Don't Dress Like a Boy Magnet

Radio Script for July 3, 2008

“Don't Dress Like a Boy Magnet”

Hello, I’m Doug Apple…with Apples of Gold.

Don’t dress like a boy magnet.

“But I want to be a boy magnet!”Oh, you better think about that. Start by thinking about this: what percentage of the male population are you trying to attract? Probably a very tiny percentage, right? After all, you’re not trying to attract the dirty old men, are you? You’re not trying to attract the losers and abusers. I’m going to guess that the only guys you want to attract are the guys that you are attracted to. I bet you’re not trying to attract any unwanted attention from guys you aren’t attracted to. So really, it’s a very small percentage of the male population you are trying to attract, so don’t dress like you’re trying to attract them all.

So how many do you want to attract? This is important. I hope your answer is…one. If you are a single Christian female, then the most you should be trying to attract is one, and that would be your future husband who will become your one and only. And what kind of husband do you want? A strong Christian, I hope. A good, godly man with high principles and strong morals. If this is the kind of husband you want, then how should you attract him? First Peter 3 talks about how women should make themselves beautiful. It’s not their hair or their clothes or their jewelry that makes them so attractive. Instead it’s what’s inside, their holiness, their gentleness, their peace, their hope in God.

If you want to attract a godly man, then you must be a godly woman. You need to work on your inner qualities and your walk with God. And with that comes a de-emphasis on your outward appearance.“Yes, Doug, I want a good Christian husband someday. But I want to be attractive. Is there anything wrong with that?”I think you need to drill down and see what your motivation is. Does it make you feel good to get the boys’ attention? Is your self esteem riding on this? Is that why you dress like a boy magnet?Now think this through. If this is what makes you feel good about yourself, then what will you do when you are married? After a while, many women fall back into the rut of making themselves feel good by attracting the boys’ attention – even though they are married. And what will you do when you get older and lose your attractive edge? Some women panic with those first signs of old age. That’s why you see mothers and grandmothers dressing like boy magnets. Their self esteem hinges on grabbing the boys’ attention. This is a rotten place to get your self esteem. It’s fleeting. It’s never really there. You are always chasing it but never really catching it. The problem is that it’s like a drug. It feels so good to snag the attention of an attractive member of the opposite sex. It gives you a high that can last all day. Then like other highs, once it wears off you need another one. And to get it – now listen – to get it, what will you be willing to do? Will you wear your clothes a little tighter? Skirts a little shorter? Tops a little racier? What will you do to attract the boys?

Now let’s talk about the attention you are getting. When you dress like a boy magnet, what you are attracting is the eyes of the boys. They are looking at your body. Or let me say this, they are looking at your body parts. If you wear tight jeans, they are looking at your rear end. If you wear short skirts, they are looking at your legs, and on and on. Now don’t get too excited, thinking they are looking at you. They are not really looking at you. They are looking at your parts. Listen, they may love your chest, but they may not like you at all. This is not what you want, is it? It’s demeaning. It’s depersonalizing. So think about it. You dress like a boy magnet to draw the attention of the boys, which makes you feel good about yourself. But in reality, they aren’t even thinking about you as a person. They are just enjoying the display. It could be anyone.

So if you think you want to be a boy magnet, you need to think it through. I don’t think it’s going to bring the results you want.If your goal is to attract a good, godly husband, then dressing like a boy magnet is not the way to do it. Instead, work on your inner qualities, such as your holiness and your walk with God.

“But Doug, if I don’t dress to attract, I’m afraid I won’t attract anyone.”

Let’s go back to First Peter chapter 3. Verse 6 says you should “do what is right and do not give way to fear.”Yes, I think it’s a legitimate fear to think you might miss out on attracting a good husband. But do what is right, and don’t give way to fear. You don’t have to dress like a little “hottie” to attract a godly man. In fact, I think a godly man will disrespect that. It’s more likely to repel than attract. And you know what? A man doesn’t want to be married to a boy magnet. When a man marries, he wants you to himself. He doesn’t want to share you with the rest of the male population. So think this through, and pray about it. What are your goals? What is your motivation? When you get to the bottom of it, I think you’ll find that it doesn’t have any good long term effects. It’s just not a good plan to dress like a boy magnet.

Comments? E-mail me: dougapple@wave94.com. May God bless you today! With Apples of Gold…I’m Doug Apple.© 2008 The Arrow’s TipTo subscribe to your own daily “Apples of Gold” e-mail, write dougapple@wave94.com.If you want to be removed from this e-mail list, simply click reply and type UNSUBSCRIBE on the subject line.If you want to catch “Apples of Gold” in its original audio format, go to www.wave94.comTo search through the large archive of past articles, go here: http://www.wave94.com/modules.php?name=Stories_ArchiveIf you have trouble reaching me at my main e-mail address, try this one: douglas_apple@msn.com(Proverbs 25:11 – “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.”)Why “The Arrow’s Tip”? Each morning, after diligently seeking the Lord, I write Apples of Gold. Then before I release it to the public I pray one final prayer, “Lord, send forth your arrows.” I envision Apples of Gold as arrows, tips dipped in the river of the water of life that flows from the throne of God (Rev. 22:1), sailing toward the hearts and minds of men and women around the world.Doug AppleGeneral Manager - Wave 94 Christian Radio for TallahasseePO Box 4105Tallahassee, FL 32315(850) 926-8000

How To Do It Right. Marriage.

I married young and unprepared. Then, I divorced young and still was unprepared. With a clearer view I remarried a few years later. Eleven and one-half years have passed and we are still married. As we have raised our little girl I often wondered how to teach her how to have a proper courtship and for choosing a spouse. I wanted her to have an even clearer view and to be much more prepared. I realized that I still did not have all the answers.

Many years ago an old friend of mine had made mention the reason for a decision that her and her fiancé had made for delaying marriage. She had said that they wanted to do it right. At the time I took it personally, realizing that she had compared my mistakes to that of her own concerns for making the right decisions for herself. What is right? I understood what she had been saying. She had meant to finish college and get a good job. Be stable and prepared. These are all good things. Since then I have pondered what “right” really means from an eternal perspective rather than one from a worldly view. What is right in the eyes of my Heavenly Father and how can I teach that to my daughter?

For many years I defined “right” to mean marring a man in the Temple who was fulfilling his priesthood responsibilities. Besides teaching her gospel standards, the Law of Chastity and purity, that was it. I could not think of anything else. Finally, one day my daughter cut me off while reminding her of this criteria and she mentioned that I need not worry because she would not even be dating anyone outside of the Church. I was stunned. I had not even thought of that. So, I changed the criteria to include members only. I even found quotes from church leaders to substantiate the importance of this choice. Even a Young Women lesson that focused on Dating Decisions

For the Strength of Youth says this about dating: “Because dating is a preparation for marriage, date only those who have high standards, who respect your standards, and in whose company you can maintain the standards of the gospel of Jesus Christ” (p. 7). And President Gordon B. Hinckley has said: “Your chances for a happy and lasting marriage will be far greater if you will date those who are active and faithful in the Church” (Ensign, Nov. 1981, 41).

President Spencer W. Kimball counseled: “Do not take the chance of dating nonmembers, or members who are untrained and faithless. … One cannot afford to take a chance on falling in love with someone who may never accept the gospel (The Miracle of Forgiveness, 241–42; italics added)…. If you date someone who doesn’t hold high standards, the romantic feelings you may develop for that person could pressure you to compromise your standards. Temple marriage should be your goal. If you avoid dating situations where you may feel pressure to compromise your standards—even if it means postponing dating—the Lord will bless you.

The world has quite a different point of view than the teachings we have taught our daughter. In For Strength of Youth Pamphlet youth are admonished to maintain sexual purity. I remember an experience that was pivotal in my view for criteria in preparing for marriage.

While attending a marriage ceremony in the Salt Lake Temple the officiator commented after the newlyweds kissed that we had witnessed their first ever kiss! I had never, until that point, heard of such a thing. I pondered that for years. John Bytheway spoke candidly about this in his talk “What Do Kisses Mean?” he shares “Remember, before you are married, you will be more respected and more attractive for the affection you withhold than for the affection you give.” While President Spencer W. Kimball asks “What do kisses mean when given out like pretzels and robbed of sacredness?”

In his talk “Standards Night Live” John Bytheway teaches that youth show their future spouse how much they are loved by how they behave long before they are married. By saving themselves, even to the point of avoiding the simplest act of affection, they show their love for their future spouse while still in their youth. I have learned that part of the “right” for marriage is through our actions during the many years preceding the wedding.

The next question I had was the timing of the marriage. Since I had married at the young age of eighteen years I wanted my own daughter to have a little more time. That seemed that it should fit in the grand scheme of doing it right. She wants to serve a mission and would need to be at least twenty-one years old before she can serve in that capacity. This would mean she would still be single and then after eighteen months of serving she would return home almost twenty-three years old. I felt that was a safe age to marry. Then, I came across the following advice from church leaders that changed that goal from a determined quest that of keeping an open mind.

In the home a young girl can understand that her primary role is to be a wife and mother. Yet as that preparation unfolds there may be an opportunity to serve a full-time mission, provided recent counsel of the First Presidency is followed: “Worthy single women ages twenty-one and older … may be recommended to serve full-time missions. … These sisters can make a valuable contribution … , but they should not be pressured to serve. Bishops should not recommend them for missionary service if it will interfere with imminent marriage prospects.” Richard G. Scott, “Now Is the Time to Serve a Mission!.

Last year I watched the Worldwide Leadership Training Meeting: Building Up a Righteous Posterity and I was thrilled to hear sage advice on marriage for young folks. It provided direct instruction for my quest of how to do it “right.” Elder Holland said: “I think we’ve all heard comments such as “Well, I need to get through school before I get married” or “I need to get a job” or “I need a little money in the bank” or “We’re going to need a car.” We start to hear, increasingly in society, those kinds of stipulations. We want all of this in place. I have loved a very homely little definition of love that James Thurber gave many, many years ago. He said, “Love is what you go through together.”… You shouldn’t miss the ties that bind and the experiences that link us together in our youth and in our hardship and in our sacrifice as well as in senior years when maybe you’ve got a little more money.”

As I thought about this advice I began to remember that the most enjoyable times in my marriage were when we had the least money. It seemed to force us to live a simple life and to appreciate the little things. I can also remember the feeling of bonding that we had while sharing the vicissitudes of life. What a pity it would have been had we postponed life with one another until some part of the difficulty was over. Yet, I wonder how that could ever be? How can we actually wait until difficult times are over? Life is full of trials and experiences, both good and bad. If young people are postponing marriage until after college is finished and a good job is found, is the hard part of life over? Hardly! I think we often fool ourselves a bit. A good education and a job are important, but it need not postpone marriage.

Of the same Leadership meeting Sister Beck and Elder Oaks had brought up another good point when choosing a spouse.

Sister Beck: Oftentimes we hear young adults saying, “I’m looking for my soul mate.” And they put off being married because they think there’s one perfect match and a soul mate who then will be their best friend forever. What really should they be looking for if they’re interested in seeking after the Lord’s blessings and forming an eternal family? How do they do that?

Elder Oaks: I’m always doubtful when I hear that someone’s waiting for the person that was predestined for them in heaven. There may be such cases. But I think most of us are looking for someone we love, whom we can stand together with and go forward with, who has same ideals and the same principles to make an eternal family. I think the idea that you’re waiting until something hits you on the head as if to say “this is it” just postpones marriage and sometimes prevents it altogether.

While creating the YW Quotes Calendar for my daughter I also came across this quote:

"Soul mates' are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price." Spencer W. Kimball

It has only been recently that I seem to be finding most of my answers for making the right decisions when finding a spouse in order to teach my daughter correct principles. In addition to the direction I receive through church leaders and gospel principles, I can be thankful for wise friends. They have taught me that during the dating period a young man and young women should choose wise activities for their dates that include other friends. Through time this will allow her to see him under the light of his true character. Someone has said that we “should keep [our] eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterward.

Another friend provided three essentials that she looked for when she was searching for an eternal companion. She looked for someone who had earned his Eagle Scout, graduated from Seminary and served a mission. She explained the reasons behind these choices. If he had earned his Eagle Scout she knew that he could make goals for his family. By graduating from Seminary she knew he would be able to get up early to earn a living for his family. Finally, by serving a mission she knew that he could keep promises to the Lord and thereby keep his promises to her.

After much thought I decided to add one more criteria to the list. As I watched my young niece and nephew-in-law with their little baby, now expecting a second one, I realized how blessed they were that they both received their college educations while so young. I don’t know about him, but I know she already has her master’s degree. What a blessing that is for them during these rough times. With that extra leverage in life, she will not feel so compelled to work outside of the home to make up for budgetary differences. With his education he will be able to stand out from the crowd of a job-hungered competition. This isn’t about building wealth and recognition, it is about sustaining the family in an unstable world. To have the wisdom and foresight to recognize the need for an education is showing love for his family and the needs they will have in their future. Postponing education while still so young for whatever reason is really not an option these days. It doesn’t get easier. Whether just out of high school for young women or just returned from a mission for young men and education is recommended by church leaders.

A good education will prepare us for opportunities as they come and will help us be an asset to our families, the Church, and our communities. (see