this is mine

This is something very personal and very real to me as it is a part of who I am and a part of how my family has come to be. Some of you may know and some may not, but children do not come easily to us. Besides losing a child this has been one of my greatest challenges in my adult years. I know many of you struggle with infertility and everyone's experience is different. This is mine.

Since I was a young girl I have wanted to be a mom. I wanted to get married right out of high school and start having babies right away. Well, I got married a few years out of high school and after being married for just over two years Brady and I decided to start a family. We tried for about a year with no success, then decided to start thinking about the possibly of infertility. We first saw our family Dr., did various tests, got asked lots of questions, then started taking Clomid and after about six months of that run around were referred to a specialist as nothing was working. More tests, more questions yet still no answers. While working with the specialist we made the decision to try Artificial Insemination. I was devastated at this point wondering if I would ever get the opportunity to be a mom, to carry a child inside and feel it move like I had always dreamed of. I was very very discouraged, to not know if you will ever be able to have a child when you long for one so desperately is a very real, very heavy battle. I felt so helpless. Something I longed for so badly was so completely out of my control.

We did three rounds of IUI (artificial insemination) with no success. The Dr. agreed to one more letting us know that if after four rounds it doesn't take our chances were dim and we would need to move onto the next phase which would be Invitro, which at the time, we did not have money for. So that would not be an option for us. The pressure and longing for a child was at its max at this point. Please God, please make this work.

Our prayers were answered.

What a glorious blessing! Nine months later came our beautiful daughter Quincy. Truly a miracle. We loved that girl with everything we had, feeling so lucky to have conceived and been given the opportunity to experience a pregnancy and parenthood, not knowing if we would ever get that chance again. We soaked up every single minute. We had talked about it on multiple occasions that if she were our only one how grateful we were to have her.

Shortly after Q's first birthday I missed a period. No way I was pregnant. Couldn't be. I don't get pregnant on my own. We weren't even trying. With one cheap pregnancy test and many grateful tears, it was true. I WAS PREGNANT! Again, with thankful hearts we were ecstatic that we would get another opportunity to grow and nurture another child. Truly another miracle.

Five months later Quincy was killed. Our lives forever changed. At this point the gratitude we had for the miracle baby boy inside was inexpressible. To have him already on his way was a greater blessing than I could have ever asked for.

After Q left and Ryder was born all I wanted was a sibling for him. I stopped nursing when he was about eight months and as soon as my cycle started again we began trying for another. Two long years and no baby. You can imagine the heartache we felt as we realized this was not going to happen on its own again.

Back to the family Dr. for Clomid, took a couple rounds and with no success we went right to the specialist. Three more rounds of IUI and still no baby. With losing Quincy I felt the longing for a baby this time was elevated beyond control. I was a complete mess. It's all I could think about all the time. Please God, please send another child. I could not handle the desperation I was feeling. I really had to work hard to stay grateful for my little Ryder and not let the longing for another overshadow him. He was here and he was so wonderful, I prayed that he would be enough. I longed for the gratitude I had felt for Q if she were our only one and worked so hard to feel that same gratitude and completeness with Ryder.

The longing continued to grow and we decided it was time to take the next step. Invitro. I didn't want to accept that we would have to do this to have another child. Not to mention the cost, but the chance it might not work along with the emotion and the process in its entirety. Didn't want to do it. I am a pretty religious girl and this is hard to admit, but I also really struggled with the fact that a Dr. would be creating this process that should happen naturally. It was very hard for me to wrap my head around and accept what we were about to do.

The desire for a child won and there we were at the Fertility Clinic, starting the IVF process. So many shots. So many meds. So many Dr. appointments. So invasive and so unnatural. But truly so amazing. I tried not to think of it as weird and uncomfortable but to learn from it. And I did. I learned so much about my body and the process of creation. It is truly unbelievable and I am now grateful for what I know.

Everything went pretty smoothly but at the end the process was prolonged a few months as the day came to implant the eggs I had the flu. They were frozen for another cycle and as I came back to prepare for the implantation again I had too many cysts on my ovaries. Another months wait. This seemed like ETERNITY! But finally the time came and in they went. Two perfect healthy eggs. Then the wait. >>>Oh the wait<<< During this time I had a lot of spotting and cramping. I was certain that they did not take and was preparing myself for another disappointment.

But again, another miracle. One healthy, tiny little embryo, hanging on for dear life. You could imagine our joy on this day, Once again we are being blessed with another pregnancy. Another child. A SIBLING!!!

In just a few short weeks this baby is going to join our family. I know I have said it a million times, but the gratitude I have to have this opportunity not one but three times is beyond explanation. I feel so blessed to have had the chance to be a mom to three beautiful children. Each of them a miracle and a blessing to me. I cannot wait to meet this child and feel my heart explode once again.