rockin' my world.: May 2006

ACT.429 - i need time . lots of time .

i just reviewed a bit of the modules for common test . i say it's crazy , how can i get so much of stuff into my tiny brain ? it's really crazy , i say it's the most craziest exam i ever had .

5 papers in 5 days . and i have to go for the finals in momo on wed nite . so that means i have almost 5 hrs lesser to study .

haiz . why did i go get myself into more trouble . what was i thinking .

and now .. i can't find the motivation to study . i'm tired out so easily , ARRRGGGGH .

quickly end this 2 weeks of torment . pls .

ACT.428 - the hard period begins .

haha , this one of the only pics i took with may anne .

of cos , from left 2 right . me , dilun [ may anne's bf ] , and may anne , and edwin .

haha , we rarely take any pics together . almost none . haha , or shld i phrase it this way , i RARELY take pictures . hahaha .

the time when i only flooded the camera was during my ncc days , or ncc outings . haha , i miss the 46th CLTS . we haven't met for 2 plus years . =(

intense studying begins , 5 papers . 1 paper each day . hai . that totally sucks . and these modules are not easy .

after that , 2 weeks break , 5 days a week training i guess , and lots of projects lined up for me .

haha , it's ok , cause i LOVE WORK . =)

ACT.427 - the absence of someone .

ok , one week away from common test . and i'm glad i'm back on track .

There isn't any study break this time , so time is totally precious . can't afford to lose any .

hahahaha , I HAVEN'T GAME for years . =) and i rather watch discovery channel on my newly subscribed CABLE . which will only last for a month . cause it's WORLD CUP . doubt i have time to watch it anyway . projects and db training will be flooding my 2 week break .

i watched X men 3 ytd . was pretty all right , but xmen 2 was great . Da vinci code was ok ... but i read the book , so i understood the entire thing . haha , great to see my idol in 2 movies . Ian Mckellen . a.k.a GANDALF . haha.

June race is just a mth away . i can't believe time passed so fast . there's no more time to lose .

i've made up my mind . no such bullshit will happen to me again , if i stopped it right at the beginning . am i right , may anne ? i suppose u can't agree more to this statement .

hen xiang ni.

ACT.426 - true to ur heart.

after training , i went to may anne's place for her bd party as well as her bf's . You see , their bds fall very close to each other . haha , that is so lucky . =)

anyway, i thought the food was great . haha . had my fill , SHIOK !

haha , but it's great seeing u again somehow . although we didn't talk much , because i know you gotta entertain other guests , i dun know , i felt kind of glad . =) great day , though tired .

pathways set by angels and demons. i don't know what leads behind each.

ACT.425 - for who i am .

i'm getting a lot of attention now . which was something i wanted in the past . But i've realised , i dun need the attention .

suddenly i'm hearing stories about girls from almost the weirdest places , liking me , or asking my friends about me . and it's all based on looks .

I don't like this kind of attention . although i wished for attention the past few years .

I want people to know me for who i am , like me as a friend for who i am .

and most imptly .. i want mutual love.

ACT.424 - caught in the middle of two worlds.

i'm a HAPPY BOY ! i've recieved a letter from my director .. i'm top ten percent ! NTU BABY ! uni is not a dream anymore =)

all my plans for the future can finally progress . i'm so glad . and i still want to set up my company with u , edwin ! i can't do anything without such a smart and intelligent man .

and yes , i'm not a really happy boy .

I wanna say , i'm sorry , whatever i said , sounded really bad . But it's so not me , i've realised . but i guess i can salvage nothing .

Friends for now .

Well , db and studies are my priority now . getting back on track once again . =)

NTU NTU NTU ! i am finally on my way . =)

ACT.423 - just let go .

if it's not true , then let go of him . Don't lead him on and get him sucked into the whirlpool again .

he's getting on well with it , but you've come back . even i'm confused . so tell me , what is it that u want ? is it true , or not true .

ACT.421 - LET GO .

i had a real bad day . my fucking agent freaking yelled at me for aeons about my newly cut hair . Frankly speaking , i think it's great and nice . But a mother fucker disagrees .

i'm getting out of the modelling scene . for good . i rather earn my pay , slowly and thru low paying wages , then do modelling . and pls , BUG OFF .

Stop interfering with my personal life , my love life , my private space , my everything .

Why was i so fucking dumb to agree to join the competition .

who i wanna date , who i wanna see , who i wanna woo , who i wanna flirt , who i wanna play , is it ur business ?

IF I PLAY GIRLS , what can u do ?

IF I WANNA WOO THAT GIRL , what can u do ?

IF I LOVE THAT GIRL , what can u do ? turn me into gay like u ?

fuck off , mother fucker .

ACT.420 - Love me.

let me feel warmth in the heart again.

ACT.419 - when the going gets tough .

i need my faith.

ACT.418 - the aftermath of a incredible nightmare.

it's been a long time since i have had a nightmare . and it only occurred in a extra 2 hr nap .

and my headache intensity grew after i woke up .

as least i woke up and find things the same as they are . this is crazy.

ACT.417 - RAGE RAGE RAGE .

i swear i will make u pay. burn in hell , asshole.

ACT.416 - fly away from here . with you .

was uber ultra tired today . i reached sch at 730 am , and slept on the bench til 755 . class starts , and i'm sleeping already . i slept all the classes , and during the break , i went to the library to sleep after gym . haha . i'm very very tired today .

i looked at the mirror today in the gym , and there was no energy in my eyes . =/

haha , i went out with cindy today and scouted the entire orchard for something nice . of cos , we did our own shopping too =p

life's been nice . except for the night . i haven't been sleeping well . headaches and headaches . mum and dad are worried mad. But i'm sure it's nothing . =)

da vinci code and posseidon ! must watch ! people have been asking me out for da vinci and i haven decided who to go with . haha . what a mess .

i hope it's for real this time.

ACT.415 - the measure of a man.

decided to blog again , for the sake of somebody . and besides , i guess my blog and my bestie's blog is the best way of our updating method with each other .

i kind of enjoyed the last 2 days . had real fun with the guys and girls , except for the existence of some arsehole . But everything was cool and nice . i bet , we all love ken a.k.a mr vain ! =)

watched Voice , a korean horror movie , and yeah , my belief still stands . Korean horror movies , can never make it . hahahaha . and walked around Marina Sq and it's HUGE . and the best part is , a new ZARA BRANCH ! totally cool .

walked to the esplanade , and i saw the site of June Race . I could picture , us , the ngee ann guys , rowing our hearts out and all that . Then walked further down to Singapore river, and that's River regatta ! haha , more memories . Where ngee ann was knocked down by another poly's boat , where we had our tears .

i cherish those memories . very much so . and this is my last year already . i'll regret for life , if we fail our promise .

anyway , i had a nice time talking to u about each other and all that . haha , sorry that we have to run ard cause we gotta avoid someone who can really spoil our day . =) lovely weekend .

Lately , 3 words have been on my mind . faith . courage . and fear . I definitely don't know which way to go now . only faith and courage will bring me the desired happiness i want .

to edwin. : the past is over and done with . we start walking this journey of life once again , starting a brand new chapter . Things may have been different , but i promise you , this friendship will never end . You're a friend , i cherish most. i'll stand by your side wherever you go . =)

ACT.414 - the world is not enough .

right now , i wish i have a bike . to go to sch of course and all that convenience . and when i actually get a bike , i want a car . just a simple Toyota will do .

When i get my toyota , i say i want a toyota Celica . and when i get one Celica , i will tell myself i need a faster car .

This world is never enough for us . and to mention , it will never be fair .

Gi kian's finally back from US , we had fun meeting up with the guys , and we loved the trip home . our 2 taxis were totally speeding , from 120-140km/h. missed the feeling of cruising speed . =) and we were totally bullshitting along the way with the taxi driver .

i taught someone a method i should never recommend . but it was my last resort , we didn't have time . race was coming . and it's one of the worst ways ever , and only some can achieve . and apparently , because we are so similar , he's capable.

we're moving on . glad to see that .

well, i can't judge what's right and what's wrong anymore . i'm losing hold of the devil inside . but who cares , i dun have time to waste.

speed is the solution to all worries and troubles. just for a while.

ACT.413 - the end of it.

i guess i'm quiting competitive gaming . and also , gaming . i thought , that there was much out there for me to do too . =)

days have been great . training and gym lately , and there are aches all over my body , but it all felt good . =) JUNE RACE BABY .

haiz . regretted joining the competition . waste my 3 days . waste 2 trainings . i rather give up that tiny weeny bit of popularity or rather fame , and go for training . i mean , these dun mean anything to me at all . and i think i'm wasting time at the competition , i doubt i can win .

never mind lah , just freaking go lah . =\

GI KIAN IS COMING BACK TODAY . i wanted to go fetch him , but dad's still not back from work now , and i'm scared of TP . hahahahaha .

ACT.412 - the devil inside of me rages .

smiling to myself , i can't believe it . yeah , i got it . i get the picture .

so the new revolution begins eh ? girls are players , boys are losers .

i thought deep about what u said to me . everything didn't make sense . for no reason , why can things turn out to be like that . and it seems like my dude here didn't realise any of the problems u have mentioned .

and yes , he's a sensitive guy . he's not so stupid to overlooked such a huge matter .

Makes no sense . makes no sense . until today .

the picture forms up now . cause i didn't get hold of the most important fact / detail .

so ,i'm smiling to myself now . you got me tricked . high level skill there , u know ?

this is what they call , devil in disguise of an angel .

but i guess there's no stopping of it . i hope the GOD , u believe in , enlighten u some day .

i am speechless to ur doings . u should be utterly ashamed of urself. so tell me where is God to do justice.

ACT.411 - caught in the middle .

these few days haven't been feeling good . i was kind of caught in the middle , and the saddest part is to break news to the other . that didn't felt good at all .

it made me like a messenger for the devils from hell below . But i brought the reality to hit u right at the face because i wanted you to move on . and you tried , in a very optimistic way . and i'm so glad .

it's gonna be a rough journey , trust me . the fragment of all the memories are forced to be erased one by one , but there's no other way of moving on other than doing that . i'm happy you've realised the importance of your friends , dragonboat , and everybody else . they are a great source of motivation , trust me .

This period is gonna really hurt for you , but we have no more time . 24 june , bedok reservoir . it's coming . and the boys and i have no more time , it's our last june race . We swore to ourselves , we're gonna make it this time . for what we have lost . Things doesn't look so bright , but we are trying our best . and i know you are giving it all too .

so my day was pretty fine . normal school , and sleeping in school , gymming in school and all that . was a rather happy day . =)

the competition's cool and all that , with great guys and GREAT girls . it was the first time , able to see most who were pretty and nice looking girls in one grp .

and the finals land on my common test week . W T F . but never mind , it's a chance for me to groom time management ! hahaha .

ACT.410 - wish for someone to make my day.

i woke up with a terrible start this morning . mum yelling at me , continuously , asking me to get up . i'm still so tired , i didn't wanna get out of bed . and it went on and on , and it drove me crazy . no negotiation was allowed .

and there wasn't a very good reason for waking me up , the reason is : " HEY ! YOU HAVE TO WAKE UP ! ! "

and after waking up , eating breakfast . i wanted to game for a while , and the yelling starts once again . GO MOP THE FLOOR ! wah kao , i must have offended all the gods on this earth .

Mop finish the floor , finally , i can game . then joined my family in the living room for the movie Huo Yuan Jia / FEARLESS . then halfway thru , go game . and in a while , HEY ! GO BATHE !

wah , stop fucking yelling , cause i dun have 2 days off a week . SATURDAY IS DB day and that means it's a real tiring day for me , and sunday is the only day off . and dun spoil it for me like that .

so we were supposed to go have a dinner with grandpa , a pre- mother's day dinner . and my dad was down there mumbling to my mum , WE DUN NEED TO GO WITHOUT HIM . HE CAN GAME ALL DAY .

the thing is , when the exams are coming , or project deadlines are coming , I DUN HAVE FUCKING TIME TO SLEEP enough , i get to sleep only max 5 or 4 hrs everyday . so i'm trying to appreciate my day and this period when it's off season for school. GAME AND SLEEP . that's what i do now . and in a while , i have to get busy with school and all that . SO GIVE ME THE TIME TO RELAX , will ya ? I SLOG MYSELF OUT THERE To get all the bullshit into my head , and think ,decide and form up the project . i can choose to be a fucking loser , not to study , and neglect the chance to go to a uni . but my only motivation is my family .

i dun wish to game . but bcos right now , my life is so meaningless and i'm just like a piece of rotten wood , floating in the pacific ocean . It's only in gaming , that i can kill my spare time . LOOK , i dun date . i dun club . i dun play pool . i dun hang out with a gang and whack people up . I dun find smoking or drinking buddies . all i do is study , dragonboat , and sleep .

sometimes , i really wish to do many things that seemed inappropriate . Yes , you got it . smoke , have tattoos , earrings , and a lot more . i just wish to be so ignorant about what i'm going face in the future , the professional working world .

my family doesn't understand me . and they claim i dun open up . but even if i opened up , they never ever gave me practical advice and usually try to bullshit me off about it .

IF FINDING A GF IS THAT EASY , i already have one . IF THE REASON I DUN HAVE A GF IS THAT BECAUSE I AM NOT CARING ENUF OR LOVING , or that i am fucked up , you are so wrong .

I put all my heart in , for a girl . and what i get ? crap . crap . crap and more CRAP . u never get it , don't u ? so stop asking me about the girlfriend shit . No , i'm not gay . u dun have to worry .

when my grades suck , you only know how to scold me . when i got reasonably good results , u just said : " Ok . " HEY , THAT'S IT ? ! and to think that you all are my pillar of motivation . you crushed my source of motivation .

i'm already god damn it 19 . stop treating me like a kid , and maybe i must tell u , i'm not dumb . your kid is not dumb . respect me as a young adult please .

anyway , so i'm back to modelling . I guess i dun have much of a choice . just go for it . and this time , it's some international competition . not too sure about the details cause i dun bother to write down the venues and times for the previews and so on . i only know , next week vesak day , in civic plaza . i'll do it for the sake of $$$ .

and i have to rush to a rehearsal just now after dinner . WOOT . A SUNDAY WASTED . thanks to crap in the morning and afternoon throughout the house and a dinner . and work .

what a day .

ACT.409 - you've lost ur heart.

training was not that pleasant . things didn't go very well according to what we expected . june race is only 8 weeks later . our last june race . we dun have time to play.

i saw u again today . there's no more warmth in ur heart . i sense no single happy moment in ur day . i dun know what's going on , but i hope things go according to what u believed in . going through it all is not easy , but it's something you've gotta learn .

i've decided i have no right to judge anything , or criticise any party . i am just an outsider . and all i can do is support u . all the best .

it hits right back to me . losing ur heart . it dates back then . i'm so glad and appreciative of the life i'm leading . No problems , no worries . no heavy heart . =) life is great now .

and all i wish , is to see you again . mazda rx-7.

ACT.408 - emptiness takes its place.

today is friday and that means , WONG SOON FATT's lesson again ! haha , i didn't die and that's great . =) 3 hours could kill .

anyway , i went out with jx , edwin leong and tx , ate dinner and caught a lame movie at e2 max ! haha , cheap cheap , 16 bucks , dvd plus a comfy room . wanted to catch daisy but some arse already watched liao. -.- i really wanna catch that show sia .

suddenly , i dun have the mood for everything . esp gaming . i dun feel like gaming anymore . and i dun feel like going sch anymore . i dun feel like doing work and all that .

anyway , saw pame at orchard today . haha , i am totally amazed by how she recognised me . just by my back view . haha . finally we talked again , cause she is always not free for supper . hahahaha .

school's getting intense again . gotta buck up.

ACT.407 - you and i . collide

i went back to training today , missed training on tuesday cause i was a sick boy , but was at home , struggling my time between dota and CS . hahahhaah .

ok , so although i still feel unwell , i felt it wasn't a good enuf reason to stop me from coming to DB . =)

although i've got my new shoes , that really could GRIP , but my body wasn't able to perform at all . sucks . haha .

recently , the world around me is chaotic . everybody's having problems , but i'm kind of lucky to be not involved in anything . =) haha , it feels so great when there are no problems.

YES , i've finally resumed my life , right before my 2nd year 1st semester . haha , and i appreciate this type of life so much . no troubles , no worries . just purely , ME ME ME . =)

to Val : i'm just so stereotyped now . let me be for a while ,i'll get back on the right track.

ACT.406 - it's time to say goodbye.

i had a rough day . maybe i shld just take a step back and say : " HEY ! i dun know anything . "

something inside is bugging me . something inside tells me , things ain't right .

i think the reality monster is gonna hit soon . very soon . and i hope all that fog that is covering the picture reveals soon .

the questionable 3 words.

ACT.405 - the good guys get burnt.

so i get the idea now . i think about it , lying on my bed . staring at the ceiling wide awake . i don know what the fuck happened , or what wrong did my guy did .

I couldn't get it off my mind . even on the way to the doctor's .

Finally , i understand . so it's a trend eh ? or is it a curse ?

ruling out all the possibilities , i've realised . it's the good guys who get burnt and hurt . all . not even one spared .

no , i'm ok . i'm just worried about a friend . a buddy . June Race is coming . there's no time to lose . there's not even a second to lose track . and i know , the more he keeps it inside , the more he will go mad .

it's ok if it's just me who gets the shit . but not my buddies . they don't fucking deserve this bullshit from girls . who said the men are players . fuck u all .

arrrrrggghh . anger is taking over me . i know i'm in no right to comment on anything , cause i know nothing at all . But it's just boiling down inside me . and hatred is once again taking its place.

ben , you've gotta chill . if not this freaking guy will go bonkers.

I was looking forward for you to be in the boat with us in June Race . But you tell me , you're giving it up for now. I know , your world is in a frenzy right now , it's almost crazy . Well , i tell ya , fuck it all . I wish to help u , but if u refused to open up , there's nothing i can do .

it really breaks me within to see my dearest friend in such a situation .

u can take it from me . i've been thru it all .

wah , i can't take it , CHAO CHEE BYE . WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON THIS FUCKING WORLD . KNN . i'm going bonkers. FUCK . if whoever up there , whether it's god or guan yin or whatever FUCK SHIT , it's enuf if u wanna take it on me . WHY ALL MY FRIENDS ALL FUCKING GET IT ?

Ting xian went through so much shit . that's one . FUCK YOU UNDERSTAND .

Edwin leong fucking got played for a year ongoing . that's 2 . FUCK YOU UNDERSTAND .

Denny got brought into a spinning whirlwind world for so long . that's 3 . KAN NI NA .

so much more . and the fact we are just fucking 18 , we don't deserve it .

how many times do you have to break my heart , seeing my friends , again and again , getting played by girls . they were never winners in this god damned game .

god damn you .

our lives don't end here . there's no other option other than moving on . i know there are so many questions left unanswered , i know all this is almost crazy . i'm right here if you need me .

ACT.404 - forever love . ...... ?

forever love . i think twice about these 2 words . hmmmm , ok , so tell me again , what does it mean , cause no matter how hard i look at it , i dun understand the meaning of it .

forever love is similiar to undying love . or is , love , a name to a game ?

i don know why i feel this way . the thing i have last expected , happened . something that had a lesser probability than me becoming a dying man . i can only hope you , my dear friend , take it well . tell me you're doing good . please.

i've realised , this world is in chaos now .

i am affected . totally . i dun know why . cause i know my dear friend out there , is suffering it all alone . God damn it , i can't do anything .

yes , perhaps , i'm just lost . i know i've been a lost boy all these while . i've just been blind for so long , that i can't walk my own path .

yeah , u guessed it . u can picture me with a lot of vulgarities ard now .

i doubt this world we live in now . and only one can save us .

faith . gotta keep having faith .

rockin' my world.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Monday, May 29, 2006

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Friday, May 26, 2006

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Monday, May 22, 2006

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Friday, May 19, 2006

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Monday, May 15, 2006

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Monday, May 08, 2006

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

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