I always knew this day would arrive. I just didn't know how it would make me feel until it really happened. 

Today, my brother moved into his own place. 

Honestly, I'm truly happy for him cause he has been waiting for a long time and finally, his place is ready. We have been constantly chatting about his renovation progress, my grand plans of taking over his room, how he needs to clear everything so I can use his room etc. He has also told us about his plans to shift today. So to be fair, it didn't take me by surprise. But I guess it just never really sunk in? The true meaning of shifting. Even up till yesterday, when 木木 asked me how I'm feeling about my brother shifting out - my reaction was still, "I don't think it would make much difference? I lived alone in Sydney for 2 years after all. Plus, he usually gets off work late. By the time he is home, I'm mostly in my room already." I would say I was pretty nonchalant cause there were periods when he wasn't around at home like during army or when he's travelling, and it didn't make much difference. Our work schedules have also made it such that we don't have much time to chat on weekdays anyway. 

I think it only started creeping up on me this morning when I saw the different boxes of items stacked up, the pieces of luggage lined up, the constant trips from his room to the car and back, the loading of the car with all the things, his things. I asked him, "Why must you shift out when mummy and daddy are overseas! Now I'm alone at home." And in his typical banter style, he said to me, "You still have Ah ma at home with you."

When I met 木木 for dinner today, I confessed to him that I'm quite affected by my brother shifting away, way more than I imagined. There was this heaviness in my chest, my eyes started watering, my nose became stuffy...  and then I felt a pat on my head. I asked 木木 how he felt when his sister moved out. He said, "I don't think sad is the right word. It's more of a realisation that, this is it, she is really moving out". And I guess I have to agree that I don't have the vocabulary to describe what and how I'm feeling now. 

I went to my brother's room to take a look just now. To look at how large his wardrobe is with just a couple of hangers in it, to look at how bare the walls are without his pictures, and really, to look at how void the space is. And I guess in that moment it truly sunk in for me, he is not staying here anymore. I won't hear his usual "hello" when he's back home, nor the "shh!" when I'm being too loud. We will no longer have the random head popping into my room to check out what I'm doing. Now this place would be known as "mummy/daddy's home" and not just simply "home" anymore. 

I guess mummy and daddy not being home also made it worse. They would have teased me for being dramatic and said, "Aiyo, it's not like he won't come back! He is also just 4 MRT stops away.". There would also be noises from the television filling the house when I returned, instead of being greeted with a deafening silence. But I guess I'm also thankful to have this space and time by myself to process my feelings. 

I know that I will be okay. In a couple of days, I might even look back at this entry and chuckle to myself for being so melancholy. But to the Vivien who would be reading this in future, know that your feelings right now are valid. Penning down this moment is also just for you to remember how you feel and to articulate your thoughts while you process your feelings. 

And kor kor if you're reading this, please know that I'm happy for you, but I will also miss you. See you when you're back. 

Hello there. I almost forgot about this personal space of mine. 

In case you don't already know, I'm done with my Masters (MSLP) and have been back in Singapore since 15th January. And also 6 weeks (since 20th April) into my current job as a Speech Therapist / Pathologist, whichever term you prefer. I'm working at Lee Kong Chian Gardens School MINDS, working with children aged 7 - 18yo with intellectual disability and/or autism. I guess that's probably the most important update for now. 

Honestly, time really flies. It's 2021 already! Just a couple of entry before I was writing about feeling very stressed with my Masters. Then look where I am now, 6 weeks into my job already. The only thing that hasn't change is how I'm still feeling overwhelmed. The learning curve is really steep and I've honestly lost count of the instances of self-doubt and questioning if I know what I'm even doing. But I'm still doing alright though. Life is tough, but I know I'm tougher. So all's good for now. 

Another thing that probably hasn't change much is the COVID-19 pandemic. One year ago I thought things would be back to normalcy by now. But I guess life is unpredictable in that way. This time though, I feel a whole lot better. Partly cause I've gotten used to this pandemic already. And definitely also cause I'm back in Singapore with my family and friends now.

I have this habit of typing out an entry and not posting it so here is an entry of when COVID-19 first happened, written on 22nd March 2020: 

I feel overwhelmed.

And I have a lot of thoughts floating in my head at this moment that I think I need to write it down to keep my sanity.

I know I always portray myself to others as a pretty positive vibes person. Because I really don't like to spread negative energy. It's simply unnecessary and most of the time people find it difficult to deal with negativity. Let's face it. It's easier for negativity to rub off someone than positivity. But honestly, I do overthink stuff and I do worry unnecessarily from time to time too. And I like writing down how I feel as a coping mechanism. So this entry is me, trying to deal with my inner worries and negativity.

COVID-19 has been stressing me up since before I flew back to Sydney. Initially there were quite a number of cases in Singapore and I was afraid of not being able to enter Aussie / being asked self-quarantine for 14 days and affecting my placements. Which is why I came back extra early and stay at home as much as possible for 14 days prior to school commencing.

School and placements both started off well in end Feb, but all these were a facade of a looming fate. What I would call the calm before the storm, that all came crashing in early March. Honestly I should have anticipated it. Considering how COVID-19 knows no borders and how complacent it was at the airport when I came back; can you believe there was no temperature screening, the most basic thing to even implement at the airport????

So NCSS (my scholarship organisation) has been trying to track all of us and has asked us to fill in this status update form every day. And in this form there are questions like:

"Are you returning to Singapore?" (Y/N)

followed by a

"If you decide to remain in the country, please provide us the reasons for your stay."

I know they mean well and have our best interest at heart. But honestly for someone who actually wants to return home, answering these questions is like forcing me to make a conscientious decision EVERY. SINGLE. DAY on whether I want to return home or stay here.

Also the internet at my place is breaking down. 

I am too. 

I guess you can just see how anxious I felt when writing it. The reason why this entry didn't get to see daylight then was cause I'm away in another country and I really don't want my family and friends to worry about me. But I've decided to publish it now cause my feelings then were very valid and I want to remember them as it is. Albeit they weren't exactly the best moments. But hey, life isn't always a bed of roses right? 

Recently I catch myself scrolling through my past Instagram posts a lot. I have always known that I'm a sentimental individual who likes reminiscing about the good old times. And somehow I always remember random small snippets of memories that honestly aren't very significant. I guess this is me, being quite reluctant to accept adulting as it is. Just like how I never liked movies/shows with sad endings. Why must things change? But deep down I know change is the only constant. So I guess sometimes we just have to accept things that we don't like. And perhaps that is adulting. 

That's about all for now. Not much of an entry, and not sure when I'll be back again too. 

 "I don't want to eat, I want to die."

This was something one of my patients said to me when I was reviewing his swallowing during lunchtime. And at that moment I just froze. My mind went blank and I didn't know what to say. Then silence filled the air for a couple of seconds before the patient changed the topic. 

I don't know how many of you have actually experienced people expressing their suicidal thoughts. It is honestly, quite heartbreaking to hear. I can't imagine what that person has been through and how tough life must have been on him/her. While this was something I predicted would happen since I found out my allocation to a mental health setting for placement, it still impacted me quite a lot. I felt like I needed to say something. Like just anything to help them lessen the pain. 

But I didn't. 

Because I didn't know what was appropriate to say. I just didn't know how to react. And honestly, I am angry at myself for not saying anything. Here I have someone going through so much in his/her life, and there I am going on and on about the food he can eat as if that was the most important thing to him/her - where did I get the confidence that eating is a priority in his/her life? And I'm also ashamed at how little I know about mental illnesses. There is so much stigma/taboo attached to it that it's just so ... upsetting. 

To everyone who is fighting their own inner demons, my heart goes out to you all. Please reach out for help and I hope you find your inner peace and security soon. 

----------

Julia Brennan - Inner Demons

I always knew this day would arrive. I just didn't know how it would make me feel until it really happened. 

Today, my brother moved into his own place. 

Honestly, I'm truly happy for him cause he has been waiting for a long time and finally, his place is ready. We have been constantly chatting about his renovation progress, my grand plans of taking over his room, how he needs to clear everything so I can use his room etc. He has also told us about his plans to shift today. So to be fair, it didn't take me by surprise. But I guess it just never really sunk in? The true meaning of shifting. Even up till yesterday, when 木木 asked me how I'm feeling about my brother shifting out - my reaction was still, "I don't think it would make much difference? I lived alone in Sydney for 2 years after all. Plus, he usually gets off work late. By the time he is home, I'm mostly in my room already." I would say I was pretty nonchalant cause there were periods when he wasn't around at home like during army or when he's travelling, and it didn't make much difference. Our work schedules have also made it such that we don't have much time to chat on weekdays anyway. 

I think it only started creeping up on me this morning when I saw the different boxes of items stacked up, the pieces of luggage lined up, the constant trips from his room to the car and back, the loading of the car with all the things, his things. I asked him, "Why must you shift out when mummy and daddy are overseas! Now I'm alone at home." And in his typical banter style, he said to me, "You still have Ah ma at home with you."

When I met 木木 for dinner today, I confessed to him that I'm quite affected by my brother shifting away, way more than I imagined. There was this heaviness in my chest, my eyes started watering, my nose became stuffy...  and then I felt a pat on my head. I asked 木木 how he felt when his sister moved out. He said, "I don't think sad is the right word. It's more of a realisation that, this is it, she is really moving out". And I guess I have to agree that I don't have the vocabulary to describe what and how I'm feeling now. 

I went to my brother's room to take a look just now. To look at how large his wardrobe is with just a couple of hangers in it, to look at how bare the walls are without his pictures, and really, to look at how void the space is. And I guess in that moment it truly sunk in for me, he is not staying here anymore. I won't hear his usual "hello" when he's back home, nor the "shh!" when I'm being too loud. We will no longer have the random head popping into my room to check out what I'm doing. Now this place would be known as "mummy/daddy's home" and not just simply "home" anymore. 

I guess mummy and daddy not being home also made it worse. They would have teased me for being dramatic and said, "Aiyo, it's not like he won't come back! He is also just 4 MRT stops away.". There would also be noises from the television filling the house when I returned, instead of being greeted with a deafening silence. But I guess I'm also thankful to have this space and time by myself to process my feelings. 

I know that I will be okay. In a couple of days, I might even look back at this entry and chuckle to myself for being so melancholy. But to the Vivien who would be reading this in future, know that your feelings right now are valid. Penning down this moment is also just for you to remember how you feel and to articulate your thoughts while you process your feelings. 

And kor kor if you're reading this, please know that I'm happy for you, but I will also miss you. See you when you're back. 

Hello there. I almost forgot about this personal space of mine. 

In case you don't already know, I'm done with my Masters (MSLP) and have been back in Singapore since 15th January. And also 6 weeks (since 20th April) into my current job as a Speech Therapist / Pathologist, whichever term you prefer. I'm working at Lee Kong Chian Gardens School MINDS, working with children aged 7 - 18yo with intellectual disability and/or autism. I guess that's probably the most important update for now. 

Honestly, time really flies. It's 2021 already! Just a couple of entry before I was writing about feeling very stressed with my Masters. Then look where I am now, 6 weeks into my job already. The only thing that hasn't change is how I'm still feeling overwhelmed. The learning curve is really steep and I've honestly lost count of the instances of self-doubt and questioning if I know what I'm even doing. But I'm still doing alright though. Life is tough, but I know I'm tougher. So all's good for now. 

Another thing that probably hasn't change much is the COVID-19 pandemic. One year ago I thought things would be back to normalcy by now. But I guess life is unpredictable in that way. This time though, I feel a whole lot better. Partly cause I've gotten used to this pandemic already. And definitely also cause I'm back in Singapore with my family and friends now.

I have this habit of typing out an entry and not posting it so here is an entry of when COVID-19 first happened, written on 22nd March 2020: 

I feel overwhelmed.

And I have a lot of thoughts floating in my head at this moment that I think I need to write it down to keep my sanity.

I know I always portray myself to others as a pretty positive vibes person. Because I really don't like to spread negative energy. It's simply unnecessary and most of the time people find it difficult to deal with negativity. Let's face it. It's easier for negativity to rub off someone than positivity. But honestly, I do overthink stuff and I do worry unnecessarily from time to time too. And I like writing down how I feel as a coping mechanism. So this entry is me, trying to deal with my inner worries and negativity.

COVID-19 has been stressing me up since before I flew back to Sydney. Initially there were quite a number of cases in Singapore and I was afraid of not being able to enter Aussie / being asked self-quarantine for 14 days and affecting my placements. Which is why I came back extra early and stay at home as much as possible for 14 days prior to school commencing.

School and placements both started off well in end Feb, but all these were a facade of a looming fate. What I would call the calm before the storm, that all came crashing in early March. Honestly I should have anticipated it. Considering how COVID-19 knows no borders and how complacent it was at the airport when I came back; can you believe there was no temperature screening, the most basic thing to even implement at the airport????

So NCSS (my scholarship organisation) has been trying to track all of us and has asked us to fill in this status update form every day. And in this form there are questions like:

"Are you returning to Singapore?" (Y/N)

followed by a

"If you decide to remain in the country, please provide us the reasons for your stay."

I know they mean well and have our best interest at heart. But honestly for someone who actually wants to return home, answering these questions is like forcing me to make a conscientious decision EVERY. SINGLE. DAY on whether I want to return home or stay here.

Also the internet at my place is breaking down. 

I am too. 

I guess you can just see how anxious I felt when writing it. The reason why this entry didn't get to see daylight then was cause I'm away in another country and I really don't want my family and friends to worry about me. But I've decided to publish it now cause my feelings then were very valid and I want to remember them as it is. Albeit they weren't exactly the best moments. But hey, life isn't always a bed of roses right? 

Recently I catch myself scrolling through my past Instagram posts a lot. I have always known that I'm a sentimental individual who likes reminiscing about the good old times. And somehow I always remember random small snippets of memories that honestly aren't very significant. I guess this is me, being quite reluctant to accept adulting as it is. Just like how I never liked movies/shows with sad endings. Why must things change? But deep down I know change is the only constant. So I guess sometimes we just have to accept things that we don't like. And perhaps that is adulting. 

That's about all for now. Not much of an entry, and not sure when I'll be back again too. 

 "I don't want to eat, I want to die."

This was something one of my patients said to me when I was reviewing his swallowing during lunchtime. And at that moment I just froze. My mind went blank and I didn't know what to say. Then silence filled the air for a couple of seconds before the patient changed the topic. 

I don't know how many of you have actually experienced people expressing their suicidal thoughts. It is honestly, quite heartbreaking to hear. I can't imagine what that person has been through and how tough life must have been on him/her. While this was something I predicted would happen since I found out my allocation to a mental health setting for placement, it still impacted me quite a lot. I felt like I needed to say something. Like just anything to help them lessen the pain. 

But I didn't. 

Because I didn't know what was appropriate to say. I just didn't know how to react. And honestly, I am angry at myself for not saying anything. Here I have someone going through so much in his/her life, and there I am going on and on about the food he can eat as if that was the most important thing to him/her - where did I get the confidence that eating is a priority in his/her life? And I'm also ashamed at how little I know about mental illnesses. There is so much stigma/taboo attached to it that it's just so ... upsetting. 

To everyone who is fighting their own inner demons, my heart goes out to you all. Please reach out for help and I hope you find your inner peace and security soon. 

----------

Julia Brennan - Inner Demons