On Rudolph

I love this time of year. I love the holiday cheer, the good will towards men, peace on earth, everything.

I especially love Christmas specials. Like Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

Watching it recently, however, I noticed a disturbing fact. None of the other reindeer - you know, the ones who made fun of Rudolph, the ones who wouldn't let him play in their reindeer games - none of the other reindeer learned any lesson at all!

Rudolph learns that he's special and should be proud of his unique gift of a glowing nose. But Rudolph saves Christmas. If he hadn't saved Christmas, they'd still be making fun of him.

Santa hauls his fat sack* over to Rudolph, begging Rudolph to guide his sleigh through the treacherous snowstorm. Suddenly, everyone loves Rudolph. Now y'all need Rudolph. Now, Rudolph is great. Where was Santa when those punk reindeer were picking on poor Rudolph? Jiggling like a bowl of jelly somewhere.

Rudolph saves Christmas and then all the reindeer love him. Because he proved his worth. I call shenanigans! Why does Rudolph have to prove anything? He didn't pick on anyone, THEY did. Rudolph doesn't need their love and respect. They're still douche bags. They should have been nice to him BEFORE he saved all their hides. They'll probably just pick on some other "freaky" looking reindeer and mock him, now.

That special should end with the reindeer cheering Rudolph and Rudolph telling them to shove it.

"Too late, reindeer. Too late."

And then he flies off with his hot reindeer girlfriend and he lives happily ever after.

And when a snowstorm cancels the next Christmas, the other reindeer will realize they screwed up. Big time.

"We should have been nicer to Rudolph, man," they'll think to themselves.

And Santa will whip 'em good for making a mess of everything.

"Look what you did, you intolerant beasts! You drove away the only reindeer who could get us through the storm! YOU'VE RUINED CHRISTMAS!" WHAP!

That'll learn 'em. That'll learn 'em, good.

This is probably why I'll never write a Christmas Special.

*of toys. His sack of TOYS. Ya crazies.