Ku[m]bang Kerian[g]

'When I use a word... it means just what I choose it to mean—neither more nor less.'

'The question is,' said Alice, 'whether you CAN make words mean so many different things.'

'The question is,' said Humpty Dumpty, 'which is to be master—that's all.'

And there's only one word I had to say to the USM offer, 'Terima'.

I wasn't hesitate, to see if I should go to some specific places in Malaysia that wouldn't have cinema. All I know is that, I'm indeed very happy to be accepted as physical science student to take medic in USM, medic!! Which, proudly to say, I have the right whether to click on 'Terima' or 'Tolak' on their page which many people desired to have but not many are getting.

Then, I asked for one last time, 'Terima?' My mother wasn't aware that I was asking myself and responded, 'Terima lah.' For the last few days, I wasn't confident enough that I could get the offer and was still firm with my will to take medic by choosing UPM as first choice. And now the worries tore asunder, [poof], like dust blown away by the wind.

'Terima' means God's works in me, miraculous intake, a turning point of life, beginning of a new chapter, darwinowing my old lazy self and requirement of a mature Rachel so that I'm compatible with what I'm going to fight for.

To those who didn't get the USM offer, there's a better road laid down for you. Hereby, I wish you all the best.

Two roads in a yellow wood, USM, I choose you.

Retro

刚看了电视上播的《斗气小神仙》，是部老电影了，不过我比较喜欢它另一个名字《花仔包和棉花糖》。

有时还真怀疑自己生错了年代，因为自己本身很爱复古的东西。尽管老外的也不例外，我都是比较喜欢听猫王的歌，还有ABBA, Bee Gees, BONEY M, 披头四。。。。。。我喜欢看人家穿着喇叭裤，挺着一个爆炸头，然后把那重得不行的大型收音机扛在肩上，稀奇古怪的在街上游走，不过现代人要听歌负担还是一样的重，因为Ipod Nano很贵呗！如果你有看Hairspray这部电影的话，我最爱的就是Zac Efron的那一头喷得满是发胶，又黑又亮的头发，在灯光下还会产生反射呢。=]

d[=.=]b尽管现在韩潮四起，台湾偶像剧也攻进来了，但是我无动于衷。现代音乐无疑是青春活力，但慢歌已感动不了我，应该说很少吧，然后快歌还是有听，因为能唤起你内心那股动力，更重要的是我喜欢‘rap’。但是想听快歌呢，我会选西洋的，好像黑眼豆豆或韩国的，好像Big Bang。台湾的快歌如果歌词很无聊的话，我绝对封杀。

去到外面读书，很多朋友以为我是ABC，那还真吓到。不过说真的，电视上闹得热哄哄的偶像剧我很少会憋一眼。我只是由我自己喜欢的东西，我觉得没问题。我没说我不喜欢华人电影啊，琼瑶系列的电影多不胜数，我看少说都有看一半了。在你还未说我之前，若我问你，《一颗红豆》、《风儿踢踏踩》、《就是溜溜的她》、《金盏花》、《却上心头》、《聚散两依依》、《梦的衣衫》。。。这些你都看过了吗？

我或许没看过许友彬的书，但是金庸先生的长篇小说给我看完了。我有个特别的经验，可能说了出来让人觉得我嚣张跋扈，但是我想看过金老爷子作品的读者，大都和我一样，别的书都看不进去了，因为我们进不了另一个没有黄药师、九阴真经、腊八粥、程灵素、笑傲江湖乐谱、倚天剑屠龙刀、红花会、袁紫衣、金蛇郎君、铁头怪人、四十二章经、打狗棒的世界。我身边有些朋友还是有看古龙、倪匡的，但是我不能了。

同一时候，我也很喜欢香港那种嘻嘻哈哈的电影，单纯起来，也很真，让观众很关注里头里巷小民的生活，一方面也让他们很清楚自己是在看戏，很享受那种刻意坐在懒椅上，双眼盯着银幕看的那种娱乐。很喜欢那种旧时的小型电单车、那种黑夜里荧光广告畅街的时代，还有那在收音机里可爱地转动的卡带，还有黑胶片、婴儿肥、五颜六色的发胶、夹毛绒动物机、苏打水和要唱歌才能免费的麦当劳。=)

Literally or not literally

I had never really dreamed about you, but just this one dream.

We met on a street in glaring sunlight.

As usual, I was 'shocked' to see you.

But this time, my brain was fast enough to make decision.

Just before you got chance to say anything or walk away or stare at me like what I was going to do too, I walked up and hugged you.

I could feel that it was dream as I remembered I smiled while sleeping.

I knew this hug was extremely dangerous and might invite surplus hatred. You might push me away or possibly slap me and gaze me ferociously.

Maybe I was aware that it's a dream so I wasn't afraid at all.

It was a very unforgettable hug.

I was waiting for you to push away my hug and do any attack.

But there was not enough time for it to happen.

The hug lasted till I woke up.

Another attention-seeker here xD

Just now as usual, I cycled around the neighborhood.

I couldn't help but often passed by the supermarket where I worked before.

I was hoping a co-worker or two that I once knew would be there.

I wondered why I would have this strong feeling to wait to see one.

Well then I realized why.

I wanted them to know how am I now.

I once told a friend I loved someone but that was a lie because no one would believe you if you said none.

Now I want to find this friend out and tell her, now the lie is no more lie.

I do love someone now, one whom I am willing to cross oceans and continents for, one whom I am willing catch a falling star for, one whom I never regretted giving my love to, the one who lighted up my life.

And this is the moment that shall never perish in my life even tough you may not understand it.

Something to think today.

I'm re-posting this from a blog of my friend and I think it might be spreading in Facebook too.

After reading it, you sure would feel angry about it and everyone does. Everyone wants to scold the mother's son with every bad words they have.

But I am thinking something else.

This child was afraid that his one-eye mother would bring embarrassment to him.

How about us? Who are very fortunate to have a healthy, beautiful mother that prepare very delicious home-cooked food and wait for you to come back everyday?

Do we appreciate what she had done or yell at it?

Well, I supposed this should be left to you to decide.

In your mind, mother might be a monster, the one who beats you with a chair, the one who never caresses your head when you got an A in your paper, the one who always being unfair to you, the one who bumps you out of house everyday, the one who forces you to plan on running away, the one who says she hates you.

Just remember one thing, she is your mother, she loves you and everything she does is for your good sake. If you only try to remember her mistakes, you are as awful as this idiot above.

Blog not found.

When I was in secondary school, I always believed we should always write no matter how suck is the article we make, in order to improve our writing skills.

The more I write, the more mistakes I make, the more comments come from teacher, the more excited I am.

In fact, my favourite class in school and tuition, I'm glad to say, would be English.

Even when the time I had to decide whether I should skip school, I would consider English class first.

I choose science stream because I don't like the accountancy at all.

At least, I like Biology. So, I remembered I told my classmates that I wish to be a doctor and then I would write book and be a part-time writer as it is still my interest.

Then, I was put into physical science branch when I was in matriculation.

I thought what I said is done. They should just stay as dream as I learned to love physics also.

But then, I was called for interview for health science. If this is what God wants me to do, I will just accept it.

I always believe that hard work pays off. I must object if you disagree with me. Because it happens in my life. Who would believe I wake up everyday 4 in the morning to read English article? Who would believe I would go and check every English vocab I don't understand in every page of English textbook? But those were in the past. Some may claim that I'm over hardworking just to get A in English. But I should say that isn't my target, then it's up to you whether to trust me or not if I say it's passion.

But I found writing slows down my improvement in language now.

Like blogging, you can see the title 'About Rachel' clearly shows that I'm an arrogant person. All I write is about myself, to show people the best in me.

The more I write, the more I reluctant to accept what other people write or to read other writings that I once did.

Writing seems to have side effect on me now. It cannot open wide my mind but limits myself to write with only the words I know. It takes away your humility and builds narcissism in you.

Frankly, some people posts even disgust me as I cannot really be in their shoes when I read them, I felt as if their feelings were overstated.

Truly, I tell you, I will not write such untrue things.

If you wish to read one, sorry, the page you requested were not found.

Be grateful

Looking at my blog, I know no matter how well I write, my blog will never be as good as others.

People's blogs are fun, they went to some places, they took pictures or they dated someone and posted their memorable moments on their pages. Some tried to cook some recipes and posted what they had after a hard work. At least they had something to write and at least they lived a better life or lived their lives to the fullest better than me. I even doubted if people read my blog anymore, it seemed silent.

While me, no trip, nothing at all but an injured patient waiting for recovery at home. I drew suck paintings, read unattractive books, ate plain food(since I got fever), woke up to medicine, had scheduled siesta and that's all. So, I promised myself, after my 19th birthday, I'm gonna live a very cool life.

Well, today I cried when I watched Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events but only at the ending. Because during the climax, all I was worried about was how the Baudelaire orphans stopped the evil Count Olaf's conspiracy to acquire the Baudelaire's enormous fortune. And one thing which I was angry about was the adults never listen to the children and their warning about the evil Count Olaf.

At the ending, they again stepped into their old mansion and suddenly the whole mansion turned into ashes as it had been burned by Count Olaf and their parents also perished in that fire. This was the time when I cried, the time the mansion turned into ashes, like the children hopes were also gone.

And I jot down some of the words in the letter from their parents, the long letter they never received when their parents went for travel and only got it after their parents were dead.

At times, the world can seem an unfriendly and sinister place. But believe us when we say there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough. And what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events may in fact be the first step of the journey. And remember one thing, my darlings and never forget it: That no matter where we are, know that as long as you have each other, you have your family and you are home.

So, I'm already grateful with my life for now as I have my parents by my side.

Boring!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG, days are so boring.

Really, no mood to blog, to facebook, to watch movie......no mood for everything.

So boring, too boring, very boring.

Damn boring and dry.

I was advised to read back the syllables for preparation to Uni.

What?

I don't have mood for that also.

Arrrrggggghhhhhhhhhh, boring!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All that loving

I guess it's okay that I still like you now.

The more I think it's a problem, the more I'm unsure how should I feel about it.

So, I freed myself from this security zone and opened my heart to accept it.

And one day, I will forget. But it takes time. I just need some time.

We wouldn't see each other anyway. So, it would be faster for me to recover.

It's totally embarrassing that you finally figure it out. Cuz I didn't know that you do really read my blog. Or maybe you know it since the beginning.

You know, love is really something we can't understand.

No one would reject love even it's an unfortunate one, like mine.

During the accident, I thought I would die.

Cuz many blood were coming out from the wound. I closed my eyes and all I could feel was my breath getting slower and little.

All I said in my heart was, 'God, finally, You answered my prayer. You knew I was painful enough to live in this world. My life is on You now. If You want me to die, I'll die. If You let me live, I'll live.'

Then, it was my first time to had a feeling that I'm at the verge of death.

My body was cold, very cold. All I could feel is liquid flowing all over my head and I smelled blood.

I wasn't able to talk because it was very cold and my body wasn't listen to my mind and was reluctant to talk.

I was initially happy to let go but I couldn't. My family would be very sad especially my grandma. She couldn't bear my dead news.

And then, it was you who came to my mind.

How I'm gonna tell you how I feel?

I was thinking, 'Is it the end? That's all? That's all? I haven't tell anything.'

I thought I can text you, but what should I say? 'Hey, I'm dying and I love you.' It was ridiculous and you would think it's a joke.

Then I wondered, after I die, will my family let my friends know that I'm dead? Will you know about it or you will know it years later from a friend?

If you know that I died, how would you feel? Will you be sad or be relieved that the idiot that loved and troubled you had gone from the world?

I don't know. Cuz they never happen. I'm survived and alive.

Sorry to junk you, Shakespeare

Shakespeare said, 'You have right not to love me, but you have no right to stop me from loving you.'

Sounds heroic, romantic but they are all junk.

Isn't it wasting your time when you have to love someone who didn't love you? Films, novels, everything were teaching people to do the same stupid thing where they hold on to an unsubstantial love.

And the one whom loved by you would raise their pride, thinking that they are amazingly attractive. The more you show your pain for them, the more they are excited about it. Beware, they didn't love you, just they are happy to see they have so much affection on people. You are indirecly helping them to stabilise and uphold their confidence. Their pride are unbearable, intolerable yet subjective.

You are hoping to be their umbrella when it's raining. True, you are there for them. After the rain, you will remain at doorstep, waiting to be dried by the Sun. Cuz you are the one who not eligible to enter further but doorstep of their heart.

Sometimes, they flirt with you. Or, letting you know they know how you feel. Or, they try to act as if they are very much fine with your feeling for them, like, they have so much experience on people having crush on them. These were just some common case, to them.

The more you write poem, the more you blog about them, the harder to pull yourself from the whole thing, even if you told yourself to let go over and over.

At same time, it's the most vulnerable moment to get hurt when you let them in, fool you around and then walk out without any sense.

They are mean, cruel, like vultures circling the air to seek for prey.

The worse part, they don't eat their preys, but stabbing them at the weak spot and let them bleed till death, just for love.

Don't ever say, 'I'm crazy over you.'

Love should be rationalised. We have future, job and other things to look forward.

Common chinese proverb says, 'Don't let go a jungle just for a tree'.

But still, after you read all kinds of motivation books to redeem yourself from this greatest mistake, you found you lost in the sea of love.

And you rather, let your heart to betray your mind because, you feel better in that way. At least, you lived your life.

Sutures Removed

Venue: General Hospital, Penang.

Time: Last Friday afternoon

People were staring at me and I tried to be optimistic. And they kept on staring. Well, you don't get so much chance in your lifetime to see a girl with a 5cm scar on her left forehead. Maybe it was their first time.

I was a bit disturbed. But I wanted to raise people's curiosity even more, by smiling all the day. Cuz I don't think the probability of people who injured their forehead still can smile would be high. I wanted to give other patients some sort of strength that they should feel lucky that they are not as miserable as me. At the same time, I was hoping people to ask why I'm so happy about removing my sutures. And the answer, you know, would be God is with me.

No one ask. They stared.

Well, lucky I was the only one who removed sutures that day, so I didn't have to wait for turn.

I laid down on the bed by worrying that my head would touch the lamp that was like, very far away from me. Extra caution after what happened.

'Oh, what happened?'asked the nurse.

'Hit by fan,'replied me.

'Oh, there would be scar la. Disqualified to be model already la.'

What the? This is not helping. She discouraged me.

Anyway, I was fine back there or not very.

'Because it's on your face so the doctor used fine suture. It would be quite tough to remove it.'

Well, I could sense that by my pain receptors.

All I could hear was the 'tiak, tiak, tiak' sound as the pointed tips slide through the sewn stitches and cut; and also the deep breath I took along the process, as she demanded.

Sometimes, she stopped at some difficult part and continued again.

Admittedly, I wasn't brave enough.

All I did was praying inside my heart and at the same time, yelled out my fear.

My mom was holding my feet to show her support.

Finally, it ended.

I should say, she was quite polite. As a few years back, the nurse who removed my stitches for appendectomy was uncaring and by pulling~~arrrgggghhhh~~

Life still on.

Forget to celebrate when my blog reached 100 posts.

And this is the 103 posts already.

Well, not bad that I got a lot of stories to write.

I'm reading other people's blog too, watching they become more and more messing with the world like me.

A few are disturbed by love, unable not to mention the faster heartbeat they had now for meeting the one.

This is life.

I watched 'A beautiful mind'. It's an old movie and I remembered one sentence the heroin said when she was observing a painting, 'God must be a painter. If not, He couldn't create so many colors.'

Well, this movie explained a lot and reminded me again the beauty of life and for sure the love of God.

God loves us. I supposed no Christian would disagree with this statement.

But question, how could we love Him back? I remembered a sister always pray, 'You are so wonderful, how could we love You back?'

How could we love Him back?

His love isn't defined by we having craze for the whole religion thing, reading Bible day in and out, spreading gospel to other people non-stoppedly, pray over and over again with the same words.

No. To me, no. He just wants us to live, a life He created, in a world He painted. We do bring some friends to come and know Him as our ABBA Father. We do pray whenever we wanted a moment just with Him. We go to church and take the bread and wine to remember Him. We are not fear of anything as we know He sustains us. We are not worried of any shortage as He is our provider. We praise Him, worship Him earnestly. We enjoy singing praise songs. Other than that, we live our life but at the same time, we walk with Him.

We enjoy movie, traveling, planting flowers, writing, music and sometimes a bit bad mood. But all the time, we know God is with us. He wants us to be happy and this is what we have by believing in Him. And we had thrown away the old selves of us, no more worries, no more fear but with a new faith that He is our Saviour.

He wants to see a happy Christian, not a stressful, religious one.

In Him, sins will soon no more a problem. We are being transformed. He is always there for us, showering us with wonderful love.

This is life, a new life we see in Christ.

Not a totally different one, where we have to be a wholesomely secluded person from the world and self-claiming as the truth holder where we start to proud with thoughts that we are of higher status. Not at all!

We are God's children. We ought to glorify God's name. That's true, everyone know that. But, in a way He wants. And, He wants us to live normally but just slightly different. Like, you quit smoking and start smiling.

We are still getting a job and we work. And a good working performance is glorifying God's name too.

Genesis 3:19
By the sweat of your brow
you will eat your food
until you return to the ground,
since from it you were taken;
for dust you are
and to dust you will return.

Praise the Lord, Amen!

No more

Do you know, that I love you?

Maybe yes or no. But it hurts when you just cut off from me, not leaving any pieces.

And no, you are not my first love, I'm sure.

I'm sure.

You are just someone who interrupt everything.

You make me to throw away everything I like, just to forget you.

I don't like piano, photography, fashion, hip hop or maybe light stick.

Cuz I thought somehow they are related to you, somehow.

And you are not here now, no more.

My First Love.

I had a feeling, that you existed, you are there.

Maybe time had not come. Maybe the place is not right. Maybe we don't have a clique.

But you are there.

Probably the one who sits behind me at the same coffee shop, ordering the same drinks.

Or, the one who sits two rows away from me in LRT, I'm watching the scene and you are reading your thesis.

Or, in the same library, you are taking Jane Austene's and I'm searching for Little Prince.

Or, you lived your life in your place and I lived mine now.

And one day, sure we will meet.

Maybe at an organic market, you bought some green apples and I bought my favourite tomatoes.

Maybe at the same university, you are from Language and I'm a medical student.

Maybe at a park, you are writing note for your new song and I'm thinking of a poem.

One day, we will meet.

I'm waiting for you.

yawning~

I found my blog a bit blue. So, I did some renovation.

Each day, Praise the Lord, I'm getting better. I'm actually healing, speedy recovery.

I had a new look at my life which it seems more important now since God wanted me to live too.

I learned something new, there's a quote which says, "If things don't go right, turn left."

It looked simple, but it actually requires the strength inside us, whether to just look everything at the positive side. Like the season 6, episode 22 of Grey's Anatomy, it starts with Meredith saying,

"It's a common belief that positive thinking leads to a happier healthier life. As children we are told to smile, be cheerful, and put on a happy face. As adults we are told to look on the bright side, to make lemonade, and see glasses as half full. Sometimes reality can get in the way of our ability to act the happy part though. Your hope can fail, boyfriends can cheat, friends can disappoint. It's in these moments, when you just want to get real, drop the act, and be your true scared unhappy self."

(I just copy and paste from a website as I can't really remember what she said.)

It sounds simple, really. But some take years to realise that or even lifetime.

I tried to be strong now, happy. At least in front of my family. This common case happened everywhere and makes me wonder too. Normally, the strongest person in a family would be the patient. This is why one day I want to be a doctor too, to share my strength, especially with the patient.

My cross necklace was not here. I took it out when I scanned for X-Rays. My mom kept it for me and I wasn't wearing it until now. I found there's no different.

I was once always proud with who I am, especially when I had to tell people that I am a Christian, I am children of God. Now, I am still proud but in another way. I don't think wearing a cross on my neck would show me a Christian, indeed, it won't. But I always thought it could, for somehow when I told people I got a Christian name. That doesn't change my life much.

Now I truly understand how to let people know that I'm different, by showing them I changed. In what way? I'm not sure. But I should change, people see some changes too. I am less competitive or to say, less influenced by things like fame, jealousy.

(sleepy now, blog next time...do leave comment lar...)

I thought it's the end.

IMEEM is gone. It is owned and varnished by Myspace. Whenever I remembered any song I had heard, I would remember IMEEM and the very first best net friend I know there. I left IMEEM for a while and before I could see her replying any of my comments, before we could be keeping in touch, IMEEM is gone, everything is gone. The only thing left is regret. I'm regretted why on Earth I was never there.

I couldn't write much. In case you don't know the news of my accident. I was hit by a fan when I was trying to sleep on a double Decker for the first time. Flesh and blood all over my head and it's like a life tragedy. Luckily, I'm still alive, God preserved my life. I got 17 stitches on my head and it was a clean cut, claimed by my doctor. Almost, and almost, my skull and eyes would be hurt. But it's just almost. As they sewed me, they saw my skull.

But, I'm fine now and it's very very fortunate as it happened after my USM interview. I know it's a satanic attack. Thank God that God is always there to look after me. And this incident even strengthened my faith.

I think my USM interview details would be a long waited blog from now.

Last blog before the trip

There is a Pastor who said he has a principle, a very important one, which he will never break his promise. A deal is a deal, never disappoint those who trust in you.

I promised my Mom to cut a song, convert it's format and put it into her cellphone. Of course, she never knows all these processes, all she demanded is a song in her cellphone. And I failed to do it. I mean, I am going to do it later. But I delayed my promise.

Today was the first time I noticed some supportive encouragement from my Mom even tough our family condition is not easy. Frankly, I deliberately brought up the topic. She had been encouraging me to learn piano one day, when it comes to affordable. She said as a baby, I always loved music, I sang when I was one year old and I loved playing the small xylophone she bought for me. Other babies are hitting on the small piano with palms and I always knew that I should instead use my fingers to make the sound. And I once used a tissue box and a few rubber bands to make a guitar (I thought so) and played it like a idiot with my siblings. These were the past.

I was not sure what is my motive to raise that topic but I just said, "Mommy, I had decided. I am not going to learn any music instrument even tough the time I got a job and I'm settled down. I had make up my mind, I'm not cut out for these." Maybe part of me had tired of seeing people playing music in front of me whereas I don't get to grab any chance. Maybe part of me thinks I don't have the talent and I shouldn't ruin the relationship with my family with such simple issue. I'm exhausted.

But she replied, 'How possible do you know that you are not fit for this? If one day, you really could do this, you should take it." And my sister, she was hoping to use my painting as her Facebook Profile Picture. It was the first time I see the appreciation of my works from my family.

I can see changes in us by Christ. I knew I'm still a bad child, I might bring down all of them, the people I love. So, I decided this trip to K.L, hoping to have a change, to learn better on change, better on the appreciation of life and should come home with lesser complaints and grumbles.

I pray earnestly to our Heavenly Father that He comes and transforms me with His love and shows people with a better me. In Jesus's Holy name, Amen!

I just want to be a better person.

Iron Man...

Three times in ECM, when I watched Avatar, Sherlock Holmes and Little Big Soldier; once in Megamall, Kuantan when I watched Alice in Wonderland. Those days, one common experience in these two cinemas, is the shocking trailer of Iron Man 2 that promised to meet us on the long wait May which I always had the urge to close my eyes the time Ivan Vanko swang his whip-liked attachment that full of electricity.

I know many people have been giving negative comments, plus with bullshit reviews on paper. They demanded more actions, better arrangement of story. There were some flaws. I could see them too. But, come on, it's enough as long as they gave you that recharge of yourself, a kind of explosion deep inside, like a nuclear one. To me, I felt as if, life is quite important (I realized that), but I finally possessed that spirit to pursue, chase after my dream or to be exact, I want to have a better life. A better person, that's what I'm going after.

Maybe it's because I'm a Physical student, this is why it made me to like, have a clique with the Iron Man. They are talking about great Physicians that are flying drone soldiers around or accessing a 'shit software' firewall right away. Well, I'm not going to make a bomb or to control the world, I just find the spirit to continue taking my course and be a better person one day. At least, physics really attract me right now but only on certain field. I knew I could handle it. Just, I'm always the rebellious one, wanting to fight with God's plan.

Now I know, this is all awesome.

Love Him

I had fear. Sometimes I had the fear too, to open up the Holy Bible which seemed like scolding me to the face.

But, I'm feeling good right now after the Youth Fellowship in the Gospel Hall from my hometown. I'm feeling good as if I started holding God's hand again and hoped to walk with Him.

We had some discussion on God's words and they really speak right to my heart. They remind me of the self that loves God. At the moment they sparked and waked, I had a thorough thinking of myself, what I had done, the feeling I always prepared to face God. I felt like I don't deserve forgiveness, yet God is too loving and too lovable.

I clear my mind and bring them back to system, as all I had to do is to keep God's words, I shouldn't have think too much and always wonder why. There are too many yet to be discovered.

All the time, the God's words I used to remind people, the news I spread and wished to give people alarm, these were all as empty as my heart.

It's scary and dark when you try to close up your heart from God. When you try to hide yourself with your sins. When your worship on every Sunday and your steps to church are numb. You just want to be a Christian that go to church, smile and shake hands, but your heart is empty. Because you are unwilling to confess your sins, to repent and to be with God again. Your 'Amen' is absolutely blunt and bland.

When your faith is fluctuating, you started to have thoughts, evil thoughts. They demanded you to take some rest, perhaps just some small rest that your mind stopped thinking about God for a while.

But these are, well, you know......they are our enemies. So, you should pray before you really get away from your loving heavenly Father. Behold! Behold! Look around you, those that distracted you, Facebook, 9 o' clock channel, upcoming games in the field, the trendy bag and latest, hottest movie.

You see testimony, you know the miracles He can do and the unconditional love you have received from Him.

So, wake up now. It's up to you. Or, it's all on you to choose. To be with Him, to put your trust in Him that He transforms and completes you. His love, His words, His works and His commandments are all that matter especially what He had told us before, 'love your neighbour'. The love including care, forgiveness and without judgment and humility.

humble yourself before the Lord and He will lift you up.