Thursday, March 30, 2006
♥ 11:34 PM
every tear you shed is a diamond lost to an unworthy cause
isn't it ?
don't cry my dear ! so not worth it.. LOVE YOU DB !
But to be able to hate someone that much, means one must have loved someone else equally much, to be able to generate such an opposing emotive force.
to quote darling senior. Met her at nus on wednesday. BEAMS. ( :
even in rebellion, you are mine.
I WISH.
White Oleander has the nicest quotes.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
♥ 12:37 AM
These were ultramarine days, trimmed in ermine, and the nights showed all their ten thousand stars, gleaming overhead like a proof, a calculus woven on the warp and weft of certain fundamental truths.
twenty seven different names for tears.
-white oleander
and i swallow the words,
three at a time.
praying that what i choke on
would be finality.
where absolution
will dawn.
WHINES. Why do I always want what I can never have ? If I want to be like mei, I must use the com less. It's definitely not how good I am. Because I am not. It's how bad I want it.
Monday, March 27, 2006
♥ 12:10 AM
Choir takes up 50% of my energy. The SL project takes up another 25%. With what's left, I TRY to get my homework done. Oh and I try to have a life too. Not very successful if you ask me.
Just completed 2 weeks worth of the reading program. (oh, since it's fornightly, make it a month's worth) I didn't attend shaun's service because was too tired yesterday night. Celebrated my 2nd cousin Tiffany's birthday. Mmms. I have the cutest cousins. (more like, the children of my mother's cousins) Shawn (spelling ?) and Johnathan are adorable. I had fun playing pro evolution football 5 too. All my brother can do is foul with tackles every five seconds and score own goals. HAHAHHAA. I think everyone on his team has a yellow card. All I can do is commit offsides. Blah. But I won 2-0 (Real Madrid vs Man U) because of my brother's own goals and again 1-0. Haha, damn nice goal for the latter match ! (Chelsea vs Arsenal)
Okay. Getting overly excited. Should ask ahpa to play with me next time. Hurhur. Anyways, I have undone econs essay, econs drq, geog drq, gp holiday homework and history tutorial. At this rate, my parents will have to see the principal. AYES. And I have to go to siglap this sat. I want to go to church on sunday too. Rawrr. SO LITTLE TIME.
The worst bit is, I misplaced my econs file. Like, seriously. I turned my whole room upside down looking for it. (and hence wasted a lot of time filing stuff instead of finishing my gp articles) ARGH. WHINES. How ?! Am dammit sure I didn't leave it in school. All my notes are there. Whines whines whines. )))):
I miss p10. And my darling sooks. Cedarians. ): Shiying, ruz, the stalkers, joa, jiayi. Just the atmosphere in Cedar. The environment. Ayes.
Cannot stop whining. WHINES. May tomorrow be a good day. (where kwei doesn't walk out on us) Prays..
Saturday, March 25, 2006
♥ 12:33 AM
I'm not dead.
I'm just dying.
So many things happened. Too much stuff going on. Overwhelmingly depressing. I wish everyday was a holiday. I just want to sit down and read my book. Or sleep forever. That'd be best. Forget about idiotic soccer people. And particular asses. RAWRR. Sectionals tomorrow. 5th practice this week. Cannot, and should not complain. GP is the bane of my existence. No I don't know. Yikes. Incoherent. No time. Sadness. Remind me to blog longer later.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
♥ 12:19 AM
You're a jerk. I dislike you immensely. I want to delete you. But at the same time I know I won't. Wtf. Hates self. DOWNWARD SPIRAL. Gosh.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
♥ 11:39 PM
if you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment
Indeed. I feel like killing someone now. MURDEROUS I SAY. Lols. Heartbreak after heartbreak. Db, we become nuns okay ? Hehe. Or lesbians ! Quick, choose !
Oh, adel, ahpong, my aunt and my grandma said I lost weight. HAPPINESS. And I didn't even do anything. Hoho. MUST GET SILVER FOR NAPFA. MUST.
Alim is an idiot. A big fat idiot. As it is, I'm putting my schoolwork on hold for SL. And this is how he appreciates it. WTF. In front of most of the sports people at pe dept too. Asshole.
I HATE GP WITH A PASSION. Stupid ocm. Ayes, ayes ayes. Irritating. I don't understand econs. DOOMED. Shite.))): Mei if you're reading this, pass me all your econs and gp files pretty pretty please !
Monday, March 20, 2006
♥ 12:36 AM
I'm losing grip.
I need to relocate my anchor especially since everything inside me threatens to collapse.
I'm in a state of mental and emotional nothingness.
I need to fill the spiritual void.
I have to start talking to God more. Am really considering Shaun's offer to visit his service.
This can't go on.
Thank you db, darlingseniors corinna and mei, and dear sis in law. <3 :D
Oh and tmx, if you're reading this, I love you. (: Your warm fuzzy is my favourite. I actually laughed out loud twice. It made my day.
Sunday, March 19, 2006
♥ 4:12 PM
I like blogging short little bursts. And I intend to do so. Because I am just too distracted.
I am balding. I am fat. Kucinnnnta.
Gravity, keep the hell away from me. You're bringing me down.
Nuns forever matrimony never. HAHA. I think I shall adopt some kids. Goats are oh so cute. Random.
♥ 3:18 PM
I just want to spend the whole day reading White Oleander. Each beautiful word like a rosary bead on my tongue.
Two breaks tomorrow. To finish my econs essay and gp. Or geography. I still don't know who I'm doing the essay with. At this rate, I might as well do it myself. You know what. I think I should. Whatever. Econs has to wait till tuesday. =/ Gp too. Rah.
YOU ARE AN IDIOT. Yes, you are nothing but a fool. Glares. It's hard when I feel detached from it all. And that hovering part of me can just watch me stumble, trip and fall again.
'Loneliness is the human condition. Cultivate it. The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. Never expect to outgrow loneliness. Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space. An intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception. If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. The best you'll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want , and not let the cattle stand in your way.'
Bite till you bleed. And your breath stops flowing.
♥ 2:52 PM
Procrastination is the mother of inaction
Inaction is the father of regress.
I don't understand hydro pdf 10. I don't know how to answer part b of the econs essay. Too much gp is making my headspin. I foresee sleepless nights. Though not by choice.
Amazing how there was so much build up leading towards it. And it ended. Just like that. Snap. Before it even began. Move on bel..
Saturday, March 18, 2006
♥ 6:56 PM
Because navleen has the nicest quotes ever.
"Looking back on what I said all those years ago, all the hopes and dreams I had, I've come to the conclusion that if having things turn out the way you wanted them to is a measure of a successful life, then some would say I'm a failure. The important thing is not to be bitter over life's disappointments. Learn to let go of the past, and recognize that every day won't be sunny. And when you find yourself lost in the darkness of despair remember, it's only in the black of night that you see the stars, and those stars lead you back home. "
"So don't be afraid to make mistakes, to stumble and fall, because most of the time the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most. Maybe you'll get everything you wish for. Maybe you'll get more than you ever could have imagined. Who knows where life will take you. The road is long and in the end, the journey is the destination."
From One Tree Hill.
And quoting darling senior corinna,
Isn't it sad being the one with unrequited affections. always pining, never getting ?
Ahhh. Okay I want to finish my econs essay and my summary tonight.
♥ 5:16 PM
about to meet my
cotton death.
bolls of
beautiful, clean white
nothingness.
stepping into a fall.
headfirst.
♥ 2:09 PM
"With Or Without You"
See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you
Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you
With or without you
With or without you
Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And I'm waiting for you
With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
My hands are tied
My body bruised, she's got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
With or without you
A beautiful song by U2. First heard it quite some years back on an episode of Friends. Where Ross keeps apologising to Rachel but she doesn't accept his apology. I think. Haha. Anyways, yeah. Really nice song.
So much work. So little time. You're such a beautiful letdown.
Yay, I love Eugene, my gay friend. (: It's nice because I got to know him abit better because of the camp. Real nice gay. Oops. I meant guy. Hurhur.
♥ 12:15 AM
like fluoride in the water, they'll make your soul impervious to the world's soft decay
I just want to never wake up. Really. IDIOTS, all of you. I feel like stabbing something, someone. The first person I want to beat up is X. DIE X DIE.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
♥ 1:01 AM
Had choir today. Didn't accomplish anything in the morning. Ahpa and wl didn't come over to edit the video. I didn't have lunch with darlings qua and xunny. BOOOOO. ))): Didn't do any work too. Ayes. Saw it coming anyway. It's thursday already. TOO FAST. Seeing as how I haven't touched anything. Boofrogs. I don't think I'll get any work done during camp though. Seeing as how I'm such a pig and will probably sleep through the night. To cut a long story short, am leaving for choir camp tomorrow morning, will be back friday evening ish methinks. Nothing very long or drastic. No one's even going to notice that I've gone. Haha. Oh, met darling ms zhu at the amk ntuc just now. She's so nice, I feel fortunate to have her. :D
Hope the camp will be a good one yah. Hope friday will be a good day too. Lols. See you.. (:
Won't you be my solid ground ?
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
♥ 10:02 PM
'...Everyday that he's alive (and you are) there's always hope!'
That's why I love my darling sisinlaw. She makes me smile. Hurhur. Funny lah, her tups too. Well. So yeah. I am just waiting for friday.
And I feel like.. curling into a ball on my bed and sleeping forever. So I can forget about school. Forget about how I'm not going to china. Forget about tutorials and neverending GP. Forget about tests and exams and the dreaded As. Forget about that idiot X and how twinks and I are never meant to be. Forget about the stupid ass theory exam I just took and am going to fail. Forget about me. How I procrastinate. How I am not doing justice to myself, what I am capable of.
RAWRRRRR.
I need to pray more. =/
♥ 12:16 AM
Waiting..
To be disappointed anyways. Ayes. ):
Sunday, March 12, 2006
♥ 11:56 PM
Langsam. Nus open house today was just blah. Okay. The best part was the balloon. I love balloons. Many pretty girls. Yay for db's company.
I still hate X. And hzbro went to sleep. GAHHHH. Just as I got my TUPS from darling sooks who is back. Bleagh. BUT YAY FOR SOOKS ! I love her and not only for her tups, hehe.
DIE X DIE DIE DIE.
♥ 12:28 AM
Okay. Very tired. Am lazy to talk about wednesday although I love both ahpa and wl to bits for watching the game with me. (((: It was exciting though depressing nonetheless. Was proud of twinks and jianwei though. (: For more detailed stuff, go read the soccer blog. Oh, there was this moment of brilliance with totally smooth passing. My favourite part. Haha.
Thursday was blah. The history test was blah. But I had db after school for company. Yayy, love you ! (x Friday was blah too. The bonding wasn't fun. Oh sigh. ))): Oh ! Must mention that I got invited out of gp to do my blog. So we were spared two hours of gp. HOHOHO. I just went to school for econs. And wtan rocks. Hurhur. Went out with db's class to queensway. Her classmate does REALLY COOL magic tricks. Lols. Bought earrings ! Total waste of cash but yeah, they're nice. (bought more earrings today, hahaha. madness.) Then we took a super long bus ride to hougang mall. And we had a nice talk so yayness. (: Then we took STUPID neoprints. Lols, hougang mall sucks.
Slept at 1 this morning (not because I was studying) and woke up at 6 to study. Lols. Not very successful ayes. THE THEORY EXAM WAS EFFING BAD LAH. The figured bass question already so damn hard. Then I felt a headache coming on and it all went downhill from there. Ayes, I hope I pass. Just pass.
Adidas is so gosh darnit cute. I can spend the whole assembly peeping at him. Lols. X is driving me crazy. I HATE IT. I hate that I'm succumbing to whatever it is I'm succumbing to. I don't even know myself. ARGH. SUGHFGHSGHLAI;SJGL; I hope markmark is well in camp ! Mmms. Will miss him..
Twinks ! Will I ever get to sing with you ? Lols.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
♥ 11:31 PM
DAMMIT I HAVEN'T DONE GP. GOSH HATES SELF FOR PROCRASTINATING. HOW HOW HOW. ))): I HATE X. HATES HATES HATES. GAHHHHHHHH. THEORY EXAM DIE LAH I WANT TO CRY I HATE GP. RAWWWWWRRRRR HOW OCM HATES ME. BOOHOO SIGH. I JUST WANT TWINKS. X CAN FALL INTO A BOTTOMLESS PIT. LIKE, RIGHT NOW. IT'S ALL MY FAULT. I CANNOT BLAME ANYONE BUT MYSELF. WHY IS IT THAT I ALWAYS GET MY HOPES UP !? ARRRRGHHHH. I WANT TO PUNCH SOMEONE. PREFERABLY OCM. BUT I KNOW I SHOULDN'T. OH HELP ME SOMEONE. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
♥ 11:12 PM
Dammit. I'm falling.
Faster than I'd imagine. I don't want this. RAWRRR. Will update about the game another time.
BEL LOVES HISTORY YES SHE DOES !
More like,
BEL LOVES CNG YES SHE DOES !!!
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
♥ 11:05 PM
You know, they say that when you go through joy, pain, hardship blahblah, the whole experience, you form unbreakable bonds.
Then tell me why I feel this way. I try. I really do. I'm not going to kid anyone. But after it all, I feel drained. So drained because it's all just going to remain the same. It's a you scratch my back and I scratch yours thing. And anyways, I've always scratched backs. Rah. I don't know. Thinking about it makes me tired and disappointed.
The pre u sem audition thingy was crap. I am so not going to get selected. Ah wells. Bridge was quite interesting. Llee rocks. ((x And I love Dtan, her pe is the best. She's so nice.
I need fluffy stories. NOW. Haha, Sooks and SF. I'm going to miss her ! HAVE FUN IN HONGKONG DEARIE ! I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU LOADS !
Argh. His aloofness is just.. disturbing me. Fine. It shouldn't. RAWRR. Don't be an idiot bel. BEL STOP IT. STOP IT. THINK OF LIKE, HISTORY TEST. AND THEORY. Gawwwd. Don't remind me. KICKS, MUST DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT ! Gosh, am talking to myself right now. Things have degenerated to this state. Oh by the way, I'm not going to eat fast food until Good Friday. HAH. Abstinence.
Blahh. I feel blah. Drained. This week is a bad week. I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO 5+ THIS SATURDAY. Huge load off my shoulders. Rah. Come what may man.
I need a break from the damn system.
Honey do you love me
if you love me
smile.
♥ 10:17 PM
It was a distracting day. Needless to say. Embarassing too, at one point. Ahh. Too obvious now. Lols, thanks adel. Now ragen thinks I'm his admirer. Wadde ? Like, he totally lost me. I should ask hz or something. Lols. RAHHHH. I should be doing the gp blog/studying history/doing theory. Someone kick me.
RAWRR. Sigh. Ah pa better watch tomorrow. OR ELSE.
Monday, March 06, 2006
♥ 11:42 PM
Hzbro is hilarious. He can be the scriptwriter of a cheesy romance.
hoZ Let that city spit you out , For god sakes turn around said:
ure eyes sets a new dimension for him
BEL-AR-US(: honey do you love me if you love me smile (: said:
-_____- dots ! how would you know ! lols
Happy happy day. Prac wasn't that bad. Quite short. Had fun drawing butcher's warm fuzzy. Twinks sat behind me on the bus. IT'S FATE. Lols. Ayes if only ah. The other one is an idiot ! But who cares. FORGET, BEL. Twinks twinks twinks.
♥ 10:27 PM
I think and think and think, I've thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
♥ 5:56 PM
Things happen for a reason right ? Haha. I slept my day away. After doing my history essay of course. I think I've given up on gp and OCM has given up on me. How depressing. I do however like my new template. Though it's somewhat darker. I wanted a really cute pokeme one but the html was being annoying. My heart is not broken, sheesh. Haha. Howhowhow. Am lazy to do the gp blog. GRUMBLES. Even qingqing has done it though. Oops. And I don't know how to sing the dc circuit song. Humbug.
And I think about it. And think about it again. And realise that I'm never going to really properly fit in. Like that one piece in the puzzle that has to be knocked, shoved, pounded into place just because its edges aren't quite proper. Sigh. I miss Cedar Choir.
♥ 12:46 AM
I want to dine under the stars (or clouds) atop the esplanade roof. With someone/people I can really talk to. Db, sooks, xunny, qua, p10.. And I mean real conversation. It's been a really long time since I've met with people just to catch up and stuff. Without the distraction of shopping. Mmmms.. And the Mosaic Music Festival is starting too. Just visited the website and it looks like they have really great performances lined up. Not that I've heard any of them but yeah.. A lot of them look good. Rivermaya, Oh! Brothers, Jason Mraz (BUT IT'S 68 BUCKS BOO ! HOW !), Verve Enharmonics, New York Voices.. Ayes ! No money and no one to watch with me ! (SOOKS ARE YOU READING THIS ! haha !) It's time I soak up the culture.. Lols.
Haven't done any work. YET. Shall see how it goes. Am still feeling weird. Funny, bitter aftertaste in my mouth. The kind you get after you swallow pills. A starchy, viscous sort of feeling. I don't know.. Hmmms.. Oh, and the NUS open house is next week too. Not forgetting the all important THEORY EXAM. Dooooooooom. ))):
Okay. Because I couldn't post just now, I'm posting now. And between the time I wanted to post and now, I completed my gp essay and my econs essay. QUICK I DESERVE SOME APPLAUSE. Seeing as how I rarely accomplish anything on saturdays. Mmms.
The situation with twinks is still nonexistent. As long as hzbro isn't online, I can't ask him. HAHA. What an excuse. =/ The other person I was talking about in one of my earlier entries, let's call him J. Makes him more mysterious that way. Hurhur. I don't know. The thing is, I have no reason to talk to him. Because it's just been a year of us not acknowledging each other. So there's always going to be this awkwardness. And I don't want to seem as if I have intentions when I initiate conversation. Ayes. I don't know. Maybe I've been to sensitive.. Just giving myself false hope and all. Blah. I'm always falling for people I can't progress with and for reasons unknown to me too. Rubbish.
What I really feel my eyes they cannot hide.
Saturday, March 04, 2006
♥ 12:50 AM
Didn't go ahead with my erm goals. Too chicken. =/ Ayes. And when I finally thought about doing something, hzbro went offline. Haha.
Econs, gp and history essays to complete. FANTASTIC. I feel blah just looking at the questions. Groan. And I left my econs tys in school. Ho hum. Another weekend is going to fly past. Just like that.
Wasted two hours at the polyclinic. But it was only 6 bucks. Zzz. Was not productive at all. Typical me. As I thought, throat infection. The doctor asked me to consider having my tonsils removed. Hmmms. I'm going to get throat cancer someday, help.
I hope I get accepted to go for pre-U sem. Since I'm not going to China, I might as well make the most of my June holidays.
Had a very interesting conversation (the longest ever in fact, surprising..). Mmms..
Thursday, March 02, 2006
♥ 10:44 PM
Crap. Why the hell am I falling for this person !? Omg. I am freaking myself out. This is bad. They say love (okay, this is definitely not love. this is like, funny feeling in stomach. BUT I HAVE NO IDEA WHY. gosh.) needs no reason. But I think I need to find solid reasons. Not that I even know these people. Rah. Look how the last one turned out. (not chiang. chiang is just good looking. end of story. hahaha.) Don't know what I'm saying. The sniffles and sore throat is making me think crazy thoughts. Help.
♥ 10:02 PM
I didn't go for choir today. Started feeling quite unwell during gp. Which was one of the best lessons because we got to watch videos. Osama and another one about the Little Seamstress or something. But well yeah, my head was hurting and was sniffing like anything. Felt all weird. Oh but it was not as bad as my throat. I'm always getting symptoms of throat infection. Bah. Lesson learnt. Never get distracted by hrk. Because on some days, we can talk for almost 2 hours. As a result, didn't get any work done and for the first time EVER, I got thrown out of class ! Haha, okay, not thrown out. But well, invited out. It was okay. I have nothing against Cng at all. She even acknowledged the fact that I usually always do my tutorials. So yeah. Respect. Hahaha. But I did manage to finish almost three sides worth which is more than normal. So maybe I should get thrown out more often. Lols.
Just stoned through most of the day. Radish, adel, ah huay and tmx were all very nice. (((: Sisinlaw even offered to brew chrysanthemum. Awww. Haha. Left at 245 but thanks to wl who left his phone in school, we walked back from NYP. Yep, then we took ahpa's dad. Mmms.
Am feeling better. No more throbbing headache but am starting to sneeze more. Blah. I don't want to go to school tomorrow. Ayes. ): I'm so sick of it. Boo. I think I just need some rest. I want to stay home and TRY to catch up with work. Oh and do more theory. =/ Gah. I feel guilty for missing choir again though. But I just didn't think I could sit through another 4 hours. The thing is now, whether I can get an mc at the polyclinic tomorrow depends on my mother. Who isn't back home. If she still wants me to stone through school, I have to do my econs and gp. Or at least try to. Zzz.
twinks how ? Haha. Don't be depressed dear db. Best friend first remember ! Relax.. By the way, have I confessed how much I miss xunny ? Hurhur.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
♥ 9:52 PM
My hands were cold when I heard what cy said during maths tutorial. So for the whole time after that, I was fretting like anything. But anyway to cut a long story short,
I PASSED I FREAKING PASSED WHEE YEAH NO MORE CHINESE WOOTS !
A c5 but I'm more than happy so whee. Xunny bunny got an A2 ! Smart bunny. (: Yay, I'm so proud of everyone. Kiki, slin, db.. I didn't ask how the rest did but I'm sure they're fine. Mmms. So the seniors got back their results. Really a range of results. =/ I hope most of them who aren't satisfied are okay. Ayes. Am really proud of all of them still, knowing that they all put in a lot of effort. Am especially proud of the top arts student ! HOHO ! My lookalike. LOLS. (nahh, I've always loved mei.. :D ) She's such an inspiration. Markmark too. RAWR. (:
Didn't really go for choir because I stood in for zx/cg/mz for the schoolbuzz training thing. Zzzz. No comments. Then I had the chance to watch our school vs YJ ! ((((: Yay, first time I really sat down to watch and cheer this year. With db and huiying and peipei and her friends. Lols. We had a fun time squealing and stuff. Oh yeah, and we were so distracted by other stuff (especially the bball people) that we kept missing the exciting shots. And we missed the only goal. -_- Number 17. Haha. Funness though. Ragen was so so so so so close to scoring a goal. At the last minute, he hurt his hamstring and went down. But he deserves to be commended for his effort. Like what db said, he's untouchable. Pro teh-o ! Qingqing had good crosses and passes too. Adidas was not bad as well. But we were definitely more defensive than offensive so it was quite a waste because there was potential and stuff. (like I know ANYTHING about soccer. bah.) Huiying, db and I were too distracted scolding people with the gold adidas shoes. Hurhur.
Okay no but the point is, I love db ! YAY. I can't believe she stayed all the way till 8ish with me. BEAMS. ((: Thank you me dear !
Have my gp essay and history tutorial to finish. Yawns, I think I'll just do some funny rubbishy essay. Bah.
Not that I am in any position to judge but I suppose twinks was not bad. Hahah. Friday, hrms. Shivers.
THEORY EXAM DIE ! ):