My name is Alicia Hallock and I am a fighter!

So many of you have asked about my Utah trip and it's been incredibly difficult to truly express how amazing and informative that trip actually was. This will be a long and thorough post, but I hope it sheds light on autoimmune disorders and how absolutely empowering it can be to learn how to be healthy and care for yourself in the ways you need.

As many of you know, I suffer from Lupus and am bordering Rheumatoid Arthritis. My official diagnosis is Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disorder/ Lupus. I also have a blood disorder, which as of now, is being considered as Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome. My options here in Texas through western medicine are, lifelong blood thinner medication and Plaquinil (a drug originally used to treat malaria but has now been known to help with inflammation from autoimmune diseases), long term predisone steroid use, and chemotherapy. These options have been so daunting, and as I have researched support groups for others using these methods, it's all very negative and sad with very little hope. They are filled with people taking drugs to mask their symptoms and taking more drugs for the side effects. They are miserable and just prolonging the inevitable of when things get dramatically worse and organs shut down completely. 

While in Utah, I explored a naturopathic/holistic treatment plan instead. I went in with an open mind, but also very skeptical. My first visit was with an EDST who uses the German Meridian Stress Assessment Testing to test all my allergies/sensitives, my hormones, and gave an overall picture of my body's function. Within minutes, he knew things about me, my surgical past, and my already known allergies without me actually disclosing anything. The machines did all the talking and honestly, I became a believer. At one point along the way, I broke down in tears, looked him in the eyes and asked, "How often will I need to fly here to make this work for me? I am in this 1,000%.)" We established a 3-4 month time frame with lots of internet communication in between. He gave me natural designed chemical drops that mimic my body's own hormones and teaches it how to create the right amount for me to function. He also taught me that my gluten, dairy, lactose, soy and nut allergies are in my DNA; if you have a sensitivity to those foods, you should always do your best to avoid them. But, my other allergies to things like nightshades and most fruit can be helped with these similar drops. They act like a flu shot in the sense that they desensitize your body from the acids or allergens, and with time, as the inflammation and bacteria dies off and the body heals, your sensitivities can become less prominent and you can bring those foods back into your diet in moderation. For the first time since my diagnosis, I saw a treatment plan filled with hope, happiness and possibility! It was spiritually, emotionally and physically cleansing to feel something so whole-heartedly and know this was the right path for me. 

Adjusting my diet is only one piece of this treatment. Changing my makeup, lotions, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, nail polish, toothpaste, floss, toothbrush, deodorant, etc; and getting on the right FDA allergy approved supplements-- That's when things will really start to change. Because, even the smallest amount of corn or gluten from a topical product like makeup and lotion, or the smallest trace from toothpaste, can cause a reaction of inflammation and bacteria inside the body that could take months to heal and go away, even when you make the right changes again. So, I spent over $1,000 the last two days ordering everything I need to really invest myself into this treatment. If I'm going to do this, I'm going in all the way!! 

Hopefully once my supplements come, I can really absorb all this incredible food I'm eating, gain some wait and maintain it, and feel amazing!! I am so excited to get all my new stuff! I think I might burst into tears once I know I've received my last package. Actually, who am I kidding? I will probably cry as every new package arrives, haha! Again, for the first time in my 19 month health journey, I have answers, a plan, and a husband who is completely diving into all of this with me. He is literally taking the leap, holding my hand every step of the way, and giving this process his everything by changing his diet and topical products, and even using all-natural cleaning supplies throughout the house for me! He is so encouraging and never wants me to face this alone. I have so much hope and there are no words powerful enough to describe that kind of freedom. 

I personally, cannot have gluten, dairy, lactose, corn, soy, nightshades, most fruit, sugars, or nuts (except for raw, unsalted cashews). I cook everything in the healthy fat oils like, organic avocado oil, olive oil and coconut oil. It's definitely going to be a huge lifestyle change, but I think it's going to be really good for me!! I'm going on a personalized auto-immune-type paleo diet and also incorporating things from lowfodmap. Because of my sensitivities, things get tricky and more personalized. No one diet will be right for me. So, we combine and adjust as needed. We found out I'm really allergic to the acid in almost every fruit and all the nightshades. (Which are basically tomatoes, garlic, pepper, any type of peppers, cumin, paprika, onions, potato skins (but, I actually can't eat white potatoes at all), and even oregano!) I have to get a little creative with seasoning food, but it's actually going really well so far!! So, that I am thankful for. I even have to special order tuna fish because I can't eat anything sold in the stores. I can't have any kind of salt except 100% pure sea salt. Sooo crazy, right?! Who knew all that food and all my topical products were poising my body and making me so sick. It blows my mind.

Everything I eat, touch, and use is gluten free, soy free, corn free, dairy free, lactose free, sugar free, and nut free. And, EVERYTHING IS ORGANIC, ALL NATURAL, 100% PURE. I will not be able to eat anything processed ever again. But, I feel like I have so many options still and the food is seriously amazing!!! I cannot reiterate enough just how excited I am to have everything here. Throw out the old and celebrate the new!!! 

For now, I wear gloves when making the kid's food but at some point very soon, I hope to switch them over to as much paleo as possible! Obviously, they'll have many more options than I currently do, so I hope they have just as much fun with the new changes as I am! I make everything from scratch and again, I only buy organic, 100% pure, all natural EVERYTHING!!! I know it seems a tad intense! But, when you've been as sick as I have been, no measure seems too extreme. It will be worth it to feel better, this I know!

I am also working on establishing a mild workout routine! Walking two days a week for 20 minutes. (The goal is to reach a mile each day.) And, yoga/pilates for 15 minutes, three days a week. Seems simple enough, right?! For an athlete like I used to be, I could have done that without any problem. I mean, I trained for hours and hours every single day! But now, with my lupus in full flare-up mode, just standing for long periods of time to do my hair, my makeup, even getting the kids ready, I am completely exhausted. Sometimes, I use all the energy I have in a day getting us ready that by the time we get to where we are going, I have to sit in the car or miss out altogether. We have a lot of lazy, pajama days at home these days. So, when I can do this workout routine and still have energy for the day, I'll know I'm doing pretty darn good! 

On a more serious note... 
My friend, Heidi, is an absolute blessing to my world in all of this. I will not ever be able to thank her enough for all she's done; especially for saving my life. And I mean that in a very literal way. She has actually saved my life by providing everything I need to make this drastic lifestyle change. She has laid the groundwork for me so I don't feel very overwhelmed at all. Through her own twelve years of suffering, through much trial and error, and with some spiritual inspiration, she has provided the research material, information, and essentially created a step-by-step process to making this transition for people just like us with autoimmune disorders. She is embarking on year thirteen with Mixed Connective Tissue Disorder. FIVE autoimmune diseases combined! Yikes! Lupus, is one of her diseases and she has truly given every aspect of herself mind, body and soul, into this all-natural way of living and is now teaching me how to live it as well. And, I am happy to report that after almost a full year of living this lifestyle, she is approaching a state of remission. She has a few months to go and some hormones to get balanced, but she's almost there and I couldn't be happier for her!!! If this can work for her, how can I not have hope of the same treatment working for me!? The coolest part in my week long Utah stay, was walking into my doctor appointments with Heidi, explaining my 2200 pages of medical history, my options for treatment here in Texas, and then discussing the plan Heidi laid out for me. Every little detail she was teaching me, was being confirmed and readdressed by these amazing practicing MD's who simply think outside the box and find more natural ways to deal with very real and very scary illnesses. Severe illnesses like my lupus, that other doctors want to treat with invasive medications and chemotherapy! With her help, and the help of our doctors to safely guide this treatment plan, I have real hope for my future and I get to be in control instead of letting these diseases and medications take control of me! She is teaching me to be my own advocate and I am really learning how to navigate this on my own. I hope one day I can be as impressive as she is and maybe even teach her a thing or two! Haha!!

Everything is going amazingly so far! I even changed lotions and soaps for the kids so I don't risk touching them or washing them and getting sick from the minor absorption of those topical products. I am so hopeful!! I started eating paleo with Heidi in Utah for my last two days there because I had a really bad attack Tuesday night after I went out to eat. I started throwing up at her parent's house and sweating through my clothes. She was like, "Nope! You're eating here the rest of the trip!" Haha! Not only is she impressively smart, but she is so very sweet. She even packed me snacks for my flight home! Because of that, I haven't had the episodes of vomiting and diarrhea for six days now and I don't get the intense stomach pains, the rash, or the hot flashes and chills after I eat. 

Seriously, it's been the best six days ever! My friend Sara keeps teasing me that we need to have a poop party to celebrate!!! Haha, the things you celebrate when you're a sick person.wnk emoticon That was probably way too much info. But, whatever. Why not just lay it all out there, ya know?!

Some of this might be tmi, but I figure if I'm going to share my story, I'm going with full disclosure! I want people to have an understanding of my lupus, to understand that it's a huge lifestyle change to live completely healthy in every sense of the word, but it's also totally possible! I still get some anxiety every time I eat food and often catch myself mentally preparing for that full-fledged internal attack. But, even with the anxiety, I am actually excited to eat food again and since the pains don't come now, after 30 minutes or so, I have a huge mental celebration and my body finally relaxes. 

My goal is to document this journey; my progresses and my hard days. I hope I can reach out to others, like me, who are suffering or have thought about making this transition, but aren't sure how. I have found so much gratitude in my diagnosis's because they have given me such a greater love for others and life in general. They have given me understanding and have taught me that everyone is fighting a battle we might not be able to physically see. I feel that whatever kindness and love my heart held before, has been amplified to the fullest capacity now. I want to shed light on a naturopathic/ holistic treatment plan and change of lifestyle that I fully believe in with every fiber of my being by providing links, recipes, and any other related information. But also, for my own sake. I want to remember all that I am overcoming and doing for myself! Because I am a fighter! I want a constant reminder of the warrior-like strength it takes to overcome lifelong diagnosis's and trials we never expected. I truly believe the paleo diet can help everyone, not just those with sickness; and I hope I can be a small stepping stone for anyone looking to go down that path.  

I just want to say thank you once again, for the love and support and for continually praying for our family. It means the world to us and we love you all! 

-Ali

Why a Hysterectomy?

I remember each time I took a pregnancy test and it turned positive. I remember those days clearly, every detail and moment is engrained inside my head like a mini slideshow. I remember jumping up and down hysterically and breaking down in tears of joy, thanking God for trusting me with such a precious gift. I remember going to the first ultrasound with each of my three kids, and more specifically, I remember the nerves I felt going in there. My palms were clammy in anticipation as I sat there silently praying that the ultrasound tech would easily find a heartbeat and a healthy baby. I remember breathing out a huge sigh of relief the moment I saw that tiny speck on the screen, and immediately grinning from ear to ear as tears filled in my eyes from a flicker of a heartbeat so microscopic I felt like I might be hallucinating. I remember contemplating for months the perfect way to share our exciting news with family and friends, how we would share the gender reveal, the name reveal, and nursery themes. I remember those three very important birthdays that changed our lives forever. I am grateful for my birth photographers who documented everything so beautifully and captured every minute of those whirlwind days. I could never give my photographers anything in this world comparable to the gifts they gave me in those photos.

For me, my struggle with infertility allowed these moments to become so much greater and so much sweeter than I ever imagined. As those years went by, I wondered if I would ever get the chance to become a mother on my own. I questioned God's plan as I watched, what felt like everyone around me, getting this blessing that I was being denied. There I was, yearning for a baby, knowing I would be a great mother, and it just wasn't happening. While my journey was small in comparison to so many others, it was hard and I definitely started to feel defeated. Little did I know, God was watching over me the entire time, and He still is. He was never denying me that blessing, He was preparing me for the blessings that were to come. He was allowing me a clean break when just a few months into trying Clomid, my ex-husband would choose to walk away from our marriage. God's plan was much better than anything my small mind could have fathomed at the time. In the blink of an eye, I was reunited with my High School sweetheart and after 6 months of dating, we were married. Life hasn't stopped moving at a rapid pace since then!! We got pregnant on our honeymoon with our first unexpected miracle and ended up having three kids in three years! Life has been crazy, but oh so incredibly wonderful!!!

Fast forward to today, three months after my hysterectomy. People continually ask me why I chose to have this done and how I feel now that I've gone through with it. I can honestly say the decision wasn't made lightly and it's a weird feeling being 28 years old and knowing I am done having children. On one end, there is a small feeling of sadness and emptiness. For so long, I wondered if I would get to be a mom, and when I finally got pregnant, and stayed pregnant, it was a feeling so remarkable, I cannot put it into words. It's hard letting go of the part of me that made me a mother; the part of me that grew, carried, and protected my three little miracles. Sometimes, I think it's hard for my brain, and my heart, to fully grasp the concept of being infertile now. I know one day soon, I will experience that feeling of "baby hunger" and I have done all I can to mentally prepared myself, and Brian, for that day! As my little Emmy grows up and all the pieces of her that make her a baby start to fade away, I know that day is fast approaching!
On the flip side, I do feel so much relief and happiness! Partly because, I never have to suffer "that time of the month" again!! (Every girl's dream, right?!) But mostly because, it's exhilarating to know I have three beautiful kids, I am 28 years old, and I get to wake up everyday and be their mom. Being a mom is something I feel I am good at and I know with full clarity these specific three kids were meant to come to me when they did. I also know that having the hysterectomy was without a doubt the right choice for me too. After a severe case of placenta acreta, where I almost bled out and died on the delivery table because it went undiscovered until Emmy's birth, the doctors considered it, "potentially saving my life".  It's one thing to say you're done having kids, to make the decision on your own to not have anymore children, and for that choice to always remain in your control. Thankfully, we had made the decision already that we were done having kids, but now the choice has forever and permanently been made for me. When a doctor tells you getting pregnant again will most likely result in your death during childbirth, you do everything you can to avoid that fate. After reviewing all our options, for us, this choice was quite simple. My body made three healthy, beautiful children and I could not have asked God for anything more.

The hysterectomy itself was very trying, much harder than I thought it would be. There were moments after the surgery when I genuinely felt awful. I remember at one point laying on the bathroom floor vomiting, hunched over in pain, I could barely breathe from the side effects of tramadol, and I looked to Brian saying, "I just want to die, please make it stop!" I am currently still recovering and on an estrogen cream therapy to help my body heal and dissolve the suture coil that remain intact at the incision site. My surgeon expects me to make a full recovery at some point, and worse case scenario, I go in and have any remaining suture removed when the tissue is fully healed! Many of these complications have occurred due to my other health issues and nothing to do with the competency of my surgeon. In fact, she has been wonderful! It has not been an easy road, but it was the right choice to make. I have learned to accept help from others, even when I feel like a burden. We have had an outpouring of love and support and we will be forever grateful for everything. We hope to one day pay it forward to others who need the help as we have.

For Me, I Take a Stand...

I often feel misunderstood and unable to communicate how I feel. Writing has always been a good release for me and a way that is much easier to express myself.

Recently, I felt the need to take a stand for what it is that I believe in and to share my testimony. For anyone interested in listening, that's what this post is all about. I know some of you might be disappointed to read the things I am about to write. You might not completely understand or even think it's my place to "question". But, this is me, walls torn down, vulnerable, and honest...

Let me preface this by saying how grateful I am for the gospel and how beautiful it is that we've been given the chance to gain a testimony for ourselves in this lifetime. After talking with multiple people, I have been incredbily humbled and shocked to hear that many feel the same way I do and even if they don't, they've been extremely supportive and shared their testimony with me as well. It's an amazing thing when two people can be open and honest, have a difference of opinion and testimony, and still love and support each other in every aspect of life.

I grew up LDS-ish. I was raised by an inactive family living in the "Mormon Capitol" of the world. I was blessed and baptized, I attended seminary with all my fellow students in Utah, and I even went to church with neighbors and friends. Not regularly, but often enough to understand the basics of the church. I grew up in a home where I was able to make my own choices and was never forced into the gospel and its teachings. I had to figure out what a testimony really meant and discover what I believed in from the very start, without the influence from my parents. 

Now, fast forward to my adult life. Like many others, I had to re-gain a testimony in a life without my parents navigating certain aspects and choices that just aren't yours to make as an adolescent. And, after a few horrible choices on my part, I wound up young and divorced. I was so lost. I didn't know who I was anymore. My dad, of all people, suggested I go talk with the bishop of his ward. That man is someone I will never, ever forget. He changed my life forever. I walked into his office broken. Without hesitation, he picked up all the broken pieces of my life and put me back together. Except, he put me together more beautifully than I was pieced together before. He taught me that I was a daughter of God, NO MATTER WHAT my past looked like. He never treated me as a sinner or a broken soul. I was accepted and loved just for being me. After a few months of weekly meetings, I was building a testimony that was all my own, I had a patriarchal blessing as a tool in life and a reminder of where I came from, and for the first time in my life, I was an active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. This man blessed my life in a way so profound, I can never repay him. He is a rare bishop in this world. I truly believe had it been any other bishop when I walked through that door, I would not have ended up where I am now. 

A lot has happened in my life since then. A lot of judgment has been placed on me, particularly by those of members in the church. The very members that preach kindness and Christlike living. It's hard to listen to the opinions of women in Relief Society, who without knowing my situation, belittle someone just like me and place themselves on a pedestal for being better than me in some way. It's hard to hold my tongue and not express how I truly feel or share my own story without fear of ridicule, anger, and judgment. So, this post is for me. For all those moments I stood in fear wanting to take a stand, but couldn't. For the moments when I tried to speak, but failed to fully express my thoughts. 

For me, I take a stand.

I believe in the gospel, in its core teachings and principles. I believe in God, his son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost. I believe in these things with every fiber of my being. But, I do not always believe in the culture of the church that is run by imperfect men here on this earth. I do not believe that God and the atonement of Jesus Christ can be used as a comfort and also as a punishment. A comfort only to those of us who are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and who are worthy in every way. A punishment to those who are not. A punishment if we don't do everything right according to the opinions of those who run the church and the members who attend. I've been comforted during the loss of loved ones, loved ones who are not members of the church, and they always say the same thing, "Find peace and comfort knowing you will see them again." But, I have been taught the only way to see my loved ones again is if I am obedient to all the commandments and the "strongly advised" suggestions. I've met bishops and ward members who use the atonement as a scare tactic and I have felt that fear of not seeing my loved ones on the other side and living with them through the eternities. How is it that God can be so good and merciful but filled with so many contingencies? I believe that God, MY GOD, is filled with love and mercy, always. I believe He loves us wether we drink coffee or wear garments, whether we are gay or straight, whether we are members or not.
I believe that God loves me for me.
He loves me for trying to be a good person and always caring for others.
 He loves me for doing my best and being honest. 

He loves me for being a good wife and mother, a good daughter, sister and friend.

For me, the most important thing in life is my personal relationship with my Father in Heaven. A relationship I strengthen everyday through prayer. I pray always, everyday. I know He is there listening. I know He is there to offer comfort, guidance, and love and that it is not contingent upon the amount I pay in tithing that month or the number of times I read my scriptures each day.  

I love the church and I love the temple. More than I could ever try to explain. I have been inside those walls when I needed a safe place from trial and heartbreak. They have been my sanctuary and a place that brings me joy. I love what they represent and symbolize. 

I know many of you probably wonder how I can love something so much and yet leave a place for doubt or question. But, here's where I am most misunderstood. I don't doubt God and I know this life is not the place for all the answers, nor would I expect it to be. I believe this life is a journey, for each of us to pray about and decide for ourselves what is right and what we believe.
After all, we are taught to use our free agency and what would that agency be good for if not to seek for truth and testimony on our own?

The culture of the church is based on guidelines, "black and white", "good and bad", "God and Satan".   Somewhere down the line, it seems we've forgotten that it isn't always that simple. There is a gray area where some members reside. A gray area filled with people who are trying to decide what their testimony is. You might disagree and say, "Alicia, it IS that simple. You follow with faithful obedience." In Joseph Smith's time, he was teaching true principles and letting the people govern themselves through personal revelation and prayer. They were taught to seek confirmation on everything from teachings, revelations, and even prophesies, not just to "faithfully obey" or simply believe in every single spoken word. If you've taken the time to study church history, you know that some prophets and apostles made mistakes in "doctrine", "revelations", and in their various public opinions. This doesn't mean the gospel isn't true! It means no one is perfect. It means Joseph Smith was right when he taught us to govern ourselves based on the principles taught, seeking our own spiritual confirmation on our leaders teachings. It means the gray areas we are pretending don't exist, exist. It means it's perfectly okay to have a different opinion than our leaders do. It means two people who love the gospel but live it differently, can still stay on God's side and live righteous, worthy lives. Whether you believe in gray areas or black and white, we should all agree that the church is filled with people who are trying to decide what their testimony is, and figuring out how it plays a role in their daily lives.

I believe in eternal families.
"Families can be together forever" is such a sweet song.
We teach that the point of Heavenly Father's whole plan is for families to be together forever, through all eternity. It's such a sweet, kind, loving teaching until you realize it must mean Heavenly Father's plan is to also separate families. The truth is, only some families will get to live in the eternities together. Most won't get that luxury. According to what we believe, mine won't, unless I go to the "dark" side and stop paying for my temple recommend with a 10% tithe each month.

To me, it is not about having doubt in God or even doubting the gospel. It is a disbelief in "faithfully obeying" the opinions of the men who run the church and simply doubting that everything is either black or white. That you're on one side or the other.
I don't believe God has stipulations such as, paying tithing before taking care of your family to keep your recommend into the temple. I don't believe God would deny us blessings, earthly or eternal, for choosing to put food on the table instead of going on church-assisted living to pay a full tithe. I understand the principle of sacrifice and I grasp the importance of tithing, but I do not think God would see it more important to pay His established church first while our families are at home struggling to survive. I do not believe that if God were here on this earth today, He would tell good-hearted, wonderful people who love Him with all their hearts and to the core, believe in Him and do their best, that they were $1,000 short on tithing for the year and therefore, their temple recommend is as good as gone. That the blessings given and promised are not for them to receive anymore until that money has been paid. Maybe I am naive or maybe I'm just clueless, but in my heart, I am really trying to understand. I cannot find a rational thought where this merciful God everyone talks about can also be so restricting to a world of people who's circumstances and needs are vastly unique and different. How can we all be required the same financial tithe when our financial situations are so diverse?
Did I miss the scripture that tells us we are paying off a debt in order for the atonement to work and in order for me to be worthy of blessings?

All of this boils down to one small paragraph that is ultimately my testimony.
I believe church should be a safe place for me to go without fear of rejection or abandonment from the members inside because I'm not trying to do everything perfectly. I'm not doing everything exactly how they think I should. But rather, I am trying to do things right in a way that feels right to me. I pray diligently to understand His plan and His teachings. I pray for help to live my life in the way that is pleasing to Him. I wish people could see the "down to the core" good I have inside my heart before judging me. I wish they could see how hard I am trying. I want to feel like I can attend church with this evolving and somewhat misunderstood testimony and still be accepted. That I can love and support my nonactive family without being ridiculed for not being a better example or missionary. That I can love my friends who are gay and want for them to be happy, no matter who it is they choose to love or be with. I want to feel worthy to attend the temple simply because I am doing my best and I am a good person. I don't know how to do these things, support these people, and still be a good mormon. I feel torn between being the person I believe I should be and being the person I believe others think I should be.
Lastly, I don't believe God's love is conditional as Elder Nelson taught,
(https://www.lds.org/ensign/2003/02/divine-love?lang=eng).
I refuse to believe it.
I believe Heavenly Father loves you and me, UNCONDITIONALLY. I love my kids unconditionally, why wouldn't God love His children unconditionally? I know that God knows my intentions. He knows me to the core. He knows everything I am and everything I am not. He knows everything I feel, think, say, and do. In my heart of hearts, I know that He loves ME. And, I know He loves YOU, too.

The Best Version of Me.

Do you ever have those days or weeks when you just feel down? You constantly find yourself comparing your life to others. Comparing yourself to your friends or random Facebook/Instagram wives, moms, business owners, etc? You compare their successes and talents to your own and somewhere along the way, you lose little pieces of yourself. You start to feel worthless and wonder what your purpose is in this world. 

My head always seems to turn to the same validation--

These people are just extremely blessed and I got the short end of the stick. I feel like yelling,

"Hey! All you perfect little mommas out there who always looks extra fabulous with your 10,000+ followers on every social media account you own and endless success from your Etsy shop, could you please just give a tiny bit of your talent and success and rub it off on the rest of us?!"

How screwed up is that point of view?! How is it that one minute I am on my knees thanking my Father in Heaven for blessing me with so much and sincerely meaning every word, to logging on my Facebook and instantly forgetting all of that because I see the lack of likes and comments on the photo I posted 5 hours ago, or I see everyone else announcing big news and here I am, just making it through another day. 

I catch myself doing this on occasion, and to be honest, probably more often than I should. I start to forget that I have an incredible husband who loves me with every ounce of his being and three beautiful, healthy children who love me unconditionally. I try so hard to be perfect and to live up to the expectations I think everyone else has set for me. I have tried to make everyone around me happy and proud while putting my own feelings and needs on the back burner. I hate conflict and I hate disappointing or letting others down and I constantly feel like I have to prove myself or make up for my past. I want people to see the best in me, to see the progress I've made, to see my successes and happiness, and to be happy for me. But, I've learned it's just impossible to please everyone and that I've been exhausting myself for all the wrong reasons and all the wrong people. 

I've learned that I can't just lust over what others have. I have to dream my own dreams and work my butt off trying to reach them. I can't just sleep in everyday until my kids wake up and drag my feet throughout the day in clutter and chaos and expect miracles and blessings to fall into my lap. So, I decided to do something about it... 

1- I wake up early every morning and I don't allow myself to push snooze. 

2- I start off my morning with music that I love and an inspiring quote.

3- I tidy up the things I didn't have time for yesterday.

4- I workout. I workout for me. I workout so I can feel physically and mentally healthy. 

5- I eat breakfast in peace, before the chaos of the day begins. 

6- I shower and get ready, also in peace before the chaos begins.

7- I am 100% alert and there for my children the second they open their eyes each morning.

8- I try to set a mini schedule for the day and prepare all our "to-go" bags the night before. Oh, and dinners... the crock pot is my best friend!

9- I SLOW DOWN. I realized that rushing everywhere and being unorganized wasn't doing me any favors. In fact, it was hindering my ability to be a good wife and mom. I was getting angry at Brody for his desire to pack up every single Paw Patrol toy in our house to carry in his own little "pack pack" and I was upset at Elle for needing to wear every bracelet she owns, along with earrings and bows, and of course, needing her baby and all its accessories in her own "pack pack" too. I was running around frantic and yelling at my kids for doing absolutely nothing wrong. I was upset at them for being kids, for the things that would normally make me smile. 

10- I remember that it's okay if my day doesn't go perfectly because how boring would life be without the little tumbles and glitches? I'm doing my best and that's good enough for me. 

I am in charge of my own success, and for now, I am in charge of the structure and happiness of my children. It's important that I strive to be the best version of myself and not the best version of what somewhat else wants me to be. 

Live a life that you are proud of, live a life that makes YOU happy. Wake up each day with a new appreciation for life and all that it entails. Find a desire to do be a little better than you were the day before. Love life, love others, and most importantly, love YOURSELF. 

Family Day at the Fort Worth Zoo!

Now that we are out in Texas on our own, there is nothing that can compare to the weekend or Saturdays as a family. 

This weekend we spent hours at the beautiful Fort Worth Zoo and I promise you the kids could have stayed for hours and hours more. 

I am so grateful for these days with Brian and the kids and grateful for these little memories to share with them when they're all grown up.  

Well Dallas, here we are!

For so long, we heard Texas was the most wonderful place to live. It was a dream of ours to end up there one day! Little did I know, it would be right around the corner! I imagined this incredible life in Texas with my family-- the perfect house, the sweetest friends, being able to do service and live the gospel outside of the "mormon bubble" as we call it, back home in Utah. I knew there would be a transition and I knew it wouldn't be easy at first, but I had hope for a smooth move. I couldn't believe how quickly we got things packed up and how much support we had from family, friends, and ward members to get the truck loaded and ready to go. Brian's new job supported our move financially, my stepdad flew out to drive the moving truck, and somehow I miraculously sold the townhouse in 4 days! I felt like this decision was meant to be, everything fell perfectly into place. 

We sat together as a family in our overly packed car, following my stepdad in the moving truck, which was filled with everything we own and towing our second car, and we drove away from the only place I've ever called home. At first, I smiled, excited to take on this new life we were about to embark on. Then, I was overcome with fear, realizing we were leaving everything we've ever known. My comforts, my friends, my dad, and this place where I felt safe and understood. 

We arrived in Texas after three days of driving and living in hotels, only to learn our dream apartment we found online, was anything but a dream. It was somewhat of a nightmare actually, in a community that has experienced multiple shootings and being white was the minority. I suddenly felt scared and lost. We had no place to move into and my mom had made the 6 1/2 hour drive to meet us there and help us unpack. Brian was to start his new job in two days and there was no way we would have a place to live by then. It just wasn't an option at this point. In that moment, I thought we had made the worst decision of our lives. How could we, as parents, put our children in this situation and how could we, as a family, be homeless on our first night in Dallas? My world was crashing down. 

Lucky for us, Texas is full of some really amazing people with the most genuine and loving hearts I've ever met! With the help of my mom and step-dad, we stayed in a nice hotel for those three homeless days. The hotel staff was beyond generous. They provided us with laundry soap and dryer sheets to use their laundry facility and wash our clothes, they provided free snacks and meals for us and our kids, and they lowered our rates to make it more affordable. They did everything they could to put smiles on our faces and make this inconvenient trial, easier. We found a cute apartment complex in the outskirts of Fort Worth. They had a brand new side to their development with units that are still being developed. From the second we walked in, they were helpful and kind. They worked diligently with us, getting all the paperwork and background checks done as soon as possible so we could get in first thing Monday morning! They were our rays of sunshine on our gloomy first week here, particularly the guy we were working with. He became our first real friend here.  

The first couple of weeks were hard. First of all, the BUGS!! Oh my gosh, I am over the creepy crawlers and scorpions! Ha ha! I had moments where I felt strong and I felt like I could take on the task of my disastrous, unpacked apartment on my own, while being a mom to three kids as my husband was starting a new job and figuring out his roles and responsibilities. These moments of confidence were always followed by a day of meltdowns, however, from a tired, lonely, and scared woman, questioning if I could handle three kids on my own without my nanny and family support, continuing to run and manage Anberly, and making this place feel like home for my family. Somehow, we are all surviving and slowly, but surely, I got the house put together! For the first time this week, I feel like we've got a new routine and I believe I truly can do this.

Changing my license plates and drivers license were the major moments of clarity where the permanence of our move finally felt real. They were both exciting and scary. It's so exciting to be on this new adventure with my little family and to start over in an unknown place just waiting to be explored. Texas really is beautiful and the people are one in a million. But, it's scary and even a little sad, leaving behind the place we've called home for all our lives. We miss our friends and families so much, I've had a lot of moments of feeling alone. I miss feeling balanced and whole and having all of my favorite people and places within reach whenever I need them. Though my journey through life has been hard and though I've made mistakes, they made me better and they made me who I am. It's weird being away from all those places that held the memories of my past. It's bittersweet thinking of our goodbye, leaving the place we met and fell in love, where we got married and brought three beautiful kids into this world, and shared so much joy and love. However, I remind myself daily that I have a chance at a fresh start and there are so many memories ready to be made! 

The moments of truth... I'm officially a Texan! 

So, here we are Dallas, arms wide open, ready to take on all the new experiences you have to offer! You're starting to tear down my walls of fear and I am slowly falling in love with your beauty and the people who reside here. 

Introducing...

Emmy Elizabeth Hallock

5lbs, 9oz  18in. long

Beautiful, Amazing, and absolutely PERFECT!

Here is our sweet baby girl's birth video... we hope you enjoy it!

Our 2013 Holiday Season!

Christmas was more fun this year than I ever remember it being as a child. This was the first year Brody actually understood Christmas. He understood that it was a holiday about baby Jesus so he loved talking about baby Jesus and seeing pictures/ nativity scenes of baby Jesus in his bed; he understood that Santa Clause was coming and couldn't wait to make cookies and set them out on Christmas Eve; and he was so excited to take a picture with Santa, tell him that he wanted a train, and give him a picture that he drew! His smile and excitement made this holiday season more joyful than I ever could have imagined! I can't wait for the years ahead as all our kids begin to shine with this innocent and adoring Christmas spirit.  

Can I just add to this post that Brody is the sweetest big brother on the planet! He made sure to tell Santa to bring his sissy a baby doll and he never passes up an opportunity to give her a little kiss. He is so protective and loving and it melts my heart watching them together everyday. They are literally the best of friends and I hope it stays this way forever. 

We decided to venture out into the freezing cold to show the kids the Salt Lake Temple Christmas lights. It was a madhouse and beyond cold, but it was a beautiful night and we were glad we went. Brody still talks about the temple and those Christmas lights!

I also took Brody to the mall during the holiday season and he was ecstatic, to say the least, to ride the carousel!!! He absolutely loved it and I'm so glad I got to ride on it with him and create such a special memory with my son.