Bristol Palin's PSA on Teen Pregnancy

Candies released its new PSA with Bristol Palin.



There are a lot of things that are troubling about it. It implies that only families of means (or even perhaps with famous parents) can adequately support their pregnant teen daughters. That is of course patently false. And teen parenthood is hard, no matter your family's resources.

It also doesn't begin to mention that teenage pregnancy can be PREVENTED through the use of contraception.

But, I like the overall message that teenage parenthood is tough, and I find "pause before you play" compelling. To me, it says think about sex before you have it, always a good message for teenagers AND adults. No matter what your age, thinking BEFORE sex is always a good idea (although as a sexologist, I'd tell you that thinking DURING is rarely.)

I think this ad would be a great trigger for discussion with teens in your home or in a classroom. One could point out the classist assumptions -- and still point out that preparing for sex, making sure it's right for you and the circumstances, and then choosing to abstain from intercourse or get contraception and condoms before anything physical happens.

America's Top Teen SpokesMom -- For Abstinence? Huh?

There's a day for everything.

Today is National Day To Prevent Teen Pregnancy.

Some of my friends and colleagues have written some great commentary over at RH Reality Check about what we know about preventing teen pregnancies that you should check out.

And then there is Bristol Palin making the rounds of the morning talk shows. I missed her on GMA, where she said, "abstinence in the only way that you can effectively 100% full proof way to prevent pregnancy." Apparently not in her case.

But, I did see her on the Today Show, where her father called her pregnancy "a mistake." And Bristol appeared to take back her early comment that abstinence wasn't realistic for all teens. She repeated her 100% abstinence message, and when pressed by Matt Lauer, both she and her dad gave a quick nod to safer sex being a good idea if a teen isn't abstinent.

She was poised, articulate, and it was clear that she had been carefully coached, with the adult message, "don't have sex, but if you must, protect yourself." Her message that being a teen mom is hard rang true -- her message, don't have sex like I did, was not. How much more impact she might have if she told her story honestly and directly -- and if she had used what is clearly a national pulpit being offered her to call for parents to talk to their teens, comprehensive sexuality education, and contraceptive services for teens.

As I said at our Congressional briefing last week, there is 40 years of research on how to prevent teenage pregnancies and scores of countries that do it better than we do. Helping young people to delay sexual intercourse until they are physically, emotionally and spiritually ready is key -- but so is providing young people with the information, services, and skills they need to protect themselves if and when they do have sex.

Bristol, if you really want to help prevent teen pregnancies in the U.S. -- and I believe you do -- maybe leave Dad at home and talk from your heart about how teens can make good decisions -- about sex and about protection.

Religious Institute to Congress: Fund Sexuality Education Now

Here's a photo from the Religious Institute briefing on reducing teenage pregnancies and STI's that we held this past week.

Joining me at the table are Ann Hanson, Rev. Ignacio Castuera, Rev. Cedric Harmon, Emily Goodstein, and Bill Smith. Over 30 national organizations and Congressional offices sent representatives to the briefing.

We'll be posting my comments at our website next week, but here's a piece from the ending. Let me know what you think.

The fact is we know how to prevent unintended teenage pregnancies. The US teenage pregnancy rate is 9 times higher than the Netherlands, four or five times higher than other European countries. Our teen gonorrhea rate is a shocking 74 time higher than France and the Netherlands. 74 times. The reason? An openness about sexuality, a clear message to young people that sexuality is a wonderful part of life but that it must be exercised wisely, sexuality education that begins at the youngest ages in the home and in schools and continues throughout their youth and early adulthood, and easily accessible free or low cost family planning services. We have forty years of research telling us there is NO silver bullet, but there are clear common sense proven strategies – we just need the political will and the funding to put them into practice.

That’s good public health practice – but it’s also the moral and ethical response. Religious institutions and religious leaders support and provide comprehensive sexuality education out of deep commitment to our theology, our sacred texts, and to our belief that they are called to serve the most vulnerable, the most marginalized among us. We must remember that the lack of sexuality education and family planning services disproportionately affects low income families in the United States: Poor and low income adolescents account for almost three quarters of all teenage pregnancies in the United States, and 83% of the births to teenagers.

Sexuality is one of life’s most precious blessings, but we need to be wise stewards of this gift. We know that our sexuality should be celebrated with joy, holiness, and integrity, but that requires understanding, respect and self discipline. We know that our young people need adult help to develop their capacity for moral discernment and a freely informed conscience.

We are at a Kairos moment. We need a federal sexuality education program that reaches all young people -- those who are heterosexual, those who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, or questioning of their orientation, those who are transgender or questioning, those who are abstinent and choose to remain so, those who have had sexual relationships, and those who have experienced sexual abuse.

Last year at a similar briefing, I ended my remarks this way. “It is time – it is way past time – for the federal government to support sexuality education programs for youth and to cease funding programs that are not only ineffective but may put our children and teenagers at risk – for disease, for short changed futures, for denial of the gift of their sexuality. “

It is a Kairos moment for our young people. We pray that together those of us in this room – the members of Congress and their staffs, the organizational representatives, the religious leaders – will walk through that opening together."

May it be so.

What Common Ground Looks Like

I'm just back from talking with somewhere between 400 and 500 parents in Hamilton, Ontario, about my latest book What Every 21st Century Parent Needs to Know and how to help their young people make healthy, moral, ethical sexual decisions.

The event was sponsored by the Sexual Health Network, a coalition of organizations chaired by the director of programs for the Catholic diocese of Hamilton, and includes members of the public health program, the schools and abstinence-only groups. They've joined together for a "Worth the Wait" program, encouraging high school age teens to delay getting involved in sexual activity.

I spoke for over an hour and answered questions for 45 minutes. I talked about why it is important for parents to give their teens their own family values about when it might be appropriate to have mature sexual behaviors of any kind; I talked about my CUHMP (the five criteria for a moral sexual relationship and the three variables that determine them); and I talked about the need to give young people "mixed messages" about sexual behaviors just like we do on drinking: in essence, we don't want you to and if you do, we want you to protect your life and future. I encouraged parents to think about what they really mean when they ask their teens to abstain (from what? until when?) and to be explicit in communicating with them.

The other "A" word never came up...it would have if someone had asked me how to approach a teen who tells you that she is pregnant, but my message was PREVENTION and PARENTING, and because my emphasis is on helping parents give THEIR (not MY) values to their children and teens, it was well received.

Dinner with the woman from the Catholic diocese was a balm for me after these past few days of people trying to paint me into a corner. There IS common ground on reducing teenage pregnancies and teenage sexual behaviors -- just as there IS common ground on supporting low income women who choose to have (more) children and not have social, medical or economic barriers to doing so.

Based on the one-on-one conversations I had with people after the talk tonight, I'm confident that I helped a lot of people think about how they might be more effective parents, especially around the areas of sex, alcohol and drugs. Despite that it's now going on 15 hours since I left home, it also helped me.

Immorality of Abstinence-Only-Until-Marriage Programs

That's the title of my latest Huffington Post blog:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rev-debra-haffner/the-immorality-of-teachin_b_173872.html

It expands on Wednesday's blog here on the 925 clergy who joined with the Religious Institute to urge the Obama administration to end federal funding for abstinence only until marriage education.

It's been a big week for news about teenage sexuality:

The 2009 budget just passed had the first decrease in abstinence only funding since the program began., but still continued all three funding programs.

It was Abstinence Day on Capitol Hill. I read that the National Abstinence Clearinghouse brought 500 teen virgins to Congress yesterday. (I couldn't help but think of the first chapters of the book of Esther that I reread this week in observance of Purim.) I can't help but wonder how many of those young people will be sexually active before they are 20 and how they will look back on this day.

And we learned late today that Bristol Palin joined the 92% of teen mothers who don't end up marrying their baby's fathers. No real surprise here.

We can and must do better for the nation's teenagers. Read more here:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rev-debra-haffner/the-immorality-of-teachin_b_173872.html

Bristol Palin, Emma Willard, and What Teens Need

I was extremely moved by my time with the junior peer educators and the senior women at Emma Willard yesterday. They were smart, friendly, curious, earnest, and open. Their questions, first written on index cards anonymously but often just by raising their hands, ran the gamut. Many of the written questions asked some version of "how do I know if I'm in love" or "how do I know if I'm ready for sex". Several of the cards asked "How do I talk to my parents about my partner/sexual orientation/having sex?"



I think you would have been impressed by their maturity, their willingness to talk to and trust an adult they didn't know, and their hunger for information. It's reassuring to know, as I write in my book, What Every 21st Century Parent Needs to Know, that our future is in their hands.



I thought similarly when I watched the Fox interview with Bristol Palin. Mature, confident, she both acknowledged her bond with her new baby and that she wished that she had waited another 10 years for child bearing. She said she wants to be an advocate to prevent teen pregnancy (surely one of my colleagues is following up!) and that abstinence-only education isn't realistic. To my surprise, her mother at the end of the interview calls it "naive." She didn't call for it to be defunded, but in some ways, there couldn't be more of an indictment on how telling your teens to "just say no" without coupling it with contraception and condom information is NOT the way to go.



I gave the girls from Emma Willard a strong message that they should wait to have sex until they are ready for a mature sexual relationship -- That no sex beyond kissing should take place unless they and their partner can answer YES to all of the CUHMP criteria (for new readers, that's consensual, non exploitative, honest, mutually pleasurable and protected) and that I didn't believe that most 16 year olds could. But, I also answered their many questions about condoms and contraception honestly and directly (except for the one that asked if condom sales go up during a recession -- I said I had no idea.)



What was clear to me from yesterday -- both my time with these young women and watching Bristol Palin -- is that they (and young men) want and need adult guidance to navigate the years of their developing sexuality identities. I'll try to post the Bristol Palin video here later, but for now, you can go to YouTube and search it. For my readers who are parents, it's tonight's teachable moment with your tweens and teens.

Red Sex, Blue Sex....From the New Yorker

This week's New Yorker has a fascinating article on evangelical teenagers and sexual behavior.

You can read it here at : http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2008/11/03/081103fa_fact_talbot

The author reports that white evangelical teen girls on average begin sex earlier than girls who are Jewish or mainline Protestant or Catholic.

I found this paragraph about reactions to Bristol Palin's pregnancy intriguing:

"... the reactions to it have exposed a cultural rift that mirrors America’s dominant political divide. Social liberals in the country’s “blue states” tend to support sex education and are not particularly troubled by the idea that many teenagers have sex before marriage, but would regard a teen-age daughter’s pregnancy as devastating news. And the social conservatives in “red states” generally advocate abstinence-only education and denounce sex before marriage, but are relatively unruffled if a teenager becomes pregnant, as long as she doesn’t choose to have an abortion."

I actually think that "social liberals" don't like high school teenage sex any more than "social conservatives" but I do agree that many of us would be even more troubled by our teenage sons and daughters dropping out of school to have babies.

I know I have a lot of "social conservative" readers...what do you think about how the author describes you? And really, "relatively unruffled?" Surely conservatives share the concern about teenagers truncating their futures, entering into teenage marriages with high rates of divorce, ending their education. Yes??

Jonas Brothers, purity rings, and what teenagers need

Until a week ago, I hadn't heard of these latest new boy band. They are the Jonas Brothers, and from what I've gathered, they are these tweens' version of NSYNC, the Backstreet Boys, and oh, dating myself, David Cassidy and the Partridge Family.

On Monday night at the MTV awards, a British Rocker named Brand (who I hadn't heard of either) made fun of them for wearing "purity rings." These rings are part of a faith-based program for teens to pledge to not have sex until marriage. Jordan Sparks, of American Idol fame, also has made her pledge public, and fired back at Brand that not everyone was a "slut."

I thought to myself, "when did personal choices about sexual activity - or lack of -- become a public declaration of superior morality?" The Jonas Brothers and Jordan Sparks are all under 20 and most are still in high school. Almost all of us would agree that it is better for high school age teenagers not to engage in sexual intercourse until they are emotionally and cognitively mature enough to handle its consequences, but I am troubled by the suggestion that all of those that do, are making immoral choices.

Here are some facts. Although some studies indicate that abstinence pledges cause young people to delay having intercourse, it's only by about a year and a half and those same studies show that when they do have sex, they are more likely to not use contraception and condoms. Pledgers are also many times more likely to have had oral sex or anal sex than non-pledgers, substituting other sexual behaviors. And no program has evidence that it delays sex until marriage, the explict promise that is being made. For more than sixty years, about 90% of people have first intercourse before they are married.

What young people need from us is more than symbolic gestures. As I've written about numerous times on this blog, and in my books, is they need adult help in making healthy and responsible decisions about their sexual behaviors, consistent with their own values. We need to support the virgins and the teens who are engaging in sexual behaviors in loving, committed relationships responsibly.

Sarah Palin's Family Values

UPDATE: For my take on Tuesday, visit http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rev-debra-haffner/bristol-palin-mary-cheney_b_123164.html ...and if you have ABC News NOW on your cable system, I taped a piece with Annie Pleshett Murphy earlier today.

Monday's Post:


When I told my 23-year-old daughter the news about Sarah Palin's daughter, she said, "Mom, this must just be a joke. Did you check?"

The Democratic candidate has asked that his family and children be off limits. The Republican party says that this pregnancy is a PRIVATE FAMILY MATTER, although their policies surely don't support privacy for all women dealing with unintended pregnancies. Gov. Palin, according to MSNBC, has said that this was her daughter's own decision.

Really?

In 2006, Gov. Palin reportedly said that she would not support abortion even in the case of her own daughter becoming pregnant from rape. She opposes comprehensive sexuality education, and supports abstinence-only-until-marriage education. I can't know, of course, but I'm wondering how much talk there was about sexual limit-setting beyond "just say no" and contraception in the Palin household. I could be wrong, but I'm guessing that there wasn't much discussion either about all of Bristol's legal options when she told her parents about her pregnancy.

The research, as I've written about in my books for parents (see the list to the right), is quite clear. In homes where parents talk openly about sexuality with their children, including their values about premarital sex, contraception and STD prevention, their children are more likely to delay sexual activity and more likely to protect themselves if they do have sex. Perhaps Gov. Palin should reconsider her positions on teenage pregnancy prevention.

But something else has been bothering me all weekend, that seems even more troubling in light of this news. In my books, I have quoted the adage, "you are only as happy as your most unhappy child." Gov. Palin is the mother of a newborn with a disorder and of a 17-year-old who is about to have a baby while she's in high school. I have only the greatest compassion for what these past five months must have been like in her family. I've sat with enough families with children with disabilities and pregnant teens to know how heartbreaking these situations are -- and how much they demand of parents.

How is it, then, that she decided THIS was the time to run for national office? My family values -- and the decisions I've made throughout my career -- have always put challenging times in my family first. How come the "family values" folks aren't talking about that?

Wednesday's TV Report

So as much as I disliked last night's "Secret Life", I made myself watch NBC's "The Baby Borrower's" tonight. It's the story of several teenage couples who are "lent" babies to raise for a few days. It's a realistic portrayal of the struggles of taking care of infants, and the teens portray an array of responses. I don't think it's compelling television, but at least one could TIVO it for an interesting school or church group discussion. Next week, they take on toddlers.

NBC advertises it as "it's not TV, it's birth control." And for young people who romanticize having babies, it just might be.

Rev. Wallis, Is It Time for Us To Talk Again About Reducing Unplanned Pregnancies?

Jim Wallis, the Director of Sojourners, and I have had several public and private discussions about abortion in the U.S. He believes and writes that the dialog about abortion has to change, and that both pro-choice and anti-choice persons need to agree to work to reduce the number of abortions in the U.S. He said so again in this week's Newsweek online.

My point, also repeated in each of these dialogs, is that we need to agree to reduce the numbers of unplanned pregnancies in the U.S. It is precisely because life is sacred and parenthood is precious that no woman, no couple, no family should be forced to deal with a potential life that is begun carelessly. Jim and I agree that abortion is a moral decision; what we don't agree on is that it is always a tragedy. I also cannot support abortion reduction as a goal in itself as long as there are active forces trying to make the procedure illegal or enact restrictions that make it almost impossible to get.

Here's what Rev. Wallis said on belief.net last week:

On abortion. I have repeatedly said that I believe abortion is wrong and always a moral tragedy. The number of unborn lives that are lost every year is alarming. But I also do not believe that the best way to change that is to criminalize abortions and just force them underground. The question is how can we actually prevent unwanted pregnancies, protect unborn lives, support low-income women, offer compassionate alternatives to abortion, make adoption much more accessible and affordable, carefully fashion reasonable restrictions, and thus dramatically reduce the shamefully high abortion rate in America? You say you want to respect the will of the people. Well, every opinion poll shows the same thing - substantial majorities think that there are too many abortions and that we should pursue measures to reduce and restrict the number, but they do not support overturning Roe v. Wade.

What Rev. Wallis isn't telling you is that the abortion rate is at its lowest since 1974, a year after Roe v. Wade. Abortions are coming down in the U.S. The abortion rate is down 100,000 since 2000, according to the Guttmacher Institute.

What Rev. Wallis isn't telling you is that a majority of Americans believe that abortion should be legal in all or most cases, and that 62% of mainline Christians and 84% of Jews believe that.

What Rev. Wallis isn't telling you is that according to the Guttmacher Institute, placing retrictions, whatever "reasonable restrictions" might be, doesn't make abortions rarer, it makes them less safe.

And despite my reading his paragraph over and over again lest I missed it, what Rev. Wallis isn't calling for is hope for young women for productive futures through quality education and job opportunities (as was missing in last week's stories on the so-called pregnancy pact), sexuality education, and high quality family planning services. Rev. Wallis, as a pro-choice feminist and minister, I will do everything I can to work with you on assuring adoption services and high quality prenatal care and parenting support -- when will we see you working to assure women AND men have access to the means to prevent pregnancies in the first place?

Was There A Pregnancy Pact in Massachusetts? Why It Doesn't Matter

So, to my readers who are parents, did you have the teachable moment on Jamie Lynn Spears and the pregnancy pact this weekend?

We did at dinner on Friday night. My almost 15 year old son said he doesn't believe that these teenage girls came up with any such thing. He imagined that one girl may have said it as a goof in being asked why so many girls were pregnant in this one high school ("yeah, we got together and signed an agreement.")

As the news unfolded over the weekend, he's not the only one who doesn't believe the principal's declaration to Time magazine.

But, it really doesn't matter, does it? Because the fact remains that 17 teen girls in one high school are having babies this year. I don't believe as some of the folks on the news do that it's the result of the media. Rather, as I said in Friday's posts, one can guess what motivated this young women to either try to get pregnant or not do enough to avoid it: it's probably about them not seeing futures for themselves, not having hope, not having self esteem, not doing well in school, not having close relationships with their parents, and not having easy access to contraception and the the type of high quality sexuality education that goes beyond information to helping young people develop the MOTIVATION to avoid pregnancy as teens.

Since these girls and their families have not spoken to the media (and I hope they do not!), we don't really know. But what we do know is the school board voted not to offer contraceptives, the director of the clinic resigned in protest, and 17 young women are on the way to becoming mothers. Those girls need love and support and prenatal care and parenting courses -- and the town, like all other towns, needs to do everything they can to help teen girls AND teen boys make healthy sexual decisions, including preventing pregnancies.

Sisterhood of the Maternity Pants

In case you missed these news stories, Jamie Lynn Spears, 16 year old actor and sister of Brittany, had her baby yesterday and a Time magazine investigation discovered a "pregnancy pact" in a seaside town in Massachusetts, resulting in 17 pregnancies in the local high school this year. It seems that a group of young women, all 16 or younger, took a pact to get pregnant together and support each other when they have babies. At the moment, it seems that all were having sex with men in their twenties who were not their boyfriends.

I can hear the cries of those who see this as the result of a morally lax culture, further evidence of the decline of morality.

Now, it's hard for this minister and sexologist not to think along with many, "what were they thinking?" Surely in today's world, somewhere along the line, these young woman had to know that unprotected sex was not a good idea, that having a child as a teenager would change their lives forever. It's easy to be glib and think they weren't thinking.

But, I'm guessing they were. If national research holds up, these girls probably came from homes where there was little discussion about sexuality or options for young women's futures being greater if parenthood is delayed until their twenties or later. I'm guessing some of these girls came from homes with too little supervision and a permissive atmosphere where they learned that teen sex wasn't such a big deal; conversely, some may have come from homes that were too strict, where they felt disconnected from their own family and sought to create their own. And they were thinking like early adolescents: concentrating on what would be fun about new babies, baby showers, extra attention, and someone who would love them unconditionally. I hope the community is help to reach out to them with compassion.

Of course, their individual stories may be different, but there is a clear message in these stories for my readers who are parents. Parents who talk openly and honestly about sexuality with their tween and teen children, including explicitly sharing their values about when sexual intercourse is appropriate (after high school, in a committed relationship, when engaged at marriage, YOUR value) have teens who wait longer. Telling your teen your hopes for their futures and offering your support results in teens who delay and who use contraception when they do become sexually active. Share your values, set limits for their dating behavior, offer your unconditional love. I talk more about all of this in my books "Beyond the Big Talk" and "What Every 21st Century Parent Needs to Know." Check out that website.

And start tonight's dinner conversation by asking your teens if they have heard about Ms. Spears and the "pregnancy pact." Ask them what they think. Listen. Share your values and hopes for them. Tell them you love them and your are there for them, and that their lives will be easier, perhaps better, if they wait to become parents until their adults.

It's not a complicated discussion. We'll be having it at my dinner table tonight. Let me know how it goes.

POST SCRIPT: See my longer blog on this issue at my blog on Huffington Post.

Sad Story From Texas

Did you hear or read this news story late last night about the 14 year old middle school student who delivered a stillborn baby on an airplane and left it in the bathroom? She has told police that she didn't know she was pregnant?

Oh, that that was the beginning of an April Fool's joke.

How is it possible in today's world that a 14 year old could be pregnant and not know? How is it possible that the adults around didn't notice anything different about her?

Unfortunately, the possible answers seem clear. I'm willing to bet that she had had no sexuality education -- at her school, at her faith community, or much in her home. I'm willing to bet that her parents didn't talk with her about sexual decision making and that she had hidden the sexual relationship with the baby's father. Based on the research about pregnancies in girls 14 and younger, I'm guessing that the father was much older, that they didn't use contraception, and that she didn't have many adults in her life that she could turn to for help and assistance.

And I am pretty certain she woke up this morning scared and confused...and feeling alone.

My heart goes out to this young woman -- and suggests that rather than concentrate on how to penalize her, the folks in Houston examine how they failed her...and other young people. And that those of us in other places ask ourselves are we doing all we can to educate young people and provide support to them so these tragedies don't happen.

Today's Teachable Moment: Celebrity Teenage Pregnancy

For those of you who don't read OK Magazine (and I'm guessing that's most of you) that's this week's issue, where 16 year old Jamie Lynn Spears, sister of Brittany and star of tween TV show, announced she's pregnant and going to have a baby.

She also tells teens in this issue that they shouldn't have premarital sex but she isn't one to judge. Nickolodeon says it respects her decision. The Today Show anchors tsked their disapproval. The AP story says her mother was shocked at first but is now supportive.

NO ONE MENTIONED CONTRACEPTION.

Parents of 8 - 18 year olds, you've been handed today's teachable moment.
They all know who she is, and I'm betting by the time school gets out today they will have all heard about it.

Ask your child what they think. Tell them YOUR values about teenagers having sexual intercourse and what you hope their decision will be. Make sure that they know that abstinence and contraception prevent pregnancies. Most of us will want our teen children to know that we want them to wait to have intercourse until they are mature enough for a sexual relationship -- and that if they do have sex as a teenager, they must use contraception and condoms to protect themselves and their lives. Tell them you hope they will talk to you if they are thinking about having sex -- and that they will come to you if they think they might be pregnant.

This will definitely be a discussion topic at my family's dinner table tonight. Tell me how it goes in your's.