AlterNet: The War on Xma$

AlterNet: The War on Xma$: "Will Durst's 2005 Xma$ Gift Wi$h Li$t

# For former Speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich, who says he's thinking of running for the presidency in 2008: Second thoughts.
# For hotel heiress Paris Hilton: A yearlong sabbatical in Kazakhstan. Actually, that gift is for the rest of us.
# For Bill O'Reilly: A four-day, all-expenses-paid trip to the Folsom Street Fair in San Francisco.
# For Gavin Newsom: A copy of the unrated version of 'Requiem for a Dream,' so he can see what sexist and offensive really looks like.
# For Hillary Clinton: A new best seller entitled 'It Takes an Impeachment.'
# For the Democratic Senate: The gumption to continue the fight for the rights of minorities. Even if the main minority they're fighting for these days is themselves.
# For San Francisco Police Chief Heather Fong: A sense of humor.
# For Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice: One blessedly quiet year in a Donald-Rumsfeld-free zone.
# For the Democratic House of Representatives: A spine.
# For George W. Bush: An approval rating higher than his average test scores in college.
# For televangelist Pat Robertson: A 'Clue Train' Fast Pass so he can ride for free for 30 days.
# For Supreme Court Justice nominee Samuel Alito: A Harriet Miers Swimsuit Calendar.
# For Cindy Sheehan: Whatever it takes to prompt more"

Letterman is God!

Salon.com Arts & Entertainment | The Fix: "Letterman's mind control: A woman in New Mexico has filed a restraining order against David Letterman, claiming that he's been tormenting her with secret, coded messages through the television. The woman, Colleen Nestler, claims that Letterman communicated to her that he wants to marry her and make her his co-host on 'The Late Show.' The 'mental cruelty' and 'sleep deprivation' that Letterman allegedly inflicted on Nestler apparently came in the form of gestures and eye expressions, songs sung by guest bands on the show, and the letter C on baseball caps. The proposal came in 1993 when Letterman joked on-screen, 'Marry me, Oprah.' Nestler claims that Oprah is one of her code names. In the temporary restraining order, which was granted by Santa Fe District Judge Daniel Sanchez, Nestler stipulates that Letterman stay three yards away from her and that he not 'think of me, and release me from his mental harassment and hammering.' (E! Online)"

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOT

Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:


COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT


ABBOTT

Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?



COSTELLO

Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.



ABBOTT

Mac?



COSTELLO

No, the name's Lou.



ABBOTT

Your computer?



COSTELLO

I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.



ABBOTT

Mac?



COSTELLO

I told you, my name's Lou.



ABBOTT

What about Windows?



COSTELLO

Why? Will it get stuffy in here?



ABBOTT

Do you want a computer with Windows?



COSTELLO

I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?



ABBOTT

Wallpaper.



COSTELLO

Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.



ABBOTT

Software for Windows?



COSTELLO

No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?



ABBOTT

Office.



COSTELLO

Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?



ABBOTT

I just did.



COSTELLO

You just did what?



ABBOTT

Recommend something.



COSTELLO

You recommended something?



ABBOTT

Yes.



COSTELLO

For my office?



ABBOTT

Yes.



COSTELLO

OK, what did you recommend for my office?



ABBOTT

Office.



COSTELLO

Yes, for my office!



ABBOTT

I recommend Office with Windows.



COSTELLO

I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?



ABBOTT

Word.



COSTELLO

What word?



ABBOTT

Word in Office.



COSTELLO

The only word in office is office.



ABBOTT

The Word in Office for Windows.



COSTELLO

Which word in office for windows?



ABBOTT

The Word you get when you click the blue "W".



COSTELLO

I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?



ABBOTT

Money.



COSTELLO

That's right. What do you have?



ABBOTT

Money.



COSTELLO

I need money to track my money?



ABBOTT

It comes bundled with your computer.



COSTELLO

What's bundled with my computer?



ABBOTT

Money.



COSTELLO

Money comes with my computer?



ABBOTT

Yes. No extra charge.



COSTELLO

I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?



ABBOTT

One copy.



COSTELLO

Isn't it illegal to copy money?



ABBOTT

Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.



COSTELLO

They can give you a license to copy money?



ABBOTT

Why not? THEY OWN IT!



(A few days later)


ABBOTT

Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?



COSTELLO

How do I turn my computer off?



ABBOTT

Click on "START".............

12 Days of Christmas

Christmas legend?

---

There is one Christmas Carol that has always baffled me.



What in the world do leaping lords, French hens, swimming swans, and especially the partridge who won't come out of the pear tree have to do with Christmas?



Today, I found out. From 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in England were not permitted to practice their faith openly.



Someone during that era wrote this carol as a catechism song for young Catholics.



It has two levels of meaning: the surface meaning plus a hidden meaning known only to members of their church.



Each element in the carol has a code word for a > religious reality, which the children could remember.



The partridge in a pear tree was Jesus Christ. Two turtledoves were the Old and New Testaments Three French hens stood for faith, hope and love.



The four calling birds were the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.



The five golden rings recalled the Torah or Law, the first five books of the Old Testament.



The six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creation.



Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit: Prophesy, Serving, Teaching, Exhortation, Contribution, Leadership, and Mercy.



The eight maids a-milking were the eight beatitudes.



Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control. The ten lords a-leaping were the Ten Commandments.



The eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples.



The twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of belief in The Apostles' Creed.



So there is your history for today. This knowledge was shared with me and I found it interesting and enlightening and now I know how that strange song became a Christmas Carol...so pass it on if you wish.

Salon.com Arts & Entertainment | The Fix

Salon.com Arts & Entertainment | The Fix: "Money Quotes:
Mike Wallace on what questions he'd ask George W. Bush -- who has declined to be interviewed by Wallace -- if he were given the chance: 'What in the world prepared you to be the commander in chief of the largest superpower in the world? … You apparently were incurious. You didn't want to travel. You knew very little about the military … Do you think that has anything to do with the fact that the country is so [bleeped] up?'"

Salon.com Books | "The Truth (With Jokes)"

Al Franken pukes into his wastebasket in Chapter 4 of his new book, then spends Chapter 5 in "Rove-induced septic shock."
Salon.com Books | "The Truth (With Jokes)": "He then analyzes this victory, citing figures from the Economist showing that the percentage of the electorate who voted on the basis of 'moral or ethical issues' was actually lower in 2004 than in the two previous elections. 'Okay? All right? So it wasn't moral values, asshole. (Although coarse language may have played a role.) It was terror. Terror. TERROR!!!' writes Franken. He cites some 'not so widely reported' remarks made by Dick Cheney while campaigning: 'We have very credible evidence that tells us that if [John] Kerry wins, the following states will be hit: Ohio, Florida, Pennsylvania ...' This, like many others in the book, is one of those jokes you don't laugh at so much as nod at, thinking, 'Oh man, that's so true.' Indeed, here and elsewhere, Franken's not just being funny. He includes some pretty interesting stuff about a subfield of social psychology called 'terror management theory.' One TMT study showed that -- paraphrasing here, but not making it up -- test subjects, including liberals, were more likely to prefer Bush over Kerry if they'd been prompted first to think about death."

PERKS OF BEING OVER 50

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.


2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.


3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.


4. People call at 9 pm and ask, " Did I wake you?"


5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.


6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.


7. Things you buy now won't wear out.


8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.


9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.


10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.


11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.


12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.


13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.


14. You sing along with elevator music.


15. Your eyes won't get much worse.


16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.


17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.


18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.


19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.


20. You can't remember who sent you this list. And, you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Quotes of the Day - The Quotations Page

Quotes of the Day - The Quotations Page: "Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.

- Alfred E. Newman"

Salon.com | The land of Republican perfection

Salon.com | The land of Republican perfection: "At this point in time, I don't see Karl Rove or Tom DeLay writing a good mea culpa, and I doubt that Colin Powell or Donald Rumsfeld will either. And of course presidents never do, and here is one more proof that we are not now nor have we ever been a Christian nation. Confession is at the heart of the faith. (All have sinned and come short of the glory of God.) But under this administration, the faith has been revised, all the stuff about the poor has been tabled and the confession of sin omitted, and prayer is now a promotional device in which you thank God for making you the terrific person you are. In the Christian view of the world, these folks rank lower than outright atheists, which is a terrifying aspect of the faith -- better never to have believed than to use sacred things for your grimy self-aggrandizement -- and which might scare a Republican into writing a decent book. One can hope for this."

Qoute of the day

Those who agree with us may not be right, but we admire their astuteness.
- Cullen Hightower

Chicago Tribune - Obituaries

Now here is a man after my own heart.
Chicago Tribune - Obituaries: "In lieu of flowers, please send acerbic letters to Republicans."

Great cartoon. http://www.thenation.com/doc/20051010/comix 

Great pic 

AlterNet: From The Wire

AlterNet: From The Wire: "From the Wire

Provided by HuffingtonPost.com

Electricity Turned On In New Orleans Neighborhood For Bush, Turned Off When He Left...
Posted on September 16, 2005 at 1:22 PM.

I am duty-bound to report the talk of the New Orleans warehouse district last night: there was rejoicing (well, there would have been without the curfew, but the few people I saw on the streets were excited) when the power came back on for blocks on end. Kevin Tibbles was positively jubilant on the live update edition of Nightly News that we fed to the West Coast. The mini-mart, long ago cleaned out by looters, was nonetheless bathed in light, including the empty, roped-off gas pumps. The motorcade route through the district was partially lit no more than 30 minutes before POTUS drove through. And yet last night, no more than an hour after the President departed, the lights went out. The entire area was plunged into total darkness again, to audible groans. It's enough to make some of the folks here who witnessed it... jump to certain conclusions."

Me

I need to post this so I can get the URL.

God Outdoes Terrorists Yet Again | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

NEW ORLEANS—Throughout the Gulf Coast, Caucasian suburbanites attempting to gather food and drink in the shattered wreckage of shopping districts have reported seeing African?Americans 'looting snacks and beer from damaged businesses.' 'I was in the abandoned Wal-Mart gathering an air mattress so I could float out the potato chips, beef jerky, and Budweiser I'd managed to find,' said white survivor Lars Wrightson, who had carefully selected foodstuffs whose salt and alcohol content provide protection against contamination. 'Then I look up, and I see a whole family of [African-Americans] going straight for the booze. Hell, you could see they had already looted a fortune in diapers.' Radio stations still in operation are advising store owners and white people in the affected areas to locate firearms in sporting-goods stores in order to protect themselves against marauding blacks looting gun shops."

New Scripture -- The 23rd Qualm

3rd QUALM .... Freudian Slipture

Bush is my shepherd; I dwell in want.

He maketh logs to be cut down in national forests.

He leadeth trucks into the still wilderness. He restoreth my fears.

He leadeth me in the paths of international disgrace for his ego's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of pollution and war, I will find no exit, for Bush still art in office.

His tax cuts for the rich and his media control, they discomfort me.

He preparest an agenda of deception in the pretense of true religion.

He anointest my head with blood-won oil. My health insurance runneth out.

Surely megalomania and false patriotism shall follow me all the days of his term,

And my jobless child shall dwell in my basement forever.

Author unknown

SF Gate: Multimedia (image)

SF Gate: Multimedia (image): "Two faces to Piraro's art / Revised cartoon deletes reference to same-sex marriage
The two different Bizarro cartoons. Images courtesy of King Features Syndicate "

My son James and his son Harry share a bottle. 

Grandpa and Jack. 

Jack in his blessing (confirmation) outfit. 

My son Russell and my good friend Larry. 

Me and the grandkids. Harry wanted me to give him his baby brother. 

Me and Harry out for a walk. 

Couldn't have said it better myself. 

Bush light bulb joke

...How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a
light bulb?

None.

Nothing is wrong with the light bulb; its conditions are
improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are a
delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served
honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect.

Why do you hate freedom?

--Annonymous

Calling in sick

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

Barbara and John 

More 

Pics don't do this justice. 

David and John 

John and Barbara at the Grand Canyon 

The 23rd Sigh

Bush is my shepherd; I dwell in want.

He maketh logs to be cut down in national forests.

He leadeth trucks into the still wilderness.

He restoreth my fears.

He leadeth me in the paths of international disgrace for his ego's
sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of pollution and war,

I will find no exit, for thou art in office.

Thy tax cuts for the rich and thy media control, they discomfort me.

Thou preparest an agenda of deception, in the presence of thy religion.

Thou anointest my head with foreign oil.

My health insurance runneth out.

Surely megalomania and false patriotism shall follow me all the days of
thy
term.

And my jobless child shall dwell in my basement forever.

Heaven

Something to remember....

---

I was shocked, confused, bewildered as I entered Heaven's door, Not by the beauty of
it all, by the lights or its decor.



But it was the folks in Heaven who made me sputter and gasp--the thieves, the liars,
the sinners, the alcoholics, the trash.



There stood the kid from seventh grade who swiped my lunch money twice. Next to him
was my old neighbor who never said anything nice.



Herb, who I always thought was rotting away in Hell, was sitting pretty on cloud
nine, looking incredibly well.



I nudged Jesus, "What's the deal? I would love to hear Your take. How'd all these
sinners get up here? God must've made a mistake.



And why's everyone so quiet, so somber? Give me a clue."



"Hush, child," said He. "They're all in shock. No one thought they'd see you."



Judge NOT...

A popular poster image of President Bush as Uncle Sam that was for sale at the Conservative Political Action Conference. 

Harris with the organ 

out in the snow 

Harris 

Emily and Harris 

James, Emily and Harris 

Russell Murdock - Sports writer

Cougars dominate men's track ::: "By Russell Murdock The Daily Universe"

Mercora P2P Radio review by PC Magazine

Mercora P2P Radio review by PC Magazine: "Looking for a way to share digital music without risking a lawsuit? Look at Mercora, a new music-sharing service that adheres to the letter of federal law. Billed as 'P2P Radio,' Mercora lets you broadcast your music collection across the Net and listen to broadcasts from thousands of other music lovers. But you needn't worry about broadcasting copyrighted material and running afoul of the major recording labels. Mercora's parent company pays the labels a rights fee for each song the service streams."

Another Christas Pic

James, Emily and Harris 

Christmas Pics 

The entire family, taken just a few days before Christmas 2004. 

Can therapy fix my parents?

http://www.salon.com/mwt/col/tenn/2005/01/06/parents_and_therapy/index.html

If, however, you do come to feel that it's your relationship with your parents that is holding you back, then try this: Ask yourself not how you feel about your parents but what you owe your parents. What are your obligations at this point in your life? They have put you through college but now you're on your own: How can you fulfill your obligations?

This is different from asking what your parents want from you. Our parents may want us to fulfill certain unconscious wishes they retain from childhood, from their own relationships with their parents. We cannot help them with that. You can determine, however, what your concrete obligations are. And I think you can probably fulfill many of those obligations.

So what are our obligations to our parents? In general terms, you might come up with a list something like this: To speak with them or visit at least once a month. Not to cause them undue pain. Not to shame them. Not to steal from them. To treat them kindly and with respect. To help them when they become no longer able to take care of themselves. To be a comfort to them when possible.

Beyond fulfilling such obligations as these, we can get into trouble. For not only do you have obligations to your parents, but they have obligations to you. One of their chief obligations is to provide an environment in which you can become who you are. So if you betray yourself, then you betray your parents as well. For instance, suppose you conclude it's your duty to your parents to become a plastic surgeon. If you are not suited to be a plastic surgeon, then in trying to become one you undermine your parents' chief duty to you.

So the best you can do, as an adult, is to fulfill your concrete obligations to your parents. The rest -- the emotional tenor of your relationship, your compatibility, your taste and politics and ideas, their projected wishes for you -- is chancy.

If you can satisfy yourself that you are doing what is right and necessary as a daughter, perhaps it will ease some of the pain that arises when you see your parents. Perhaps it will also allow you to limit your contact with your parents without an undue sense of guilt.

It's hard at 24 to imagine how a lifetime of experience has molded one's parents, and harder still to keep in mind that time will continue to change them, robbing them of both their acuity and their rancor. If you simply go about living, you will find that these things take place, slowly but surely, seemingly without anyone's effort.