Lost Change...

Here it is February and I have missed writing, writing is good therapy.  I had forgotten that.  I write in my journal, and that helps.  My mom always taught me to write what I feel in my journal, the good, the bad, and yes even the ugly.  I'd rather write it down than let it fester and eat me up inside.  So if you were to read my journal one day... I hope it is not until I leave this earthly life, but if you read it, somethings are good, some are alright, some are sad, some may even make you mad, but it is how I feel and see the world around me. We all have our own truth and my journal is mine.  Yes, my husband has read some of my journals, and he still loves me, and personally to me he is the only one that matters.
All that being said, in the last 4 1/2 months I have not written much...
Not in my journal...
Not here...

Grief is a strange thing...
It creeps in at the strangest times, it loves to surprise me.  Just when I think I have it under control it is there once again.
So I am taking this grief and embracing it...
I am writing it...

2013 was the year of lost change...

Change can be good, change can help us grow, change helps us to move from point A to point B, and change can lead to better things.  I am usually enjoy a little change, I love new experiences, I love going to new places and seeing new faces.  Yes, change can be good.

This year, for whatever reason, change came with loss...

a loss of a friend...
a loss of a job...
a loss of a dear friends husband...
a loss of a mother...
a loss of a cousins son...
a loss of an aunt...
Yes, Heaven has some amazing angels.

With losses came much change...
a graduation...
a mission call...
a move...
a new school year... (four kids in four different schools)
a step down from teaching... (love the kids, but my family needs me more)
a new job...
a Missionary...
a move...
new schools...
new city...

The best change is that of our Missionary...
Elder Cottrell is growing and changing with each letter.  As hard as it is to let go, letting him go into the mission field is easier than just letting him go. 

Change has helped me focus on the blessings that I have.  I must use these blessing to help with my grief.  Oh how I miss my mom, she was a good one, but now I will embrace my sadness for a moment, and remember that I was blessed to have a mother who showed those around her that she loved them. Grief has allowed me time to reflect on all that is good,  tears because of all the good that will be missed.

2014 will be the year of gratitude...
how can it not with all my angels looking out for me.

And Life goes on...

...Wow, this ride is at times a little more bumpy than I like...
Don't get me wrong, I love a good roller coaster here. 

For the most part I can look back and say... I did it, I made it, I can learn from this, I can move on... 

This time my heart hurts, and I have questioned why... A LOT.

It has been almost a month since my mom took her last breath... a month since I held her hand as she passed from this earth... a month since I left my family here in Texas thinking I would be back in a few days when grandma was back on her feet... a month since I stood with my dad and siblings asking Heavenly Father to give us the strength we need to let her go...

I miss her...
I grieve for my dad...
I grieve for my children...
I grieve for my siblings...
I grieve for me...

I have had to stop myself the past few weeks from calling her phone, because I knew she would have the answer.  Just days before I flew to Knoxville I was talking to her on the phone about a few things going on in my life, and her word were so reassuring... "oh, Sis, things will work out, they always do"... not sure how this, is the "working out" part. 

I know there is a greater plan than the one I have and sometimes my course needs to be corrected a bit... just didn't want this.  Do we ever?

I have had an amazing earthly mother for almost 42 years.  She raised me to be who I am today and for that I am blessed.

I will write more about her passing and services, but tonight I am going to cry, again...
Yes, even the ugly snot cry that Juli told me is best to do in the shower...

Last family picture before they left on their mission to Knoxville TN May 2013

Birthday season begins...

...this week begins the season of birthdays for our family.
Peyton and Nate share a birthday week. 
Within six days we enjoy two birthday dinners...
...one Mac and Cheese, the other Monte Cristo sandwiches... YUM!!!
Two birthday cakes... one chocolate, the other lemon... YUM!!!
There will be no dieting this week I will celebrate my oldest and youngest sons birth...

18 years ago I became a mom...
that same boy will make me a missionary mom...
10 years ago I became a mom to a little boy who would show his mom how fasting, prayer, and faith work...
both will be serving missions...
Peyton has been on one for a long time, glad Nate will get a chance to be like his little brother.

Love you boys!!!

Peyton and Nate



Happy Birthday Peyton

Peyton practicing his photography

My missionaries

Happy Birthday Nate

From 5 to 18 in a blink of an eye...

Graduation has come and gone and I'm still recovering...

where did the time go?

When Nate was little Steve and I use to talk about all the amazing things he was going to do and how we wanted him to do it all NOW!!!

Yes, first time parents are a little crazy,

Why did I want to rush it?

 

It's here...

is he ready?

am I?

 

He thinks he is...

he is the one trying to rush...

I am trying to slow it down

It's too late.

 

A few pictures to document this great adventure we are on

Life and graduation...

 

He looks so thrilled...

what a handsome young man

Graduation cap hair and dad trying not to be emotional

She is thrilled this is not a day dedicated to her

Graduate and family

family... thanks for the support

3 graduates

Now we are on to our next destination in life... a mission.

Nate will report to the MTC in Provo UT to prepare him to teach the gospel to the people in Mexico Mexico City Southeast Mission...

and he thought life was going to get easier leaving home...

We LOVE you Nate...

You will do great things!

what a month it has been...

It is strange to me that the last month of school is CRAZY!! Everything is due, everyone preforms, and this year we threw in a graduation.
It is at times like these when I wonder how moms with fewer kids cope... I'm sure they are busy...just less...maybe??
so here is our month in pictures...

Cams final football game

Cams last band concert

Last Pink Dolphin soccer game

Mase in Pop show

Nate singing his solo for the last time at Pop show

Prom

My final Kindergarten awards

4th grade awards

Singers company

Dancing Divas

Graduation... more to come later.

It is a blessing to be a mom...


a busy blessing!

 

To a life that never sleeps...

...it seems that it was just moments ago when I became a mom.
I am the imperfect mom who became the mom of a perfect boy.
Who once was this...

Has grow into this...

 

 

He did it...

He taught me to be a better mom...

He is a thinker...an observer of the world around him...kind...loyal...quiet...honest...

I am going to miss this guy...

It's hard for moms to grow up.





Happy Sunday...

Today I was in charge of Sharing time (teaching a group of children from ages 3 to 11) at church...
I love being around all of children..
they can bring a sweet spirit to my Sunday...

I sure when the Savior comes again he will go to primary (children's church) first...

My topic today was on the blessings of the Resurrection...
We talked about how Christs disciples were sad when he died...
we talked of those who have come before us who have died, and how we are sad too...

We talked of how sad Mary must have felt when she went to  the tomb to find it empty...
Then how Mary felt when moments later she recognized the Saviors voice calling her by name...

The blessing of the Resurrection is that we ALL will live again...
I will one day see my sweet friend that left this world far to soon...
I will visit with my Grandma O who I still miss everyday...
But most of all I will meet the Father-in-law I have never met...
the man whose influence is still felt today...

Sunday is the day that continues to renew my spirit...
get me ready for the next week...
and helps me remember that I can always be better than I am today...

What a blessing it is to celebrate the Easter season again, to renew, to be better.

Sure helps me deal with the toilet that leaked all night flooding the bathroom, hall, and managed to seep through the ceiling to the living room downstairs..
Good times...

Happy Sunday!