rojak post

love me tender, love me sweet...


a smile could make difference

p/s no capital letter here as it performs numlock whenever i applied capslock...

fyi, i have four siblings but i'm as lonely as those come from single child family. i have two brothers who with undiagnosable psychological and mental problem and one youngest sister just like any other normal girls, loves very much
shopping, mirror and comb and our ages are in 7 years gap. she always frust me as we are from different world...with different interests and character either in parents eyes or to other people impression...therefore, basically, i have no one to talked to.

and the saddest thing is, since i was small, i was always told by the adult, i'm the stupidest among the four. i always imagine how great all my siblings would be and i reluctantly accept the fact that i should be a teacher. but at school, when people asked, i hated to answer for teacher even tough i loved sharing what i know to other people, i always went for doctor, the richest, the one whom my name had to be called by the nurse before i could see him, the one who always put the stethoscope on me and asked me take a deep breath, the one who like to say 'ahhhhh' to me before putting that ice-cream stick inside my mouth, giving me sweet after abusing me together with my parents with that bittery, pinky syrup...and all that added up the term 'noble' as what i think of doctors.

i always sang 'oh, sarah, sarah...' and the future is not our to see.

i always wondered when can i sit on the plane my right index finger pointed to, everytime time it flied over my head and the roof of my little house...yet i never take a flight for this 18 years i lived.

i always wanted to be back to an age when no worry bothers me like i had every second now...

and i was always wrong about people, about human being.

those who looked cool and arrogant when i first encountered them are always unexpectedly kind. those who were once nice to me eventually turned their backs.

i was fine with my roommate. but i never expected she would be a person that talks. the first time i saw her made me felt that this is an ordinary, pure k.l people...arrogant, confident and somehow the way she looked at you trembled you.

but now she told me that if there's anything, i could talk to her as seeing me stressed out recently. so i came out with a new concept about people...'don't always judge someone before you had been saying 'halo' with him/her for a month.' things changed. you might feel cold shoulder everytime, but somehow it's just the deep inside us which unwilling to make the initiative to know each other better and an akward smile doesn't help at all.

like what i had been experienced in matriculation. i ended up making close friends with those whom i thought were just attention-seekers. but as i know them better, i found that i had to cancel every single perception on my pre-judgment list about them.

but seriously, i appreciated that my roommate was trying to lend a helping hand. i was ashamed by seeing that she could be more open-minded than me......soon mingled around the troop inside my lecture and i found her a very interesting person and sure wouldn't be as silent as in the room when she's with her buddies. yet, i was amused.

of course she didn't know, neither you, neither me what's exactly wrong with me. for those who had been seeing me for 3 weeks here, they would certainly notice the nerd in me. let say if i would really want to describe more specifically about it, it's just simple, 'under this nerdy glasses, i have a pair of caring eyes, i knew how you feel and i knew what should i talk with you, but behind this mask i wore in order to protect myself, i have a little angry heart with a circle......and i just couldn't walk out from that circle and shake your hand and hug you and say i love you.' get it? never mind.

and i don't even let my mom to get inside that circle...let alone a roommate that couldn't describe what is the feel of being alone and sad. the world that none of my best friend could enter...none of them, and for certain level that i felt it's time for me to talk about it, there's an automatically switched on alienation from the people who are close to me. i'm not sure if that comes from my mind or my heart.

and somehow, i also hide away from God.

imagine that feeling when your stubbornness forced you not to talk about something suffering inside you, even to God.

but that shouldn't be happened. we must live in peace and joy with our faith on God.

nevertheless, easier said than done.

i remembered a friend said, action is ultimatum.

this is why i loved blogging. it eased me every time i wrote them out.

and no matter how bad my mood is, i always smiled to people. trust me, especially inside this bigger ocean where you see patients and visitors apart from colleagues and lecturers. spare your smile as they are therapeutic. as a normal stranger walked pass you, we never know, deep inside him/her...there's could be a serious panic or depression working on......, and your smile might just have save one person that day and a pat on the shoulder is just the simplest body contact people seek after, and they are dressing nice and presenting good virtues daily just to hope for that.

be grateful when someone says 'hi' to you. be aware that you don't get to receive 'hi' everyday...it might be an attempt by people to show that they respected you and soon you lost that respect when you never showed that interest to answer it. don't assume that someone is being unfriendly as they are looking away....in this era, people are mostly likely to protect themselves from being hurt...so usually, we are all waiting for to be greeted. making first move never came to our thoughtful thought.

and today in the rehabilitation unit, i saw a very pretty little girl, dressing in school uniform, giving me and a few of us an innocent look as the rest are attentively listening to the staff and taking notes. it's a big discover to me that it's actually an unit that also gives away care for children with psychiatric problem...

i still remembered how desirable i am to just walk over and touch her head and give some supportive compliments...but i'm just afraid stepping out and i see the same thing in other course mates as well who were not into the briefing ever since this little soul became a distraction.

and her mother, in an awkward manner, brought her out from the clinic and came back when we ended our visit. i'm not sure how the little girl felt, but i was hurt at the very first.

and at the same time, i felt that i was making mistakes. i doubted if my intention to greet her was raised from sympathy. in fact, i should treat her just the same like any other kid.

but for sure, i'm not wrong being here. i realized i really want to be a doctor now. at least i got the passion......at least i have to do something when i can.

Agape ♥

why? why? tell me why?

Agape Love? I'm frust~

Seriously, I'm frust. What had happened to my English? They smelled rusty now. When I skimmed through my previous posts, I found boredom, bland and numbness. And my writing became unbearably long and with too much details.

Would it have to do with any psychological effect? Is it possible that previous days ago I wrote in a bad mood? Again, I don't know.

But now, I gotta tell that things changed. I'm okay here. Ermm...okay doesn't support very much the claim that I'm happy now. [In progress la......]

People have always said to the passive and unmotivated, those who apparently easy to give up...'Stand up,......and live for yourself.'

To Christians, we often rather live for God.

But I was doing neither.

Here, I see people grouped up together, moved in gangs. A friend told me, if you haven't try to find a gang now, you will be alone for five years. It is understood that we must watch out for each other. But is it mature enough for medical students who will be professionals five years later to handle things in such way? If I'm not in your gang, would I be an absolute stranger to you even if we went for the same lecture, joining the same club or perhaps staying at the same desasiswa for five years? If I'm about to die before you, would you save me in consideration that I'm not from your gang? Less dramatically, does it mean we cannot exchange knowledge, info and notes just because we are not in the same gang?

I just don't get the point. You can shout on the stage to call for integrity among us, among different races...but when you come down from that stage, you split among your own ethnics.

Coming here, I've seen more walks of life and the dark side of human, like the selfishness you can't imagine of. It's was a terrible place here when y0u find no hope for human which conversation preferred to be overtaken by rolling over eyes. [For some of them only......and even guys struggle to be attention-seeker...well, they are.]

But last night made me changed my mind.

I went for the welcoming night of Kota Bharu Methodist Church.

We played the Agape Love game to know each other. Seniors formed on big circle and juniors formed a smaller circle inside. And our circles was moving, and to each senior we would choose number and showed the number by our fingers. If the number matched, we only do the action according to the number. Otherwise, we bowed and apologized to each other.

Number 1 is the original love. Means we looked at each other into eyes and made intro where in that person eyes, you actually see yourself.

Number 2 is teaching love. Where we looked away from each other to our left side and made intro.

Number 3 is friendship love. We shook hand and introduced ourselves.

Number 4 is Agape love. We hugged each other and made intro.

Initially like others, I prefer number 3. I don't dare to look into senior's eyes, let alone hugged them and looking away from them doesn't seem respectful.

Then, I noticed some of the warm seniors often choose number 4 which my number 3 would have us to bow down and say sorry.

As time passed or senior passed, I began to have the gut to choose number 4 where I hugged a few seniors.

It makes me to realize there're still the people I'm seeking outhere. Why should I be sad whenever seeing my coursemates squeeze their eyes when looking at me or telling something hurtful with an indifferent tone? If I instead showing them some ♥it might confused them, right?xD

I felt the warm of human. I felt Jesus ♥ around us. It was just that simple night that took away my sadness for being here, three weeks.

As before that, I always wondered why people could just easily lend you a cold shoulder? But now I know, they lacked of Agape Love.

And I should share with them the love God has given me. ♥

Oh Yes.

In the name of God, we seek from you: The ability to be truthful, honest, modest, merciful......

This is the oath we are going to take in five years time later on, which it seems a long road to walk before you even get there.

But today, Prof. Zabidin Hussin led us to take the oath five years earlier for us to affirm that no matter what we should never give up this course or the will that brought us here at the first place, after I thought this would be another boring and sleepy lecture. Otherwise, the way Professor assimilated the medical field into us made the whole class walked along his past, journey, experiences and vision together. Again, being a doctor is not just about stethoscope and scalpel.

I felt very heavy for the past few days, sticking to the euthanasia issues on my own with books in the library, it's all about medical cases to be brought to the court and decisions that you had to made regarding life and death. I wondered, is it so hard to be a doctor? Or can I just sit at a small clinic, treating fever and cough? And it seemed there was no end for the way they discussed, with all those argues and humanitarian speculations. It is especially stressful for me seeing some of the colleagues finished all their reading and proceeded to nursing block which don't even start yet. They are FULLSTOP. [NO COMMENT]

And today, the lecture woke me up. I always wanted God to be part of it when it comes to decision of the patient's life without realising God has been the host of the whole game. And the introduction to bioethics so far that excluding God till today's lecture made me feel really relieved. Skimming through all those cases, I always wonder if I can just tell the patient to let me handle everything and all you do is just praying to God and He might show you what we hope for the most, miracle. It's up to Him when your life is even a gift from Him. But all these medical books took care of things professionally, which spirituality is deliberately missed out.

And I am happy to be told USM medical doctors put God first in everything and doctor's job is to heal but not to decide or predict death. I joyfully returned the bioethics and all its trash theories back to the library. And what Prof. mentioned on the stage...it felt like a M16 shooting on all my friends who don't take belief seriously. I had been sicked seeing them so passionate in acquiring all those information and knowledge they needed, some speaking for human rights, but ended up all back to their own interests and benefits, somehow with ego in their eyes, self-centeredness felt in the air. Their motive and intention to speak for the good of human were not known.

Now I clearly know why God put me here. Cuz doctor is a profession that shows care to people irrespective of their gender, race and religion. God wanted to see love among us. We don't just hide from the ethnics issues or racism or whatsoever, we face it, deal with it and accept that in God eyes, we are all equally the same, in the manner that life begins.

I supposed my disappointment for not being a film director together with my attitude in taking granted for gifts from God, should be sap away by knowing that there are still many people suffering in pain and things around me don't just exist there for me...but with reason I'm going to find out. And it's a shame to me when those who are sick, informed that they are not able to live any longer...they are having these dreaded news with smile.

I'm not sure if when a serious circumstance comes across, that only gives people certain bravery and grants them better emotional strength. Cuz the first thing that comes to our mind, I supposed, should be family, people we love when we are in danger or in the verge of death. Often, they are the reason why we struggle or try our best to be still alive. But can't I tell you a better reason, perhaps God? Yea, for that, you think yourself.

I had that experience too, a moment where I totally lose the right to decide anything for myself, when I laid on that bed with blood continuously flowing out of my head. You won't know but let's show some empathy as if you know it. I can tell you for that instant, I just commit everything to Lord. Between uncertainty if I'm going to die and strong will that I want to live for my family, all my heart says it's just prayer, telling God that now it's You to decide, live or dead.

But for many, I know, they would be panicked. Who they are going to tell all of these? They live with pride and ego, with their own hard-earned money, 'I paid myself for my food, not God.' And when these happened, when death is near, everything will be the same again. When people don't know or don't own a life after death, they become fear of death when it's an exchange of everything you earn in this world with your hard work.

And lastly, what about euthanasia? Man! I love to ask about this issue. All those bioethics...abortion, human research, artificial insemination? Don't tell me you're dealing with them without God. No bold decision available.

Well, it's hard.

Unveil the mask

Everyday you woke up, the first thing you do is to open up your eyes and then next would be looking yourself at the mirror. Wondering, am I living myself today? Am I doing what I should do or I should do what I want to do?

Things I had learned, did I learn something? Knowledge, should only be acknowledged when it is useful to me? What's the measure of the usefulness of knowledge?

And how should we deal with people? Are the handsome and pretty take advantage or confidence made better first impression? Or, everyone should start by looking into heart where we found all are equally sinned?

Sense of alert

I was always refusing to write something till I really know it and capable of voicing out towards that particular issue.

And here I encountered the terms regress, self-centered, disengaged and etc via LoyarBurok, a link recommended by a friend.

Which, I strongly felt I have the obligation to start bothering what is going on around Malaysia but not just Facebook.

And the conditions and situations described on our university students are vivid and I supposed speak to many of us. Yes, walking around the campus, I found rarely intellectuals with heart for the country, we are exactly limited by the perkarangan kampus and our biggest concern would be contributed only to the welfare of student but hardly question about the legal right of university students to get involved in the so-called politics. Is it time yet for us to say something or our duties were just to stuck with the table lamp and lecture notes??

Even if I myself, once stood up in the Pimpin Siswa Camp and asked students not to bother about politics, my pure motive was just hoping that we focused on studies and this mini-Malaysia inside the campus and worked as a team together, oblivious to the racism and injustice in the world outside.

But I realized, this could not be done. After five years, we are stepping out this place and we are still gonna facing what I reluctantly to tell, the reality. And if we haven't make clear of ourselves our rights and responsibilities to the society, what are we to even gone further to PBB issues?? And at that time, we are the one who steer the game, regardless what course you're taking now, each play an important role to work out the system and implement new rules to better the progressing process.

And I am still, studying the euthanasia conflict when everyone has proceed to cell and tissues, (I meant for those who really want to be accelerated excellence).

By the way, all I'm trying to tell, is that it's was shocked for me to see that there are still people fighting together despite their race for anything that we deserved. And looking around here, watching people here, I'm just wondering, when will we going to be like them? They are not our benchmarks but aren't we supposed to learn, to question? Because...

"Do not judge the truth by the men.know the truth,you'll be able to judge men"..

and pheeewww...for one whole week here...I really feel like a law student instead of a medical student as I'm dealing with rights and issues all day long.


Wanna share a quote I got from euthanasia issue...

"The very soul of medicine is on trial...This issue touches medicine at its moral center; if this moral center collapses, if physicians becomes killers or even licensed to kill, the profession---and, therewith, each physician---will never again be worthy of trust and respect as healer and comforter and protector of life in all its frailty."

Do you agree?

A Week Being Medic Student

World is small. But the society is wide. Human are still as complicated regardless the anatomy. Gender are confusing despite homosexual and bisexual and transgendered. Disease and illness, have their own distinction. And doctors, learn patient first before coming to the disease, prevent disease before coming to treating them. And reminder, they are human being like us, not a ration of cases and files. Thus, putting up that white coat is not an easy task, it requires much more, more than the things you could learn in these five years.

And here I am, receiving the challenge and fighting against all odds with what all the noble and successful should have, discipline. And for those who have read the Hippocratic Oath, yes, medicine is an art, not science. We don't hold the test tube all the time and label samples; we actually go out and do something, at least for the world.

I learn human. Yes, I learn them all the time, here. Just before I learn something further about their health, I learn one most important thing first, the heart. Sometimes, things you've seen may not be what it should be. People came with new will, fighting mode to be medic graduate, an APEX one, but how many of them came with passion? People shouted 1 SISWA on stage, putting on ideas on how to preserve the world but I see them, having the laptop and tap water on all night. People calling out, that we should have teamwork, we should be 1 Malaysia, but I see forced smile, doubt and disgust in their eyes.

And what about me? Who am I? Am I not seeing what I did but just seeing what others did?

What about the rest of the world, that struggling to fight for human right for years? Third world countries that have been trying to bring down the veto with their miniscule power? Israel-Palestine issues?

I don't really know. But learn from Einstein's quote, learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.

how is rachel now?

What a great day!

Owh, ok. Weird response from me, being at a new, fresh, strange, foreign place......

Actually I'm homesicked. I cried, I called Mom, I raised my voice, I grumbled, I wished to quit. All the courage that take me to withstand or to say, keep holding on...[lame reason]...was just the WPP...that costs me RM1500/...pheww...cuz I spent like half already...and If i cabut lari now...I would be a penghutang...keliling pinggang...

soo, i stayed.

But now I know why I'm here.

God made me here. Which most importantly, He wants me to see Him, that He is there for me. It seemed as if I'm alone outhere...loneliness in the air...parents not around...few friends that hard to be called friends...n when troubles come...looks like panic must take the first place...

But really...as long as you pray...you pray...u can feel that He is there...and problems just solved...like that..... which is totally out of what you can think of.

well, cn't believe orientation would be so exhausted n devastating...[am i using the correct word??]

I'm sure the details can be cut. I think everyone have the same thing here...sirens...walking around campus...registration...lectures...and worst you might be fooled and punished by the faci and finally having to deal with the MUD..

You know what, people like mud. I heard it from KMPh before.

Luckily, I had nothing to do with it..cuz I was a second intake and here in USM, i SKIPPED IT too cuz I'm sick.

Then, here is this Kem Pimpin Siswa for USM students.

All I can see, they stress very much many things I haven't possed...disciplinary, maturity, professionalism, rational thinking...

If to compare with matricualtion in the past, it makes me to think KMPh is like a playground.

Seriously...u felt u r grown up here.

And I only brought myself here with passion. I felt like dropping into a big blue ocean, waiting for me to explore. And there's are many different things in different parts...from coral reef to shark. [as an analogy]

but that doesn't mean the moon here is rounder. hard work pays off.

Vision: Transforming higher education for a sustainable tomorrow. That's what they want. A holistic doctor.

But my main point was still not here.

It's lucky for me that I'm getting here. Now I appreciate it much.

The campus is linking to the Hospital.

So, at the same time, u are seeing people from outside...the sick, the injured...the professionals with white coat.

u are seeing where you work when you are studying.

And, yes I'm gonna be a doctor...a good one. Cuz I'm berkobar-kobar already when i walked around the hospital.

Marks deducted to the doctor who lacking skill in injecting for me.