Sincerely hope that you will know your limits. I hope I can still trust you but I doubt so. You always get too excited and become overboard. I won't you won't this time.

I don't think you know me that well actually. Things I don't like, do you even know? I only see that you care more about your own happiness by making me awkward.

Oh, I'm holding grudges now. Yeah, that's what Leos do.

If this goes on, I don't even know if I can hide it well.

It takes so long to forget, but it is so easy to remember.

The feel of MG is coming back. With Kohei-san (still here) and Fujibe-san. Fujibe-san's voice totally has the MG feel. He has not changed at all. His actions and words. Hahha. Oh yes, Karen-san too.

But everything is different now. Gen-san is not here anymore.

Although I have only been in MG for 7 months, and almost 2 years in Tao. I have much more memories in MG. I can't believe 2.5 years passed in a flash. Kohei-san reminded me that I was only 18 when we first met.

Don't know how things will be. I still enjoy working with part-timers more.

Can I say this..? Ehm, I'm not really looking forward to it. (referring to two matters)

I was rather looking forward to one of them. But it was spoilt. So nah, not anymore. Kind of dread it now.

No money!!

I'm in a love-hate relationship with ibanking. I love its convenience. But since it's too convenience, people often prefer to transfer than paying up in cash. And they take forever. Perhaps they really forgot, so I just sent a reminder. Keke. Cos I really need the money. I am not rich. I'm waiting for the money to be transferred so that I can survive the rest of June. It's $80 on credit. And I'm seriously cashless. Having to borrow from my parents. 2 more weeks to payday. How can I survive?

iBanking and I never get the full sum back. I have to remember this. I lost $17 plus from the previous experience. Sigh!!

Anyway, I finally have some free time for myself for rest and entertainment!

CJ Running Man on Friday. Had less than 6 hours of sleep before that, and worked 10-22 the previous day.

I was crazy, especially the jumping jacks. I could have just fainted if I didn't request to go second. But I feel bad to the others who had to continue. The finale tearing of tag was tiring too. I managed to survive quite a while. Speed but no stamina. Well, I was able to tear off one tag before I died. I got attacked from behind. And spies were everywhere. So yeah, in the end spies won as the remaining were betrayed by their own group members.

And 6 hours of sleep before I went to work, I was dying at work. First time I counted the wrong amount. Omg, I was lucky. And no rest at all, met up with Maggie and then vocals. And basics 2 this morning. Super tired!!

Finally, I'm at home resting.

People come and go

There is always this song which reminds us of someone. Sometimes we just live everyday like those around us will be with us forever.

It's weird. My bosses are Japanese, so we don't talk much during work due to language differences. But they have to leave Singapore sooner or later, and I can't help to feel sad. Well, I've been working with them for years now. They have been so nice, or at least to girls. Very nice to me.

We will never know when they will get transferred away or transferred back to Japan.

But we still have our ways of keeping in contact, through the Internet. Although we don't communicate directly, being able to get updates is good too.

Every time I here certain songs, I'll think of them..

Gen-san: Empire State of Mind Pt 2 (Alicia Keys)

Kohei-san: I'll Be There (Michael Jackson)

Fujibe-san: 'Go Home Song' (which I don't know the title and singer, but just some country song)

I can still remember Gen-san and Kohei-san singing or mouthing the Empire State of Mind song in the ramen counter.

I know the 'secret' already. Cos someone slipped his mouth. But I'll wait till Wed when the 'secret' will be revealed to me. And I know who's gonna take over.

Hate to see people leaving. Cos I've been working here for 2.5 years already. I've seen too many batches and people leaving. Always grateful for all those who stayed on or came back.

Looks like I'll need to make one more of this video soon.

We often have to make many decisions in life. Decisions which not only affect ourselves, but those around us as well. These decisions are really hard to make. If only life is that simple right.

I feel like I have been living for others for the past close to 20 years. Cos I think ever since that incident in J1, I have decided to treat myself better. Well, family and friends are still as important to me. But there are some other things which I hold dearly as well.

I am really glad to have so much support from Karen-san and Laoshi, which makes me want to work even harder.

Karen-san is always so supportive of me and has high expectations of me. A really observant and nice motherly manager. Laoshi gives me a lot of chances, although I have not been performing well. Since my first evaluation, I really did badly, but she decided to let us/me on stage. And not reprimanding my open house performance. And cos I will be missing a few practices if I were to take part in the concert dance item. She actually said I can still take part, but just have to learn from someone. She's really too nice to me.

But cos I still don't know her well, I am quite afraid of her. I do not really know what is on her mind. I am afraid that she will be disappointed in me.

I really hope one day I will be good enough.

Work was horrible.

I don't get why some customers are so fierce towards the service staff. And yet Singaporeans can complain about how bad Singapore services arh. Are your standards too high? Why not try being a service staff yourself? I don't owe you anything, why give that black face and use that tone? You are not even my boss or parent.

It's true that our salary comes from the customers, but we provide you the food and service. We did not even ask you for money. Your short-temper just killed my mood. Okay, I admit that it was my mistake cos I ordered the wrong food, but she just said, "So you mean I have to wait for a long time?" Her face was like angry. I already apologised.

I have complained about this so many times, that our restaurant has our own policy. We do not do takeaways. And asking so many staff the same question. "You mean we can't pack our food? We can't finish our food, what do we do about it? Stuff it down?" How do I answer that question? We really do not have any boxes for you. Some are understanding and some are just plain unreasonable.

And to staff who show no interest in learning, I will be strict. My face, my tone are strict. I want you to be scared of me, so you will be serious. Even though I am not your teacher, but it is for your own good, and for ours too. Cos it will decide how tired we are working with you.

Every time a new staff comes, I will be lost. Should I do it myself, or should I ask them to do, or teach them. I was lost at work for a while just now. Too many things to do. Fill water, bill, order. I looked around, there was nobody. A day without boss around, I feel so stressed. Cos there are many things I have to decide and settle. But with boss around, I also feel stressed cos eyes are staring. Prehaps not at me, cos I know they trust me so. Maybe it's just the pressure I put on myself.

Actually work today was not that bad. I was kind of lucky with money. I nearly caused the restaurant to loss a few dollars. But luckily I double-check normally.

I need to trust myself more.

Seeing the mistakes you made and you can really learn a lot from it. Although it is a suffering to see your horrible stupid mistakes.

I have found back my passion. Cos for the past few days, I was wondering if I could really do it. But all I know is that, I just love singing. After today's debrief, I've learnt quite a bit. And I realised that I can actually do a lot better. I can reach higher range just with techniques. But I have to practise.

Laoshi is really supportive of me. Cos Clement was laughing at my sudden change from real voice to falsetto and Laoshi was like saying, "How can you laugh at your student? You get out." Haha. Clement said I was reaching with real voice, realised I could not and switch to falsetto. Laoshi added on at least I did not crack my voice on stage. Thanks, laoshi. For not reprimanding me, and instead sort of encouraging me. Cos before we viewed our video, laoshi was a little fierce towards the previous group. Like "You better not give this kind of standard during the concert."

Laoshi says I have a girl-next-door face.

And Clement. For opening new perspective of myself, and showing me that I can actually do more than what I am doing now. He is always so encouraging as well. Like, "not bad, but just have to...." But he loves laughing at my chinese-piang pronunciation in English songs. Yeah, after being laughed at, I realised. I will work to improve.

I need to change my mindset. I need to trust myself more.

I'm still trying to accept criticisms, and suggestions. I feel better and more comfortable with them now, cos I want to improve and a third person's view is always clearer.

CJ Open House

I. AM watching Onew's voice crack videos to encourage myself. Cos of my horrible unable to pitch the high note using real voice during the open house. Sigh, sounds so horrible, the sudden change to falsetto. It really sounds like a voice crack, maybe it is. Our performance was quite bad I guess, after I looked at the video. But it's over. I think the audience was laughing at me? IT'S OKAY!! I will do better next time.

I am not trying to mock Onew or whatsoever. But I really like him as an idol. I love his voice. He shows me that these voice cracks mean nothing, although his voice really cracks the most. LOL!

Experience is all it counts. I had fun with my Chinese group. It is really not my type of song. But I have to conquer more types of songs. Have to.

Anyway, open house is over now. We did not do very well but we tried our best. Laugh and forget about it. :( Once the audience step out of the school, they will not know who I am. :)) Although I think my part was the worst but never mind it already. I felt I could have done so much more during the open house. But really, even though I'm in a service industry, I find it difficult to approach strangers.

So after the open house, we had our BBQ celebration at Johnson's house.

And Sunday, watched "I AM" thanks to Huixin's friend who booked the tickets for us. Quite an inspiring movie. Shows all the hard work of the kpop idols and saw their growing up as an artiste. But seriously speaking, some of them were maybe not that good during their auditions, but the effort they put in turned them into a star. It is the passion and determination.

I realised I have the same thought as many of them. "Is it what I really want?", "Can this bring me anywhere?" I don't know. But I guess I just have to try right. I don't know if this is what I want, but I just know that I like what I am doing now. Obviously this can't bring me anywhere, but I still won't give up trying. Although some time I see no point going on, but I am really learning a lot. It's like I can't bear to give up everything now. I tried and wished so hard to be in the crew, so this is precious to me. But sometimes I just feel that I am not good enough. Why is this thought coming back? But since I am in the crew, means that I have some qualities that others do not have right? They might be better in some points, and me in another.

I never thought of being like them now, cos I find it so hard. Especially in Singapore. I am not sure if I will be able to go through what they went through. But whatever it is, I am enjoying what I am doing now, although I feel stressed at times. But stress is what improves us. I have to keep working towards that direction. Failures are all part of life, we learn from it. So I just have to work a lot harder.

On a lighter note, good new! My cover with Yi Fang got into Top 10, for May I think, for that section on kpop. We were wondering if only 10 groups took part. The views is approaching 400 with 12 likes and 1 dislike now. With 3 comments. Maggie's comments are too kind. <3

It is only when you have a dream that you have something to work towards, so never give up on your dreams or whatever you do!! It is often fear that pulls us down. Sometimes we just have to believe in ourselves. Believe that we can do it. :) [Wisdom of words by me! Or it is just common sense! LOL!!]

And never be afraid to show off what you have. Be someone else on stage. I need to throw away my reserved self when I step onto the stage. It is really a big step and a difficult one. I have to try a lot harder. Only then I can be a better performer.

Soothing voice, powerful voice? I think I have to adapt my voice to different songs.

What's wrong with me acting a little, ehm, crazy at times? I just want to add a little entertainment to life.