My chosen candidate declined my offer. No Assistant for Crabby, at least for a while longer. Ah, forgeddaboudit. It's Friday. Gimme Five.

1. What were your favorite childhood stories?
My mother recorded herself reading The Cat in the Hat on tape because she was tired of reading it over and over and over again to me. Green Eggs and Ham was another favourite. I also remember a book called Just So Stories that I read to myself when I was a little older.

2. What book from your childhood would you like to share with [your] children?
Well, I don't have children, but I would like a copy of a scratch and sniff book about trees. It showed all the different types of trees, and you could sniff the picture. I loved that book, and I still don't know much about trees, so it would be very valuable.

3. Have you re-read any of those childhood stories and been surprised by anything?
No. Life has enough surprises.

4. How old were you when you first learned to read?
Six, I think.

5. Do you remember the first 'grown-up' book you read? How old were you?
I would cite Anne of Green Gables, or Little Women. I have no idea how old I was when I first read them.

Virtue Through Better Bleaching
For Gemini today: You may be tempted to tell a little white lie today, but if you do you will surely regret it later in the month when the truth comes out and your reputation for honesty goes down the drain. I tell white lies all the time. Wait! Before my loyal readers and friends start reviewing everything I've ever told them, I'll be more specific. I tell lots of white lies to my family (but not to my sister because she's cool). Last night, for example, I said that I can't come visit this weekend because I have to work. The reality is that I will work all week and continue with extra freelance work in the evenings. I would like to have a quiet weekend to myself, particularly since Mr. Crabby is working the midnight shift Friday and Saturday. Mommy Crab, however, would only see a "free weekend" and insist that I come for a sleepover - so I told a white lie. Also, when Mommy Crab forgot about my birthday and didn't phone or send a card, I told her it was OK because I had a migraine and couldn't talk on the phone anyway. I think that evens the score.

When I worked in retail, I used to lie to my employer on a fairly regular basis. He'd expect me to stay 'just a couple of minutes', which meant 20 - 30 minutes without being compensated for it. After 8 hours of on-my-feet-for-minimum-wage, I was often compelled to say "Sorry, I have to babysit" or "My mom is waiting outside" or "I'm going to Church" (which is something I did at the time). I guess those weren't white lies, really. They're just lies.

Do you tell white lies? If you do, is it because you are trying to spare someone's feelings, change behaviour, or to make yourself look better? Are you using a little Javex to remove a stain? I think we all do that. Tell me about some of your lies. Or, just make something up and I'll likely believe you.

Skirting The Issue
Three strange events have occurred today: I craved and succumbed to chocolate; I went clothes shopping and bought a skirt; and, I acted very managerial. Usually, even in positions of authority, I act like a goof. Perhaps today is good practice for when my assistant starts - or if she starts. Upon being offered the job, she asked for time to consider the offer, which annoyed me, although I've done the same thing in the past.

Why such errant behaviour? Am I pregnant? Is the moon in Acquarius? According to my horoscope, today's the day that I "... will make a big impression on those in positions of authority. You may also surprise yourself by discovering that you actually quite enjoy what you have been tasked to do even though you thought it was going to be the most boring thing in the world.

My job is actually very boring, which suits me just fine right now. Clothes shopping at lunch time was also boring, albeit productive. The new book I'm reading is boring. The book I wrote is admittedly boring (for a free copy call 1-800-513-7813). However, in a happy nod to Ice Queen, the song playing in my head is supremely hilarious. To the tune of "Age of Aquarius", it's "Man With a Hairy Ass". Mr. Crabby's been singing it for days, near-collapsing in fits of laughter each time.