in labor. Thankfully it was only contractions and not active labor. That was it - no goodbye to my kids or coworkers, no organizing things for my sub, nada. Just out the door and done in under thirty minutes. I'm also supposed to be being a mommy. It is heartbreaking to not get to pick up my baby girl when she's upset or tired and just carry her, to not be able to play with her after daycare or take her to the park. She wants to play outside in her car everyday when I bring her home and I feel terrible that we can't because I have to go and sit in the recliner and let her watch TV... because THAT is the only thing I can do with my daughter anymore. Then, as icing on the cake last night, we had to call Derek's parents at 9pm to drive out from Zillah so we could let Addison sleep while we went to the hospital and they were stuck at our house until 5:15 this morning. None of us got any sleep, but Derek and both his parents had to go to work on just a few hours rest and that makes me feel terrible too.

So... I'm here, in bed with Facebook and Pinterest to keep me company and a season's worth of Vampire Diaries on the DVR... I'm sure you'll be hearing from me on here a lot now... my computer is the only person I have to talk to during the day. =[

I realize it's asking a lot James Dean, but please behave yourself a bit longer. 

32 Weeks...

 

 [and Mommy is the size of a hippo]

How far along? 32 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: Hopped on the scale this morning... 148.5. I'm holding on to this side of 150 for as long as I can.

Maternity clothes? Yes, but I live in sweats now so it's more of comfy/cozy than maternity.

Stretch marks? All my old friends are back... I'm ready for their going away party already.

Sleep: I miss sleep. I try to go to bed at a reasonable hour but Cohen gets all wonky as soon as I lie down and keeps me away until at least midnight. I sleep for a few hours, toss and turn, get up to pee, get Addison ready for daycare, and then - after Derek goes to work sometimes I can get another hour or two in. But I'm tired. All. The. Time. 

Best moment this month: Listening to Addison's comments about her baby brother... every once in a while she'll just say something like,  "Mommy, that's for brother..." it makes me happy to hear her talk about him. 

Movement: Every day... I can watch my entire stomach shift from one side to the other as he roles around. If he pushes against my side I can tickle his little feet =] He's still turning pretty regularly, so he's not stuck in 'head down' position yet...

Gender: BOY!!!

Labor Signs: Ugh. Went to work on 2/21 and was there for about ten minutes before I lost a bunch of fluid at once (ick). Called the hospital and was told to come in right away... found out that the fluid was no big deal (no amniotic fluid present) but while I was hooked up to the monitor I was having contractions every three minutes. Dr. H came in and told me that was a no-no and declared bed rest and a high dose of ibuprofen. I was given a shot to stop the contractions that made me feel like awful. Went home and took the pills and a nap and woke up to more contractions. The next day I was put on the same medication I took with Addison for contractions. It seems to have them under control but they are far from gone. So, now it's bed rest and medication until week 36 and then 'limited activity' until baby arrives. Good times. My uterus totally knows how to be hospitable.

Belly Button in or out? Flat. It looks retarded.

What I miss: Sleeping on my stomach, putting on socks without dying, wine, cute clothes. Pretty much everything at this point.

What I am looking forward to: Week 36... then I'm off medications and bed rest and can do stuff around the house without getting yelled at.

Monthly Wisdom: When all else fails, cook something amazing for dinner. It makes you feel better about life.

Milestones: Got the changing table refinished and in the nursery which means I can start forcing Derek to decorate.

28 Weeks

 Notice... my belly now officially sticks out farther than my boobs ::sigh::

How far along? 28 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: I weighed myself over the weekend and I'm around 145... there has been a big jump on the scale in the last month and I'm not loving it... at all.
Maternity clothes? Yup, pretty much everything has a stretchy waist now...
Stretch marks? No new ones but I'm starting to see some of my old ones coming back... oh joy. And don't get me started on cellulite. I can't wait to start working out... I hate being fat. :/
Sleep: As long as I have my giant preggie pillow, I'm okay... but without it, life is miserable.
Best moment this week: Eating cookie dough and then feeling Cohen do a dance... this kid will be a cookie monster like his daddy...
Movement: Kicks, punches, flips, somersaults, and barrel rolls on a daily basis, although I still think this little guy is less active than Addison was...
Gender: BOY!!!
Labor Signs: Braxton-Hicks still driving me nuts but with a TON of water (read: 3 liters) and minimal activity, I'm managing to keep them under control
Belly Button in or out? In... but barely...
What I miss: Being able to do stuff :/ I want to work out, or clean house... hell, I'd settle for putting on my socks without struggling.
What I am looking forward to: The end. Seriously. I'm ready now...
Weekly Wisdom: Naps are miraculous. Never say no to naps...
Milestones:We made it to the 3rd trimester and I'm not on bed rest!!

Bedrest.

Why is it that I don't realize how much I want to be at work until my doctor tells me that I may not be able to go? =[ I went in for my 6 month appointment today and confessed that I'm still having contractions 5-6 times an hour most days (but not all day long) and Dr. H said that is right at the brink of 'unsafe'. Right now it's up to me if I want to continue working but I have to find a way to stay completely off my feet while I'm there which is proving to be impossible... I'm up and down grabbing things off the printer, getting things out of the inbox, and running to the bathroom fifty times a day... I already have students in charge of handing out and collecting papers and running errands as much as I can. Derek has put me on bed rest as soon as I get home but in reality I have an hour an a half alone with a toddler every afternoon. As much as I try, this child requires chasing. She doesn't really adhere to the 'sit and hang out' philosophy that everyone is wanting me to follow...

The verdict... I have two weeks until my next appointment and in that two weeks I have to find a way to reduce the number of contractions I'm having or I'm done at work. Financially, that sucks but thankfully we have salary insurance that will cover some of it. Emotionally, it sucks because even though I complain about work most days, I really want to be there and the thought of abandoning my kids already makes me teary eyed. I know they'll do fine without me but they're my responsibility and I want to be there for them as long as I can...

Why can't my uterus just play fair just this one time????

24 Weeks...

How far along? 24 weeks... only three months to go!!
Total weight gain/loss: The scale this morning read 139.5... and I'm hanging on to this side of 140 as long as I can... That puts me up a total of 22 pounds. On a positive note, that is TEN pounds less than I was at this point with Addison! YAY!
Maternity clothes? Yup, pretty much everything has a stretchy waist now...
Stretch marks? No new ones but I'm starting to see some of my old ones coming back... oh joy.
Sleep: I'm always tired but I'm getting to the point where it's tough to get comfortable... it's about time to dig out the preggie pillow.
Best moment this week: Not really from this week but finding out the gender has been the highlight of the month =] and the shopping spree that followed...
Movement: Lots of kicks throughout the day and I can watch my tummy bounce around. He still hasn't kicked Derek's hand yet - my offspring don't like to cooperate in that department.
Gender: BOY!!!
Labor Signs: Braxton-Hicks contractions every day, one trip to L&D so far with instructions to 'take it easy' and 'reduce my workload'... whatever that means.  
Belly Button in or out? In... but shallow.
What I miss: My cute, skinny clothes...
What I am looking forward to: Mom and dad coming to visit in a couple weeks!!
Weekly Wisdom: 100 ounces of water is A LOT... 100 ounces of pee feels like even more. :/
Milestones: Announced our name for baby boy... Cohen Jeffery...

20 Week Update

I can't believe how much faster this pregnancy is going - I feel like I JUST did my 16 week update and now I'm back again!

How far along? 20 weeks... halfway there!!
Total weight gain/loss: The scale this morning read 133.3... so, I'm up 16 pounds. I wish I had a scale that could weigh my boobs... because I'm sure 8 pounds or so is resting in my bra.
Maternity clothes? Yeah, some. Bella Band is allowing me to stay in my fat jeans for a bit longer...
Stretch marks? No new ones but I'm starting to see some of my old ones coming back... oh joy.
Sleep: Love it. Can't get enough of it. Being home for Christmas break has allowed me nap time when Addison naps and I very much enjoy that...
Best moment this week: Making hand print Christmas trees with Addison and giggling with her while I was painting her hands.
Movement: Yes, feeling kicks pretty much every day now. Still can't feel them from the outside though...
Gender: Still thinking girl... which pretty much means boy. We did the Chinese gender prediction chart thingy and one said boy while another said girl... the wedding ring test says girl... EVERYONE else in the world is voting boy. We'll see on Tuesday.
Labor Signs: Braxton-Hicks contractions every day 
Belly Button in or out? In... but shallow.
What I miss: This time of year, I miss being able to have a cocktail with friends to celebrate the holidays.
What I am looking forward to: Finding out if baby is a boy or girl on Tuesday!!!
Weekly Wisdom: There is nothing wrong with spending a day off in your jammies and getting nothing accomplished... sometimes that's the hardest thing to do!
Milestones: Half way there!! Yay!! =]

Bittersweet...

These past few weeks have been pretty hard on me and I haven't really sat down and talked to anyone to vent it out, so I guess I'm going to ramble on the interwebs and see if it can give me any relief...

I should have been having a baby this week. When I got pregnant in the spring, my due date was right around the 15th of December. But I lost the baby and all of those dreams went out the window. [I want to stop right here to explain that I am SO thankful to be pregnant now and that so far, things are going perfectly with this pregnancy and I do realize that there was some reason that the last baby couldn't have been carried to term... so as painful as it was/is, I have come to terms with the miscarriage.] It just so happens that this pregnancy's timeline leaves milestones on some of the most painful dates - We have our big ultrasound in a week and as excited as I am to find out if baby is a boy or a girl, I can't help but think that I would have been cuddling a newborn baby at that time. I'm due on May 10th, five days after the anniversary of the miscarriage and I really, honestly fear delivering on the 5th of May just because that date holds so much pain for me. I guess I just feel like all of the 'biggies' of this pregnancy have a shadow of the lost baby hovering just out of sight...

I think the other factor that is driving all this anxiety is that we are quickly approaching week 21 in this pregnancy - the week when I made my first [of MANY] hospital visit with contractions. My pregnancy with Addison was textbook in the beginning. After week 21, it went to hell in a handbag - contractions, PUPPPS rash, bed rest... oi, the list goes on and on. I know that each pregnancy is different but I only have one to compare it with and it was so scary at the end and the closer we get to that date, the more I worry. The difference now is that I'm at work all day, so if the contractions start I can't just jump in the car and be at the ER in 15 minutes... I'm already running out of sick leave and I haven't even started my bi-weekly or weekly check-ups yet, and I'm HORRIFIED of going into labor at work... early or on time.

I know that this is all out of my control and I'm positive that is the reason that I'm so stressed about it. I hate not having a plan, not being able to know what is going to happen and when... Being pregnant in the summer sucked for a lot of reasons, but at least I was home, comfortable, and less stressed.... now I'm on my feet, with an audience of 25 at all times, uncomfortable, and... well, I work with teenagers, I'm always stressed. I know there is nothing to do except sit back and let it come as it may... but that doesn't make it any easier.

16 Weeks

How far along? 16 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: 131 pounds on the scale this morning... I'm pretty sure 10 of that is in my bra. My boobs are ridiculous right now. Not even kidding. I'm right on track to gain a ridiculous amount of weight again... rock on.
Maternity clothes? Yeah, some. Bella Band is allowing me to stay in my fat jeans for a bit longer...
Stretch marks? Nada...
Sleep: Love it. Can't get enough of it.
Best moment this week: Had a Home Depot employee ask me when I'm due... which means to some people, I look pregnant, not just fat.
Movement: I've had a few questionable thumps and flutters but nothing I can say for sure was baby and not twitches/gas/my imagination...
Gender: Still thinking girl... which pretty much means boy.
Labor Signs: I started having Braxton Hicks in the last week or two...
Belly Button in or out? In
What I miss: Wine. Lots of wine.
What I am looking forward to: Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow with an excuse to eat as much as I want!
Weekly Wisdom: It goes WAY faster the second time around!
Milestones: Month four... almost half way there and finally starting to look pregnant.