Monday, November 06, 2006

Secrets and Lies

I am very good at keeping secrets, but absolutely crap at telling lies. Never trust me with a secret about which someone is likely to ask me a direct question. I won’t say a word about you robbing the bank, I can sit through hours of discussion about who might have robbed the bank without given any indication of what I know. Just so long as nobody asks me “Do you know who robbed the bank?”

The killer is when I am particularly emotional about something. If I have heard some bad news about which I am supposed to be discrete and someone just happens to catch me when I seem upset and asks why, then it is as good as told. Which of course is a great problem, because bad news secrets are the most sensitive secrets there are. Fortunately I am not often burdened with bad news secrets, I have never been let down by my own confidants and bad news is usually only a secret for a short time; the dying person dies, the job is lost, the illness becomes visibly apparent, the struggling marriage fails - or indeed mends such that it doesn’t matter who knows about the bad patch.

Of course, I do manage to lie, but I lie very badly. I don’t understand this as I used to be able to act pretty well. Most of it is guilt, I think; whenever I lie I feel like I am assaulting the person to whom I am lying. It doesn’t matter if they’ll never know, it feels like a betrayal. Even when it comes to arranging surprises or buying presents for people, it is far easier to say, “I can’t tell you; it’s a secret.” than to use the simplest most plausible excuse.

Fortunately, the most successful lies are told, not through clever use of eye contact, tone of voice and body language, but simply because the recipient of the lie does not expect to be lied to. Most of the secrets that I am ever required to keep are ones which nobody suspects a thing about anyway and when they have asked, I have delivered the most clunky wooden fibs, lines far less convincing than “Is it raining? I didn’t notice.” at the end of Four Weddings and a Funeral (surely the most badly-delivered line in the history of film?) and the conversation has moved smoothly onwards.

This makes me pretty good at covering up for friends who are up to all sorts of mischief and indeed, my own mischief when I have the opportunity to get up to some. Unfortunately (or perhaps not), I will never be able to lie to AJ about anything. I used to be able to a bit on trivial matters, but it's gone completely now. Cannot be done.

Hmm. This post is necessarily obfuscated. It may sound like I am talking about nothing at all, but it is good to get out of the system.

Alexander looking alarmedIn other news, Alexander has been involved in his first rock’n’roll car crash! Fortunately he remained asleep throughout, whilst his father sustained whiplash. Still gives me an excellent excuse to post this picture of Alexander looking somewhat alarmed in a rather fetching cardigan.

In a less dramatic nephew-related development, Alexander told me (literally, he gabbled on for some time before his mother translated) than he has a his first tooth coming through. Apparently it bothered him a little but now he is quite happy with it.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

The fourth, the fifth, the minor fall and the major lift

My ability to appreciate music has returned this weekend which is rather wonderful and a sure sign that my brain is coming back on-line. Phew! There is a great temptation to embark on a tremendous catch-up exercise with all the e-mails I owe and all the blogs I want to write, but I have lots to do between now and Wednesday when we head down South and my head is still pretty muzzy.

The computer will travel with me, so even if I don't write again before I go, I will be around.

In the meantime, Sage and Ballastexistenz both wrote something about perfection and perfectionism this weekend. Completely different angles, but both well worth reading.

Friday, November 03, 2006

The Disability Hierarchy

Feeling a little brighter now, thank you. Cogs in motion, but could probably do with a little mental WD40.

I wrote a post last Friday about the disability hierarchy; the way in which not only are disabled people subject to discriminatory treatment as a group, but that some disabled people are treated with far more discrimination than others. I was feeling very foggy that day and decided that being a sensitive and complex subject, I should take it down and sit on it until I was feeling brighter. I've sat on it for a week and edited it some, but if you have read something very similar to this before, my apologies. I also hope to goodness that it makes sense.

Since last week, Blue at the Gimp Parade has posted a bit about this, describing some of the recent events that contributed to my wanting to post on this.

Blue attempts to separate out the issue of legitimacy out from the other ways in which we are rated against one another. I don’t think this is possible. I feel the main issue, as with all hierarchies that are applied to groups who experience discrimination, is to do with manageability. Which of this group, who people feel uncomfortable about, are more or less manageable.

For other groups, the issue of manageability is usually about conformity to a type. Historically, we have liked gay men who conform to stereotype; camp entertainers, eccentrics. Only when they want to behave like 'normal' people have we felt threatened; we can’t easily identify them, you see. Conversely, our society positively revels in depictions of lesbianism, so long as the women defy the stereotype to look and behave like the epitome of heterosexual femininity. Preferably without any clothes on.

In the context of disability, manageability is tied up primarily with worthiness, of which legitimacy is only part. After all, disabled people are such a diverse group of people that the entire existence of any hierarchy rests with the medical or charity model of disability. If disability is a purely an issue of medical dysfunction and need, if we are seen as people with disabilities* and the problems belong to us as individuals, then the individual is fair game to be assessed for worthiness by society. As we are not a society of doctors, medical fact and functional impairment don’t have a great deal of bearing on the assessments we make.

Our contradictory attitudes towards mental health are perhaps the best illustration of this. On the one hand, we doubt the legitimacy of mental ill health; those people are lazy or lack moral fibre and should pull themselves together. That mental health can stop a person being able to work, to care for themselves to get about without help - that mental health can cause as severe a degree of functional impairment as any physical condition there is - well, we don't buy it. On the other hand, there is great nervousness about people with mental ill health, especially combined with other social factors; in the UK, black men are six times more likely to be sectioned (forcibly detained) under the Mental Health Act than anyone else. People with severe mental ill health may be considered legit, but they are considered unmanageable. Thus people with mental ill health are often completely excluded from discussions about disability.

A more subtle example involves weight. Lots of disabled people are overweight for the obvious reason that the less exercise you get and the less choices you have about diet, the heavier you are likely to be. However, being noticeably tubby automatically calls legitimacy into question because we associate weight with laziness; it’s not that you can’t fulfil this task, you just can’t be arsed. Even where impairments are acknowledged, because weight is something we can see, because we understand weight as an effect of 'gluttony' and one that effects health, we are likely to assume that at least part of your ‘disability’ is self-inflicted. And in any case, weight also makes a person look rather comfortable; we like our people with disabilities to look in need.

Conversely, we don’t like them to look too bad. The recent controversy over Michael J. Fox’s television appearance strikes me not about whether he purposely failed to minimise the effects of his condition, but the fact that he allowed himself to be seen shaking and with slurred speech. Such visibility makes us uncomfortable. Speech impairments and other communication issues make us uncomfortable. Dribbling, sudden movements and deviance from social protocols make us uncomfortable. This has nothing to do with legitimacy; it’s just not cute, it’s not manageable.

For some reason, I make people feel uncomfortable when I use a manual wheelchair. My arms being as useful as my legs, I cannot self-propel. So in situations where I need a wheelchair but cannot transport or hire a power-chair, I need to be pushed. Whilst in other circumstances, being a wheelchair-user affords me immense social privilege above the other 95% of disabled people who are not wheelchair-users**, being unable to take responsibility for my own movement sends some sort of message which means that folks are much less likely to make eye-contact or to speak to me directly. This effect is compounded if my pusher is the right age to be my parent – I guess people must wonder if I couldn’t have been shrunk for their convenience.

I really could go on with examples of the subtle and not-so-subtle ways these judgements are made, all of the time, and sometimes by disabled people themselves (I recently read an article where someone with physical impairments complained of being treated like a retard with leprosy - fantastic!).

If disability is seen as a social experience, then people are qualified not by the degree of dysfunction of by the palatability of their medical diagnoses, but by their social and political experiences as people who happen to have impairments of one type of another. No person with dyslexia could compete with someone with spinal cord injury on sheer pathos, but there are contexts in which a person with dyslexia is more disabled than a person with SCI. As a wheelchair-user, there are many instances in which I am far less disabled than someone who is able to walk further than I am but with pain or other difficulty.

Since this definition of disability varies massively according to context, it is pretty much impossible to say who is more or less disabled – although certainly some of us are more often and more profoundly disabled than others. Personally, I have a moderate degree of impairment, but since I hardly ever go out, I am not nearly as disabled as a lot of people with relatively minor impairments who have to tackle transport, the workplace, colleagues, shops and other public buildings on a daily basis.

The very thing that disabled people are fighting against is being judged according to impairment as opposed to the content of our character. Any kind of hierarchy, any speculation about authenticity of an individual disabled person goes directly against that.


* I don't mean to suggest that those who adopt people first language have such a view of disabled people, but the phrase people with disabilites inevitably defines disability as a problem with the individual. See also A brief guide to the language of disability.

** This is naturally a controversial statistic according to how one defines the wheelchair-user and how one defines the disabled person. 4 or 5% of disabled people being wheelchair-users were the most common stats I found - the highest was 8%, the lowest 3%.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Status: Disconnected

We are heading down south this time next week and I’m not going to get my book finished before then. Still, I have made quite a bit of progress and restored some of my lost confidence in the end being in sight. The reasons it hasn’t worked…

It hasn’t worked because I have had a cold on and off for the last month, accompanied many days of thick fog where very little could be achieved. It hasn’t worked because my good days aren’t quite as consistently good as I thought they might be. And it hasn’t worked because the less mental energy I have, the greater proportion of that energy I feel compelled to use on communication.

I have been pondering this latter truth, especially during the last few days where I have felt as if several of my wires have been pulled. I miss being able to communicate more than I miss being able to work. Part of this is the fact that when I can do as much as this, as much as I am doing today – these paragraphs it has taken all day so far to write – then to do the same on my book would be a drop in the ocean. And anyway, I might decide to rewrite that completely on a brighter day, whereas I won’t have to revisit this ever again.

Part of it is this particular type of boredom that descends. It isn’t restlessness, because it is very easy to occupy my little brain. Only it is not easy to occupy it in any meaningful way. I might spend my time watching favourite films, but I won’t follow the plot and will struggle to get involved. I listen to comedy programmes on the radio and I don’t get any of the jokes (uh… comedy programmes I might otherwise laugh at, that is). And yet it’s not as if I am in a depression where I have lost interest in anything, so I get very frustrated. I need to engage with other people in some little way.

Which is a great irony. On an exceptionally good day, I might happily lock myself up with my work and not think of other people. On a bad day, when I am least able to communicate and completely unable to hold a meaningful conversation, I want that more than anything.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

The Horn of my Salvation

I have no idea why I felt inclined to write about this, but I did.

My sister Rosie played recorder when she was at primary school. The recorder has a bad name; one most often hears it played by small children who can only play three notes and that’s very slowly, but it is a truly gorgeous sound when played competently. Then at the beginning of high school, Rosie took up the French Horn.

A French HornThe French Horn is an excellent instrument to encourage a child to play. For one thing, it doesn’t make horrible noises when one is first trying to get a noise out of it – it is not easy, but the worst you can produce is make a huffy-puffy wheezing noise or a loud low fart; you can’t attract stray cats to your window sill like you can when learning a violin or clarinet. But best of all it boasts the advantages of being a rather unpopular musical instrument (especially among girls) and often having relatively simple parts in orchestral pieces. This means that a much lower level of skill is required to get into an orchestra and to begin playing proper music with other people than you need with your strings and woodwind. This in turn is a very effective and fulfilling form of practice and improves the playing pretty quickly.

Unfortunately, it is rather unromantic. Even when a person gets good at it, they are still too often shoved at the back of the stage playing rather simple baselines. And then there is the issue of the spit valve. The instrument is a cold brass tube and is played by effectively blowing tight-lipped raspberries into it. Inevitably, there is condensation.

It was on BBC Radio Suffolk one Christmas Eve that a brass band Rosie was in was playing Christmas Carols. During a break, the presenter interviews some of the band. “So what’s your name?”

“Rosemary,” she says in her soft little voice.

“And what is it that I saw you doing just now?”

“I was just emptying all my spit out onto the floor.”

Rosie took her horn all around Europe with various youth orchestras and bands; Spain, Hungary, Germany, the Czech Republic and Saltzburg, Austria, birthplace of her idol. Rosemary actually had a little portrait of Mozart stuck to the inside of her pencil tin. It was really quite unhealthy.

I was dragged, by my hair, to many concerts as a teenager and not every one was an unrivalled pleasure. I have actually attempted to count the bricks in the walls of several music venues across East Anglia. And it didn’t even seem to be for Rosie’s benefit since I could rarely see her or make out which notes she was playing.

But then there was going to be a big school concert at the Ipswich Corn Exchange (we were a strange school; we had a proper purpose built theatre, but we were always holding concerts elsewhere, at Snape Maltings or the Corn Exchange). It was Rosie’s last year at school and they were going to play Mozart’s Horn Concerto #4 in E Flat Major. This is the one you think of if you can only think of one Horn Concerto. The third movement is a very famous Rondo to which you can sing these lyrics, should you be so inclined.

Mum and I came with Rosie to find a frock for her big solo. We went in all these incredibly posh dress shops, the sort where you get served coffee while you’re waiting for someone to try stuff on. But it was hopeless; there were short dresses which were inappropriate, long dresses that just looked wrong on an eighteen-year-old and most of them were black, which isn’t really the thing for a soloist. We gave up and on the way home we popped into a charity shop, where hanging by the door was the most ridiculous flouncey red dress one could ever envisage.

This dress was a little extreme. It had presumably been a bridesmaid dress circa 1987, but it was scarlet, the colour of pillar-boxes. And it was very… full. It had big puffy sleeves, a big flounce around the shoulders and a big silly skirt. Really honestly, this was not a dress that ought to have looked all right on anyone in any circumstances.

And yet there we are a few days later in the Ipswich Corn Exchange, up strikes the orchestra and out she comes in a blaze of bright red and brass. And she looked incredible. And she sounded incredible. And in all the many and tedious concerts I had attended, I had never seen a soloist looking so much at ease or playing so perfectly. And in all the many and tedious works of Mozart I had been subject to, none of them had ever sustained my attention for twenty minutes before.

Tragically, it was one of the last times I heard Rosie play horn at all. She developed Repetitive Strain Injury in her wrist half way through her music degree and not only had to significantly reduce her playing, but she had to endure all the obvious jokes about horny students knackering their wrists. But as is very often the case, there was a silver lining...

White shoes? With a green coat?The RSI meant that Rosie had to use her voice as the main instrument with which to complete the practical part of her degree, and it was through her incessant warbling that she met choirmaster and organist extraordinaire, Adrian. With her horn and his remarkable organ, it was only a matter of time before they got together and produced the musical sensation that is Alexander. And they all lived happily after, with the horn making an occasional return whenever a local orchestra decides to perform The Planets (which you need several horns for, apparently).

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Balls to the environment

I have funky new toys, but really they are very sensible items for performing a sensible task and reducing the amount of pollution I am responsible for.

They are Ecoballs (on your right) and Dryer balls (left). Really I ought to hold off posting about these because I haven't thoroughly tested them, but they do look really cool.

These promise to do away with the need for washing powder, fabric condition and the resultant pollution was well as saving on the electricity required for rinsing and to dry clothes in a tumble-dryer (which we have to use). They also purport to be much better for sensitive skin, to cut down on the need for ironing and reduce the amount of fluff generated.

Yes, it does sound rather amazing...

The Ecoballs cost me £24.50 and my Dryer Balls £6.99 from the Ethical Superstore (they've gone up in price since, sorry). The Ecoballs are supposed to last 1000 washes. My box of washing powder is supposed to last thirty washes at £3.74, totally about £125 for 1000 washes, £175 with fabric conditioner. So the economics make a lot of sense, assuming both manufacturers have been equally generous with their estimates.

Plus, the Dryer Balls are supposed to reduce the required drying time by 25% and reduce the need for ironing. We very rarely iron anything, but given how often the Dryer is in use and given that a Tumble-Dryer needs a lot of energy to do its thing, I should be saving a significant amount of electricity and some pennies as a result.

And naturally, you're adding no chemincal pollutants to the sea.

Only trouble is, I don't really understand the science in either case, not enough to be completely and utterly convinced by them. Ionised oxygen, apparently. I know what that means but I don't know enough about how that's supposed to clean things. I bought them because I had read so many good reviews and no negative ones. I will let you know how I get on.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Music To Watch Patients By #2

As mentioned previously, my doctor's surgery have been known to play a bizarre selection of music to patients in the waiting room. When we arrived this morning they were playing something very cheerful, which was a little like the Gollywog's Cakewalk but not - you know the sort of thing I mean; a little too springy for that early in the morning to be honest. But then...

Oh Fortuna! Velut luna
Statu variabilis!

Orff's Carmina Burana is not the sort of music you should be playing to patients, some of whom are going to be feeling pretty grim, others of whom may already be on edge waiting for the results of tests. I know they don't teach Latin any more, but the gist of that particular lyric would elude very few of us.

So I have since been thinking about even more inappropriate tracks to play to patients in waiting rooms. Here are my first ten songs. Feel free to suggest more - if I have enough, I may burn a compilation CD and give it to them next time I'm up there.
  1. Killing Me Softly - Roberta Flack
  2. Girlfriend in a Coma - the Smiths
  3. Somewhere a Clock is Ticking - Snow Patrol
  4. You're Tender and You're Tired - Manic Street Preachers
  5. The Drugs Don't Work - The Verve
  6. I die: You die - Gary Numan
  7. Knocking on Heaven's Door - Bob Dylan
  8. Another One Bites the Dust - Queen
  9. But I might die tonight - Cat Stevens, and also in arguably worse taste:
  10. I can't keep it in - Cat Stevens (I can't keep it in, no I can't keep it in, I've got to let it out...)