Blogging again or just Replying to SopHina~

Yesterday was another day, yet I found out that I'm actually an ADHD. It's Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder. That explains why I was unable to sit down more than half and an hour and just do my homework. In fact, for more than 7 months staying here in Pahang, I didn't really complete any assignment. And I was not surprise with the sour-grape all my lecturers gave to me. Instead I accepted it and sober on my own why I am such a jerk. And only 24 hours ago, I discovered that these are all came from that ADHD thingy~, where I ticked for "very often" for every 6 questions from the WHO report.
Who to be blamed? The first one I called is my Mom. But, of course I'm not going to question about the genetic factor she gave to me and immediately she put all the blame on Dad without me mentioning it. I'm not sure how I feel the moment my Mom sounded optimistic about three offspring of her having this symptom including me. I nearly forgot I can pray to God for healing. And my mother suggested me to pray instead of having medication like my brothers. Yes, the Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want...-Psalm 23.
And without a doubt, we are calling the God ABBA Father too and this is one of the calling that pleases Him. At the same time, when we are close to someone, often we will straight call out his/her name. Christ told us He no longer take us as servants, but friends.

John 15:15 (New International Version)

¹⁵I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.

But with God/ABBA FATHER, that's a different case. We cannot pray like we are dealing with a friend or bargaining with God for something whenever we pray. I know, somehow, we talk to God for everything, we share our personal things even tough He already knows it. But that is like a daughter telling a father her problem, hoping that she could use some advice and guidance from the experienced old man. Similarly, through prayer, Christians receive guidance for the next step of their life every moment and this is from the Almighty Creator.

Let say, what if one day when you are so focused in reading a book, your father walked in. Of course, you won't bother too much and probably wouldn't even know he's there or just "erm" with whatever he said. But question is, what would you do, if Christ is the one who walked in. Maybe you would jump off your desk and hug Him, thanks Him for the salvation. Or, just ask Him bunches of questions you wonder about the world.

But, are you sure?

Wouldn't you feel that you are so small, that you cannot even process your feeling when Christ walked in? Your mind will be blank, I might want to tell. Because you are feared. So as to ABBA FATHER, we worship Him in tremble and if we are "really" close enough to Him, we find hard to sin or pick up our old-style bad habit anymore because we are feared of God.

See the differences between Christ and God?

Chapter 15:1, I am the true vine, and my Father is the vine grower.

A letter from the circus

Recently, my English teacher played a game with us, the one I most excited to have, which I manage to collect people's ideas, but the results were disappointing. It's called in prompt speech, choose any number you want, and she will let you know the topic and in 2 minutes, elaborate your talk in front of more or less 29 students of 2F09.

One of the topic is: If you are working in a circus far far away, read the letter you wrote back home. (I may have altered the topic, but it gives the same meaning.)

It's not me who get the topic, but initially at that instant, I just think up of every interesting events ever happened in a circus, probably I can talk something about Batman's sidekick, Robin. I mean, he's from a circus family.

But from what my classmate had been talking about in front, in the middle of laughing and boo-ing, quite amusing but it's actually inspiring me. So, I had another letter here:


Dear Julia,
It's been seven months. None of a day I left the circus. I've been following them to travel around the world, entertaining people and my heart melted like a butter under the Sun whenever I see children with different skin colours, spirits that flow in their blood, talking different languages but were all showing me the same genuine smile when they see giant elephants roar to them for banana and that beautiful leopard jump through rings and rings of fire.
And, oh, I'm getting better treatment here. I had never imagined people enjoy listening to music in a circus. Isn't that something should be happened in a theater? Well, they loved something new as well as me. Indeed, they enjoy seeing a dwarf like me opening up my mouth but with an angel voice. That is something the least they would expect which becomes the attraction. Mr. Watson stopped whipping me as for just one reason, I'm making money for his troop. He even offered me a nice canvas with meals delivered three times daily by the maid, spaghetti, roasted pork, macaroni and my favourite, potato smash. I have no longer staying in the cage with the monkeys. They're quite missing me.
And, I'm writing this final letter since three months to tell you that I'm not coming back and I will never be. I fall in love with this place and most importantly, I fall in love with Gertrud Watson. She didn't know, of course, even if I would sing for her until she sleeps every night. I had no confidence to tell her how I feel and the biggest problem would be, she is having a relationship with Duke Bingley's son, Sean. Sorry to tell you that we had to break up here and now, with this mere letter. I know I may have disrespected you, but this is the least I could do because I couldn't leave the circus, and possibly I need it more that it needs me. I would never leave Gertrud for one moment.
I know, this is ridiculous and she didn't even have a crush on me and will never have. But you do and I know that even if you keep it in veil. You never tell and me too, for those days and I guess this is the end. Plus, Howard is loving you and it's obvious to both of us where he matches you better. After all, I'm a dwarf.
But, Gertrud is not the same. She's like forever in my heart. I never had such strong feeling on her. Her beautiful eyes, her soft smile appear on my head all the time. I once try to be self-control and I start avoiding her. Time would heal me but it is another way round. The less I see her in one day, the more I'm missing her. This is the most unique and special feeling I had ever have but I can't found it on you. To you, I just like you, I would miss you, but not that much. But Gertrud, I never talked to her, hardly, but every words in our conversation remained in my mind. Like, "Take this hat for me.", "Hand me the quill.", "I would like to have some apples.", "Sing for me tonight.", "Call Sean for me."......I started to know what is between love and like. I like you and we are like talking everyday in those days. But I love her, even tough she takes me as her slave and hardly really take a look at me.
Love is a reward of life. It takes life to enjoy the process. I never care if I would be with her, as long as Gertrud has a happy life, it's my greatest reward ever. Officially, we are done here. I'm afraid of your fragile emotions. Trust me, one day, you would laugh back at these sad moments as silly jokes. So, take care. Enjoy your life and consider Howard.
sincerely, Raoul

Blogging in a sleepless night~

Woke up at 2 and felt alone. Sweat all over my face. Start to wonder how many among my friends would have this experience. I mean, that emptiness that tries to tremble us, that quiet and uneasy silence in the middle of the night. The first thing that comes to my thought is to pray, possibly if you read a lot of Bible, you can even think of God's words. This is because God's words fill our spirit, they supply, talk to God whenever you feel in need, or you think of Him, or you feel His greatness in other people's lives or you just need someone to talk to.
You don't have to seek for a psychologist or find a friend, because God is already there for you, He is better than anyone who could give you an answer you want.
I'm a potato lover. Truly. Curry, soup, bread, KFC, Mamak Mee Goreng and even porridge, I need potato in them. I'm known for loving potato in my family. Thus, it is to be said one thing cannot be in short in my life. I bet you have the same too, on other things. Like my sister, it would be egg tart.
What I'm trying to say, seeking God gives the same meaning. It's one thing couldn't be short in our lives. We will never satisfy in seeking God. Ask every pastor, christian the same question, "HAVE you found God?" Many would say,"I'm still seeking."
Our God is Almighty, He is Great. We are His creation, so small that we will never could find Him. If we try to expect what God could give us, if we try to presume God would give us the same thing like what is given to other brother or sister, if we think every prayer would be answered, if we hope to experience what others had experienced in the relationship with God, if we mistaken God as friend instead of the Almighty Creator, if we attempt to experience God without obey Him first...if, yes, we hadn't find him.
So, for those who woke up in a sleepless night, wipe away your sweats, have a talk to God, ask Him what you can do for Him, ask Him how to please Him, ask Him whatever you want to ask......until, you closed up your eyes, unaware.

Don't wait for miracle!

Super Junior, whenever people see this word, it spells handsome, fame, gorgeous, energetic, music, dance and it defines a group of popular Korean boy band.
They had a song, Miracle. It's quite nice and I overheard it a couple times when my roommate had it on. I didn't really examine the lyrics when I wrote this. But the song already started with "I can't get better......" Do you really into this, getting better each time miracle shows up? And how times do you get the chance to have this "better" feeling? I mean, literally, how many times miracle come across life?
Standing at a point, we felt ourselves awful. Our life sucks. We stayed up, overslept and brought a pair of sleepy eyes to the tomorrow refreshing morning class. We skipped revision, we sometimes forced to be a giraffe during exam, in case you know what I mean. We only focus on things we like and leave behind our obligation, which we hand over to miracle to handle it.Yet, miracle often didn't turn up as we promised. So, we get another awful life, covering this awful life.
A friend taught me how to make a restart. Indeed, it's a chain email. I seldom believe in chain email, often before I forward as it requested with ridiculous charm, it ended up in the deleted folder and finally got lost from my eyes. But, somehow I found this interesting that I might want to share.
Easy steps to restart,
-close the door behind you, which is the yesterday.
-close the door in front of you, which is tomorrow.
-have one little moment of peace in your heart.
-and do what you need to do today.
-just think about today, don't cramp your mind with the past and the future.

Grab the gear, hit the oil and go! Don't wait for miracles, they play truant.

Grey Anatomy~

Recently, I'm still watching Grey Anatomy, Season 6...but that annoying PPStream had taken out all the English Drama, without any reason.
So, I bought the disc and it's only burned until episode 8. A bit disappointing.
People often asked me, if I'm married to Stevens, that is why suddenly I change my name in all my social network to Rachel Stevens. Actually the reason may sound lame for you...but I like Dr.Izzie Stevens in that drama, G.A, so last name changed...that's it.
There are a lot of doctors I like in that drama...Derek Shepherd, Meredith Grey, Lexie Grey, Mark Sloan, Izzie Stevens, Cristina Yang, George O'Malley, Arizona Robbins, Callie Torres, Owen Hunt, Alex Karev and Marinda Bailey. So, among all these awesome doctors' last names...I choose Stevens.
But, even if I'm a TV Fanatic for G.A, if I really didn't get to be a surgeon, I still live my life, I still watch G.A. I totally accept for what God wants me to be.

Ask most surgeons why they became surgeons and they usually tell you the same thing. The high, the rush, the thrill of the cut. For me it was the quiet. -Dr.Shepherd, Grey Anatomy

Blogging~

feel that my BLOGGING is getting a bit DArker~ a liitle bit hate to see that, like a real emo teenGURl.....and sometimes my happy mood also spoil by d background a little bit...so I went and korek the photobucket...to see sumthing brighter~ picture speak a thousand words...isn't it?

Father, I love you.

For Mr. Caleb Kho, who has given me love more than any one.

You are not the guy that pour my cereal, every morning. You are the guy that buys my breakfast every morning, cooks my lunch and dinner, gives me pocket money, drives me to school and tuition center, provides me a shelter and a childhood.
You are not the guy that affords a fly for me to my college. You are the guy that held me when I was first born, bathed me everyday when I was just a baby girl, walked me everywhere, took picture for each of my smile, bought me ice-cream and rent cartoon for me.
You are not the guy that played tennis with me. You are the guy that teaches me to have a strong mind, heart and spirit while struggling against all odds. You are the guy that tells me one must pay hard work in order to have a good life.
You are not the guy that own a Benz, a villa, a big company. You are the guy that wake up at 4 in the morning to earn my livings. You are the guy that I always boast about in front of my friends. You are the guy that took care of yourself since you were 3, independent, strong. You are the guy that can swim, cook, plumber and build.
You are not the guy that can afford me a piano lesson. But you are the guy that gave birth to my voice to sing hymns.
You are the guy I called Father. There's no me if there's no you.

My Drinking Theory II

I remembered there's one friend of mine, drinks too.
She likes Heineken, and it's the first time I knew Heineken when she mentioned it. Indeed, I know not much beer, all I drink is just Carlsberg; wedding's dinner, party, reunion dinner, steamboat, midnight TV......
She told me she was going grab a beer that day when we were back from Sunday's service and dropped by a hypermarket. I told her that she looks like 12. She stared at me like I'm a weird jerk. I was happy with that, in fact, it's not a big deal. People asked for my comment, but thinking back, I never gave one that's satisfied, I'm bad at pleasing people, collecting agreement as well as pointing out their weakness. By the way, as a Christian, I better not to do much judging, even if a small murmur inside the heart. I'm trying to be deliberately isolated from even a small social circle. Unless, we spent much time together or else it's hard for me to see eyes to eyes with a person. I often think not much people on Earth would have the same page as me, since a little conversation and some purposely greeting and saying "hi" would only happen, I better stayed away.
After all, she chose a Sandy instead. I told her it would be suck to drink Sandy without ice but without hesitate, she said she could pick up some ice from the Cafe later. This is why even my mom is not very happy with me as her offspring, unlike her, I'm always lacking analysis before words flood out from my mouth. But I assured Mom not to look down on my talent to give dry and sarcastic opinions so that more and more people will hate me. I'm looking forward to attend Kuantan Church again and actually I do not really being disagree with the church as any other else. It comforts me when the tones from the piano hit my ears and we started to follow up with a series of hymns, it is always the most excited moment when I praise our God, deep down from my heart. This is why Man will never be the same as animal, they have a desire to worship God and most important, they have spirit.
"These apples are good. I tried before. They're still crunchy after a week." I was looking for some fresh fruit that could bear long enough for a week in my hostel room. I was by bored green apple, always giving me that awful expression whenever I tasted it. Of course, I'm not exaggerating, it made me nearly forgot how to smile, often in front of friends that come and chat with me when I'm having that awful fruit. So, it was out of my list that day. But of course, now I know I can find fruits in the bakery in my college, fresh and importantly, they are fridged. Papaya slices, guava, honeydew...yummy!
She offered me to buy the red apples, because of this mere, "crunchy" suggestion, I bought that same red apples for several times, in package, literally. I never know her well, I never know why would I listen to her. It's just a feel of trust and secure, in case if she's not a Christian, I would measure her words carefully for another time. However, I'm taking in her words without a doubt because I know she is harmless, for God's sake. Satisfied, she got on the car with another friend, eating yogurt and began their chatting.
As usual, I would always be the one most silence on the car, perhaps closing my eyes and listening to the peaceful hymn or truthfully sermon from the radio. I wish I could chat with someone, I wish the Government doesn't just send one person from Nibong Tebal here. What then? I'm still me. People often asked, "Don't you feel bad to do stuff alone?" Come on, it isn't that bad, because there's a God dwells inside my heart, I live my life in Him. I'm not alone, you see me as alone and sometimes what we see with eyes doesn't make the truth.
"Is this your room? It's nice to have five beds here, then I can have a seat on the empty one." This is second time I met her, Mr. Chew was asking her to come and ask me to go to the church. And that nice impression gave me motivation that as a Christian, I should always be friendly and kind to everyone because this is Christian, we see the difference and this is an action comes from the heart, no one can pretend to do it.
"Let's go." "What about the others?" "They are at Mr. Chew's house already, helping Madame Tor." "So, we just go and eat?" "Yes, we just go and eat." Everything reminds me that she is a friend, she is a friend, I couldn't spell the word "close". But why am I staying away from her now, with only an awkward "hi" each time I saw her?? I'm asking myself. And there's no answer for that. People born with their own personality and mine was and is a weird one, which my own mother couldn't change it by eating cheese and fish when she was pregnant. Yes, I'm weird. People thinks me as weird, instead of looking, they stare. Instead of greeting, they tighten their lips and walk away. Instead of a normal, relaxing chat, they ask me formal academic questions. So, should I cry? Should I come out with any surprising action to catch their attention? Should I report to Mom? Should I pretend that they are greatest people in the universe, so that they can start one or two sentence to me?
No. Because God loves me. This is why I am a Christian if you ask, because God is the only one who cares for me. I promised Him that I will love Him back.

Blogging again~

People dream but they wake up after all. I'm always hoping to be better...but I fails. Do you notice the "fails" I misuse?? Yes, even tough it is wrong in grammar but I have a strong feeling to put the "s" on, because I fail alone...and I fail for many times.
I always live my life for people. This is one of the greatest mistake I made, yet after noticing it, I never wanted to fix it. It's hard not to live for people, it's hard to pretend especially to control the outrageous side of myself and it's hard to always be a studious, listening child in people eyes which actually not me.
It's hard, it's really hard, tired and exhausted. This is why I want to be a doctor, to be surgeon that will anesthetized myself in an O.R with works, jobs, bones, tissues, lives...as I hate to face the world outside. It's pretty sad when I heard a Pastor told me that doctor nowadays is getting less on call since I'm training myself to be a workaholic. He even told me it doesn't matter what you choose as long as you have the passion on it.
My mother is quite worried at first place as I'm applying U far far away, UNIMAS...UMS..., but Pastor taught me how to be sure of what God wanted me to be...if I feel peace in my heart the moment I think that I'm going to fly to Sabah and Sarawak...so this is it.
And I felt it.

My Drinking Theory

i LIKE beer, especially when we have a long chat with friends.
Sadly, none of my friends is a drinker. Beer is great when we have a barbecue party. Imagine, after you chewed that roasted, grilled, tasty, spongy, bit oily, honey meat, and "gub"(!) you swallow it together with the beer. If you insisted no alcohol, root beer is nice too. But still, I would prefer beer, original, bitter, burning-lungs beer, Carlsberg is my favourite. Tiger is OK, but nah...I prefer Carlsberg...once it enter your digestive system, it will straight flow to the liver and burn it, the alcohol starts to spread, flowing through every nerves, stimulates them and then anesthetized them...making them feel tired, sleepy...a bit hallucination comes...and you feel that you need to close your eyes from this hectic, exhausted world.

Red wine is a symbol to me.
Every Sunday church meetings, Christians would partake wine as a symbol of Christ's blood where our Lord Jesus Christ shed on cross to cleanse our sins.
To me, it is a second of declaration and it's important for me to take the cup and drink it, taste it, swallow it and in my heart, claims that I'm one of the Body of Christ, I'm one of God's children, I'm part of it.
Plus, I would like to use red wine to match beef steak, in a Portuguese-designed Restaurant, playing small violin. No grape wine or whatever apple, white wine, no...just red wine, it's my passion. It shows one's personality, the way you pour it, the type of glass used, the way you grab it, the way you drink, the way you let it flow down your throat, the way you close your mouth and wipe your tongue with your tongue, the way you look at your partner when you drink, the way you say cheese(!) with your date, the way you secretly grab her hand when you drink and of course the year red wine matters.

I once had a dream. It so far, was a dream I ever wanted to dream again. A wine gallery is opened and every single wine and beers and alcohols inside are free to me...all I do just drinking and forgetting.
Christians can drink, but cannot exceed limits.
So, I drink, I take it as a life.
I would drink wine and eat bread for the rest of my life, never bored of it.
Call me a drinker, I don't mind, but I would never drunk to dangers, only I drunk to art, to beautiful, to love and passion.

Just Emo

This world is full of dreams. Who knows? What is real, what is the fantasy?
Just like any other 19-year-old youth, I should aim for something they called real, hey man! be realistic, k??
Getting 4 flat and then fly overseas??
But without you, I'm not getting anywhere. Because without you, I can't feel any enjoyment in my life. Why I'm forcing myself to live a life for someone unappreciative like you?? Don't ask.
I'm suffering too to answer this question. This is why most of the strength I brought with myself the first I came here were suddenly, without hesitate, consumed.
I looked tired. I looked lazy, as I'm not motivated, LIKE a molecules losing its kinetic energy in the middle of the reaction, and thus the whole process wasted as it will never reach the activation energy. E'a was once a limit looked like as easy as a piece of cake to it, but now, it's not unable to achieve it but uninterested to achieve it.
I remembered how I try hard to catch your attention, appearing near to you, find some talk. Trust me, this is crazy even tough I know that you have lover already... I was always the one who mature slower than other of the same age. It's lame to have this awkward loving thing at 19...=.=but blimey, you are bloody harmful and threathening.
Well, whatever, I still love you. You cannot stop me from loving you. After all, to love you is my right, not yours. Believe or not...one day, soon or later, you will be mine...haha...
You may felt disgusting or annoyed but this is truth love, I mean, the moment I fell into this trap, I really don't have feeling for anyone else. Even they try to flirt...(haha), your face would just come and knock my head.
Yes, how mad I am to post, but I might become crazier if I try to swallow it down my throat. Still loving you.
Who say love is the life's best reward?? I think it would be a trouble more than reward. Next time, just try not to be so attractive, proud and impersonal. The name started with G.

Press the key DELETE

There's a turning back, when you press the key "delete".
Then everything, every mistakes, every sadness...(poop!), they are all gone.
You won't be sad anymore.
You start a new life, freshly.
And here comes 2010.