Sunday, August 30, 2009
hmmm... i think its time to change blogskin... but dam lazy to find new one.. den still hav to edit.. hmmm.. see my mood.. haha.. new songs... all from wang zi kan jian er gong zhu.. a freakin nice show.. at least to me.. but makes me emo too.. lol.. n somehow i dun noe y iwebmusic is no longer available.. sian.. make me look for new places .. oh wells.. quite gd too.. now i can put more den one song.. haha.. hmmm.. too bad i dun noe where to look for the lyrics thing for chinese songs.. too lazy to find too.. so no lyrics.. wishin for something gd to happen for a change.. hmmm... somethings r not meant to be said.. i wan extreme makeover.. zzzzzzzzz.. i wan to hav drinking session... i wan to hav singing session.. i wan to hav .. er... no idea.. haha.. just wanna hav fun n relax.. forget bout everything... drink till i drop.. nah.. just joking.. i wont drop.. hmmm... its like officially at age but haven done anything yet... zzzzzzzzzzzz... i wan to learn bike.. dad dun allow... officially stop smoking when i can officially smoke.. sian... hmmm... but it feels gd not smokin too.. ITS TIME TO FORGET!!!... on a nite like this .. like all others... it seems so lonely.. or at least my heart feels lonely.. T~T .. n seems like everyone is too busy to remember...
1:06 AM
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
HAIZX!!... todae first dae of exam.. zzzzzzzzzzzzzz... instru.. i hate it... just can remember anything.. oh wells.. tml hav to study thermo if not chances of failing i freakin HIGH!!... hmmm... this sem really no heart to study at all..
n i need to stop liking anyone... I CANT FALL FOR ANYONE anymore.. zzzzzzzzzz.. i must not fall of anyone... i cannot like anyone... i must not like anyone.. zzzzzzzzzz... it will only make me weaker.. zzzzzzzzzzzz...
oh wells... hav to buck up alot for exams...
11:00 PM
Saturday, August 22, 2009
hmmmm... ok lets start things first...
IM OFFICIALLY 18!!! on thursdae.. not todae...
to those who forgot.. forget it.. anyway im a person tat is super easy to be fogotten.. so dun even need to sae my birthdae... to me since after pri6 my birthdae... i nv look forward to birthdaes already.. to me my birthdae is just any other ordinary dae... it doesnt makes any diff.. so even if no one remembered... i think it doesnt really matter... who saes 18 birthdae is special.. is sweet... to me... its nth... yeah... it really pains me to see others really enjoyin their birthdae.. whether 18 or not...
hmmm.. kk... this post maybe will be long.. n freakin emo... tats my life?... i dun noe.. i cant help being pessitmistic... i just cant be optimistic when im alone...
in sch.. its like im not myself most of the time... last time in sec sch.. i wanted to blend in.. i realised i cant.. so i become strong... too strong i guess.. for a gal... after all the relationships.. the breakups.. the betrayal.. the lies.. i seriously dun noe wad i can trust... all i noe is i hav to be strong.. to protect the rest.. slowly i manage to blend a little in.. in term of physically... maybe ppl dun trust me.. so they dun tok to me bout their troubles.. or any... all we tok about is sch stuff.. most of the time im like so left out.. but i tell myself to be strong.. i dun wan to let ppl see my weakness... all i wan to be is strong.. strong enough to control my emotions in front of others.. strong enough till i became like a "guy"... in terms of wad i do is like a guy... protect ppl ... clear spiders-cockroach for others.. since most r afraid.. i tell myself not to be.. at least for tat awhile.. so tat i'll be useful... so tat i'll be accepted... but seems like all these doesnt work... i cant be myself.. neither can i be tat me tat wears a mask in front of others...
now in poly... first sem of first year went ok... other den wondering wad am i doin in my course.. second sem of first year.. was still accpetable... even though im being slightly disturb.. i still hav gal frens to stand by me... now.. first sem of second year... i dun noe... i think i cant take it already... i cant take it so much tat i really dun feel like goin to sch.. so much tat makes myself give myself so much other reasons. so much lazyness just to not to go to sch... every single dae i kana disturb... not like first year tat kind of disturb.. i may look ok to u idiot guys... but im not... im not totally ok... i may look like a guy... but i still hav feelings of a gal.. im more sensative... guys dun like to be disturb... dun like to be suan... den u think i like... put ure shoes in others... imagine im the one not givin u face at all... makin u sound like u dun worth anything... see whether u like it... i may not sae anything... coz i respect u guys as man... tat u noe when to stop... noe how to think about others feelings... BUT U DUN!!... u guys r nth but jerks... i hate males.... but i still like males...
i seriously dun noe how to trust or believe guys anymore... especially for relationships.. u think i dun wan someone to care for me.. to love me... i oso wan to be accepted... i oso wan to be loved... but the truth is its tat hard... after the breakups... all those guys tat "find" me... seriously i dun think they r real bout me.. all they wan is just a gf.. someone to be their subsitude.. some nv even see me... they dun even noe me... wad makes them sae they like me.. just base on a pic tat doesnt even look gd... get a life.. all u guys wan is a gal for u to hav sex... find i admit i choose ppl too... but when the feelings come... i dun freakin care whether u r gd lookin anot... whether u r fat or not... its oso fine tat i got rejected... coz im just pure dumb to even like a freakin disgusting guy like u.. did u ever think tat ure not even gd lookin... n u treat me like a freak... wtf... take a look in the mirror... its a mistake i made... now i noe too... look more in the mirror... noe tat i dun look nice... dun need to like anyone... even if its frekain disgusting lookin person.. even more dun sae nice lookin guys..
now i noe not to sae the 3 words i love u or i like u.. it will only make things worse.. it would make guys freak out by just lookin at me.. now i noe to love or to like... is just keepin tat for myself... not to be shared... n no more lies... no more games... i noe tat the one in ure heart is not me... it was nv me... all along is only tat someone... so no more games... dun play with my feelings anymore.. haizx...
i dun noe.... maybe its not wrong with others... is me i guess.. i dun even accept myself... how to even ask others to accept me.. i dun even love myself... i dun trust myself ... i dun noe wth im doin anymore... ive no mood for sch... no mood for anything...
i hate it when i watch romance drama.. always makes me emo n blog everything out... i hate it...
i noe one thing for sure... just put on a smile... it will make everything better... den i can hide my emotions n feelings...
10:59 PM
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
haizx... i dun noe wad to sae... im a loser... nth is goin right... er... i think everything nv went right... WTF... so not lookin forward to sch or life... everything sux big time... i really dun noe wad to do... as usual... somehow everything seems like lies to me... i dun noe wads real n fake anymore... whether im even real in the first place.... how to be gal? i really dun noe... try hard is not enough... i wan ppl to accept me... kinda... hmmm seems like i cant even accept myself... how do i even ask others to accept me... i seriously dun mind being forgotten... den dun remember me anymore kk.. when u need my help... u remember me... after u dun need my help... u forget bout me... seems like im not important at all in anyone life... not even in mine... i wan to disappear... for good... disappear out of this world... i dun noe how i should live my life... idun noe wad next step to take... i seriously hate sch... i just wan to sleep sleep sleep... eat eat eat.. best just die... no more worries... no more dreams... no more wishes... no more hatred... no more love... no more feelings... no more everything...isnt tat the best ... the end to eveything...
i dun noe whether everyone is growing up really fast... or is it im the one tat is really not growin up at all... everyone i see change so much... me? no where to be found... getting from worse to worse... =P... looks like i took the wrong path from the start... step into a deep hole with no one to pull me out... drowning in huge waves... hopefully lookin for something tat will ease the pain... ............. i just cant stop being sensitive... neither can i stop being emo.. maybe i need councelling... yeah.. i need a brain wash...
12:27 AM
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