Update

It has been a long time since I have written anything because I was advised to not share so much. But we have made a decision and are sticking to it, so here is what has been going on.

I lost 20 pounds the first month the boys were here. I had anxiety attacks daily which subsided some when I would concentrate on this being a temporary situation instead of an eternal one. From what everyone who had been through this told me, it was all very normal. Well after the first month everyone said it got better. Mine didn't.

In the beginning of December, we had a very hostile meeting with the extended family of the boys in which they exhibited an extreme dislike for us. More for DCFS in general, but they were NOT happy about the boys being placed in our home. After the meeting the anxiety intensified to the point of my feeling chest pains every morning and struggling to get out of bed - I felt like I was drowning/suffocating on a daily basis. I was not functioning as a wife or a mother, or even a person very well. Another problem I had was that I hadn't felt the spirit since the boys came. I knew my Father was watching out for me, but I was a bit numb and past feeling. I felt cold hearted and very lonely. I struggled going to church because I felt nothing, but always knew that I had to keep going regardless. I didn't trust my inspiration to be from God. Why would He have had me do this just to turn around and get out of it? It came to the point where I had decided to go see Dr Scott because I was worse than I was after all my miscarriages. My body was truly whacked out (although I am not complaining too much about the weight loss!).

Two weeks after this meeting we had a call from DCFS telling us that the next week the placement committee would be meeting to decide final placement for the boys. At that point, we decided we needed to make a decision before that meeting. The only peace I had was in not keeping them. I tried to talk myself into keeping them for a few days, and then a good friend reminded me that I already knew what to do, I just didn't want to. I felt like I was choosing between anxiety and guilt. We have always been told that, "He never said it would be easy, but it would be worth it and that God will not suffer you to be tempted above what ye are able." I felt like I was giving up and letting down my Father and in return getting eternal damnation. Anyway, I decided to choose peace. The only peace I found was in not keeping them. Immediately after making that decision I was able to function better and find joy and happiness again. I almost cancelled my appointment with Dr Scott because I was doing so much better, but decided to keep it anyway.

He helped me put a lot of things in perspective and reminded me that my first priority was to myself, my husband and the children that were already mine. I tried to set up an appointment with my bishop to take care of my "past feelingness" but have still not been able to do that. Thankfully with peace in my heart, I have felt the hand of the Lord again and know he is watching over all of us. It has been a very difficult decision and really hard on Corry who loves those boys, but loves me more.

So, I made the very painful call to the case worker letting him know we had chosen not to adopt the boys. They were blindsided by our decision. The committee met and decided they still wanted to boys placed with us and the case workers came to talk to us about our decision. All the anxiety came back. I questioned my decision and Corry asked if I wanted to see angels. How could I not see the anxiety when they were to stay and the peace when they were to go? The social workers came and we had a wonderful talk about the decision and what they could do better. I told them how I didn't feel like I had anyone in the system to talk to without them coming in and taking the kids away when I was trying to work through my issues. It was a good thing! Peace was restored to my soul and I have been able to function mostly well.

After I made the decision, a bunch of things came to my mind. When Corry travels, it is hard enough with my own kids, not to mention these boys that need a TON of attention and therapy. They both exhibit violent behaviors when they are angry and take a lot of them out on Alli. What would happen when they are teenagers and Kyler is bigger than her? Would he hurt my baby girl? Scotty is a really tough kid, but Carter (2) has brought him to tears twice by hitting him so hard. Many other thoughts went through my head that just increased my peace in letting them go.

Today was the birth parents' trial. They both relinquished their parental rights to the kids. It was heart wrenching to watch. They were both in tears as well as most of us in the court room watching them choose to give their kids a better life without drugs and parents that are not capable of taking care of them at this point. They very much love their sons. I am so proud of them for making that decision to do what is in the boys best interest instead of hanging on to what they want.

So, what happens from here? There is a family friend who wants to adopt the boys but still has some hoops to jump through to get there. Yesterday we found out that 1st foster mom wants them back as well. There are two really good options for them. As soon as the family friend gets their home study in order, they will take both families to the placement committee who will then decide where the final placement will be. We will keep the boys until that time.

What have I learned? I have struggled to find the hand of the Lord in all this. Why did I feel so strongly to do this? Why did we feel it was right to take the boys? Was I just loony from the beginning of it all? I noticed something interesting today. Back in November at the hearing, the parents did not relinquish their rights, but today they did. Why? I wonder if it was the hand of the Lord. If they had relinquished then, we would have been going through with the adoption proceedings now. But they didn't, giving time for the right family to be found (the friend of the family) or the right family to think about what they gave up and change their minds (1st foster family).

I am still wrestling with my inner demons about the whole thing, but ultimately cannot deny the peace I have felt that this is the right decision for everyone. Thank you for your love, thoughts, prayers and kind deeds!

The boys do not know the events of the day, or that 1st foster mom is in the picture again. We are waiting until we know what to tell them after the committee decides where they are going.