Archaic Spider-Man Reviews: Number 64

Another fortnight, another issue of Astonishing Spider-Man with massive boobs on the cover. This issue concludes the Arrow/Ero storyline in slots 1 and 2 with Consuming Passions and Predator/Prey by Peter David and Todd Nauck, and then finishes with The Book of Peter. There is no credit page for this story; I'm fairly sure the writer is Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa again because the art is the unmistakable computer vomit of Clayton Crain. With that to not look forward to, lets (hit the) jump into the main story.

At the end of the last installment, the spider-monster known as Ero had kidnapped Flash Thompson to mate with and kill him, leaving Spidey with no leads. A phone-call with Betty Brant leaves Peter with a hunch that Ero will have taken Flash to the church where she gestated. But first, he deals with a cop at the scene of the kidnapping...

Superman bends steel with his bare hands. Spider-Man snaps it.

Cool moment, almost making up for the embarrassment at the top of the page. Sometimes, Spidey transcends standard amusing goofiness and is just annoyingly lame. Also, why is he staying here to yell at a random cop rather than search for Flash, who is in immediate danger? Speaking of Flash...

Perceptive fellow, Flash

It seems that Ero has brought Flash here to implant a sack of eggs she has been incubating into his stomach. This will create thousands of beings like Ero who will team up to kill and eat Spidey. Why does she need Flash? Well, it seems that due to the coma Flash was in, he has a lot of 'tantric energy' built up. Is that what they call it these days? It seems this is why Ero had to get rid of Betty and that double K bowling person before they got it on with Flash, to avoid expending all that energy... This is from Friendly Neighbourhood Spider-Man! This is all a bit weird to me now; I can't imagine what I'd have thought of it when I was a kid. I like a lot of Peter David's work, but he seems to have misjudged this a bit. You can't spring tantric sex energy on people out of nowhere! Hasn't he ever heard of foreplay?

Anyway, Spidey turns up and he and Ero go at it...

...by finding out which of them has the stronger chin. What is up with this shot? Ero is in a fairly odd pose, but Spidey looks like each of his limbs has decided to leave and make their own way in the world. This kinda reminds me of the old Liefeldian trope of heroes attacking people with their crotches. It's competant-to-good art for the rest of the story though, so I guess this is just an abnormality. Incidentally, that thing at the bottom is the sack of Ero's eggs. This will be important later. There will be a test.

Meanwhile, a video of Spidey having a go at that cop has surfaced on 'u-tube' (presumably owned by the 'Goggle' of last issue). Over at the Daily Bugle, Jonah wants to use this to run yet another anti-Spidey/Peter story, and Robbie snaps. He starts yelling at Jonah, chastising him for turning Spider-Man, Captain America and all the other Civil War rebels into social pariahs. Of course, this has consequences.

Then, later...

Robbie is wise as hell
Seriously, that guy knows shit.

I could go on about Robbie leaving the Bugle being the end of an era or something, but I totally agree with his wife on this one. It was never much fun seeing a nice guy like Robbie get all that crap from Jameson. The element that made the Jonah-Robbie dynamic work was Peter; it was almost like good cop/bad cop. Now that Peter has left the Bugle, there was no real narrative reason for Robbie to stick around; indeed, I'm surprised no writer thought of this before David.

As this has been going on, Spidey and Ero have been fighting to the death with their bone spurs. Ero gets a lucky stab into Spidey's left shoulder, filling him with paralyzing venom. As he lies defenceless, Ero tries to shove her eggs down his throat, when suddenly...

Nothing gets between Betty Brant and a good toilet

What the hell? This is majorly out of character. Betty explains she keeps 'silver bullets with crosses on them' because, working at the Bugle, she's 'seen stuff that would freak out Kolchak'. Seriously, what? This is such a clumsy deus ex machina, it's hard to believe it came from the pen of Peter David. What's more, I'm not an expert on firearms but firing bullets (presumably he means shells?) with crosses on them out of a shotgun would probably loose a lot of the effect. In general, this moment is pretty cool, but a bit ill advised.

Anyway, Ero is wounded and tries to flee, but Peter pursues, eager to end their fight permanently. Ero spins a web parachute but seems to be using it to fly away, because she is rising, and holding it in front of her... Regardless, Spidey latches onto her leg and eventally forces her to crash into Central Park...

That gaping, bloodied wound doesn't seem to be slowing Spidey down much. Ah hell, this is still a really cool moment, and a great ending/death for Ero. I also like the way the birds are depicted as ravenous, like they aren't fed in the zoo. Seriously, these are vicious buggers, though they do at least leave a single spider for Peter to stamp on in a badass action hero way.

In the final page, there's more icky talk about tantric energy... and Peter finds out about Robbie losing his job. He decides to go and have a talk with Jonah. Next issue, that is.


Slot 3 is The Book of Peter. with art by Clayton Crain, I was really not looking forward to this; but i'm pretty sure this story was one of the last that Crain did for Spectacular Spider-Man. Let's power on through; besides, it can't be that bad...

OH SHI-

I'm calling ocular rape on that one. Yeah, we have the origin of Spider-Man being told yet again. I'm sick of writers recapping this over and over; it's like they have a burning need to put their own stamp on the tale just because they can. It's unjustifiable these days, what with the movie series having set out what was basically the same origin. How many of the readers of the 40th issue of Spectacular, the secondary Spider-Man strip, would be unfamiliar with this? Maybe 1% at the most?

What's worse is, this telling takes up half of the slot! The only stand out page that was at all interesting (beyond seeing the most classic of hero origins being defiled by Crain) was this one...

Good Points: Jean DeWolff and Kraven as last seen in their respective deaths in two of the best story arcs of all time. Spider Motif.
Bad Points:...
Shit. Crain has actually drawn something half decent. yeah, Peter still looks a bit strange, but this is actually approaching competence. I am seriously worried.

So anyway, Peter is frustrated at being unable to help his dying Aunt, so he runs down to an alleyway and starts punching a dumpster to pieces. Yeah, I know, angsty, but roll with it. Peter runs into... this guy.

That's right. Emo Jesus.

Ok, I guess in a world where several beings are omnipotent and the Greek and Norse Gods exist, having the Christian God turn up too isn't stretching belief any further than it has been before. Indeed, at this point belief is so stretchy it fits the entire convoluted Marvel universe in it, so what's another God in the mix. Plus, the idea of having a meal out with Hobo God is nice. It's just the pretentiousness of it all; that and the way 'God' looks like a mix of Heath Ledger's Joker, a skeleton and Snape from Harry Potter. It gets worse...

What?

Seriously, what? First you make God look like some emo fanboy's wet dream, then you dress him like that? Way to alienate the only demographic still enjoying this.

Anyway, Emo Jesus has taken Peter to the beach to show him a massive crowd of people. these, apparently, are a portion of the people whose lives Peter has saved as Spider-Man. From this, we can assume that Peter is really racist, since every single person is white... I blame Crain, as I usually do. Peter starts pleading with Emo Jesus to save Aunt May, to which he replies 'Have faith, Peter'. What, have faith in the Hobo God who has just demonstrated his existence?

The strip ends with a vision of what could be the future.

So Peter grows old with MJ, has kids called Ben and Mary, yadda yadda. The really worrying thing here is that Peter seems to have turned into Reed Richards when I wasn't looking.

Well, that was AstonSpid numbah 64. Next Issue, Peter fights JJ (seriously), we have a 'what if...' in which MJ gets shot rather than May, and the return of the classic strip as a gang war engulfs NYC. Till then, g'night.


Here's an afterthought: me and Max are really hard on Clayton Crain and the computerized style, but do you guys agree? A lot of it seems to be a matter of taste. Whether you agree or disagree (based on what you've seen), leave your comments below.

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Archaic Spider-Man Reviews: Number 63

Here we go again, with another look at... What's happened to Aunt May? Being shot by a sniper must have really changed her body chemistry or something, because she looks like Brad Pitt in Troy. What's more, you can't really see it in the scan but this cover is also fairly low res for some reason. Ah well, hit the jump for some Spidey goodness/more of May's man-chin

Made it? Good. This week the order is shuffled around, so Back In Black goes last, the second half of The Last Temptation of Eddie Brock is first and Running Out of Time (the continuation of Sandblasted) comes in second. When we left him last week, Eddie had bought a genuine Spider-Man costume from the Gap or somewhere, and was planning to get revenge on Peter by killing May, who just happens to be in the same hospital. Key thing to remember about Eddie: never call him Mr Brock.

They call me Ed-die...

Nice. What's more, the problem of someone hearing this murder is addressed in a fairly tense little scene which works very well.

Too often in comics, people get attacked or killed in easy earshot of other characters, so it's nice to have an explanation, especially when it doesn't feel tacked-on. The writer here is Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa, a Harvey-Award winner who has written some stuff that looks ok, but other stuff that looks awful (read: Marvel Divas). Still, even the best writers sometimes sign on to an awful comic. Except Alan Moore of course. *Weeps inside*


That still stings. Anyway, Peter, MJ, Anna Watson and Madam Web carry out their proposed séance to see if they can locate Aunt May's consciousness. They succeed, and Peter finds her in their shared memory of the night Uncle Ben died. Here, she drops a bombshell; she doesn't want to come back. She's almost died so many times; she's tired of life.

Wow, Peter's being a bit of a dick. And May has more of a Bruce Campbell vibe now. The artist on the séance section is Clayton Crain, whose past work on Venom Vs Carnage (Toxin's origin) has cemented and demonstrated his abject lack of realism or accuracy. He's also the monkey-with-a-pencil behind the awful cover of this issue. His art is computer aided, but if this is an attempt at innovation it is severely misguided. That said, the combination of two different art styles in one story is quite effective, but I'd really rather one of the art styles wasn't so distorted and ugly.

Regardless, the séance ends with Aunt May being dragged away from Peter by weird tentacle things, leaving him alone outside his memory of the Parker house. Or something. It's all a bit confused here, but Peter senses that something is wrong, and runs to May's room to find Eddie standing by the window. He hasn't hurt May, because she was too innocent and good to harm. So... the nurse he killed earlier deserved to die? Double standards, Eddie. He seems to have gained independence from the form of Venom he's been seeing, though, so he should be ok.

...

Yikes. While this is a pretty cool moment, and the climax of the story, it's also a bit screwy. Brock has been suicidal quite a few times, but I can't recall him ever going for it with this much gusto. I suppose he has nothing to lose these days, what with the terminal cancer and visions of Venom and all. Peter saves him however, and he is in charge now. Good for him; though it probably isn't that hard to dominate a vision from his own subconscious.


Well, that's the end of an almost action-less story arc. On to slot 2, which is Running Out of Time, following on from Sandblasted last issue. Writing is Peter David, a fact I forgot to mention previously. For an example of why both myself and Max love this guy, see below.

Very few writers can put a mild bit of comic relief on the same page as a speech with severe gravitas and a declaration full of hubris without making it feel awfully clunky. It's quite nice to read a comic by a guy who just knows what he's doing.

Anyhoo, Better Brant goes to Flash Thompson's apartment and finds Peter in disguise. She quickly sees through it and starts to tell him everything about Miss Arrow, who has been screwing with her and Flash. Meanwhile, Flash and double K go to the bowling alley to... wait, what? Who the heck is Double K? *Shameless Wiki search* Kelly Kulick is an American professional bowler, apparently. This story is from her first appearance in Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man #20, incidentally, but her presence here is never explained; it took me a long time to even find out what her name was. I don't mind celebrity cameos, but it helps if the person involved is famous outside of their profession; from the size of her Wiki page I'd wager most Americans wouldn't know who she was either.

So Flash and 'Double K' are coaching the school bowling team (they have them in America?) and Miss Arrow decides she has to mate with Flash, because she needs to reproduce. And she needs Flash for that for some reason. Anyway, Peter and Betty do some internet research (I want to make that a term for half-assed searching) by 'Goggling' Arrow and Spider. One of those 'Did you mean' things suggests 'Spider' 'ero', which reminds Peter of the Ero spider's that made up the Other when he saw it at Stark Towers... Basically, this is a convoluted way of letting Peter know what the Other is - Ero sounds a lot like Arrow, after all. Peter somehow knows that flash is at the bowling alley and is in danger, and heads there. This leads to a (probably) unintentionally hilarious moment.

EROOOOOOOO!

That's gotta be the goofiest thing any hero has ever yelled while smashing through a window. And look, he's taken out a random couple. They could be badly hurt by all that glass flying at them, and he's spilt that cola! Oh, and his right knee looks broken because it's all out of place. Regardless, Arrow/Ero escapes with Flash, to close the comic.


Slot 3 is the finale of Back in Black. Aunt May has a blood test, and it is revealed that the transfusion of blood that Peter tried a few issues ago has failed. Needless to say, this makes him Sad Face. Meanwhile, a detective picks up May's case as an anonymous gunshot victim, and goes to the hospital. He and a nurse try and come up with a scenario that fits the evidence. The nurse suspects MJ has a boyfriend or husband, so the cop decides to question her. Peter does not approve.

Awesome. JMS is succeeding in making Peter badass in Back in Black, through stuff like this. Of course, he'll never kill anyone, but still.

Of course, since their cover is blown they'll have to move May. Peter ties up the cop, steals an ambulance, makes May look like a corpse, takes it to the ambulance and forges transfer papers - in the name of Ben Parker, no less. I really don't buy all this - since Peter revealed his identity to the world, his face has been broadcast everywhere; not to mention the fact that no-one recognized actress and former supermodel Mary-Jane.

Anyway Peter, being the knowledgeable fellow he is, is aware that he has committed...

Ah JMS, we love you so. This is such a good character moment it almost makes up for the abject lack of action in all three strips this week.

Well, that was AstonSpid numbah 63. Next Issue, Spidey takes on Arrow, strives to rescue Flash, and faces some inner demons. Till then, g'night.

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Archaic Spider-Man Reviews: Number 62

Wow, sorry guys. This is a whole week late; but my scanner is up and running again now, and just in time for the final showdown with the Kingpin. Peter's been promising that he will kill Wilson Fisk for a couple of issues now, and I continue to approach this concept with a mixture of disbelief and amusement. Still, he looks pretty into it at the start of slot 1 (Back in Black part 4)...

WHY ISN'T HE WEARING ANY CLOTHES? Let's just hope he's not that naked after the jump.

The basic idea here is that it isn't Spider-Man who is going to have vengeance and kill Fisk, but rather Peter, so he's taken off the mask and shirt. I just wish his black trousers didn't make him look so much like shadowy naked guy in the picture above. The actual fight with Fisk is pretty cool, because it isn't really two people fighting, more Peter beating the shit out of Fisk. He's eerily silent for the first few clashes, taking Fisk apart with lethal precision. Peter then makes the same point I made last week about Fisk having no real capabilities beyond his massive ego, though he puts it more eloquently than I. Anyway, the fight culminates in a pretty badass moment

'You keep talking like a bitch, I'm gonna slap you like a bitch'

Let's just ignore the fact Peter seems to be picking Fisk up by his skin and just enjoy this emasculation of an evil man. This could only really get better if it finished with a soul punch.

Well, Fisk lies bloodied and defeated on the floor. Now all that remains is for Peter to finally take vengeance like he's been saying, right? Of course not, because this is shaping up to be a typical redemption story - hero falls, hero starts violating his own rules, hero approaches ultimate violation of said rules, hero has a change of heart, hero throws Emperor Palpatine over the balcony into the core of the Death Star... Anyway, here's how Peter rationalizes not killing Fisk.

Yeah, I totally believe you.

That's most of the first slot right there in that fight, so there's not really much to review. It ends with Pete and MJ watching over May as she sleeps. They're running out of money, but I've run out of comic, so time to give Eddie Brock cancer!

Slot 2 is The Last Temptation of Eddie Brock: Part 1. Eddie Brock? I thought he was dead from the terminal cancer he got way back when he sold off the Venom symbiote. In fact, in that arc (the first from Marvel Knights: Spider-Man) Brock slit his wrists! He should be dead twice over. Instead, he's just in a pretty, creepy splash page with a skewed panel order.

I could get into this after all.

Brock is crazy, or tripping from his medication, or part of Venom is still hanging around. Whatever the reason, this is quite a cool concept, because Venom's voice is like an aspect of Brock's mind now; compelling him to act and giving him strength. He spots MJ, who has been visiting May, who thanks to the God of comics just happens to be in the same hospital. MJ has been feeling survivor's guilt for not taking the bullet that hit May. A fair point really, and it would certainly please Max, who really hates her. I simply don't get her appeal.

Meanwhile, Peter does something filling before going to visit Madame Web. There's a clever moment here where Peter explains the whole situation to Web and asks her to perform a kind of séance for May. Web is a precognitive psychic, and has already agreed to his proposal; so talking to her is shown to be basically unnecessary. That said, I bet she sure is lonely; she seems to spend her days sitting in her Spider-Chair, waiting for people to turn up and ask for help. Poor lady.

In the last few pages, Brock's inner Venom has been browbeating him into attacking the Parkers. Brock has ordered a black Spidey suit to wear, for no real reason. What, do companies just mail out costumes to anyone that wants one? If this kind of service exists, why does Peter often complain that his suit smells bad or is falling to pieces? He can just buy a new one from the Gap!

Slot 3 is the conclusion of Sandblasted, and Spidey, Sandman and a random pothead are tracking down an impostor Uncle Ben using the helmet they found last ish. There's a nice odd-trio vibe to this, as they compete to be the best characters from Scooby Doo and then squabble about directions. It's not like they have to track down a killer before an innocent man gets electrocuted by the state... Speaking of which, Sandy's dad is getting his date with the chair fast-tracked to that same night. Barring some kind of Deus Ex Machina, it seems hopeless for him. *Snigger*.

They track the Ben killer to Midtown High, and the helmet asks Pete what kind of justice to administer, to which he replies 'poetic justice'. I just know this is going to go wrong. Sandy and Spidey run into the building and find the target; the school principle. All is not as it seems, however, as the 'principle' soon shifts into Sandman, and then Spider-Man 2211. Turns out, this is the Chameleon from 2211. Still, i'm sure he's an ok person really. Oh shit, I made him mad!

The rare shiny red Gyarados!

I'm not sure if this makes me want to play Pokémon, Starcraft or Warhammer. Needless to say, Chameleon 2211 is some kind of big red... thing, but he's only in this form for a few panels before Peter decides it would be a good idea to yank the helmet onto the alien's head and order it to administer justice. And... he's exactly right, because this somehow swaps the Chameleon with Sandman's father just before the electric chair was activated. That's such a bullshit, pulled-out-of-ass ending to a reasonable strip! How can the helmet teleport people? When was this explained? Why didn't the helmet just teleport Spider-Man to the school in the first place? Come to think of it, what will Spidey do with the helmet now? It's far too useful to not use again.

Actually, what was the Chameleon 2211's motive for all this? Was he just trying fuck things up for a few people in a really minor way? Framing one lowlife crook and then hiding for a while is not a grand master plan. This just leaves too many questions unanswered and unanswerable.


Well, that was AstonSpid numbah 62. Next Issue, Spidey protects May from Eddie Brock, discovers the truth about Miss Arrow and takes on the law. Till then, g'night.

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Archaic Spider-Man Reviews: Number 61

Dark Hunt! Dark Hunt! Dark Hunt!
Try saying that 5 times fast without swearing.

Whew, time for a showdown, right? Well yes, in the second slot, since because of pacing and the stories being drawn out far too long to take up more issues, nothing much happens in the first and third slots this week. Ah well, it's a good-ish showdown, though maybe not good enough to be justifiable as the only real action in the entire AstonSpid.

So essentially I'll get mildly peeved. After the jump.



Slot one is the third part of Back In Black. At the end of the last issue Peter threatened to kill Wilson Fisk (the Kingpin) for hiring the hit on Aunt May. Kingpin's response to this is automatic and natural; he dismantles his tiny prison desk and pulls out a massive bag of money. Cause, y'know, he's the Kingpin, right? He can do anything because, err, he is a rich criminal. Regardless, he bribes the guards to open the locks that night and turn a blind eye – and bring him his clothes. I never really understand why the Kingpin takes on his enemies like this. He may be big and strong, but Spidey's gone toe to toe with the Hulk, and Fisk is hardly in that category of power. By all rights, the Kingpin should have his ass promptly handed to him, and whether he has his clothes and cane or not won't really affect it.

Meanwhile, Peter terrorizes the guy who shot the guy who shot Aunt May, because that's how revenge works in comics. He wants to use this hit-man to send a message to the underworld – the Parker family are off-limits. Peter makes his point by dragging the goon to the sewers, hanging him upside-down and letting rats climb on him, while giving a Kraven-ish speech on predators and prey. 'The men with guns aren't the predators' says Spidey...

I AM THE ONE AND ONLY

Sorry, I came over all Chesney Hawkes. Goofiness projected onto the comic by insecure reviewer aside, this is a pretty cool moment, aside from the unexplained lightsource and the way the goon seems to be dissolving from contact with the sewer water. What do New Yorker's flush down their toilets? Actually, please don't answer that.

After getting his freak on, Peter goes to visit Aunt May. He suddenly remembers that time he gave Aunt May a blood transfusion and saved her life, and decides to give her a transfusion again. I am not exaggerating when I say that this is at least the fifth time Peter has done this in a comic I have read; is it his default response to any injury sustained by someone else? I have this lovely image in my head now of Peter in a hospital bleeding on everyone. It's so delightfully passive.

The comic ends with Peter going to the prison and facing up to the Kingpin. Again, if Fisk has ready access to massive amounts of money even when in prison, why doesn't he just hire Electro or Doc Ock to distract Spidey while he makes his escape? I can't reconcile a fat rich man putting himself in this much danger by attacking a guy who can bench-press ten tonnes on his own, obliterator cane or not. Ah well, it could go down in a different way; let's just wait till next issue to get annoyed further.

Oh good, slot two is the final part of The Strange Case Of... This means we actually get a fight in this comic, as Spidey takes on the powerful Mister Hyde. The comic quotes from Stevenson's novel as narration to bookend the story, a sure fire way to please a geek like me. Spidey has been using a tracking device built by Reed Richards to find Calvin Zabo's underground base, the owner of which is transforming into Hyde. Peter finds Jordan Harrison, who is one of his old students, and starts smashing at the unbreakable glass of the cell, with predictably amusing results. Peter sees genuinely shocked when Hyde appears in place of Zabo, which is somewhat bizarre considering the number of times the two have fought; you'd think Peter would be used to the idea. Whatever, time for the final showdown.

...Or, we could jarringly cut to Black Cat pulling in a few more lookalikes and meeting Jordan's family. That's relevant, right? I hate it when comics do this. I mean, I can understand adding in a few unnecessary scenes to fit a story to the arbitrary 22 pages, but do you have to do it right in the middle of the story's crisis? This cutaway is completely irrelevant, too; Jordan's mother asks Felicia to tell Jordan she is still alive, which Felicia doesn't do, because at that very moment Spidey is freeing Jordan... Can we please get back to the interesting stuff, comic?

>That's better. Spidey and Hyde have a fairly brutal fight, too, including a very awesome moment. You know how it's one of Spider-Man's basic tactics to web over someone's eyes so they can't see?

Fucking. Hard. Core.
(Edited to compress the awesome to one page)

Short, sweet, and a lifetime cure for Youngbloods disease, as well as some pretty hardcore art. Anyway, as the fight goes on, Jordan escapes his cell, takes a flask of potent acid and attacks Hyde, blinding and scarring him while also proving that some people in Peter Parker's situation would 'embrace the dark side' (of the force?). I'm not sure exactly what Zabo/Hyde was trying to get out of this whole debacle, because now he's blind and horribly disfigured, and he hasn't really proven any real kind of point, except that when people get pushed too far they try and hurt you by, for example, throwing acid in your face. Zabo is called an evil genius; he has the evil part down but the genius bit seems to be eluding him.


The third slot here is the second part of Sandblasted. In a head-swelling moment of glee, I am vindicated in mentioning Jumping the Tracks, since it is indeed that storyline which is being continued here. Not sure if this the fault of Brady (AstonSpid's editor) or the original editors, but there has been a massive gap in which an alternate version of Uncle Ben has been running around without explanation or development, following the temporal hi-jinks of Tracks. At the end of said story arc he shot the Spider-Man from 2211 for... no reason. Yeah, this is a big mind-fuck right here; hopefully all will be explained at some point.

So a stoner (comically drinking beer from cans with 'BEER' written in large letters) finds Spidey 2211's helmet and dicks about with it, before taking it away, presumably to fashion a unique personalized bong or something. While this pointlessness is being engaged-in, Jamie Madrox (the SHIELD one) and 'Agent... Sands' are trying to find out more about the arrest of Sandman's dad. Why are they doing this? Because it's Spidey and Sandman in disguise, of course! There was no point to this ploy since Sandman breaks out of character almost immediatly and gives the game away, and before too long Peter's holo-projector conks out too. The two of them have to make a speedy getaway, while bickering like kids. Don't misunderstand my brevity; this was fairly entertaining, just pointless to describe.

In the Requisite Subplot Development, Flash Thompson and Betty Brant go on a date, but The Other (in it's guise of Nurse Arrow from the school) attacks Betty in the toilets and plants drugs to make her look like a cokehead. I'm not sure what this establishes, other than that The Other is still around. I am pretty sure Betty Brant has dated every single guy Peter knows at least twice.

Spidey and Sandy decide to go visit Ben's grave, because Pete has to do that at least every other issue anyway, and it may turn up a clue. They find the stoner, who is still dicking about with the helmet, and...

Ok, three things. Firstly, that's a Manos - Hands of Fate poster right there, which fills me with gooey joy. Second, this kid is called Dennis. Third, Peter getting butthurt over Sandman looking like Ben amuses me greatly. It's also fairly good art, though it is uncredited for some reason, so wait a second. Ok, the name is Todd Nauck, and according to Wikipedia he's... dear god...


This artist came from Rob Liefeld's Awesome Comics; but the really horrid thing is that... Alan Moore worked for them too.

I'm.. I'm in shock, I need to stand up so I can sit down again...

This is the end of comics, people.


Well, that was AstonSpid numbah 61. Next Issue, Spidey finally (hopefully) has a showdown with the Kingpin, Eddie Brock resurfaces, and Spidey and Sandman use the helmet to track down Ben's killer. Till then, g'night.

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Archaic Spider-Man Reviews: Number 60

Woo, ok everyone, it's the one you've been waiting for! Amazing Spider-Man #600!
*Max whispers in my ear*
Woo, ok everyone, it's the one you've probably not been waiting for! Astonishing Spider-Man #60!
Ahh, coincidences. Anyhoo, Back in Black continues this week, as Peter confronts the man who shot Aunt May, rounds up dozens more copycats and then... doesn't do much in the third slot, really.

Oh well, let's power through. Hit the jump!





First slot is the second part of Back in Black. Aunt May is in a coma, and there's nothing Peter can do. That is, there's nothing useful he can do, so he's carrying on under the pretence that he is going to actually kill someone. Peter may believe it, as may JMS, but I really don't - it's such a played out cliché of superhero writing. These days, righteous superheroes with strict moral codes seem to be having little 'lapses' every other issue just to give a bit of narrative tension. Will the hero cross the line and become a killer? Of course they won't; a bit of deus ex machina in the final issue of the arc, and they're back where they were, and stronger for the experience. Bleugh.

I'll admit that Peter is being pretty badass; kicking ass, taking names and even throwing a guy out of a high rise. Wait a minute...

Did... did Spidey just stop a guy from falling by webbing his foot? That is exactly what he did to Gwen! Don't give me that 'she was already dead from shock' spiel, there was a snap sound effect right by her neck. This guy should be dead from the Gwen Stacey effect (or whiplash, to be more technical). This is a flippin' pretty page though, as Max might put it, although the perspective seems wrong on the building to the right, like it's been shoe-horned in.

Regardless, Spidey manages to track down the Martino, the sniper to a train station. He zeroes in on the guy by... standing in the middle of the station and waiting for the ol' Spider-sense to flare up when he is spotted by the sniper. This is slightly ridiculous of course, but it's also very cool, and a good reminder of why I like JMS; he's very good at finding new angles on superheroes powers, just like this. Spidey beats several shades of it out of the sniper, but before he can kill him *snigger* another gunman opens fire and hits Martino, who is rushed to the same hospital as May before dying. This is pretty ironic, but it is weakened by Peter actually pointing out the symmetry, several times. JMS, good writing isn't quite as effective when you wave it in the reader's face and yell 'I AM CLEVER'.

The issue ends with Peter finding out that Wilson Fisk put the hit out on him, and is therefore culpable for Aunt May's injuries. Peter tells Fisk to die, but I really hope he takes a less passive approach than telling his enemy to die next issue, it's a bit lazy. Seriously though, how likely is it that Peter will not just kill, but kill a character as major as the Kingpin? I'd put the odds at about 1000:1, which is about the same as the odds anyone will leave a comment to this review. I'm not bitter though. Really.

Slot two this week is slot 3 last time: The second part of The Strange Case of... With the now revealed presence of Calvin Zabo (Aka Mister Hyde) the strange name is now not QUITE as strange; but as a student of literature I feel compelled to point out that the name of the book being referenced is Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde: there is no 'The'.

If I'm done being annoying, let's review this thing and go home. Peter is rounding up the copycats, several of whom are experiencing more mutations, and all of whom were in circumstances somewhat like Peter's when he was first starting out. This is interesting enough, but things really start getting weird when the cops are dealing with these doppelgängers. The tired, droopy detective has liver spots, a bedraggled appearance and a constant supply of coffee from his (black) whipping boy, Silas. This is just bizarre; but the icing on the cake is what they're looking at.

HAH? What?

Is that guy hulking out? Why is the guy on the ceiling? The shiny guy on the right is wearing a leather jacket OVER his costume, and his hair is coming through the mask; or is that a wig? Why are they all in the same cell? It's not that this is badly drawn or even unexplained. It's just a truly bizarre tableaux. Even though they are masked I imagine each Spidey with a fixed deranged expression as they pose improbably like retarded children. I really hope it's not just me who find this a little bit freaky.

I might have nightmares over that. Anyway, the perps go on about liking being Spider-men because it gives them a chance at a new life; presumably they missed the bit about hideous mutations and death. While this is going on, Zabo watches his 'control subject' try and break out of a weird cell that is modelled like a teen's room. I'll have more to say on this later. Peter meets Reed Richards (why is Peter meeting Reed Richards?) and we discover that Zabo has been tagging his experiments. Back to Zabo, where all is revealed: he is confused as to why a teen granted the powers of Spider-Man would chose to do good. As such, he is running a bizarre experiment in which he takes teens, mutates them and sets them loose to see if they turn to crime or heroics. As someone with a basic understanding of the scientific method, I want to point out that Zabo is insane, but he's not stupid. Even if we buy his motivation of curiosity, his 'control subject' is useless as a control and therefore has no purpose, and this experiment is the most unscientific... Actually, forget it. Spider-Man climbs walls, swings off buildings and has a precognitive danger sense, so calling this science dumb would be hypocrisy, in view of all the messed up comic book science there is.

I guess I'm looking forward to the finale, if only because I'm getting itchy waiting for a proper super-fight, since this was a very action light AstonSpid in general.

Whew, final slot. This week we have a new arc starting, Sandblasted

Sandman is breaking into Riker's, and he seems to swallow a guard whole. Pretty badass really. While he's kicking ass, Spidey dicks about with a helicopter for four pages in what we reviewers call 'filler' Back to the awesome: Sandman is thwarted by... water guns? LAME! He manages to escape without the guy he came for, and drifts apart in the water...

Wow, that's actually damn good. I could make a snarky comment on the fact there's a random shower which has drains feeding right to the sea (pretty good entry point for, say, Hydro-Man) but instead I'll just say that this art is pretty.

Peter has been posing as Ben Ulrich, working as Flash Thompson's deputy and using a holographic doohicky to change his appearance. It's a good thing the art isn't bad, because this is a silly concept. Ben Ulrich is still around, working at Frontline, so posing as him wouldn't work; and why would Peter choose to work under Flash, as assistant coach? He always hated sports. Obviously this disguise is bad, because Flash works out it's Peter and offers him a place to crash. When Peter has gone, however, Flash makes a mysterious phone call. Is the guy who used to make Peter's life hell going to make Peter's life hell? How... unexpected.

Instead of sleeping, Peter does the usual moping over a photo of Uncle Ben, but he's confronted by Sandman, who asks Spidey for help springing his dad out of Riker's – but this is the weird bit. Sandman sees the picture of Ben and declares that this man is the person his father is accused of killing about a month ago. Wait, what? Ben died years ago... Wait a minute, is this a callback to Jumping the Tracks? That was a time travelling mind-fuck which ended with an alternate universe version of Ben running around, but that ran ages ago... What the deuce is going on here?

I guess I'll have to wait till next issue to find out/take the piss.

Well, that was AstonSpid numbah 60. Next Issue, Spidey goes after the Kingpin for ordering the attack on his family, faces down Mister Hyde and, hopefully, works out how the heck Uncle Ben was around to get shot. Till then, g'night.

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Archaic Spider-Man Reviews: Number 59

Ooh, fear the Emo Spider!

Ah, the black suit. I really liked the first few symbiote suit tales way back before the origin of Venom, but I've never really got the appeal of the normal black suit that Spidey wore after he got rid of the original Secret Wars symbiote. In terms of adding to the story or character, it only really worked in stories like Death of Jean DeWolfe or Kraven's Last Hunt. These were big stories that dealt with the deaths of Spider-Man regulars, and they had a dark tone that complimented the look of the black suit.

Well, with Aunt May shot and dying, and Steve Rogers dead as a... dead person, this would seem, on face value, to be a good time to break out the black threads. Lets just hope that J. Michael Straczynski handles it with his usual skill, and that Jeph Loeb... is more like Long Halloween and less like anything he has ever done for Marvel ever. (see any commentary by Max on Loeb's Hulk)

Read on, you crazy diamonds!

The first slot this week is Back in Black 1/5, and JMS gets going fast. The first page is Peter, MJ and an injured Aunt May on a blood red background. Ron Garney, the penciler, did a good job on this tableaux; the emotions of the characters are perfectly realised. Then comes the most badass double page I have read in quite a while; Peter lays down his Aunt, runs outside and throws a frigging Jeep at the sniper, all while shouting NO MORE! Seriously, the only way you could make that more awesome is if the Jeep was on fire. Fire makes everything better.

Anyway, Peter swings May to the hospital out of costume and leaves her dying on a bed. His plan is to let MJ and the doctors look after his aunt, while he... hits a lot of people. Peter finds a damaged rifle scope lens at the scene of the shooting (after webbing up a random cop) and starts tracking down the sniper. This involves breaking into a warehouse and brutally beating a bunch of gun runners, culminating in the interrogation of their leader.

Wow, apparently grief and anger has made Peter's body go through a new mutation, making him look like a retarded shark. Either that, or the artist fucked up, because Peter has messed up cheekbones, a massive neck and a bad case of Young Blood's disease (Linkara's name for the abject lack of eyes). There's something seriously wrong with his nose, too. The crook is evidently so freaked out by Peter's messed up face he spills the beans, and, in the pay-off ending, Peter goes and recovers his black suit, vowing to kill everyone responsible for Aunt May's injuries. Ok, this is a pretty cool moment, but Peter has set out to avenge loved ones before and chickened out so many times, it's hard to take it seriously. Still, Straczynski delivered what I hoped for – the beginning of a fairly mindless revenge story.

The second slot here is part of Jeph Loeb's Fallen Son series dealing with the death of Steve Rogers, Depression.

Peter's in the neighbourhood graveyard (seriously, everyone seems to be buried in the same place in Marvel) talking to his uncle's grave, when he senses the Rhino nearby, and tackles him. In the carnage, Rhino stumbles backwards and crushes a grave – his mother's grave. I quite liked this moment, Spidey jumping in like he always does but misjudging it completely and making a real mess of it. Of course, the Rhino is angry...

Holy shit, what happened to the Rhino? His eyes are melting, his head looks like it's held on by string and he has a weird circular mark (on his right... his right bicep? I can't tell what part of him that is, but his wrist is coming out of it). It looks like someone forgot to put a coaster under their drink. Wait, I think that's his shoulder? His right hand is bigger than his shoulder or his head? This is a train wreck, and his weird angle tops it off, because he looks like he's falling over.

Ugh. Anyway, Having his ass kicked by Rhino reminds Spidey of... having his ass kicked by the Hulk. Back then he was saved by Captain America, but this time he saves himself using a very similar combo of attacks to those Cap used. This is quite a touching moment, really, as the memory of Cap's strength and determination give Spidey the strength to fight on. Bless.

It turns out that Wolverine was watching the whole fight, having followed Spidey. Peter leaves to be alone on the George Washington Bridge, but Logan follows him, and they have what could almost be called a genial conversation on the nature of grief. It's a little heavy handed and clunky, as well as strange that Spidey is essentially being taught about grieving – he's a grandmaster at it. That said, as far as talky endings go, it could have been a lot worse. In fact, Loeb has done ok with this story in general – what the hells going on here? *checks credit page* 'From an idea by J. Michael Straczynski'

Ah, well that explains it.

The final slot is the first part of The Strange Case Of... I'm not dicking about, that's what it's called. It starts with Spidey in his classic togs tackling a robber... hang on a second, this is a Back in Black story! Something fishy is indeed going on – this is a copycat Spider-Man. Unfortunately, this is hardly the first time Spidey has had imitations running around, so it loses a bit of the impact. How about the Clone Saga? That dude that the Angelo Fortunato Venom killed in the first Marvel Knights arc (Awesome moment)? Or the aforementioned Kraven's Last Hunt? Variety is the spice, guys.

So the copycat was recruited by some shady guy and given Spidey-powers and a costume, and so on. He gets arrested, so Spidey (the real one... probably) pays him a visit to find him horribly mutated. By mutated, I mean he has some random brown goo all over his crotch with random arms coming out of it. Well... it's different, I guess. Anyhoo, Spidey runs the mutated guy to Reed Richards and the hospital, while a group of cops try and lay a trap, and fail hard. In fact, there doesn't seem to be a point for the inclusion of this except the filling up of a page. There's more filler after as Peter takes a sample of fluid to Curt Conners so he can analyse it. Since the greatest scientist in the world is already working on it, this is a bit like flogging a dead horse, and it reeks of a writer filling space. It's not that this is bad writing; it isn't. It's just lazily plotted, and I know a thing or two about laziness. The issue ends on a high though, as the shady bad guy is revealed to be Calvin Zabo, aka Mister Hyde, being all nonchalantly badass.

As for the artwork, this is a pretty good representative of the issue; most of the panels are fine in general with a few very odd bits. In this example, most of the perspective is very well observed, especially the background, but there is something very wrong with Spidey's right arm and leg. Kinda disappointing really, because it's very close to being very good art.

Well, that was AstonSpid numbah 59. Next Issue, Spidey continues on his quest for vengeance, deals with even more copy-cats and has a bust up with the Sandman. Till then, g'night.

-Note: This fortnightly feature usually comes out every second thursday or friday; because I was out of the country I only got to the comic yesterday and so it's about 5 days late. Sorry to my legions of fans out there! On a side note, if you enjoy a review or not, please do comment or give feedback, because it helps us write better stuff (this goes for all posts on the site). Cheers.

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Archaic Spider-Man Reviews: Number 58

Salutations to Ganesha, and what better number to start on than 58? Nice, strong number.

In fact, the number refers to a comic we get fortnightly over here in Blighty, Astonishing Spider-Man. I'm an ardent fan of the webbed wonder, so this is the perfect comic for me; three slots fortnightly which hold classic stories a young 'un like myself has never read. The comic also keeps in line chronologically with the other Panini UK collector's editions, and carries a main storyline that is a few years behind the US. At the point of writing, Civil War is only just wrapping up over here; but I am always broadly spoiled as to what Spidey has coming in Astonishing Spider-man, or 'Astonspid', the shortened name that is creepily reminiscent of 1984's Newspeak. A cursory glance at the collection of Max (creator of this proud site) indicates that Astonspid is rare in it's lack of adverts; this week's issue has as usual, 3 unbroken stories with a single ad between each. Very refreshing.

Well, so much for the comic. I shall be reviewing my subscription copy every fortnight here on Flip the Page, in the hope that it will be interesting to a largely American fan audience to see an almost clueless limey rant and gush about last years Spider-man stories. On to the issue, Astonspid No. 58! Ooh, exciting.

This seems like a good time to Read more! So do it.

The first two slots are taken up this week by Amazing Spider-Man 537 and 538, the conclusion of the War at Home Civil war arc. It's been a hectic conflict for Peter; he's had to deal with the ramifications of, y'know, telling everyone in the world who he was. A whole bunch of baddies sprung up to get revenge, including at least 3 Mysterios in a cluster-fuck of What?-ness. Pete's revelation led to one of the most embarrassing moments in years, as the Chameleon, one of my favorite villains, was taken down single handed by... Aunt May.

But enough of the past; now Spidey is on the run with his family after freaking over Tony and Reed's Negative zone prison. There's been some fairly good drama in this arc so far, but I've been hoping the end will be a bit more... astonishing? I'm a big fan of J. Michael Straczynski, and you can tell he's doing the best he can, but the constraint's of the crossover, as ever, curtails the drama of the individual comics. Rather than actually fighting anyone, Spidey has to go over and listen to Steve Rogers explain why he is rebelling against Iron Man. For, like, 4 pages. I thought this is what the main Civil War and Captain America arc was for! By this point in the war, surely every reader knows roughly where Steve is coming from? This kinda restriction is what frustrates me about these big events; the main comics are usually good on their own, but the other titles have to restrict their stories to accommodate the main one. This theme continues when it comes to the report of the final battle in Time Square. We are treated to a few pages of random fighting, with the usual 'meaningful' commentary by Peter Parker. Don't get me wrong; when this is done well it is very effective, but here it just feels like comic's-by-numbers, with no proper emotional power. Then SOMETHING HAPPENS! Of course, we aren't told what happened. You have to buy the main Civil War comic for that, silly reader. This is a bit like reading a competently made fan-fiction with every other page missing. Ugh.

In the sub plot, or as I call it the ACTUAL STORY, Wilson Fisk wants Spider-Man and his family dead. I'm not quite sure of the reason, but heck, he doesn't need a reason. He's a big fat incarcerated Kingpin of crime! Anyway, his big strategy is to hire a sniper. Actually, I like the way Marvel got sniper-happy around this time, it always seems simpler for the super villians to just shoot the costume they want dead rather than hiring some obscure thug like the Ox to get their ass handed to them. The sniper's big tactic is to sleep near the motel where the Parkers are hiding and wait for Peter to turn up. This sort of makes sense, because a sleeping enemy probably wouldn't activate that spider-sense that so often saves our hero's skin.That is, until said sleeping enemy, y'know, wakes up.... Ok, it makes no sense as a tactic, but I'm willing to pin the blame on Quesada restricting Straczynski's freedom, because the alternative would be JMS messing up, and as anyone knows that is impossible. Yep, I'm a biased reviewer, but show me one who isn't and... I guess we would have a job for them. Shush.

So the sniper shoots randomly into the house, and Peter's reactions mean he has time to tackle MJ out of harm's way. But tragically, the bullet hits May in the gut. Oh well, nothing Peter could do, I mean, he's not a precognitive, incredibly agile superhuman with rapidly firing tensile webbing. Ok, I take back some of what I said about snipers being a more sensible choice, because Spidey has dealt with gunmen so many times, it's hard to believe he wouldn't be quick enough to get May down too somehow. It feels like a reverse deus ex machina, as the bullet arbitrarily succeeds in hitting someone. I guess they had to make it believable that May is really in danger; she's had more heart attacks than I've had hot dinners.

Well, I guess this ending has got me waiting for the upcoming Back in Black with excitement, but only really because I'm sick of the overblown speeches and comprehensively anti-climactic action which Civil War, to me, represented. Also, I like AC/DC. Seriously, shush.

-Note. I don't think that there would have been a problem in the first place if they had simply made registration optional, with big incentives to sign up. Pretty much every vigilante who wasn't a Punisher figure would probably sign on the line. Heck, that's just my opinion.

The final Astonspid slot is taken up by Amazing Spider-Man 283, slap bang in the middle of the massive Tom DeFalco Hobgoblin arc. At this point, Hobby has already framed poor old Flash Thompson. I like the fact that the New York police department are presented as so inept that they will be utterly convinced of a man's guilt with an abject lack of motive or history! While this has been happening, Peter has sworn, not for the first or last time, to hang up his web shooters forever... just as soon as he deals with the Hobgoblin. Despite his constant self assurances that he will focus on taking down Hobby, Spider-Man ends up fighting the Absorbing Man and Titania. You remember Titania, one of the women given powers by Dr Doom during the Secret Wars? Ah well. The confrontation ends with Absorbing Man almost crushing Spidey with a bigass plane, a pretty cool moment that is ruined somewhat by the artwork. Apparently, when you absorb the qualities of a plane your ears swell to massive sizes and your eye's vanish completely. The perspective is all over the place too; one moment the characters are right next to each other, the next they are far apart in vastly different poses, despite the fact that nothing has happened. The penciler is Ron Frenz, which surprised me due to his usual competence, at least where the creation of characters is concerned. It's a pretty fun issue overall; run of the mill one shot filler, but unashamedly so.

By the power of Greyskull, I've run out of comic! Next issue: Back in Black begins, with Peter out for revenge, and on top of that, Spidey has to deal with a spate of copycats. Till then, g'night.

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