blessings among tragedy

Today is August 7th, marking 3 months since we lost our little angel. It seems like a lifetime. I would love to write a post and say that as time has passed I am doing great and things are wonderful. But they are not. And I am not. I am sad. And I am so tired of being sad all the time, but I am. This trial has been far more painful and heartbreaking than I ever could have imagined. I want so badly to be happy and carefree like I used to be, but I feel like that will never happen again for me. I just don't know how I can truly be one hundred percent happy until I am with my little doll. I know that one day I will feel that joy that I am promised when we are reunited, but until then I feel like I am going to have to create a new happy. I am going to have to learn to find joy in new things. I will always have a sadness, but I hope as time continues the pain will ease more and more and I will feel happiness and joy more and more.

I have a sad heart today as I think about the 7th of May, just 3 short month ago. The time we spent in the hospital with Quincy and the heavy, permanent decisions we were forced to make. The pain and fear and horror. The sadness and the shock. I feel like I was so numb during that time. I feel like I was so much stronger during that time. I feel like I have become so much weaker since then. I have never prayed so hard as I did in that hospital bathroom, on my knees, pleading for my daughters life. From the time we got the phone call to the time we let Q go I was in one giant, constant prayer. And I know the Lord could have saved her, but he didn't. And now, somehow, I have to find peace in that. I have to trust that He needed her more on His side than I do on mine, which is so hard to convince myself of.

As I think about the horrible accident and all the pain from that day, I feel like in the midst of all the turmoil we were surrounded by countless blessings. When I get overwhelmed and sad and think about the details of that day, I try to focus on those blessings.

While in Moab Quincy called Brady and I with Kathy's help and told us she loved us. Kathy said she had been begging all day to call and talk to us. At the time I didn't know that was the last time I would ever talk to her, but what a huge blessing for her to want to call us. I feel like she just wanted to make sure we knew that she loved us.

The timing in the canyon and where we were when we got the call of the accident couldn't have been better. I feel like we were in the exact spot we needed to be. We were planning on taking a jeep ride that morning and coming home later in the evening, but Saturday our friends jeep broke down. If we would have gone on the ride Sunday morning, we would have been in Moab still when we heard about the accident. That would have been a long, frantic, 4 hour drive home. A huge blessing we weren't still in Moab.

Our friends are early birds and since the morning ride wasn't an option anymore they wanted to get up at 6 and come straight home. We talked them into going to breakfast first which stalled us in getting home. If we would have gotten home earlier Brady would have been at the house and would have gotten the page and responded to the accident, which would have been awful. Another blessing.

As we were coming up the canyon, Brady's friend text him and asked where we were and told him there was an accident and that the canyon was closed. We didn't know at the time it was our family, but talked about going up and around Salt Lake because we were anxious to get home and we were supposed to pick up Q. We had decided to go through the canyon and just wait it out and not waste the gas. As 2 ambulances passed us and we saw life flight leave Brady had said that if we could get close enough he would jump out and help since it looked like a bad one. We were stopped about a mile away from the scene, another blessing we weren't any closer than we were.

We got stopped at the Wallsburg turn and I kept getting the feeling to have Brady call his friend and ask if he knew how long the wait would be, I was really anxious to get home to Q. He did, and that's when we found out it was our family in the accident. We were in a place where we don't usually get service. Another blessing the call was even able to go through and that we were close enough to get the the hospital quick.

We were with our good friends, the McPhie's and I am so glad Brady and I weren't driving. When I found out that it was Val and Kathy's car in the accident and Kathy had already passed and Q was in really bad shape I think I went into shock a little. I don't remember anything about driving to the hospital except people yelling at us for going up the wrong side of the road and yelling back "It's our family!!" And the carseat. I vividly remember the carseat on the side of the road next to the mangled, cut apart Altima that was Kathy's. Sickening. To be with Jake and Megan who are so level headed and calm was a HUGE blessing.

The fire chief was just leaving the scene and escorted us to the hospital. Jakesaid he was going 92 as Megan said a prayer. We got to the hospital just as they were loading Q into lifeflight but gave us a quick minute to give her a blessing and kiss and touch her. That brought great peace to me. To see her hooked to those machines was heartbreaking but to be able to give her a quick blessing and let her know that mommy and daddy were there brought great comfort to me.

That the accident was Kathy's fault is actually a blessing to me. I trusted no one more than Kathy with Quincy. I don't know what happened and why she crossed lanes, I will never know, but I have complete confidence that she wasn't being neglegant and that it truly was an accident. I know she loved Quincy more than anything and would have done anything in her power to avoid all of this.

Kassidy. I am so thankful that she is ok. She has a long road ahead of her but her life is such a wonderful blessing. She is a strong little girl.

The fact that I was able to get pregnant again and to have a little boy growing inside my belly, another wonderful blessing. Sometimes I forget to be grateful for him because I long for Quincy so badly and I have so many mixed feelings about him coming. At first I was mad that he was a boy because all I know is girl and everyone tells me how different boys are. I don't want anything different. I want Q. But as time continues I am truly grateful he's a boy and that he will be different. I hope there's enough of Q in him we can be reminded of her, but he is a blessing and we are counting the days until he gets here.

I know there are other things I haven't mentioned, but as I reflect on the whole experience I'm just amazed that we survived it and we are doing as well as we are. I know that we were surrounded by our 3 angels and that they have helped us tremendously. It's hard. Every day is hard. Everything is hard. There isn't one minute that I don't think of Quincy or Kathy or Val. Everything around me reminds me of one of them. I often have a tear in my eye, but I'm learning to smile about the memories and focus on the great things we got to share with all of them and not as much the fact that they aren't here anymore. My sister in law told me something that I have thought about so much lately. She said that sometimes these people, although so important in our lives, are taken back to heaven because they can help us more from that side than they could here. I feel like I need Q here to survive this life, but I have to trust that I need her help from that side more. She will be able to do things now that weren't in her power here on this earth. I have to remember the bigger picture and learn to trust and continue to watch for the blessings. Because we are so blessed.