Bottom line: No
matter who we are, or how old we are, where we live, or what we do, for many, varied reasons, we all have a desire to some extent, to feel beautiful.
First of all, here's the fact I have realized about myself
concerning this matter; I have never, never, ever felt that I am beautiful enough. For as long as I can remember. I've always had issues with my chubby cheeks
and what I feel is an abnormally big head, and my hair that refuses to hold any
style but its crazy wavy/curly do, and my apple-shaped body, and weirdly
muscular calves. All these
"issues" have put a serious damper in my self esteem throughout the
years, and in all honesty, have crippled my ability to accomplish certain goals
in my life. And why, you ask, have I
felt the need to blog about this, and put this confession up on the
internet? It is because recently I've
recognized that this self-professing of a beauty "deficiency" has
affected my faith, my health, my
education, my career, and my friendships and dating relationships... and that's
ridiculous. So, something has got to change. Plus, I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one
whose life has been adversely affected because of their labeling themselves
with a "lack of being pretty".
And the truth is; the truth that at this point I'd like to
get up on my soapbox and shout about; is that while we all want to be beautiful (and
also date and be with "beautiful" people), in reality, NO ONE actually
has a need for beauty.
And on that note, my second realization about this "wanting
to be beautiful', is that the pursuit of
beauty is probably the most
fundamentally absurd and counterproductive pursuit humanly possible. Why have we--throughout the history of the
world, mind you--put so much stock, so much money, and so much time and effort
into making ourselves beautiful? I mean, come on, WHAT DOES THAT EVEN
ACCOMPLISH?? As I've come to these
realizations, throughout the last few months I have come across 2 different
speeches and 1 article that I feel have backed up my thought that the emphasis
we place on beauty is unrealistic, irrational, and detrimental. And you should watch/reach them. Here's the gist of them though;
1. "Beauty can't feed you."
A few months back, the 2013 Best Actress academy award
winner, Lupita Nyong'o gave a speech at the ESSENCE Black Women in Hollywood
luncheon, that completely floored me.
You can watch it
here. In her
speech, this exceptionally gorgeous, Hollywood fashion icon talks about how growing
up she desperately wanted to look different.
She says "I put on the TV and only saw pale skin, I got teased and
taunted about my night-shaded skin. And
my one prayer to God, the miracle worker, was that I would wake up
lighter-skinned." ** And then one
day she discovered the model Alek Wek, and felt vindicated. Lupita says, "A celebrated model, she
was dark as night, she was on all the runways and in every magazine and
everyone was talking about how beautiful she was. Even Oprah called her beautiful and that made
it a fact..." She then says though
of those who had taunted her previously, "to the beholders that I thought it mattered, I was
still unbeautiful. And my mother [would say to me] you can't eat
beauty, it doesn't feed you. And these
words plagued and bothered me; I didn't really understand them until I finally
realized that beauty was not a thing that I could acquire or consume, it was
something that I just had to be. And
what my mother meant when she said you can't eat beauty was that you can't rely
on how you look to sustain you.
What actually sustains us, what is fundamentally beautiful is compassion for yourself
and for those around you. That kind of
beauty enflames the heart and enchants the soul."
Woah. Floored.
2. Our bodies are not
inanimate objects waiting to be admired, or even acted upon, they're able to move,
create, and speak; they are meant to be used as a tool for good.
In
this article in the most recent addition of the LDS
Ensign magazine, the author discusses her years of struggling to be at peace
with her body. Even though she put her
faith in a God that "looked on the heart", she still felt a pressure
to be skinnier. She even
prayed that God would help her on her quest to become thin. ** She eventually grappled with the difference
between making changes to be more healthy, versus making changes to look a
specific way, but ultimately in the article she says she finds the most peace
and satisfaction when her "body becomes a tool to bless the lives of God's
children, and proper maintenance and care of that tool demonstrates [her]
recognition of His noble purposes.
Regardless of your faith or religion, you have to recognize
all that your body can do. And do is an action word. Beauty is not an action. Your face can be picture perfect, but it can
also offer a smile and kind words to others.
Your hands can be flawlessly manicured, but they can also extend to
hold, to assure and to comfort others. And your body can be in tip top shape,
with muscles built up in all the right places, and an impressively low body fat
percentage, but more importantly it can carry heavy loads for people and
walk alongside someone who needs a friend.
**I find it interesting to note that both in this article,
and in Lupita's speech, these women prayed to God that their physical appearance
might be changed; and yet for both of them, that specific struggle with their
physical form ended up being the catalyst with which they were able to connect
to rather large audiences, to offer
poignant insight into the truth about the exquisite worth of each specific
person listening. I definitely do
believe in God; that He is omniscient; He is all-knowing, and He gives us
physical means with which to reach out and touch and uplift the people around us;
as we are each His sons and His daughters.
Alright, so why is it, that if "you can't rely on how you
look to sustain you", and that if our bodies were made to be put to work for
uplifting purposes; that we worry so much about not being beautiful enough??
3. Unnecessary Shame
In Brene Brown's
TED Talk on Vulnerability, she says that
because we fear disconnection or rejection, essentially we feel shame if there is something
that makes us imperfect, and so we withdraw from others to avoid showing our imperfections. And to speak from personal experience, that act of withdrawing only makes us feel less attractive, less wanted, less needed, and less important. And this "shame" is not comparable to feeling guilt that we've done something wrong; it's shame that
we are something wrong. To explain this shame Brene Brown says, "we all know that feeling: ' I'm not blank enough. I'm not thin enough, rich enough, beautiful
enough, smart enough, promoted enough.'" And when we're not enough, then we withdraw from others because we think ourselves unworthy of being loved. That's huge!!! Now, she goes on to explain the findings of her research on this subject, and how we
overcome that feeling of shame by being vulnerable... (it's super awesome, and
you should watch the entire talk), but I would suggest that we can simply omit
the feelings of shame we harbor due to not feeling we're beautiful enough,
because we know that no sustenance comes from beauty. And we can refuse to withdraw, and instead choose to use the gift of our bodies to give compassion and kindness to everyone we
meet!!
Now, real quick, I'm going to make a 180, and also clearly
and strongly state that I fully support the idea that "beauty is in the
eye of the beholder", and I believe you can make the choice to find beauty wherever you might be, and whoever you
might be with. My artistic heart will
never cease to appreciate fashion, or aspire to create colorful compilations of
outfits, and I'll still keep wearing high heels because they make me feel
taller and empowered. Plus, I hope I'll
always continue to be on a quest to be stronger, healthier, and wiser about how
I take care of my body. Not to mention, I will continue for the rest of my life
to acknowledge the "beauties" of the people I love and
appreciate, and to seek out the gorgeousness in the little pieces of the world all around me! Because in all those choices, I find a genuine
beauty that greatly enhances my life.
However, I have definitely learned that the measurement of our
level of beauty does NOT define who we are; WHO WE ARE is in our substance, character, and charity towards
other human beings. So I'm resolving to
LIVE and to BECOME, and desist my relentless seeking after BEING beautiful. I'd like to make a lasting impression on this
life I'm living, and actually make a difference. And therefore acknowledging the fact that physical
beauty can't feed me, or offer support to the people I love, and that seeking after
an unattainable goal will only leave me feeling unnecessary shame and
resentment towards myself; I think I'll aspire to cultivating a beautiful ability for kindness, a beautiful mind, and beautiful soul instead.
To quote Fanny Brice in "Funny Girl",
"You think
beautiful girls are going to stay in style forever? I should say not! Any minute now they're going to be out!
Finished!"
So don't rain on my parade.
