Joke of the Day (Steven Wright, on the First Clock)

“How long did it take to make the first clock? No one will ever know.”—American stand-up comic and actor Steven Wright, quoted by Jason Zinoman, “A Failure to Connect Can Be Awfully Funny,” The New York Times, Apr. 6, 2024

Joke of the Day (George Carlin, on ‘Things Better Left Unsaid’)

“I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.”—American stand-up comic George Carlin (1937-2008), Brain Droppings (1997)

Joke of the Day (Morgan Cutolo, With a Resolution for the New Year)

“My resolution was to read more, so I turned on the subtitles on my TV.”— Freelance journalist Morgan Cutolo, “52 New Year’s Jokes That Will Have You Laughing into 2024,” Reader’s Digest, Dec. 28, 2023

Joke of the Day (Steven Wright, on Gifts From His Grandpa)

“One Christmas, my grandfather gave me a box of broken glass. He gave my brother a box of Band-Aids. Then he said to us, ‘Now, you two share.’"—American comedian Steven Wright quoted by Brad Wheeler, “Wright's Stand-Up Delivers on Deadpan One-Liners,” The Globe and Mail (Toronto), Jan. 31, 2010

(Photo of Steven Wright after a spring 1994 performance in Cohen Auditorium at Tufts University.)

Joke of the Day (Demetri Martin, on Why ‘Swimming is a Confusing Sport’)

“Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I’m swimming, sometimes I’m not sure which one it is.”—Stand-up comic Demetri Martin in Comedy Central Presents: Demetri Martin, Season 8, Episode 14, original air date Mar 19, 2004, written by Demetri Martin, directed by Paul Miller

I chose this quote for two reasons: 1) With Memorial Day coming up, pools are opening and swimming will be, for many people, “a confusing sport” again; and 2) today is Demetri Martin’s birthday.

Joke of the Day (Steven Wright, on How He Reminisces)

“I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.”—Stand-up comic Steven Wright quoted by Jason Zinoman, “Deadpan Humor Ripens Into a Novel,” The New York Times, May 17, 2023

Joke of the Day (Dino Stamatopoulos, on How “Cancel Culture’ Will Be Regarded in the Future)

“The idea of cancel culture will be embarrassing. But I’m too scared of being canceled to say that.”—Comedian-writer Dino Stamatopoulos, quoted by George Gurley, “Future Cringe,” The New York Times, Jan. 26, 2023

(The image accompanying this post, showing Dino Stamatopoulos at the Magic City Comic Con, was taken Jan. 17, 2016 by Steve Cranston.)

Joke of the Day (Steve Shaffer, on One of Those Pre-Flight Instructions)

“I love when the stewardess says, ‘Your seat cushion becomes a flotation device.’ Well, why doesn't the plane just become a boat?”—Comic Steve Shaffer, quoted in Friars Club Encyclopedia of Jokes: Revised and Updated!, compiled by Barry Dougherty and H. Aaron Cohl (2009)

Joke of the Day (Comic Demetri Martin, on a Silly Phrase)

“'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. ‘Sort of.’ It's just a filler. ‘Sort of’ —it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, ‘sort of’means everything. Like after 'I love you' or 'You're going to live.'” —American stand-up comic Demetri Martin on Comedy Central Presents, Season 8, Episode 14, original air date Mar. 19, 2004, written and directed by Demetri Martin

Joke of the Day (Colin Quinn, on the Decline of Small Talk)

“Between phones, AirPods and self-checkout, small talk is down 87%.”—Stand-up comic Colin Quinn, Small Talk, quoted by Joe Dziemianowicz, “'Colin Quinn: Small Talk' Review — Fast-Paced Comedy Show is All Talk, Little Substance,” New York Theatre Guide, Jan. 23, 2023

The image accompanying this post of Colin Quinn was taken in June 2010 by thefallofitall.

Joke of the Day (David Spade, on a Common Flight Ritual)

“Whenever you get on the plane, the flight attendant will always tell you the name of your pilot. Like anyone goes, ‘Oh, he's good.’"—Actor-comedian David Spade, “Quotes,” Reader’s Digest, October 2010

The image of David Spade accompanying this post was taken from a YouTube video on Nov. 19, 2016 by thepaparazzigamer.

Joke of the Day (Andrew Tarvin, on Those Who Are Happy and Those Who Are Not)

“Forty-seven percent of Americans struggle to stay happy. Of course, it’s even worse in Disney World, where statistically only 1 out of 7 dwarfs is Happy.”—Computer scientist-turned-standup comic Andrew Tarvin quoted in “Works Like a Charm,” Crain’s New York Business, July 10, 2017

Joke of the Day (Rodney Dangerfield, on Father-Son Christmas Gift-Giving)

“For Christmas I gave my kid a BB gun. He gave me a sweatshirt with a bull’s-eye on the back.” —American stand-up comedian Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004), quoted in Laughter Really Is the Best Medicine: America's Funniest Jokes, Stories, and Cartoons, from the Editors of Reader's Digest (2011)

Joke of the Day (Rhea Butcher, on an Unusual Breed of Witches)

“What do you call a group of really tidy witches? A self-cleaning coven.”— American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, producer, and podcast host Rhea Butcher, quoted in “Laugh Lines: Scared Silly,” Reader’s Digest, October 2018

The image accompanying this post is, of course, Elizabeth Montgomery as witched-turned-perfect-suburban-housewife Samantha Stevens on the Sixties sitcom Bewitched.

This is how much she wants to fit in: to clean her house, she uses a vacuum cleaner rather than her usual way to get what she wants—wiggling her nose!

Joke of the Day (Comic Steven Wright, on Why He Needs His Own Baby Monitor)

“I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.” — Stand-up comic Steven Wright quoted in Peter Keepnews, “A Strange Career Takes an Odd Turn,” The New York Times, Feb. 10, 2008

Joke of the Day (Will Rogers, on Elections, ‘The Only Advertised and Known Calamity’)

“We have various pestilences every once in a while, but the only advertised and known calamity is our elections. It's just like an operation, the anesthetic is the worst part of it. It's these weeks of putting you under that is the trying part of an election.”—Comedian-actor-columnist Will Rogers (1879-1935), in Will Rogers' World: America's Foremost Political Humorist Comments on the 20’s and 30’s—and 80’s and 90’s, edited by Bryan and Frances Sterling (1993)

Somebody help me, please—wake me when this is all over!!!!

Joke of the Day (Becca Kohler, on Fantasy Football)

“When my boyfriend plays fantasy football, I play fantasy new boyfriend.”—Canadian comedian Becca Kohler quoted in “Laughter: The Best Medicine,” Reader’s Digest, September 2015

Joke of the Day (Burns and Allen, With Her Presidential ‘Announcement’)

Gracie Allen: “George, I’ll let you in on a secret. I’m running for president.” [audience applause]

George Burns: “Gracie, how long has this been going on?”

Gracie: “Well, 150 years—George Washington started it.”—Gracie Allen and George Burns quoted in Laura Ansley, “Run Like a Girl: When Politics Becomes Show Business: Gracie Allen Runs for President,” https://nursingclio.org/, Oct. 11, 2016

Recently, a former teacher told me of a reference he made in class about 20 years ago to Jack Benny. His students’ faces went blank when they heard these two, he told me. I’m afraid that they would register only marginally more recognition today if they heard the names of Benny’s longtime friends, George Burns and Gracie Allen.

Maybe, just maybe, some might recall a film that Burns made with John Denver, Oh, God! A few of the more trivia game-minded might remember seeing Burns’ appearance in his Oscar-winning Best Supporting Actor role in The Sunshine Boys.

But I think you’d be hard-pressed to find anyone under 65, maybe even 70, who’s very knowledgeable about Allen, Burns’ wife of 38 years and his brilliant comic partner for 36. That’s in no small part due to the fact that she last appeared with him on their eight-season-long TV situation comedy in 1958. But the comic duo had quite a run in their day, spanning vaudeville, radio, film and TV.

Their act—he, the straight man to her lovable ditz—may have reached a zenith of sorts in 1940. That year, Franklin Roosevelt sought to become the first President to win a third term. But Gracie, she announced, had her own “first” in mind: the first female President.

Just two decades after women got the right to vote, many American males found it laughable on its face that a woman would even think of running for President. But, with Nazism spreading across Europe and Americans squabbling over the necessity of intervening in that conflict, the country sure needed a laugh, and on their radio show that year Gracie (contrary to her image, as shrewd as they come) and her husband were happy to oblige, with a campaign where she was billed as the “Surprise Party’s Dark Horse.”

In her high-pitched voice, she took issue with George’s sputtering claim that Presidents were born, not made, responding: “Well what do you think I was, hatched?”

Amazingly, the couple’s publicity stunt took on a life of its own, with thousands turning out for her “tour” and receiving write-in votes even after “retiring” from her campaign, according to this 2008 NPR story.

Gracie’s “campaign,” of course, was completely a put-on. But many listeners now would find it all too close to reality to encounter a candidate with little prior knowledge of world geography, let alone politics (she looked forward to votes from Canada and Mexico); who promises Cabinet posts to friends (in her case, based on which of her outfits they preferred); and most of all, whose campaign slogan was “Down with common sense.”

(BTW: if you want to catch the couple in action, other than through YouTube clips, you are best off to watch Antenna TV through your local cable TV lineup. Just hope it’s not at some ungodly overnight hour.)

Joke of the Day (Dave Barry, on the Importance of a Good Resume)

"A good resume is more than just a piece of paper. It can mean the difference between not getting a job and not even coming close." —Humor columnist Dave Barry, Claw Your Way to the Top: How to Become the Head of a Major Corporation in Roughly a Week (1986)  

Happy Labor Day, friends…

Joke of the Day (Rodney Dangerfield, With an Early Form of Social Distancing)

“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.”—American stand-up comic Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004), quoted in Gene Perret with Terry Martin, Hilarious Roasts, Toasts and One-Liners: The Ultimate Source for Speeches, Toasts, Parties or Anytime for Pure Fun (2001)