Meatloaf Day

Meatloaf Day is what I call periods of time when I have had pretty much zilch to blog about. Nothing is really going on, good or bad, all the funny things I seem to see are things I've already posted about, etc.

HOWEVER, in a discussion with my partner in crime, Jess, she was talking about how someone read and commented on her blog and that she was writing them an email to thank them. I said, "You are sending them an email to thank them for reading your blog?"

Her response was, "Well, yeah."

My first thought was HEY... then I pointed out to her that she doesn't ever thank me for reading her blog.

Speechlessness abounds in these here parts now. I love it when I can render her with nothing to say. I just knew I had to blog about it.

hehe

Thus ends my post on Meatloaf Day.

I Just Received This...

And thought I would post it. It is an open letter written by the police officer who arrested Dawn Wells a/k/a Mary Ann.

Dear Deb:

Yes it was me. I am the fool who arrested America's fantasy, Mary Ann. But it wasn't my fault! The woman was stoned! It was my job! I had no choice! The world can stop making fun of me now. I realized at the time that arresting Mary Ann would be opening me up to all sorts of backlash, but it had to be done. If it had been any other famous person (Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, etc.), I would have been applauded. As it was I have gotten nothing but grief from anyone who knows, which at the moment, unfortunately, seems to be the entire population of the United States.

Life has been relatively peaceful since it happened in October. Other than a few officers I work with nobody really knew that Mary Ann had been arrested, but when it hit the national news the shit hit the fan. People point at me on the street. My own grandmother has chastised me for picking on Mary Ann. I can't drive down the street in peace now. When I pull someone over for speeding the first thing out of their mouth is, "You're the one who arrested Mary Ann! What the fuck were you thinking you idiot!" They then laugh when I give them their tickets instead of looking chastised and sorry like they are supposed to. I had one guy actually say that he couldn't wait to tell his friends that he got a ticket from the asshole who arrested Mary Ann.

Ms. Wells told me at the time that I pulled her over for swerving that she was swerving because she couldn't find the heater in her car. All four windows were down, no wonder she needed to turn the heater on. Yes okay I know that I am resorting to sarcasm, but I need my life to go back to normal. She had four half smoked joints in her car! What was I supposed to do...? Blame it on Ginger, or maybe the Professor??

Please, let my life go back to normal. I only did what my job made me do.

Stop calling me Little Buddy.

Officer J.G.

Paolo Nutini

This guy was recommended by Diane, so I thought I would check him out... turns out she was absolutely correct in her recommendation, the guy is GREAT. She gets 598,923 bonus points for him being Scottish. hehe

My Current Favorite CD

Mika - Life in Cartoon Motion



Except I left it sitting on my desk at work. :-(

Email Stuff

I hadn't spoken to the WRS in weeks. Apparently he was busy working on a huge ass grant worth $2 million, but that is no excuse as far as I'm concerned. Our friendship should come first, but oh well. Last week the grant app was done and I still hadn't heard from him, so I thought I would prompt a little bit of contact with an email. Nothing big really, I just told him I was moving to Russia with the handsome JC and that I was pregnant with twins.

Sure enough, that elicited a response:

Congratulations!!! Я надеюсь вы john и близнецы имеет сказовое время в земле Putin. Май ваши младенцы имеют более малых младенцев внутри их... .and настолько дальше.

No I don't know what it says other than Congratulations, John and Putin. So I ran it through the Babelfish translation site. The translation was:

Congratulations!!! I hope you john and twins has fantastic time in earth Putin. May your babies have the smaller babies inside of their.....and so further.

I'm pretty sure that isn't what he intended to say, but who knows. My response was, "I was just kidding you freak, god almighty what am I going to do with your fucking ass??"

For shits and grins I ran it through Babelfish as well, to translate it from English to French. It looked like this after translation:

J'étais juste vous badinant anormal. toute-puissant d'un dieu ce que la baise suis moi allant faire avec votre âne.

I love how the French can make the most insulting lines sound elegant. Just to be sure I thought I would translate it from French BACK to English to see how garbled it came out. This was the result:

I was right badinant you abnormal all-powerful of a god what kisses am me active to make with your ass.

I'm also pretty sure that isn't what I meant to say, but I swear that Jess and I laughed until tears were streaming.

That's good shit right there. hehe

Pornographic Vegetables

I got these pictures in an email. They didn't make me hungry but I was sort of turned on...........

HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA

My Grandpa

I pinched this picture of my grandfather off of one of my relative's Facebook page. (He is the one on the left, by the way.) He was so little.. a bit shorter than my mother, who is 5' tall. He talked in that strange Newfoundlander accent that is difficult to understand sometimes, but he sped it up about a thousand times so that it was nearly impossible to understand. In fact, if you have seen the movie Snatch, the Brad Pitt character always cracked me up because he sounds so much like the way my grandfather sounded. ("Do ye like dags?")

Anyway, I came across this photograph, and thought I'd post it.

Next, my very good friend Odat gave me this award. I am oddly touched by this, as much as she has gone through lately she still takes the time to make us feel as if we are the special ones. What a girl she is.

I will pass this lovely award to Jess, my very good friend and office partner, who keeps me in stitches on a daily basis. Dunno what I'd do without her... probably get more work done, if nothing else. hehe

Speaking of work, I need to get to it. After having the last 5 days off it is going to be difficult to get back into the routine.

*insert bemused expression here*

An open letter to TA Travel Centers:

Dear TA Executives:

I drive. A lot. My family lives in Oklahoma. My fiance lives in Maryland. I live in Georgia. Hence the driving. A lot. Now, when I'm driving, I tend to drink many beverages, ranging from energy drinks to Diet Coke to just plain old water, and occasionally even coffee or tea, although I don't drink the latter two that often when I travel because it forces me to have to take more than the usual amount of pee breaks.

I'm sorry if I sound as if I'm rambling, I just thought I needed to set the scene for you.

Thursday morning, oh, approximately 9:00, Florence, South Carolina. I was in an extreme need for a pee stop. I held out for a TA Travel Plaza because your facility has always been a friend to me in my time of need, whether it be water, Jones Energy Mints, etc., you always came through for me. So Thursday morning I bypassed the Pilot Travel Center. I bypassed the multitude of convenience stores, and went out of my way down a road to visit you. I finally make it to your location and pulled into the entrance. It turned out to be the wrong entrance. You have separate ways in for 18 wheelers and cars which would be okay if you had a way to get to the car parking lot and gas tanks from the truck parking lot and gas tanks. You did not. Completely cut off from each other they were. Does that sound convenient to you? Forcing someone who has been driving for hours to search for a way to get into your facility? I didn't think so, but I chalked it up to poor planning and consoled myself with the fact that the person who designed the flawed entrances was probably fired for being an idiot.

Alrighty then. Through sheer determination I found may way to your gas pumps, filled my car with gas. This activity went without incident. But remember how I planned the stop at your place of business because I really really REALLY needed to pee? The story gets horrifying from here...

After I pump the gasoline into my car I nonchalantly walked into the front doors of your facility. Now mind you, your bathroom wasn't the only thing I was looking for... in the previous hour my MP3 player had lost its battery charge and I didn't have a spare battery, so my intent was to purchase from your business one of those adapter thingies that would allow me to plug the MP3 player into the cigarette lighter. I had visions of continuing on my journey with relieved bladder and a variety of musical choices to occupy me.

Alas, it wasn't to be.

You had no adapters, which I find odd considering truckers, travelers, etc. are at your store at all hours of the night. How many of those people have had to leave disappointed because they couldn't find an adapter thingy?? Okay, I concede that it is possible that you were just sold out, and I would have continued on my merry way without much thought of it other than to stop somewhere else for an adapter had your women's bathroom been in working order.

Ahhh, NOW we are at the core reason for this post.

YOU ARE A FUCKING TRAVEL PLAZA! People who travel need to pee! You sell coffee, drinks, etc., all the ingredients to force people to have to stop at your facility for the specific purpose of using your restroom (and I'm sure you are aware that 87.4% of travelers feel obligated to buy a little something from places who
graciously allow us to use their restrooms - true story, scientific fact*), yet your women's bathroom was out of order. The sign on the door said, "Closed For Cleaning." When I saw the sign a touch of panic began to set in. Breathe, breathe... its okay, its a cleaning, how long does that take. So I hung around your store for about 10 or 15 minutes, shopping, looking again for the adapter thingy (which you still didn't have), looking at your DVDs, glancing through your audio book selection, walking back to the restroom.. nope,the sign is still up... looking at your impressive cell phone accessory choices, looking at those weird looking rolled up things that are in your snack area - do people really eat those things??

Anyway, after waiting a reasonable time I once again headed back to the restroom area. The sign was still up, and by that time I was in pain. Finally a sour, bitter looking women came out, unhooked the sign from the wall so she could come out of there, and NOOOOO!!! She turned around and hooked the sign back up. It was dawning on me that they were not going to let me pee. I asked through gritted teeth (but fairly politely, under the circumstances) was the bathroom going to open anytime soon? The bitter, hateful old wench had the nerve to turn and look at me standing there in my agony, and said, "No," and turned and walked away without a backward glance. No sympathy, no suggestions, just a FUCK YOU NO YOU AIN'T USING THIS BATHROOM EVER MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA message to her tone.

I then felt obligated to buy something since I had hung out in your store so long.

Pilot Travel Centers are my new favorite pit stop.

Sincerely,
Deb from Boondoggled








*These statistics may or may not be totally made up.

Happy Valentine's Day?

I have to use the cupid pic for the sake of tradition, but this year, for the first time in ohhhh, about a hundred years, Valentine's Day is something I am looking forward to.

Have a good one. I'm off to Annapolis.

Keep my seat warm. :-)

My New Motto

I Have a Bad Pixel

I have a bad pixel on my work computer monitor. It GLARES at me everytime I try to look at anything interesting (like Jess's blog, obviously). Click on the picture to get the full size view.

I demand a new computer.

P.S.: Let's all pretend not to notice that Jess has NO COMMENTS to her last post.

That is all.

Mitt Romney Drops from the Election Race

My dog is one smart dog. (See post below.)

God Almighty

We had a staff meeeting yesterday at work. You would not BUH LEEVE the level of idiocy on the part of one of the participants. Any of you who have hung around for any amount of time might remember the Potty Monitor from here and from here. She made the meeting very interesting, which was a source of endless entertainment for the rest of us who were in attendance. Emails were flying around after the meeting. I could hear occasional guffaws of laughter and I knew that another email has hit someone's screen. It was GREAT.

I can't wait to see how the day develops.

I'm Having Computer Issues

It is driving me insane. My laptop has CPU usage spikes, up to 100%, for no apparent reason, and it does it every few seconds, often enough to keep me from being able to do anything interesting on it. Last night I watched the processes tab and the performance tab on my task manager,and whenever the performance spiked to 100% I ended the process with the highest number. I had nearly everything shut down, but was still getting the spikes.

Does anyone anywhere know anything about what is going on with my crappy laptop? I'm being tempted to throw it across the room.

HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA

I need add nothing more.

My Dog Hates Mitt Romney

Its true. I had him outdoors the other day so he could do his doggie business, and there were two Mitt Romney political signs out by the road. He caught sight of those signs and froze - then started barking like a sonofabitch (get it? son of a bitch? hahahahahahaaaaaaa). Anyway... I tried to distract him, tried yanking his leash to focus his attention on something else, but no, he was pulling on the leash and going insane towards those two signs. I suspect that if Mitt Romney was standing in front of him then he would have gotten a nasty bite.

It was a very strange way for him to behave and I am almost convinced that it was a sign from above.

A New One

I am adding a new blog link. I'm not adding it because I particularly enjoy the blog, I'm adding it because everyone who had ever held a job for any length of time will recognize this person. Go read it and be prepared.

I Am The Only One Who Does Any Work Around Here

Okay. Its funny too.

12 Signs of Substance Abuse

Someone in the office has posted the above magnets all over our office building. It is titled (since I cut it off in the scan), "Twelve Signs to Look for in a Person With Possible Substance Abuse Issues." What is really funny about it is that everytime someone in the office sees it, they come in and ask, "Is that directed at me??" I, personally, rarely even drink other than the occasional glass or two of wine, but still everything on that list applies to me.

I'm thinking someone at work is trying to send everyone a message.

In fact, former Boss #2 came into Jess and my office this morning, slapped that list down in front of us, and declared that he's staging an intervention.

What a funny guy because we knew he was joking.

The list goes as follows:

1. Inconsistent quality of work;
2. Reduced work pace;
3. Difficulty focusing on tasks;
4. Increasing mistakes or errors in judgment;
5. Sudden inability to fulfill complex assignments;
6. Coming to work inappropriatedly dressed or not well groomed;
7. Unhealthy appearance;
8. Extended weekends or excessive absenteeism;
9. Consistently arriving late or leaving early;
10. Overall reduction in productivity;
11. Increase in arguments with other employees;
12. Accident prone.

Now tell me that this doesn't apply to everyone on the face of the earth.

Lamb

I just finished reading Lamb, The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal by Christopher Moore. I was raised and spent most of my adult life being a devout Christian (I got better), so I was expecting to be totally offended by this book. I expected it to be a book of making fun of the life of Jesus, etc. What I got was a hysterically funny look at Jesus' years 13-33, what he was doing during the years that aren't mentioned in the Bible. Of course it is entirely fictional, but it was done with such grace and humor it is not hard to imagine that is how it really happened. The book never deviates from the way the Bible teaches that Jesus was, it just adds aspects to the story that will make you laugh.

Jesus (who goes by the Hebrew version of the name, Joshua) can't have sex, so it one part of the book he is having his best friend Biff have sex so Biff can describe to Josh what it is like. Biff also has a lifelong crush on Mary, Josh's mother.

Josh and Biff became friends when they were very small, when Biff watched Josh's brother killing lizards and Josh bringing the lizards back from the dead, only to have his brothers kill them again.

It is all funny as hell. There are many things said in the book that I have found myself using in normal conversation. My ex-husband is besought with demons..... HEY LOOK! A seagull!

If you get the chance to read the book, do. You'll love it.

Blessed are the meek, for to them shall we say "attaboy."

We Crack Me Up

Conversation with Jess, (who, by the way, has the most hysterical post for today), after walking into MY office and seeing that she had put a box of something in my chair...

Me: "WTF??" (only not said all the way - like this: dubya tee eff??)

Her: Explaining why the stuff was in my chair, then making fun of me for something completely unrelated and nonsensical.

Me: "STFU." (ess tee eff yew)

Her: "LOL." (el oh el)





*If you need a translation, let me know ASAP, ROFL.*