Lately, I've been on a rollercoaster of emotions. This juncture of my life is sort of like a crossroads but with a fuckload of fog obscuring every possible path.

The painful truth of an ideal is that you might never attain it. That pain is exquisite; you teeter between knowing that it is unrealistic and wanting it. You acknowledge its existence but push it back into the recesses of your mind.

When you end up falling for someone you never expected to, a different Pandora's box is unlocked. There is a new kind of pain—would your love be reciprocated? Would that be enough? Or would you still yearn longingly for that ideal your mind had crafted and weaved all that time ago?

What if you meet that ideal one day?

What would you do?

I think I've reached that point in my life where I know what I want, but I don't know if you can give it to me.

It makes me cry whenever I think about it, because I want you to be able to.

This pain is so consuming—I just want to drown in it.

It only hurts like this because I love you so much.
 

We were sitting in front of your computer. I had forced you to take some sort of personality test which had a hundred questions, and you were grumbling. Yet, you answered as I read the questions out to you.

"Are you confident, or patient?" I asked.

"Patient," you replied, without missing a beat. "Definitely patient. I do all the waiting for you."

I just grinned at that—because it is true—and clicked the answer.

"Oh, by the way," you suddenly interjected. "I have a present for you."

"Really?" I questioned. It isn't like you to buy something for me if you don't know whether I would absolutely love it. And lately, everything I want is extremely expensive.

You reached over me to pull the drawer out. Taking something out of a small plastic bag, you handed it to me nonchalantly.

It was a sheet of Mamegoma stickers.

And I fell in love with you all over again.

Wow. Has it really been a year?

I just had a lengthy but meaningful conversation with some of the most precious friends I'd met in University. We talk about careers, life and relationships. And I've never been more clear about my idea of love.

Love is such an intangible and irrational concept yet you can feel it prickling your skin. It can encompass you with warmth and infuse your being with a swelling burst of emotion. It makes you happy. But most importantly, it makes you a better person. It reinforces your soul.

Love is not controlling. It's accepting and understanding that your lover is free. It's not oppressive and it's not restrictive. It's realising that whatever your lover does, they're open to making mistakes. And in the end, you'll be there waiting after the tears and the heartbreaks and the pain. Because love is amazing and it forgives. It triumphs.

Love makes you feel like you're not giving up on something you had when you were single. It makes you realise that sharing your life means there will be mutual compromise. But never at the expense of losing yourself and your identity.

Love includes faith in the future, belief in your togetherness and desire in creating new chapters that weave two distinct halves into an imperfect yet beautiful whole. But when that faith turns into blind faith and all that is left is a ghost of that love holding your relationship together, then it is time to open your eyes and emerge from the fog.

There is a thin line; there is a horribly fine boundary that when crossed too many times, even love needs to step away. When too many reasons are given to justify, when deep down you just know something is wrong and a supposed love is masking the destructive hold over you, please be brave enough to walk away.

Because I love you, and I know you love him, but it is not enough to stay. And I can only hope that you would see it one day.

I have a mosquito bite near my left ankle from traipsing around campus at midnight in a dress. It itches so horribly even when I scratch it.

F
11/1/12 4:50 PM
HAHAHA true
11/1/12 4:50 PM
if * sucks for me
11/1/12 4:50 PM
i will cry
11/1/12 4:50 PM
so u must pray for me

Jolene Yeo
11/1/12 4:50 PM
at the start will be difficult
11/1/12 4:50 PM
i pray that when you conquer the threshold of pain
11/1/12 4:50 PM
* will be MINDBLOWING
11/1/12 4:50 PM
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

F
11/1/12 4:51 PM
thank you
11/1/12 4:51 PM
HAHAHHA

I hope this is a surprise to the people who still bother with coming here to read my bullshit ha ha ha! X actually whined and asked me to post more.

I am now in my third year of University. Life has changed tremendously since I've last posted yet it has also remained very much the same.

I now have you, and you've been mainly the reason why I felt no need to chronicle my life anymore. Because now, you're my blog and just like this one, I know you'll always be here for me.

Nevertheless, it feels like there's a hole because my entire second year was not immortalised in words and we all know how lousy my memory is, but basically we spent the first semester drinking and our second one gambling.

So this is just me, letting everyone out there know that life is amazing. Also, it actually feels pretty fucking good to blog again.

My holidays are ending! :(

Despite my parents' initial insistence in wanting me to work, they ended up letting me do what I want whilst still giving me allowance. Ha ha ha. I think I'm incredibly averse to the idea of growing up and shun the fact that I need to embrace it early in our ridiculously competitive society. Yet, I can't bring myself to care.

The thought of needing to work after only three more years leaves me struggling anxiously to grasp on whatever childhood I have left. My holidays consist of mundane activities that one would peruse in one's free time. However my peers are all scrambling for internships and jobs that would enable them to get a head start in experiencing working life.

I honestly don't care. Ha ha ha.

I need to grow up.

I don't know which is worse! Trying to sort out my thoughts and feelings to discern what I want and what I'm willing to do to get what I want, or unpacking all my stuff from hall. I'm avoiding them both. Because I'm awesome.

It has only been a week since my examinations have ended but it felt like a month has passed! Having so much time to myself is almost a drunken experience and I've already promised myself to learn to play the guitar. I can't seem to be able to press the strings properly to play chords though. :(

C finally came back to Singapore a while back during the midst of my attempted preparation for the examinations but nevertheless we still went out after my first paper! :D I love how easy it is to slip back into my friendship with him, as if not seeing each other for a year doesn't hinder our relationship. It really doesn't. There is no awkwardness with him, no pretenses and we can be open about everything to each other. We watched Thor and sang karaoke and it was good, I love singing with him because we always go all the way out without any embarrassment whatsoever ha ha ha.

Now you're back in Canada again and it'll be a long time until you're back but I'm certain our friendship will be as strong as ever! I love you and thanks for always being here for me. :)

D
4:01 PM
yay
4:01 PM
u want anything frmo ang moh land?
4:02 PM
dun ask me to bring u back a man
4:02 PM
i cant

Jolene Yeo
4:02 PM
LMAO
4:02 PM
WHY CANT YOU

D
4:02 PM
cannot
4:02 PM
exceed baggage load already la

YAY MY EXAMINATIONS HAVE ENDED!

jolene is true says:
wha lao if im attached
i confirm announce wan okay
you want me sms you?
HAHAHAHHAHA

X says:
ya
send mass sms
i subscribe
you must sms
I AM ATTACHED.

jolene is true says:
LMAO SO RETARDED

X says:
then that night we must meet up
with that guy
for me s*** and j*** to judge

jolene is true says:
HA HA HA OKAY

X says:
then he must sing 5 songs we pick

jolene is true says:
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

It is officially the end of my first academic year in University! Time flies past so fast it's crazy, I thought it'd take forever but in a blink two semesters are already done.

Life has been awesome. Choosing to stay in hall is probably one of the best decisions I've ever made because I got to meet so many new people and gained friends who are such an integral part of my life now I dread to imagine how it'd be next year.

My retarded examinations are coming in a week and soon we'd be moving out of hall and back home. All good things will come to an end so we must savour what we have left!

*

I just realise that I haven't been blogging not just because of the lack of time I have to myself. It's also because of the fact that I choose to surround myself with my friends so I end up confiding and conversing with them. This will probably change once I shift back home and have no alternative but to articulate myself through text ha ha ha.

And now I must complete my paper before I can start studying! Yet I'm so distracted by events such as the General Elections and the Royal Wedding. Life right now is really amazing indeed. :)

S says:
omg
what happens
if
i meet
someone like seungyeon
DAEBAK MANZ

jolene is true says:
plastic surgery!!!

S says:
NO REAL
i like cute ones
eyes beeg beeg
cheeks chubby
wooosaaa~

jolene is true says:
go find a baby
paedophile

S says:
she'll be my baby
yucks.
cheesy line
pui.

jolene is true says:
OMG HA HA HA YOU DIE

S says:
oi!!!
NO MORE BLOGGGG

jolene is true says:
WATCH ME

S says:
RAWR

S says:
eh
u knw how to drive alrdy right?

jolene is true says:
yep

S says:
time to pick up guys and get yourself a boyfriend!

jolene is true says:
W T F!!!!!!!
you suck!!!!!!!!

S says:
HAHA
u were expecting smth like : when u gna drive me around, right
hahaha

jolene is true says:
YES HA HA HA HA
so smart
but you still suck

jolene is true:
omg
my macbook is damn hot

W:
as hot as you ^^

jolene is true:
HAHHAHAHAHA

AM 12:09:48 s: Gold Marine Collagen Lift Stretch Mask
AM 12:09:51 s: oops
AM 12:09:53 s: wrong convo

AM 12:09:57 jolene is true: HAHAHAHAHHAHA
AM 12:10:02 jolene is true: WHY YOU COPY AND PASTE THAT
AM 12:10:03 jolene is true: HAHAHHAHAHHA

AM 12:10:06 s: lol
AM 12:10:07 s: shhh

AM 12:10:12 jolene is true: AHHAHAHAHAHHAHA

AM 12:10:39 s: haha
AM 12:10:44 s: im looking at face masks la.

AM 12:11:14 jolene is true: obviously

AM 12:11:22 s: haha
AM 12:11:29 s: i got 2 boxes on my table
AM 12:11:32 s: have yet to finish them

AM 12:12:23 jolene is true: gimme!!!!!

AM 12:12:28 s: NO
AM 12:12:30 s: mine!

AM 12:12:33 jolene is true: wha lao!
AM 12:12:35 jolene is true: you do for what!
AM 12:12:39 jolene is true: not as if got ppl in camp to see!
AM 12:12:41 jolene is true: ^^v

AM 12:12:45 s: prep for korea
AM 12:12:45 s: haha
AM 12:13:13 s: this wont go onto your blog right?
AM 12:13:14 s: haha

AM 12:13:25 jolene is true: OH IT WILL

AM 12:13:34 s: oh shoosh
AM 12:13:57 s: wah liewz.
AM 12:14:00 s: so careless