Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
"Watch out for my own domain - www.blogappetite.com. Migration is in progress."
The kids and I head out to the mall one day to attend a birthday party. I happened to almost forgot the day and I still haven't bought a gift so we went straight in the department store and checked on some items for babies and toddlers. I don't know what to choose. For a one year old child, I can't think of what to give him. Will it be a toy for him to play or some children's books for her mom to read to him? Well, I opted to buy both. The toy will be Elysia's gift and the book will be Scieszka's gift to Gabriel. He is their cousin anyway.
At the party, there were a number of kids. Knowing my daughters really well, I thought that they will jump in right in the middle of the party area to join the many kids out there who are already starting to play. But I was wrong, at that early in the party they kept clinging on me and they don't want to go down! What is happening? It was an advantage for me at the party because they behaved well. They were quiet on the table and they ate their food. It's as if a miracle has happened to me that day. Well, that was what I thought.
On our way home, we need to pass through the bridge from one side of the mall to the other and just as we got off the escalator, the younger twin, Elysia saw a play room and insisted to get inside. But it was already too late and I still need to work at home that day. In short, I said "No, we'll visit there next time." It was those words that triggered her to cry out very loud and roll over the floor! It was very embarrassing! The people around us started to look at us as if I was the worst mom in the world for letting my child act like that!
A week before that incident happened, I visited a dentist and while waiting for my turn, was able to read an article about children's tantrums. There are a few notes there that really helped me snap out of that commotion and really, it pays to read.
Here are the helpful things I've learned from that magazine:
Ways to handle a tantrum:
I almost reacted violently hadn't I read this article. When I was in my early stages of motherhood and I see a child throwing a tantrum in public, my reaction would always be that it was the parents' fault. Now, I understand it isn't. For there are things we can't fully understand unless we are that situation. Another lesson learned.
On our way home, we need to pass through the bridge from one side of the mall to the other and just as we got off the escalator, the younger twin, Elysia saw a play room and insisted to get inside. But it was already too late and I still need to work at home that day. In short, I said "No, we'll visit there next time." It was those words that triggered her to cry out very loud and roll over the floor! It was very embarrassing! The people around us started to look at us as if I was the worst mom in the world for letting my child act like that!
A week before that incident happened, I visited a dentist and while waiting for my turn, was able to read an article about children's tantrums. There are a few notes there that really helped me snap out of that commotion and really, it pays to read.
Here are the helpful things I've learned from that magazine:
- Parents should not be embarrassed when their child act in public.
- Tantrums is a way for a child to express his feelings. It doesn't mean his a bad child.
- Parents should not be guilty about the tantrum and should not feel that he was not able to raise his child properly.
- Tantrum is not a measurement of a child's attitude. The child is still coping up with those kinds of emotion and as parent, we should help them.
- Children throw tantrums for a reason so don't feel frustrated. Identify the cause and act accordingly.
Ways to handle a tantrum:
- Be calm, do not get overly frustrated about the situation. Parents should be calm first so they will be able to deal with the situation properly. The worst a parent could do is have a temper over their own child's tantrum. It just shows you, yourself are not in control.
- Do not attempt to converse to a child who is in the middle of showing off nor physically deal with him. Let him calm down a little, then start talking. Show empathy to your child's feelings. Say something like "I know you are frustrated for not getting what you want, I understand. We can talk about it at when you are calm".
- Do not reward the tantrum. If the child wants something and it's impossible to have, don't give in to what he wants. Giving in is as good as telling the child that he can do the tantrum next time.
- Check if there are things that might injure the child during the tantrum and take them away. This is to make sure the child won't get hurt while doing his act.
- When the tantrum is over, discuss the matter to your child. It is very important for the child to be aware that such act is not acceptable especially in public. Make the child understand that he can not always have what he wants.
I almost reacted violently hadn't I read this article. When I was in my early stages of motherhood and I see a child throwing a tantrum in public, my reaction would always be that it was the parents' fault. Now, I understand it isn't. For there are things we can't fully understand unless we are that situation. Another lesson learned.
Giving birth to my twins made me an instant mother of two. I never had the chance to experience rearing a single child and devote my time to an only child. It was always twice the effort. Friends have always been asking me,"Who is your favorite?" or "Do you play favorites?" and you know what, I cannot simply answer the question directly. I even thought if I had been playing favorites already?As a parent, I want to discover myself and analyze my relationship with my children so I will check on some of the reasons I know why favoritism happens in a household, how it affects the children and maybe some ways on how it can be prevented. These facts are based on personal experiences, observations and stories from other people.
Why Favoritism Happens?
- Child's Attitude - differences in each child's temperament. It sometimes irritates the parents if a child has a difficult temper, having frequent tantrums and reacting violently over small things.
- Parent's Expectations - be it talent, interests or things that parents like for their children. One child always fits the parent's expectation. It can also be about physical appearance or if a parent expects the opposite gender for a child.
- Child's Health - the sickly child gets more attention than the healthier one or vice versa.
- Life Event - the child was conceived unexpectedly. An "unwanted child" as others would want to call it.
How Favoritism Affects the Child?
- Self-Esteem - the unfavored child will most likely feel that he is not being accepted. And while the unfavored child seem to suffer from having low self-esteem, the favored child might develop over confidence that may possibly lead to arrogance.
- Fairness - the unfavored child is most likely to receive rewards for doing something that satisfies the parent while the favored child is receiving rewards for no particular reason. The child could feel that the world is unfair.
- Peer Relationship - the favored child who is always receiving something for nothing might expect that the world will be just the same as the parents and that he will always get what he wants but hey, reality says "no". The child could develop problem when relating to his peers. This could also be the same for the unfavored child as he is always seeing the world to be unfair, the child could think that other people are just the same as the parents.
- Sibling Relationship - of course, favoritism could result to sibling rivalry. One would always protect his favored status and thus, will work hard to retain it. The unfavored child could do the same to get some attention. Children will always find a way to prove themselves to their parents which could often result to anxiety or insecurity.
How To Avoid Favoritism
- Acceptance - children has differences and parents should acknowledge that one child could exactly be different than the other.
- Love - parents love their children. Setting the balance is the problem. Learn to love each other the way the want to be loved and accepted for they are different.
- Unique - learn to discover the unique identity of your child and acknowledge it. Discover each of their interests, hobbies and skills and relate to them individually.
- Time - have some time with each child alone to develop your relationship with each other.
- Praise - acknowledge child accomplishment but avoid over praising.
- Listen - listen when other people tells you that you are playing favorites or when your child approach you regarding favoritism concerns. Do not presume that you are doing well as a parent. We always make mistakes.
- Lastly, stop, think a hundred times before you react. Parents reaction to situations could often affect the relationship with the children.
Each child would react on the situations I stated above differently, either good or bad. Our duty as a parent does not stop on giving allowances, getting your children to school and giving them the life they want. Nurturing our children should be our primary concern.
As I was writing the checklist above, I've come to realize that there are some symptoms of favoritism on me but the good thing is, I am still in control and I still have time to correct my mistakes and not to let it happen again. My children are still young and I still have a lot to learn. The journey now begins...
