My affection on Avatar

Everything is backwards now, like out there is the true world and in here is the dream. -Jake Sully, Avatar

I never knew that Avatar would be such a great film that I couldn't afford to forget or take away my feeling for it...I didn't watched the 3-D version yet...But I feel as if I'm inside It, the Pandora, I could feel its breeze, the speed of ikran, the light in and out whenever I stepped on the delicate yet beautiful and strong, awkward plants...I could feel as if I'm climbing up the path to heaven like the Na'vi.
Why would I'm so obsessed with it? With the new world I never encounter?? Is it because ours is about to be ruined? We, still have a lot of things to learn from these alien natives, right? Or perhaps from James Cameron that been trying to deliver some important messages through such great production...?

"They killed their mother and now they try to kill others'."

Look around, please! How longer we would kill these trees, animals and the air layer around us? I wished if there is Pandora, I wished if I can fly on Ikran too...I wished I can form a strong bond with the trees...and listen to their voices and the pure spirit......
They are trying to tell us something, aren't they? At least, I feel I see something from the beautiful screen...
Eywah, they are telling us to believe that the world has a Creator, and the Creator is to balance the world and at the right time, the righteous will fight back and those evils will lose.
Pandora is a world in which we all desire. This is why in the Avatar, human kept digging in Pandora by hook or by crook just to get the mineral that could save the Earth energy crisis and it even make Jake that couldn't walk to run wildly throughout the forest using his avatar-body... There are too much hints we could take. Pandora may be a sign of the heaven but why would the atmosphere be toxic to the human as we who are unclean cannot enter heaven whereas through the link, we entered it by avatar-body...
And the pure spirit of tree, Na'vi could actually link themselves to the tree and plants like we should have linked ourselves to God through the Holy Spirit. Na'vi are those who righteous, they are brave warriors. They love their land and they fight for their land even tough by their horses and arrows against the evil machine guns and tractors and jets...compared to human, we destruct Earth by ourselves and we never could fight back what which is stopping us, holding us at the center of sins...because we don't have the bond...
Like Jake Sully have said, "I might be crazy for talking to a tree," when he tries to pray to Eywah, this shows that he just doesn't have the faith, like many of the people, still wouldn't believe in God...he is idiot and slow to Neytiri when he tries to learn the Na'vi way of living because it's just hard for us to be righteous...and he could only achieve that slowly in the three-months period by linking himself to the pure plants around him...and he found out himself love to be one of the Omticaya...And Jake even make up with Neytiri under the witness of Eywah where this relationship is pure and of a man and a woman.
This is such a betrayal to the Colonel, the devil which he certainly would revenge but he lose in the end.
And those rich people down from Earth, it may give some political signs where the wealthy and powerful control the army, have the ability to do destruction and taking away others' properties and land just by using their money and power...and these are those unfavoured by God.
Like what Jake Sully said, we, all of us, living here are just dreams...there's always a real world outside which couldn't be seen by people with limited eyesight. I believe there's a true world out there where we start our second life...like the ending of avatar, the moments Jake Sully closed his eyes, his avatar's open up...like when we died, we,......

A strange day

Today is a strange day. After math lecture with Pn.Hasma, I quickly rushed to cubicle to see my chem tutor, Madame Zahara...she's good, not to mention in strengthening the basic of chem in her students but also taught me lots of life lessons. You know what, life is not all about cramping our minds with all the facts and ideas, instead we make use of the previous one to create a new one...or probably just study for 4.0, then for future better paid job, but no, we enjoyed it, or else what are you going to tell, when one day you sit down and try to share some old past stories with the grandson, granddaughter?
Why don't we make study as life? I didn't say no. But you deserved more, an enjoyable life...so enjoy your study.
Well, back to cubicle......thingy......
Ermm...well, Tuesday is the only day Madame Zahara stayed back...but she was not there when I made it at 5 something and reached to an empty desk.
So, alternatively, I went over to Miss Au's place...Her explanation is damn good and crystal clear...just like any other good lecturers I known. She's nice but I always felt the distance between me and her as if maybe only the ABC-talking-English geng can be her favourite students.
5:15pm......
There's been an abrupt disturb to my point of view to people or let's say it might change the way I judge people later on.
I saw Pn. Hasma, so I was gonna ask her on the stupid integration part...not to say it's ridiculous in terms of using off our brain juices...but she was busy talking to Mr.Adam, Pn. Ainul, Mr. Adam and Pn.Liza (I'm a good observant) as soon as she threw all the her lecture note fail on the desk.
Well, by seeing Pn.Liza, I can feel the stress burning in me already...I don't why, but I think I had Pn.Liza-Phobia...hehe...=.='...cause she's my tutor for the last sem and getting A minus for math doesn't make me feel easy whenever I see her after all.
Ermm...I guess this is not a suitable time to interrupt the lecturers' off-work chatting, I mean it's five something already...and the exit is not very far away from me...
Someone banged in with a bunch of files before I managed to push the door first...it's Pn.Azam, my ex-tutor too...why don't I ask her...I mean, I was so determined because I'm kinda frust for being unwise enough to solve the sin square 3x cos cube x intergration. Damn!! Odd-even, so use identities lor...but 3x and x, not by part leh...bla...
"Cikgu free tak? Belek saye tanya soalan???"......
....................................................................................................................................................................
"Err...sana kan banyak lecturer free lagi...tanye la mereke...kak, ade student nak tanye soalan ni......"
:0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :@ :@ :@ :@ :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :@ :@ :@ :@
What had she done? She was just calling a math lecturer that I feared the most on Earth before 6pm, 22nd Dec 2009 to teach me math?????
I hadn't know the lecturer's name, but I hardly couldn't recognize her face. I always thoght she is the most aggressive(?) teacher ever in the universe whenever I met her at seeing her scolding and yelling at student's face or perhaps engulfed their little broken heart?
"Rachel, be cooled, you are fine to deal with her, just sit down, ask question, get solution and then bla..."my left brain was telling me to fight against the adrenaline rush inside me... and of course mostly came from my faith in God and strength from Abba Father.
Yes, Mr. Left Brain was yet persuasive enough to provide me with the braveness to face She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named( of course, I don't know her name la...^.^)
So, I went up to her desk, but not as usual, my fingers are faster at this time, restlessly taking out a piece of paper and tick-tick pencil.
But for this less than 45-minutes, I felt that I had this longest talk ever in my whole life with a teacher.
......I skipped the solution part......
Both of us just talked about the matriculation program for this weird evening. Yes, I agreed and admitted somehow this short-cut program killed many people's dreams.
I mean at the very beautiful end of May 2009, a big mixed bunch of youngsters with each carrying different dreams, ambitions came, together with their parents, who were once proud at their sons or daughters that had made themselves to be chosen. These dreams came from different places, family backgrounds, cultures and hopes but none of them weren't without the goal to be "somebody" who might be famous or might just make the ones loving them to be proud.
Who say matric is easy just now?
Imagine how much people kantoi in this program just because they are required to conquer or master every syllabus in this damn eight months which the syllabus are something the government squeezed from the A-level and STPM, then tingled and mixed whatsoever which we study them in messy pieces that tingled together. No in but out...slowly one by one, they gave up the program with a disturbed feeling on how to face the parents at home...not to say some with pointer 1.9,1.87 are still stranded here...stuck to half-death.
My eyes managed to catch the blinking name on the tag she's wearing. So, it is Pn.Anizdah I am talking to. Great, she is no more the furious teacher I mislabeled(?). Instead, she is caring, she concerns on what is happening to the students, especially this unfortunate batch but which partially their kantoi is contributed by their own laziness and indifference...>.<...kantoi...
This is truly a weird day, rite? I learnt quite a lot of things. Maybe I see people in a new way next time. I mean, people normally are not as what you expect as whom they are...you are just not close to them yet or to say, your heart haven't opened yet.

Christmas...

I don't know why, I'm always being unsure, uncertain, insecure.
This Christmas I'm not coming back. It's the SECOND time I celebrate Christmas in my entire life and the first time without my family.
Christmas is a big day to Christ. IT'S not exactly Lord Jesus' B'day, but we are using 25th Dec to remember His birth to the world and of course coming next His death on cross for our sins and then His resurrection.
But should we only remember Lord on this very 25th or maybe we should always be aware that Lord Jesus Christ is watching over us every second, He is by our side all the time, whenever you shout for joy over the 4 flat, you shed your tears for 3.97 or you sigh for 3.89?
I don't know, but this far-far-away-from-home-study make me understand a lot of things better and know God better, in addition.
I was always proud. I WAS ALWAYS JUDGMENTAL. I always believe I can do anything by myself, without people's help and without God's blessings.
But I'm wrong, right?
No matter where, when and with whom I celebrate Christmas...just make sure I always remember Christ in my heart, His sacrifice, His blood and flesh, His love.
Isn't it..? Or you are just awaiting for Santa or gifts or turkey on this day or maybe seeking some peace at the end of this year on the silent night?

1:37

1:37 a.m
I initially wanted to post something on shopping at 10a.m cuz I had a great time in ECM last ...another Friday confession of shopaholic..sorta things like that=.=...but my inspiration wore out...when couples of friends paid a visit and discussed about the Survival Cooking Competition tomorrow..Sounds cool, but try the puttin-on-fire part first.
We are stranded in that fire part, I mean, unless we make some chicken or pencake sushi, (they gave chicken and pencake as ingredient), or else we are making deal with fire which would probably be created using a half-wet stick, (I supposed) and 3 matchsticks.ermm...

ToT

Have you try to force yourself to be someone you are not and then you are satisfied just for a moment temporarily, only, when you get approval and compliment from people around you?
Have you been feeling that you do not belong here?
Have you try to force yourself not to tell someone you love how you feel?
Did you ever feel numb of the worldly things around you? I mean, even if the greatest thing ever happen to you or come into your life, you just feel nothing about it cause you knew this is still not your world and you pretended it is, just like any other human, have created a name for it, they called it emo.
You couldn't smile to the one you love.
You couldn't tell people who you are.
You couldn't express what you want.
You couldn't build your dream.
You couldn't go somewhere you want.
For these eighteen years, I wonder if I ever had a happiness that feels, seems real to me.
For these eighteen years, I couldn't find out which smile is deceitful, which tears can make people understand me better, it's just I'm jealous, yes, I am, you people don't have to cover yourself up, you live for yourself, but I, I live under the eyes of thee.
Writing craps like these isn't help, forcing myself to be busy with studies isn't help, try not to say something isn't help, having everything inside my heart isn't help,hating people isn't help, be proud isn't help...no one can help, nothing can help and don't tell me, "Only you can help yourself."
Well, you had a great life, you are agreed by people. But less struggle in the world do decrease the important of your existence here.

A 15 minutes Conversation

"What now? Are you sad or angry?"

"Do I look sad and angry?"

"See, you yourself admit that it's sad AND angry."

"I never said that I'm sad and angry."

"You've just said it."

"Oh, you, arrgh, Jesus!...... No, I'm not!...... I just make my sentence to match yours."

"Well, sadness is sometimes helpful. At least, it makes you feel alive rather than feeling nothing about the upset life you have, I supposed."

"I'm fine."

"No, you are not fine. You must have some problem. Tell me what problem do you have."

"How do you know that I have problem? Huh?"

"Well, everybody with eyes would have seen it. Come on, tell me what's going on. I'm a good listener."

"That's my secret. I wouldn't share it with a what, stranger like you."

"Well, you sure want to share it. Or else you wouldn't mention it, I mean you wouldn't tell that you got a secret."

"Just leave me alone...ok?"

"Alright, but just don't be too upset with life. Our talk have lasted for 15 minutes. It shows that you are still not fully distracted from the world."

"Ermm...I got cancer and I'm waiting death to come."

"......then, what do you think that it's making you to wait?"

"A medical report from a professional dermatologist from UK?"

"No, it's your life. You are waiting for death just because that you are still alive, so make use of your every valuable breath now."

"......"

A Magic Discovery

Last time, people kept thinking I'm writing craps on my own blog. Indeed, I hardly touch about my life. I even had one friend that can post at least 5 blogs a day, explaining how her life is going on, brushing teeth and having breakfast are on her list too.

Worst of all, I'm acting sentimental in my postings. There's no way for people to perform empathy when reading "them" because they are more enough than any hyperbola can afford, people felt difficult to imagine the existance of my own created sadness, so the whole atmosphere is uneasy and akward. Now, I understand. This is why I try to change the situation where there's almost no people would visit my blog. 0 comment...=.=

Today, I went to Kuantan Methodist Church. Next time, I would try to make camera as my companion and take some valuable photos. It's because...deng3, it's the most beautiful church I have ever seen. Maybe they are using the latest concept of architecture. Of course, I'm not picking church for the outwardly beauty. I just feel that the way they conduct service is super nice!! :p

Guess what, it's an enormous church where we ought to queue row by row to partake the bread and wine. And honestly, for a girl like me which is sad to say, been a few weeks haven't attend Sunday service, for the first time, I found back the feeling spirit filling me after I lost it long long time ago. It's really great church, it strengthen my heart to get my job done nicely before deadline so that I have time, hopefully( to the power of infinity), to attend this church every Sunday. And I felt great when I cried out in the church this morning, even tough I wiped my tears silently but my heart was shouting. It's great I found some connection to God there.

Hallowed be Thy name, Amen, Amen, A---men!

And when I couldn't sleep at night...

And when i couldn't sleep at night, scared things wouldn't turn out right...by Miley Cyrus.
She depends on her father, Billy.
But I depends on Abba Father, cuz, I lay down and sleep, I woke up in safety as Lord is watching over me.
Isn't it?
And had running nose now...and injured knees...
Oh, Lord, comes and healed me.
Okay...get back to tutorial works...

I LOVE YOU, GOD

Took my results several days ago. 3.9, I tell you aloud. I was not disappointing, instead I really thank God to bless me with 3.9. I prayed before I took the results. People were crying, no matter what, 1.99, 2.68, 2.98, 3.44, 3.9...as long as they didn't see the 4.0, they cried. Some were sobbing with tears. I just felt uneasy with that. It's fate, or more accurately, for Christian,it's on God's hand.
We do nothing on that, but we need to work hard also cuz hard work pays off. God tells us that we need to sweat in order to live.
Sad to say, I was that kind of person that cannot be easily satisfied, but that 3.9 really matched my efforts. It's just some kind of lesson telling me to work hard for this sem.
More importantly than the results, it's the relationship between me and God. I missed His blessings, His spirit watering me and His words awakening me. I missed His teaching, His wrath when I sinned. I guess, no matter what, I should make it to church, but more importantly, make it to read His words everyday, live in Him everyday and let Him guide through my pathway.
I'm not actually want to talk about my results or even my depressed mood on my sucked life recently. But after all, I felt that every difficulty I had is a chance for me to show to the dark side that I'm a strong child of God. Oh, God, Oh, Abba Father, don't leave me alone cuz I love You.
The Lord is my shepherd, i shall not be in want. Psalm 23...


p/s: Hey, dude, never blame on God things you never get, always give thanks for things you always get. What more you want when your sins are redeemed by the death of the Son on cross?

A long forgetting dream

To me, a singer is someone who finds approval of his/her voice on the stage by thousands of applause hitting like wave, non-stoppedly, people even stand up to pay her respect or shout along with her, saying that,"Hey, you did a great job."
I'm pretty sure Miley Cyrus is one of them.
But me, I'm in a different situation. I was never taken for any choir or even choral speaking in my high school. Maybe I'm not brave enough to stand before people. My grades weren't bad, just my look wasn't very agreeable, to them. Those who are handsome, pretty and talked much will always be an obvious choice, at least they give a try to prove their good vanity.
If say, I ever wanted to let music come into my life, I would live with it in a very amateur way. I love to sing and I love musical instrument too, only I never know how to play them. If I ever given one chance, just one in my whole life to sing the song of praise along me playing the piano, leading people in the church, that for sure shall be the most peaceful and satisfied day in my whole life.
I can confirm that.
However, I'm not sure if this day would be coming. This explains why whenever I'm in whichever church, I would stare at the pianist with admiration. It is as if he/she is carrying my dream, trying to use the song to tell me that you can do the same thing too...perhaps, one day later.
Before I came to know Christ, jealousy is always the companion I never desired yet follow me all of my days. I just couldn't help feeling uneasy to look at a boy of my own age, having perfect family background, a very caring mother preferably on his achievement and competence, unconditional support for his talent establishment and on top of all, he managed to be a eighth grader in the international piano examination as expected upon reaching sixteen. While I, been living for seventeen plus years, haven't really understand what do the many columns of black and white keys do on the piano.
"This is for the rich to play." I was told ever since I started to notice children of my own age going for piano lessons.
I never blamed my parents for all of these. I swear. It just sometimes, I might give a small cry over such little less fortunate event. But that's all, life is moving on. At least, I get approval of my voice from some of the roommates who are unfortunately choose to take their showers beside my bathroom.

I was inspired by Julio Iglesias from Reader's Digest, December 2006.

My Life

My life is not unusual.
Some people were frustrated when I forgot to post my own life on blog, instead I'm talking something sometime I myself never realized what it is, when it is and where is it.
This is just my piece of confusion. I confused about my relationship with God. Yet it is precious to jot it down, so that when I'm old, I can think back my young self, laughed away with my stupidity.
Have you ever think of death? When will you be taken away? Death is horror, just like in the Final Destination. The movie describes death as ugly as possible. But death for Christian is in peace. They closed their eyes and leave. When they open again, they will see God, saying:" Welcome back, my children." Some may still don't believe but I don't care. I just write what I want. Actually, this is a secret of mine. I often write things as odd as possible. These inspirations come along when I played Zee Avi's songs. Try check out her. She's a good singer and song writer.
All of sudden, I think of death. This is because I'm not sure if this piece of writing can last until I want to read it when I'm old. Some may think it may not be my age yet to think over death, it's funny when you cover all the youth stories and speak as much mature as you can, to show off or to just act like you are older, I asked myself.
Then what? This is me. I'm different, I notice it myself, when I'm alone and when I'm with others.
Ok. I will just write a typical blog, about my life.
Here it is.
There was an infant starts her first cry when the doctor slapped her butt without mercy. After this first cry, her blue body turned red, like a...like a...like an infant, a real infant. It was 4am in a small clinic in a place named Bukit Mertajam. The nurse said with a cracked smile," You have a baby girl." That baby girl didn't cry the second time, she didn't smile either nor closed her eyes like others did, instead she opened wide her eyes as though she wanted to grab every view of this new world. She stared at her mom. Maybe she wondered, "Why do you give birth of me? Is there a reason for this new life? Am I gonna make any difference to this world? Or I will just add worries to you?"
This little baby was very passive. She didn't crawled around like others. This was what made the parents start to worry. But luckily, she could call out dad and mom and even speak earlier than others. Maybe she was just better at talking, they thought. And an eleven days older cousin was brought to her and compared. This cousin and this little baby ain't know each other, they never wanted to compete either. They just wanted to stay in their own innocent world. But adult spoiled the whole things. They insulted the baby. So, the baby walked the next day in front of them, by one hand on the wall as support but still, she could walk without the stage, crawling.
Later, the parents happily gave her a name, schoolled her, nurtured her like all other parents did. But a little brother showed up when she was not ready to share her parental love. So, she was jealous like all other elder may do. So, she was separated or maybe quarantined. Because this tiny little monster was very very evil, she could bullied her brother at any second when the mother was away just for a while.
So, she lived with her grandma. Now to her, her grandma was and is the greatest person of all in her life. Grandma never took her as a burden. She permitted to freedom hundred percent. So, naughty was her new feature. She became boyish and often went and caught small fish and tadpole by the drain with the boys around the neighborhood. She was happy, so happy and really missed the life there. No need, no worries, no stress, no ABC. Just friends, tadpoles and games. She even fell in love with one of the boys. She would never tell because he is big brother, three years older. Thinking back after all, she thought that this might just admire, not love. The one which she loved was the one which taught her how to make a kite but she forgot him already and his image was blur and far far away in a fog. She liked so much to be a music instructor. She was inspired especially when her grandpa said:" Believe in yourself, you have the talent." She loved her grandparents so much since forever.
Then, the parents considered it was time for her to be back to her family, real family. She was back and got along quite well with other three siblings. They began their own world, rearing all kinds fish, planting green beans, owning two hamsters as pet. It was a happy family. They took a lot of photos, to zoo, to airport, to botanical garden and sometimes to Hospital in K.L for the little brother medical checkup. He had a not very well heart and he did operation. That was all she knew, as a very small kid. She wanted to be doctor. Doctor earns a lot and perhaps helps her little brother to ease his suffering.
Time flew past very fast. She managed to get in the first class during standard four. Parents were happy. BUT she never felt like that. She was tortured. The class teacher never like her. She was told to sit at where it called special place. She hated to be labelled as special in her class. What had she done wrongly? She just had a not so good results. THAT'S ALL. She learned trumpet but she never happy about it. She was insulted by the music teacher whom every of her friends respected because they were given compliments rather than words that stabbed deep like what she had to accept at such small age.
She liked watching movie. She knew that she should be a film director one day. She hated trumpet. She wanted to learn piano but parents told her that they couldn't afford. She understood. So, she filled her life with her new pet, a dog named Coco. She named it after Coco's fur colour which was light brown.
UPSR. She hated English much much during the three years. But she discovered that it was a very interesting subject. Surprisingly, she became a very understanding 12-year-old kid. She studied hard and got a nice results. Coincidentally, she got in a high school named SMK Seri Nibong along with a few more friends from the same primary school.
Form 1. Her English still not so good. She didn't understand what teacher taught in class. She often being teased.
PMR. She handled it as well. People around started to find boyfriend and girlfriend. But she knew that she will never get involved. She went for an appendix operation. She started love Alan Tam and other Hong Kong old songs. As she could only sat at home and listened to songs after the operation. She was sure she wanted to be a film director. She wanted to be a singer too.
Form 4. It was a very memorable years. She had a breakthrough. She studied very very hard, far beyond she could imagine. She studied day in and out and woke up at 4am to read an english article every single day. She struggled hard to find the exact what is called inspiration to write a good English article. But she failed. Her teacher claimed her writings were heavy. People felt dizzy to read them. But. She never gave in. She wanted to be a writer. If possible, she could made her own film of her writing. She taught she lived her life to the fullest. Because everything went smoothly in her life. But no.
Two of her brothers were discovered to be one psychologically illed and another mentally illed. She knew that her mother couldn't took it so much, so she studied harder and harder.
Form 5. It started. She was stressful. She was depressed. She nearly made a friend of her to a foe. She found that she was wrong in some way. But she didn't know what it is. She quarreled with her family everyday. Her parents abused her and made her to seek the psychiatrist. She was forced to swallow pills which would make her to be sleepy, sleepy and sleepy. Her results drop. Her performance was unsatisfied. She was disqualified from a debate competition she was never in.
Then, something happened. She found a God named Lord Jesus Christ. Actually it was her mother, her mother coincidentally went to the nearest Gospel Hall on the Esther Day. She watched a movie in which a young man about like 30 years old was whipped and sentenced to dead on cross without doing anything wrong. She broke down. She couldn't understand. Why did he die? After asking, she found out that this young man is the Son of God, and He died not because of what He did. He died because of what we did. This mother said to herself, "I found the real God."
The family came to know Christ. They read the Holy Bible. The girl cried when she read it. She had a sudden feeling that she wanted to run to her friend's house and apologize to her for what she did. She realized the world was too small in her eyes before she knew Christ. Her mind was like being opened abruptly after she knew Christ, she read Bible and the whole family were baptized.
SPM. She felt fine. She stopped taking medicine. She was no more anti-social. She took the exam as ok and the results were ok too.
Form 6. It was just a week.
Then, she was a second intake to Pahang Matriculation College.
She applied for biology course but she got physical course. So, she took it. She loved Physics now.
The story is not end yet here.
To be continue......
(Actually it would be more interesting if she didn't exclude the love part.)

I'm still seeing...

There is a time when we are tempted, confused, stood still, being weaken, unable to hold firm, start doubting and then betray.
I say, there is a time.
When the time flew by, sit down, clam your mind, hold both your hands tightly together, close your eyes, think God's words, pray......,then repent.
I am fallen beings, you are one of us and I am one of you all. Human.
No matter what, in His love, you will never depart.
Think of how He died and why He died. Think of who are you. Think of what you have done. Think of where you strength comes from each time you fell. Think of in where, to whom you set your point of living on. Think of to whom you share your joy and tears. Think of what testimony that had made change in your life after you confess. Think of who do you think of when you gain something or lose something. Think of whose name you shout when you are in trouble.
You don't want to believe because you can't see. How come? Holy Bible is the most obvious evidence of all. The whole world know Lord Jesus Christ died on cross for us.
Don't you know? You know.
God knows you too. But you just denied it.
Because of your pride?
Rebellion?
Indifference?
I don't know.
But God knows.
So is it time yet?
Or when is the time you will be back to His arms?
This is not religion, remember.
This is about seeking the truth.
Should a sheep return to its shepherd or continue to wander in middle of nowhere just because it thinks it can walk by itself.

Do you believe?

Do you believe in horoscope?

I don't believe.

Why?

Because I'm a Christian.

It's not because you don't believe. It's because you can't believe.

Is it? No, I don't believe. I'm not sure if you are making friends with me just by looking at stars on the sky, I mean, they move all the time, oblivious to your wish to make whoever friends.But God matters, He knows that we should be friends and we are angel to each other.

Another door is opened...

Each day, I asked myself thousands of questions. But I asked God one. "Why am I here?" Because I meant to be here. He created me for a reason. As long as I haven't find out the reason, never give up.
For every living thing was put under the power of change, not by its desire, but by Him who made it so, in hope, that all living thing will be made free from the power of death and will have a part with the free children of God in glory. -Romans 8:20-21
So, remember that glory is always on our side. I don't know you. I would never understand the troubles you have. In misery, you found no one to help you, no solution to end your confusion. But there is One who is always mighty and faithful, He understands you for He created you and He always love you even tough you denied that He is your Father, sinned and let Him down.
All you have to do is just believe. No one demand you to do kind in order to get kind in return, because kindness is only kindness when it demands no repay.
Love God, love yourself for He loves you.

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed one that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. -Helen Keller

no resonance with the champion

our frequencies of shouting flied high in the air as chin passed the ball and captain ikan yu gave a smart hit to the world behind the net.

still, they won. we failed to match the natural frequency where the resonance between us and the champion couldn't occur. but we are champion in our heart, we are. we had fun, i never ever could know chin, michelle, peng, ikan yu and pengurus better if i never encountered this journey yet it ended so soon after a week of practice and fight. we are proud to say that we beaten aras 1 and aras 2 as representive to third floor, where we stay. the whole process is enjoying, i get to know volley ball better, and painful bruises too.

no pain, no gain.

i felt regretful. i entered the competition in such a co-incidence where they used force finally yet i also contributed fouls during the match inco-indentally. you know, i was qualified for the game just because i was a chinese. it was a must for the involvement of 3 non-muslims. for once, i felt repentful for i brought shame to the blood flow in me. as a chinese, i was fully dumb in sport. why? i wouldn't know. since i gained only recessive allele from my mother who was a volley ball player, excellent one.

i was frustrated, yes, i was. i guess i would just lag behind each time, being 90 degrees behind other people who always make to another amplitude and back to equilibrium faster than me.

i'm sorry, volley ball... we are not in the same phase. i will still and still be in the ground state, never been excited, i'm sure. God created a brain and a body for me, so don't just try to use one part only...,ok?

sorry for using too much physical terms to describe this co-incidence.

Non-sense

Late at 12:47 a.m.

Oh, come one, man, tomorrow you still get to sit for physics and chemistry quiz. Physics, chapter 6, uniform circular motion...,ferris wheel, roller coaster..., everything in circle, they are studying. Chemistry, chapter 5, chemical bonding, not steady yet with dipole moment and molecular geometry.

So, what are you doing here??

Simply. That's what one of my friend, Kavina would say in case she was fired by my stupid questions.

Actually, I was inspired. Lenka's song again is making me full of inspiration, Trouble is a Friend. It's not saying that friends bring you trouble. But troubles make friend with you. But I'm sucked for his charm. Where troubles sometimes strengthen you up. Giving you full spirit to face the new world you encounter after troubles. Perhaps a different of you. I felt as if I was flying, wearing the red cape I used to dream of, reached the sky, jumped from cloud to cloud and then waving to people on Earth.

Saying, "Hey, this is Rachel, she's not sombong, she's friendly actually, she's shy and shy and alone."

But no one would know, no one would care, no one would bother. But troubles.

In case want to exercise my fingers, I create nonsense again. Applause.

Do you know that I'm still missing you? Cheer for the broke up, cheer for the key you had wore once only ever since IT had been given by me.

Tell you a good news, I got 3A and 1B in UPS.

Wonder

Wonder is something that becomes a wonder to us all the time.

Am I telling something pointless? Not exactly. One of my friend once said, "sucess is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration." It's true, but sometimes we need inspiration more than efforts. I believe, somehow it's just a sudden inspiration that inspires you to do something you never expected you could, would or should do, motivating you with the greatest strength you'll ever had.

IT'S MY ANOTHER DAY IN KMPh.

People are wondering all the time. Somehow when you are in the Mini-Mart, you wonder what you should buy or maybe you have expected what you want to buy in which in that split second, you are buying something different or hesitated, refused to spend any penny from your pocket.

As well, you love someone. You have a lot of things to tell that person. You wonder if you would see that person today, maybe just at a distance away or passing by when both of you sliding through the crowd, rushing for lecture or during lunch, that person is just sitting in front of you, enjoying the meal. You wonder, if you should tell that person what you think, what you want to say. But you hesitated finally, instead giving a smile and saying hi, acting as if we are just, just friend or maybe classmate. You hesitate, act and give up. Again, it's a wonder.

Time flew by.

Chinese New Year is not coming yet. But the non-Muslims are planning for the celebration of Chinese New Year and Deepavali. They are combining both the celebration on the same day, in case, to save time. So, the non-muslims were gathering around to discuss the progress on Friday night. I was put in the Performance Biro and I'm learning how to play chinese drum. Just in case, I was jotting down some pieces of my life, that's what make up the blog, right? Aren't yoiu curious about KMPh's life?

Tell you something, they celebrated lunar night here, also, walking the college around with lanterns. So, don't you ever think that people in the college are like The Lost.

During Puasa month, we are holding volleyball competition also. I am just substitite, expected case. But still got certificate. So why not, having fun with friends each time we practice? It's truly fun like, to study here, as long as you think positively in every way. I missed my homwtown, but for sure I will remember every camaraderie here. Surely.

Never be disspointed whenever you seek no love. For God loved you so much that He gave His only begotten son, in which whoever believes in Him should not perish but have an everlasting life. Praise the Lord.

TV kills brain cells...be careful, you are looking at a murderer everyday.

Alcohol kills brain cells. TV kills brain cells too. I'm not a biology student though. I'm a physics student that kira, kira and kira, counting things that move by their own and never ask us to bother them.

God is a planner behind all these. Praise the Lord. He makes me to come here, in KMPh, taking physics instead of biology, where I SHOULD BE in Form Six. But I felt satisfied now, really. Biology is the first thing comes into my mind when I think that my job is somehow related to it, initial ambition: pychiatrist.

But God knows I make the wrong choice. He knows I'm more happy to study physics. Even now I'm still not an expertise, but I felt excited everytime I study deep in this subject. Torque, circular motion, conservation of energy, Newton Law of Gravitation, wow...cannot tahan anymore...maybe out of curiosity, I just want to discuss about them, posting questions on yahoo answer and also checking out wikipedia. If that's Lord's will, hopefully He will sponsor me to NASA, haha...

I once dream to be a passionate writer. But I manage it improperly. In order to get some clue or whatsoever inspiration, I forced myself to be in down mood all the time, placing everything at negative side first. Even after I become a Christian, I'm happy but once again, I'm like trying to turn or switch my mood to the opposite direction. Haiz, this is making my SQ lower and lower, I start to study human's feeling instead of straight making friends with them and knowing them better.

Life should be happier, isn't it?

So, now I make myself a promise, promise to be optimistic against all odds and facing trials without fear because heavenly Father is there for me. I will be happier and happy. And I will make people around me happy. That's what I'm gonna do.

TV kills brain cells. Hopefully, it kills my brain cells that put me into depression. They cannot be regenerated anymore.

POLI-ce-T-r-IC-ks

Politic is just not my type. Unreal, unfair, unclean.

I never read Malaysia Kini. I never concern what happens outside. I just think it's not the time yet. I just think maybe I should be myself, stick to my own obligation. But things turn out not fine. They lie, cheat, force, hit, hurt, and kill and make their own scene of murder, jot down their own stories and promises they will never keep.

The world is getting darker. You know what I mean, you knew, you understood, you read the news. There was one young man with bright future killed recently. He was innocent, perhaps. He knew some secrets, perhaps. He was not commiting suicide, perhaps. They created wonders and perhaps, unexplainble yet easy to understand after explain incidents.

I cannot fight. I cannot tell what to do. Yet, be myself. The world is full of sins. I'm not selfish but observing the prophecies that come to fulfillment. Doom's day is coming and be prepared.

Sometimes you are angry, sometimes you are the one who is put to agony, sometimes you feel things not right, because deep inside you, you posses righteousness. The day of judgement will come, be patient and be calm as long as you believe.

Watch it yourself.

KMPh closed, holiday, yeah yeah!

KMPh tutup! KMPh tutup!

The first thing I do is curving a smile on my face. What a good news? I'm not bookworm, ok? I'm excited too when colleges are closing one by one, giving way for old friends to meet and tan cha(enjoy tea)! Yea la, study is somehow an aspect of life, but study smart, play hard ma...

College is fine, but somehow the doubled, tripled, quadriteralled and pentagonalled homework make you cannot tahan. It's normal to take another week of break, am I right?

Hey, why tutup har?

Walau A, you sure know la...H1N1 ma!!

Those who still cannot catch the ball or with shorter arieal, I can only give you 3 lines on my face.

Enjoy holiday yea...

Heard that Tunku didn't tutup...so pity...

敢爱敢做

敢爱敢做是林子祥的一首歌。曾几何时，我在超市打零工时听过翻唱的英文版。就像我一位同事所说的，还是林子祥那样脱俗、潇洒的呐喊比较唱出它的feel。 从另一个角度来说，敢爱敢做有一点滥交的感觉，如果大家在此时此刻被我带到想歪的部分。
偶然间，想起了我自初中就迷上的英文连续剧，One Tree Hill。那是一部讲述在美国一个名为独树山的小镇里的爱恨情仇，当然主角都是十七八岁的帅哥美女，甚至包括了男主角未婚先孕的母亲自己的爱情纠结。当然，故事并不只是围绕着爱情，当中还有一个狠心、自私、贪婪，抛弃男主角的黑心老豆，一季又一季的校园篮球赛还有主角所作的跨越少年的疯狂动作。我发觉随着它成长，我不止英文进步了不少，也渐渐认识了我所好奇的世界，让我不必因好奇而一一去尝试那些疯狂行径，当然也从主角所受到的教训从中得了警惕。戏中也少不了“敢爱敢做”的成分。对他们而言，未成年发生性行为似乎不是一件少见多怪的事。在他们眼里，这是一份热情、奔放，但是与一个未认定为终生伴侣的朋友搞上，不是滥交是什么。爱一定要用性表达吗？未必吧！
当卢卡斯（男主角）曾濒临崩溃时，他在酒吧遇上了一个滥交的女人。看她也不是什么好东西，因为她的另一个身份是卢卡斯朋友的女儿的母亲。不是很复杂吧。这女人生了孩子，拍拍屁股就走人，留下她前任男朋友独立一人抚养女儿。她自己呢，当然另外寻欢了。卢卡斯刚和一个自己不爱，倒追自己的女友分手；被自己表白的女孩拒绝；然后在乘搭叔叔的车去机场接母亲的时候遇上车祸伤了肩膀，影响了在校队中打篮球的表现。一切都好烦。该时候做些疯狂的事来发泄了，这女人来得正是时候。
重点来了，女的竟然想到做爱的地点，游乐园。两人大胆地潜进了天真的游乐园去搞！！这一幕是我说要强调的，卢卡斯毕竟青涩，问道：“如果警察来了，那该怎么办？”那女的浑没当一回事，悻悻然的回答：“如果地上开个洞，把我们吸了进去呢？如果火星人打过来呢？如果，如果，世界有那么多如果，生活多乏趣啊！”你说她是不是敢爱敢做过头了？
话说回来，她的话却深深影响了我。很多时候，我做事都会犹豫，少了果断，只因这些如果如果。倘若我只能三思，而不是三思了再三思的话，那该有多好。

有些人不喜欢飞轮海，为什么呢？

尽管全世界都喜欢他们，抗议的也未免廖若星辰。
男人讨厌他们，可能是妒嫉吧，从这一点呢我想指出男人的妒嫉行为方面就比女人弱，甚至你会看到一些大男人主义的，阻止自己的女友或者老婆会见其他的男性朋友，如果见到与女友或老婆交谈的对象，条件比自己好，比自己风趣，会拿女人的心，把自己的老婆逗得眉开眼笑，这时的老婆或女友还不识趣，还对男友或老公说：“你看，人家多浪漫，你有他一半就好了。”
对女人而言，男人是该浪漫的，不然我的青春都埋葬在你的憨厚上，到头来一无所得。女人比男人敢爱敢恨，其实大多数女人的内心里都渴望自己的恋爱有狂风暴雨，这样才够刺激，最好那个男人背后有许多狂蜂浪蝶，才显得自己在与许多人竞争之后，自己才是胜利者。如果男人是花花公子，更好！这种男人会耍浪漫，或者会与自己在巴黎铁塔下许下爱情的承诺，我想这应都是每个女人心里所憧憬的爱情吧！当我在电脑荧幕上打下憧憬一词时，首先出现的是崇敬一词，难道电脑也认为女人却是崇敬什么海枯石烂的爱情？可能吧？
不过依我看，女人并不崇敬这种爱情。她会很潇洒，如果双方都玩腻了，大家便可以退出这个游戏，然后你走你的阳光道，我走我的独木桥。。。最好是那个纨绔子弟出外拈花惹草，然后毅然与自己分手，自己在外界看来，合情合理，是个受害者。为什么呢？她难道不要浪漫了？哈，她已得到她所需要的，现在便想寻找她更需要的。 安全感。
女人不能没有安全感，就算是女强人，能自力更生，她在面对工作上的压力，老板的出气筒，同事的自私、背叛，亲朋戚友的冷嘲热讽，她也需要一个结实的臂膀来拭眼泪，抹鼻涕。当女人人老珠黄的时候，总不能到外胡搞，请问哪个少爷要你？她们比男人还容易拿得起，放得下。够了，玩够了，她们便收敛起来，然后找个好归属，做一个贤妻良母，最好的例子便是张柏芝，尽管现在许多人都怒骂她，但人非圣贤，孰能无错，在人间眼前所看到的，实是雾里看花，终隔一层。我们很难去说谁对谁错，因为娱乐圈本来就是黑暗的。
男人，可悲。男人可分为两种人，一便是花花公子，有钱大少爷；二便是脚踏实地会赚钱的大亨。这两种是女人主要会选的对象。花花公子风流一世，不过如果有钱老爹倒了，或死了，自己有无谋生技能，坐吃山空，老来孤独一世。难听的说，这种人是穷鬼，废材再加丑陋。丑陋是因为年轻时很豪花，常喝红酒、白酒、葡萄酒、白兰地、威斯基等等，造成啤酒肚，老来一身病，还有可能行动不便。他放不下了，他怀念以前的生活。另一种是会赚钱的，不过高中时那种把裤子拉高高，带着厚厚的眼镜，整天啃书的日子，确实很难挨。在美国，这种男人被称之为“Geek”，当然在他们年少时，肯定会受到不少侮辱，甚至被在血气方刚时表白的女生拒绝。不过，他们总算苦尽甘来，因为他们的年轻有为，被女人视为成熟、稳重，比花花公子更受青睐，也是女人心目中值得依靠的对象。前者是快乐继悲伤；后者是苦涩继甜蜜。
现在方回归正题？
男人讨厌飞轮海，因为他们比大多数男人帅吧，女人呢，可能就是东方神起的粉丝。
我本身呢，并不讨厌，但却不喜欢。若飞轮海是名模，我想我会为他们鼓掌，因为名模本来就靠张脸吃饭，人们总爱看到漂亮的东西而忽略了内在美，我建议你们去看一部西洋片名为“Hal Shallow”，该片让我改观不少，如其名，只在乎外在美是很肤浅的。但问题是，他们是靠乐团而打出名气。说真的，他们的歌声并没有什么特别。其实我讨厌的并不是飞轮海，而是他们的女粉丝。她们把自己称为粉丝，但却失去了消费者的原则，不，应该是聆听者的原则。我觉得乐坛渐渐沉沦了。人们买唱片，不再看音乐的质素，而是唱者的脸，也许是憧憬作怪吧？！

Friends

Those who does not weep,
does not seek. -Les Miserables

I never read Les Miserables, but Quentin Fields did. He died in the latest episode of One Tree Hill. I had never paid attention on him ever since he began to be part of that drama but it was shocked to see a rebellious young man who had changed into a new person with new motivation of life shot by a stranger just because he witnessed perhaps a murder. During his "funeral" (it's just a story though), I found out that he played a crucial part, being around the heroes and heroins in One Tree Hill, he is a son, a brother, a teammate in Ravens, a student, a trainee and a friend.
Life is short. Even if you struggle to be the best or in satisfactory at the turning point of your life, death may just come and take you without excuse. There is a transcript by Samantha Walker, Q's classmate that inspires me the most,
"Grief is like the ocean: it's deep and dark and bigger than all of us. And pain is like a thief in the night. Quiet. Persistent. Unfair. Diminished by time and faith and love."





If I was dead, what would my world react?
Would they weep or what would they speak of in my funeral? I will never know.






Being enrolled in KMPh is one of the biggest gift I have been given. It is not a matter of the quality of the college nor chances nor the pushing strength to make you four flat. It's about open up your mind to the same world but wider.
Life is short. But like some of my friend would ask, "Can you catch the ball?" meaning that do you realise the point? I'm posting this question to life. Indeed, life is short. Would we get enough time to figure out the point of life? Why should we? Since God decides. Then, why should we?
After almost two months out there, I knew a lots. I gained experiences. I couldn't catch the ball yet but I understand. Life is all about happiness and forgiveness. I'm happy to make friends from all around the country there. It's like a mini Malaysia. Yet, some say, it's scary to be in KMPh, too many homeworks, too many annoying people. Could you catch the ball? Everything depends on how you look at it, treat or threat, pro or corns and how you make yourself to forgive those who assault you deliberately and unexplainably.

What would you say in my funeral?
"Rachel is always writing bullshit in blogger." Haha.

But I tell you. Do not resist a evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.- Matthew 5:38-42.

There's a friend who tell me, friends are meant to be betrayed. I was shocked to hear that from her. After all, she've been giving me good impression since she's also a believer, not baptized yet. As far as I know, she possessed woman's quality, talking behind people. It's normal since I feel it hard for her to get rid of it. Even I myself is judging people now. I shall pass judgment more strictly. But it let me down, and it let some people around her down to speak of such words. Friends are meant to be betrayed. Then why would God, make us, human to fear of alone, are we to establish friendship that is waiting for the day to be demolished by betrayal? I admit that, I do have some old and false concept, where one person had been heartbroken by chance or nature changing course, comes out with theory like, we make friends to be betrayed. Yet, I throw away that where I start to avoid those who would harm me and forgive who have harmed me, remembering their kindness instead of storing sad memory about me and them.
The world is small. Coincidence, misunderstanding and hard feeling are beyond expectation. Why would we limit ourselves to such argument? I have learned to be humble, apologize whenever I feel I hurt someone, making he or she uneasy, and laugh away when hearing complaints about friends by friends.
The world is big. People walks in and out of your life. Why should you limit yourself with those who dissapoint and at once forget those who cheer you up, being supportive at any time by your side?
Friends are not meant to be betrayed yet to betray. They are meant to be here, if you personally also agree with me.









If you wish to leave your name, fame and glory on the earth, perhaps somewhere, some part...if you wish to see a drop of tear, a 60 seconds of mourn in your funeral, they are here, friends. They make you meant to be here.

TRAGEDY!!!

The night was cold. Winds blew over my face as if to resist my motion. Acceleration was slowly becoming negative. My mind was travelling somewhere else without ticket charge, of course. I've just attended the physics lecture, hoping to grasp something new and fresh but my brain told me that it couldn't digest. Stress took my heart away, I was certainly not listening to what my lecturer saying as I was worrying about a stack of reports, tutorial works and a bunch of dirty, sweaty, smelling clothes awaiting for me in the hostel.
I started to feel unsatisfied. Why should I suffer here? Since my poor family background can only support me for two options, matriculation (as a matter of luck) and Form Six (with only tuition charge). I began to grumble......why couldn't I get JPA, why am I not from rich family which can afford me to study overseas a year back or perhaps A level, why Lord never listen to prayer...why, why, why?At first, I tried to calm myself, "beholding Your beauty, is all that I long for, to worship you Jesus is my sole desire...", my heart was singing some praise song to cool myself down. But it didn't work.
I rushed back to my room and started to phone my mom. "DOO, DOO...", I've made up my mind right at that moment, I wanted to be out of this horrible prison. My mom answered, my complaints flew all the way along from Gambang, Pahang to Nibong Tebal. The conversation was unnecessary to be mentioned. But my mom wanted me to stay which at the point, we stared to fought over the phone.My roomate was scared at first and left the room to allow some privacy. Mom and I shouted to each other. I never felt being so bad. Perhaps, God ignored my prayer for I being such a destructive child to my parents.
I started to speak words of evil. I told my mom that I'm going to commit suicide orelse worship idols instead of believing in Christ, because Heavenly Father neglected me and made me suffer here. Mom asked me to pray for forgiveness for I've said and read Psalm 23. But I replied her with bad words. How awful am I!!!I almost trapped by Demon, thoughts of commiting suicide ran in my head. I went to take a cold shower and I prayed non-stoppedly to God that I begged Him to forgive me and deliver evil way from me.
Pheww, I was nearly dropped into the shadow of the valley of death, almost!!Till now, I still felt regretful for what I've said. I'm not strong enough, not yet. The next morning, I got a headache. I felt sorry for Lord Jesus Christ, He died on the cross for me but who am I to judge my level of pain in this world. I am totally sucked. God will never let go my hand, I know which make me to love Him more and more, this is merely what I felt now.
I'm posting this to caution all my Christian friends that never learned from me but perhaps from my mistakes. Love Lord always and never let go of His hand no matter you are having a joyful of lousy day. This is because He will always be there for you!!!
OUR HEAVENLY FATHER, HALLOWED BE THY NAME, THY WILL BE DONE ON EARTH AS IT IS IN HEAVEN, GIVE US THIS DAY OUT DAILY BREAD, FORGIVE OUR TRESPASSES AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO TRESPASS AGAINST US, LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION BUT DELIVER US AWAY FROM THE EVIL, FOR YOURS IS THE KINGDOM, THE POWER AND THE GLORY, FOREVER-AMEN.