9/52

It's the ninth installment of Find Mom Friday. And, I'd just like to say, that I don't think I've been in as many pictures as I have been lately! ;)

So, although these are LAST week's photos, here's a few more candid wedding photos of me being a mom. I missed FMF last week, though, so now I'm a week behind. Oh well. :)

(Taylor and I, after the reception.)

(Bear and I, dancing and having fun!)

(Mimi's kiss after the ceremony when we danced out of the chapel outside)

(Five of the seven kids, watching Mommy come down the aisle)

In Point Form

• http://vimeo.com/1531870

I love this video! I loved it when I first saw it, and ended up playing it so often that now my kids sing along. Yes. My kids sing along to Queen. lol

• With my brother's wedding taking up the better part of this weekend, I'm down to some final time in order to get OUR wedding ready. You should see my planner-- CRAZY notes on notes on lists of lists. Seriously. It's getting to the point that I don't know what list to start with-- here I think I'm all smart and organized, but there's so much to do that my organized lists are overflowing! AHHH.

I never 'planned' my wedding to Chris, since we only had an 8 day engagement. So this is new to me.

• Having step-children, especially one who lives with me full-time, is a big adjustment. I am learning that, although Will's kids are seriously fantastic... and he's a super father to them AND my kids, we don't always agree on parenting styles. We agree ENOUGH. But there's going to be growing pains and a LOT of lessons learned--- and I'm mostly talking about just ME! I know I have lots to learn

There's power struggles with LL, who is used to being the oldest and now she has 'competition'.

• I'm so excited about the wedding. But, moreso, I'm excited about having Will live with me. Although right now I see him A LOT more than I did when I lived in Calgary, it still sucks when he tucks me in to bed each night and walks out the front door. I look sooooo forward to sleeping with him beside me-- a warm body to keep the sheets from freezing, a rhythmic breath to lullaby me to sleep, a shoulder to 'pillow' me and a kiss first thing in the morning. I look forward to 'life' starting to settle a bit, where I can cook dinner for him, where I get to spend every other weekend dating him. I look forward to the MARRIAGE.

I am watching my two siblings get married within a week of each other, and, naturally, it's their first marriages. But having been married before, both Will and I come into this a bit tentitavly and jaded. We know marriage can be SUPER and fantastic, but we also KNOW it is harder than anything else. My siblings may HEAR and understand that sentence, but they don't KNOW it. Kinda like when you are pregnant-- you read and prepare as much as you can for that baby, but until it ACTUALLY comes, you realize there was NOTHING that could prepare you for the REAL parts. Like that wedding day euphoria...where you believe life only gets better from here with cake and flower petals all the way...I kinda wish i could go back to those days, but I'm grateful for a better idea this time around. And for a better partner for the trip.

I may be a realist. I may be jaded. But seriously, you guys... I am so in love with this man.

Now I'm off to get marriage licences and stuff put together. We have a bit of an issue because of the stupidity of Will's ex, Sarah, so we are in the middle of fixing that today. Good times.

Mom's Week Off

Being without my kids for the week is taking its toll.

Firstly, it's awesome.
I got to sleep-in yesterday (as sleep-in as 8 am is... and for me, that's 2 hours!), and once the dayhome kids go home, I am FREE to do what I want (any old time?). I don't have to make dinners, my house is staying pretty dang clean (not that anyone's asked for a showing this week, which is both a relief because I don't have to leave and also a pain because that means it's not being sold and just FIGURES since this is the EASIEST time for me to show the place), and there's NO responsibilities to keep me at home at night.

So, last night I went out with Becka.

We went shoe shopping, and AMAZINGLY, found the shoes I was looking for for the wedding! The right colour, the right heel, everything perfect. Nice.
And we headed out for dinner after with Lena to The Olive Garden. Which, by the way, was soooooo yummy!

But, to my surprise, my kids came with me. Oh, every few minutes I'd end up thinking "Oh geez, it's getting late and I have to get back to relieve the babysitter" or "Chris is gonna be mad that I've been out so long, he probably wants to go home" or something along those lines. I'd actually have to TRAIN myself NOT to think about them and enjoy the night out.

We got home fairly late after traffic issues and going downtown to drop off dinner for Becka's working hubby, and it was odd to walk into an empty house that late at night. Not bad. Just... odd. The doors to their bedrooms have remained closed (so they don't get messed up by dayhome kids) and last night it was so hot, I opened every door and window to get some cross-breezes goin' on. Their little beds are still made. Their rooms SMELL like them. (remind me to give those bedrooms a bath! ;) )

And then I chatted with Will on the phone.
And my kids were there.

During the conversation, I had to remind myself that the kids weren't going to be overhearing anything I said. That I could talk 'loudly' and not worry about waking anyone up. Although, it's a relief to be able to have a full-blown conversation with someone and NOT be interrupted at least once with "MAAAHWHHHWMMM, soandso is looking at me!"




It is very odd not having them here. I had them alllll last week by myself, and I'll have them alllll next week to myself too. I'm enjoying my week-off, getting stuff done and relaxing. But it sure is empty, and peaceful quiet and a nice home-cation.

The End and The Beginning

SCHOOL'S OUT. FOR. SUMMER!

Remember this?: (first day of school this year)

Now we have this:
Think they're a bit excited about summer vacation!? This may be the last day they get to wear these uniforms, though, assuming we move before school starts next year. :(

And so now my blogging may decrease even more. I'm hoping to find some time to blog, as the house is filled with dayhome school-aged kids who entertain the regular little ones. And we will be outside, avoiding further damage to the house I am trying to sell. We had *two* showings yesterday, so at least people are coming in! PRAY HARDER, PEOPLE-- I need out of this place.

People keep telling me it took 50 or 100 showings before they sold their homes. Or how they lost money. Or how it was 6 months before they got an offer! BUT, the good thing is that my realtor talked with one of the realtors who brought someone through yesterday, and the feedback was really positive in regards to price and how the house shows. So, I was happy to hear that. I realize we're only on the first week of being listed, but holy moly, I'm soooo done with selling.

I feel totally in limbo until this place is sold. It's hard to feel like I can't plan school, or housing, or vacations or work or whatever-- I don't know where I'll be when. Standing still in a horrible dormant feeling is driving me to bite nails and break out. I just want routine. Stability. And direction. It's how I work best-- it's when I feel in control of my life.

So, let's hurry and get a move on (literally) so I can Make The Changes I need to make.

Not Me Monday- Waterton

Alright peeps, it's Monday again. Time for Not Me Monday. hosted by someone, but I can't remember who started it seeing as so many other bloggers do it and we're all clearly sheep! :) So yay to whomever started Not Me Monday.

This weekend was NOT beautiful-- I love summerish weather.

Friday we did NOT celebrate LL's 8th birthday here at the house. 8th birthdays are big in the LDS faith-- it's the age when the child can decide to get baptised or not. She won't be getting baptised until later in the summer, and we'll have a bigger 'party' with family and friends at that point. But for now, we did the whole pizza/cake thing at the house. I did NOT invite Chris's girlfriend, Kay, to join us, and we met for the first time. It was NOT a nice visit, and she is NOT a lovely girl. I am NOT happy to have met her and her two children.

After saying goodbye to my monkeys, I did NOT drive down to Lethbridge where I did NOT hang with my brother and parents for the night. I did NOT need that. I miss Uncle Kannie, so I made him sing with me while I played the piano. Him and his girlface sang along- my piano skills are SLOWLY improving, so I enjoy playing for him to get more practice. It may also help that my mother has a baby grand, and who wouldn't want to play on it!? Visiting with my parents and having their undivided attention is rare in a family of 9 kids, so I was grateful for the LATE hours they spent with me, in spite of their need for sleep. (old people. Sheesh! ;) )

I then did NOT sleep in the basement, where it's like a cocoon... dark, and SILENT. I did NOT freak out when I woke up the next morning at 11!!!!!! I was supposed to be out helping Will paint the Prince of Wales Hotel an hour away... and I hadn't eaten or dressed, and wasn't even showered yet! OUCH. As I'm contemplating my time to get there vs. the shower, I skip breakfast all together, dress, and rush out the door. The good thing is that Will and I are NOT being good and keeping our physical relationship down to holding hands or kissing like 'gramma', so me not showering is a good reason for him to have to stay a safe distance away from me! lol But I tell ya, if he called me gramma one more time... somebody gonna get a hurt real bad! I swear, I was getting a saggy-boob complex!

I did not rush to Waterton, where...*hangs head in shame* I did NOT get a speeding ticket. I SOOOOOOO can not afford a ticket right now, so I was totally unimpressed! And the cop was hot, and yet, I still couldn't get out of that one! Saggy boob complex exponentially increased! (haha, kidding. mostly)

After arriving in Waterton, I did NOT enjoy painting with Will. He is NOT talented at what he does, and didn't even get angry with me when I messed up his paint job like, a bagillion times. You know he loves me when I can mess up so brutally! It was fun on the lift, way up high. But man, it was windy!

A few hours later, we went back to town, showered the paint out of my eyes and the stink off the rest of me, changed, dropped in at a wedding reception, and then headed out to Lethbridge again for some Japanese dinner. I do NOT enjoy doing that as it totally brings me back to my days in Japan. Then we did NOT have a visit with my parents again, and I did NOT receive advice, support, and a blessing from my father. My parents do NOT give good advice, and it was NOT wonderful.

Sunday was church. I don't know how, but I TOTALLY did NOT gimp-up my knee one night last week, and walking in heels SUCKED! And, lemme just add, that walking in flats is not an option--- I LOVE heels. And these ones are way cute, so NO, I would *not* be wearing anything else. It's painful being this beautiful, but I guess I'll suffer! ;P

Sunday afternoon after a yummy fish dinner, we did NOT go with Will's parents (and niece) to Waterton again for a picnic and some pictures.

Seeing Will was NOT exactly what I needed to get out of my funk from last week. It fills my 'love tank', and I always hate driving away. And, he'll be busy painting again for the next weekend or five, and I'm poor.. so who knows when we'll see each other again. Long distance does NOT suck.

Ex-tra Tough.

Chris's Ex:

• sometimes has a hard time defining for herself what her role is in his new life. Friend? Confidante? Sounding board? This is only efficient when the issue of conversation doesn't revolve around how much he hates having an ex. Or being divorced. Because, when that type of stuff emerges from his mouth, oddly enough, his Ex doesn't really want to hear it. And seldom cares.
• Doesn't miss him. Doesn't want him back. Worries that maybe she should have shed a tear or two this weekend when she knew her divorce was 100% finished, but honestly doesn't feel even the slightest bit remorseful or lugubrious.
  
• Is thankful for that.
  
• has a few scars still needing to heal from completely, mostly centred around trust and fidelity and body-image. A bit of 'baggage' she's still sorting through and getting ready to 'check' at the nearest baggage-claim. However, she's doing a pretty good job, if she says so herself. And is thankful for a boyfriend who understands.
• found it interesting that Chris felt threatened by her new boyfriend's interactions with their daughter. Not because he's worried about Will or who he is, but because he's worried that his bond with LL will be severed if LL's bond with Will increases. He feels like he's losing his 'job' as Dad. His Ex tried to remind him that the goal is (and always has been) to remember that they're not 'breaking up LL's family', they're just adding more people to it. That more people who love her is only a good thing for everyone. Chris knows this, but his insecurities got the better of him.
• found it more interesting that his next comment centred around her possibly moving away. And that she would never understand how that thought could and currently DOES hurt him. She reminded him that she DOES try to understand, (with her boyfriend's help,) and she's working on easing that pain in him with further sympathies. And had to state the obvious-- that he knew she wouldn't stay in this house forever. And would/could move away for school.
  
• then had to tell Chris that he's confiding in the wrong person. And felt mean for saying it, but reminded him that that's the nature of the divorce. Sometimes it sucks. And he was lucky he and she had such a great relationship, because he knows darn well that his Ex could be a bag about everything and he'd see his kids MUCH less than he does. But asked him to talk to his current girlfriend about such insecurities, because his Ex really can't help him fix his issues in any way. And, in this instance, doesn't really want to.
• is a lot mad that he lost her garage door opener somewhere on the road when he came to the house this weekend (while she was with her boyfriend) to pick up his motorcycle. He put the garage door opener in his backpack, and lost it. His Ex feels a bit insecure in her own home now-- and knows it's not likely that her safety is at risk, but still doesn't appreciate the feeling that it COULD be. When she complained to him about that feeling (in her slightly angry tone) he told her to call a repair guy and get quotes and find out how much it will cost to change the code and get another opener and set up the appointment and he'll pay the bill. She is more annoyed that she has to do the 'hard' work with all the phoning. :(

Will's Girlfriend:

• is learning that dating someone with an Ex is tough. It's not like before, when her previous boyfriends had Exes that didn't 'stick around' once they started dating. No, these post-marital Exes have a need (and a right) to be around all. the. time. Being an Ex herself, she also remembers that there are children involved who need stability and both parents. She only has a hard time with TWO Exes. Sometimes she has moments of anger or bitterness, moreso with regards to the Exes of Will's than her OWN Ex who hurt her so badly! Dating someone with prominent Exes isn't easy. Even though she encourages him to embrace his feelings for them, still sometimes feels like she's trying to fill shoes she can't quite officiate.
• doesn't like feeling inadequate.
• was probably asked 10 times in the past week if she would or was planning to move to his hometown. And had a realtor try to 'sell her' a home when she was there this weekend. She did entertain the thought, seeing as how much she hates not being near Will. Isn't opposed to the idea, and in fact believes that someday she WILL end up further south, but she knows the timing isn't right just yet. And yesterday she looked at houses on MLS in his area... but she's not so sure that small-town living is what she wants. Beside that, she's DEFINITELY not sure that small-MORMON-town living is what she can HANDLE! Trust her, there's a whole other subculture in that town with it's own set of 'rules' and expectations. It's a bit nuts!
• kinda hopes that Will will move to HER city someday, but also DOESN'T want that because he's got a good job and clientele where he is currently living and would feel kinda bad for making him uproot all his security there just to be near her. And would worry that, if he were around more, he'd see more of her pathetic life and run in the opposite direction as fast as his hot legs could take him! ;)
• (speaking of running) LOVE LOVE LOVED going for a 5 mile run with him the other day in and around his town. Loved that he didn't get annoyed with her being so slow. Loved the thought of doing that each night together if they lived in the same area.
• Did NOT love when he ran behind her just so he could watch her butt. Ew.
  
• DID love that he loved watching her butt.

(You know he truly loves her butt when he thinks THIS would make a good picture! lol)

• Totally loved when he couldn't catch up to her at the end 'sprint' around the temple.
  
• Is thankful for her mother's Cross Country training! ;)
• Still thinks he's pretty awesome.

A post of pictures

(My google is wierd and won't let me read all your posts from my weekend away. So, lemme know if anything monumental happened. :P )

My Easter Weekend was fantastic.

It was a great time to spend with my wonderful in-laws.

*Out making a fire:
*Easter Sunday in their new Easter Dresses and Bear's new suit. (technically, it was Saturday, as we did our big dinner that day because we had to travel on Sunday)

And if anyone tries to tell me how much of a bad mother I am, I'm so ready to open a can of something on their sorry butts!

I know, I haven't blogged a whole lotta anything lately.

So here it is. A long one. Be warned. And it's also slightly venting- so, skip ahead to the comments and leave some non-related lovely thoughts because I'm in a blahghgh mood and wouldn't want to ruin your otherwise happy day should you read this horrible monologue.



I had bad-mom night. I kinda had bad-day yesterday in general.

First off, it started off perfectly fine. In truth, it was AWESOME. I took three kids to the passport office, highly anticipating a long couple-hour wait in a line of decrepits. (no clue why I think only scary, dirty people go to passport offices-- just some stupid ignorant thought I have. Don't tell me I'm ignorant. I know)

Lucky for me, I walked right into the office, the ONLY person there. I was in and out of that government building within 5 minutes. Which is sweet, because as I walked out, 5 different people walked in. Of course, they were all regular people decrepits. And I'm sure I was minutes away from catching West Nile or something airborne. (It's my story. I'm gonna go with it my way.)

But, that was the end of my daily allotment for good things.
I did not find a specific item I was looking for to give to Will for his birthday next week. Looked in three different stores. Have bought it before. Annoyed that it is now 'MIA'. So, I'm taking suggestions for gifts for the most awesome dude ever, whom I've dated for a little over 2 months, and whom I plan to date for a long time. Let's add sentimental, not too cheap, but not ridiculous either. You know. That type of gift. Let the ideas flow.

And I miss Will. He's gone on vacation until next week... and going from talking EVERY DAY FOR 2 MONTHS TO NOTHING IS SUPER SUCKY STUPID SAD HARD, (albeit healthy- I don't want to hear that) TO DO!

I got the kids lunch, and then a phone call came from Sin. She's sick lately, and it worries me a lot. So, I packed up the monkeys and headed downtown, and tried to navigate downtown with construction and one-way traffic. I'm not good at that. Although, I found humour as I turned the wrong-way up a one-way street, where the construction lady looked sideways at me, like I was some person in line at the Passport office on crack! (I was safely behind a barrier, waiting for Sin, it's not like I inadvertently turned that way! I'm not THAT bad of a driver, seriously) But I get a little flustered driving downtown, rush hour or not. Not to mention the downed power line that had a 4-lane road down to ONE LANE! Fetcher who hit the power line is lucky the cops were there-- I woulda busted a cap in his butt. Let's imagine the power line didn't fall on it's own (there were no other cars or people there to blame).

The kids didn't nap, so once I was back home, they were all ready to gash out their eyeballs. And one had thrown up on herself in the car. Funtimes.

Then, a new baby arrived (just for the day) and screamed his head off. THREE HOURS OF SCREAMING!! THREE BLINKING HOURS!! I tried feeding him, I tried distracting him, I tried holding him. I tried everything. It got to my breaking point, where I simply put him in a playpen just so I could close the door for a few minutes before I tried again. Serenity Now.

LL called from the school, wanting to come home 1/2 hour earlier because of a headache. AS IF. Suck it out, buttercup. She loses her temper with me on the phone, and I explain that I dont' have enough seat belts for the 8 kids I have at the house to come get her anyways.

She gets home and immediately starts complaining about how I shoulda picked her up, griping and talking incredibly rudely to me. I suggest taking a nap to see if she feels better. She decides to play outside.

I had an 'evening out' planned. But my hair appointment cancelled. Instead, I was gonna go for a run or something.

I made dinner.
Chris arrived. He informs me that he forgot his volleyball stuff, and will be taking the kids shopping for shorts instead of bathing them and doing their homework.

So, when he returned, they were barely bathed (thank goodness for that) but it was 10 minutes to bedtime. And LL had a letter from her teacher about her homework. And it was yet to be done. And Bear didn't get his done either.

I am at my end.
It is past bedtime.
It is an HOUR PAST BEDTIME!
LL is screaming at me that I won't do her homework for her. That I don't love her to help her... Bear is taking his piddly time getting his own stuff done.

I call the homework to cease, and we have family prayer. LL doesn't join in. She pouts instead. We start without her, and she pouts harder. FINE. JOIN THEN! She joins, and gets into bed, SCREAMING! I give kisses, and walk out the bedroom door. No song tonight-- I'm definitely not in the mood for a lullaby over top of a screamfest.

SHE SCREAMED FOR 15 MINUTES!! like, scream, banshee-esque.

I had enough. I went into her room, told her to stop. She screamed at me. I yelled back. *hear the snap, yet?* I tell her I don't like the way she's treated me tonight. Don't like the way that, when I tried to help her, she got angry and refused to let me help. Told her I didn't like her very much right now.

her little heart broke audibly, as she reiterated between huge sobs, "You don't like me?"

GRRR. Bad mom moment.
"no, I don't. You're not a nice girl right now. you've hurt my feelings all day, and I'm a regular person. Sometimes I'm a mom. And I always love you. But after a whole day of you treating me poorly, and having my feelings hurt all day, I stop being a mom and just become a "Debbi". And right now, Debbi wants to go in her room and be alone."

Ensue tears on both sides.
"you don't love me, Mom?"

my heart breaks as I realize that THIS moment will be one she will likely hold tight to, the way I held tight to certain things my mother said to me in her own 'non-mom' moments when I was a child.

"I'll always love you. You are my pride and joy. I would die for you. I would do anything you asked. I love you with everything I am."

"Then why won't you sing for me?"

"Because singing to you is a gift. And I don't want to give you that gift right now. I'm too sad to give anything else to anyone today. I need to be alone now."

....
I walk away. Took a shower. Cried.

Started missing having a Dad in the home. Not Chris. But a Dad in general-- someone who could take over when Mom is tired. When Mom is losing it, they come in and let Mom hide out in the shower. They would have interfered before I got to the whole "you don't love me, mom?" moment!

In fact, I was angry at Chris, so it wasn't like I was missing him. Because of his stupidity and forgetfulness, the kids' routine was ruined that night. And angry, that because he gets to walk in and out of their day as he pleases, and I'm left with the tornado aftermath. He doesn't 'do' homework. He doesn't get the letters from the teacher. He doesn't deal with the kids being overtired because they didn't get it done earlier. He doesn't have to wake them early to finish it, and still make sure they're on the bus on time, pulling teeth the entire morning. He doesn't deal with their attitudes. Daddy's time is always rainbows and unicorns and all that crap.

Went to go double check the locks on the doors downstairs, where a little voice, cracking, called out my name as I shut the bedroom doors. "Mom?"

"yes, huney."

"My eyes hurt. I am not happy."

"I know sweetheart. Go to sleep. We are tired. I love you"


I hate bad days.

Out Of The Mouths of Babes

1. What is something Mom always says to you?
LL: Not to be mean to everyone
Mimi: Jesus Makes our bodies nice
Bear: Do your homework

2. What makes Mom happy?
LL: listening to what she has to say
Mimi: Laugh
Bear: Cleaning my room

3. What makes Mom sad?
LL: hurting other people's feelings
Mimi: When make blood
Bear: that she lost Daddy

4. How does your Mom make you laugh?
LL: pulling her pants down a little bit, and pulling up her underwear
Mimi: Tickle Me
Bear: Being silly

5. What was your Mom like as a child?
LL: sucked her thumb
Mimi: cry like a baby (*insert crying fists on eyes here)
Bear: funny

6. How old is your Mom?
LL: 28
Mimi: 4
Bear: 28

7. How tall is your Mom?
LL: 2.5 feet
Mimi: Big big big
Bear: I don't know

8. What is Mom's favorite thing to do?
LL: talking on the phone
Mimi: go to work
Bear: clean the house

9. What does your Mom do when you're not around?
LL: Watch over dayhome kids
Mimi: walk away
Bear: watch dayhome kids

10. If your Mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
LL: because she's a good singer
Mimi: for walking far away, far away
Bear: I don't know

11. What is your Mom really good at?
LL: wiping Mimi's butt
Mimi: going happy
Bear: cleaning the house

12. What is your Mom not very good at?
LL: fixing the washer
Mimi: Peoples
Bear: wiping Mimi's butt (har har)

13. What does your Mom do for a job?
LL: Watching Dayhome kids
Mimi: go to work
Bear: Watches Dayhome kids

14. What is your Mom's favorite food?
LL: Pizza
Mimi: Cheese Balls
Bear: Pineapple

15.What makes you proud of your Mom?
LL: how she helps me
Mimi: Happy
Bear: I don't know

16. If your Mom was a cartoon character who would she be?
LL: Beauty (and the beast)
Mimi: a person
Bear: Cinderella

17. What do you and your Mom do together?
LL: laugh a lot
Mimi: family prayers
Bear: play

18. How are you and your Mom the same?
LL: our hair
Mimi: we're both big
Bear: I don't know

19. How are you and your Mom different?
LL: I don't have pierced ears
Mimi: nose and hair
Bear: I don't have glasses

20. How do you know your Mom loves you?
LL: gives me hugs
Mimi: outside in the temple (yah, no clue, but that was her answer)
Bear: kissing me

Keep it in Perspective

I feel like I've been 'away' for a long time-- no blogging in my life is CRAZY!

Thankfully, I have a quiet house now, as spring break is over and I'm back to routine. Whatever that is in my world! We only have 4 kids today-- *relief* So blogging resumes.

I wish I also had something more entertaining to talk about- just seems like every weekend comes and goes and all I can talk about is how awesome my time spent with Will was. Which is TOTALLY true, only slightly monotonous for the rest of ya'll.Will and I in the snow in front of the Cardston Temple

LL found out from Will's niece about how we are dating. So, she came up to me the other day and let me know how she felt about what was said. It was exactly as the separation course had said it would be according to her age-- she was very worried that, if I got remarried, she'd lose her Dad. Or that she'd have to share a room with more people. Or other things that a child would worry about ("STEP" parent has an evil aura to it because of Disney. thanks a lot, Walt!) It was a good, grown-up conversation just between her and I. And I reminded her of her father's love (both FATHERS) and of the bond that will never change.

I talked to Chris about it. Although it's not our 'plan' to wait the three months before introducing the kids to people we're dating, this was slightly out of our hands. So we deal with it and progress.

He had a talk with her a little later while I was away.
And said things I was so touched by. He told her of his love for her (obviously), but also told her how, if I remarried someone, we'd be a team of three, instead of just a team of two. He told her that she'd probably really like Will, and that she should get to know him. He helped her think of questions to ask him when she saw him next, helped her find something positive about Will that Chris doesn't have. LL said that she liked that Will would come to church with us every week, and Chris replied in a great way. "I'm happy you have something special with Will! That is very nice, and you can share that with him, just for the two of you. Just like you and I have special things just for us, it's okay to have special things with Will too." Chris impresses me with his 'big picture' attitude and I am sooo grateful for the divorce that we have. As much as I feel slightly ridiculed for it sometimes, I would have it no other way. It works for me. It works for Chris. And because of that, I know it will work for our kids-- they will be loved, safe, and supported.

So, this weekend, LL 'got to know' Will. Asked the questions. And by the end of the weekend, she wouldn't stop touching him-- hugging, climbing... whatever! (She's a Physical Touch person) I enjoyed watching her bond to him in a new way, her eyes slightly more openned to the possibility of having Will around for me and 'us', and not just as the uncle to her friend.

Bear bonds really well to Will. Which I mentioned before. But Mimi bonded to Will a LOT this weekend- now that he feels like he can actually interact with the kids on a more personal level, it makes a difference, I think. And Will's kids are too easy to get along with, they're fantastic.

"B-Ray", Mimi, "Grace" and LL watching Flight Of The Navigator

And the kids played. And cuddled. And got to know each other more and more. And all in all, my heart was touched many times this weekend. Little moments I hope to preserve and continue to make.

They're Pink, right?

I had a kickin' weekend. (does anyone even say that, or did I totally pull a "Mom" and use words I THINK are cool when they're really not?!) Nonetheless, I had a great time with friends, and, sadly, have not ONE picture.

Spending the entire weekend with Sin and her family was awesome. Friday night, we went out to the grocery store with my three monkeys, buying food... oh, and she supported my abuse on my children in the parking lot. That's always a good friend to have! :)

I spent Saturday morning cleaning, doing laundry, cooking food and cutting fruit, just general "stuff" to get ready for the rest of the weekend. Sin's son, who's the same age as LL, was getting baptized, so it was a special day.

Will arrived (Will is Sin's brother, for those who didn't catch that before. Did I even mention that before? Whatever) with his four kids, and he and I took them all to the wavepool/water park.

Um. Go back and read that.
Will and I took SEVEN kids to the wavepool!!!!!!!!!!
Yep. There were moments where I just looked at Will with that, "uh, what were we thinking" look. I may have also done the "I'm so nervous/ I've gone crazy" laugh. I can't remember. I probably blocked out that trauma! On a Saturday, at the pool with every other every-other-weekend parent. Yep. Good times.

Now, Will's kids are older (9-15 yrs old range), and they can swim. LL, on the other hand, CAN NOT. She's like a fish. That drowns. LOVES the water, but sinks to the bottom. Thankfully she didn't drown too badly, and I was able to (somewhat) let go a bit of my motherly fear and let her drown in peace spread her wings.

Bear, my little scaredy cat, had the lifejacket on. Although, he was lucky at times to get more wet than just his ANKLES! He is a fun kid. And clings to Will in a way that surprises both me and Sin. (of course, the men wouldn't notice, but Sin knows Bear, and knows that him clinging to ANYONE is rare). It touches my heart to watch Bear timidly overcome some of his fears. Do NOT ask me about how he 'overcame' his fear of public speaking.... yah. He had to give a scripture in Primary, and refused to get dressed for church because of it. Then, guess who had to give it ANYWAYS?!... yep. Cuz I LOVE speaking into a microphone that's 3 feet from the floor while I crouch down in my skirt with a whiny child beside me, trying to disappear on my lap and somewhat pushing me over so I land showing everyone my underwear my son. Although, Sunday, EVERYONE in my driveway (including Will, his 15 yr old son, and.. wait for it...Will's FATHER AND MOTHER) saw my underwear when the wind carried my puffy skirt up to my neck Marilyn Monroe style. yah. Good impressions die hard. nothin' like flashing everyone my pink camouflage undies to say, "look at the type of girl your son's interested in!"

Oh yah, the pool.
MIMI, bless her annoying terrorizing stubborn Wonderful three-year old heart, was not afraid in ANY way, shape or form of the water. She took off more times than I can count- trying to go down the big waterslide ALONE, trying to go down ANY waterslide alone. At one point, she took off and it was good I was right there to follow her quickly before she was half-way down the slide! She is a handful, but it's awesome.

So, aside from the baptism, some movie time, church, and a walk through the community, it was a great weekend with friends and friends' family.

Two Really Good Days In A Row?!

Yay for yesterday.

The papers got sent to the judge for our divorce. Which is scary, because if they don't like something, they send it back and it could take a long time getting everything 'perfect' for them. Or, he could reject our claim and enforce us to be separated for a year instead of the infidelity clause. Instead, we had stated a time on one page and had a half-hour difference on the other, so we have to fix that. And other than that, the judge says we're good to go. The clerks say they're running at about 6 weeks right now, so it's possible that within that period our divorce could be done. That'll be good to have it behind us.

Although there's so much other drama associated with yesterday, (money, Chris, friends) I'm gonna keep the gratitude attitude foremost instead.

I nearly finished laundry again-- a few loads today and I'm good for a bit. I LOVE that feeling.

Crockpot dinners are SOOOo underrated. When the last dayhome child had been picked up, having dinner already waiting was AWESOME! And tasty.

I finally took advantage of the +6 degrees and got outside. Putting LL and Bear on their bikes for the first time this year (and yes, that included a few pumps to a few wheels), I strapped Mimi into the jogging stroller and we went for a short (maybe 3 mile) run. Unfortunately, the sun was down and so all that melted snow had turned into black ice along the pathways. Bear only fell once while LL fell three times. It nearly caught ME on my butt once or twice too!! There was NO escaping it!! ahhhhh! But, I'll take it. Having the fresh air go in one ear and out the other (ha, thanks Auntie!) was just what I needed.

Home, homework done, bedtimes. They were so exhausted from the bike ride and fresh air, they fell asleep in record time. YAY.

I grabbed my "New Moon" book, started a hot bath, and made this:

Baked brie. It's my TOTAL indulgence ever since I made it at Christmas for the first time. Dangerous stuff, I tell you. THANKFULLY, when I run, I eat less. So I didn't eat the whole thing! ;) THIS time. :P

Read the book, took some time to read scriptures and spend a bit of MUCH NEEDED time on my knees, and hopped into a comfy bed. BEFORE 11 pm-- which hasn't happened much lately.

And it's Thousand Word Thursday. Here's my Thousand Word Picture:

So, today, I am having an "off" day. No TV (dayhome kids aside), no COMPUTER. No Music. No 'random' friendly phone calls. Because I have stuff I want to get done, and meditation to do. I need to work on me. I am looking forward to my off day. See ya'll tomorrow.

Six Word Saturday

My True Loves come in Threes.


.

(Bear, LL and Mimi, Valentines Day 2008)

Now What?

I am struggling with this.

I feel like 'failure Mom'. I don't know what's gone wrong in the process of raising my daughter, or what I should be doing that I'm not. What I've been blind to that everyone else sees, or that LL's been trying to tell me but I didn't listen properly.

I got a phone call yesterday from LL's teacher at school. First time the teacher has ever had to call me at home for a child, and I felt like *I* was the one in trouble. Which I was, technically.

This new school has strict policies on certain things. LL AND I have had to adjust our routines to more fully obey the new 'rules' and expectations. One being daily homework and reading. I mean, I encourage the homework, and in general we accomplish it. But we're not 100% (probably 95%) and every time she misses her homework assignment she gets a 'Homework Link' (aka: a note home that needs to be signed and returned). They're not a good thing to get, and once you get a certain amount, you're sent to the office for some consequences.

LL has received a few. Turns out, a few is all you need. Fair enough. *WE deserve them. Just as much as I'm responsible for being the mother and ensuring her work gets done, she needs to take responsibility for her homework too. They really stress responsibility here. Again, another reason we're happy with this school.

So, the phone call from her teacher was to talk about homework. But it turns out there's a lot of other issues.

LL doesn't know how to PLAY. She is a VERY VERY social child, and always has been. But she's bossy and extroverted. She's abrasive and sarcastic and opinionated. (ha, where's she get that from, hey?!~) She can make friends QUITE easily, but doesn't know how to play nicely in order to maintain friendships. So she's lonely.

The other week she sat down with Chris and I and told us how she hates her school and she's lonely and has no friends and hates the bus and the rules and doesn't feel, what she claimed, "comfortable" there. We talked with her about the issues, and tried to listen and feel empathetic to her. I tried to be responsive and non-judgemental. I tried to build our relationship instead of having her come to me and finding that she feels MORE lonely than she did before the talk. I tried to say what she needed to hear at that moment. And mostly, I just tried to listen without giving advice. (not easy for me)

Chris played 'bad cop' in the trio. He told her, with good intentions, to 'fight back' against people who were mean to her.
I play 'good cop' and try to remind her that she can be nice to people who aren't nice to her.

And in the end, I'm not sure anything was fixed.
So, frustrated and depressed and feeling like a loser-mom, I called my mother. She raised 9 kids-- she's GOT to have some sort of experience in these matters.

It was a great phone call. To get ideas and help, to turn to my mom the way LL turned to hers. I am taking the suggestions she gave me... looking for other 'loner' children to introduce to LL in hopes that the two of them will find the friendship in each other that they are missing on the playground. Mom also suggested I come to *you guys* with the same plea I asked her: what do I do? What do I say?

Well, the teacher's phonecall yesterday only made the situation more clear and pressing. Turns out LL has been 'bullying' another child in her class. Calling her names and such. Also turns out that LL has been teasing another girl who sits on the bus with her. When the principal got involved, she asked LL why she was being mean to the girl on the bus.

LL: because she is mean to me!
Principal: What does that look like?
LL: I don't know. We've just decided we're not going to be friends.
Principal: But, how is she mean to you? And why are you mean to her?
LL: She just says mean things. So I'm going to be mean to her because my Dad told me that I don't have to let people be mean to me!

Grrrrr. Chris and I had a long talk about that one. I didn't like his advice the day he gave it to her, but after yesterday's talk with the teacher, I'm realizing how much I REALLY don't like that advice. He frowned-- it was not his intention in telling her that for her to use it as a retaliation, but more as a defence. He didn't want her to be the one being 'bullied'. *(This whole "bully" word-- never existed when I was young. And I find it somewhat ridiculous in the way they make it worse...)

I then got to get ANOTHER phone call from the principal this time.
LL has bus issues. Homework issues. Social/playground issues. But let's not stop there:

Math Teacher: LL, seems like you've gotten a few homework slips from me lately!
LL: Oh well.
Math Teacher: LL, once you get 4 you have to be sent to the office.
LL: So? There's nothing you can do about it. I've only gotten three.

WHAT THE FENCE! She seriously said that to her teacher!!!!!! Obviously she got sent to the office. THANKFULLY her teachers are all INCREDIBLE. They all want her to achieve the potential they all know she possesses. They all know her sense of humour, they all know her strengths and weaknesses. I am SOOO grateful for teachers and faculty who are patient and willing to work WITH ME in making LL into a model student and a child that sets an example for others in the community. For people who work WITH THE PARENTS in dealing with issues.

We talked about life in our home. How LL behaves around people at home. How she sucks her thumb. EVERYTHING.

Now. We're trying to figure out how to nip this in the bud before it gets to a point of no return.

Homework first. That's up to me. It's one thing I CAN influence.
They moved her on the bus.
And, starting the new year, they'll be enrolling her in a course held by the school with specialist who work with socialization issues in children. She'll learn how to make friends, how to KEEP friends and how to BE a friend.

I just feel so helpless. Like I've failed somehow. And I don't know how or when or what to do now. Advice? Anecdotes? Anything? prefice to say, I know some people's replies will be about 'prayer' and asking God for help. I'm aware of that CONSTANT answer-- it's always there, and I don't forget that. I'm not really looking for that advice right now, as it's already known. I'm kinda searching for more 'tangible' ideas or advice... things I can physically DO or say or try to understand.

Maybe I Really Needed That Nap!

Yesterday.
Doorbell rings as I'm contemplating laying down on the couch for a little 'cat nap'. By the way, who came up with that phrase, "catnap". Seriously. If you've ever OWNED a cat, you know as well as I do that they don't NAP. They sleep. Everywhere. All the time. In annoying places. And, like Chris when Mimi yells at 2:30 in the morning " I'n DONE!!!" and needs someone to wake up to wipe her bum , there is no awakening the sleeping dead cat to get them to move out of the doorway. Like a furry, clawed draft-stopper.

Okay, back to topic of cat nap. Er. Mom nap. Let's be real. A Mom doesn't nap with both eyes closed. I always tried to get into things when Mom was "sleeping". And, magically, with her eyes still closed and her foot bouncing off the side of the cushion, you'd get the "Don't even think about it". And then she'd keep sleeping. *my mom bounces her foot to sleep. It's an endearing quality that makes me think my father probably couldn't fall asleep without that rhythmic bounce on the other side of the bed.

ANYWHOODLE,
the doorbell rings.
The Elders are there. They come in to warm up with some hot chocolate and stay for quite a while. They're awesome. It's then I am glad I ran in the AM, as they would have arrived to find me sweaty and half-dressed. Not exactly the look I need them to remember about coming to the Barber's home. ew.

Later, supper time.
Doorbell rings again.
Weird- we weren't expecting anyone.

Dayhome mom is standing there. They had an interview with me a few weeks back, and asked if they could start full-time for their child starting December 1st. And I agreed. December 1st came and went, and I didn't see hide nor hair of that child. no phone call. nothing. I didn't have their number yet, so I continued taking interviews and got a full dayhome without their child.

So, she's standing there, smiling. I'm standing there, surprised. Only 9 days later. ?????

She tells me she lost my number. Okay, that I can give her the benefit of doubt for.
She tells me her hubby got laid off. I gave her my sympathies, and she reassured me that it was no big deal as he found another one the next day. So, now I'm thinking, somehow I'm sure that matters to why they didn't contact me.
She asks me if I'll still take their child immediately.

For the first time in my entire dayhome life, I said no. I got a bad feeling about them. Kinda like the Crazy-dayhome mom from a few months back who walked away suddenly without paying me a whole months' worth.

I told her that I knew she knew where I lived, and she could have come over to tell me about it a LONG time ago. She could have looked me up in the phonebook. I told her (nicely) I needed more stability and respect than that from parents of the children I watch. And I told her that I was now full. Thankfully, I was able to fall back on that reason without ONLY sounding like a jerk.

But, my wrath was unfinished.
I went to pick up LL from Brownies. They have a sign-in/sign-out sheet where parents have to sign out their daughter before she's allowed to leave.

I'm waiting behind a few other parents, in line, waiting for the sheet to get to me. LL walks right out of the gym, to the front door, and nearly OUT the door. Doesn't see me at all. No leaders know she's out. No leaders are even at the door!!!!!

So, when I finally get to the front of the line, I sign her out, probably a full 2 minutes after LL walked out. I ask the lady (IN THE GYM) who's holding the sheet, "why do we have to sign them in and out?". She says for 'safety'. Oooooh, wrong answer, hun!! I lost it. I was near tears, as I explained to them how LL had been able to walk RIGHT OUT THE DOOR of the gym AND out to the outside doors, and no leaders were aware of her missing. Later, driving home, I thought it would have been better for me to sign her out and ask them where she was, just to freak them out. maybe then they'd be where I was! TOTALLY freaked. I talked to LL about leaving the gym without a parent, but seriously! THEN, I noticed that last week, she wasn't even signed out!!! I was in a meeting, and Chris had no car keys (they were accidentally with me), so he called my neighbour and sent her to get LL. She was a 'stranger' to the leaders, but they let her take LL home without signing her out, and without even stopping my neighbour!!!! They didn't call home, they didn't question it. nothing! Didn't even get a name! I was surprised, because a few weeks ago, a boy in Bear's Beaver colony WALKED home by himself one night. NOW they stand at the door, and parents are not allowed to leave without signing them out AND holding their hand. No boy goes out that door alone, unsigned. I hope the Brownie Leaders take that initiative, as I was pretty upset yesterday.

Yes, I am slightly still in 'my mood'. So that didn't help. Don't mess. -- I'm cranky!! ;(

Wednesday Tunes??

Technically, Tuesday was my tunes day. And Wednesday the Ws. But I've avoided the blogging-land for a few days. And I know you all noticed and were secretly dying a little inside. Yah. I know.

So, I'll share some tunes. And, if my friend with the carpet cleaner doesn't show up by the time I finish, I'll even share some 'life a la Debbi" with ya (ie: Chris' purchase of a shotgun, my birthday weekend, the sad passing of my dog...etc)

Tunes first:

• I am so in love with this song right now. Most have heard it on the Top 40, but in case you live in a bubble like I sometimes do, check it out:

Better In Time- Leona Lewis
And yes, I kinda think it feels like my single-life sometimes.

• And, a true classic Carol Burnett moment. She's a genious. This song makes me laugh- after running a dayhome, I find comfort in knowing that I do a much better job than she does! LOL And who cares that she's a fictional character and I'm not. That doesn't matter in my world! ;)

Little Girls- Carol Burnett
And yes, I kinda think it feels like my dayhome-life sometimes. :)

• I never saw Return to Neverland (Peter Pan 2) but in searching an artist I like (Jonatha Brooke) I found this song.
  

I'll Try- Jonatha Brooke (and don't listen to the Jesse McCartney version, it's not half as good!)
And, you guessed it, yes, I kinda think it feels like my spiritual-life sometimes.

• My other new song, which, again, is on the Top 40. It's one of those ones I can listen to over and over and over and over... you get the point. I'm not even a big fan of Alicia Keys, (talented, yes, but some of her songs bug me) but yah, this one is good.

No One- Alicia Keys
And, believe it or not, this one kinda reminds me of my love-life lately.

Love life.

ready for the lowdown?
(please, friend, bring me the carpet cleaner NOW. Before I spill my gutts... Now...
Now....
???
No such luck. )
Alright, here goes.

Love life is so good right now.
I'm dating this new guy who is simply amazing me. Sounds ridiculous, but he is sooo attentive of my needs. He is doing things I would have normally had to ask my ex to do, but this new guy just does them. Without asking. And it's so refreshing.
He's hot. He's sexy. And he is totally into me, and tells me all the time that I'm beautiful and tells me how much he thinks I'm amazing. He tells me things my ex never said. He touches me so kindly-- helps me ALL the time with stuff around the house. (although, I DID put the latest Mighty in the trash all by myself-- props to me. Holla!)
He's patient with the way I raise my kids. The way I keep the house. He never criticizes me or my job. He supports every decision I'm making lately, and most times, is standing there beside me when I make them. He's so smart and is WAY more humble than Chris ever was! He finds me smart, he finds me caring.
He is sooo good with the kids, and they totally love him. He has a job he loves. He is SOOOO different from my ex. So, although dating him freeks me out, I have nothing bad to say so far.

He took me on a date for my birthday. As a total surprise. Just said, "find a sitter" and that was that.

We went to Banff. And, by the way, I absolutely LOVE Banff.

Lucky for me, *auntie* Kannie agreed to stay at the house to watch the kids. They miss her, since Uncle doesn't live here anymore (not to mention how they broke up... so not the point) and she misses them, so it was nice to have her back. Couldn't ask for a better person to watch the kids-- she knows them, she knows their 'routines', and to top it off-- she knows where the cups are kept in the kitchen! lol

We got to Banff, and he took me out for Sushi. It sucked! The sushi wasn't really good, surprisingly, since the Fairmont does EVERYTHING really well. And we both like Sushi, so that was slightly a let down.
No matter. We went and got ready for the night, and took off to a local pub to watch the Calgary Flames' game. And ate greasy calamari and spinach dips and all that.
After the game, we walked across the street (isn't there only one street in Banff anyways?! lol)
to the local nightclub, Aurora.
It was DEAD at 10:30 when we arrived, aside from a bachellorette party, a few random people, the token two chicks (who can't dance) trying to get their groove on on the dance floor--to no avail, and another stag party in two separate corners.

Funny sidenote: the stag guys were all dressed in ponchos and sombreros and fake mustaches. Was the funniest thing ever. Silly boys were drinking Tequilla, which the bartender told me tasted like Pooh in a cup. mmmmm sounds delightful, I'm sure.

I went to the bathroom, and in the two minutes I was in there, my date had three girls surrounding him! I kinda stayed back, my insecurities getting the better of me. I didn't know what to do! He turned around, and saw me, and motioned for me to come over. I figured he maybe knew them.
Turns out he didn't, but they were the girls from the bachelorette party, on a mission to buy 'the hottest guy in the bar' a drink. Yep. And he was with me. yay. Eat your hearts out, girls! ;) (who cares that one of you is getting married in a few days)

Anyways. I forgot how much I love dancing. I mean, I KNOW I love dancing. But I forgot just how much! Seriously. Favourite thing almost ever! I'd dance over ANY other physical activity. (har har, you dirty minds can also take that as a "yes, even that!") No. Seriously. dancing is life.
We were there until the bar closed at 2:30! dancing the ENTIRE time! LOVE!!!!! Well, *I* danced the entire time. He danced with me a bit, and then sat back and watched me dance with a look of admiration in his eye that fed my ego.

Sunday was good too-- Daylight savings was working WITH me, and I had an EXTRA hour of COMPLETELY uninterrupted sleep. no kids. no phone. Nothing!!! ahhhh, heaven!

We went to the brunch in the Fairmont. By the way-- best brunch EVER. Ever. period! Sooo worth it. But make sure you make the reservations ahead of time, as it's busy busy!!
We went shopping at the Christmas store, but was slightly disappointed in the fact that they didn't have many village peices out yet. (that's my main 'thing' I go to that store to check out!)
And then I trekked over, hand in hand with my hot date, to the candy store to pick up candy only they sell. Seeing as it was packed COMPLETELY to the door, I declined waiting in line for the 2$ candy I was buying. I can go back when it's quieter.

Then I came home.

How does the weekend get any better than that? :)

Chris' purchase of shotgun:
During dinner on Monday, LL had TWO, yes, TWO boys call her on the phone. Which, of itself, was shocking, because she's NEVER had friends call her. But this was BOYS!! I asked her who these boys were, and the sparkle in her eye worried me. Then, ever-so-smugly almost, she replies, "oh, he's just my GOOD friend". And smiled.
Oh geez~ she's only 7. I'm in for it!! Please, tell me this is as bad as it gets! Please, somebody?! let me live in that bubble for a few more years!
Cuz, seriously, when I was 7, my best friend was also a boy. But I NEVER thought romantically about him. Not once. Derek and I just hung out. Simple. We had sleep-overs and everything was on the level.
Now I feel old, as I think, "my, how things have changed since *I* was that age". Pull out the Geritol, Gramsy!

And lastly, on a sad note, my dog, Simba, passed away last night. He lived a LOT of years for even a dog, so although it's sad, he was old and that's the circle of life. I got that dog after asking my parents for him back when I was 14. He was just a rambuncious puppy back then. I haven't lived with him for many years now, as he lived with my parents. But he was a great dog, and will be missed.