rockin' my world.

Fate . God ? ~ i have just recieved my business stats results yesterday . Total disappointment . Played by God Again . Ever since i was primary 6 , God played with me until now . He never allows me to use my intellgience . Guess u guys don't know what i'm saying . i just hate my fate . My destiny . And if God is the one up there controlling all this , he's a selfish being . ~ Hmm , celebrated Eric's birthday last week too . 4 people only but it was sure enjoyable . bought a cake last min .. haha .. long story . bought Venom REd , some alcoholic drink .. so long nv drink something like that liao .. enjoyed that day . the first outing with my poly mates . oh well , gtg , blog again soon ..

posted by Ben @ 8/31/2004 12:38:00 PM 0 Comments

It's ok if she's not with me , as long as she will be loved . ~ woohoo , working out sure makes me feel good baby . Had dragon boat ytd again .. it was tiring , crazy of course , but it was worth it . Team spirit . ~ wah lao , Singapore idol next week on thursday , and i have .. DRAGONBOAT ! can Singapore idol stop jumping dates ? ~ and i heard that shiek haikel was sacked from 98.7 ? NOOOOOO !!! morning madness going to be boring ... ~ hmm , why am i bloggin all this anyway ? for myself ? cause no one's reading this piece of crap i write everyday anyway .. oh well .. ~ bought a set of dumbells .. oh yeah ! i can kick some butt at home also ... ~ Guess i should take action soon . No time to waste . Men are not blind .

posted by Ben @ 8/15/2004 01:40:00 PM 0 Comments

Ever get sick of the song , the reason by hoobas...? cause i am ! i go everywhere in sch i can hear that song .. but it sure is meaningful . ~ That's why i need u to hear , i've found out the reason for me , to change who i used to be , a reason to start over new ... and the reason is u ! ~ but their cd cover sure looks cool .. school gonna start in 12 mins .. that sucks man .. sianz . ~ i haven't hand in my project .. my teammates also like don't care .. i'm so tired . ~ yeah , maybe sunday go see fireworks ! woo hoo ! that means i morning to afternoon must study ... hmm , i better remind myself to study man .. ~ Singapore idol . If we can really unlock the talents of Singapore . That'll be great . i mean , if we can individually go to every person and ask them to sing , i bet Singapore will do as great . ~ hmm , Singapore idol isn't a really good idea . Did Singapore's english music ever make it to the charts out there ever ? if u wanna take a career shot , it would be chinese or 2nd languages .. if u join SI knowing it's prospects and u did it for fame , then it sucks . ~ my , what am i saying ... oh well .. so tired . eyes red once again . wanna go the gym today again man . ~ Very long nv play initial d liaoz .. anyway , also waste money onez.. now the main aim is my studies and dragonboat . how i wish i can be a primary sch kid . Where days would seem like hours .. ~ Blogging off . Going for sch . Sian.

posted by Ben @ 8/13/2004 08:49:00 AM 0 Comments

Another night another day . You're still the same old brand new u . ~ Another day of dragonboat .. man , my legs almost died today .. today's training is crazy .. but i sure loved it . ~ May Anne , i'm glad that u are taking things calmly and all that , that u didn't give up on him .. yeah that's great . But remember , when u should let go , u must let go . Get it ? ~ Ever since the day i left u , i start to feel very empty in my life . Like as if , i lost the whole world . i no longer have anyone to confide to anymore . There was no one to share my joy , my downs . Lonely nights again and again . i always wanted to call u . But i still couldn't forgive u deep down inside . So i just tolerated that loneliness every night . ~ it felt real different , to have someone , whom was there for me , to share my joys and downs , and to remove her at an instant at a point of my life . it totally sucks . but i had no choice . ~ So i'm wondering , are you still you ? what reflections u had ever since the day i left u ? ~ But let me warn u again , if one day i ever go back to u , and u still take me for granted once again , sorry . No more 2nd chances . cause i believed i have gave enuf . 4/5 years of friendship down the drain . forever and ever . No more turning back . ~ i really wish , i can get a chance to talk to that girl .. but when there's always a chance , i mean , there wasn't a really good chance .. oh well .. She reminded me of someone . Someone whom i really liked in the past . someone who was my dream girl . Gentle and devoted . Pretty in my eyes of course . But never once mine . ~ Try . I believe that is what everyone say . " U never try how u know right ? " and i believed in that . i mean , why not just take a shot man ? esp when the bullet's in the air and u know u may not just hit the target , but just let it fly . Destiny and fate . They decide everything . If it doesn't hit , fate made it so . just accept it . ~ Been single for a year and 4 mths . Lonely man . Life is a game of solitaire for me . ~

posted by Ben @ 8/12/2004 10:36:00 PM 0 Comments

Turning pt of my life . ~
hmm , now in school's library , my friends went off for lunch and left me alone .. and one entire group of girls came in the same project room .. and now i feel so weird , cause i'm the only guy here ? when guys walk past , they will be like .. cursing me ? haha .. ~ at the beginning , it was only 2 girls , asking whether they could use the table .. then came in like .. 8 -10 girls ? haha .. ~ i thought they were gonna talk bout project or what .. then .. they started talking bout Elva ? Then don't know who ... Music ? what the heck .. ~ Doing EALS tutorial now .. wanna quickly revise my work .. i don't wanna fail this semester . Guess there is always a big change in every institution . Like how we handled sec sch when we just grad from primary sch , history's repeating . like also when i changed workplaces too .. ~ Missed HSBC a little .. missed my officer Amos . Talking bout my senior could be an alien ? and more .. i missed the times when i always buy newspaper, coffee and breakfast , and sit down and read the newspapers and commenting bout the world . ~ Now i don't even have time to read newspapers . No more time to play online games . No more time to watch TV . But Singapore Idol can't be missed . guessed i only watch that show ? haha .. ~ now they are talkin bout zhou jie lun .. new cd ? S$19.90 ? ~ Going to the gym today after sch , can't wait to work it all out man .. ~ So now they are still talking bout music .. now playing music . What's up with them man ? ~
so May Anne have u decided ? i tell u one thing's for sure , he ain't gonna change . i guess it's because he have many commitments and he balanced it all , i mean , NCC and U , he could have placed it at the same pt in his life . so u know what i mean ? ~ and i'm pretty suprised that until now , u still didn't make a decision . Ever relate back to why , u and i , are apart right now ? Ever think why we ain't even friends right now ? it could be stupid reasons but he was one of those reasons . But at such a status right now , u still don't agree with what i have said all this while ? i mean .. don't u feel guilty that this relationship doesn't work out , that u chosen him over me ( as a best friend and a friend ) . u allowed him to destroyed it all and see what's happening ? u get what i mean ? anyway , wish u all the best . whatever happen , it's fate . Don't be disappointed with ur life . with the guys u met . Don't think that ur life is rotten . cause u are the one that can make it turn ard . ~ a lot has happened in my life , i still don't know what kind of life i am leading . i still don't know my purpose . i need to find the answer . ~ Oh , they are still talking and talking ,playing HPs and playing music .. my my , they came all the way here to do this ?? ~ oh ya , my seniors forced me to join some community project and have to do dance .. DANCE ? i haven't done that for 3 years ? or 2 years ? my body ain't that flexible to move that good any more man .. and i have intensive DRAGON boat training around that time ! seems like i can't take a breather even during the holidays .. ~ oh , how come my brother seems so nice now anyway ? oh well , i don't care . ~ where are my friends ?! i have been stuck with these girls for so long ! and i need help on my tutorial too .. well ,blogging off le ..

posted by Ben @ 8/11/2004 12:03:00 PM 0 Comments

The misery increases . ~ I will not give out my blogger website anymore . bcos i can't really express myself when too many people knew . Yes , i like to say it all out , let's say i'm unhappy with someone , i like to shout to him in the face . telling how F*** up he is , and why . But i don't wanna spoil the friendship between us , i want the person to change , but will people think this way ? ~ i have been spending hours and hours on my stupid CIP project . so burnt out , so tired . spending about 12 hours or more . My mind is dead . i need a refresher . Going to the gym in the evening . ~ my bro is right . Poly , not every class mate is cooperative . Not every class mate is productive , contributive . Guess it's a one man world always . ~ Regretted studying last min for last year . i shouldn't be in this stupid course , i should be in Aeronautical . Mistakes . Stupid mistakes . how dumb i was . Now i realise the importance of time . i'm trying my best to motivate myself to strive hard . ~ Air Force . Mazda . 2 destinations . ~ Actually , i don't really wanna go overseas to study . i don't bear to leave my buddies , my family . it sucks when it has to go this way , just for ur future . Hope i can carve a way out here in Singapore . my Passion lies overseas , but i rather choose family , friends , country to my passion . ~ i just hate poly life right now . i need a breather . there's so much i wanna say . but there's a limit .. And that sucks .

posted by Ben @ 8/11/2004 08:51:00 AM 0 Comments

The road of misery . ~ i hate POLY LIFE ! i wish i can go back to sec sch .. what's
up man ? is poly supposed to be this BUSY ?! u know , i'm so busy that i haven't even went out , hanging out or even walking in orchard road with my friends , what the hell ! it's have been a month and a half , and i didn't even go out all this time ! all i do on sundays are to stay at home to do homework and projects , what the heck ! ~ With this type of schedule /life , i can never even have time for my gf , if one comes by that is , i don't wanna let go of dragon boat and i want time
for myself too ! how am i supposed to deal with this .. ~ What's up with my poly man ? giving us so much tutorials , projects , tests ! i wannna breathe for once .. ~ in this case , i rather be working ! i thought i was so sick of working and i rather be studying but no way man ! poly is stressing me out ! u know what ? I RATHER go to the army right now man ! ~ I'm so in need of time right now ,24 hrs is not ENUF ! i need to study , i need to do my tutorials , i need to to do my projects , i need to train my body , and i need to BREATHE ! ~ So , is it always that when u girls reject me or sth , u have to hate me or bear a grudge against me ?
~ i really don't know what i was doing ya know . I spend time cracking my brain to think of romantic incredible ways to spend birthdays with them and what do i get ? i mean that's not all ... whatever , anyway , feelings cannot be helped too .. i'm just so sick of life . ~ the other time i blogged in such a long blog and damn it , there was a problem with the admin of blogger , then it was all ..GONE ??!! seems like , i don't have any good confidiants , nor i can express myself in my blog . ~ i'm so sick of life .. so sick . is poly supposed to be like this ? i still have my dreams .. and everyday through poly life , i realised that i'm no smart guy .i'm a dumb ass instead . i cannot even understand such normal stuff of basic diploma , how am i supposed to earn big bucks to get a rx-7 ? Guess i'm not a person for the business industry or the logistics industry . i should be in aerospace or aeronautical .. ~ People always say they will be here for me , they always here to share my joy , share my downs , lend a listening ear , but they nv remember my birthdays , they never ever asked how i was , they never ever msg me in msn , they never ever sms me to find out whether i was alive and kicking .. ~ Friends are created to be forgotten ? if this is true , then what kind of world this is ? ~ God created humans , to go to heaven , and hell . What kind of a selfish God he is .. He created us to believe in him , if not , to hell we go ? this is a stupid world . ~
I need time , i realised how important is time . Precious time . ~ Amazed and mesmerized by u . i wish to get close to u , feel u. But you're on the other side of the world .

posted by Ben @ 8/10/2004 08:38:00 AM 0 Comments

am i dreaming ? or in reality ? ~ i have been feeling rather down lately .. i don't really know why .. perhaps bcos of my buddies .. or my poly friends .. oh well .. ~i feel like my friendship with my buddies are drifting apart .. derrick , edwin , everyone else .. i'm starting to feel a bit unhappy bout edwin and his girlfriend , i mean ,is it bcos u have a girlfriend u can forget about ur friends ? ur life now becomes only u and ur girlfriend ? i don't know whether it's me being too sensitive or what , but i'm pretty disappointed with him . he don't even ask us out anymore , and it's always us asking him out . i have to be frank here , u know , when i have a girlfriend , i always make sure i balance my time with my friends/buddies and my girlfriend , i will never ever let go of both worlds . it is my friends /buddies who made me to who i am today , they brought me joy and everything else , so i don't think i should let go of them and spend all my time on my gf , likewise for my gf . i don't believe she should spend all her time on me too ..U see , if she keeps going out with me and neglects her friends , the friendship drifts apart and slowly , she lost it all . And when the time comes that we cannot be together , break up , then she will be in her one man world . Who is she gonna look for consolation ? someone to talk to ? NO ONE . then she will realise she is a pathetic soul on earth . So i say friends are impt . ~ i don't know why my life is like this , but i always feel i lose my friends , my bestest friends , my good friends .. primary school , i had such a case .. i wouldn't wanna elaborate .. but it wasn't a happy feeling .. There was once , our teacher asks us to write down our best friend onto a piece of paper .. i wanted to write my dearest pal but .. he had a partner liao .. then i wrote someone else .. and when my teacher ask who my best friend was .. i couldn't say anything .. i was the only guy with no best friend .. in fact , i had one but apparently , i am not his best friend .. ~ Then came secondary sch , time to start afresh , found many good pals .. but again .. i couldn't find a best friend , someone who i can really relate with .. apparently my that best friend was in another class so we didn't have much interaction .. ~ i don't wanna say anymore , i don't wanna talk bout the past , i don't wanna talk bout the present . i've lost good friends one by one , either i lost them thanks to myself , or it's god's will . i don't understand . all these made me come to a conclusion .. i'm taken for granted . i am just a name in people's lives . i may not actually make a difference in people's lives .. and when i'm gone , i will just become a memory .. ~ but fortunately , i have very loving parents .. and i love them . i won't wanna migrate , i won't wanna get out of Singapore . and it's for their sake and i myself , cause Singapore is my home and i won't get outta here .~ guess i never really had a best friend in my life . May Anne was never my best friend , it was just in my mind , not in my life . We just claim each other to be best friends ..but no . we ain't . We took each other for granted . every year , i gave her nothing for her birthday , saying that i am busy or whatever shit .. what a friend i am . bout her , i think i have said enuf .. and i think i should end it too . oh well .. ~ i never really had someone to confide in .. to share my joy with , to have a shoulder to lean upon . People always say , that they will always be there , always lend a listening ear . Always say they remember my birthday , but they never . Even if they say they will always be there , they are people who do not really care about me too , they never asked how i was . So u expect me to confide in such people ? NEVER . ~ Well , i personally feel that i'm unique in some way . i don't really know in what way but i don't think i will be a ordinary man doing ordinary stuff when i grow up . i can't decipher the cause of my fate but i believe will understand thru time . To grow up with such a mindset , with such a character , with such drama at my teens. ~ u know , last year , when it was gonna be the o's , i really thought i've found my real buddy group , with derrick , andy they all .. but they turned out .. to be the same . and i was wondering , whether i really found my buddy grp , and in the end , it didn't last for long . ~ Polytechnic . i'm not having it well either , i'm in a class with all faces of people . Attitude , humourous , restless , smart , whatever . i don't care . i wanna go to the army soon . Air Force . ~ i guess , when we were kids , we always wished to be adults soon ,so we can have our own way of life , our freedom , fun , play games that only the adults can play , the bombastic games .. but when actually we are adults , we wanna go back to kids . we wanna study and play , we don't wanna be stressed by work . Guess that's human nature . And we can't go back time . ~ well , the more i see cars , the more i can't wait to own one . Subaru STI , Nissan 350Z , Honda Civic EG6 , Mazda Miata Mx-5. Nissan Skyline BNR34 . Mazda Rx-8 . And of course , final destination , Mazda Rx-7 . ~ but i guess , when the day really comes that i own a rx-7 , i think i will wanna change my car pretty soon , change it to a skyline , then to a ferrari , lamborghini . i guess i'm always aiming for better , never content . Need for Speed.~ Am i born to be different ? ~ hmm , sometimes , i really wish to die . Not bcos i don't wanna live anymore ,but i just wanna see , how people will take my death . Will they be sad ? will they be depressed ? will they cry ? will they regret ? will they bullshit ? will they talk about me in past tense ? ~ anyway , i hate this world , i don't understand why God created humans in such a way , but i think it's really stupid . ~ Actually , i always thought i'm alone in this world . But at least i have my parents , and i'm happy enuf . ~ Destiny , fate . no one can decipher what their fate and destiny is . ~ i have got to go , i'm not really good at what i really wanna express , but i'm not a happy man . Happy never really existed in my life ..

posted by Ben @ 8/06/2004 11:35:00 AM 0 Comments

Confused boy . ~ School , dragonboat , homework , gym , then all over again . When can i get a life ? Bball competition is coming up .. and i haven't been training hard .. too tired and lazy to train le .. ~ Losing friends one by one . Guess it's my ncc buds that i'm most comfortable with .. Thank god for Derrick , js they all .. ~ Love ? what exactly is love ? ~ i'm starting to worry bout my career .. whether i can earn just enuf for my family to live well .. i'm so determined to get a rx-7 .. but can i ? ~ Perhaps i should just lead a normal life .. oh well .. Survival of the fittest . ~ been frustrated lately .. i'm not sad , not happy . just feel like a man without a soul ..~ at least i had a happy day with derrick , edwin and gi kian .. this is like one of the few happiest days i spend in this week .. Poly is miserable ..~ Waiting , Forever waiting . For u .

posted by Ben @ 8/01/2004 02:38:00 PM 0 Comments