Kitty Blog

OUT OF IT

Been busy not paying attention to the world for a few weeks, trying to write a screenplay. For those of you who follow this blog with bated breath, here's something I wrote a few years back. It's either Sadly Dated, or Eerily Prescient. Your choice.

KAP’N KITTY’S KORNER

Fade up on a bare wall, on which are written in scrawled Magic Marker, “Door,” “Window.”

KAP’N KITTY walks onto this set. He’s an extremely close-shaven young man wearing a fuzzy black cat suit, revealing only his face. He stares at his feet, as an unseen ANNOUNCER proclaims--

ANNOUNCER

Hi kids. Welcome to Kap’n Kitty’s Korner, the federally mandated program for today’s at-risk pre-teen population. This portion of Kap’n Kitty’s Korner is funded in part by Halsted Buckram & Hartford, where your money is their money. And by Plasmopheme, where glowing soybeans feed the world. Now say hello to Kap’n Kitty!

[KAP’N KITTY looks up.]

KAP’N KITTY

Don’t really say hello. Remember, I’m on television and can’t hear you. Keep in mind too that my real name is Dan Reynolds. I’m a special agent with the Treasury Department. I’m just--

[He makes quotation marks in the air with his paws.]

--pretending. Also, we might be spelling “captain” with a “k” instead of a “c” but this is for a comedy effect. It’s humorous, okay? And what’s our topic today, Mr. Bennett?

ANNOUNCER

Our topic today is “Imaginary Friends,” and it’s underwritten in part by Phosmerexetrene. Consult your physician. And by Sawyer Liddell, venture capital for the unborn. Let them get you started early on the road to personal wealth.

KAP’N KITTY

Great. And here’s our imaginary friend, Ms. Kathleen Corrigan.

[KATHLEEN CORRIGAN, a smartly dressed professional woman, enters, carrying a slim, stylish briefcase.]

You’re not really imaginary, are you?

KATHLEEN

No. I’m an attorney with the Justice Department.

KAP’N KITTY

Lost a case, did you?

KATHLEEN

Don’t even go there.

KAP’N KITTY

Why else would you end up here?

KATHLEEN

How’d you end up here?

KAP’N KITTY

I--

[KAP’N KITTY makes quotation marks in the air with his paws.]

--volunteered. I made the mistake of telling the complete truth on my initial application.

KATHLEEN

That you had a childhood?

KAP’N KITTY

My imaginary friend was named Steve. Did you have an imaginary friend?

KATHLEEN

God, no. I barely had real friends. I was kind of male-identified, if you know what I mean.

[There is an embarrassed silence.]

KAP’N KITTY

Well. It’s perfectly normal to have an imaginary friend, until it’s not. It’s a sign of imagination, and-- what?

KATHLEEN

Creativity?

KAP’N KITTY

Roger that. Remember, kids, as you get older, prospective employers look for signs of creativity in your job applications. It’s a good thing to say that you have it.

KATHLEEN

Here’s a tip, though. Don’t really have it.

KAP’N KITTY

Hell no. The truth is, most employers hate creativity.

KATHLEEN

Right. But they want you to believe you have it.

KAP’N KITTY

Right. So. Just sit there, until you can vote. That’s my advice.

[A slight pause ensues, fraught with anxiety.]

ANNOUNCER

And by Premulent Technologies. Their motto, since 1996: “If you know what we do, please tell us.”

KATHLEEN

Oh. Here.

[She hands KAP’N KITTY a piece of paper.]

KAP’N KITTY

E-mail! Remember, kids, we don’t accept telephone calls or letters. Only e-mail. This is to help you adapt to the new economy. This is from Sam in Redwood City California. “Dear Kap’n Kitty. Do you have a gun? Can I see it?”

[He hands the piece of paper back to KATHLEEN, who puts it in her slim, stylish briefcase.]

KAP’N KITTY

Yes. I carry a nine millimeter handgun. I can’t show it to you, because research has shown that it’s damaging for children to see authority figures with loaded weapons. Psychology and that, you know? It’s perfectly legal for you to have a weapon, though you probably shouldn’t. If you do, and you bring it to school, you run the risk of being arrested, or shot by police officers during a siege situation. Up to you. My leg itches.

[A pregnant pause.]

ANNOUNCER

Kap’n Kitty’s Korner is staffed entirely by volunteers from the Justice and Treasury Departments. Because America’s children are its greatest treasures. No tax dollars were spent to bring this program to you.

[Brief pause.]

And this portion of Kap’n Kitty’s Korner is brought to you by The Chalmer Group. You pay us. We’ll pay you.

KAP’N KITTY

All righty then. How you doin’ Kathleen?

KATHLEEN

Bitter. I’m bitter. Bitterness, kids. Get used to it. Work through it.

KAP’N KITTY

That’s some good advice there. Now we come to the part of the show we call “Send us your stuffed animals, and we’ll try to guess their names,” where we get your stuffed animals and we try to guess their names. Here’s Special Agent Roy Harris.

[AGENT ROY HARRIS enters, carrying a pathetic ball of fur.]

ROY

Guidelines suggest that we do not portray children on television, therefore I will represent the eight year old male demographic, aka Tim, aka Timmy, aka Little Timmy.

KAP’N KITTY

Hey Tim. That a stuffed animal you have there?

ROY

That is correct.

KAP’N KITTY

Is its name Timmy?

ROY

No sir. That’s my name.

KAP’N KITTY

Sometimes you give stuffed animals your own name.

ROY

On your planet maybe.

[A brief, yet excruciating silence.]

KAP’N KITTY

Is it called Marty?

ROY

No sir.

KAP’N KITTY

Simba?

ROY

No sir.

[KAP’N KITTY looks at his feet. ROY looks at KAP’N KITTY’s feet as well.]

ANNOUNCER

And by www. darkness.com, saying “Lights out,” to the Internet.

KAP’N KITTY

Okay. I give.

ROY

It’s Shamu.

KAP’N KITTY

Huh. So it’s like a whale, or something?

ROY

I guess. Looks more like a skunk to me though.

KATHLEEN

Maybe a dinosaur.

ROY

It’s pretty beat up.

KAP’N KITTY

Thanks, Timmy. ‘Preciate it.

ROY

Hey, no prob.

[He exits.]

KAP’N KITTY

Remember, kids, send us your stuffed animals and we’ll try to guess their names. You need to get rid of those things anyway. They’re an impediment to maturity.

KATHLEEN

There are no stuffed animals in the workspace.

KAP’N KITTY

You got that right. And write this down too, kids. It’s a federal offense for you to watch any television show but this one.

KATHLEEN

And you shouldn’t even be watching this.

KAP’N KITTY

Yeah. You should be, uh, I dunno-- doing some science.

KATHLEEN

Reading.

KAP’N KITTY

Roger that. Bottom line: if you watch television, this is the program you must watch, though we don’t recommend it.

KATHLEEN

Is anybody watching, by the way?

KAP’N KITTY

Let’s crunch the numbers. Mr. Bennett? Anybody out there?

ANNOUNCER

Working on it.... No. As of now, our viewership is zero.

KATHLEEN

Good news!

[KAP’N KITTY takes his head off.]

KAP’N KITTY

Good news for us. Good news for America. Our long nightmare is over. The future is safe. Finally, we can all go home.

[KATHLEEN is already out the door.]

ANNOUNCER

This portion of Kap’n Kitty’s Korner was brought to you by E-Solutions, providing scalable b to b synergistic platforms offering mission-critical content to expedite bandwidth. And by trimethylphenosomnihex, your one-step solution to attention deficit disorder.

[KAP’N KITTY struggles to get out of the cat suit, falls over.]