Weakness is my Strength.

The biggest problem I have with myself is being weak.

Compared to 48hrs ago, life as I know it had changed. There's so much words inside of me, but none of it make sense enough to form coherent sentences yet. And in the following 48hrs, I'm pretty sure I'll feel all empty inside.

I am weak like that.
I get attached to people easily, way too easy.
The deal with people, they leave. By fate or by choice. People leave. This has been established long ago, but nothing helps in making me feel better.

It's like we all know we're gonna die someday, but that doesn't make me immune to the thought of it.
I'm scared.

I'm scared to my bones.

Tears well up in my eyes at the slightest thing. I can't imagine saying bye to you, just yet.
I wish I had known you much earlier, wish that I had a chance to stay up all night and talk about nothing to everything.

I close my eyes and think about how weird we are together.
How you match my weirdness so well.

Eyes are getting wet just by thinking of you flying halfway around the globe, for good.

This is how I'll play it, I'm weak.
I won't pretend to be strong.
Anything, with the short time left, I wanna leave you with the realest memory of me. Not someone I'm pretending to be.

This is me, weak.
I'll see you in my dreams tonight.

I'll be.

After such a long time of not being in regular jobs, getting regular pay.
I'm finally starting in a month's time.

One month,
It's all that's left of my longgggggggggg holiday, self given.
Not ready now, but I'll be.

After being part of USS parade for the past 3years, I've grown accustomed to have 5days worth of free time, pack in random stuff and just live my days as they are. I've been killing myself in my own thoughts.
Maybe I should go get a cat.

Start talking to a kitty, cause it keeps you sane.

Midyear.

Recently I read, if June were to be a real person, She will most probably boast about all the romance she help created. Much truth in it. I love the idea of June. It's a mark to show that we're already mid-way through another gruelling year.

Even if it's not so much for me. I've had my first half of 2014 pretty chilled. Albeit all the interesting jobs that pack my days, I always find time for myself. After the dust settles, I always find myself thinking. About stuff.

I love having my own time. It's like a mental restarting point, makes me feel alive again.

I'd always imagined June to be in purple and flowers.
Dancing in the gentle rain, like the drizzle outside my window now.

I'd always imagined June to be good with kids.
Helpful, kind and happy.

Let's all embrace the June in us.

3am Mental Race.

In the 3am silence, I hear my thoughts; out loud.
Some darker than others. I fight them, everynight. Sometimes they win, and I'll slip further. Others, I manage to pass yet another dreamless night.

3am.
I fear my 3am mind. It's all in my head, the grey matter with non-stop churning of thoughts. The smallest thing will trigger a full minute of starring into nothingness with the universe in my head. Maybe one day, the nightmares outside of my sleep will fade away.

Or maybe they will eat me alive.

Time-Out

This is my first full Saturday spent at home in a longgggg while. If I wasnt feeling under the weather, same as all the other weekends, I would be out working. Love-hate relationship with being an ill cat. I sound like I'm perpetually crying, and my eyes looking real swollen now. I feel ugly. :(

But today, I finally found some time and did some writing. Been wanting to write for awhile now. Time was never on my side. Lying on bed with my laptop. Man, I miss this feeling. I've a lot on my mind but no energy to type it all out.

I'll be good again, cats.
I will be.

What goes under.

Have you ever had a period where you just wanna be so busy, forget about some things that's CONSTANTLY in your head? And then to fail oh-so miserably?

Right, I'm experiencing it. Full force.

I tried to pack my schedule as tightly as possible. I've been out of the house rehearsing/meeting old friends/doing stuff and all that jazz. I'm mentally and physically drained. At the end of everyday, I lie on bed and guess what appear in my mind, again? If I can control it, believe me, I would.

Out of the many hours out, the morning shows, the meet in-betweens. Every time I'm alone, every damn time, I can't help it. What's worse, it doesn't get better. Nothing ever does. So much I start to wonder if it's healthier for me to just take maybe 3 full days, Go deep into my thoughts, spend minutes and hours brooding over what's mind boggling.

Maybe, then I will get it outta my system.
Maybe, I'll be overdosed with my mind.

Maybe, by that time I will be so sick of it.
Then, I'll stop.

The End of It.

After watching P.S. I Love You for the umpteenth time, I'm still brawling my eyes out at the ending. Too much had been going on in my head. Each time I watch the movie, it seemed to be addressing different situations. On point at that.

Have you ever realized how  many different endless combination that the 26 letters can be scrambled to form words. Yet, with so many in the book, I still can't find proper ones to address what I feel. Words rarely fail me. What happens next? I went for some mental rejuvenation. Cried to my favorite movie of all time. And felt 10 thousand times better.

I scare people; Myself more than any other.
I don't even trust me with my own thoughts.

Someday. It'll get better.

I only blinked.

I might only write when I'm shit-faced drunk if I don't get into this space more often. There are times, once too many, I wanted to keep a virtual record of what went down. Either I get too busy I forget, or that I'm just a lil too lazy. Right. What dumb excuses.

Nearing too 5am now. Way too late, or too damn early to get anything done.

There are really so many things I wish I could find the words for.
I can't find enough words to form proper sentences to do my thoughts justice.
It's May.
You know how strange it is that day by day, nothing really changed. But when you stop and look back, nothing is really the same.

Strange world we live in huh?

Ive disappeared from this humble space. But Ive never gone too far. 2014 has been full of surprises, both good and bad. All 16days of it, Ive never gotten a rest day since.

Same old. Still untangling the webs in my head. Too messed up.

Till the next.

Bring me down, I'll do better.

Shit talking is what shit talkers do. There's another level of shit talking, where the person starting it is deluded in his/her own world. That everything they do is right, and they can judge all other people. The worse kind are a couple doing that. Where one of them lives in such bubble, and the other supports his/her way of thinking knowing damn well it's not normal.

You know, I dont have much faith in people generally. To be able to get me disappointed, I applaud you man. From all the trash you feed me, saying it's for the best of my well being. To talking shit behind my back saying a whole new side that I dont even know. If you wanna do shit, at least make sure the person involved wont find out.

Oh, I forgot. Yall dont fucking care. Because youre stuck in your own bubble that nothing can penetrate. You are safe from the rest of us; the real world.

I wish you all the best, but never success.

Annoyingly happy. Because the time I "disappeared to dont know where" I was doing what I wanna do and it makes me feel good. Damn good.

Given a chance, I wont reverse any damn thing.