I wrote this to my "Helpline" WhatsApp chat group of girlfriends today.

"
Waaa eh actually now and then sometimes I still suddenly reminded of and feel guilty for ditching my ex -_-"

Cos sometimes will see fb then see those common friends then start thinking... and have so many common friends. Not even seeing him or anything. Just like my poly mates

Maybe aso cos I feel embarrassed to meet any poly friends after the break up. And even when they have meet ups they never did call me also ba. Hahahahaha of cos theoretically if they have to choose between my ex or I. My ex is a much better person to meet cos, prestige.

Not that I'm sad or what they didn't call me. But I feel embarrass and guilty whenever I see my classmates or common friends

Waa it's tough to not feel guilty man..... I've come to reasoning some kind of reactions... or emotional response from past experiences.

1. Sometimes (me la) you will forgive a person who breaks up w you to cheat when you see the person genuinely happy with another person and hopefully married. (So it seems that breaking up is worth it)

2. I think I'll only ever get happy and truly live without guilt when I see the ex I broke up with, have a new girlfriend and happily together (and hopefully marry)

LOLOL sorry. Suddenly long messages burst of emotion. Wonder if it's pms... yet it's not here -_-"

Anw so a word to you girls (or girl...since only applies to cpt for now)

Rushing into a r/s soon after your BF cheating on you. Only makes him feel better not worse.

Cos "oh well I broke up with her but she so fast find a new BF. Wow what the hell, she wins. (Ok cool I no need to feel guilty anymore"

I think letting them live with guilt is a worse feeling than knowing you have soon moved on and found a new person to love....

But maybe is just cos I'm naturally "soft" so idk if it makes sense to all people...

Haha ok done ranting. Have a good weekend :D
"



Seriously. I do not know how long I will love with this guilt for. I did not actually cheat. But I guess making him a "just in case" / "until I find a better one" and hanging on to him  is a really bad thing to do...damn I'm such a bad person. :(
But I have to break it. I now live happier, and everything finally feels right,  although with a deep guilt. I seriously hope he finds a good person for himself.

All the best to everyone out there. 😊

Hi Bloggie!
How have you been?
It's been soooooo long yea? It is now 2016; and the last I've blogged was 2012. Thats a good4 four years! Yes FOUR years. as would be expected many things would have happened. It all seems like it happened in a flash. but now that iIve read the last post in the blog (dated 22 may 2016), it does seems like actually, yes, many things have past and happened. It's weird. Only when you reflected it does seems like lots are happening.

Anyway to fast forward and catch up, (because I hope i can pin most of my memories down before i forgot them...hHAHAA I'm afraid my poor memory ain't good enough to recall in near future..well not good enough to recall anw..) ok so here goes...since it's a summary, but its 4 fours (maybe more) it's gonna be a long post ;)

Let me back track a little. (retrieving information from FB..cos bad memory)

2010 - 2012 NUS
I've been on a journey of slave studying...in a pretty good school in NUS (National University of Singpaore)

After getting a really decent GPA score (top4% of my entire cohort, of actually only 40 people..which means top 4) in DMAT (Diploma in Music and Audio Technology), I managed to squeeze into NUS.
I just tried it for fun, I didn't think I would be getting into NUS as it is really a good school, well..well-known. And its top 30 school i think, in the entire world? top in asia? Top10? I dont really know. Anw, I tried enrolling into this school. In Faculty of Arts and Social Science, because that's the closest i can get to being with doing music. And enroled into the Communications and New Media major.

I didn't bother choosing other schools, because well, I'm lazy. First NTU is too far, NUS is far enough. But NTU...anyway they require a portfolio to be and and submitting. NUS merely require you to write some simple short paragraphs and essays in a form to be filled and submitted. Easy and lazy enough for me. SMU...well i think i tried to go for psychology class there. but interview must have failed miserably, I didn't quite like it anyway. And NUS is cheap! Because of gov subsidies. i only had to pay $6000 per semester (and i did 5 semester, thats 6x5; $30k!, On top of that i had more subsidies, so it amounts to about $24k? $26k? can't remember my memory is hazy on the numbers but yea pretty cheap if you consider university education and considering it is a very well known school. I couldn't / wouldn't have any other choices if it werent NUS NTU SMU anw, it was too expensive. and NUS is the best school in sg too...

Ok back to NUS. When I first got the entire package mailed to me that I've got offered to Join FASS, I was extremely overjoyed! I literally JUMPED with joy on the spot on the ground, with the presence of my family aka my parents, smiling broadly, holding to the envelope and letter half read, and announcing that I've gotten into NUS. Because it is undreamed of that I'll ever get to Uni. I have no idea why i have such low self-esteem, well i guess my studies were never really super good. Not as good as those elites anw, although coming to thinki about it...and having surveyed many friends, tbh mine was pretty decent. But thats only long after NUS that I've found out..

But school was a whole different thing

1.  I hated the journey to school. It's a 2 hours ride to school every school days. Which makes it 4 hours of life wasted on bus. And so because of that, I've tried to make my schedule as concise as possible fitting everything into 3 days, so i had only to come to school for three days. And I am super proud of my scheduling hehehe. 
2. Cos of that, I hated it when my project mates decided to hold project meetings on my off days..i.e. 1 hour of meeting in school for a 4 hour bus ride. It plain sucks
3. I dont have many friends in NUS. Apart from Siewting, and Xin Yi, and Swee Fang, who came with me to NUS from poly, I pretty much had no friends. Oh and i met Joycelyn Tan too, the one girl who is always in the same school as me since kindergarten, pri, sec, poly, uni.
4. The reason i didn't have friends is because I am unwilling to make any. They were mere project mates, and i would call passing by friends who i would sit together and chat during lectures to make life a bit less miserable there and sometimes (seldom) lunch. Real reqson behind that was because I have a sense that people in NUS are all back-stabbers who would do anything to backstab "friends" to get  ahead in life / school work and marks. So being super wary and scared, I rather not have friends.I've also gone through a slight depression while in there. it may be why as well..
5. talking about backstab. I was backstabbed by poly mate fang. Well she was kind to me. because my schedule had one which ends class at 8pm every alternative tuesdays and wednesday I have class starting at 8am. which resulted me in not having enough time to go sleep if i were to go home. so fang was very nice to let me bunk in in her dorm in NUS, and it's a sweet dorm. Not those mass cheap place but one like apartment mini single suite with aircon. Hers was a room, kinda big with a a bathroom of her own. Their kitchen would be a common one shared by all the residence in common floor. It is a nice place, where other apartment building nearby, would have proper family sized suites for lecturers with family. She is nice to let me bunk in to sleep every fortnight, and let me leave my sleeping bag there. This msian girl even let me sleep in her room alone for a day or two, because she's just not gonna be. i have the entire bed and room to myself! It's heavenly enough. (and i secretly on music to a certain volume not extremely loud but kinda loud, and went to take and shower and parading naked after shower around the room once..to which she voiced out to me that i've on my music too loud, please dont do that. It makes me shiver inside a bit like did she saw me dancing around naked? or its it just the neighbours complaining the noise. I hope is the latter. We even shared and chat to each other during some of those nights, it was so nice like talking about stuffs with your friend and falling asleep together. It is a nice feeling. BUT BACKSTAB yes this was supposed to be a topic on backstabbing. Once we were in the same course. But different class. She innocently asked me for a final project, what am i doing, and i just told her whatever i'm doing for my project, it was a pretty novel idea, like it was new and fresh and i liked it. But then few days/a week later I found out from another friend what she did. She copied my entire project...for the same module. i was pretty angry, and became wary of everyone since then. It was the first school semester...maybe if it werent for her i might get more friends?
6. back to friends. I also disliked the idea and think its dumb to be doing what many in the school is doing as well. to choose your modules and timetable just to follow your friend's time and schedule so you all can be happy and lovey dovey tgt forever and wont feel alone. NOPE i dont need that. I'd rather be building my own perfect timetable to whatever modules i like to have and benefitting me the most :) I love it that way and i'm happy
7. I've also learnt and enjoy eating myself then. Didn't have friends to distract me from doing my readings and studying and assignments during lunch is one great luxury i enjoy. and i get to choose whatever i want to eat!
8. but a bad thing to that i didn't have a lot of money, living like a broke, I feed off a cheap malay stall everyday in my school faculty (about $1.xx per meal of rice and one or two vegetable) Plus hainvg gastric often because of stress but i cannot not eat, I've bloated and become quite chubby then and i absolutely didn't like it. 
9. Well friends, i have a few interesting ones. 
1.  Jessie, who always sticks tgt with siewting(STT). 
2. Alvina, who is a small frame skinny little girl, who i presume is an otaku and what otaku loves, she has an otaku bf (found out on fb after left nus) and well, she loves games anime, secretly likes to cosplay i think and when she drives omg. this girl drives at 150-160km/hr. she can reach NUS from kallang at around 10am within 15mins! she drives like initial D. zig zagging along the way in expressway like no other. I'm both shock and impressed when i sat in her car. I aim to be able to drive like her lol.
3. Ailin, who is a korea fan
4. Amanda, who is kinda cool active person who is generally nice actually...
5. Chun En, (not so much friends but project mate) I was super impressed by her she can draw and when she types OMG she can type her essay like its just simply flowing out of her fingers, without even the need to think she just completes her essay super easily. She is GODDES in my eyes. Shes a double major/ major minor. One major in Business and a minor or second major in new media and comms (which i believes is her love). She seems to have ample time in her hands despite being one who takes double major, she even has time to bake for us all during crunch time! WUT?
6. this is just an interesting addition, i had a friend called Benjamin, who we flirted on text a little bit, despite me having a bf then..i know its bad but it's all just for fun..it was kinda nice too tho. :P
7. David Siow, someone who've i've met and kinda admire too, a bass player in Take Two, a singapore band, who i thought initially he plays drums cos he is always "drumming" away with his hands and feet on just his lap and floor but it makes total music. and also his dorm room. Oh yes dorm room, this is the other dorm room which i've experienced. the only other one the more commoner, cheaper dorm where everyone else is living at. theres a few dorms all around the campus as the campus is HUGE. this one is near FASS. I've camped in his room solo once and another guy's room another time. We were there to crunch theatre studies project, where we are project mates and had to do an act together it was all so fun! The dormitary people are all so nice, making me wanna stay in dorm as well. Theirs didn't have aircon i think but it has a big fan that makes the room very well vandilated. David has a room by himself it smells so damn good like some a lot of candles which he burns with a flowery scent i love it. He even has a hamster in the dorm! Sadly he has a gf, or i might think of pursuing him LOL. And another guy who is big and tall cant rem his name but he is one who had to carry me half way during the show hahahaa lifted me off with one arm on his shoulder omg crazy moment girls would faint and die for lol, damn how is he so strong~ he stays in a bunk room with another mate. so basically there two single sized bed in a room (or is it four) anw yup thats his room a lot less personification, unlike david's with lots of posters on the wall. but it is still nice. makes me really like dorm life. must have lots of memories if i live in a dorm
8. theres several others, but too much to type here, theres lackern, breton, whom I've met from game designing class, they are from IT course. Theres jia min whos very nice and supportive person also. Theres lecturer like tommy who taught me to finally good english and my grammars in sem 1, damn he is good. theres also a cultural music teacher who teaches global music i believe. Sadly the last i heard few years back, he has contracted ALS, (the sickness that Stephen Hawkings has, but most died 5 years after) it is rally saddening, that semester i heard he will complete it and return home to USA for living the rest of his life. I hope he is still coping and doing well, not too much of illness...i do wish him well.
10. hmm what else is there to write. OH yes when i was in school, i am pretty much mad distressed and depressed most of the time. i would be spending every waking hr reading my readings and doing assignments. On bus, i would do them read them, on MRT, during lunch, during dinner, during shower. the only time i had rest was playing a bit of Plant VS Zombie, and a period of time Sims to get me through. 
11. and my bf then Evan, wasn't of much help either, he was in army so yea. and when he does try to help, he makes me more depressed. He likes to dig into the darkest part of my heart when initially i didn't even have tbh, i dont even know where he gets them and imposed it on me like a posionous toxic octopus which stuck onto me like i'm one with it and say thats my issue i have this problem i caused it upon myself, i choose this path to go to NUS he told me so to choose wisely and its my choice dont regret choosing like i did a bad choice. oh wells. i may or may not have. he just hopes for my better but in a wrong way. He wanst me to join him in ever pursue of music to go to a music university instead but i choose nus.
12. NUS was sometimes still fun tho. 
• Like the theatre studies where we bounded tgt went for night prata trips etc.
• game design where we create and wrote games and test out tgt. damn it was fun
• photography: with STT we went around here and there filling out assignments tgt..fulfilling the shots thats need, and evan would accompany me to some shoots then. my camera is really heavy tho (tho its the lightest one alr then) but my back hurts from caryying it lol
• media designing module damn i love still being able to play with photoshop and stuffs, it makes me think creatively of deeper meanings and all
• i hated all the theory modules esp CMN theory oh wells but through those i learnt too..actaully no. forgotten much of it
• but there's some other theory modules thats really interesting and i actaully like! like the south east asia one damn cultures are interesting
• Singapore film turns out to be really interesting as well i liked it! It is where we made the film polariod
• actually i enjoyed most project based classes
• i didn't like biz class. perhaps it was some bad stigma i had from prev interaction w biz. but now that i looked back on the class of game theory i think its quite benificial and i kinda enjoyed it those theories i learnt, just that perhaps well...i'm not good at it maybe? haha
• There's a science with music but i did badly...not sure why..i think it was some memory work i had screwed up as well
• well you see i can only take up project based modules, else i die.
• I took psychology, thought i may want it as a major, but couldn't be more wrong. :( i hated it not the subject but the way NUS made how the subject was tested. I remembered all the facts and meaning behind each conditioning or whatever, but i really aint a good memory person, i couldn't remember the dates and names of the psychologist etc which is what they only tested on. like wth why are they even impt like which year did pablo rang the bell but not feed the dog yet it salivates is important?! I didn't do too well i guess but yea, i like the subject it is interesting, but nope not the way it is tested in modules.
13. My sis works there for a brief-ish moment too! That's what makes NUS A LOT BETTER, i would sometimes lunch with her, visit her in the office and use her printers for the abundance of never ending readings to print lol. She works in a nice office facility in the nus biz sch, in a super newly furbished and porsche looking place, filled with glass windows and aircon all round. We would love going home tgt-ish thanks to melvin who drives us home hehe thank god. my sister wasn't living with me already by time i'm in nus. and she was pregnant too in my last year i believe. Love my sis to the bones hehe.
14. My internship out to USA boston was done during a school break in NUS too! It was probably the most enjoyable thing I've ever done to myself in 27 years (omg i'm 27? i thought i'm 26..)
• maybe this one deserves another blog
15. what else? Hmm i enjoy some of the food in NUS
1. the indonesian bbq the sambal chilli is spicy as hell but also damn nice
2. the fruit juice in FASS OMG ITS HEAVENLY and cheap and FRESH its always long q
3. i would sometimes eat the japanese food, it not too bad but not too cheap
4. theres western food in near the BIZ campus..kinda cheap ish and nice
5. MY FOOD COURT IS THE BEST! FASS FTW it has some yong tau foo laksa which i sometimes have as well tho me no like yong tau foo
6. the science campus have western in aircon place which i eat as well...and when i visit there for lecture i would sometimes buy carrot cake the one big piece one in the mrng hehe
7. oh the engineering/computer science canteen has quite some godly food as well but we seldom go there. 
8. theres a newly built up area campus, during my last year of study. cant rem the name but it was fancy and has resturant i remember eating at the bruce lee resturant a few times haah it was a damn treat
9. yusoff ishok house has nothing much, but would go there for starbucks its cheaper :P and well...the prata imagine eating prata with plastic fork and spoon...-.-
16. Traveling aronund campus was all about bus...and lots of walking stairs climbing and hills climibg. i think it makes us all fit. rushing from one place to another. our classses all ends 15mins early..as in like it would start at 1pm and end 2.45pm the 15mins grace is for traveling from one part of the school to another.
17. my GPA is still not too bad too...i was at the rank of 2nd upper class honor when i graduated. although i didn't continue to pursue honors...cos well i couldn't withstand it anymore. I thought all those study and a bachelor degree is enough.to which i still think so. and i dont look fwd to writing thesis. HAH
18. oh and my my i had episodes of weird heart palpitations when i was there i think i'm too stressed then. This and gastric was all cured after my USA boston intern trip :)
19. have no idea what else to write, its a lot alr. can't quite rem..

That's all for NUS and today! I have to rush down to mommy's stall to help them a little.
my dad says today they have a huge group of 55 packets of noodles to prepare and need me there to pack! interesting isnt it? its apparently for some army...
ok thats all for NUS. tadah for now. I hope i do return to write more. and post the pictures in here

Hi.
It's me again.

Typing away on the keyboard.


I thought this looks like a new chapter. And hence I started a new post for this.


Talking about jobs. I'm on the verge of giving up hope on clinching my dream job.
In this little saturated place, I feel like I have no where to go. Like a rejected sparrow, buried in sorrows.

What should I do?

Hi My Dear Blog/ Diary,

Wow you've really changed your layout and all huh.
It must be weird to see me back to this semi-abandon space again.

Well, perhaps I have a sudden urge of writing a blog?
Perhaps I feel like writing a diary book for a while, and I came here to release part of my yearning?
Perhaps I just feel like writing!

Lots have been happening. (And I can't believe I'm writing so much personal blogging like I'm writing a real diary entry on this public space hahaa)

Since I've graduated from the university (which I thought was the worse of my life, going through a mild depression, falling sick psychologically and physically, especially in the "gastric-prone" state). I felt a little worse. But at least there are ups and downs sometimes exhilarated, at times exasperated, and others depreciated. But at least I'm a little more healthy now. Mentally and physically! : >


Oh and did I talk about going to Yoga classes?
Zoe have gotten some 14-days free trial of Yoga classes from one of the clubs in Orchard. We've gone to two so far. Last Saturday, we went to our first class (we signed up for Hot Yoga). Wow! It was our first time trying out yoga (for me first time 'professionally') and also first time Hot Yoga! We were doing yoga in a heated room of (supposedly) 37degrees Celsius. The spot were we're at possibly didn't have as much consistency in the temperature though. Coz I felt some cool air in the mist of the hot ones. But the room have the really orangey tinted lights which makes you feel like being in a desert. It was alright I would say, but left us both really bad aches. From arms, to back, to thighs, to stomach....it shows how unhealthy and under-exercised we are huh. :P

Yesterday's lesson called the Yin & Yang Yoga which was meant for practicing breathing or something (but felt more like a patience exercise) was kinda boring. And I didn't felt good at all after doing it. We tried the steam bath, and it was so much better than the yoga itself! And today, I've got a slight headache again! Possibly due to this yoga with so many postures that have the head going at an downward position...pfft. (hate headaches)


Well the reason why I am sad and agitated is because, It is FREAKING HARD to find a suitable job! Well at least for me, it has been really hard trying to find the dream job I want.
1. I wanted a job doing music. --> Which is really difficult in SG as the music ind/scene here is freaking small. (I seriously do not mind a slightly lower than usual degree pay for this. But I would like to be in a good company, or at least a good working environment and organized company.)
2. If I do not get to do music. I would love to get a degree paying job (& I mean like at least 2.5k). Else all my hardship while studying and trying to pull through will be wasted right? What for I get something that isn't my preference of doing and still having low pay? It doesn't make sense.


And now I'm under probation in a post production audio house. As a (junior) producer. Producer sounds pretty glamourous eh? But it isn't the kind of producer for all my life I thought it was. It is another kind of producer. Which I would call it to be more like an admin + PR person. Kinda boring to me. After less than a month, meh. I feel there's no purpose in life like this. Nothing is fulfilling. I'm happier even when I'm studying, as I feel that I'm learning. It is meaningful, I'm doing things that matters.

Worse point of this job? Many of my colleagues are smokers. I really hate cigarette smell. I could take the smell of weed (smells good actually) but not cigarette. In the office, there are 3 people who constantly (taking turns or not) going to the pantry for a smoke break. Sadly, there isn't a door stopping any cigarette smell from creeping down the stairs from the third floor to the second (where I'm at). And I have to constantly cover my nose and mouth with my jacket sleeve, breathing through there. It has now (after 1.5months) come to the point where I feel like puking whenever I smell the cigarette brand of my boss's. When walking in front of a pedestrian on a walkway who's smoking the same brand, I feel like vomiting. And I totally have to hold my breath and slowly breathe in and getting used to the smell of cigarette till I reach second floor so as not to feel sick.

These two points have really made me consider over and over and OVER again, if I should really take up this job.

But not all is bad. Other than learning new aspect on this audio industry which I fall in love for the production over a few weeks, the colleagues (despite the smokes) are pretty cool to work with. And I pretty much like the office's furniture layout, and studios. They are clean and tidy, not a headache to see at all. The organization of the company is good too. Unlike the previous company which offered me my dream job of Sound Designer/Composer.

Sometimes I ask myself, did I regret not taking up the offer to be what I wanted to, and to accept the other which is bleh...
I always ended up reassuring myself. Meh. Nope. That previous company was way too disorganized. I'll die there. But now I'm left disorientated myself... :/

Thanks for hearing me rant. :)

i really hope this will be true once again.

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I may be in one right now.
I'm so depressed.
Almost feel like giving up.

ANY ONE CAN HELP ME FIND A JOB? ANY LEADS? ANY RECOMMENDATIONS FOR ME? PLEASE?