First National Bank of Love

It's not on accident that I have been married for fifteen years. For most of those years I was married on purpose. And fifteen years is a long time, especially once you consider that the average celebrity is only married long enough to cheat at their reception.

Friends sometimes ask me what it takes to stay married for so long. Or at least, they would if I had friends. But I don't have friends, which is one of the secrets of staying married for a long, long time.

I'm kidding. If you're a man, then the real secret to staying married for a long time is realizing that your marriage is like a bank. It works like this:

When you get start dating someone, you open a "Love Account" with them. From then on, everything that you do is either a deposit or a withdrawal from this account.

Surprise her with flowers? Deposit. Run over her dog in the driveway? Withdrawal.

Take her to a chick flick? Deposit. Get caught opening an account in another branch? Big withdrawal, both from this account and possibly from the blood bank.

And so on and so forth.

If at some point you bounce a check (by, say, sleeping with her best friend and her sister in the same night) then the relationship is over, and your account is closed without further penalty, except perhaps her making disparaging comments about your male adequacy to everyone that you know.

This problem can be easily solved through relocation.

On the other hand, if you build up a large enough account at a particular branch, you can purchase a Diamond-Backed CD. Every CD is unique because they have various rates of return, depending on the branch, and their lifespan is not fixed. But some points are common to all Diamond-Backed CD.

Your branch will, on some routine basis, credit your account. Rates and periods vary by branch, but you can generally figure out the rate and frequency of return before purchasing your CD if you pay close enough attention.

With this periodic payment, you can begin to make routine withdrawals without worrying about zeroing out your balance, such as adopting the habit of sitting around in the living room every Sunday afternoon in your underwear watching Baywatch and scratching yourself with the remote.

Remember, though, the principle of deposits and withdrawals still holds. Only now if you bounce a check it's a big deal, and will end up costing you massive bank fees and penalties (generally half of what you have, plus a monthly fee until you die).

It's also worth noting that the exchange rate from when you first opened the account has changed. Things that were valuable before are worth less after purchase, and what was worthless before may now be highly valuable. The exchange rates will not be posted, nor can you find them online.

For instance, let's look at flowers. When you first open your account, buying flowers is a big deposit, like when you used to find five bucks in college and knew that tonight you'd eat something other than uncooked Ramen noodles.

Once you've bought a Diamond-Backed CD, buying flowers represents a much smaller deposit. It moves the account up some, true, but it's not going to buy you much more than an evening in a bar with your friends. If you want to go to a strip club, or if your friends are women, you'll have to either make a bigger deposit or accept that your balance will drop.

Luckily, new revenue opportunities do arrive when you purchase the Diamond-Backed CD. You can make a deposit by, for example, scrubbing the toilets or changing the baby. You will also receive a substantial insurance payment if you receive a spider-related injury. Before, these opportunities didn't exist.

Unfortunately, most branches do not offer a routine statement of account beyond giving you general signs of your fiscal well-being, such as slapping you every time you touch them when your balance has almost dropped to zero. Investors are advised to carefully monitor their branch for signs that their account is critically low before making any serious withdrawals, such as buying a sportscar with their children's college funds.

What most men do not realize, though, is that the Diamond-Backed CD also offer rewards for maintaining a high balance (some branch offices do not offer this, which is why many men choose to sell their Diamond-Backed CD at a loss of half their net assets in order to open a CD at a more appealing branch). These rewards far surpass a mere 1% cash back on travel to the continental 48 states on weekdays in the winter.

Your branch may give you such exciting gifts as a free pass on forgetting things, control over the TV remote, private modeling of lingerie, and a wide variety of sexual diversions delivered to the privacy of your own home (or office) in a completely legal and cost-free fashion.

How's that for fringe benefits?

The Betrayal Scale

Sometimes politicians let us down, like when they get caught trolling for anonymous homosexual sex or spending a month’s salary on high-priced hookers. But until now people really didn’t have a good way to quantify how big a breach of trust this really was. Was it a “that baby really looks like my best friend” moment or a more minor “I kissed your girlfriend while you were on a break” moment?

Thankfully, your Daily Dollop is here to answer these difficult questions in life with the Betrayal Scale. I’ve included helpful examples from the business world that impact your marital life as well as betrayals between friends.

[Note: we’re not going to piddle around with “I didn’t know he liked her” BS; this is real betrayal]

Level 0: Minor Flirtation
Business: You hired a secretary but you didn’t really need one.
Personal: You kissed his girlfriend while they were broken up, or you inappropriately dared his girlfriend to bare herself during a drunken party.
Payback: Buy him a beer and all is forgiven. After all, chasing your boy’s girl is a sign of respect, right?
Wife’s payback: No sex for a month.

Level 1: Circumstances are everything
Business: You hired a hot secretary.
Personal: You had sex with his girlfriend while they were broken up, or you made drunken propositions to his sober girlfriend.
Payback: He gets to punch you and all is forgiven. You’re not allowed to be alone with her for any circumstances short of a shipwreck, and even then you should consider the briny deep as a viable first option.
Wife’s payback: He sleeps on the couch.

Level 2: Danger zone!
Business: You took your hot secretary on a business trip to a tropical location but nothing happened.
Personal: You kissed his girlfriend while they were together, or you made sober propositions to his drunken girlfriend. .
Payback: He gets to punch you, but you can defend.
Wife’s payback: Hire a 20-year-old gardner who works shirtless.

Level 3: Toeing the line
Business: You’re making up reasons to work late and on the weekend to be with your hot secretary and complaining to her about your home life, but you’re not screwing her.
Personal: You had sex with his girlfriend while they were together regardless of anyone’s state of intoxication.
Payback: He gets to punch you in the nads, and you don’t get to defend, and you’re not invited to the wedding but you have to send them a nice gift.
Wife’s payback: Hire a 20-year-old poolboy who works in a thong, whether or not you have a pool.

Level 4: Crossing the line
Business: The only reason you’re porking your hot secretary is because she’ll do things to you that your wife won’t.
Personal: You kissed his wife, with or without groping.
Payback: He gets to hit you with an object, but you can defend yourself. You cannot, however, fight back.
Wife’s payback: Start doing things to the poolboy that you wouldn’t do to your husband.

Level 5: The line is a dot
Business: Your hot secretary is doing things to you that your wife would also do.
Personal: You kissed his daughter or posted naked pictures of his girlfriend on the Internet.
Payback: He gets to shoot you. You are allowed to run away.
Wife’s payback: Stop doing anything whatsoever to husband, have two-a-days with gardener and poolboy.

Level 6: Hitting a new low
Business: Instead of a hot secretary, you have an affair with an ugly secretary.
Personal: You had sex with his wife or posted naked pictures of him on the internet, with or without demeaning Vienna sausage references.
Payback: He gets to shoot you in the nads. You are allowed to run away. He does not, however, get to reload.
Wife’s payback: Divorce him, then have sex with his boss and get him fired.

Level 7: Rock bottom
Business: Instead of a hot secretary, you’re economizing by paying a seedy prostitute.
Personal: You had sex with his (adult) daughter.
Payback: He gets to shoot you in the nads and reload as much as he likes. You are not allowed to run away, but you may beg for mercy.
Wife’s payback: Divorce, complete with angry children and forfeiture of all his property and assets. If disease is involved, wife can shoot husband in the nads.

Level 8: Discovering New Shames
Business: Instead of a hot secretary, you’re paying a moderately-priced prostitute.
Personal: You got his wife pregnant and disavow all responsibility.
Payback: He gets to shoot you and her both. You may beg if you wish.
Wife’s payback: Divorce him, then have sex with his brother to start a family squabble.

Level 9: Tarred and Spitzered
Business: Instead of a hot secretary, you’re paying a high-priced escort.
Personal: You got his (adult) daughter pregnant.
Payback: He gets to murder you in cold blood and bury you in the basement. Anything less and society ceases to function.
Wife’s payback: Divorce him, then have sex with his dad to get him disowned.

Level 10: Fade to black
Business: Instead of a hot secretary, your prostitute is a transvestite.
Personal: You got both his wife and his (adult) daughter pregnant.
Payback: He should shoot himself and leave you to clean up that ungodly mess. Have fun on Jerry Springer!
Wife’s payback: License to do whatever you would like for the remainder of your natural lives together, like removing his testicles and having them picked to bring out at parties and social gatherings.

Castro Retires

Like many retirees, Fidel Castor needs to be aware that in the coming months if he doesn’t find something to fill his free time he’ll face the grim prospect of premature death.

So in order to help him live a long, happy retirement, here are some ideas for hobbies he can take up to fill those happy, golden years:

Get Involved in Local Politics
For many retirees this represents a way for them to stay active in community affairs. For Castro it provides a chance to keep tabs on those jockeying to fill the power vacuum who may decide that the retired Commandante represents a liability that needs to be neutralized.

Plant a Garden
One of the most enjoyable things is watching flowers grow as a result of your own hard work. And since Castro has years of experience shoveling manure, it is a natural outgrowth of his previous activity. And the well-constructed garden has tunnels which reach far underground and can be used as a hideout in case of emergency.

Travel
A lot of retirees rent an RV or join tour groups to see the great cities and natural wonders of the world. Castro may want to combine a visit to his Swiss bank with a skiing trip in the Alps, for example. In fact, why not relocate to a more favorable locale altogether to avoid the inevitable revenge that comes from a disgruntled former associates grasping for more political power?

Visit Old Friends
While it is true that Castro has outlived many of his peers, he still has plenty of admiring friends in high places all over the world. Some of them are even out of jail, and there’s a long list of European politicians who would be pleased to host him in perpetuity. And if that doesn’t work, he is held in high esteem in Venezuela, which would make a charming retirement location until the country collapses into chaos.

Volunteer Work
This is a fun way to stay involved and help those less fortunate than yourself when your career is finished. Since everyone in Cuba is less fortunate than Castro, he could even do this while staying a luxury resort! It’s also a good way to monitor the disaffected for signs that a second rebellion may be on the way.

Spend Time with your Family
Many find time in their later years to reconnect with the younger generations and leave their mark on those who will follow. However, some of Castro’s relatives have unfortunately ended up fled or dead, which makes keeping up with them somewhat difficult. And brother Raul may not appreciate Fidel blurring the chain of command by meddling too much with the family, whose business is still running the dictatorship that is Cuba.