I guess I can write it down in my diary but (although I am a pen and paper kinda person) I feel like typing it our this time round.

my application for sep wasn't approved. of course i'm bumped. not gonna deny it. sth i really looked forward to. got no one else to blame but myself. i mean it really does boils down to the cap. have no chance anymore since if i were to apply next sem, it'll be dependent on my cap this sem. and what are the chances my cap gonna improve this sem. argh. so i just have to deal with it.

annoyed at no apparent reason. just simply annoyed. everything seemed so wrong today, when in fact it was really a beautiful walk from hortpark to school with nas and then lunch with a couple of silat ppl. but sth was just bugging me. it just felt so irritating cause it as definitely an awesome day otherwise. i guess i do get overly unproportionately annoyed over trivial, frivolous matters. which would then be able to explain my unease.

stfhu. that's all i've gotta say.

it is vague now. but i remember the dream. you, me, and pakus. whatever thats supposed to mean. yeps, dad. just us. i really shouldn't build up anything.

2 finals more and i'm done.

found out about a friend's blog. i realized i hardly know this friend. the fact that he bears it all in a blog seems so unlike him. and the content of it really make me view him in a new light. i don't know why. but it strikes a chord cause it all seems familiar, not necessarily similar, but its close to home.

things are the same as always. i mean as normal as 1 week before finals can feel like. i'm glad i'll be done with finals within one week. normally, i prefer papers that are spread apart. but this time, no. of course its normal that i want to get it over and done with. but this sem, there's sth else that i have my eyes on. year, after year and sem, after sem i say the same thing that i'm gonna try harder the following sem, and so far in uni, i've managed to try harder each sem (yes, give me some credit ok!) but its just always not enough and i lose steam around a week or 2 after recess week. all those insecurities i have being in uni, being in ps starts to haunt me. i believe till i convince myself of my position here and of my capabilities, it'll never stop bugging me. conviction! that's what this is all about. that's what i need in everything i do in my life. when i pray, when i study, when i train. i need to be convinced on the reasons why i'm doing these. my love for Him and my fear of Him, my want to learn ps cause that's what that have ever interest me (in uni that is), my want to constantly improve myself and because that's my life. I think a 'why not' is sometimes simply just not a good enough answer to a 'why' question. i need that kind of conviction, and i pray to Him to help me.

been taking bus rides to and from school. reflecting, studying (yayness, done with French!), reading, sleeping, thinking, stoning. a good change from all the train rides where i just look at other people and try figure them out from they way they're dressed, the way they behave. and in the morning, constantly complaining about the crowded trains and looking at all these people and thinking i'll never be like them and do a 9-5 desk bound job. well, as i was saying, taking the bus has been a good, much needed change. (: today, i was thinking of how i manage my emotions and feelings. sometimes, i feel like i'm devoid of emotions. things that have been happening in my life doesn't really affect me that much. yeah, sometimes i feel disappointed or even sad about it sometimes, but it doesn't really make me do anything differently. But then there are times where i'll just cry. listening to sad songs. or more than once, after training in the cubicle, i'll just cry. frustration i guess.

been keeping things in perspective for too long, now. its high time i yearn for something and have conviction in doing what i do in life. Insya-Allah.

It's been ages since i last wrote here. but i'm in need of a place to blewk everything out. School's been a bane as usual! argh!

Went to KL for a UM invitational a week back. went there for 5days. It was really awesome, had lots of fun. Honestly! It was definitely a good break from school. The silly stuff that happened there, really good memories. Awesome morale booster for the team too! 4 golds! (: at first, as usual the same thing that happens for every trips i've been on so far, i was quite scared cause girls being girls there are few ppl we stick to close buddy-buddy. and i don't have a buddy to stick to.. but it all turns out ok. we all got to create new memories and silly jokes. awesomeness!

Now, back to school. Finals are in 2 weeks time. For the time being, I'm ok with finals (not because since i still have two weeks), its essays that irks me till no end. Its just annoying to do essays. Argh!! The feel good after essays are ok only lar. it doesn't really make me feel that accomplished. but all's well i hope. i'm gonna need to push myself abit. all the coffee i've downed and the late nights in school.. i've been doing stuff but just not enough stuff to complete the important urgently needed to be done stuff. ): roars!

Finally found a new song to play on loop to lull the brain so can get myself to do stuff. Sam tsui! he is so good looking!! (:

oh, and after i'm done with all these stuffs, i'll start finding for jobs!! NEED ONE BADLY!! ):

I do hope i'm not imagining things. (:

i don't know what's the weather is like outside. i only know that is it freezing cold in the library!!! seriously! trying to finish uploading the batam photos. i know, slow kan!!! hahaha. anyway, needed to check the modules and stuff also. am going to major in political science! err.. i think. hahahaha. should be lar. i have no idea what ss or gem to take though..

finally got to see my results. thank god for the results! no, they aren't good, but got to be thankful right? (: need to work harder next sem though. shouldn't be much of a problem to work harder as compared to this sem since i slacked too much this sem! (:

at the library now, uploading photos of the batam trip.. damn cold and i forgot to bring jacket.

anyway, got kkk tmr. need to reach school at 8.30!! so early.

and facebook upload just failed. lalala.

back from batam.. (:

really a good trip. get to know and bond with more people. and now i have wali band's cari jodoh stuck in my head. all thanks to those who sang it on the bus especially at jodoh centre. how apt. didn't shop much though. bought a couple of tees and some food stuff that me and farhana supposed to share in the room.

ok just a short recap,

we missed the ferry and to board the next ferry. quite silly though come to think of it. reached there and ate at pizza hut for lunch. walked to nagoya hill and shopped at hypermart!! (: we kept on walking not knowing exactly where or how far exactly was it. the cars, motorcycles and vans.. ok basically all kind of vehicle kept on honking. really irritating. and crossing the road was a feat. hahaha. but we survived. saw asnira at the mall. what a coincident. and she HAD TO shock me such that i screamed oh so loudly (like a girl nonetheless)

fell asleep late cause i think i was used to sleeping at 2am singapore time. woke up early cause i was starving. trained by the waters. quite nice view though quite scorching hot. the nursing students came. (: hunted for cup noodle cause left the plastic bag in someone else's room.

third day suppossed to fight but it rained. really heavily. so we went to nagoya, jodoh centre then golden prawn.

today, went to this hall for match. was really nervous. but was quite psyched up eventually. BUT my brain kinda switched off during the match though. too stunned with the attacks to counter or to defend. buang tuala. it was really irritating cause i don't even know what the heck i was doing. i didn't even realized i didn't kick. wth. argh!!

really need lots of practice which means that i'll have to go for trg tmr. need to continue running too. argh. hopefully i'll improve.

whenever i'm studying or in a certain moody mood. i'll just keep on playing the same song or the same few songs on loop. i guess it kinda help to lull my brain and it doesn't really distract me..

i guess i should wake up early tmr, go library to upload the photos.. hahaha. got the night cycling photos and marina barrage picnic photos to upload too. slow me. whats new eh?

need to settle alot of stuff to.. roars.

it doesn't amaze me anymore that i've managed to screw up the dates. i somehow convinced myself that i'm going off to batam on the 18th and returning on the 21st. so i replied to the e-mail saying i can make it for the kkk dry-run on the 17th and i told dido i borrowing her guard and going her house to take it on 17th morning and that i might not be able to come down for trg on the 21st. guess what, yesterday, it finally dawn on me that the batam trip is 17th to 20th. so i had to trouble dido today, on her working day cause i'll need the guard by tmr. it doesn't surprise me anymore that i'm such a scatter brain.. although sometimes i try so hard just to get things right. oh and on top of all that. i thought today's night cycling meeting was at 3pm. msged them at 12 and realized they having the meeting then.. eurgh. and i had to quickly do the laundry this morning cause i had planned to do it today so that it can dry by 18th. but since i'm going off tmr and it had to rain in the afternoon, my pants are hardly dry. dina's right. i need to get things organized in the diary. the funny thing is i jotted the correct dates on it but i just chucked it somewhere since its the hols.

talking about holidays, natrah was really good. watched it at kl's ib with mom and sis. it really made me think about it differently and it doesn't victimize anyone. everyone's pov were presented. but hers was heavy. started off with her monologue and ended with hers too.

one scene between the moms highlighted that the court case wasn't about the colonisers and the colonised. her biological mom said that in fact natrah was the one who was colonized. true isn't it?

at bedok library now and they having some free christmas puppet show in the programme room. for kids mind you but the room looks like its filled with parents from where i'm seating. the kids probably sitting on the floor somewhere in front i guess.

oh and i do not want school to start. i have no idea what the heck am i doing here. but what's new right? crap. sometimes i wish i'm doing physio now.. but after hearing syu's story.. kinda glad i didn't. but sometimes i think that i'm better suited for vocational study or whatever its called..

haha. but if all else fails, i'll just busk for a living. ppl will pay me to shut up, trust me. either that, or mayne someday, i will be able to play the accordian.. who knows i might even be ok at it.. (: haha. but knowing me, i'll probably suck.

yest was hectic. and my phone dying didn't helped. went to east coast to run with amy. she is soo horrible!! but thanks to her evilness, we ran 6k. haha. it's been a long time since i last ran. but it felt good.. (: supposed to hang out at the library while amy had her piano lesson but i forgot to bring my shoes. so i ended up going home to bath and met amy again at bedok for lunch. headed to bloodbank to donate blood. it was really nice to finally do it. mom doesn't know. so hush!!

met dina at marina then off to marina barrage for after exams picnic. it rained but we were sheltered so it was cool. food was great and company was nice. after that got a ride to lau pa sat cause some of them wanted satay for supper. but had movie marathon waiting so off to vivo to watch twilight and new moon. really cheeeezy and at some points the chemistry between bella and edwards gets really ridiculous. the intensity looks kinda off more like a spoof actually. i'm definitely team jacob. check out the body girls!! really hot. i hope its not digitally enhanced or sth. but anyway, jacob's werewolves friends are sooo sooo sooo hot and cute.

anyway, took the night rider home. it took soo long, reached home at 4.30. wanted to book an appointment online to collect my passport today but it was full so ended up sleeping at 5plus.

i'm not sure if i can still use this passport eventhough i've made a new one but have yet to collect it. should be right. since they haven't cancel this passport.

abit dreading next week though. ):

went to the sending off ceremony for this year's ssyeap at harbour front. went up the ship!! so exciting. i missed it the other time when my mom became the foster mom cause i had to go for nydb camp. but it rained today. so didn't get to see the ribbon thingy. but all the same, it was nice. but was quite moody at first cause i was super duper tired and wanted to just sleep.

back to reading lit texts. sooooo am going to swim after exams. i mean learn how to. told dido i just berendam there, and she can go ahead and swim. lol.

i seriusly need to go out more and do things. oh and how the hell can i check my blood type?! roars. need to go for a run after malay. its been a long time.

a few things i refrain myself from doing. bitching, sighing, and complaining. i hope it stays that way. i think it was a pact or was it a resolution between nicole and me. we were convinced that we really should stop bitching. and i did. oh well, or at least almost. haha. i used to sigh alot, even in smses and blog and aloud. really i did. but then i decided to stop. something about someone saying that it'll shorten your life everytime you sigh. but the truth is, its really a great way to appreciate hardships. a story dad told me a long time ago really help me put things in perspective. got judy blume to thank for that phrase. keeping it in perspective.

no i'm not saying that by putting your mind to it you can do it. (i still can't help but crack my fingers. at this rate, i'll need extra large ring for my wedding.) neither am i saying that i'm such an optimist. all i'm trying to say is that... there is a relationship between personal troubles and social structures... ok you guessed it right, soci exam today. it was ok i guess. first lect in uni was soci, first exam in uni, soci..

rather stoned these past few days. just rather down. not sure if its cause of exams. studying with wani was great fun though. really funny girl! (:

love watching acoustic covers on youtube. marie digby is just oh so pretty. but prefering clodagh now.

knitting down, crochet down, swimming and guitar next on the list. seriously. i don't see any harm in learning something new. although most of the time i'll end up realising that i suck at it.
and it may suck to know that i suck but thats it i guess. at least i tried. (:

love the way this cuple look. (: bloop bloop.

a whole semester. gone. and i hardly feel enlightened. sad uh?

i wonder when will i be able to speak oh so eloquently like those speakers at the forum. its not only about speaking eloquently but also speaking so intelligently.

study for exams, then can finally find jobs. broke!! and need to make passport cause mine expiring. ):

went for job interview today. hopefully can get the job. (: in need of money! seriously broke.

a couple more weeks to finals. but first, 1 more french test and oral to go though. and then reading week and then nightmare. haha. have no freaking clue how finals are going to be like..

feeling a bit down. A BIT!!

had training today. am glad that i stayed to study in school after that with filz and adi. brain was super condensed or maybe it was just simply dense.. but i realy couldn't digest the readings fast enough. took so long to flip the pages lar. oh wells, better reading slowly then not reading at all i guess. thank god the devil didn't have a chance to convince me that i'll take much lesser time if i just go home, sleep and then will be able to cover more readings then i did just now..

Didn't do any studying yesterday, then at night my mom was asking if i studied at home since i didn't have school.. it was like ard midnight i think and i was seriously preparing to go to bed. i told her no then i felt so guilty that i read malay studies last week readings!! if only my mom will ask me often enough! lol.

sometimes, i feel so confuse when i read those readings.. its probably because i have yet to form my own opinions on all these issues.. sometimes it gets so frustrating to read cause i think its so frustrating.. i have no idea to explain myself. its like why is it this way? probably it has got something to do with sth my soci tutor wanted us to think about. something about is it right for us to liberate someone when they don't even feel constraint.. you know about the feinism and stuff. it was in ms readings also. if they feel that its liberating to be wearing tudungs in their society, who is to say that it is discriminatory?

anyway, watching some silat clips on youtube.. kinda cool..

miss rowing.. gimme a paddle!!

why is it that anger is hardly ever directed to the one who left but the one who bothered to stay?

was playing icy tower on facebook!! how cool is that. i was just talking about icy tower to jean that day at fad's house. the only game available on the computers back at tkgs!! really love the game. but the one on facebook is kinda difficult..

went to school for training yesterday and after that met up with dina at pasir ris to do malay studies project. saw so many satans in its various forms. some with bloody eye, some with witches hats and others with masks and vampire bites. or maybe the bites were real love bites, i'm not sure. haha.

back to churning essays and revising and readings. so long. (:

it has been awhile hasn't it.. so what do i say now.. hmm.

been slacking too much. whats new?

and i need a job!! maybe should ask if they need ppl in dec since i need the money. (:

went for night cycling on sat/sun.. my mom let me.. i'm not sure if that's surprisingly or not. but it shouldn't matter since she did. and mon, met up with the girls at holland v! miss them. and after that, i was missing db. still am actually.. roars. i guess i just need to get over it right..


i'm gonna tell you a secret!!

gonna chop my hair tmr..
liberation. tired of bunning it up since i don't like ponytail.

guess what. i forgot to hand in my soci assignment through turn it in. so eventhough i handed in the hard copy on time, it'll be considered late. crap!! i am such a scatterbrain.

btw, the row photos and raya concert photos are all gone. sth went wrong when i tried uploading it to the comp last fri. sis said she'll try uploading some software to try to retrieve it from the card.

in a really really really lousy mood. sheesh!! roars.

the only great thing was this holiday, get to catched up with a couple of friends. and went jalan raya.

my second day of school today. probably will blog in detail more next time. but i just wanna say now that i think i'm overwhelmed with school alr. trying to take it in perspective. but reading the forums on ivle, i was wondering WHAT!! there were ppl discussing not only yest's and today's lecture but also readings for next week lecture. right!! i on the other hand hardly read anything. and yes i know i should find comfort in knowing that most haven't either. but i'm still uneasy about it and i think i'll like for it to bother me so long as it helps me get things done. roars!!

first day if school tmr!! haha.

didn't go for food hunt on thurs. went for oweek finale on fri and went for nusdb fun row on sat with amy. she lousy lar, she told the ppl there that they can call me happy.. lol. then went to kallang netball ctr to bath. felt like we were intruders cause the place was like super empty and quiet. then went to watch up! at leisure park. the movie was quite cute and got hidden meanings kind. quite touching also lar.. and then went to parkway to get the shoes..

sun was the real NDP. it was ok lar. but this time there was the usher who kept on screaming (not at the motivators thankfully) ok fine she wasn't screaming, she was just trying to talk very loudly so that ppl can hear her but really, she doesn't sound pleasant. sculpt the balloons until got no more kids or ppl to sculpt the balloons for. oh and we saw mr. singh!! haha. after the parade, went to marina square awhile play sparklers.

mon, went to ion orchard with amy. wanted to check out the world of sports cause they were having 44% discount for members. in the end we ate quite alot lar..

today, went out with dina to buy her school bag. and talked about school. (:

everything about school seems overwhelming to me. i am really trying to take it in perspective. but there just seems to be so many things that need to be done or think about or check out or read. and i haven't even start school. haha. embrace it eh?

was really tired on sat. and kristine also got no voice and tired. so end up not that high during the interaction with the audience. plus the balloons kept on bursting! roars!! frustrating lar. i think on 9th aug. i'm just gonna make alot of the wrist flowers lar.. can alr.. i can't make a nice one on the spot, so should make alot before that like what some of the groups did.. thats the fav.. and if the kids want dog or flower with the stalk or sword, i can make those on the spot..

i sad lar.. registration for singapore bay run and army half marathon, yellow ribbon project run and run nus are closed. didn't get to register for any. and amy registered for the first 2 alr. boo!!! and long time never run alr also..

anyway, went to school on mon at 8 plus for freshmen inauguration ceremony. only jaslyn and i went from our og. it was really short and simple. succint speech from the nussu president and the dean. intro of all the imp ppl, performance and my fav part was the balloon dropped from the cache somewhere up there!! love nus colours man.. blue and orange damn nice!! then we played wet games and night games afterwards. some of the wet games weren't really truly wet. headed home with priscilla before the last station.. left nus at ard 10.45.. reached home at ard 12. i think cause took quite some time to wait for the busses. oh and f a n n t a y is in my group!! very very happy!

flag on tues. did abit at boon lay then jurong then bugis. i didn't know science centre was just there. haha. sold flags at the junction leading to science centre..

and today, woke up late, met f a n n t a y at bedok then headed to harbour front to meet the og then go sentosa for beach games. fun games. sat in a tree!! haha. the tug of war damn scary. was like a war siah.. it was really scary too and tense.

don't feel like going tmr though. think they having food hunt or something of that sorts.. need to hand in some forms though. and collect my ezlink card.. rahs!

its probably hard on them. i'm trying hard to make it less hard.

went for oweek on mon. brought toothbrush, shampoo and extra set of clothing. but didn't tell mom the possibility of staying over. so anyway i did.. did bidding at night after dinner at clementi.. were done by 3 then slept. cause inside the adm place very stuffy so, slept outside. some of the girls took their sleeping begs outside and just slept on the floor. i didn't bring sleeping beg and i didn't wanna share with jean cause it was a very cold night with the wind and it'll be bad cause she won't get to cover herself up. so just sat at the bench and drifted off to sleep. i don't even know how long i slept cause keep on waking up then dozing off.

today was sports day. it was quite fun ah. the quidditch game was quite fun. i was the chaser or whatever you call the person who scores. have to run ard with the broom in between your legs. very tiring cause have to run up and down the playing area which was half a soccer field. then still have to try catching the ball when you are running. run, run, stop, kiap the broom between your legs, raise your hand and catch the ball. haha. by the time the ball hit you alr or you not prepared to catch..

very hot. so very tired. and tmr got ndp show. need to sleep although i think can tahan abit to surf the net.. haha. but better sleep!!

lousy mood, loust attitude. yeps, thats me for now.

to see them makes me feel happy. cheap thrill.

watching my absolute boyfriend. something different about the love story. HE is a robot who is madly in love with SHE. and there's sth abt this story that i like. it has a nice pace. and sth about it that just makes it really nice to watch. not in a princess diaries or my girl kinda way. though i like all of those too. haha. i think that i'm hardly making sense.

teaching today. i don't think i'm that old. but i do think that kids have changed. seriously. they call each other names. and there's this one boy who keeps on running ard and out of class and speaking chinese to his classmates about the class or about me. roars!

ndp tmr. not that it'll be thereupatic..

okok. hot guys cooking on channel 5! seriously hot. lol. 'hot guys who cook'.. i thought my absolute boyfriend until 1.30 but today only until 12.30 leh.. last week 2 hrs special or sth maybe..

don't feel like sleeping. probably gonna be a walking zombie lar tmr.

i want to share something i encountered during work on mon. it was during the period of time where there weren't many people exiting so no one to ask to take photo.. so i saw this lil ang moh kid who was with his mom and baby sis. his mom was feeding the sis some puree or sth so his mom was like asking him to go look at the fishes in the vertical tank. so i was like prompting him to go there and started talking to him. he is 5 years old. then i asked him where he's from. then he answered 'here!' i don't know why but i was quite taken a back when he said that.. ok maybe cause i'm a bigot who has a preconceived idea of how things are normally and therefore should be like. so i just kiddingly said ' here? you're from underwater world?' haha. my attempt at trying to be humourous. lol.

i'm not sure if he meant that he's a singaporean or maybe he's just some expat kid who have stayed here for quite sometime. (i really doubt that he's a singaporean.) i bet that kid doesn't even undersatand the concept of nationality yet. its just that he responded so fast and unhesitantly.. he totally looks ang moh but he definitely identifies singapore as home. i know he's just 5. its the innocence and simple-mindedness of a kid. but it did got me thinking. and oh well like it or not singapre's increasingly becoming a diverse melting pot.

with national day around the corner, sometimes i may get a bit patriotic. but as i grow older i realised more and more things are getting on my nerves. from singaporeans attitudes and behaviours to our mind set. there are just certain things that i need to try to come to terms with. i highly doubt that it makes me less patriotic but it just makes me more aware of my surrounding and the environment. the sad thing is that i don't actively try to make a difference, to try to change how things work. maybe in the near future i might. who knows.

it started off with dry cough. and then after work yest, i had no voice. haha. then at night, couldn't sleep well cause keep on having to wake up to cough out all the phlegm. thick green phlegm! gross ok. can hardly talk lar now. scared skali tmr too sore to even eat! no!!

went to school today. met up with ain and dina cause me and dina asked for ain's help to explain to us the biding system. thanks ain! saw mdm loke when we were at the canteen. i have a feeling i'm bound to screw up some things. haha. gotta be extra careful. (:

solar eclipse tmr. there are just so many myths and beliefs related to eclipse. it can truly be scary or perhaps even magical. depends on your take on it i guess. my mom loves to read about these kind of phenomenon. she'll tell me what kind of eclipse happens in how many hundred years. or the next don't what eclipse gonna happen next in singapore in 2139. haha. actually i can't remember. but yeah, you can read the papers if you really wanna know.. (:

oh and i am so gonna flop the test tmr if i don't read a few pages of that book. it'll be equivalent to me not going there at all. haha.

mulit-tasking.

watching my girl on channel u listening to clemence's songs on you tube and surfing the net. go check it out. she sings damn well oh and wells, she's pretty too.

yest ndp training was ok lar. got tickets for next week ne show. haha. since my attendance is less than 80%, i only got 1 ticket. my mom wanna watch. but she said she want to bring my cousin.. when i reached home, managed to catch the ending of APM. taufiq and faizal tahir sang isabella. classic song!! then st 12 sang their version.. sounds different but just as nice.

i want to be a travelling show host. or a chef or a baker.

ok. tmr got another ndp ne show. kinda forgot that its tmr. haven't pack my bag. so many things to bring. roars!

watching jason mraz clips on you tubes. he just goes around places in france with his guitar and start to sing while the crew videoed him. roars. love him.

will pack my bag tmr. just feel like sleeping alr. (:

gonna be high tmr though my throat is hurting. fishermens friend doesn't seem to be helping.

am at bedok library now. something must be wrong with the air here. suddenly got sneezing fits. been blowing my nose since just now. so much mucus! i secretly think that mucus are actually your brain juice. haha. imagine that!

anyway, doing my lesson plan for tmr. i have no idea if i can teach until so long lar. they extend till sept. not their fault lar since lessons were suspended due to h1n1.

anyway, gonna get a replacement sim card tmr i hope. (:

lost my hp during the ndp training on sat. left it in the portable toilet at the f1 pit stop. ): really sad that the person who found it actually took it lar. like seriously harlow!! the phone has no back cover. the buttons are all falling apart. the lcd screen is super duper scratched. the plastic thingy all falling apart alr lar!! and and its ndp show lar. like where's your compassion for your fellow performer and singaporean. crap. bs.

worked on sun and mon. then tuesday went out shopping with amy for her camp stuff then went for sign language class. then today went out with the 0737 girls. we went to the zoo!! again. for me lar.. haha. cause i went with dina a month ago. supposed to meet the girls at 10 at amk. but.. i woke up at 10.05.. i'm begining to be more scatter brain and careless and clumsy and forgetful aanndd its getting frustrating!!

going for the medical check up tmr with dina. hopefully i won't forget anything tmr!! or screw anything up.

how do i train my brain to remember stuff and not to be so scatter brain!!

i have no idea what happened. i've evolved into this lazy person. i can't even begin to describe the me now. i need someone to slap me i think.. god save me. please.

i've lost the desire to learn new things. you know i used to have the list of things i want to do. now, nothing seems interesting enough. traveling still has it lure but screw that cause i'm beyond broke, so obviously not going anywhere in the near future. oh and did i mention my pessimism these days. used to be overly optimistic!! roars. if this goes on, i'm so gonna screw up at school. crap. what a way to start.

oh btw, i'm in love with blanket. mj's third child. he's so adorable and handsome.

went to the doc. got flu tablets, pills for the swollen throat and pills for the fever. and and home till tuesday. (:

watching Allah made me funny on you tube. seha was talking about it during camp. check it out! oh and while you're at it, watch achmed the dead terrorist too! funny!!

ok. should probably go to bed soon. don't know why but my tummy aching now. ):

i can hear the planes flying past. ndp training. haha. at home now instead of at ndp.. fever subsided after eating panadol. but still got flu. seriously like leaking pipe lar. drips. drips. lol. anyway, kristine msged me saying that she got sent home cause she got cough.. i guess they're really taking things seriously for ndp.

alone at home now. mom and sis went for robinson sale at s'pore expo. i think my mom is still in pain frm the fall yest. but don't know why she still went ahead to go s'pore expo.


so anyway, i've told several ppl but have yet to mention it here.. i'm scared of starting school. i seriously am. roars. so many things to think abt lar actually, thats why. and so many things to remember.. i'm so blur, bound to screw some things up.

oh and mon got secret mission. hehe.

having cough. (can't believe that i spelt it as caugh when i msged my faci.. embarassing seh) anyway, as a precautionary measure, me and ain not going ndp training tmr.. not feeling that well at all, so gonna rest and finish up some things i need to do at home. hopefully cough will go away!!

there are two cases of h1n1 in the camp that i went to.. hopefully it won't worsen and that everyone gets better.

attempting to clear my mess. hope it'll work. please god.

and my attempt to clear another mess commences next week i hope.

crap, got 3 books due yest. roars!! the reminder doesn't seem to help much.

hope that dina gets better soon..

my mom fell on the bus today.. the bus drive was trying to brake in time for the red light. really pissed with the driver lar. my mom's leg is alr weak to begin with lar.. really mad.

argh. my mind is in a mess now.

first thing first.


went for the ms and pbmuks cam on mon. supposed to meet dina at 9.45 at outram. but ended up reaching there at 9.15 and dina also reached there at 9.15. lol. our attempt to not reach early failed.

reached yih, saw syazana and diyanah.. then went up with dina to withdraw money to pay for the camp. so then we went inside the place and divided into our grps. was in black. there was 4 of us plus 2 faci. joined with other grp to play ice breaker and then had mass ice breaker.. then we played a game where we walked ard sch to see game masters act out their script and figure out the sequence.. there was just 3 of us going ard cause one was dancing for ayg opening. then we had to design our flag then played human checkers that dragged too long we played human scissors paper stone instead to decide the winner. haha. then we played night hunting at engin building.. so many stairs lar! great game though. we ran all the way from one stn to the other. by then we had 4 girls and 2 guys. i was the only girl wearing shoes. so the rest of the girls were like running in their slippers. everyone was on so it was great. came in first. then we washed up and went to sleep.

2nd day we played some more games. then we had food trail. then mosque visit then to clementi woods to build our fort (with hoop and thrash bag) for the game god save the queen the next day. went back to campus and played pyramid games. hilarious lar some of the jokes.

1: another word for girl..
2: boy!

the word was babe lar! lol! after that og went for supper at the cheese prata shop. was like 20 min walk from kuok foundation house.. discussed abt our presentation at the same time.. reached back at 3.30 then talk awhile with seha till 4 then we slept.

3rd day had the talk with abang abu. then was the wet game. basically it the purpose is to get the queens from other grps who are wrapped in newspapers wet and at the same time keep yours dry. it was a really fun game and everyone was really drenched. after washing up we were given time to prepare for our skit. grp went to ucc to write it out and prac. after that played wheel of fortune which started out fun but ended up being draggy. the spinner had to shout out big money. funny arh to see the variations of big money..

then we walked to west coast park. long walk.. then when we reached there had the talk by the cca grps and respective grps so-called withink the cca.. the lights on the stage we were at went off. hid's eye had an infection. it was quite bad lar. swollen and puffy. then we ate our dinner. then proceed to watch the performances then. hid and zati had to go. so our grp didn't perform.. funny lar to watch the performances by other grps. then dikir by faci. reached back hostel 12 plus i think or 1 plus. slacked with seha in the room. i slacked she packed lar actually. then after that i joined dina's grp. they went to ucc to play uno and slack. ate ain's grp potato chips and twisties. haha. was hungry lar.. went back to my room at 4.30 and then sleep.

had mashed up, spicy macaroni for breakfast. played mind games over breakfast. like black magic, mehmeh jump over the wall and back to the future. then went to mpsh to play sth like a memory game.. recall certain details throughout the 4 days. we were the first team to go out lar.. lol.

then played telematch, guys vs girls and tug of war snr vs freshies..

check out, prize presentation then lunch with grp + dina at mega bites. ate creamy chicken.. was blur like sotong lar when we were there. haha. after that took bus to clementi with dina to kill some time cause she got no house key and i didn't feel like going home. we saw dina's jux ogl at the bus stop.. quite silly of me cause i crossed over thinking 14 passes by there since there was 14 on the side we were at. so anyway after dina took the bus, i walked back to the int and took 14. quite sleepy, so slept on the bus in the most confortable position to sleep when you're on the bus (for me!) put bag on the lap then just bend body forward with head on the bag and sleep. something like sleeping at the table during tutorial.. haha. luckily i didn't drool.

luckily don't have lessons tmr. cancelled!! phew, at least can catch up on sleep and do laundry tmr.

oh and i didn't get hostel. boohoo. oh wells.

and my mind is still in a mess. not from the lack of sleep. but the mess i've created due to my stupidity. ROARS!! i need to use my head more often. THINK!! argh.. crap. deep shit.

had an outing with the juxtapose 09 ppl today. supposed to meet at dhoby ghaut mrt at 4.30 i reached there at ard 4.45. no one was there so i made my way to cathay.. the loserish thing was that i didn't have the hp no of those in my og who was going. haha. ok fine, i only have lydia's no and she's joining us after the movie! so anyway i msged lydia for tsin li's no. then when she replied, i was still walking to cathay. so anyways, watched transformers. the problem with me and movie theaters is that once i enter and get seated, i feel like putting my legs up and sleep! and when the movie starts, i'll have trouble understanding certain parts of the movie cause i can't hear the dialogues clearly. especially just now when the robots were talking, i was like huh?! so anyways, went to eat dinner afterwards with the og ppl and dina's og. went out of the house without packing my bag for tmr's camp. haha. was packing it just now when i reached home. then compose 1 very formal sounding e-mail.

i think i overpacked for the ms/pbmuks camp but oh wells..

ndp training last sat : got our costumes, got our goodie bags, went up the hdb like structure for the first time.

so yeps, the costume's like a care bear. you know the kind with the heart in the middle of the tummy. i can almost imagine myself singing nursery rhymes or sth when you press my belly. very colourful! oh and the skirt is to be worn with the leggings. and shoes! yay! don't have to wear my loose shoes anymore. oh and since we had to prepare for the pledge taking i.e to see if we're afraid of heights and stuff.. the other group helped us take our goodie bags from the pit stop and met us at the floating platform. almost the whole group of us ended up with yucky pink bags. the bags kinda cool though. can be a messanger bag or a tote bag.. oh. but its kinda weird to be dancing and singing high up in the hdb like structure cause you're coop up in a pigeon hole and you can't see your fellow friends. well you can definitely see the ppl below but its weird being high alone.

so anyways, my colleague called me to say that i got work tmr. its his attempt to try to trick me into thinking that i really have work tmr i think. dirty trick and it almost work. till i remembered that another colleague alr msg me to ask if i can work tmr. (which means that i am not scheduled to work tmr) wouldn't mind replacing him if i didn't have anything on but i have the camp tmr, so i can't possibly help cover him tmr.

better get to sleep now or else can't wake up tmr. meeting dina at 9.45 at outram. and still got some stuff i have yet to dump in my bag.

yeah, was in a rush yesterday, so didn't blogged much about camp. so here goes.. first day, we played strategy games around nus. at the dog and bone station ci xin and i fell flat on our butts when our numbers were called together. lol. yeah. it was mainly shocking not pain. but my butt did ache for the following days. haha. then we played the disability challenge. i ended up being blindfolded. it was quite scary actually. had to eat with our blinfolds on some more. then we had some open pal game and couple dance. we had supper before going to bed.

the next day we had the amazing race at the henderson waves. the games were fun and the final stop was vivo where we were supposed to shop for our bbq. as predicted we overbought the stuff for bbq. anyway we got to learn a couple of magic tricks for the science ctr trip with minds kids on sat.. after that they taught us mass dance and we had a break before cluedo. cluedo was really cool cause everyone was like super serious about it. quite sleepy and tired initially but the game was fun. anyway, had ndp training on sat so coudn't join them for the trip. so anyway, we learnt balloon sculpting in the morning then i made my way to tanah merah and dina went to bishan cause we had to go to our respective pick up point. i forgot to wear my sport shoes (happily left the hut where we slept in my slippers) there so end up had to borrow dina's cotton on flats since her dad haven't left her house to send some stuff to her. after training lydia, my ogl called to ask if i was coming back soon. went back to sentosa and found them at the beach. they were waiting to start the 'intimate session'. haha. its just the sharing session where you say great things about ppl in your og. after that we went to bath and had a prac for our skit. our take of how the murder (cluedo!) took place. so there we were squeezed inside the small hut which had 2 double deck beds. (i slept on the upper deck!!) anyway, halfway through.. we heard a knock on the door. it shocked all of us and there was no one when we opened the door. thought it was some prankster or sth. then they started talking about ghost and then they saw shadow at the glass panel next to the door and they started freaking each other out. turned out it was one of the comm going ard knocking on ppl's door to scare them. by the time i went to bed it was 4 plus..

next morning played beach games and then had sharing sessions about nvac stuff. then it was dinner and dance. probably the most under dressed girl there. haha. i wore berms and my mr 500 t-shirt. opps. everyone else was wearing dress and skirts. maybe its time to be more self-conscious. maybe not.

supposed to run today but the weather so cold. nice to slack at home and sleep. haha.

came back from juxtapose camp on sun and had to work on mon.. initially it wasn't tiring.. i even unpacked my bag the night i came home. wasn't that sleepy when working too. but on bus 30 on the way home. my eyelid seemed like it weighed a tonne. i slept like a pig on the bus and almost missed the stop.. my mom didn't work yesterday so she helped me do the laundry. thanks mom!! hehe. so i woke up late just now.

the camp was fun! made some new friends and had lots of fun. it was quite sad that i couldn't go with them for the trip to the science ctr with minds though. oh, the ndp training on sat was so cool. hmm, actually the cool part was the part where we can sit and watch the show. haha. so anyway, the show (the part that i managed to catch anyway,) was so cool!

going to eat my lunch now and afterwards meeting the team at hougang. better ciao now if not gonna be late..

going for camp on thursday till sunday. its been a long time since the last time i went for camps. the last camp i went to was DB camp back in j1. haha. don't even remind me.. it was horrible and probably an example of why i didn't wanna join ug back in sec sch..

the camp's team leader just called my hp. i think i sounded hostile. shucks. cause me house no reception then i have to say hello so many times since she didn't reply (of course, since she can't hear me)..

kak uda brought my bag for her camp which is until next week. dang! i can't enjoy her absence and sleep alone for the full nine days of her camp since i'm gonna be away for mine for 4.

whee. loading boys over flowers on dailymotion. wohoo!! (: oh and btw this sat ndp training is at marina floating platform. and since my pick up point is at tanah merah, i have to travel all the way from camp to tanah merah to board the bus. ok back to f4. haha.

went to malaysia today for mak long's kak nadiah's wedding.. it was, as usual, scorching hot over there.. first time going there after the opening of the new custom..

i had been busy the whole week. i'm really tired. glad that i'm not working tmr. phew.. got to settle some stuff also anyway.

i know i shouldn't be thinking or even saying this.. but i wish ndp trainings doesn't take up all of my saturdays until 9th august.. and its practically the whole day mind you.. roars!

crap, can't even think properly now.. my brain is like not functioning properly now lar.. eurgh. i want to sleep.

ok maybe after i've read through some more forums..

is it so wrong? you being shock about it made me feel awkward initially. but i find comfort in knowing that its ok and that really, there's nothing to be so amazed about..

sometimes when you try too hard, you fail.. simply because..

trying so hard to keep things in perspective. but its hard.

doing my lesson plan now. after this going off for lesson and then to the tea session afterwards. only ran once this week. fortunately it was quite a distance.. i think we ran for abt an hour.. wheee.

then tmr got ndp training at ite simei.. having food junction or sth like that..

the ccm training workshop was supposed to be today and tmr. but since cikgu said she didn't received any news about it, i'm surfing the net at home.. wanted to prepare the lesson plan for this friday lessons but got distracted. whats new. but i'll probably do it tonight.

went to nicole's website.. she take really awesome photos. furthermore, she's really good with words..

kakak's application for the degree programme was succesful. (: yeps, that's good news! however it also means that when the semester starts, kakak, kak uda and me will be off to school. kaching! kaching!

i tend to be sceptical about things. not exactly a pessimist but i take things with a bucket full of salt.

watched survivor last night.. until like 2am.. jt is just so charming with his tan and southern drawl lar.. so in the end, woke up late today.. haha.

was reading through the booklet to see which camps to go to.. i have yet to complete the online acceptance though. fickle minded. eurgh.

at amy's house now.. using her laptop while she's sleeping like a pig.. running later.

went for ndp training yesterday. at boys/girls brigade campsite at sembawang.. played a couple of games. then had bbq. then we joined the primers for the poc gala night. there was a band playing a couple of songs and a few great funny games. kristine was really good at the count the remainder game. and dina couldn't guess SPONGEBOB! haha..

malaysia lost in the semis of sudirman cup. i didn't watch it though cause was at the training. hope i can watch today's finals.. south korea against china. haha. then can watch the handsome korea mens double. lee yong dae i think.. swoons..

ok i guess i'm off to the hospital soon to visit nenek.

feels good to be working. (:

i'm in love with Marco! haha. let me explain myself before you get the wrong idea..

Today was my first day at work at underwater world. it was fun but also quite tiring cause pretty much got to stand through out. basically, my job is to get people to have their photo taken at the booth. its the normal typical souvenirs photo with the background of underwater world.. technically we us the term 'free photo taking service' to attract people. but i was initially unease about it cause i've never been comfortable at giving misleading information to people. but after that it was ok because we won't force them to go ahead and buy it. but decide later if they want it then print it. if not then its ok..

anyway, back to marco. he's a little boy who was so amazed by his surroundings. he went to the aquarium in front of the photo taking booth and said fish. then the grandma brought him to see the aquarium inside and then he ran out to see the aquarium outside. since, he was so cute, i teased him then he tugged my hand and brought me to the inside aquarium where the grandma asked me to take a photo of them. he is so adorable. he just kept running away from his grandma. then he went to the pool with a lot of rays and stand on the ledge. he's so brave lar. he was like grabbing for the rays. then he went to the gold fish tank then he was making the hand gesture asking me to carry him.. melts..

oh and btw, guess where am i know.. at the void deck cause mom forgot to bring the keys so i have to wait for kak uda to come home from her tuition. was with mak and kak ati just now, but they followed my mom's friend go somewhere or maybe go her house or sth.

anyway, went out with dido and fad on labour day. i really missed them lots ah.. they each have office job and tuition jobs (dido has officially become a work dork since she works at boost on weekends plus friday!).. whereas me? i have weird schedule. been trying out doing banquet at carlton. still trying to get the hang of it.. quite hard actually! no more kendarat jobs though.. and the conversational malay lessons are on hold because of exams..

makin kering! haha.

why oh why..

i do not like interviews. scare the hell out of me.

something is wrong with the internet connection. i was planning to complete my smu application by tonight.. darndations. yeah, i know that i shouldn't have left it to the very last minute. my bad. that's just the way i am. i do things at the very last minute. i do know that something might go wrong and i am fully (ok maybe not exactly fully, but close enough anyway) aware of the consequences. but i just feel that i function better knowing that the work i'm doing is due tmr or even in a few hours..

went to my mom's workplace just now to accompany her while she cleans up her place for the day. i'm not sure if it has always been like this between my mom and i. we don't exactly talk to each other during bus/mrt rides. for example just now, we were at the bus stop and i saw lightning and i said, 'eh, lightning.' yupps. thats it. then we waited for the bus. she talked on the phone for awhile. then i asked her something. then she aanswered. then we waited for the bus. on the bus, she asked me if i put the blue notebook in her bag. so i answered, ' ah, ade kat dalam beg.' yupps, thats it. i don't know if my mom regards it as awkward silence. but truth is, i don't. i've never been good at starting a conversation anyway. the funny thing is that, when we're at home. i can talk to my mom comfortably.

i hope all goes well tmr. i know she's afraid. fine, i think she's afraid. no wait. afraid isn't even the right word. i think she's unsure. (and it seems like so am i..)

i used to think that i'm an anti-social. actually, i still do. no matter what my friends say to make me think otherwise. i always face this problem of maintaining a friendship. and, sometimes i just simply run out of things to talk about when i'm out with my friends. thankfully, it doesn't happen all the time. and i somehow or rather will manage to come out with something lame to say. well, something lame is better than an awkward silence right..

i've been watching 'the incredibly true adventures of 2 girls in love' on youtube.. i was watching the part 6 this evening. but with this sucky internet connection now, i can't finish watching it yet.. you can probably make a good guess what the film is about from just reading the title. anyway, i really think randy looks like ellen degeneres.


i can't help but feel that it was directed at me. truth is, that is hardly an issue. there are other things that bothers me. things that kinda gets on my nerves.. and things that i simply can't comprehend. they may be easier than algebra and calculus but my brain just simply refuses to function normally. it kinda refuses to give the proper signals to my body to react a certain way or to feel a certain way or to think a certain way. and when i say a certain way, i mean the normal way.. oh and btw, i'm not surprised by the how.. i could have guessed anyway that it works both ways. and i'm not mad. nor sad. nor disappointed. just.. i don't know..

watched dinamika just now. they interviewed ashley isham. i still have the article about him which i cut out when i was in sec 4. it was a weekly assignment. we had to choose an article and write our thoughts about it. i was really awed by his story.. he's one person i'll like to talk to.

went out with nicole yest. went to hmv at hereen to look for taylor swift cd and some koreans band or singer cd. i think it was kara or sth like that. cause she said kara and i thought she was talking about the american idol judge. lol. i should have known better that nic wasn't refering to her. saw a couple of nice french movies vcd there too. 8 femmes, a la folie pas du tout and amelie. actually nic wanted to watch a movie yesterday but there wasn't anything really nice that we can watch. so we didn't watch any.

ran 12 rounds yesterday. amy's brilliant idea to increase by 2 rounds each week. haha. i have no idea though when are we gonna stop upping it.

the kendarat job on sunday was really tiring. my legs were aching lar..

ok anyway, i'm starving now!

feed me.fund me.leave me alone.

lol.

watched tawkay wayang last saturday. when the adult ayu came out i thought she sounded and looked familiar. when i read the programme, i realised it was musfirah..

anyway, went for a conversational malay briefing just now at bedok green primary. i'll be teaching every friday..

went to the stadium yest cause wanted to run.. but got soccer match. bummer. then we saw the geylang united players leaving the gym building. and one stupid player was eating curry puffs. amy was having a craving for curry puffs. and i bet she was salivating when she saw that guy enjoying his curry puffs. lol.

i'm rotting at home. literally.

i need to do something intellectual or at least something that will keep me occupied.

mr 500 last sat and sun. the lightning alert system HAD to go off just as we were about to board the boat. i could have gone to work lar.. roars.

going out with dina to go to the library tmr. i'm gonna to try to find fingersmith or sth like that. its a book btw. and i hope i won't look for it at the wrong shelf. lol.

was randomly looking through friends photo albums on facebook today. came across one hot friend's album. and she's really sizzling hot! haha. i know alot of you people out there know that i have lousy taste. but seriously she's hot..

anyway, i think that lookism is inevitable.

shucks i forgot abt project runway!

i am scared. actually more of confuse. should i try appeal to nyp? roars!

whole freaking body aching. but truth is, training was syiok! its been a long time, hasn't it.. but i was freaking tired so took a long nap after eating nasi lemak for breakfast cum lunch.. i wonder how mr 500 is gonna be like.. i know the importance of debriefing and stuff but sometimes i think it borders on being too technical and not succint enough such that no final decision or say is being derived out of it. i mean it will be nice if things were more succint. the first debrief was ok but when it came to the girls.. we get derailed quite easily.



still no e-email from nyp. ):



i'm getting quite irritated when i seat in front of the tv with the obvious intention of wanting to watch a drama and my sis start to talk about her make up product or hair or about something that happened.. i don't want to be evil and do what she normally does (because she has selective or is it restricted hearing and she can't multi-task) which means i'll be talking to her and she continues reading the paper or watching the tv or whatever she was doing. and it gets even more irritating when she hears what you say but she doesn't acknowledge it. i mean sometimes i will tell her about something that happened and i know maybe she got nothing to say to it since i was just telling her and not asking her.. but i mean the least she could do would be to lift her head from the papers or tv or even just say or make a 'oh' sound or 'hmm'.. but no! i would have to asked her if she heard what i said and then she'll say yes. i mean how am i supposed to know then if she was listening right?!

they are a superficial pretentious irritating bunch of bithcy people. or maybe they seem like it since i'm in a lousy mood. but even when i'm not in a lousy mood, its hard to deny the bitchiness in them.

had training in the morning. went home. went nyjc for gpa. ate. sat at the void deck reading a book while waiting for someone to come home since i didn't have the keys..

gpa was nice although only 4 schools participated. especially love tk's performance. the only conundrum was perhaps why they didn't have any supporters. oh! and i played a trick on deena who in turn played the same trick on dina (ok i was an accomplice in that one too..) made her ate half an ondeh-ondeh and i started talking to her. the ondeh-ondeh was really glutinous and it was freaking hard to chew. so she was like trying to chew and laugh and scold me at the same time. haha. that was really funny. well at least they ate half of it at one go. me being a pig, stuff the whole big ondeh-ondeh into my mouth. it took ages before i managed to swallow it. thought i'll never will.

izzah called me when i was out with dina, shah, ain, syakirah, and some guys for dinner. she told me she got the e-mail from nyp. i'm sooo happy for her. this is what she wanted and yes! she got it!! congrats!! but i'm kinda beginning to fret cause i didn't get any e-mail. ):

con⋅ceit⋅ed 

 /kənˈsitɪd/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [kuhn-see-tid] Show IPA
–adjective
1.
having an excessively favorable opinion of one's abilities, appearance, etc.
2.
Archaic.
a.
having an opinion.
b.
fanciful; whimsical.
3.
Obsolete. intelligent; clever.
Origin: 1535–45; conceit + -ed 2 Related forms:
con⋅ceit⋅ed⋅ly, adverb
con⋅ceit⋅ed⋅ness, noun
Synonyms:1. vain, proud, egotistical, self-important, self-satisfied.


yikes! i didn't know the word got such a negative connotation. what did i expect right! i didn't mean it when i said it though.

i'm a thinker, a reader and to a small extent, maybe even a preacher. but hell, no i'm not a doer. i'm a dreamer and a starter but not a finisher. i may lie awake at night staring at the plain, blank white ceiling wondering how can anyone not have the instinct or desire to sleep under the stars and not the roof. i may even feel like going down and just to lie down on my back and stare at the stars. but no, i don't sneak out when everyone's already asleep. instead i just fall asleep. and the next day, i wonder instead why would anyone wants to star gaze as they are falling asleep when eventually what the 'see' for the rest of the night is the back of their eyelids. and for god sake you are probably lucky to see a couple of stars in the sky yet alone a constellation. its so bright! the lamp posts, the corridor lights.. and no i'm not complaining. i wouldn't feel safe otherwise going home late at night.. my point is i contradict myself on a regular basis such that i can't seem to even form an opinion. i may read a brochure from some vegan society and start to enlighten my sis about being a vegan or a vegetarian. i may contemplate for a moment if indeed human beings are meant to be herbivores.. but the very next day, i'll be enjoying a yummylicious ramlee burger.. all facts forgotten.. but perhaps still ridden with a pinch of guilt..

still got training tmr, and i'm still aching from today's.

watched slumdog millionaire yesterday.

stupid effing neighbour.

so many things have taken place since i've last updated the blog.



results were released. went for open houses. and sent my application for physio at nyp. i know some of my friends are in the same boat as me. confused about what to choose. not much time left. i guess i'll figure it out soon. i hope.



i'm kinda feeling sucky now. i don't know why just feeling lethargic and tired. from what.. i have no idea! i'm not working.. just slacking at home and thinking. i'm thinking too much. i slept at 3.30am yesterday cause i simply just couldn't fall asleep. i was thinking. trying to figure out what i wanna do.

anyway, i've been cursing a lot lately.. i don't know why i'm so angsty. i mean i should be over that already.

i've got a friend who is spiritually lost and the other is spiritually driven. and me? haha. i don't know.

gonna have class outing on the 1st march i guess. but i have no idea how to go about it. haha. must ask aishah help..

went for j1 training today. in the end, the seniors ended up rowing together in 1 boat. went to eat lunch at tm afterwards. then catch a short performance by 2 mjcians at the sony ericsson roadshow promoting the jason mraz concert. it was kinda like a competition i think. you're supposed to play the guitar and sing one of his songs to stand a chance to win a pair of tickets to his concert. they sang make it mine but the guy didn't play the guitar. he was kinda just holding it and singing with the girl.. then bought ramlee burger then went home but mom was doing the laundry so she didn't hear me knocking on the door so i just sat at the void deck for half an hour and then used the computer and then fought with mom and then cried.

yupps, tmr got the kendarat job at ang mo kio. i hope they not using the same dishes as that time. it was heavy and the utensils were heavier near the 'end of the stem'. so when you rest it on the plate after you're done eating and if i were to carry the plate without holding on to the utensils, then it will drop cause of inertia.

rachel and cass's ct is the new teacher ic of dragonboat. he's really nice. he stayed through out the whole training. but poor thing lar do nothing. cass asked him about results and he said 2nd or 6th march.

i need a good home cooked meal.

saw mrs. geh's blog through khad's links. i didn't know she's no longer teaching there. i don't know exactly what she's doing but from the photos and skimming through her posts, she's like in th US taking part in races and runs and those kinda stuff. i think that's really nice.

my observation session is cut down to 2 weeks. (: anyway results are probably coming out 1st week of march right. yupps. 6th march. need to pay library fines and school fees before that. if not cannot take results. haha.

i took a nap again today. i have no idea what's tiring me. i think its my diet. eating alot of unhealthy food lately. ): i can't help it. got no self discipline.

i'm going for j1 training tmr.. amy said quite tiring. i guess cause long time never train.

i'm hungry. i didn't eat lunch and now i'm waiting for my mom to come home from work with food.

oh yay. she's home!

started the observation session at ttsh last mon. it was interesting. i probably shouldn't talk much about it anyways.

what i want to and should talk about is the fact that i can't talk without sounding like an idiot. i'm glad i'm not alone. (dina, i read your blog!!) it seems that i can't even construct a simple sentence. when ppl ask me how's blahblahblah. i either say its interesting or boring depending on whats the blahblahblah. and then i'll smile and say umm and then say the same thing again. so its like this
'oh it was (2 seconds dramatic pause) interesting. umm. yeah. it was interesting' like wth.
is that idiotic or idiotic. i don't know what happened. apparently my brain is leaking and all the words are slowly crawling and making their way out of my head. i think i'm verbally comatose cause i seem to not have opinions anymore.. ask me about anything and there'll probably a minute of awkward silence before i can come out with some sort of answers. and to avoid this awkward moment, i've learnt to just smile and nod. its not that i don't find the conversation interesting. in fact i'm stumped for words even when the conversation is interesting (gawd i hate that word!!) its like as if i don't even think nowadays. oh no!! my brain!! argh! it better not be because of that data entry job where my only source of conversation was with nisha (thank god there was nisha) during our 45 min lunch break. i should join a toastmaster club or sth. dang.
am i over reacting? haha. but this is serious. what if i have to go for interviews and my only adjective is 'interesting'. i used to say 'random' alot more. oh goodness, i can't help but remember my french oral for A's. the local guy was brutal the native lady was nicer. he kept asking me about dragonboat cause the topic was sport. and i kept on saying it was interesting. yeah, i recall blogging about it. i remember blogging about how i can't put the adrenaline rush and stuff like that into french words. and apparently i can't even do it in english now..

sometimes i think about running away from home. but i always wondered after that.. what will i do if my mom really chase me out. no worries, its just a thought..

THANKS DIDO AND FAD FOR THE JASON MRAZ CD!!!

dido and i went to the airport to surprise fad cause her birthday was on the 11th. so we bought a slice of cake for her from polar then told her to meet us at the t2 viewing mall during her break. dido passed to me my belated birthday gift which was jason mraz cd!! thanks girls. haha. i know its super belated but its ok.. last year we bought fad's present in september. haha.

haha. yes i swam. haha. hardly lar actually. swam 3 consecutives strokes with the breathing and stuff. swam 5 consecutive strokes without breathing. haha. and no, i'm not proud of that! i can't seem to remember all those instructions from amy. hands, legs, breath, head. haha. i could at least swim if i can hold my breath. i have a problem once i try to swim. i either start to sink or gulp a mouthful of water instead of air.

went back to ny to help out for cca bazaar. it was quite weird being back in the school. ate lunch there. i didn't know the makcik canteen for both the malay stalls change this year. haha. dina bought a muffin for caro then we lighted up the candle and we sang birthday song. i was so happy cause i saw mr. tam and i talked to mr.pun.. haha. say what you want. i think they're just funny teachers who don't exactly lecture like the other lecturers. haha. trust me. mr. pun always make ppl laugh. and so does mr. tam. i mean that does not necessarily make them really good lecturers according to some. but i like their lectures.

supposed to run with caro in sch before or after the cca bazzar. but it rained. lol. everytime not fated to run with her. aside from pe lessons, i can't recall running with her. took 45 home and stopped at the stadium bus stop. decided to run since i was already there and had my shoes with me. i thought run for 30 min. but in the end run for like 20 plus minutes. haha. need to run more leh.

i've been watching alot of clips of french songs on you tube. kinda nice actually although i don't understand a thing. haha. i hope i can brush up on french but i'm just too lost and lazy.

i'm going swimming tmr. haha. ok, fine.. more like attempt to swim tmr.

and i thought it ended with the menopause..

friday is gonna be my last day of work. mak's not too pleased that i didn't take up the offer to continue working until march. truth is.. i see her point, i mean the money and also i'll have sth to do in the mean time waiting for the results. but, i've already signed up for the volunteer thingy (but i've yet to get a final reply) and i really feel zombified from working there. i know i should probably endure it since its only temporary and i should feel blessed and happy to even get a job in the first place. i perhaps would have if i didn't feel like i should try out the volunteer stint.

had a conversation on choices with my boss today. he was telling me that i should see the future prospects and the pay and the worth of the degree and all that sorts that i've not heard about in a long time. i mean, i've been constantly reading and listening to people saying that you should follow your passion and you should think of what you like. i've taken it for granted that thats what really matter and thats what people consider nowadays. its been a seriously long time since i've last heard of the materialistic aspect of choosing a course or carrier. i actually do remember there's someone who talked about it some time back. i can't remember who but i remember kinda dissing her and walking away thinking that she must be the few ones left thinking that. (i guess i was shallow then..) but today, it really was refreshing and made me think about it. i don't know why. must be the anxiety of waiting for results. furthermore i've always imagined myself having a midlife career change. if i do what i like now what am i suppose to do then. will i like something else. and i'm so fickle minded! what if i don't like it after that. yeah, i know so many what ifs. HMM!! that is certainly the anxiety!! roars.

i'm seriously going to learn how to swim. i'm serious.

i was reading lessing's the cleft on the shuttle bus to bedok from work. and i was squirming in my seat. not only that, i couldn't help but make faces when i was reading it. it was about it was about genital mutilation and it ain't the females this time round. it was very disturbing and i think i'm not matured enough to read these kind of book. its not only because of the fact that i can't deal with the grotesteque details (she's a really good author. well, ahe has to be right since she a nobel laureate?) i can barely see the big picture or the literary aspect of the book or the perspective that you know the author is trying to drive at. that's one of the reason why i didn't wanna take lit eventhough i really love reading. because it takes more than just the love of reading to do well in lit and to 'trully' enjoy a book. how come then, you'll ask me, that i love to read when i don't get the whole lit thingy. i just don't dwell to much about it. i think what i think and not what i think the author wants me to think. at times though, i feel tempted to think about what other people might think. its not a bad thing right? hmm. maybe i should go join some book club or sth.

for the second night yesterday, i cried before i finally slept. i have no freaking idea what the hell is wrong with me. i cry very damn easily. but this time round i think its justifiable. haha. since when you'll think does crying needs to be classified as justifiable or not. you have no idea.. or maybe you do if you're worst or perhaps just like me. sometimes, i cry for no apparent reason.. all it takes will be a sad song or something. haha. i was even scolded once by my mom for crying too much. ironic though considering the meaning of my name is to bring happiness. haha. i have 2 theories to explain this.

1. i'm a sadist and happiness to me is to cry a lake of tears.

2. no one calls me by my real name. i'm nana at home, nehneh mon with my team mates (don't even ask..), farnanah with my classmates and most other friends or sometimes fana.

i better clarify sth. i don't mind being call by those names.

sometimes i think i think too much and sometimes i think i don't think enough. it irks me. sometimes i think too much about consequences and stuff and other times i just talk without thinking and hurt other people's feelings.

and sometimes, i don't know what to think. had lunch with nisha again today (duh!) and were talking about results. i was telling her that i don't know what to feel or think exactly. i mean if you ask me today, i might say i wants the results come out sooner but i might give a different reply if you were to ask me the same question tmr.

i'm watching clips of lady gaga singing just dance on youtube. truth is, i don't know her or her songs. i heard the chorus of that song on the bus today (tv mobile cna cd ratings) and the tune was stuck in my head the whole day! and wow, she really can dance and sing!

and i watched some of the old les enfoires clips. i still get goosebumps listening to jean baptiste maunier singing qui a le droit. haha. that was WAY before he broke his voice anyway..

and i don't feel like going to sleep so i shall not. haha.

Entre nous, Chimène Badi
Mon frère, Maxime Leforestier
Sang pour sang, Johnny Hallyday
Dis moi que lamour, Marc Lavoine
Petite sœur, Lâam
Prendre un enfant par la main, Yves Duteil

i went to the istana open house with my sis today. it was freaking hot!! the queue to go in (it was free btw for singaporeans and pr. foreigners will have to pay 1 buck. all contributions will go to comm chest.) was pretty long. but it was constantly moving so it wasn't that bad. but as we were progressing down the line, we saw litters at the istana fences. left behind by those who were earlier on in the queue too.. tsktsk. took tonnes of photos inside though kak uda's cam was on its earthquake mode ao we had to use the hp cam. haha. my sis's cam is spoilt. it will sometime vibrate non-stop when you on it.

when we were finally done sitting ard on the patch of grass, we made our way to the istana. when we reasched there, the president was just about to board the hmm.. i don't know what you call it.. the thingy you drive at golf course. the driver was a lady. cool uh. anyway, my sis went to buy us tickets so that we could tour the inside of the istana. photography prohibited. anyway the inside was really wow. chandeliers and various gifts from other countries were on display. first, we went in the reception room. there were like couches and 2 display shelves od all the gifts and a dining table. my sis said the prev time she was there, she had her dinner in that room and the set up was different. anyway, on our way to the dining room, we saw the potteries by jalil iskandar. and some paintings and carvings on display. the wood carving from sao tome and prinsipe (i think cause i can't recall. shit.) was really nice. it was like a painting and you can actually see the shading. in the dining room, my sis was 'caught' for trying to take photo with her phone. haha. the policeman just approached and signalled with his hand to tell her no photography allowed. haha. my sis thought she coud cause in the prev room, the policemen was VERY oblivious to obvious photo taking. the visitors were like taking photos with cam and the policemen in that room didn't say or do anything. so my sis was like trying her luck i guess. haha. anyway there was this miniature clock tower from spain on display in the dining room. we just walked pass it the first time round but stopped to see the 2nd time we walked pass it cause there was this uncle who was scrutinising it. it was showing the correct time but the second hand (or what we thought was the second hand because it was the thinest and the other two hands were showing the correct time) wasn't moving. so, my sis and i were contemplating if it was working or not.. then i was telling my sis even spoilt clocks are correct twice a day. haha. but we decided to linger around and see other displays in the room again for awhile before returning to see if it was working. it was! so we came to the conclusion the the second hand wasn't working or the hand is not the second hand but the alarm. you know like the one you have on your classic alarm clock. but who have heard of clock tower with alarm at 11.30. haha. and there was a spider in one of the displays. the 3rd and last room was the err. i forgot the name. but its the room where the president have tea with the vip and stuff and its where you have the chair on the ALCOVE. haha. i was reading the board and it wrote the the statue of queen victoria used to be on the alcove at the far end of the room. and i misread it as above. so i was like stumped and keep on rereading but i kept on misreading it.

when we went out, took some more photos and managed to catch the performances. the lady sitting beside the president was really pretty. the guy at the far left was cute too. but he's probably younger than my sis.. haha.

i felt bad for taking photo with the guard who was posted at the gate (poot guard) so many ppl standing beside him and taking photos and all he can do is to stare into space with the blank look.

so anyway, guess what i'm doing now. watching bits and pieces from the inauguration of barack on you tube. i wanted to watch it live on tv that day! you know it was historical and stuff. but i succumbed. haha. i slept. i only saw the guests streaming in. i saw mohd ali! haha. and then i slept. i can't believe myself! haha. but i keep telling myself i saw his victory speech live. cause the election day fell on one of the study break or sth. haha. i know i sound like an idiot. i mean so what if i watch the inauguration at all or not right? but i can't help it.. and i really like him. unless he's gonna do sth really stupid.

what have i been up to..

ok here's a quick summary. i worked. volunteered for the fll lego competition at nlb. watched we live in a box at substation. just had a haircut. more like a trim, so probably no one will notice anything. went for the moh scholarship tea session. don't actually bother abt the scholarship. just wanted to hear about the professions. i'm really keen on physio. went for nyp open house. yupps, thats all i can remember for now.

work was typical. fll lego competition was tiring. i couldn't really do my job well cause i wasn't proficient enough in trying to get the judges to adhere to the 10min time limit. the drama was confusing. i understood it. but the q&a session with the writer after the play was extremely disturbing. he kept on fidgeting and pulling and tugging his jubah. he couldn't really address the questions posed by the members of the audience. but the most disturbing has got to be the figdeting! it was obvious that his mind wasn't there. my haircut.. its just a trim. planning to keep it longer from now on! the tea session was initially uncomfortable but enlightening after we talked to a nice lady who was 6 years older than us. i really like this lady who was a scholar for physio (she wasn't the guest speaker) she was lively and seems to me more down to earth then the rest of the scholars. i don't mean to be mean. but i just didn't get a comforting vibe. there was a dad who asked about the difference between his child getting a diploma or a degree and how it will affect the future career. to me, the question was good. but probably not to a group of guest speakers who were scholars with degrees and were there to encourage people to take up the scholarship. the speech therapist scholar answered by saying that there local institutions don't offer dip for speech therapy. and the rest just couldn't answer. the nurse scholar who earlier on had shared her experience in the first session of the talk gave an answer and then the lady physio answered the question too. nyp open house was enlightening too. prior to that i was more keen towards physio but after that i was like contemplating between physio and occupational therapy. and now i just hope i pass all my h2 subjects and h1 econs.

that's a very messy update. but i'm just typing whatever that crosses my mind.

i do hope that dina's teeth is better.

and i don't think i'll like desk bound jobs. rather depressing.

DIDO!! I WANT TO EAT AT FRESH BULGGOGI!! haha.

remember my previous post where i said that everything about the new year seems so foreign. wells, at least now there's something familiar every morning when i go to work. poly students started school today and those residing in bedok and tampines will take 168. so today, finally i experienced something that i experience every new year, looking out for strange faces going to school. although technically i'm not going to school with them but to work. i don't know if i managed to get my point across but thats the best i can do to describe what i mean. it feels like as if i'm going to school too. oh wells nevermind. forget it. i don't think anyone will understand what i've just said.

another thing to tick off on my after A-levels to do list. went out with nicole on sunday to knit. we sat down at some void deck and started knitting. we weren't progressing so well. we had a guidebook and my lousy techniques to rely on. and that is obviously not much of a help. and then 1 nice auntie walked past on her way to the pasar and thought us a lil bit. it really helped alot caused she showed us how to knit and told us which string to pull and stuff. she was quite old and she said she learnt knitting when she was in school. why they don't teach knitting in home ec classes or sth anymore? now all i have to do is to continue to practice and figure out how to bind off the next time i meet nicole again.

the next thing to tick off is to brush up my french and learn guitar. i borrowed the french guide book but i've barely gotten pass the first chapter. and my guitar is totally out of tune and damn dusty. i won't be surprised if some of the strings snapped alr.. hope not though. oh well, one thing at a time i guess.. if not i'll end up like the journalist i mentioned in my previous entry. she tried knitting too and french and a whole lot of other stuff but was never really that good..

today was lil nyonya last episode! the ending was ok i guess. i just sort of wish that chen xi and yueniang had a more amicable and concrete parting. not him thinking that she's dead. at the end of the show, there was this clip showing some roadshow they had at some mall. i was shocked that it was freaking damn full! it was like packed from the ground floor right up till the top floor. cool huh. hope there's more good shows to come. talking about shows, do you know that rtm 1 (malaysian channel) have changed their concept to that of an info and news channel. so i can't watch anymore good malay dramas cause my house can't get rtm2. dang! 1 less channel. as if its not bad enough not having a computer and scv.


i'm gonna read a book now. so long.

i've started work. thats one thing ticked on my to do list. one down, a hundred more to go. haha. ok maybe not a hundred. but its alot.

i was reading the culture vulture column in today's life. i agree with her thoughts. sometimes i just feel like learning sth. but i'm not necessarily good at it. i want to learn chinese, learn silat, get better at french, learn the guitar, learn accordion. i kid you not abt the accordion thingy. and i thought i was crazy (and so did many other people) to have that on my to do list. (and i didn't even know how to spell it at that time. yes i am ashamed of that!) but apparently the writer wants to learn the accordion too. haha.

went out with dido and fad yest. so nice of them. they waited for me after their job interview. more like i made them wait. sorry! they got the job for crowd control for LTA. i did tonnes of silly things lar. and dido laughed at me! first i dropped my chicken from my meepok (or however you spell it) and then i dropped my fishball. (i still ate it though. haha) and then when we were on the bus, i wanted to say the word kedekut. but i kept on struggling and said words such as pengdekut, penyekut! and dido was like laughing like a crazy woman lar. my argument on why i made such a silly blooper was that.. malay words normally begins with pe when it comes to descriptive words. like pelokek (kak lah said that) and penipu and pelawak. thats why i kept saying pe sth.


so now its the new year huh. it feels so the same. watched the lame countdown on tv. then tried wathcing maid in manhattan for the 2nd time but mak changed the channel. so i slept. but seriously the marina countdown was like super lame. it was like messy and it was a lousy attempt by several artiste to lip synch. rivermaya was good though. and good looking. haha. the one wearing the silly glasses looks cute. i think he was the bassist.

a new year. but i'm not starting school tmr and i'm gonna have to start getting use to adult fare. dang! it feels so weird. not that i always look forward to going to school but the certainty of it makes me feel comforted. you know like 'ok i'm going to be in sec 4' or j1 or j2 or whatever. a few more months before the results are out.. like as if thats going to be a source of comfort!

off to watch lil nyonya..

its christmas today. nothing much. suppose to go for a run with amy at east coast park. but she's sick. poor her. sick on christmas. so yupps. growing fatter and unhealthier by the seconds.

its possible
for a plain yellow pumpkin
to become a golden carriage

its possible
for plain country bumpkin
and a prince to join in marriage
and 4 white mice are easily turned to horses!
of course!

yesh. that freaking tune is stuck in my head wherever i go!! it just goes to show that i've been watching too much tv. and the sad thing is that (or perhaps fortunate) i don't have cable! so i've been watching countless mindless shows that air on channel 5. ok. to give channel 5 some credits not all their shows are mindless but i can't say that they are educational either.

i was reading the journals on jason mraz website. and i came across this post where he was talking about inner voice or sth. and there was this link to this website which says that happy people watch less tv than unhappy people. hmm. perhaps that explains why i've been feeling so crabby. no wait, maybe thats pmsing. but anyways, you guys should read the articles.

i went to the indonesia trip bbq thingy last mon. i ate ALOT. i kept on eating and eating and eating! should run soon. won't undo the harm but it'll help with the guilt! shah and syakira kept on asking me to stop stoning. haha. i didn't even realise i was beginning to stone.

i'm beginning to like jason mraz. he's reallyubergood.

yupps, its been awhile.

read a couple of tkgians blog just now. i don't know them but i decided to just read anyway.
gosh, i really do miss tkgs. there's just certain things that make me think back and smile. i know i'm not that old yet to be reminiscing about the past, but its really something that i miss. i wish i can like meet up with my ex-classmates and stuff. but i just don't actually pick up the phone and call them up to meet up. hmm. after a-levels hopefully.

i want to watch aviva open. but i have no idea who to ask along to accompany me watch. its $12 plus $1 sistic charge for student season pass i think. anyone?

mid year is around the corner! fadilah msged me to ask if i want to mug over the weekends. yupps, its really high time that i 'work my ass off' as quoted by khadijah. but right now, i'm having the lazy syndrome. i just don't feel like doing anything. ultimate laziness. whats new right?

damn, why is it so hard for me to be even a teeny weeny bit hardworking!?!

i want to be an athlete! but its too late cause i'm too old and too lousy at everything!

i feel like a fucking piece of shit.

everything has been freaking irritating so far. everything.

if i had been blogging during the weekend, i might have said a bunch of things that will probably piss certain parties. oh wells, at least i've cooled down a lil bit since then.

i'm a very disorganised person and yet, inefficiency piss me off. seriously. i don't like wasting time. eventhough i really probably got nothing important to attend to. damn.

i need work cause i need the money. i want to save up starting from now. the nights when it was kinda difficult for me to fall asleep despite my muscle aches had me thinking about my future. after my A's, what am i going to do? really. my results aren't good enough. yet. hopefully. i need to work hard. and even if i figure something that i'll like to do, what the hell am i gonna pay it with? the last time i checked, no one accepts monopoly money.

tomorrow is the listening compre for french. and after that, i'll be finally done with all kind af tests and exams for awhile.

i don't wanna feel piss. but i cant control it.

this weekend is the db camp. cant wait.

my mom is contemplating whether to homestay 2 ppl from the seayep trip. i think it'll be nice to have them over. (: it'll be this weekend too.. i don't like it when two events fall on the same date. oh wells. (:

after french class yesterday, when to meet up with dido and fad. gosh, didnt realise how much i miss them. bought pencil case and these pretty glass tiles. gonna give my pw mates cause i think they're a nice bunch of ppl. more about op later. i missed watching gameplan with them cause i got french class. ): anyway, i had lots of fun yesterday. i was feeling alot better though. i keep on stuffing myself with food. ate at compasspoint with nisha and wendy after op. i ate yong taufu at banquet. damn nice arh. i took new things for the first time. but still couldnt part with the seaweed. damn nice. was late for french. haha.

the bus ride home from vivo was horrible. cause it was a single deck 30 and we sat at the back where it was stuffy and stuff. and on the bus, i was still stuffing myself. then met mak and kak ati at the foodcourt near my house to eat prata. (: i love prata. but long time never eat chapatti also. haha.

op was beyond what i expected. my team mates wee great! it was really nice to see them talk and answering questions so eloquently. haha. i stumbled with my speech and needed further prompting from the assesors for qna. but the fact that i felt the whole team did well was good enough for me.

this is it.

i no longer fancy you after what you said.

it was weird how it seems to me that she's not even ashamed to say that. in fact, she made it sound like thats the way it is. andidontwantittohappenagain.

the paper is tmr. and i don't feel like doing it. i have a freaky feeling that i'm not going to be able to do well. ): but i want to do well. ok maybe not well, considering i flunked orale already.. so, at least i want to do ok. argh. freaking irritating.

mayday.

-farhanah

Nur Farhanah
19 september 1989
tkgs, nyjc

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