Life moves.

Kindly inform that I had moved my blog to http://youdontknowme-rachel.blogspot.com/ without really informing.

Thanks for your attention. =)

rojak post

love me tender, love me sweet...


a smile could make difference

p/s no capital letter here as it performs numlock whenever i applied capslock...

fyi, i have four siblings but i'm as lonely as those come from single child family. i have two brothers who with undiagnosable psychological and mental problem and one youngest sister just like any other normal girls, loves very much
shopping, mirror and comb and our ages are in 7 years gap. she always frust me as we are from different world...with different interests and character either in parents eyes or to other people impression...therefore, basically, i have no one to talked to.

and the saddest thing is, since i was small, i was always told by the adult, i'm the stupidest among the four. i always imagine how great all my siblings would be and i reluctantly accept the fact that i should be a teacher. but at school, when people asked, i hated to answer for teacher even tough i loved sharing what i know to other people, i always went for doctor, the richest, the one whom my name had to be called by the nurse before i could see him, the one who always put the stethoscope on me and asked me take a deep breath, the one who like to say 'ahhhhh' to me before putting that ice-cream stick inside my mouth, giving me sweet after abusing me together with my parents with that bittery, pinky syrup...and all that added up the term 'noble' as what i think of doctors.

i always sang 'oh, sarah, sarah...' and the future is not our to see.

i always wondered when can i sit on the plane my right index finger pointed to, everytime time it flied over my head and the roof of my little house...yet i never take a flight for this 18 years i lived.

i always wanted to be back to an age when no worry bothers me like i had every second now...

and i was always wrong about people, about human being.

those who looked cool and arrogant when i first encountered them are always unexpectedly kind. those who were once nice to me eventually turned their backs.

i was fine with my roommate. but i never expected she would be a person that talks. the first time i saw her made me felt that this is an ordinary, pure k.l people...arrogant, confident and somehow the way she looked at you trembled you.

but now she told me that if there's anything, i could talk to her as seeing me stressed out recently. so i came out with a new concept about people...'don't always judge someone before you had been saying 'halo' with him/her for a month.' things changed. you might feel cold shoulder everytime, but somehow it's just the deep inside us which unwilling to make the initiative to know each other better and an akward smile doesn't help at all.

like what i had been experienced in matriculation. i ended up making close friends with those whom i thought were just attention-seekers. but as i know them better, i found that i had to cancel every single perception on my pre-judgment list about them.

but seriously, i appreciated that my roommate was trying to lend a helping hand. i was ashamed by seeing that she could be more open-minded than me......soon mingled around the troop inside my lecture and i found her a very interesting person and sure wouldn't be as silent as in the room when she's with her buddies. yet, i was amused.

of course she didn't know, neither you, neither me what's exactly wrong with me. for those who had been seeing me for 3 weeks here, they would certainly notice the nerd in me. let say if i would really want to describe more specifically about it, it's just simple, 'under this nerdy glasses, i have a pair of caring eyes, i knew how you feel and i knew what should i talk with you, but behind this mask i wore in order to protect myself, i have a little angry heart with a circle......and i just couldn't walk out from that circle and shake your hand and hug you and say i love you.' get it? never mind.

and i don't even let my mom to get inside that circle...let alone a roommate that couldn't describe what is the feel of being alone and sad. the world that none of my best friend could enter...none of them, and for certain level that i felt it's time for me to talk about it, there's an automatically switched on alienation from the people who are close to me. i'm not sure if that comes from my mind or my heart.

and somehow, i also hide away from God.

imagine that feeling when your stubbornness forced you not to talk about something suffering inside you, even to God.

but that shouldn't be happened. we must live in peace and joy with our faith on God.

nevertheless, easier said than done.

i remembered a friend said, action is ultimatum.

this is why i loved blogging. it eased me every time i wrote them out.

and no matter how bad my mood is, i always smiled to people. trust me, especially inside this bigger ocean where you see patients and visitors apart from colleagues and lecturers. spare your smile as they are therapeutic. as a normal stranger walked pass you, we never know, deep inside him/her...there's could be a serious panic or depression working on......, and your smile might just have save one person that day and a pat on the shoulder is just the simplest body contact people seek after, and they are dressing nice and presenting good virtues daily just to hope for that.

be grateful when someone says 'hi' to you. be aware that you don't get to receive 'hi' everyday...it might be an attempt by people to show that they respected you and soon you lost that respect when you never showed that interest to answer it. don't assume that someone is being unfriendly as they are looking away....in this era, people are mostly likely to protect themselves from being hurt...so usually, we are all waiting for to be greeted. making first move never came to our thoughtful thought.

and today in the rehabilitation unit, i saw a very pretty little girl, dressing in school uniform, giving me and a few of us an innocent look as the rest are attentively listening to the staff and taking notes. it's a big discover to me that it's actually an unit that also gives away care for children with psychiatric problem...

i still remembered how desirable i am to just walk over and touch her head and give some supportive compliments...but i'm just afraid stepping out and i see the same thing in other course mates as well who were not into the briefing ever since this little soul became a distraction.

and her mother, in an awkward manner, brought her out from the clinic and came back when we ended our visit. i'm not sure how the little girl felt, but i was hurt at the very first.

and at the same time, i felt that i was making mistakes. i doubted if my intention to greet her was raised from sympathy. in fact, i should treat her just the same like any other kid.

but for sure, i'm not wrong being here. i realized i really want to be a doctor now. at least i got the passion......at least i have to do something when i can.

Agape ♥

why? why? tell me why?

Agape Love? I'm frust~

Seriously, I'm frust. What had happened to my English? They smelled rusty now. When I skimmed through my previous posts, I found boredom, bland and numbness. And my writing became unbearably long and with too much details.

Would it have to do with any psychological effect? Is it possible that previous days ago I wrote in a bad mood? Again, I don't know.

But now, I gotta tell that things changed. I'm okay here. Ermm...okay doesn't support very much the claim that I'm happy now. [In progress la......]

People have always said to the passive and unmotivated, those who apparently easy to give up...'Stand up,......and live for yourself.'

To Christians, we often rather live for God.

But I was doing neither.

Here, I see people grouped up together, moved in gangs. A friend told me, if you haven't try to find a gang now, you will be alone for five years. It is understood that we must watch out for each other. But is it mature enough for medical students who will be professionals five years later to handle things in such way? If I'm not in your gang, would I be an absolute stranger to you even if we went for the same lecture, joining the same club or perhaps staying at the same desasiswa for five years? If I'm about to die before you, would you save me in consideration that I'm not from your gang? Less dramatically, does it mean we cannot exchange knowledge, info and notes just because we are not in the same gang?

I just don't get the point. You can shout on the stage to call for integrity among us, among different races...but when you come down from that stage, you split among your own ethnics.

Coming here, I've seen more walks of life and the dark side of human, like the selfishness you can't imagine of. It's was a terrible place here when y0u find no hope for human which conversation preferred to be overtaken by rolling over eyes. [For some of them only......and even guys struggle to be attention-seeker...well, they are.]

But last night made me changed my mind.

I went for the welcoming night of Kota Bharu Methodist Church.

We played the Agape Love game to know each other. Seniors formed on big circle and juniors formed a smaller circle inside. And our circles was moving, and to each senior we would choose number and showed the number by our fingers. If the number matched, we only do the action according to the number. Otherwise, we bowed and apologized to each other.

Number 1 is the original love. Means we looked at each other into eyes and made intro where in that person eyes, you actually see yourself.

Number 2 is teaching love. Where we looked away from each other to our left side and made intro.

Number 3 is friendship love. We shook hand and introduced ourselves.

Number 4 is Agape love. We hugged each other and made intro.

Initially like others, I prefer number 3. I don't dare to look into senior's eyes, let alone hugged them and looking away from them doesn't seem respectful.

Then, I noticed some of the warm seniors often choose number 4 which my number 3 would have us to bow down and say sorry.

As time passed or senior passed, I began to have the gut to choose number 4 where I hugged a few seniors.

It makes me to realize there're still the people I'm seeking outhere. Why should I be sad whenever seeing my coursemates squeeze their eyes when looking at me or telling something hurtful with an indifferent tone? If I instead showing them some ♥it might confused them, right?xD

I felt the warm of human. I felt Jesus ♥ around us. It was just that simple night that took away my sadness for being here, three weeks.

As before that, I always wondered why people could just easily lend you a cold shoulder? But now I know, they lacked of Agape Love.

And I should share with them the love God has given me. ♥