The night was cold. Winds blew over my face as if to resist my motion. Acceleration was slowly becoming negative. My mind was travelling somewhere else without ticket charge, of course. I've just attended the physics lecture, hoping to grasp something new and fresh but my brain told me that it couldn't digest. Stress took my heart away, I was certainly not listening to what my lecturer saying as I was worrying about a stack of reports, tutorial works and a bunch of dirty, sweaty, smelling clothes awaiting for me in the hostel.
I started to feel unsatisfied. Why should I suffer here? Since my poor family background can only support me for two options, matriculation (as a matter of luck) and Form Six (with only tuition charge). I began to grumble......why couldn't I get JPA, why am I not from rich family which can afford me to study overseas a year back or perhaps A level, why Lord never listen to prayer...why, why, why?At first, I tried to calm myself, "beholding Your beauty, is all that I long for, to worship you Jesus is my sole desire...", my heart was singing some praise song to cool myself down. But it didn't work.
I rushed back to my room and started to phone my mom. "DOO, DOO...", I've made up my mind right at that moment, I wanted to be out of this horrible prison. My mom answered, my complaints flew all the way along from Gambang, Pahang to Nibong Tebal. The conversation was unnecessary to be mentioned. But my mom wanted me to stay which at the point, we stared to fought over the phone.My roomate was scared at first and left the room to allow some privacy. Mom and I shouted to each other. I never felt being so bad. Perhaps, God ignored my prayer for I being such a destructive child to my parents.
I started to speak words of evil. I told my mom that I'm going to commit suicide orelse worship idols instead of believing in Christ, because Heavenly Father neglected me and made me suffer here. Mom asked me to pray for forgiveness for I've said and read Psalm 23. But I replied her with bad words. How awful am I!!!I almost trapped by Demon, thoughts of commiting suicide ran in my head. I went to take a cold shower and I prayed non-stoppedly to God that I begged Him to forgive me and deliver evil way from me.
Pheww, I was nearly dropped into the shadow of the valley of death, almost!!Till now, I still felt regretful for what I've said. I'm not strong enough, not yet. The next morning, I got a headache. I felt sorry for Lord Jesus Christ, He died on the cross for me but who am I to judge my level of pain in this world. I am totally sucked. God will never let go my hand, I know which make me to love Him more and more, this is merely what I felt now.
I'm posting this to caution all my Christian friends that never learned from me but perhaps from my mistakes. Love Lord always and never let go of His hand no matter you are having a joyful of lousy day. This is because He will always be there for you!!!
OUR HEAVENLY FATHER, HALLOWED BE THY NAME, THY WILL BE DONE ON EARTH AS IT IS IN HEAVEN, GIVE US THIS DAY OUT DAILY BREAD, FORGIVE OUR TRESPASSES AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO TRESPASS AGAINST US, LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION BUT DELIVER US AWAY FROM THE EVIL, FOR YOURS IS THE KINGDOM, THE POWER AND THE GLORY, FOREVER-AMEN.
