Life Break Coach- Midlife Crisis- Extreme Option

     Racking my already afflicted brain for solutions to my midlife crisis, I remembered reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat, Pray, Love; of course, it took me six weeks to finish it because it’s hard to lose yourself in the decadence of Italian food when interrupted by a child coming down with a stomach virus just as you settle in for a good read at night- Nothing like cleaning up half-digested spaghetti to ruin a detailed, Italian foodie description.  Driving to work the next day, halfway between sick children and school kids, I began to get bitter.

     “Why can’t I take a year off to explore the world and my spirituality?  I would kick ass at meditation!  I mastered the art of yoga during the one class I tried last fall when we joined the YMCA.  Too bad, I only had time to drop the kids for swim lessons now. After one yoga class, I’m sure I’m ready to work with a Guru.” My mind continued down this daydream.  “If I found a good Guru, would they allow kids in an Ashram?  I know we could get pizza in Italy so they’d eat there, but do they serve chicken fingers in India?  By the time we get to Indonesia, the kids will be seasoned travelers begging for Balinese rice crackers and fish, I just know it.  Greg would love Italy and Bali, but India I’m not so sure…  I bet I could get him to scrub floors for our Guru in India if I promised him a romp on the beach in Bali.”  And so I was off…

     After a couple of days, my mind really started to pick up steam.  I was typing my resignation and looking at flights when I made the mistake of mentioning my fantasy to Greg.

     “Are you nuts?  Spend a year finding “ourselves”?  We aren’t lost, Jenny, just burned out.”  He also answered my questions concerning the kids.  “We can’t get them to sit still with crayons and a coloring book in our church for forty-five minutes; how are we gonna get them to meditate for eight hours in an Ashram in India?”  After nixing my rope and duct tape proposal, he continued.  “Is this a family trip you’re planning or a defection?  Sounds like you’ve got a nice year outlined for yourself.  Let me know where you are so I can send you the kids’ addresses… I suppose my cousin would take one.  Your parents aren't fit so no one’s going there, but your sister likes the little one...”

     “Why can’t you raise them?  They’re your kids, too!”

     “I’ll be too busy touring the country with the band.  If you get to leave the kids to live out a fantasy, then so do I!”  And so our adult discussion of separate fantasy lives went.  

We weren't exactly on the road to a solution... yet.

     

Life Break Coach- Midlife Crisis Option 1

I could have an affair with one of the many men beating down my door. What man wouldn’t want an overweight, middle-aged, mother of three?  Unfortunately, this would inevitably lead to divorce, family upheaval, and dating (Gasp!) again.  A few of my friends have made this choice in the throes of mid-life. They succeeded in changing their lives, but at a high price.  Their families were ripped apart and hearts were broken.  In addition to the emotional expense, years of marital financial planning ended with substantial funds lost to lawyers, new living expenses and early withdrawal penalty fees.  I guess this seems a small price to pay to the hopeless and unloved. Personally, I would rather spend the money on a long vacation. 

Even if I looked like Diane Lane and Oliver Martinez was trying to seduce me into following him to the back room of a restaurant to have a wild, passionate tête-à-tête, I wouldn't be unfaithful to my husband.  After twenty-two years of marriage and three kids, I was still madly in love (if not always in like) with Greg; I was just too tired to demonstrate it. The only thing I fantasized about was baking bread. (I know. My husband is a lucky man.)  While running through the mall to pick up another birthday present, I stopped in Williams-Sonoma and gravitated to a book on bread baking.  Thumbing the pages, I felt consumed with envy.  I was jealous of the author having the time to grow and feed a starter, work the dough, wait for the rise, and then, bake the bread. I put down the book with a sigh and glanced at my cellphone’s clock- Yep, late again. Something was really wrong when a person didn’t have time to dream.  How could I possibly have time for an affair?

What is Option #2?

Life Break Coach- Identifying the Problem Part 1

At the age of forty-three, I found myself stuck in suburbanite purgatory frantic to escape.  I felt like the woman in that Far Side cartoon- the one where a couple are in a car, studying a map, lost in the country of Nowhere, when they come upon a road sign that reads, “Entering the middle,” and the woman says, “Well, this is just going from bad to worse.”  

One morning, I woke up and realized my husband and I were that couple, except we weren’t just driving through- we were living in “Nowhere” with every waking minute filled with middle of life details and responsibilities. From practices to meetings, from rehearsals to lessons, we weren’t enjoying our children; heck, we hardly ever saw them. 

One time, picking up our oldest, Anabel, after chorus practice, I drove right past her.  I didn’t recognize her standing on the sidewalk because she had grown seven inches that year.  Usually, when I saw Anabel, she was sitting in the car (ear buds in- listening to her iPod) on our way to the next obligation or lying in bed (ear buds in- listening to her iPod) as I kissed her goodnight when I got home from work or meetings. I was teaching at two schools, writing a book, running the kids around to their schools, music lessons, baseball, dance, horseback riding, academic bowl, friends, church, along with volunteer work of student mentoring, chaperoning field trips and being PTA president. “No” was not part of my vocabulary. I realized our family hardly knew each other.  Things were definitely going from bad to worse. 

If this sounds like you, you may need a life break... Read Part 2.

Frugal Living

Once upon a time, there lived a woman who could buy everything she needed and some of the stuff she wanted.  She shopped for new clothes for her husband and kids (and even herself if the "right size" fit.) She drank light (to get the "right size" to fit) caramel macchiatos at Starbuck's while searching for the perfect book at Barnes and Noble. She dined in the finest restaurants with waiters who brought her anything she requested and then cleaned up when she was finished.  She drove her own Volvo SUV and frequently downloaded songs on iTunes for her and her children's musical enjoyment while traveling from ballet to baseball, from PTA to ponies.  Life was good in the magical world of paychecks.

When the paychecks ended so did the fairytale.  Sabbatical life has reintroduced me to my dark, frugal side, much to my family's chagrin.  We have ventured through the looking glass and are definitely not in Kansas anymore.  (How many more cliches can I use in one post?  Keep count and I'll send you a coupon for $2 off Folger's coffee since that's all I drink now.)

Thanks, Kelly!

Here are just a few money saving changes we have made this year:

• Who needs new clothes when you aren't going to work and your kids are being home schooled?  Approximate savings: $3000
• Forgo the salon and have a friend cut your kids' hair.  Kelly's expertise was a godsend because I was planning to take a whack at it myself.  Approximate savings: $20 x 3 = $60 or $100 in hats and child size wigs. (Kelly, we'll need you back down for a return visit in 6-8 weeks.)
• Gone are the daily trips to Starbuck's since I switched to Folger's at pennies a cup.  Approximate savings: $3 x 365 = $1095  (No way I spent over a thousand dollars a year on coffee!  Maybe it was just twice a week... but if I add the times I pulled through a window for a Diet Dr. Pepper... Yikes!)
• With Starbuck's went Barnes and Noble, so we have embraced the local library system and are infinitely richer for it.  Approximate savings: $15/book x 40 books a year (very conservative estimate) = $600
• We only dine out extravagantly when we are traveling.  Now a trip to the value menu at Wendy's is a treat.  Approximate savings: $3000 - $50 in change spent cleaning the car (Sadly, no waiters will clean up after you in your car.)

Let's pause a minute.  Did we really spend as much in restaurants as we did on clothes?  Probably why the "right size" didn't fit most of the time. Oh, well, back to the list...

• Sold is the beloved Volvo for a travel fund increase of $14,000.  This also saved us gassing up a second car for a second person on the road at the same time.  We have "carpooled or not gone" all year.  (Does this mean we're a green family?)
• An iTunes download is now a goody that each person must pay for themselves.  This has taught the kids that if they want a song, they better like it enough to pay a dollar for it.
• A final, HUGE savings has been not having kids in every extracurricular or "extra currency needed" activity.  Approximate savings: Dance for two girls = $200/month x 10 months = $2000, Fall and Spring Baseball for one boy = $600, Piano lessons = $88/month x 12 = $1056, Cello lessons = $80 x 12 = $960, and Horseback Riding lessons = $220/month x 10 = $2200. 

Holy Cow!  Kids are expensive!

This year of no paychecks has also taught me how to save on things we couldn't cut out altogether.  I shopped more carefully, even clipping coupons, because I have had time to do so.  Back in the paycheck days, I "ran in" the grocery store.  I shopped for our immediate needs only.  We were so busy we had little time to plan.  This year has reminded me that haste makes waste (Another cliche for those counting) and the expense of traveling with three kids left no room for wasting money.

Here are my two most important money saving travel tips:

One of the benefits of family membership

• Plan, Plan, Plan.  Take the time.  Seriously.  Shopping around is not overrated.  A little work on the web before we leave on a trip has saved us hundreds of dollars.  For example, I have booked cheaper hotel rooms, flights, etc. searching sites like Priceline, Kayak, Fare Compare, etc.  Also, search your travel destination for freebies.  Many cities have free special events if you are in the know. Wink, wink.  Nudge, nudge.  If you have a membership in your hometown, look for reciprocal museums, zoos and aquariums for free or reduced entry.  We are members at Fernbank Museum and Zoo Atlanta and all five of us got in free to the Ben Franklin Institute in Philadelphia and reduced entry to the Monterrey Aquarium.

Local Lupper in Charleston

• Introduce your family to new words: Brunch and Lupper.  This two-meal-a-day concept saved us tons of time and money while traveling.  Basically, this is how it works: Wake and snack* in the room (granola bar, fruit, crackers.)  Sightsee.  Around 11-12 noon have a meal.  It's great to go to a place that serves breakfast all day then the kids don't remember if they had breakfast or lunch.  Sightsee.  Have snack*, if needed.  Around 4-5 have lupper.  Splurge on the city's specialty.  Think global, but eat local.  Talk and enjoy.  The kids won't remember if it was lunch or supper just that it was different...special.  Sightsee; then, back to the room for a light bedtime snack*.   

 *Bring your own snacks.

No new American Girl dolls,
 so Emma has to settle for a makeover.

For the woman in my fairytale, frugal living would be a major bummer.   She would hate the restrictions on her spending and feel it a sacrifice to donate time to researching and planning.  Of course, I'd have to tell her for each so called hardship, there are rewards, tenfold.  Life in paycheck land was great (honestly, I miss the shopping the most), but life in sabbatical land ain't so bad... with a little bit of work.  Ironic, huh?

Taking a Personal Day on the Road

Can you have too much of a good thing?

Family travel is wonderful.  Seeing famous sites with my husband and kids brings us closer together. I love that I saw the Hoover Dam and the Grand Canyon for the first time with my entire family.  We have stories to share throughout our lives about the places we’ve visited.  

Family travel is fantastic.  Learning new things at the same time has created a common bond between us because we have “AH HA” moments together.  We witnessed how jelly fish hypnotize, how sea otters eat, and how easily someone could fall over the side of a cliff (Pacific Coast Highway’s or Grand Canyon’s.)  However, too much of a good thing can make you want to do a little nudging along life’s cliffs so I have come up with a new travel tip for family trips:  

Everyone needs a PERSONAL DAY! 

Or hour... or twenty minutes.  Any time your schedule allows for each person to retreat to their separate corners and relax is needed by parents and kids alike to cope with the extremely close quarters, the traffic, the waiting in line, the “seeing one more thing before we eat”, and especially the “let me take another picture.”

While in Phoenix for a week, we took advantage of spending a little time and space from each other.  After a trip to Barnes and Noble, the kids each retreated into their books with Anabel and Wyatt reading the latest installments of Diary of a Wimpy Kid and The Dork Diaries in one day.  Greg took daily solo bike rides through the lakeside neighborhood with its beautiful parks and culverts and convenient bike path to Starbuck’s.  I looked at art.

At times while traveling, everyone is not on the same page so whenever possible it's important to be flexible and try to meet everyone's needs.  For example, Greg and the kids wanted to visit Alice Cooperstown Restaurant.... 

Alice's Restaurant

Wyatt tackling the "Big Unit"

Happy Family... away from Mommy

And I did not.  I wanted a Girls' Day!

Historic Scottsdale

With Anne at the wheel, we headed to the fashionable town of Scottsdale, Arizona. Aimlessly strolling from art gallery to art gallery, I felt the knots in my shoulders loosen and my mind wander.  Relaxed for the first time in weeks, I discovered southwestern art.  We saw the ubiquitous cowboys and indians in bronze, on canvas in watercolor, acrylic and oils.  There were wall size paintings of the Grand Canyon and the desert; beautiful, sweeping landscapes that tried their hardest to capture something elusive.  Then, the modern art jumped out at me.  I window shopped for my dream home. (Remember the one with the jelly fish relaxation room?)  I found ceramic boxes of Crayola Crayons and Good and Plenties a hundred times their normal size that would be perfect in our new game/play room.  Who wouldn't want a giant Prozac pill hanging on their bedroom wall?  No, maybe that would fit better in the relaxation room.

by Liz Tran at the Bonner David Galleries

My favorite art spot was the Bonner David Galleries where an old friend of Anne's family, Claudia Hartley, had an exhibit.  I loved her happy colors and pointillistic style and knew right where I would put one of her colorful interiors in my dream home.  However, it was the work of Liz Tran that caught this art novice's eye.  My first reaction to her unique form of mixed media paintings was to smile.  Simply put, her art made me happy.  Then, on closer inspection, I was intrigued.  Her combinations of ink, acrylic paint, graphite and layers of Japanese art paper were candy to the eye.  For the first time, I wished we weren't spending all our money on travel this year.  I would have loved to take one of her pieces to my real home, no dreaming.  I had the pleasure of meeting one of the owners of this charming art gallery, Christi Bonner Manuelito.  She and I had instant rapport discussing our kids, movies, baseball, family travel, and of course, art.  I hope to visit the gallery again when art is in our budget.

Relaxing at the Historic Arizona Biltmore

Continuing our personal day of culture, Anne and I luncheoned at the Arizona Biltmore, one of Frank Lloyd Wright's contributions to the Southwest.  As consulting architect for four months, Wright oversaw the masonry bricks created on site; however, Wright's apprentice, Albert Chase McArthur, designed and built the original 1929 building.  While enjoying my salad al fresco, I tried to imagine Irving Berlin composing songs poolside while Marilyn Monroe strolled by.  It doesn't take a great imagination to have a little fun in beautiful, historic places.

Arizona Biltmore

We ended this day of indulgence and personal renewal with Anne and Jackson treating us to a decadent meal at Kai, located in the Wild Horse Pass Resort.  Kai, meaning seed in the Pima language, serves local and Native American cuisine.  We started with the sublime sage martini, delicate barbecued wild pork and sweet desert quail.  For the main course, I had the most incredible filet of buffalo and all I can say is I understand why it was almost hunted to extinction.  Ranking high on our best food list, I place it number one in best service.  The wait staff doted on our table.  Though completely unobtrusive, we never wanted for a thing.  At times it felt as though our meal was a beautiful song, orchestrated by our head waiter.  All plates on the table were removed and replaced gracefully and fluidly at the same time.  We ended the meal with coffee and chocolate soufflé, completely content with great food, incredible service and incomparable company.

Buffalo... It's what's for dinner!

Our personal day was the perfect antidote for family claustrophobia and frazzled nerves.  We were ready for our next family field trip to Tombstone, AZ completely confident that the gunshots would not be family-fired.