Mr. Mostly Darling called to check in. As long as I am not at work he calls me during lunch to say hi. I told him how the doctors visit went.
I have been wondering if Mr. Mostly has been thinking about his low morphology aside from making his running Pegasus sperm joke. I've been trying to make it sound like not a big deal. I mean, our RE said it wasn't a big deal- so I am just going to believe that.
I laid it all out for him, that I was not ovulating this month. He knew that was bad. Then I told him we would most likely need IUI and I gave him the two minute explanation of what that was.
He said "maybe we are just not meant to have children, this was a lot of testing."
Well I will be the first to say I have wondered the same thing. Maybe God wants us to adopt. Maybe there is no plan. Maybe there is no meaning to anything and us having or not having children doesn't mean squat. Maybe God is having us wait till some special predetermined time. Like someone very wise said to me "God has your baby all picked out already."
Well, God if you are listening drop us a clue. Or maybe you believe God is busy with you know, war and famine and stuff and this is the equivalent of calling your Mom at work to ask if you can have a soda. Maybe you think this is all decided already. I have no idea. Sometimes I think one way, sometimes I think another.
What I do know is that what is facing us right this second I can handle. I can handle these appointments, the diet, Orlando Bloom and the distinct possibility that I will get pregnant through what might be considered A LOT OF HASSLE.
That could change- when we are facing more scary needles and this gets more out of our reach financially. It is funny that in the beginning of this he was more positive and I was a mess. Now as more and more tests get done I see the Finish Line. It is freaking far away and there are a lot of hurdles but the more testing that is done the closer we get to resolution. One way or the other. He has become less sure.
I believe that is because this becomes A Big Choice. Yes to midnight feedings. No to dinners of Fritos and Beer. Yes to Fiscal Responsibility. No to as many game systems as are currently in existence. Yes to leaving the house with enough stuff to camp out. No to rushing out the door for spur of the moment adventures. It is always harder to Choose than it is to just Let Things Happen.
Friday, October 31, 2008
CD 15 ultrasound
Well I am still spotting merrily. The ultrasound tech said my lining looked normal(finally something is normal) and we were both speculating that it might be the metformin. She asked if it was normal for me to spot and I told her nothing is normal for me anymore.
She usually does not hurt me at all, but today I had an uncomfortable time. I gasped a little and she asked if I was ok and then assured me "it is always a little uncomfortable by the back door". Sigh. Insert your anal joke here. (get it,insert- that was mine now it's your turn! You have to find your own fun sometimes)
In follicle news, mine are just laying around. Hanging out, not doing diddley do dah but mocking me from their lair in my ovaries. The pranksters. So I tried to act like it did not matter. "Oh well" I said to the nurse and the technician. "It doesn't matter since we are on a break for three months"
Well, they rained the cold truth on me. "Oh no, it matters very much. You know you might get pregnant on your own if you can get your weight under control." Excuse me while I bang my head against a wall. I have not had potatoes, white rice, white bread, trans fat or corn syrup since December of 07. I have very limited white flour and white sugar, I eat 50% organic, I threw out all my plastic and store food only in waxed paper or glass. I use organic cleaners and soap. I DON'T DRINK. DON'T YOU THINK IF EVER A GIRL NEEDED TO KNOCK ONE BACK IT WOULD BE NOW???
Sorry, I lost my head for a minute. But really, my diet? Anyhow Personally I don't think I can allow myself to think I might get pregnant on my own. It has not worked for 2 1/2 years, so if it happens, swell no one will be more shocked than me but I am not going to count on it,mmkay?
Also, I have been reading and thinking and they confirmed my suspicions that we are most likely going to have to have IUI. I guess it is silly but I cried a little. I was really hoping that with the proper drugs I might keep a teeny, tiny part of creating a baby between me and Mr. Mostly Darling. Instead he will be coughing up the goods in one room while I wait in another room.
She also said that most of the men they see there have low morphology. Maybe because we are older? Maybe because they have such strict guidelines? She did confirm it is very hard to improve your morphology score. From what I have read IUI does not look too terrible, or terribly costly. I suppose that also depends on what drugs I end up taking. I am sure it is too much to hope that one of them is haldol. (Why I know what haldol is, is a whole nother blog entirely. Some day I might get into it I don't know. I kind of like just having this deal with infertility.)
On the mojo front. We did enjoy marital relations last night. In fact, I think it was the most fun we have had in a long time. No laying on my back with my hips elevated. No finishing in a TTC sanctioned position. Just the two of us and a closed bedroom door. With of course our cats on the other side acting like we had put them in solitary with no food or water. scratch scratch meow? Meow? Meow? Mommmmmmy? Daddyyyyyyyyyy? Meeeeeeeeeowwwwwww?
The nurse agreed with me that the metformin was making the hypoglycemia more apparent. She said to just keep having a snack every three hours and try to keep them high protein. I have my next appointment on November 7th.
She usually does not hurt me at all, but today I had an uncomfortable time. I gasped a little and she asked if I was ok and then assured me "it is always a little uncomfortable by the back door". Sigh. Insert your anal joke here. (get it,insert- that was mine now it's your turn! You have to find your own fun sometimes)
In follicle news, mine are just laying around. Hanging out, not doing diddley do dah but mocking me from their lair in my ovaries. The pranksters. So I tried to act like it did not matter. "Oh well" I said to the nurse and the technician. "It doesn't matter since we are on a break for three months"
Well, they rained the cold truth on me. "Oh no, it matters very much. You know you might get pregnant on your own if you can get your weight under control." Excuse me while I bang my head against a wall. I have not had potatoes, white rice, white bread, trans fat or corn syrup since December of 07. I have very limited white flour and white sugar, I eat 50% organic, I threw out all my plastic and store food only in waxed paper or glass. I use organic cleaners and soap. I DON'T DRINK. DON'T YOU THINK IF EVER A GIRL NEEDED TO KNOCK ONE BACK IT WOULD BE NOW???
Sorry, I lost my head for a minute. But really, my diet? Anyhow Personally I don't think I can allow myself to think I might get pregnant on my own. It has not worked for 2 1/2 years, so if it happens, swell no one will be more shocked than me but I am not going to count on it,mmkay?
Also, I have been reading and thinking and they confirmed my suspicions that we are most likely going to have to have IUI. I guess it is silly but I cried a little. I was really hoping that with the proper drugs I might keep a teeny, tiny part of creating a baby between me and Mr. Mostly Darling. Instead he will be coughing up the goods in one room while I wait in another room.
She also said that most of the men they see there have low morphology. Maybe because we are older? Maybe because they have such strict guidelines? She did confirm it is very hard to improve your morphology score. From what I have read IUI does not look too terrible, or terribly costly. I suppose that also depends on what drugs I end up taking. I am sure it is too much to hope that one of them is haldol. (Why I know what haldol is, is a whole nother blog entirely. Some day I might get into it I don't know. I kind of like just having this deal with infertility.)
On the mojo front. We did enjoy marital relations last night. In fact, I think it was the most fun we have had in a long time. No laying on my back with my hips elevated. No finishing in a TTC sanctioned position. Just the two of us and a closed bedroom door. With of course our cats on the other side acting like we had put them in solitary with no food or water. scratch scratch meow? Meow? Meow? Mommmmmmy? Daddyyyyyyyyyy? Meeeeeeeeeowwwwwww?
The nurse agreed with me that the metformin was making the hypoglycemia more apparent. She said to just keep having a snack every three hours and try to keep them high protein. I have my next appointment on November 7th.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Wondering WTF
Today is my day off. Instead of being productive I am laying on the couch and having a blog orgy. I am looking at all the infertility blogs on stirrup queens site. Wow. It's very interesting and I see quite a few I want to follow. I also saw a picture of the Largest Spider In The Universe.
I just came from the bathroom. (Breeders all infertile women spend a lot of time in the bathroom examining stuff they wipe off- is it mucus? Creamy? Stretchy? PINK! Implantation! IMPLANTATION!!! Nope stupid AF.) Anyhow yesterday I had a tiny bit of pink on the tissue. (Listen Breeders I TOLD you we are always looking go read some other blog about scrap booking or something) And just now I had what I would describe as AF level blood on the tissue. Bright red, kind of a lot but not a full flow. (Dangit Breeders I. Warned. You.)
However it is CD 14 right? So WTF? Is this the Metformin? Is this breakthrough bleeding? Bueller? We were gonna finally Do It tonight. I am all mojo'd up and everything. There has been planning and romantic dinner prepping. If I can't use all my parts then some of them should at least back off and let me have a good time. grumble.
I just came from the bathroom. (Breeders all infertile women spend a lot of time in the bathroom examining stuff they wipe off- is it mucus? Creamy? Stretchy? PINK! Implantation! IMPLANTATION!!! Nope stupid AF.) Anyhow yesterday I had a tiny bit of pink on the tissue. (Listen Breeders I TOLD you we are always looking go read some other blog about scrap booking or something) And just now I had what I would describe as AF level blood on the tissue. Bright red, kind of a lot but not a full flow. (Dangit Breeders I. Warned. You.)
However it is CD 14 right? So WTF? Is this the Metformin? Is this breakthrough bleeding? Bueller? We were gonna finally Do It tonight. I am all mojo'd up and everything. There has been planning and romantic dinner prepping. If I can't use all my parts then some of them should at least back off and let me have a good time. grumble.
CD 14 more poking tomorrow
I have another ultrasound tomorrow. So I can see what all my eggs are doing. I picture them hanging around in little eggy pajamas saying things like "nah we can go tubing down the fallopian next month. I heard this month the weather is bad. Let's just sit tight."
It's funny that I am Type A and I have these slacker Gen X ne'er do well eggs. Wasting time in coffee shops debating their Ultimate Purpose. " I don't need to join with a sperm! I am enough all on my own, I'm fine right here in my sac and I am not going anywhere." Great, I have militant feminist eggs who want to be single forever.
I wonder what it will show? One industrious egg getting bigger and ready to go on it's doomed mission since we are on a three month hiatus? Over ten getting all puffed up but ultimately impotent? Nothing? A flashing sign saying Out Of Order?
It's funny that I am Type A and I have these slacker Gen X ne'er do well eggs. Wasting time in coffee shops debating their Ultimate Purpose. " I don't need to join with a sperm! I am enough all on my own, I'm fine right here in my sac and I am not going anywhere." Great, I have militant feminist eggs who want to be single forever.
I wonder what it will show? One industrious egg getting bigger and ready to go on it's doomed mission since we are on a three month hiatus? Over ten getting all puffed up but ultimately impotent? Nothing? A flashing sign saying Out Of Order?
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
I am depressed
and tired. Maybe because I had to get up early and take Mr. Mostly's car for new tires? celia waves goodbye to $200 dollars. How can one tire cost two hundred dollars? It's not like we are in Nascar or something. Maybe because the Lara bar had too much sugar? Maybe because I did not get my two RE sanctioned cups of coffee?
Maybe it was because I read a sad and moving post by a blogger and then noticed she had not posted since August. I would like to hope it is because she found out she is pregnant, but I don't think so. Infertility is so isolating. There are so many people I don't see anymore because I cannot put enough of my own pain aside to be near their children. Mr. Mostly brought up a baby shower a few months ago and I realized how (STATING RIGHT NOW I DO NOT WANT ONE EVER) small my list would be.
Possibly if I could have been upfront from the beginning about how hard this is for me I would not have drifted away from so many people. I have never been one to like a huge crowd of friends. I prefer a small circle of people. But I realized my small circle is minute now. I don' t really know what if anything to do about that. I don't know that I am in a place where I want new friends- or more exhausting re-connecting with my old friends.
Well on that fabulously cheerful note, I am going to work. And I am going to get a pumpkin coffee.
Maybe it was because I read a sad and moving post by a blogger and then noticed she had not posted since August. I would like to hope it is because she found out she is pregnant, but I don't think so. Infertility is so isolating. There are so many people I don't see anymore because I cannot put enough of my own pain aside to be near their children. Mr. Mostly brought up a baby shower a few months ago and I realized how (STATING RIGHT NOW I DO NOT WANT ONE EVER) small my list would be.
Possibly if I could have been upfront from the beginning about how hard this is for me I would not have drifted away from so many people. I have never been one to like a huge crowd of friends. I prefer a small circle of people. But I realized my small circle is minute now. I don' t really know what if anything to do about that. I don't know that I am in a place where I want new friends- or more exhausting re-connecting with my old friends.
Well on that fabulously cheerful note, I am going to work. And I am going to get a pumpkin coffee.
CD 13
I spoke with Mr. Mostly Darling this morning regarding our lost mojo. So maybe something will change tonight or tomorrow. We have been working opposite schedules for two weeks, so I know that is a factor. Or maybe it was that the RE called me the "O" word in front of Mr. Mostly. Nothing says Lets Get It On like being called obese.
Which ok, it's true but BUT I am still cute. I am still pretty. Obese is not a pretty word. It makes me feel like I should be strolling The Mart in an ill fitted t-shirt that says Pop's House O' Ribs.
I really don't know what to do with myself now that we are Not Trying. I suppose I could go roll around in the money I will save on pregnancy tests. I am really quite tempted to have a gin and tonic although I have read that Metformin does not take kindly to the likker. I am going away this weekend with my mother and sister for a spa trip. Doesn't that make me sound rich? Tra la la. However, my sister is paying. We don't have a spa kind of budget. We have a stay home and rub moisturizer on our feet kind of budget.
I feel a little disjointed. I think it's because I did not eat enough or at the right times this morning. I was out running errands that could not wait so I took my thyroid pill and off I went. You have to wait 45 minutes to an hour to eat after thyroid medication. Then the snack I packed was a Lara bar which I did not realize was mostly made of dates. Delicious but not good for a Low GI breakfast. I am doing penance with a lunch of chick peas, tomato, garlic, olives and avocado over brown rice.
I guess it's just a cloudy, meh kind of day.
Which ok, it's true but BUT I am still cute. I am still pretty. Obese is not a pretty word. It makes me feel like I should be strolling The Mart in an ill fitted t-shirt that says Pop's House O' Ribs.
I really don't know what to do with myself now that we are Not Trying. I suppose I could go roll around in the money I will save on pregnancy tests. I am really quite tempted to have a gin and tonic although I have read that Metformin does not take kindly to the likker. I am going away this weekend with my mother and sister for a spa trip. Doesn't that make me sound rich? Tra la la. However, my sister is paying. We don't have a spa kind of budget. We have a stay home and rub moisturizer on our feet kind of budget.
I feel a little disjointed. I think it's because I did not eat enough or at the right times this morning. I was out running errands that could not wait so I took my thyroid pill and off I went. You have to wait 45 minutes to an hour to eat after thyroid medication. Then the snack I packed was a Lara bar which I did not realize was mostly made of dates. Delicious but not good for a Low GI breakfast. I am doing penance with a lunch of chick peas, tomato, garlic, olives and avocado over brown rice.
I guess it's just a cloudy, meh kind of day.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
CD 12 who stole mah mojo?
It is a good thing we are on a TTC break, because currently the only thing going on in our bedroom is sleep. I think we are thrown from the results. Since we are the people that we are, we have been joking about it. When Mr. Mostly Darling heard about his deformed sperm he whispered when the RE was not looking that they probably had wings- he had flying Pegasus sperm.
Our babies would have wings! Then when we found out my craptastic thyroid would lead to poor brain development we whispered at the same time "Mongo loves flying" I wondered how we both came up with the name Mongo and turned to Google. It's a character from Blazing Saddles- proving that we spend waaaaay too much time watching tv together. You know something absurd, I was wondering if that was not very nice of us, to be poking fun at our broken, broken , so broken reproductive capabilities. Can I not even give myself a break to use humor when we are getting terrible news? Like the Baby Police are going to come after us and give us a ticket?
Us- What is this ticket for?
Baby Police It's for not remaining serious All the time no matter what in your quest to get one of these here babies. You know, we can suspend your permit if you do not stay properly behaved at all times.
I purchased birth control, with extremely mixed feelings. I did hope that we might have more spontaneous sex, now that we are On A Break. Umm, no. Not so much. Or in fact at all. I guess we are both just processing that even if we could get pregnant it would not be a good idea.
Our babies would have wings! Then when we found out my craptastic thyroid would lead to poor brain development we whispered at the same time "Mongo loves flying" I wondered how we both came up with the name Mongo and turned to Google. It's a character from Blazing Saddles- proving that we spend waaaaay too much time watching tv together. You know something absurd, I was wondering if that was not very nice of us, to be poking fun at our broken, broken , so broken reproductive capabilities. Can I not even give myself a break to use humor when we are getting terrible news? Like the Baby Police are going to come after us and give us a ticket?
Us- What is this ticket for?
Baby Police It's for not remaining serious All the time no matter what in your quest to get one of these here babies. You know, we can suspend your permit if you do not stay properly behaved at all times.
I purchased birth control, with extremely mixed feelings. I did hope that we might have more spontaneous sex, now that we are On A Break. Umm, no. Not so much. Or in fact at all. I guess we are both just processing that even if we could get pregnant it would not be a good idea.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Oh Mighty Metformin
I see now I was foolish to doubt your cunning. Lulling me into a feeling of safety. Whispering into my ear that macaroni and cheese with a birthday cake chaser was a good- nay Great idea.
YOU WIN.
YOU WIN.
CD 11 Orlando is the debbil.
I rode Orlando for ten excruciating (well ok, really uncomfortable) minutes. Yuck. I kept thinking this is for a baby. If I can't handle this how will I handle labor, this is cheaper than follistim, this is for a baby.
Well it got me through ten minutes, that is all it had to do. Ten minutes more later. I am telling you people My Ass Is Killing Me. You would think it is fat enough to cushion itself, but sadly not.
Mr. Naughtypants is chiming in to say that he thinks I play on the internet too much. He is reminding me that time spent typing is time I could be spending rubbing his belly.
*Some things I am NOT thinking about.
When my test results are coming back. My RE said I might have a benign tumor on my thyroid. LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA
That I might have to take all these pills 7 pills a day and 8 twice weekly for years and years and will it ever end? Do I have to take this stuff forever? LALALALALALALALALALALALALALA
That we have so many things going on now that I am foolish to even try to get pregnant. PCOS, Hypoglycemia, thyroid disease, low morphology. LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA
Well it got me through ten minutes, that is all it had to do. Ten minutes more later. I am telling you people My Ass Is Killing Me. You would think it is fat enough to cushion itself, but sadly not.
Mr. Naughtypants is chiming in to say that he thinks I play on the internet too much. He is reminding me that time spent typing is time I could be spending rubbing his belly.
*Some things I am NOT thinking about.
When my test results are coming back. My RE said I might have a benign tumor on my thyroid. LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA
That I might have to take all these pills 7 pills a day and 8 twice weekly for years and years and will it ever end? Do I have to take this stuff forever? LALALALALALALALALALALALALALA
That we have so many things going on now that I am foolish to even try to get pregnant. PCOS, Hypoglycemia, thyroid disease, low morphology. LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA
Sunday, October 26, 2008
CD 10 for 35 more minutes.
I did ten more minutes on Orlando. I whined the whole time too. However, 20 minutes total today. I am sure as soon as I buy a cushion for the seat, it won't suck nearly as much.
I am still waiting for the extreme badness that I have heard of regarding metformin. I have not had any serious problems. Ok, yesterday I did have a small episode( my sister and my mother looked at me in complete horror) of gas. However, my main problems have been feeling shaky if I don't eat every three hours.
What the heck is that all about? Maybe a side affect of the metformin?
I cannot quite wrap my mind around the fact that we have to quit trying for three months. I keep hearing this loud, announcery type voice saying ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE. I bought birth control today, hysterical. I would like to thank The Universe for giving me such ample helpings of irony. Thanks Universe, you're the best.
The first person to say ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE out loud to me is going to get punched. Tomorrow I will continue How I Got Here. Right now I have to go forage, I am hongry. It has been three hours and 4 minutes DAMMIT. Maybe I will have some (birthday cake noooooo bad nooo) whole wheat toast. birthday cake???? noooooooooo bad nooooooooo. wasa crackers. birthday cake mmmm NO whole wheat toast.
I am still waiting for the extreme badness that I have heard of regarding metformin. I have not had any serious problems. Ok, yesterday I did have a small episode( my sister and my mother looked at me in complete horror) of gas. However, my main problems have been feeling shaky if I don't eat every three hours.
What the heck is that all about? Maybe a side affect of the metformin?
I cannot quite wrap my mind around the fact that we have to quit trying for three months. I keep hearing this loud, announcery type voice saying ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE. I bought birth control today, hysterical. I would like to thank The Universe for giving me such ample helpings of irony. Thanks Universe, you're the best.
The first person to say ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE out loud to me is going to get punched. Tomorrow I will continue How I Got Here. Right now I have to go forage, I am hongry. It has been three hours and 4 minutes DAMMIT. Maybe I will have some (birthday cake noooooo bad nooo) whole wheat toast. birthday cake???? noooooooooo bad nooooooooo. wasa crackers. birthday cake mmmm NO whole wheat toast.
CD 10 Riding Orlando
I have had my morning meds and am now drinking some coffee. mmm. My new exercise bike is staring at me, gloating. "Ha ha it is saying, waddle over here and climb on!"
I'm coming. meh. We have to use birth control again. Which sucketh to the max. I told Mr. Mostly that we could pretend we were single again. He cracked up and then started running lines on me. Must get our lols where we can.
I am going to try and make this as pleasant as possible and name the bike Orlando Bloom. It makes it instantly appealing. "I rode Orlando Bloom for an hour today. Time to climb on Orlando and get sweaty."
I have strange mental associations with Orlando Bloom because one of my gynos had a poster of him on the ceiling above the table. So she would be fooling Down There and Orlando would be looking at me. Weird.
Swinging by to add that I rode Orlando. Mother of Pearl that hurt. oww. I did ten minutes and will do ten minutes when I get home tonight. I have no idea how I am going to get my butt to agree to sit on that thing for an hour every day. Maybe if I distract it with some Fritos......
I'm coming. meh. We have to use birth control again. Which sucketh to the max. I told Mr. Mostly that we could pretend we were single again. He cracked up and then started running lines on me. Must get our lols where we can.
I am going to try and make this as pleasant as possible and name the bike Orlando Bloom. It makes it instantly appealing. "I rode Orlando Bloom for an hour today. Time to climb on Orlando and get sweaty."
I have strange mental associations with Orlando Bloom because one of my gynos had a poster of him on the ceiling above the table. So she would be fooling Down There and Orlando would be looking at me. Weird.
Swinging by to add that I rode Orlando. Mother of Pearl that hurt. oww. I did ten minutes and will do ten minutes when I get home tonight. I have no idea how I am going to get my butt to agree to sit on that thing for an hour every day. Maybe if I distract it with some Fritos......
Saturday, October 25, 2008
CD 9
Well, I just took my morning medicine and am having a low-gi breakfast of spiced oatmeal with raisins. And coffee. Today is my birthday. Before you go thinking Happy Birthday at me I have to tell you I am not Happy about this Birthday.
I have done everything withing my power to have a baby before I turned 35. I turned 34 today. I have been trying since I was 31. The RE is having me wait 3 months to get my hypoglycemia and thyroid under control. So that even if I got knocked up the very SECOND we have RE approval I will be considered of advanced maternal age. I am so pissed. What else could I have done?
Mr. Mostly is playing Brad Paisley for me. I love Brad Paisley but Mr. Mostly is more a Metallica kind of guy. He has drawn me a lovely picture of my darling cat. I think we are going to go look at exercise bikes in a little bit.
Last night was pretty bad. I had such an awful headache Mr. Mostly Darling had to come pick me up. I think the Metformin made the hypoglycemia worse. Today I am going to try a small snack every three hours.
Well, I am going to go bask in birthday cuddles.
I have done everything withing my power to have a baby before I turned 35. I turned 34 today. I have been trying since I was 31. The RE is having me wait 3 months to get my hypoglycemia and thyroid under control. So that even if I got knocked up the very SECOND we have RE approval I will be considered of advanced maternal age. I am so pissed. What else could I have done?
Mr. Mostly is playing Brad Paisley for me. I love Brad Paisley but Mr. Mostly is more a Metallica kind of guy. He has drawn me a lovely picture of my darling cat. I think we are going to go look at exercise bikes in a little bit.
Last night was pretty bad. I had such an awful headache Mr. Mostly Darling had to come pick me up. I think the Metformin made the hypoglycemia worse. Today I am going to try a small snack every three hours.
Well, I am going to go bask in birthday cuddles.
Friday, October 24, 2008
the scoop
The very, very good news. We don't have to worry about Cystic Fibrosis or Tay- Sachs disease. Thank God. It has been a long, long time waiting for the genetic screening results.
Other news. I have not figured this out enough to sound coherent, I will shoot for semi-coherent.
Mr. Mostly Darling has low morphology. This means that the percent of his sperm that is properly shaped is very low. So they are putting him on some vitamins that may help. They will re-test him in a few months. If it does not help, they can still inject his sperm (yum)into my uterus so it does not have to swim so far.
This was quite a surprise to us.
Also, I am hypoglycemic. Which I am still trying to understand but I have an appointment with a nutritionist and have to eat a low gi diet whateverthehell that is.
I also have a thyroid problem. That and the hypoglycemia could be major contributors to my depression. I have to take Vitamins C and a baby aspirin every day. I have to take vitamin E twice a week. I have to take something called Metformin 3 times a day in increasing amounts.
That has charming side affects like gas and the hurry ups. Nice.
I also have to take something for my thyroid and one of the side affects is that MY HAIR MIGHT FALL OUT. nice.
On the other hand, I think between the metformin and hte thyroid stuff I might drop some weight.
So I have to spend three months (yep more waiting hurrah!) getting healthy. I am also at a higher risk for gestational diabetes( and regular diabetes my body sucks ass) as well as pre-eclampsia. nice.
So they took some more blood to get a better look at my thyroid. Where is the damn Easy Button?
Other news. I have not figured this out enough to sound coherent, I will shoot for semi-coherent.
Mr. Mostly Darling has low morphology. This means that the percent of his sperm that is properly shaped is very low. So they are putting him on some vitamins that may help. They will re-test him in a few months. If it does not help, they can still inject his sperm (yum)into my uterus so it does not have to swim so far.
This was quite a surprise to us.
Also, I am hypoglycemic. Which I am still trying to understand but I have an appointment with a nutritionist and have to eat a low gi diet whateverthehell that is.
I also have a thyroid problem. That and the hypoglycemia could be major contributors to my depression. I have to take Vitamins C and a baby aspirin every day. I have to take vitamin E twice a week. I have to take something called Metformin 3 times a day in increasing amounts.
That has charming side affects like gas and the hurry ups. Nice.
I also have to take something for my thyroid and one of the side affects is that MY HAIR MIGHT FALL OUT. nice.
On the other hand, I think between the metformin and hte thyroid stuff I might drop some weight.
So I have to spend three months (yep more waiting hurrah!) getting healthy. I am also at a higher risk for gestational diabetes( and regular diabetes my body sucks ass) as well as pre-eclampsia. nice.
So they took some more blood to get a better look at my thyroid. Where is the damn Easy Button?
CD 8 it is today
It is today! I can't sleep. I am so excited and scared. Excited that we are moving on and scared that we will get ugly answers. Still, even an ugly answer like "we can't help you" is better than wondering and making myself crazy.
Things I am afraid of. The doctor will tell me I am too fat. Well I am fat, but for pity's sake it is awful trying to lose weight with PCOS. I have lost 20 pounds, which is good. I am afraid he will tell us we tested positive for a scary genetic disease. I am afraid that of all the wonderful things covered by our insurance he will want us to use the one drug that is not and costs 500 bucks each time.
I am sure there is more to be afraid of.
Things I am excited about. I am excited to get our darn results back finally. I am excited to be doing something. I am hopeful that he will tell me exactly what we are going to do next and that it will be something that does not involve a needle in my ass. I am hoping for a time frame. I am tired of "soon" I want to hear things like "next month". Mostly I am just hoping and praying that this will be the time something will happen.
It feels like a cross between Christmas Eve and final exams.
Things I am afraid of. The doctor will tell me I am too fat. Well I am fat, but for pity's sake it is awful trying to lose weight with PCOS. I have lost 20 pounds, which is good. I am afraid he will tell us we tested positive for a scary genetic disease. I am afraid that of all the wonderful things covered by our insurance he will want us to use the one drug that is not and costs 500 bucks each time.
I am sure there is more to be afraid of.
Things I am excited about. I am excited to get our darn results back finally. I am excited to be doing something. I am hopeful that he will tell me exactly what we are going to do next and that it will be something that does not involve a needle in my ass. I am hoping for a time frame. I am tired of "soon" I want to hear things like "next month". Mostly I am just hoping and praying that this will be the time something will happen.
It feels like a cross between Christmas Eve and final exams.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
What's in a name?
I have been thinking about this off and on for about two years. When I was a little girl, like every other little girl I knew I thought up names for babies. What would I name my babies? My friends and I read baby name books and discussed and dismissed name after name. Mr. Mostly Darling and I settled on names years before trying to conceive.
However, a month or two after we lost our baby I began to wonder. How could I name the next baby a name that had already had an owner, even if only for a little while? Would I always see a shadow child standing next to the living child? Had I dreamed too many dreams and put too many hopes on these names? Was it like saying the baby we mourned was not good enough to "keep" these names? I did not feel right about it.
About a year later the subject came up again and Mr. Mostly Darling was of the opinion that we should wait to be pregnant again before making ourselves name crazy. We had actually chosen four names, two girl and two boy depending on what we ended up with. I wondered if we went with last two names would I always think "Your name is Sean because Peter died?"
I have no idea what to do about this. It is most surely putting the cart before the horse. we have so many hurdles we have to jump before we even need a name, and yet this is something I do dwell on now and then.
I expect I will not know until we are down to the wire. I have learned caution now, and guard my heart from too much dreaming. Most likely I will not allow myself to love a name until I am sure of the baby that will answer to it.
However, a month or two after we lost our baby I began to wonder. How could I name the next baby a name that had already had an owner, even if only for a little while? Would I always see a shadow child standing next to the living child? Had I dreamed too many dreams and put too many hopes on these names? Was it like saying the baby we mourned was not good enough to "keep" these names? I did not feel right about it.
About a year later the subject came up again and Mr. Mostly Darling was of the opinion that we should wait to be pregnant again before making ourselves name crazy. We had actually chosen four names, two girl and two boy depending on what we ended up with. I wondered if we went with last two names would I always think "Your name is Sean because Peter died?"
I have no idea what to do about this. It is most surely putting the cart before the horse. we have so many hurdles we have to jump before we even need a name, and yet this is something I do dwell on now and then.
I expect I will not know until we are down to the wire. I have learned caution now, and guard my heart from too much dreaming. Most likely I will not allow myself to love a name until I am sure of the baby that will answer to it.
CD 7 part 2
I have been tested for other stuff, but honestly who can remember at this point. Poor Mr. Mostly Darling has had 4 semen analysis. A tip for everyone whose partner must do this. You can load the ahem movie of your choice onto your ipod so that you do not have to use the pawed through magazines at the collection site. Mr. Mostly has done this at three different places and of course I did my best to drag every detail of what the rooms and selections were like.
We did get the results of his second semen analysis and he looked fine, which was expected since I am the one not ovulating. However, the RE likes to have several different samples because the sperm can vary in quality. I am really hoping to get an idea of how much this is going to cost. If the Clomid works for us we will get out of this cheaply. If we have to use injectibles- well expect this blog to have a lot of references to beans and rice.
We did get the results of his second semen analysis and he looked fine, which was expected since I am the one not ovulating. However, the RE likes to have several different samples because the sperm can vary in quality. I am really hoping to get an idea of how much this is going to cost. If the Clomid works for us we will get out of this cheaply. If we have to use injectibles- well expect this blog to have a lot of references to beans and rice.
CD 7
Tomorrow is the big day! TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW Say... did I mention we get our test results tomorrow? My first visit with the RE was August 14, so I have been waiting two and a half months for some of these results. What we are getting back (that I can remember) my blood sugar tests I had to take the three hour glucose test twice,they tested my hormone levels, my pituitary function, they have looked at my uterine lining, my fallopian tubes, they re-examined my HSG, genetic screening, they checked us for STDS again. I swear, I have been tested for STDs maybe four times since I started this jazz.
Mr. Naughtypants would like to remind everyone on the internets that he is still starving and neglected. I am mean, and will not share my toast. You might think he would still be recovering from diving face first into my bowl of nacho cheese dip last night, but you would be wrong. His response after losing his little kitty mind and plunging into spicy cheesetopia was MORE CHEESE please. He is quite fluffy and his baby chin was orange with nacho-y goodness.
Bad Mr. Naughtypants.
Mr. Naughtypants would like to remind everyone on the internets that he is still starving and neglected. I am mean, and will not share my toast. You might think he would still be recovering from diving face first into my bowl of nacho cheese dip last night, but you would be wrong. His response after losing his little kitty mind and plunging into spicy cheesetopia was MORE CHEESE please. He is quite fluffy and his baby chin was orange with nacho-y goodness.
Bad Mr. Naughtypants.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
How I got here, continued.
One day I wanted some coffee. There is a lot of debate on how much if any caffeine is ok when TTC (Breeders that means trying to conceive) and I wanted a cup. A big, big cup of coffee. Decaf sucks. Anyhow, I figured since I had a test in the cabinet I would just pee on it to be safe and then enjoy some guilt free coffee.
Except, it was not negative. It was POSITIVE. Holy...Moly. What? No WAY! Way? I wanted to believe it, but I could not. Not when I had seen nothing but negatives. Surely I would have known I was pregnant, or felt pregnant or I don't know had some mystical connection telling me I Was Not Alone. In the shower that morning I tentatively put my hand over my belly and said my first hello.
Anyway, I was beside myself. I decided to retest later that day and if it was positive I would tell Mr. Mostly Darling. After work I went to Babies R Us and bought a bib that said I Love My Daddy. Then I went to Walgreens and picked up another test. Then I went home and drank A LOT of water.
I was just about out of my mind with excitement, let me tell you. I peed on another stick and there it was a glorious word. The word "pregnant", I had seen it coupled with "not" many, many times and actually had covered the word "not" up with my finger a few times to daydream.
I brought out the bib and the test. My husband was at the table and I put the test and the bib down in front of him. He looked at it. He looked at me. Then he said "Does this have your PEE on it" It totally did have a little pee on it, what can I say? I was excited. So I told him "No Of course not, that is WATER." Then he hugged me and we cried some. Of course, most of the memory is blurred, except the part where he asks me if I have in fact placed something with my pee on it in front of him.
We had some sex. It was magical. I swear it was. The next day I cuddled my secret to myself and spent hours online trying to figure out how far along I was. I made an appointment with an OB and asked if there was anything special I needed to do. They said no, as long as I was taking my prenatal. Which I had been for a whole year.
Most of this time was a blur for me. I cannot quite remember how long I had to enjoy this. Maybe a few days? Maybe a week? I have blocked it out. I do recall exactly when I knew something was very, very wrong. Mr. Mostly and I were having sex and suddenly there was quite a bit of blood. Red, red, blood. Which made me hysterical. I called the doctor and they said some spotting is normal. The bleeding subsided somewhat and a day or two later I went to the ob for my first appointment.
Who said my cervix was still closed. I then questioned her from a list I had copied off the internet. "Questions to ask your OB". I would have been better off asking "hey are you going to act like you have a soul when I have a miscarriage or are you going to scar me for life?"
Except, it was not negative. It was POSITIVE. Holy...Moly. What? No WAY! Way? I wanted to believe it, but I could not. Not when I had seen nothing but negatives. Surely I would have known I was pregnant, or felt pregnant or I don't know had some mystical connection telling me I Was Not Alone. In the shower that morning I tentatively put my hand over my belly and said my first hello.
Anyway, I was beside myself. I decided to retest later that day and if it was positive I would tell Mr. Mostly Darling. After work I went to Babies R Us and bought a bib that said I Love My Daddy. Then I went to Walgreens and picked up another test. Then I went home and drank A LOT of water.
I was just about out of my mind with excitement, let me tell you. I peed on another stick and there it was a glorious word. The word "pregnant", I had seen it coupled with "not" many, many times and actually had covered the word "not" up with my finger a few times to daydream.
I brought out the bib and the test. My husband was at the table and I put the test and the bib down in front of him. He looked at it. He looked at me. Then he said "Does this have your PEE on it" It totally did have a little pee on it, what can I say? I was excited. So I told him "No Of course not, that is WATER." Then he hugged me and we cried some. Of course, most of the memory is blurred, except the part where he asks me if I have in fact placed something with my pee on it in front of him.
We had some sex. It was magical. I swear it was. The next day I cuddled my secret to myself and spent hours online trying to figure out how far along I was. I made an appointment with an OB and asked if there was anything special I needed to do. They said no, as long as I was taking my prenatal. Which I had been for a whole year.
Most of this time was a blur for me. I cannot quite remember how long I had to enjoy this. Maybe a few days? Maybe a week? I have blocked it out. I do recall exactly when I knew something was very, very wrong. Mr. Mostly and I were having sex and suddenly there was quite a bit of blood. Red, red, blood. Which made me hysterical. I called the doctor and they said some spotting is normal. The bleeding subsided somewhat and a day or two later I went to the ob for my first appointment.
Who said my cervix was still closed. I then questioned her from a list I had copied off the internet. "Questions to ask your OB". I would have been better off asking "hey are you going to act like you have a soul when I have a miscarriage or are you going to scar me for life?"
CD 6
The phone just rang. It was the RE's office calling to confirm our appointment for Friday morning. Like I could possibly forget. I am probably going to wake up at 5 am to get ready. I cannot freaking stand it. COME ON FRIDAY! AF is almost gone and that means it is almost time to break out the Barry White.
So today I am going to talk about sex. Not freaky, single person OMG Mr.Naughtypants our Maine Coon kitten just launched himself from the couch to the side table to the floor slopping my delicious coffee EVERYWHERE sigh, anyway not freaky, brag to your buddies sex. Baby making sex.
There is a difference my friends. In olden days, before our nearly three year Odyssey of the Egg sex was fun. It was frequent. It was When We Felt Like It. Now Mr. Naughtypants is trying to convince me that he is starving and neglected and can only be revived by some whole grain toast with soy butter. He is a persistent little bugger. Last night he told me he was Italian and needed some pasta. Anyhow, where was I? Right... sex. We had a very nice, normal, and private sex life.
Maybe twice a day, maybe two days in a row, maybe we skipped for a few days because we were tired or worked funky hours. Whatever, it was normal. Although, now that I have been around the internet somewhat I suppose normal might not describe it. Maybe vanilla? Anyway it was sex and a part of our lives we went ahead with and enjoyed without over thinking or in fact discussing with other people. BECAUSE SOME THINGS USED TO BE PRIVATE.
Now we have babymaking sex. It is not the same. Slowly sex changed from making love to something different. It was still sex, it was still two people that loved each other, but it had changed. Every other day from the day my period ends till our last possible fertile day we Do It. Are we tired? We Must Do It. Are we cranky? We Must Do It. Was Mr. Mostly Darling less than darling and I want to have a fight with him but I can't because that is A Night We Have To Do It?
Maybe there is a good movie on tv? Too bad, gotta Do It.
Plus, I track when we Do It. There is a spot on my Fertility Planner (duh doesn't everyone track their sex lives on a planner?) and the days we Do It, I write BD for babydance. Because sometimes I need to take my fertility planner with me and I don't want it to fall open at work and share with the group.
Most of the time I am the one that initiates sex. Not because Mr. Mostly Darling is uninterested in me but because Mr. Mostly Darling is always interested in the morning and I hate morning sex. Yuck. Get away from me I have morning hair/breath/somehow my legs of smoothness got wildebeasty in the night/have to go to the bathroom. Plus, I have PCOS. I am chubby(ok FAT fine be that way) and have some less attractive symptoms I want The Dark. I know he thinks I am beautiful, however in the morning I have thoughts like "eye boogers? NOSE boogers? Random chin hair of badness? Where is the mirror? Where is my friend The Dark?" So anyhow, I prefer bedtime. I have never been one of those caught in the moment people.
I try to be very, very careful about sex. In that I try and shield Mr. Mostly from my crafty planning. I try to make it seem natural, or at least as natural as I can when we are on a schedule.
Making love to try and have a baby can be joyous. It can be spontaneous. It can be fun. But generally not when you have been trying month after month after month. You Do It in the sacred missionary position. You elevate your hips afterward. You (or at least me, maybe you are not as crazy as me yet) pray before and afterward that this is the time it worked. You monitor every single twinge and possible symptom, and your CM. (Poor Breeders this is cervical mucus and I look at mine all the time. Good cervical mucus looks like egg white)
From the first time that month that you Do It till the end of the 2WW( Breeders that is the two week wait from the time you ovulate to the time you could get a result on your pregnancy test)I get whipped into a froth of excitement. This is the month. I know it. Our lucky month. 9 months from now we will have a baby. I think about the best way to tell my family. Maybe those custom MnM's? Maybe a picture frame with the ultrasound inside? Maybe a t-shirt that says Worlds Greatest Auntie? Ohh I have spent A Lot of time thinking about this.
After days and days of trying to catch the egg, we are both ready for a break. We sleep the sleep of people who have Tried Their best for a few days and maybe a week later return to somewhat of our normal sex life. This part can last anywhere from 2 weeks to 2 months because my period is an elusive SOB. I have mixed feelings about this time. The nice part is that the feeling of pressure to Do It and get pregnant is behind us. The not nice part is that we are wasting time. Time is not something I have in abundance. No matter what people want to say or think about women over 35 having babies it is undeniably harder and more dangerous. My last cycle was 70 damn days. A normal woman would have had two cycles in that time.
I can say with 100% certainty that Mr. Mostly Darling would hate that I am discussing our sex life, but he will have to content himself with the fact that he is shielded and that I am not using his real name, Mr. Constantly Late for Parties.
So today I am going to talk about sex. Not freaky, single person OMG Mr.Naughtypants our Maine Coon kitten just launched himself from the couch to the side table to the floor slopping my delicious coffee EVERYWHERE sigh, anyway not freaky, brag to your buddies sex. Baby making sex.
There is a difference my friends. In olden days, before our nearly three year Odyssey of the Egg sex was fun. It was frequent. It was When We Felt Like It. Now Mr. Naughtypants is trying to convince me that he is starving and neglected and can only be revived by some whole grain toast with soy butter. He is a persistent little bugger. Last night he told me he was Italian and needed some pasta. Anyhow, where was I? Right... sex. We had a very nice, normal, and private sex life.
Maybe twice a day, maybe two days in a row, maybe we skipped for a few days because we were tired or worked funky hours. Whatever, it was normal. Although, now that I have been around the internet somewhat I suppose normal might not describe it. Maybe vanilla? Anyway it was sex and a part of our lives we went ahead with and enjoyed without over thinking or in fact discussing with other people. BECAUSE SOME THINGS USED TO BE PRIVATE.
Now we have babymaking sex. It is not the same. Slowly sex changed from making love to something different. It was still sex, it was still two people that loved each other, but it had changed. Every other day from the day my period ends till our last possible fertile day we Do It. Are we tired? We Must Do It. Are we cranky? We Must Do It. Was Mr. Mostly Darling less than darling and I want to have a fight with him but I can't because that is A Night We Have To Do It?
Maybe there is a good movie on tv? Too bad, gotta Do It.
Plus, I track when we Do It. There is a spot on my Fertility Planner (duh doesn't everyone track their sex lives on a planner?) and the days we Do It, I write BD for babydance. Because sometimes I need to take my fertility planner with me and I don't want it to fall open at work and share with the group.
Most of the time I am the one that initiates sex. Not because Mr. Mostly Darling is uninterested in me but because Mr. Mostly Darling is always interested in the morning and I hate morning sex. Yuck. Get away from me I have morning hair/breath/somehow my legs of smoothness got wildebeasty in the night/have to go to the bathroom. Plus, I have PCOS. I am chubby(ok FAT fine be that way) and have some less attractive symptoms I want The Dark. I know he thinks I am beautiful, however in the morning I have thoughts like "eye boogers? NOSE boogers? Random chin hair of badness? Where is the mirror? Where is my friend The Dark?" So anyhow, I prefer bedtime. I have never been one of those caught in the moment people.
I try to be very, very careful about sex. In that I try and shield Mr. Mostly from my crafty planning. I try to make it seem natural, or at least as natural as I can when we are on a schedule.
Making love to try and have a baby can be joyous. It can be spontaneous. It can be fun. But generally not when you have been trying month after month after month. You Do It in the sacred missionary position. You elevate your hips afterward. You (or at least me, maybe you are not as crazy as me yet) pray before and afterward that this is the time it worked. You monitor every single twinge and possible symptom, and your CM. (Poor Breeders this is cervical mucus and I look at mine all the time. Good cervical mucus looks like egg white)
From the first time that month that you Do It till the end of the 2WW( Breeders that is the two week wait from the time you ovulate to the time you could get a result on your pregnancy test)I get whipped into a froth of excitement. This is the month. I know it. Our lucky month. 9 months from now we will have a baby. I think about the best way to tell my family. Maybe those custom MnM's? Maybe a picture frame with the ultrasound inside? Maybe a t-shirt that says Worlds Greatest Auntie? Ohh I have spent A Lot of time thinking about this.
After days and days of trying to catch the egg, we are both ready for a break. We sleep the sleep of people who have Tried Their best for a few days and maybe a week later return to somewhat of our normal sex life. This part can last anywhere from 2 weeks to 2 months because my period is an elusive SOB. I have mixed feelings about this time. The nice part is that the feeling of pressure to Do It and get pregnant is behind us. The not nice part is that we are wasting time. Time is not something I have in abundance. No matter what people want to say or think about women over 35 having babies it is undeniably harder and more dangerous. My last cycle was 70 damn days. A normal woman would have had two cycles in that time.
I can say with 100% certainty that Mr. Mostly Darling would hate that I am discussing our sex life, but he will have to content himself with the fact that he is shielded and that I am not using his real name, Mr. Constantly Late for Parties.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
CD 5
Today is CD 5. Only three more days till our big meeting! If you can't tell I am excited. Or scared. One of those. I have been having some pain today in my ovaries. Who knows what that means. Maybe something, maybe nothing.
What are they going to say? I reallyreally want to know what they are going to do. Clomid? Glucophage? More testing? My therapist told me I could opt to go straight to in vitro if I wanted. I do not want to do that. I would like to try something less scary first.
How I got here, continued:
Mr. Mostly and I began dating, as it became more serious I knew Mr. Mostly would probably be very uncomfortable with me getting artificially inseminated and going head with The Plan. As it got more serious we discussed when children would be good for both of us. Of course I was ready then, but he was not. He wanted to wait five years. He also wanted to be married.
I did not want to get married. I wanted to be married, but the getting married part-yuck. By that time I had been in three weddings and I hate them. They cost too much and since this is an anonymous blog I will say that I have NEVER had a good time at one. I have had a good time at every rehearsal dinner. After jumping through hoops for each bride, I was sick of weddings- that is not correct. WEDDINGS ARE LOVELY, RECEPTIONS SUCK. I will say my best friend had the nicest wedding, and it was quite lovely but I was still bored at the reception. I would like to state that my best friend was not a Beastly Bride,she was her normal funny, lovely kind self. The other brides....ummmm look! A butterfly!
So Mr. Mostly Darling did not want to have children for five years. I wanted them right away. We compromised on three years.
Three years later.... we are engaged, we have health insurance, we have an extra bedroom, we have very little debt, we have sedans, we have extra money, we have discussed all the major things couples discuss, we are ready. I go to my doctor, and she gives me a prenatal and The Wheel and tells me merrily that she will see me in a few months.
After a month of vitamins my husband and I decide to go for it. Yikes! And then nothing. And more nothing. And more nothing. 12 months of nothing. We have lots of awesome newlywed sex. I watch a show that says we are probably having too much sex and that it is better to do it every other day so the man can build up enough sperm. Well, I think maybe that is the trouble. We start our every other day-ing. Little do I suspect this is the first step on the road to crazytown. I know that if you can not get pregnant after 12 months, that means trouble.
What are they going to say? I reallyreally want to know what they are going to do. Clomid? Glucophage? More testing? My therapist told me I could opt to go straight to in vitro if I wanted. I do not want to do that. I would like to try something less scary first.
How I got here, continued:
Mr. Mostly and I began dating, as it became more serious I knew Mr. Mostly would probably be very uncomfortable with me getting artificially inseminated and going head with The Plan. As it got more serious we discussed when children would be good for both of us. Of course I was ready then, but he was not. He wanted to wait five years. He also wanted to be married.
I did not want to get married. I wanted to be married, but the getting married part-yuck. By that time I had been in three weddings and I hate them. They cost too much and since this is an anonymous blog I will say that I have NEVER had a good time at one. I have had a good time at every rehearsal dinner. After jumping through hoops for each bride, I was sick of weddings- that is not correct. WEDDINGS ARE LOVELY, RECEPTIONS SUCK. I will say my best friend had the nicest wedding, and it was quite lovely but I was still bored at the reception. I would like to state that my best friend was not a Beastly Bride,she was her normal funny, lovely kind self. The other brides....ummmm look! A butterfly!
So Mr. Mostly Darling did not want to have children for five years. I wanted them right away. We compromised on three years.
Three years later.... we are engaged, we have health insurance, we have an extra bedroom, we have very little debt, we have sedans, we have extra money, we have discussed all the major things couples discuss, we are ready. I go to my doctor, and she gives me a prenatal and The Wheel and tells me merrily that she will see me in a few months.
After a month of vitamins my husband and I decide to go for it. Yikes! And then nothing. And more nothing. And more nothing. 12 months of nothing. We have lots of awesome newlywed sex. I watch a show that says we are probably having too much sex and that it is better to do it every other day so the man can build up enough sperm. Well, I think maybe that is the trouble. We start our every other day-ing. Little do I suspect this is the first step on the road to crazytown. I know that if you can not get pregnant after 12 months, that means trouble.
Monday, October 20, 2008
CD 4
Here is is CD 4. I am practically jumping up and down with excitement for the 24th. Four more days! Hurry up! There is nothing I can do till then. I have been thinking about trying to explain how I have gotten to this point. It is a long story, after all we have been trying for 2 years and 8 months. Infertility is defined as a failure to become pregnant after a year of unprotected sex.
I remember realizing I wanted to have a baby. It was like my biological clock went * CLANG*. I waited a while, but the feeling persisted. I called my best friend and told her. Because I worked in daycare for 7 years and nothing cures you of baby yearning like caring for someone else's child. For every 100 splendid, charming, adorable, precious children- there is a child so awful you might consider digging your ovaries out with a spoon. It was maybe 3 years after I last worked in daycare that I began to dream of having children. I guess it took that long to forget what it is like to be in a room full of two year olds for 8 hours.
Don't anybody get huffy with me and tell me there are no awful children. I am willing to bet that if that is your opinion,then it is your kids that are probably making people consider just sticking with their dog. So fine, there are no awful children just awful parents. EITHER WAY, some of them are not the best advertisement for reproduction. I took care of some offspring of very bad parents- if that is how you would like to phrase it.
Anyhow, when I realized I did in fact want to have children I was single, and had a pile of debt from college. I started planning. I found a job that was secure, with good benefits and near 24 hour day care( I have always worked shift work), I bought a family friendly car and began paying off all my debt.
I figured I would be a single parent. I worked my butt off so I would be in a position where I could (kind of- does anyone think they have enough money?)afford it.
I set my goal for two years from then. That was in 2001. So I wanted a baby in 2003 or 2004.
Then the unexpected happened- I met someone. Someone Mostly Darling. In 2002.
Well, I did not know what in the heck to do. THIS MAN WAS NOT IN MY PLAN.
When we first met, but were not dating -somehow, he asked me what I was planning on doing the next year. I told him that actually I had been planning to get pregnant on my own. I figured I would tell him, because at that time that was my plan. We were friends at that point. I was interested in him, but I was FOCUSED ON MY PLAN. My plan surely to hell did not include dating someone five years younger than me and just out of college. Someone most surely not interested in having a baby.
I was about to buy a condo which I planned on selling after I had a baby and then taking some of the money and using that for the baby and renting an apartment for us to live in after it was born. This would TOTALLY have worked, it was before the housing market crashed and I doubled my money on that condo.
I have to go make dinner. I am roasting an organic chicken with thyme and oranges for Mr. Mostly Darling. I will continue tomorrow. Or later- whatever I think Mr. Mostly is watching the Phillies tonight. Or the Eagles. Whichever- he will be all shouty at the teevee and not interested in conversation.
I remember realizing I wanted to have a baby. It was like my biological clock went * CLANG*. I waited a while, but the feeling persisted. I called my best friend and told her. Because I worked in daycare for 7 years and nothing cures you of baby yearning like caring for someone else's child. For every 100 splendid, charming, adorable, precious children- there is a child so awful you might consider digging your ovaries out with a spoon. It was maybe 3 years after I last worked in daycare that I began to dream of having children. I guess it took that long to forget what it is like to be in a room full of two year olds for 8 hours.
Don't anybody get huffy with me and tell me there are no awful children. I am willing to bet that if that is your opinion,then it is your kids that are probably making people consider just sticking with their dog. So fine, there are no awful children just awful parents. EITHER WAY, some of them are not the best advertisement for reproduction. I took care of some offspring of very bad parents- if that is how you would like to phrase it.
Anyhow, when I realized I did in fact want to have children I was single, and had a pile of debt from college. I started planning. I found a job that was secure, with good benefits and near 24 hour day care( I have always worked shift work), I bought a family friendly car and began paying off all my debt.
I figured I would be a single parent. I worked my butt off so I would be in a position where I could (kind of- does anyone think they have enough money?)afford it.
I set my goal for two years from then. That was in 2001. So I wanted a baby in 2003 or 2004.
Then the unexpected happened- I met someone. Someone Mostly Darling. In 2002.
Well, I did not know what in the heck to do. THIS MAN WAS NOT IN MY PLAN.
When we first met, but were not dating -somehow, he asked me what I was planning on doing the next year. I told him that actually I had been planning to get pregnant on my own. I figured I would tell him, because at that time that was my plan. We were friends at that point. I was interested in him, but I was FOCUSED ON MY PLAN. My plan surely to hell did not include dating someone five years younger than me and just out of college. Someone most surely not interested in having a baby.
I was about to buy a condo which I planned on selling after I had a baby and then taking some of the money and using that for the baby and renting an apartment for us to live in after it was born. This would TOTALLY have worked, it was before the housing market crashed and I doubled my money on that condo.
I have to go make dinner. I am roasting an organic chicken with thyme and oranges for Mr. Mostly Darling. I will continue tomorrow. Or later- whatever I think Mr. Mostly is watching the Phillies tonight. Or the Eagles. Whichever- he will be all shouty at the teevee and not interested in conversation.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
CD 3 Jealousy
jealousy
noun
- Resentful or painful desire for another's advantages.
I want to address jealousy. When I see a woman with a baby, I don't want to be her. I don't want her baby. I want my own. The thing that bothers me, nags at me, grates at me is the constant reminder of what I do not have.
I would like to shop, or go out to eat, or watch tv, or go to a family party without having to think about my infertility. But babies and pregnant women are everydamnwhere. They advertise everything.
Being infertile has given me things,I would not have had otherwise. Patience, an appreciation for the miracle of conception. The flat out miracle of a sperm and an egg meeting up and every single thing going right for 9 months.
It forces you to choose. You have to choose to try, to plan, to question what is wrong with your body and demand answers. It would be much easier to give up. Becoming pregnant is a journey, a marathon, an immense undertaking that involves pills, poking, testing, changing your diet, scheduling your sex, seeing specialist after specialist, spending and spending and then yep spending. You have to really want this. You have to be able to take months, and usually years of disappointment.
You have to deal with Breeders asking ignorant questions. DO NOT GET ME STARTED ON IGNORANT QUESTIONS. I will save that post for a holiday, when I know I will be venty. Or venty-er.
Incredibly sometimes I just want to buy my damn book or watch a tv show or go to a party without dwelling on this. So sometimes I avoid places I know will be chock full o' children. Sometimes I just want to hide from it.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
CD 2 part deux
I forgot. I also have to schedule a whole new test sometime after Halloween. It's called a post coital test. which is polite doctor speak for my mostly darling husband and I have to do it and then with no shower or cleaning or anything... I have to go and let them take a peek at The Area Formerly Known As My Private Place.
I should start a guest book or something for all the people that visit my no longer private place.
If there is anything more embarrassing then this, I do not want to know about it. They are going to swab around and see if I have hostile mucus. Yum. I suppose if I do, then I have to get anger management classes for my cervix. I had to sit across from the doctor while he is telling me that I am going to have to BD(Breeders don't forget that means babydance- a very nice way to say DO IT) blech.
Maybe years from now this will all be a faint memory. Probably not. Probably I will remember till my dying day the time that I had to drive half an hour , sweaty and umm etc. to be swabbed by people I then thank and pay money to.
Where is that chocolate I put aside for the trick or treaters? I will be under the bed pretending this is not happening. Nope, lalalalala noooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
I should start a guest book or something for all the people that visit my no longer private place.
If there is anything more embarrassing then this, I do not want to know about it. They are going to swab around and see if I have hostile mucus. Yum. I suppose if I do, then I have to get anger management classes for my cervix. I had to sit across from the doctor while he is telling me that I am going to have to BD(Breeders don't forget that means babydance- a very nice way to say DO IT) blech.
Maybe years from now this will all be a faint memory. Probably not. Probably I will remember till my dying day the time that I had to drive half an hour , sweaty and umm etc. to be swabbed by people I then thank and pay money to.
Where is that chocolate I put aside for the trick or treaters? I will be under the bed pretending this is not happening. Nope, lalalalala noooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
CD 2
Well I just got home from my Saturday errands. An ultrasound and two different grocery stores.
I am ready for lunch and a shower. Or maybe a shower and then lunch. One of those.
I got up and had whole wheat toast with soy butter and coffee Yes, my RE lets me have coffee and yes I did want to tongue kiss him when he gave me the ok.
So I got dressed, I picked my lightest pants and a very thin sweater. I want every oz to count when they weigh me. I am fat enough, I am not adding two pounds of sweater.
Then I had to get half naked and wait for the very nice woman that has to get all up in my leaking ladybits. Did I mention she should be paid 20 skillion dollars? Anyhow, I was very uncomfortable.
Basically our entire lives as women we are told not to have bodily functions. Breast feed under a towel, even though that is what breasts are for. Don't burp, don't poop, don't fart. If my mostly darling husband is reading this, I am just using an example. You know I never do that. It is always the cat.
Anyhow, where I am going with this is that a woman is coming down the hall with a co-worker and they are going to be probing my own personal vagina while STUFF is coming out. No one is supposed to even KNOW you have your period. That is why things are called feminine products and wrapped in discrete little packages.
Normal women do not sit in The Blue Room with a nice picture of the Long Island Sound on the wall, waiting for the Wand of Badness. Normal women get to make love in their own bed or car-or chair -whatever. I am coming back to add something. For a moment while I was waiting I did almost start to cry. Which is not something I am comfortable saying. However if my point is to let other women know what to expect than I would be failing if I glossed over something because it made me feel uncool. So the truth is that I sat there half naked and wanting to cry because I had to do this. I got a hold of myself before anyone saw. Breeders, if you are tempted to say "Wait till you get pregnant and the baby comes OUT, everyone is there and blah blah blah ", well I would like to invite you to kiss my fat ass. Knowing you are going through birth with the end result being a baby is totally different from getting probed around by strangers who know the reason you are there is because you are trying and FAILING. I would equate it to climbing a mountain and getting to stick a flag on top with a super view and having your picture on National Geographic as opposed to climbing almost to the top, getting stopped by a freak ice storm, and leaving with zero fanfare or any reward except frostbite and "a fine opportunity for personal growth".
So they come in. I smile and say "welcome to the second most embarrassing day of my life".
Then the nice lady and I agree it will all be worth it to have a baby. I lay back and make chit chat while they squirt lube on the Wand of Badness and put a condom on it. The nice lady with her hand in what used to be my private area but is now more like a conference room, tells me it will be a little uncomfortable. It is not, because thank God she is great at her job.
Then I say, you know I think this is maybe my 8th transvaginal. Feeling I don't know experienced or cultured or something. She says "wait till they really start monitoring you- you won't even remember how many you've had."
sigh.
I change tactics and try pumping her for information. " Sooo (I say casually like her hand is not You Know Where ) how does it look in there?"
"About the same" I swear to God if I am ever crowned Queen of the Universe all doctors will have to say exactly what they see right away and we will all pinky swear not to be jerks and sue if they are wrong sometimes. BECAUSE WAITING SUCKS
Then she is done, and I wipe off lalalalalalalalala stuff and get dressed. I meet up with a new doctor who is their specialist in early pregnancy loss. I want him to Love Me and be my best friend. He was nice and said I had less cysts than last time. Which makes me picture whack-a-mole. There they are! Now they are gone! Nope! They're back!
He also says while I am not diabetic, that I need some*I actually forget this part maybe because there is what feels like a gallon of lube leaking out of me* some kind of medication I will find out more about next week.
I am speculating metformin or glucophage.
I get some more blood drawn. I really REALLY look like I have a heroin habit by now. This is the tenth time in 8 days I have had blood drawn. She looked at my arms and said "Who did that to you?"
Well, a place I will call StabMore did my 3 hour glucose test and did it wrong the first time so I had to go back the next day and do it again. We heart StabMore.
Then I made my appointment for my CD 15 ultrasound and that is on Halloween. Let the good times roll.
So now I am eating a whole box of Kraft mac n cheese.
I am ready for lunch and a shower. Or maybe a shower and then lunch. One of those.
I got up and had whole wheat toast with soy butter and coffee Yes, my RE lets me have coffee and yes I did want to tongue kiss him when he gave me the ok.
So I got dressed, I picked my lightest pants and a very thin sweater. I want every oz to count when they weigh me. I am fat enough, I am not adding two pounds of sweater.
Then I had to get half naked and wait for the very nice woman that has to get all up in my leaking ladybits. Did I mention she should be paid 20 skillion dollars? Anyhow, I was very uncomfortable.
Basically our entire lives as women we are told not to have bodily functions. Breast feed under a towel, even though that is what breasts are for. Don't burp, don't poop, don't fart. If my mostly darling husband is reading this, I am just using an example. You know I never do that. It is always the cat.
Anyhow, where I am going with this is that a woman is coming down the hall with a co-worker and they are going to be probing my own personal vagina while STUFF is coming out. No one is supposed to even KNOW you have your period. That is why things are called feminine products and wrapped in discrete little packages.
Normal women do not sit in The Blue Room with a nice picture of the Long Island Sound on the wall, waiting for the Wand of Badness. Normal women get to make love in their own bed or car-or chair -whatever. I am coming back to add something. For a moment while I was waiting I did almost start to cry. Which is not something I am comfortable saying. However if my point is to let other women know what to expect than I would be failing if I glossed over something because it made me feel uncool. So the truth is that I sat there half naked and wanting to cry because I had to do this. I got a hold of myself before anyone saw. Breeders, if you are tempted to say "Wait till you get pregnant and the baby comes OUT, everyone is there and blah blah blah ", well I would like to invite you to kiss my fat ass. Knowing you are going through birth with the end result being a baby is totally different from getting probed around by strangers who know the reason you are there is because you are trying and FAILING. I would equate it to climbing a mountain and getting to stick a flag on top with a super view and having your picture on National Geographic as opposed to climbing almost to the top, getting stopped by a freak ice storm, and leaving with zero fanfare or any reward except frostbite and "a fine opportunity for personal growth".
So they come in. I smile and say "welcome to the second most embarrassing day of my life".
Then the nice lady and I agree it will all be worth it to have a baby. I lay back and make chit chat while they squirt lube on the Wand of Badness and put a condom on it. The nice lady with her hand in what used to be my private area but is now more like a conference room, tells me it will be a little uncomfortable. It is not, because thank God she is great at her job.
Then I say, you know I think this is maybe my 8th transvaginal. Feeling I don't know experienced or cultured or something. She says "wait till they really start monitoring you- you won't even remember how many you've had."
sigh.
I change tactics and try pumping her for information. " Sooo (I say casually like her hand is not You Know Where ) how does it look in there?"
"About the same" I swear to God if I am ever crowned Queen of the Universe all doctors will have to say exactly what they see right away and we will all pinky swear not to be jerks and sue if they are wrong sometimes. BECAUSE WAITING SUCKS
Then she is done, and I wipe off lalalalalalalalala stuff and get dressed. I meet up with a new doctor who is their specialist in early pregnancy loss. I want him to Love Me and be my best friend. He was nice and said I had less cysts than last time. Which makes me picture whack-a-mole. There they are! Now they are gone! Nope! They're back!
He also says while I am not diabetic, that I need some*I actually forget this part maybe because there is what feels like a gallon of lube leaking out of me* some kind of medication I will find out more about next week.
I am speculating metformin or glucophage.
I get some more blood drawn. I really REALLY look like I have a heroin habit by now. This is the tenth time in 8 days I have had blood drawn. She looked at my arms and said "Who did that to you?"
Well, a place I will call StabMore did my 3 hour glucose test and did it wrong the first time so I had to go back the next day and do it again. We heart StabMore.
Then I made my appointment for my CD 15 ultrasound and that is on Halloween. Let the good times roll.
So now I am eating a whole box of Kraft mac n cheese.
Friday, October 17, 2008
CD 1
Yay! I have an appointment for an ultrasound tomorrow at 9 am. Yippee!
Our big consultation is in seven days, I am so relieved. Hooray!
All I want is for the 24th to get here, so we can find out what they are going to do to us. The practice we go to believes in treating and testing you as a couple, and you do not get any test results until everything is finished.
So we have had who knows how many tests but no results. I understand why they want to see everything before giving us information but it is still enough to make you crazy. I am especially anxious to see the results of our genetic testing.
The genetic testing scared the crap out of me. My mostly darling husband is French Canadian and I am a mix of Irish and Jewish. That makes us both potential carriers for Tay-Sachs disease. If one of us is a carrier, we are ok. If both of us are carriers then we have a one in four chance of any child we conceive having the disease.
I spent a few days reading everything I could find about Tay- Sachs and we will probably stop trying if we both test positive.
I would hope that if we had both tested positive for a genetic disease that they would have told us right away, but knows?
Our big consultation is in seven days, I am so relieved. Hooray!
All I want is for the 24th to get here, so we can find out what they are going to do to us. The practice we go to believes in treating and testing you as a couple, and you do not get any test results until everything is finished.
So we have had who knows how many tests but no results. I understand why they want to see everything before giving us information but it is still enough to make you crazy. I am especially anxious to see the results of our genetic testing.
The genetic testing scared the crap out of me. My mostly darling husband is French Canadian and I am a mix of Irish and Jewish. That makes us both potential carriers for Tay-Sachs disease. If one of us is a carrier, we are ok. If both of us are carriers then we have a one in four chance of any child we conceive having the disease.
I spent a few days reading everything I could find about Tay- Sachs and we will probably stop trying if we both test positive.
I would hope that if we had both tested positive for a genetic disease that they would have told us right away, but knows?
Thursday, October 16, 2008
later in the day
well I thought I would do one post a day, but today there will be two.
Why? Because I am torn. Is my period here? Sort of. Is it here enough? Not really. The thing is, we only get a certain amount of chances with the RE, so something like is my period really here actually matters.
If today is CD 1(Breeders that is cycle day 1, your first day of heavy flow. Didn't want to know that? Well, me neither.) then I have to call the RE and make an appointment. If it is not, then I have to wait more, possibly missing my chance this month entirely. I don't have a lot of months people, I am going to be 34 in less than a week.
Well Breeders I am sure that you are thinking "Stupid girl why did you wait so long?" Breeders, it is not like I waited ON PURPOSE. I should probably tell you now that I am an ALL CAPS kinda girl. I am practically deep throating fertility gods trying to get pregnant.
So I compromised, after my third trip today to the bathroom to try and decide if AF is flowy enough I gave up and called the RE. After all, that is his job right? Right? Sort of. Getting pregnant when you are infertile involves so much group activity I think I qualify as a swinger.
The pharmacist fill my prescriptions for superduper pre-natals. No cheapo OTC vitamins for MY empty uterus. Then I get progesterone to try and get things moving.
I get blood work- different kinds depending on what they are looking for. I am hoping most of the bloodwork is behind me. Currently I look like a junkie. I had 9 different blood draws involving nine separate needles in two days last week. I look glorious.
I have to call the office and tell the receptionist I have (maybe?) my period. I have to schedule an appointment with the Wand Of Badness, and the poor woman who wields it and must probe my ladybits while I am in the middle of AF. Ick. I hope she gets paid at least a bajillion dollars an hour. She told me she does not mind this, but I am pretty sure no one gets out of bed saying "hooray today is the day I get up close with some menstrual fluid"
Then, I have to call work because I need to schedule time off for this.
me "Hi- I have another appointment."
my poor boss"Okay. When?"
me " Monday"
My poor boss has to schedule around my period. good times. Telling your boss about your period is just as much fun as you can imagine.
And that is just for one tiny part of this. There is a whole squadron of people. And all of them know every single sordid detail of my life.
And now it is on the internet. I must really need the therapist.
Why? Because I am torn. Is my period here? Sort of. Is it here enough? Not really. The thing is, we only get a certain amount of chances with the RE, so something like is my period really here actually matters.
If today is CD 1(Breeders that is cycle day 1, your first day of heavy flow. Didn't want to know that? Well, me neither.) then I have to call the RE and make an appointment. If it is not, then I have to wait more, possibly missing my chance this month entirely. I don't have a lot of months people, I am going to be 34 in less than a week.
Well Breeders I am sure that you are thinking "Stupid girl why did you wait so long?" Breeders, it is not like I waited ON PURPOSE. I should probably tell you now that I am an ALL CAPS kinda girl. I am practically deep throating fertility gods trying to get pregnant.
So I compromised, after my third trip today to the bathroom to try and decide if AF is flowy enough I gave up and called the RE. After all, that is his job right? Right? Sort of. Getting pregnant when you are infertile involves so much group activity I think I qualify as a swinger.
The pharmacist fill my prescriptions for superduper pre-natals. No cheapo OTC vitamins for MY empty uterus. Then I get progesterone to try and get things moving.
I get blood work- different kinds depending on what they are looking for. I am hoping most of the bloodwork is behind me. Currently I look like a junkie. I had 9 different blood draws involving nine separate needles in two days last week. I look glorious.
I have to call the office and tell the receptionist I have (maybe?) my period. I have to schedule an appointment with the Wand Of Badness, and the poor woman who wields it and must probe my ladybits while I am in the middle of AF. Ick. I hope she gets paid at least a bajillion dollars an hour. She told me she does not mind this, but I am pretty sure no one gets out of bed saying "hooray today is the day I get up close with some menstrual fluid"
Then, I have to call work because I need to schedule time off for this.
me "Hi- I have another appointment."
my poor boss"Okay. When?"
me " Monday"
My poor boss has to schedule around my period. good times. Telling your boss about your period is just as much fun as you can imagine.
And that is just for one tiny part of this. There is a whole squadron of people. And all of them know every single sordid detail of my life.
And now it is on the internet. I must really need the therapist.
Maybe not
I am waitingwaitingwaiting. I hate my stupid uterus.
I remember the first time my husband and I tried to get pregnant. In school all they do is harp on how easy it is to get pregnant. Hahahahahahah. Maybe if you are 16 with no job and no plans- then it probably is easy. However, when you plan and wait and have the right car and the right place to live and health insurance when you have very little debt and are in a stable and loving relationship... Then my friends it is a whole new kettle of fish. A horse of a different color, etc insert your favorite saying.
My darling husband (well mostly darling) my mostly darling husband and I had been discussing and planning and budgeting for almost three years before we starting trying. I remember going to my doctor and telling her we were ready. She gave me some pre-natal vitamins, some hazy directions and this little wheel. According to The Wheel if we did it on Day X then I would be able to test on Day Y and scroll forward 9 months to see my due date, Day Z.
The first time I took my pre-natal was scary, I was going to try and get pregnant ON PURPOSE. After years of pregnancy striking fear in my heart, we were going to do it intentionally? It was exciting. We were going to do it on purpose with no birth control.
Yikes! I would surely become pregnant instantaneously. After all, I had 4 years of health class and had seen Lifetime movies. Nine months from that very day I would be a Mother. Holy crap!
At this point I would like to say HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH snort. Sorry.
Now for Breeders, I assume that is pretty close to what happens. When they aren't getting pregnant accidentally.
I watched The Wheel- when would it be time to pee on my fancy test?
Well, I do not recall my first BFN (Breeders , that means Big Fat Negative) which is good. Because I have had at least a hundred by now and remembering each one would really suck. If you wonder how I could have over 100 BFNs when we have been trying for three years and 3 x 12 is 36- you must be a Breeder. I assure you all my other infertile readers ( if there are in fact any readers) did not even blink.
However, I do remember the delicious feeling of possibility. I might be pregnant. Right that minute. No martini for me thanks. We Are Trying. I wish I could go back in time and tell my poor self to keep this fact private.
I remember the first time my husband and I tried to get pregnant. In school all they do is harp on how easy it is to get pregnant. Hahahahahahah. Maybe if you are 16 with no job and no plans- then it probably is easy. However, when you plan and wait and have the right car and the right place to live and health insurance when you have very little debt and are in a stable and loving relationship... Then my friends it is a whole new kettle of fish. A horse of a different color, etc insert your favorite saying.
My darling husband (well mostly darling) my mostly darling husband and I had been discussing and planning and budgeting for almost three years before we starting trying. I remember going to my doctor and telling her we were ready. She gave me some pre-natal vitamins, some hazy directions and this little wheel. According to The Wheel if we did it on Day X then I would be able to test on Day Y and scroll forward 9 months to see my due date, Day Z.
The first time I took my pre-natal was scary, I was going to try and get pregnant ON PURPOSE. After years of pregnancy striking fear in my heart, we were going to do it intentionally? It was exciting. We were going to do it on purpose with no birth control.
Yikes! I would surely become pregnant instantaneously. After all, I had 4 years of health class and had seen Lifetime movies. Nine months from that very day I would be a Mother. Holy crap!
At this point I would like to say HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH snort. Sorry.
Now for Breeders, I assume that is pretty close to what happens. When they aren't getting pregnant accidentally.
I watched The Wheel- when would it be time to pee on my fancy test?
Well, I do not recall my first BFN (Breeders , that means Big Fat Negative) which is good. Because I have had at least a hundred by now and remembering each one would really suck. If you wonder how I could have over 100 BFNs when we have been trying for three years and 3 x 12 is 36- you must be a Breeder. I assure you all my other infertile readers ( if there are in fact any readers) did not even blink.
However, I do remember the delicious feeling of possibility. I might be pregnant. Right that minute. No martini for me thanks. We Are Trying. I wish I could go back in time and tell my poor self to keep this fact private.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
maybe
Well, now. Maybe it is finally here. I have to wait and see. Two weeks ago it acted like it was here and then scurried off like a mouse down a hole. Or I suppose a better analogy would be up a hole.
If my cycle has finally started then I have to call my RE( Breeders, that is a reproductive endocrinologist) and then they will set up an appointment (always at 6 a.m.) for three days from now.
Then I will go to the office and a very nice woman will give me yet another trans vag (Breeders this is a trans vaginal ultrasound with this big white thing that looks like something a storm trooper would use to masturbate with). She will take a look at what if anything my ovaries are doing.
The last time I went in it was a false alarm. Even when they did my blood work, they could not quite tell what was going on. Which made me feel conflicted. I felt better that hey, the professionals could not tell either, I felt worse because they look at wonky ovaries all day and mine still puzzled them.
The transvaginal ultrasound hurts nothing but your dignity. If I still had any dignity.
If my cycle has finally started then I have to call my RE( Breeders, that is a reproductive endocrinologist) and then they will set up an appointment (always at 6 a.m.) for three days from now.
Then I will go to the office and a very nice woman will give me yet another trans vag (Breeders this is a trans vaginal ultrasound with this big white thing that looks like something a storm trooper would use to masturbate with). She will take a look at what if anything my ovaries are doing.
The last time I went in it was a false alarm. Even when they did my blood work, they could not quite tell what was going on. Which made me feel conflicted. I felt better that hey, the professionals could not tell either, I felt worse because they look at wonky ovaries all day and mine still puzzled them.
The transvaginal ultrasound hurts nothing but your dignity. If I still had any dignity.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Cycle Day 70
Today is CD 70. Seventy long days of waiting. Waiting for what? AF, Aunt Flo, the crimson tide, my monthly bill, yes folks my menstrual cycle is behind. If you have never heard the terms hostile mucus, BD, S/A, HSG, luteal phase, or PCOS you are most likely a Breeder.
Breeder? Like champion golden retrievers? Nope. Breeder like children. You might not know it but probably every time you leave your house with your bag of raisins and sippy cup some woman somewhere hates you. In fact, sometimes I am that woman.
Don't get me wrong, some of my best friends are breeders. But some days when all I can think of is the empty room in our home, or the names we picked out so long ago they seem like ghosts. Those are the days I hate you.
I hate your crumb filled minivans and the look of frustration you shoot me as your child runs wildly in a circle. You say "God I wish I had some peace and quiet" Really? Because I have a lot of peace and quiet. Some days when there are no errands to fill my time and the house is clean, some days all I hear is the ticking of our living room clock.
After nearly three years of watching Breeders, in a long and lonely quest to become one I thought I would throw this out into the world. Who knows who will read it? Maybe no one. Most likely no one. Maybe someone who has never known the isolation of infertility. Maybe it will help someone who has joined my club.
It's a big club, but not very vocal. No one wants to join and everyone wants to leave as soon as possible. We don't have a cool color, or a wristband. We have old wives tales, shame, bills, and did I mention bills? Scary, scary bills. We don't have a celebrity spokesperson. We don't have t-shirts,bumper stickers or walks for our cure.
My goal with this is to try and leave a map for someone else. Someone who is just starting this long uphill trek. And maybe, maybe I can get through to a few Breeders. After all, my own Mother was one.
Breeder? Like champion golden retrievers? Nope. Breeder like children. You might not know it but probably every time you leave your house with your bag of raisins and sippy cup some woman somewhere hates you. In fact, sometimes I am that woman.
Don't get me wrong, some of my best friends are breeders. But some days when all I can think of is the empty room in our home, or the names we picked out so long ago they seem like ghosts. Those are the days I hate you.
I hate your crumb filled minivans and the look of frustration you shoot me as your child runs wildly in a circle. You say "God I wish I had some peace and quiet" Really? Because I have a lot of peace and quiet. Some days when there are no errands to fill my time and the house is clean, some days all I hear is the ticking of our living room clock.
After nearly three years of watching Breeders, in a long and lonely quest to become one I thought I would throw this out into the world. Who knows who will read it? Maybe no one. Most likely no one. Maybe someone who has never known the isolation of infertility. Maybe it will help someone who has joined my club.
It's a big club, but not very vocal. No one wants to join and everyone wants to leave as soon as possible. We don't have a cool color, or a wristband. We have old wives tales, shame, bills, and did I mention bills? Scary, scary bills. We don't have a celebrity spokesperson. We don't have t-shirts,bumper stickers or walks for our cure.
My goal with this is to try and leave a map for someone else. Someone who is just starting this long uphill trek. And maybe, maybe I can get through to a few Breeders. After all, my own Mother was one.
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