Once you are in....you're in

If I commit to you, I am yours until you end it.  I have never left anyone in my life.  I have had many (MANY) leave me but I will always have a place for everyone in my life (yes, even those harmful people ).  Not all people are on my 'seek you out and spend time with you' list but still.........  I don't know if this is a good quality or a bad one.  What it has allowed for is a lot of people in my life.  Which, to me, isn't all that bad at all.

I swear to you, I'll be there for you, this is not a drive by........

Regrets & If Only

Do you hash over an event or events in your head ?  What you should have said or did.  What you wish you wouldn't have done or how you would change the things if you could? 

I find myself talking to myself outloud about such things.  I will be driving along- thinking about how I wish I would have or would not have done xyz and all of a sudden I say outloud, "No! no....just stop thinking about it" or "Why? why did I do that?"  etc.....  Just slips out of my mouth- usually in the car, sometimes in the shower. 

I hate it!  I hate that I have the regrets, that I long for the do-over, that I can't believe I did or didn't say something.  But, I am sure it is human nature to dwell on such things if only subconsciously.

 

I have been running the same few 'if only' thoughts around and around for awhile now,
beating myself up almost daily!  Sigh.......

Randomnesses

Happy Memorial Day to you all.  
Thank you to those that serve and those that have died for us. 

My third child is in baseball.  I know remember why I don't much care for Spring sports (although this is a Summer activity, it started already) it has been beyond cold every single time I have had to take him to a game or practice!  Leave the house where it is 70degrees, get to the fields -rain, wind and cold!!! wth?!

My oldest made this for his 6th grade science invention. It is the "Ball Box" it is an outside ball storage.
Brilliant if you ask me!
It really did resolve an issue we were having- the balls were always in the way in the garage. 
This allows the balls to stay outside and stay reasonably dry. 
Plus the bungees hold the balls in, but make them easy to get out. 

 A mama robin nested under our camper.  As of today there were 2 lil fluff balls in the nest and two eggs.
They really need to hurry and grow up, I really want to get the camper ready for the Summer season

 Ohhhh the more people I get to know the more I believe this!
More so- the more normal and together they seem to have it, the more they are probably faking it!

Finally- this is a body part of mine.  Any guesses as to where?

Sex, Suicide threats, and how you react to them......parenting sux

I was reminded today that :  you may not have control in most situations. 
The only thing you have control over is how you react to what is thrown at you.

 Ponder that one for awhile. Discuss:

Just Smoke and Mirrors

I hardly go out anymore.  I miss it. I went out tonight
It's not the same. The weather could warm, that might help.
Noone is relaxed. But we all have issues right now. That doesn't help

I am just happy I got out. Even if it meant feeling bad about leaving home for a bit
More (stupid) training tomorrow morn adn then working for the afternoon lady on my day off.
Sigh.
and....I think somewhere along the lines we agreed to go to my parents house this weekend. grrrr

so tired. just need sleep. haven't slept well in a long time. I know why....

The End.

~J

Panick attack.....it'll cause you to drool

I had a melt down today. An absolute screaming, crying fit. 

I bet it sure looked awful

Sooooo.....

Training is really messing with my "get shit done at home" time.  I have every other morning later/ earlier schedule.  I use the mornings accordingly:  Monday- FB/blog/email/etc and Wednesday- House work/ just time around the house to regroup.  Friday- I am suppose to be off.  But we have a new computer system and 10 training sessions that we are required to attend.  Now they are paid but it is truly not worth the $15 to drive in on Friday nor is it worth it for me to come in early on Wednesday.  However, I can't say anything about it and I just have to be there.  It's messing with me man!  I already had my tomorrow morn planned out in my head ....when... I hear "don't forget about training tomorrow morning at 7:30am.....ugh ugh double ugh.  We may even want to throw in a "Sigh" here. 

In other news- watch what you say to people because we are imperfect human beings and you will make us question ourselves and in an instant you will or could lower our confidence level instantly.  Even if it is not what you intended.  Point of example:  I wore a short sundress today to work. Because it was (too) short I wore leggings with it and because my bra straps show with it I wore a cardigan like sweater as well.  My boss said something in fun about my outfit (and I do know he didn't mean it to be mean....but....) for the rest of the day I questioned what I was wearing.  When I left the house I was feeling rather sassy and fine.  While shopping later that day someone stopped me and said she loved my dress- thank you!!!!  I said and told her what had happened (hello total stranger~! let me bend your ear) and she said - "ohhhh no!  you look great."   I did move my confidence up a bit....but I do know I will never wear this dress to work again. 

What else?  School is coming to a close as are activities (woohoooo!) however Summer baseball and Basketball camps will be starting up.  Otherwise my family keeps asking me where we are heading on vacation this year (we usually go for a week) and I don't KNOW@!!!*$#&$*#$#( grrr..... any suggestions?

It's easy to do

I have nothing else to add.

 This says it all.

I suck as a sports mom

Spent the whole (damn) day at the ball fields.  7:30am (we live nearly 30 min from field btw) to the last game starting at 5 pm.  I accomplished nothing other than watching the four seasons pass before my eyes, weather wise, in one day- from 80 this late morning to 50 by the time I left tonight.  Rain, wind, cloudy and sunny. 

I get home with time to accomplish something I suppose.  But I am too cold and grumpy to get moving.  I did make my children a HOT dish for supper.  (you all probably call them casseroles)  My toes are starting to hurt- I guess they are warming up.

I really do suck as a sports mom.  I do not like running my kids all over, sitting there waiting, and having my whole day blown on such stuff.  I do enjoy watching the time that my kids play......(don't chalk me up as a complete monster) .  It doesn't help that I am there by myself. Gets boring beside annoying.  Leaving my older two home alone for 6-7+ plus hours alone isn't my idea of a good idea either. sigh......

On a lighter note my boy rocks at baseball!  He, at 9, can throw a ball from the fence to home (now, if someone could catch .....ugh) and he has been doing well at hitting (considering a 3rd grader is pitching) he has to duck more than swing!!!  but when he makes contact it goes far for his little self.  (I had to buy him a special bat because he is such a squirt).  He also got to pitch the last game - didn't hit anyone! got 2 strike outs, only walked one, and only two made contact!

As Hard as it Is (and I am trying to get better about it)

I find that if you just stand up for yourself and say - hey!  damn right I said that, and here is why!  people will back down*. 

Now I just need to get better at it.

Are you good at standing up for yourself?

(*although I am probably more like the lady in this photo.....)

Tweet (and not the social media kind)

There have been a few mornings where it has been nice enough to tip toe out on the deck from bed and listen to the birds sing (tweet).  This is a far better way to wake up then to throwing on snow clothes and shoveling!

<3

Does this blog make my butt look big?

My 39th birthday is coming up sooner than later. 
My oldest has reached the closer to 13 than 12 yr old mark
and
My baby is going to be 8!  Oh man

Does my age make my butt look big???? 

Last year I was proud to tell everyone how old I was because I felt better than ever!  That will be true this year too.  I will see to it.   

A bowl of awesome for breakfast with awesome juice on the side please

ALRIGHT!  DANG IT! 

It is getting nice out. Time to kick some ass and get back to awesome! 

Stand back, I'm about to kick ass and take names and hopefully along the way find my happy again.

Done assuming everyone is judging me and worrying about it- of course they are judging me, it's what humans do.... it is up to me to not care

Time to stop feeling like I am letting everyone down- if I concentrate on work I let the house down and vice versa- tough shit!  I am only one person pulled in a dozen directions- they are going to have to take of me what I can give and be happy with it!

Friends, others....*their* loss if they don't want to keep in touch with me!  I will just have to figure out how to be awesome without them  (duh! just be me ! hehehe)

It will be a turn around (fingers crossed)

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!! Have a good laugh and a good day!!!

BFD Update- in which I use a bunch of paranthese again

A day in my new life:
Up between 5-5:30am
Shower in the dark hoping to wake up slowly
Get ready (hair, dress, make up) before everyone else starts getting up at 6-6:15am

Get the kids ready for the bus at 7am AND get myself to go right after they leave.
Get to work (hopefully) at 7:15am
I work for a chiro as an office admin and deal with patient flow (scheduling, records maintenance, moving people from check in to wait to exam, etc) while it is not terribly hard work it is busy work. I stand the whole time I am there. We have a counter (not a desk) and there is no stool to sit so standing is the only option.  I have been working 7-8 hrs a day the last few weeks and that is 7 hrs straight- no break (a few days I forgot to eat/drink/ or pee)  I am so very tired when I leave for the day (which is suppose to end at 1pm but has been going to 3 the last couple of weeks)

From there I go run the errands I must get done OR I go pick up the kids to get them to their stuff (piano, sports, etc) Now it is time to hurry home and get something on the table that resembles food. Right in the middle of that I need to rush alllllll the way around the bi-way and get my son from track practice.  Back home to finish supper.  Homework help, baths and bedtime for the kids at 8-9.  By the time I get the kids sleeping I just want to fall into bed but try to accomplish something before I do so. Then hubby arrives home from working on our seasonal business and we watch a show (from DVR) before heading to bed.  If I am lucky I catch up on email and FB while watching the show.

Some nights I have been in bed by 9pm and sleeping at 9:30pm (vs my normal 12).  To get up and do it all again.

Now I am sure that some of you are sitting there thinking- boo boo boo, poor baby princess!!!!  We allll have to work and we all have to try to squeeze life into the few hours we have.  But, I have been home for 11 yrs and I have been busy doing the house/yard/business stuff all day long and into the night, now all the things I did all day have to try to be done when?????  Plus what you may not know is I have 4 kids- yes FOUR and they are busy little buggers...  also my husband is not around to help- I am basically a single mother that is married.  If it has to be done, I have to do it.  End of story.

Sigh......anyway, I have been having a hard time with this new schedule (plus learning a new job) I am just not ok right now.  I suppose I will get there, but right now it is hard.    Plus, I have never felt more alone.  I am the one that used to make the rounds during the day visiting my friends (at their work or coffee or whatever, or sending messages etc)  but now I don't hear from anyone.  I'm not around to talk to my online friends.....sigh......  just hard I guess and noone to talk to about it.  I miss those closest to me, or those I thought that were close to me

Anyway, that is my life right now.  I started subbing right after Christmas, from there I went to subbing and working at the office, to working at the office 4 days a week with training on Friday mornings.  Now you know

It really will be fine- eventually.  I will see to it.  I just have to figure things out

Sometimes

Sometimes I just need to step back and let my head clear from you.  Get you out of my brain.  I just need to focus on the here and now. Sometimes it is a means of survival.  Sometimes I just can't keep it all together. 

(ok, this probably won't be my last non-descript posting, but I will maybe do an update this weekend...for now, I just have to blow off a few things)

No, I don't need your opinion

Yes, I do think that having a beer right now will solve things (for the next 16 oz anyway). No, I don't need your opinion on this matter.  What I do need is this simple reminder- don't get sucked back in.  Just keep walking......