rockin' my world.
Sunday, February 29, 2004
What did ya say ?? ~~ Hey hey .. i said , i was a fool . Not You . I did not insult u all right ? i did not say that u were a bitch , that u should be a prostitute or what k ? and whatever i have said bout my ex stead , i was either joking or that i have just said it on impulse . I would never say that wei Ling's a bitch all right ? and even if i did , i don't think that she deserve's to be scolded that k .. ~ yes .. i do hate girls after i break up with them .. it's my nature definitely and man's nature also . But i do think back where i created my mistakes all right ? a failed relationship is definitely not only one party's fault . i don't wanna say anymore .. cause i find it pretty pointless . What bout u ? u don't love a man and yet u be with him ? u don't even respect urself .. then do u know what's love ? i really sometimes wonder why ... ~ When u become a victim , do not think back on what i have said , and what martin has said , although he has said little but it was totally sufficient . ~ My days with u are over . I shall not think of u anymore ... and my life is definitely fine . U can stay with him for all i care .. don't cry in the middle of the night , u are contradicting urself cause u chose that path urSELF !! ~ I'm glad that God revealed everything to me finally .. so that i can take this path . I shall not look back , i will only walk forward ... ~ U have just become ...a memory . ~~ Martin was right .. i just have trusted him right at the beginning . He's good at seeing through people .. no wonder he told me to give up hope and give u up .. i was dumb then ... ~~ I wonder what is god's decision for u next ? i bet there's a lot in store for u ... everyday u go in deeper .. the worse the consequences can get . ~ What's next for me ? it may not be good .. but i'm will not regret the path i took . ~ One thing .. i finally found a mistake in the relationship btw me and wei ling ... Seems like i have to correct that ... ~~ All right .. i only insulted myself , that i'm dumb , that i'm a fool . I did not insult u at all , all right ? ~ Seen the real side of me ? i tell u there is a very evil side of me ... perhaps not very but just evil . I can laugh at the end of the day when u fall .. and i just step on ur fingers while u are holding on to the edge of the cliff ... One should always accept the consequences when he / she took that path . Or should i say , whatever consequences one has recieved , he /she deserved it , good or bad . Remember this . When it's too late , one cannot turn back anymore , so turn back while u still can .
Fate . What's next ? what's my future gonna be like ? i seriously have no idea ... ~~ What is my next step ? i'm so lost ... i just wanna stay put . Don't move . I don't wanna take any more steps .. i can't make up my mind .. ~ i wish so much that i can carve out an racing career in japan !! I know Singapore .. for now don't have much prospects .. but how can i live that dream .. My parents ain't got enuf cash .. nobody there to take care of me .. i don't know Jap .. ~ guess ... i still have to make a choice . In fact .. 10 choices . ~ My results .. just show how much effort i put in .. that's right . No one is to be blamed ... ~ My results .. perhaps could be due to the fact .. that we quarrelled ? it could have been affected .. cause i know .. i am very unwell during that period .. Nah .. it's just myself that caused these . ~ i took out my hp .. dialed the no. Home ... my bro picked it up .. i said " Kor .. " then i went speechless ... i couldn't face it .. less talk to him .. Tears flowed out .. i couldn't tell him . i've let my family down ... i've disappointed them too much .. i just couldn't hold back .. i'm all torn inside . ~ I never saw this coming ... the moment i take a look at my results .. i fall straight on the floor ... i cannot take it .. it is too disappointing .. ~ i see my colleagues ... one scoring 10 points .. Larvina scoring not bad too ... i'm the only pathetic ass around ... ~ May Anne .. i guess i know what's the answer . 3 mths ... wow .. time really passes fast . Very fast ... i'm erasing u from my memory now ... i have done what i could . i have done what i should . From that day onwards , u were on ur own . Let ur friends scold me ... they think i deserve it .. but did they see what was behind the scenes ? guess .. they have only heard ur side of the story ... ~ Are u enjoying ur life with him ? answer me this qn .. and i can tell , whether u know what is love . But don't need to tell me ur answer ... cause i know it . ~ My life no longer have problems anymore .. and i finally can take a break . ~ i can't believe it .. i have bought a present for a girl instead of my bro . I have made such a silly mistake ... i must keep in mind , not to let go of family members for girls ... ~ Now i really think i'm a big big fool . To fall in love with u .. to do so much things for u . To care for u ... To dream the impossible . To be there for u every night ... To trust u so much .. To believe every word that u say . i've been a fool . Again . And . Again . ~ After this hard period .. i've forgotten the song , How did i fall in love with u , but today when i listened to it again .. i feel so dumb . Very dumb ... ~ Seems like i have to wait again ... Larvina is definitely not for me .. The girl at orchard rejected me ... then what else to do ? i don't seem to have as good fate in girls as martin. .. ~ i really envy him .. that he has Megan . i'm just a fool ... i should have listened to Martin long ago . Why did i bother to hold on then ... Saying i love u 1000 times .. i believe u won't move . Bcos .. u can't let go of him . U don't dare to say .. u don't love him . So does it means .. u love him ? ~ anyway .. that's your own problem .. my hand was there to save u , since it's ur own choice then be it . The last point for u to turn around but u chose not to . i can't believe there will be a girl on earth to choose such a guy for her bf .. proud of him ? perhaps u are ... ~
Friday, February 27, 2004
God will lead the way ... ~ Today collected my results ... Life is indeed disappointing .. i know it . What u sow is what u reap ... i deserve my results .. no one else to be be blamed .. R4 .. 18 . R5 .. abt 25 .. i don't wish to count it .. i'm too disappointed to . ~ Aeronautical .. it's gone . My dream in the air force is half gone .. now i'm taking on a risk for the pilot course .. To go there for 3 years .. and perhaps .. come back not as a pilot ..but as a loser . One dream gone , 1 dream left ... ~ Cars . My passion . But ... i can't be a racer .. my family won't allow . And my family won't be proud of me when i'm officially one . Now .. i can only and want to only head for one course . Not sure whether it's called mechantronics .. but it allows me to work in a car tuner company .. at least that has something to do with cars and a little on racing . ~ I just want to be a pilot ... bcos i want my parents to live well ! it's not my real passion .. but for my parents. i will do it . Pilot .. is not what i really want .. i just .. want to be a racer . ~ Rx-7 .. i want to make Rx-7 live up to its name again .. cause there is so much people critising it ... i'm sure Mazda won't die at RX-8 . But it's losing out now.. i'm sure . ~ i just don't wanna do business courses .. they just make me sick . Banking and finance .. will make me sleep . Accountancy can kill me . No more ... ~ i just wanna be in the Air Force .. no other . ~ Wan xin .. thanks for ur support . Really .. thank you . u are the only one that really cared .. that really wanted to cheer me up .. except for my mum . i really wanted to accept that hug from u .. no one really cared . i'm lost ... i have lost my dream . u really care for me .. it's just too bad that i don't cherish u . People judge on ur looks .. but i don't really do . Looks are not everything .. it's the heart that matters . A lot of pretty girl out there .. are actually very ugly inside . Thanks anyway .. ~~ So what's my future ? i really want to know .. but i know , god will guide me , he will give me lots of path . Since i am born with so many talents .. both weird and good . I know my future is very bright .. and i know , i will make it big in life , it just counts .. whether i wanna work hard . It's just one obstacle from the big .. simple as that . So i have to force myself .. ~ Pilot .. my friends keep telling me aeronautical is not good or what .. but what bout pilot ? i mean .. it's a very highly regarded job ..so what's bad bout it ? ~ i called my bro to tell him the results .. he asked how was it .. i just couldn't answer . I feel that .. i have let them down so much ... so much . i feel that .. i can't even face my mum .. and my bro . I cried .. immediately after my bro asked how .. i just couldn't face him or even talk .. i have let him down too much . it's time i wake up ... it's time to change . Whatever path i go .. i have to work hard . For myself , for my future , for my family .. for my passion . ~ i don't know .. i seriously feel that i have wasted 4 years of my time here .. in this school . whatever is gone .. i can't catch back . i can only move forward .. time that is wasted that is lost .. cannot come back . It's time to move on ... ~ i had so many dreams .. and all i ever wanted .. is just to let my family have a good life .. regardless or whether i like my job .. that's all i want . But how am i supposed to do that now ... ~ Mum .. really let u down .. but ur boy dared to dream .. is only bcos of u and dad .. He will still strive on .. he will . He will not stop here .. we all know .. he has talents . He has many hopes .. he has many chances . It just takes .. for him to grab that one chance . He did not follow his main passion ..is bcos of u . He dared not dream .. and he don't really feel proud of this dream and passion ... ~ Turning point of my life . It's my own future . whether i wanna brighten it or shut my own doors is my choice . Consequences i have to bear . ~ it's really time .. i learn to become a better person . Cherish everyone ... not say but do it . it's time ... i stop being childish .
Thursday, February 26, 2004
What a day ... started work today in the morning ... then after that met derrick to go to orchard .. get her no. , Then .. i got rejected .. i don't know why . But she said she was working .. and she can't do this .. she told me to come some other day .. or after she knocked off ... my knock off time is 1030 ... i couldn't catch her ... damn . I mean .. does she want some sincerity ? some real sincerity ? i mean .. if that's what she wants .. i definitely will give it to her . I just have to know .. whether after all that sincerity .. will she give me her no. . .... ~ Went to sakae sushi to eat buffet ..got fed up ... then i ate and ate .. then the bill became a little more than expected ... not happy with that too ... ~ Then i was late for work . in fact , no one knew bout this at the start .. i went to ask my dear friend Paul , and he told Angela (assistant manager ) and i got 15 mins minus .. what the .. and actually i was front station .. so i could be with that girl ! but .. i was switched to runner .. what the hack ! ~ then .. spilled laksa on my shoulders ... i think that thing was 40 degress C above .. burnt my shoulder a little .. but it's work . Have to move on ... spilled a little here and there .. wipe the floor a little .. ~ the worst part is that .. everytime i stepped into the kitchen .. as the chefs talk .. and everytime i step in , they will go " Ka ni Na eh !! Che* B*e !! " wahh !! so damn unlucky ! like cursing me ... ~ then ... had some time with Larvina .. that's her name .. had a nice little quarrel with her ... found out that she's pretty easy to get along with .. talked to her for quite some time .. quarrel and quarrel ... i love time with her ... incredibly charming ... ~ got along pretty well with my colleagues ... joked with Angela for quite some time .. talked ... Then joked with old man Paul .. Kumar .. Paneer ... Then another young girl too . Then there was a lady .. waiting for A level results .. and she's from Hwa Chong and i went WOW !! then she said .. normal la ... why everyone seemed it to be so power ... ...?? ~ Angela came and told me .. " Ben arh , ur teeth is very nicely arranged leh and clean .. you have got any special ways to keep it that way ? " in chinese of course .. i said , i only just brush my teeth .. haha .. then there's goes the conversation ... ~~ Today was aerospace event .. then i saw 3 RSAF officers .. one pilot , only lady officer .. i wanted so much to ask him .. bout the pilot career . but i couldn't bring courage to do so .. ~ i'm enjoying my time well here .. Kumar .. Paneer .. Angela !! Hasbullah too ! we spend some great time destroying a cockroach .. and the auntie eliminated it in the end ! Saw thru a kid that has the same age as me .. i now know that he's actually a little attitude ... ~ i don't know . Maybe Larvina is attached to him .. they go home together ... and they wore same rings on the index finger ... perhaps ? but .. i got a little too well with her today .. i sure look forward to more time with her ... ~ I don't wish to break the 2 of them up .. but i have to find out the truth first . But .. i really don't think larvina is the one for me .. she don't really suit me . A no no . ~ But ... she really amazes me with her incredible charms ... if she would to seduce me , i wouldn't last 1 second . It's the truth in fact .. i won't lie . ~ What to do ... should i go for this girl called vivien and pursue more ? i don't know .. but she seems really nice ... ~ Oh ya ! my day sucks bcos of one more thing ... there's a chef at my workplace .. and he's very sissy .. i didn't care much of him ..but today i had a chat with one of the kind chefs ... and he told me he's gay . And that guy wants to date me .. i was so shocked !!!!! and i was so scared that on my way down to b1 , i would see him .. so i went along with Paneer ... WHat the hell man !! my god .. he even know my name b4 he asks me ... damn . ~~ oh my GOD !!! i'm very freaked out by this guy ... ~ my manager is treating me a little nicer now .. he was pretty fierce looking at the beginning ..but i found out that he looks a little like La Fu Zhi ... ~ My workplace is a great place ... only 2 punks .. but i still have some great buds around . ~ Larvina .. damn .. i better stop thinking bout her man ! i better not fall for her ... i must not ! cause if i ever go steady with her .. that's it ! i'm gonna suffer again .. but she's so pretty ! what the heck ... oh no .. this is bad ! but's she so pretty ... SHUT UP !! enuf liao la ! haha ... Gay , pretty girls , rejection ... so disappointing ! REsults tml .. so let's just get it on !
Wednesday, February 25, 2004
So happy ... 1 third way of my Rx-7 ... ~ i can't wait to get my Rx-7 done ! next week .. get my pay .. then buy skyline .. buy acrylic casing for my rx-7 ... damn ... i wanna make my wardbrobe space into shelves of cars ... i wanna guy subaru WRX too .. mitsubishi Evo7 .. Veilside Rx-7 too ... then AE86 Trueno maybe .. wanna buy Rx-8 also ! 350Z also .. then ... Ferrari Enzo also .. Toyota SUpra also ! .. But first , skyline ! next , Toyota Supra .. next subaru .. then evo7 . Like i've got it all mixed up ! my mood just rock now man !! my A manager have fixed it in a way that later i'm gonna work with that girl ... Woo HOO !! i just love my Lady boss !! thanks baby ! Can't wait to have a nice chat with her .. hope we can be on our way out of workplace together too ... there's only one man in the way . This guy called kelvin . Like buay song me sia ... but never mind la . I shall learn to be a gentleman . He's a punk ... but let's compare results on friday ? sure thrash them ... please GOD !! let me score a 12 points so i can get into aeronautical !! Yeah.. and i'm on my way to join the air force !! Woo hoo !! Army ... Cause we are in the ARRRRMMMYYY !~ man .... but my p6 teacher said ... so u are joining it for the money ?oh man ... yeah... it's for the money .. what to do ? wanna give my family a good life .. wanna drive a Coupe .. wanna give my dad a car .. what to do ? so i have to get into the military . it's my last resort . i have no special talents ... only sometimes good at graphical stuff .. like photography and all that .. but i'm not that good la . Anyway ... Racing still is my Passion !! Woo hoo !! someday going to england's Drift Club .. they have tracks for u to practice ... perhaps i give it a shot there first lo ... ~ damn .. i better find another job . my mum is taking on 2 jobs ... cause she cannot afford the expenses . i need a job that at least pays 2000 bucks a month .. mine currently will only pay at least 600 a month ... if given full shifts , 1680 ... but my manager is not giving me that ! never mind .. i need a factory job .. but first , i can her no. first ! haha ... desperate is what u guys probably see in me .. but , i have to do it . u guys will understand why one day ... ~ That's all i wanna say ... life is meaningful definitely ! so we have to live it to the fullest ... all right .. going to work in a while .. Let's get iT on ! haha ..
Ain't Life full of surprises ? The moment i thought .. i had an angel in disguise right beside me ... the next moment .. i've found out that .. she's not an angel at all ... Due to this "angel " .. i met the King of devils along the way ... fought with him .. til victory was his. He terminated my spirit ... And gave me a new one . Evil . is what i have now ... ~ i'm very disappointed with life ... very surprised with u .. to see the real u through this period of bad times .. i should have known ,u were no angel .. How i wish we could have turn back time . So that i can amend ur mistakes earlier a few years back .. so things wouldn't be like that .. ~ i can't do anything .. but to let u go . Men are trouble .. perhaps . But am i really TROUBLe to u ? perhaps .. i have caused ur life to turn around .. u have teared for me . But i have teared for u a lot too ... ~ i must not be selfish .. i have to let u go . I must no longer demand anything ... i have to force myself to go . i'm very disappointed with what your friends had said ... cause this will only show one thing . i'm not gonna say . ~ My friends ... i just wanna spend more time with them .. but i can't . exams are coming ... i really hope for God to send an angel real fast ... to heal my wounds .. cause my heart is still bleeding .. and my time is running out soon ... ~ The day when u were so far and i tried so hard to catch up with u ... i failed . So i stopped .. and turned around ..and walked my way back .. ~ if i wanna let u go , i should forget u . i should cut all contacts with u ... it won't be easy at all ... heartbreaker . ~ i see a ray of light . I know .. my life will be better from today onwards ... but it's up to me , whether i help myself or not ... ~ History .. all that has happened will be pasted into a book called History . i will remember nothing until i open the book ... and i don't think i will open it . ~ Now .. cherish all that is around u . U have lost me due to that mistake . And of course , others . But sorry , time cannot turn back . Damage is already done . i was once holding on so tight .. but now my hands have let go . I rather fall .. and hope some angel pick me up .. then suffer . ~ Rx-7 . God is so creative in showing me things . Showing me the turning points of my life .. He gives me many chances .. and now , i don't wanna lose one . Fate based on a car ? bit dumb right guys ? If a Rx-7 ever appear when i'm out with my gf ... it only shows one thing . She's the one . ~ i can't wait to go to Japan also .. go to Akina . Ask a man to bring me downhill in a rX-7 .. i really wanna try that . Another dream is formed ... ~ i have so many dreams man .. be a pilot . To build balamb ( this is totally mad ! ) .. to allow the use of gunblades to take over guns . To buy a Rx-7 . To be a car racer .. to make Rx-7 famous once again . Or at least .. make Mazda . i'm considering a engineering course .. which will allow me to work in a CAr tuner company after i grad . Aeronautical .. is only for the money . I just wanna mean my family well ... ~ Life is full of surprises . Good or bad . i have to accept it .. and thursday ... i just need lots of luck . No , i don't need luck , Seifier would say . God has planned it . There is no need for luck since it's decided ...
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
i say .. there will be second thoughts ... and they will only come later . ~ i just don't know why .. i still care for u ... i still want u to live well .. i have taken the selfish path .. for my own good . U have to take care of yourself ... No .. No one on earth should live their life rottenly ! Please ... u only have 1 life . and live it well ... so please .. let me see that u are getting on well .. i may not live .. to the day u get married and be happy forever .. ~ Should i give .. u another chance ? everyone .. will be against this .. but it's my choice . although i must learn to live under discrimination ... it's all right . i have wallked back to the junction . now , i wanna make my choice again . So is it .. yes or a no . Sorry martin , i'm reconsidering . It involves me ! a friendship of 4 years ... i should not give it up so easily .. is it ? i'm caught in a spider web . Everywhere seems to have its danger . everywhere seems to have its risks .. all i need to do , is just to take a step ... to change my life totally . To forgive or not to forgive .. i follow my heart and GOd . i believe he will guide me the way ... ~ " i'll be loving u forever ... deep inside my heart u live and ever ... Even if you took my heart .. and tore it apart ... i would love u still .. Forever . " i always thought .. that this sentence would always stay true . but now ... do i still hold this in my heart ? i don't know .. ~ My heart is bleeding now ... blood tracks are all over the path i'm walking . Now i'm so lost ... i have been walking for so long .. yet i never seem to see any light . Just like squall .. he was lost in the time compression world .. i just hope .. i end up like him . that an angel will come pick me up ... ~ why don't my friends say anything good .. they don't even know the story and they say this and that .... they make me to be in such a tough position .. just let me fall ... ~ My heart is all torn inside . i stand alone . i have to go thru every storm myself from now onwards ... i have lost my 2 pillars .. ~ it was my decision .. my choice . is it right ? i wonder ... Why shouldn't i forgive u endlessly .. even though u may not learn ... Why is it that we have gone separate ways .. that i still hold on to you .. ~ God helped me in the end .. so in no time . That spirit following me was killed ... and i was released from his clutches ... if not .. everyday .. his sword moves inner my neck .. slicing my neck more and more ... Crushing my heart with his incredible strength ... So all i ask .. is for him to guide me for another time ... i can't make this decision alone . ~ and one thing i tell myself ... whatever is gone , u can't get it back . If i decided to leave u ... and when i want u back again .. i would realised , that the day i let go of you , i have lost u ... ~ so is the choice still not to forgive u ? i don't know ... if u didn't lie to me all this while .. i would trust every world u have said .But now ... can your words be trusted ? that's the main problem .. i have suffered enuf . Not for anything but for nothing . No .. u didn't learn to cherish me after scolding me all this ... i was already on my knees that day ... to get u back ... ~ well .. Let fate decide . Let god create the path for me . I know he won't be wrong . meanwhile .. live your life well .
The chapter closes .. A new one will open . A new story will start . ~ It was then or never .. the Final last time i will hear your voice . God did not open another path . He jolly well knew he shouldn't .. i could see why .. ~ So what if i set these 2 words " F*** you " esp for you ? bcos u deserve it .. actually , u should have been said right in the face . On the phone was letting you off a little too easily .. ~~ My friends ? yeah .. they only hear my side of the story .. and my side of the story is in fact the whole story . I'm never biased in saying bad things bout other people which the matter also may involve me . Never . You know it very well . Believe it or not . ~
it had to end this way ... i don't know why . I don't know why . One thing . u are killing my love . and u did finish the process ytd .. ~ you always accuse me of my attitude .. i just don't know why when in the first place it was you with the attitude . Bit weird huh ? it's like u are accusing yourself too .. ~ Today , when i was on my way back from City hall , i saw yong jun when the mrt reached Khatib station . Wow .. a primary school mate . Once we reached downstairs .. i suggested the idea of going back to primary school .. i wanted to have a nice talk with my p6 teacher .. and i dragged him along .. We headed for the general office first to check out her form class and time slots .. and we waited in the canteen as we were advised to .. we waited for some 10 mins .. and i just looked left .. and i saw her . buying a drink .. and i knew very well how to get her attention . All i did .. was to walk in her direction .. and immediately .. she turned her head .. and said " H b ? " i just smiled ... Yong jun was right behind ... he was a little shy and embarassed to see her .. i don't really know why .. ~ it was so long since i had a chat with her .. just wanted to tell her what's going on with all of us ... she was more likely to be disappointed .. cause most of the news were very disappointing ... i told her .. i was in the last class .. she couldn't believe . she learnt to accept it ... ~ i haven't seen that girl for quite some time .. i've lost my chance ytd .. she was smiling to me while she walked past me .. i thought she was smiling to someone else .. i was such a fool . i promise myself the next time i see her .. i would at least say a hi .. If she would be the one ... i believe GOd wouldn't let me lose the chance . There will be some time we would meet coincidentally .. and i would approach and chat with her definitely .. ~ i almost couldn't take it today .. i was sick .. i was fighting with my body . my eyes couldn't take it .. my head got some great pain and i just feel like sitting down but obviously i can't . i found out that ... today i was OFF !! my A manager perhaps had told me but i didn't take notice .. damn . if i knew that .. i wouldn't come . i forced myself to come . i was so tired that i could stand and sleep .. i slept all the way on the trip back . A bunch of kids were shouting and all that i was woken up by them .. and these words almost came out : " Ni NoW HianG eh , Ch** BY* , Shut the F*** up man ! PeopLe waNNa Sleep ! Ka Ni na Buey ... " and perhaps more la ! cause i was so so tired , i really needed some rest .. but .. kids . i must let it have it their way . my friends and i were noisy last time too .. so just let them have it their way . ~ Life .. isn't a bed of roses . Andy would always say this . Yes .. it's pretty true ... but we have to get on with life don't we ? in the each of us .. lies every different weaknesses within us . it's up to us to destroy that . No one else . ~ i really hope my choice is right .. and martin was right . God was right . it couldn't be wrong .. isn't it ? at least ... god is RIght isn't it ? ~ Ytd .. i didn't want to hang the phone .. cause i knew .. it was the last conversation btw us .. no ! i don't wanna end it like that .. no ! ! ! but God showed no mercy . That the situation would turn out to be like that . i have lost you . you have lost me . A result of our mistakes ... ~ New life . New story . A man is reborned . ~ from today ... i wanna live my life to the fullest .. cause , i only have one life . No else . Every great girl .. i may just grab ... unless i have a gf la ... i just wish so much that me and Lavina get closer now .. or perhaps Vivien ? not the vivien that u all know arh ... ~ Anyway , it's crystal clear . The end has come . we have ended it all . Quarrels ... crap .. laughter ... friendship . it's the end of all things . no . I should say , I ENDED it all . NOt you . Cause u tried so hard .... but is it ?
it had to end this way ... i don't know why . I don't know why . One thing . u are killing my love . and u did finish the process ytd .. ~ you always accuse me of my attitude .. i just don't know why when in the first place it was you with the attitude . Bit weird huh ? it's like u are accusing yourself too .. ~ Today , when i was on my way back from City hall , i saw yong jun when the mrt reached Khatib station . Wow .. a primary school mate . Once we reached downstairs .. i suggested the idea of going back to primary school .. i wanted to have a nice talk with my p6 teacher .. and i dragged him along .. We headed for the general office first to check out her form class and time slots .. and we waited in the canteen as we were advised to .. we waited for some 10 mins .. and i just looked left .. and i saw her . buying a drink .. and i knew very well how to get her attention . All i did .. was to walk in her direction .. and immediately .. she turned her head .. and said " H b ? " i just smiled ... Yong jun was right behind ... he was a little shy and embarassed to see her .. i don't really know why .. ~ it was so long since i had a chat with her .. just wanted to tell her what's going on with all of us ... she was more likely to be disappointed .. cause most of the news were very disappointing ... i told her .. i was in the last class .. she couldn't believe . she learnt to accept it ... ~ i haven't seen that girl for quite some time .. i've lost my chance ytd .. she was smiling to me while she walked past me .. i thought she was smiling to someone else .. i was such a fool . i promise myself the next time i see her .. i would at least say a hi .. If she would be the one ... i believe GOd wouldn't let me lose the chance . There will be some time we would meet coincidentally .. and i would approach and chat with her definitely .. ~ i almost couldn't take it today .. i was sick .. i was fighting with my body . my eyes couldn't take it .. my head got some great pain and i just feel like sitting down but obviously i can't . i found out that ... today i was OFF !! my A manager perhaps had told me but i didn't take notice .. damn . if i knew that .. i wouldn't come . i forced myself to come . i was so tired that i could stand and sleep .. i slept all the way on the trip back . A bunch of kids were shouting and all that i was woken up by them .. and these words almost came out : " Ni NoW HianG eh , Ch** BY* , Shut the F*** up man ! PeopLe waNNa Sleep ! Ka Ni na Buey ... " and perhaps more la ! cause i was so so tired , i really needed some rest .. but .. kids . i must let it have it their way . my friends and i were noisy last time too .. so just let them have it their way . ~ Life .. isn't a bed of roses . Andy would always say this . Yes .. it's pretty true ... but we have to get on with life don't we ? in the each of us .. lies every different weaknesses within us . it's up to us to destroy that . No one else . ~ i really hope my choice is right .. and martin was right . God was right . it couldn't be wrong .. isn't it ? at least ... god is RIght isn't it ? ~ Ytd .. i didn't want to hang the phone .. cause i knew .. it was the last conversation btw us .. no ! i don't wanna end it like that .. no ! ! ! but God showed no mercy . That the situation would turn out to be like that . i have lost you . you have lost me . A result of our mistakes ... ~ New life . New story . A man is reborned . ~ from today ... i wanna live my life to the fullest .. cause , i only have one life . No else . Every great girl .. i may just grab ... unless i have a gf la ... i just wish so much that me and Lavina get closer now .. or perhaps Vivien ? not the vivien that u all know arh ... ~ Anyway , it's crystal clear . The end has come . we have ended it all . Quarrels ... crap .. laughter ... friendship . it's the end of all things . no . I should say , I ENDED it all . NOt you . Cause u tried so hard .... but is it ?
Monday, February 23, 2004
Unwell .. getting unwell .. ~ This job is killing me a little ... it strains my back a lot ... well .. gotta see a doc soon .. getting a fever .. but i will still be working .. i don't care if i'm gonna overwork myself ... ~ i'm getting pretty well ... 2 girls on my mind .. and i don't know which to choose ... seriously i do . Both are great girls ... But the prettier one may disappoint me .. cause i saw her with a guy when she was working that day .. taking a break at the canteen ... but u never know ? but this sentence is very true .. Men are not blind . They wouldn't miss such a nice girl .. Next girls .. her colleagues now recgonise my face .. and it's pretty hard to get her no. ... but i will find a way . I'm sure i have some good ideas up my sleeve... if not , my cousin will do the trick . ~ it's now or never . you don't miss me at all .. right? even if you do .. it's just a little .. U care more bout that guy .. ~ You have traded one friend for one guy that is all i can use to describe . ~ " best friends " .. i wonder why we call each other that ... i don't know why .. it's was such a stupid mistake .... ~ Ben died .. he did not survive the war . ~ i can't stop thinking bout my colleague .. she just floods my mind... i don't know why . but anyway ..i will have my pace . if she's not my type of character ... be it .i won't carry on .. ~ Sorry , i have not much to say but it's the end of all things . i shan't say anymore ... i'm giving this friendship up . Not bcos of my friends .. bcos i don't wanna suffer . Being locked with a "best friend " who don't treat me well at all .. ~ Regrets ? regrets are far too late ... too late .. or is it that .. u don't regret at all ? then .. that is too sad for me .. anyway .. there's a new life for me to wait !
Sorry . The day ytd was 22Feb2004 . Remember . ~~ No ,i wouldn't budge ... i have state it clean and clear . i'm gone . i'm gone from your life . Goodbye . ~~ No .. i won't give u any more chances ... i have given u like 5 times or 4 chances ... and u did not change , did not reflect ... so what's the point ? tell me .. is it worth it of me suffering again ? i have 2 choices . and the consequences are , that one is that i don't suffer any more and lead my life better , next is that i strain my heart and mind . i'm tired . i can't go on . The end of my journey with u ends here . ~ What i mean that he will replace me .. is that when i'm gone , that empty slot , he can replace . he will take it all . God bless . ~ u have made yourself lost your own best friend . U made him go again . Sorry , he will not come back . He will not look back at all . Only a miracle can melt his heart . Create if that miracle if you think it's worth it . Sorry , the story ends here . Guardian angels ? no .. it was all lies ... ~~ when i see that hp chain on my hp .. i hold it tight in my hand .. wanting u to feel me too .. ~~ i don't think u miss me at all don't u ? the old ben .. u didn't help getting him back at all .. u repeat mistakes again and again . Treated ben like a fool . Sorry, i have other matters to tend to . I still have to search for my dream girl . ~~ Tell u what i'm doing now . The best medicine right now , is to find another girl to save me . I have 2 choices . One is my colleague but she seldoms works at my branch but at the cafe next door . Next is a girl working somewhere ... Desperate ? perhaps .. perhaps not . Cause i really need someone new to replace the old . it will erase my pain . i don't wanna see u with him . And think of the past .. that i was being hidden from everything ... i will feel like a fool . ~ Sorry , memories i will erase . i won't think of what happened btw us anymore . They have just become a history of me . and they are not present in my data file ... ~~ God bless . i can see the future in the 2 of u . Good or bad , i won't say . but u will see it soon . Very soon . u will see the answer for urself soon . ~ u still don't believe me ? all right .... seems like , i'm not your best friend at all . This fact can prove it all . i'm not your best friend . i never was . a day that was impt to me , and u knew it yourself , u forgot bout it or should i say , neglect it . Petty ? in fact ..a little , or should i say not a little at all , but a lot . Too bad . ~ sorry , it's time for me to move on with life . i don't wanna stay at this endless pit ... i'm sick of it . i wanna get the hell outta here . u played with my feelings as a friend or should i say .. "best Fren " ... U never learnt to cherish me at all . Then i have to say sorry , i have to go . ~ ihave already forgotten bout you ... and i bet today , this very day , u don't regret ur actions don't u ? never thought of this ? ~ There's something coming soon .. and when it comes , i see if you will do anything , if you won't , this friendship i will know , is gone . i will end it . who cares bout 4 or 5 years ? did u care for me ? no you didn't .. the story btw us is a lame one . A dumb one . the story should never start at all . ~ a real best fren would cry every night ... very sad and depressed that she / he has lost his one very best friend .. due to his / her actions ... did u ? Any reasoning u give for this sentence i say , will be crap . totally . ~ i'm a new man now . Today i finally saw my fav Efini 1993 Rx-7 .. everytime at my turning point of my life , i will see one . that time right b4 my o's is a Spirit R . God is telling me only one thing . Welcome aboard to a new life . ~ are u happy ? losing me ? don't it feel great ... cause u certainly deserved it . When i was alone every night .. no one was there for me . I would cry ... i would cry .. and i would be alone . i'm a loner that wanders at night . Until a girl comes .. ~ Bye bye . Enjoy your life with him . i don't give a shit now . My heart is very cold . Even if you use boiling hot lava to melt it ... sorry . it's useless . Miracles . Create one or pray for one .
Sunday, February 22, 2004
Another chapter ends .. will another open ? ~ What u have said .. really sort of touched me .. cause u never once said something like this b4 .. ~ Vows we have made .. sorry .. but i'm gonna break it first .. i need a break . I want to leave . But do not fear that i won't come back .. the little boy just wanna go away for some time ... he wants to be alone .. ~ You have to hold on to that hope that i will come back .. and u have to get me back if u don't wanna lose me .. it's your spirit that u are gonna count on now . ~ it may gonna take a year .. 2 years .. it could be 5 years ... it could be never . ~ So now .. i'm left with my gang .. my band of brothers .. my family and me . i no longer have a pillar to rely on now .. i must stand alone now . ~ i really felt like crying just now .. i think back .. how our story started ... how we laughed together .. the times we have cried .. the times we really wish to hug each other and that we didn't in the end ... The way u would smile to me .. the way Sparky would moan in sadness if u didn't open the door ... ~ Sorry .. that i have to leave ... i have to be the one . ~ If we can be together once again .. God will open another path for me to take no matter what . In the last min .. miracles do happen ... ~ you won't see me for a long long time ... don't be be surprised or disappointed of who i've become . i may find a girl i really love .. i may become a rough and ruggard man .... i may die in an accident of speeding . ~ you seem so far when i try to catch up with u .. i kept running .. i tried my best .. but i grown tired .. i couldn't run anymore . ben fell ... and never got up again . ~ no .. no i won't , i won't look back , i won't think bout the past .. cause i know .. i will feel hurt .. i will feel sad .. the story of us ends here . i'm sorry . Whether a new chapter begins , depends on me and u . ~ i just hope .. he loves you more than i do . So u may become a happier person ... then i shall take my leave . My job ends here . ~ i don't know .. i always thought that my feelings for u died .. completely . but now i'm not that sure .. but i think i have blasted all of them dead ... so the qn is ... will another girl come by and save the drowning man ? ~ will i go after a girl now .. or will i be too hurt to be able to love again .. i don't dare . i'm afraid ... just like a child that has lost his way .. ~~ Gentlemen , victory is yours . The day all of you awaited has come . it's now left with me .. how am i gonna handle it . will i ever be the same again ? will the little child in me be revived again ... never thought of my feelings right guys ? please .. spare a thought for me .. it's not easy .. to let go and break a bone of you . ~~ i'm no superman .. and it's not easy to be me . i won't be so great to forgive u .. time and again . i have to fight with myself ... the mind is giving but the heart stays . ~ i think my bro .. has lost his best friend too ... he's very lonely now .. and i don't know what to do ... i'm so sorry ...for not getting u a present ... forgive me . ~~ everytime i sit down in my room .. i look up . I see that big ff8 poster .. and it just reminds me of you .. ~ Squall .. gave up on rinoa when rinoa was brought away for execution .. Squall said .. " i should let her go .. if she wants to go .. i should respect her decision .. " His friends ... scolded him . " what the hell are u doing ? u are gonna lose rinoa forever !! Go get her back !! GO !! " ~ everywhere i go .. the song An jing follows me .. it plays in my heart .. i just wanna stand there . and hope that u come .... ~ everything that i have told you .. taught you .. please remember and cherish all those words ... whatever i have said .. forget or remember them is your choice .. if u wanna make yourself forget me .. then forget .. but if u wanna bring them as memories , remember . ~ so .. this chapter .. just adds on to my pile of fragments of memories ... ~ My heart .. may die . i may not accept the fact that i have to leave u . i may fall . the truth is too hurting ... ~ Now that u have him .. he will replace me . so .. you shouldn't have a problem with life then ... so just live your life as per normal .. live it well .. ~~ Don't need to worry bout me .. i will live my life well . it's either that i live it well .. or i die . if only humans .. can know when they will die .. then at least i give u a date .. and u can take time to prepare ..to recieve a call from my buddies .. that i'm gone . His last wish ... was .. to see all the ones that he love b4 he go .. and for you to live your life well . ~~ when i grow up .. i guarantee... i will think bout you . that the best fren i once had ... the times we had shared .. the pain we have gone thru .. the tears we have cried . Our hearts that have been broken . Will i be alone ? in the end ? will i ever not find a woman in my life ... ~ i have always say this .. Regrets we should avoid .. no one should ever have regrets if we can avoid them ... ~ i am forcing myself to leave .. my legs stay still ... but my mind forces them to go ... i wanna stay ! i wanna go back !! but .. fate brought me here . there's no turning back . ~ i have given u enuf chances ... it just takes perhaps one more to bring us together again .. if not .. that one chance may be useless .... ~~ Bye ... it's a long goodbye .. i always thought .. " i'm glad we are on this one way street .. just u and i . " but now .. another man has come in .. to take me away ...
It's gone .
i'm a fool again . vulgarties are my best companion when i'm fed up ... but now i shall not use it ! Ben ben ... a fool for 4 years ... fooled by woman .. fooled all by woman ... Angeline .. WAn xin .. Wei Ling .. i have lost Angelia back then as a good friend .. and now .. i never tot this day would come ... to lose my " Best Friend " . Were we best friends in the first place ? Martin say we are not .. and he said why ... and .. it's pretty true ... Martin again ? he's one damn good advisor so don't insult me .. my best friend when we were kids .. this is what i really call a good friend !! ~~ So ... so .. u are with him again ? lied to me again ? All right .. u leave me with no choice . No choice . i'm so glad that martin told me to wait .... and God .. never once hide the truth from me .. and i just love him man . i thank god for this . He's giving me one route and i will jolly well take it cause i know , it's for my own good . ~~ i think back .. of all the things we did together .. chatting everyday on the phone ... i'm letting go of these memories . i'm gonna leave them behind . i will not move on in life with them . what i did for u .. i felt like a complete idiot .. really an idiot .. i did it for love . I did it for my best friend . But it was not worth it ... and i almost be on bad terms with my cousin ... Valentine's day present .. haven't buy right ? so .. my guess is so right ... i bought so many things .... and i'm telling u the truth now . I Regret it like hell . I gave up my hong bao money and my freaking brother recieve no present from me this year .. i feel so bad !! and i think he was very disappointed ... ~ Give me attitude right .. i did nothing and u give me attitude right ... when i'm angry , i can do anything all right . DOn't ever get Ben angry i'm telling u this . Do you know that i have my dad's genes in me ? do u know my dad almost killed me in the past ? DO YOU ? killing his own son .. i can do the same too . But definitely not my family . ~~ i was thinking .. u gave me that Tag .. it wrote .. " Love keeps no record of wrongs ... " and i wanted to give each other one more chance again .... But .. Now , i don't think i will . My tolerance ends here . RIGHT HERE . It goes no further . Sorry , it's a fucking dead end ahead . Play with it and get yourself killed it u want . ~~ In Life .. i tot i was a lucky man .. to have someone like u as my best friend ... but i was wrong . I was WRONG . i became the biggest fool on earth instead . but i don't blame god . CAuse he helped me in the end . ~~ Jian sheng ... my 10 years friend .. i believe u now ... whatever u have said is all true ... i'm sorry ... ~~ i'm so glad that i did not give up my papers back then .. cause it will not be worth it ... so .. i'm still signing up for Pilot then .. i was thinking to give it up for u .. but No . Now i won't . ~~ Separate ways ? u forced me with nowhere else to go ... don't blame me . BLame yourself . Seriously .. u has destroyed that child in me . NOw , i must get Myself back . Cause if i lose myself .. changed bcos of u .. it's damn not worth it . I must stand up again . See a new me . SAtan came looking for me .... i was at such a dead end and now i'm revived ... Satan ... he even came and tried taking my life .. and u are definitely the cause . U betrayed my trust again and again . U shot me endlessly in the heart . ENDLessly . no no... i know my heart is still alive . I have to revive it , that's all . I will not lose it bcos of u . ~~ i always thought .. promises are never meant to be broken .. that vow that we took .. that we will never leave each other ... and now i'm gonna break it . i will feel lonely from today onwards . YEs i will . But .. girls are plentiful . My buddies and martin is always here . I shall not fear . Cause i have my family and my gang .. and my brothers ...~~ i really hate myself now man .. i really feel like a fool ... Jun xian .. i understand ur feelings now .. and the feelings are so fucked up !! ~~ CI course .. CLT course .. i have always wished for these courses to be over so we can catch up .. but after that.. came a guy .... U are one very cool girl man .. we are in rocky terms and u still lied to me ... THANKS A LOT MAN !! i really can't believe it ... ~~ One thing , i have told u b4 . I judge people . Based on character ... and i tell u one thing . I despise u . Seriously i do . ~~ Oh ... i bet after reading this .. u will scold me back there in your journal .. Fine , it will not be my problem . U are just shooting me back there .. flaring up .. saying that FINE U WANNA LEAVE ME THEN GO LA !! cause u just don't give a damn . A real best friend will cry right away .. will u ? ~~ i guess u won't come and get me after we go separate ways .. only show one thing . ACtually i don't mean anything in your life .. ~~ No wonder GOd is so kind to me lately ... giving me so many choices to make until i don't even know what to do . Cause i suffered so much ... What adelene said is so true . " U say u suffer so much now .. but who knows later on in life .. u will enjoy ? " .. and it's so true . i'm both angry .. and devastated . ~~ Best friends .. ? for 4 years .. what a tragic end ... Forced to leave .. not a decision by God or Fate .. it's of one doing's . A mistake by human . ~~ Forgive and forget ... this phrase tot my god... Scorpio has one unique thing .. and it's that they don't forgive and forget . They will avenge whatever harm they have recieved ... ~~ Now u know what it means by attitude ? ATTITUDE ? U SURE LOve givin attitude right ? now have it back ! u love it huh ? u want more of it ? ~~ they always call it a triangle .. my ncc buddies. U me and that guy . Oh sorry , now it's just u and him .. in your beautiful world . Ben's gotta go . he was kicked out ... if only i can find a few companions with me to drink beer .. i will drink and drink ... til i get drunk ... i wanna forget all that has happened ... i wanna get brain washed . Thank god for martin .. who always try to brain wash me .... i believe in God more. He did not make my life suck ! He guided me thru the correct ways . Thank god .. seriously man . ~~ Wow .. i still wanna say more man . Cause my heart cannot rest .. it can't . the minute i knew u were with him ... i slammed my mouse ... i'm not gonna smack my hand into the computer cause this fucking computer cost my parents 2399 bucks and they worked bloody hell hard for this money . Not worth it if i smack the computer for this type of dumb matter . First , gonna get my hand injured, waste more cash , next , gonna dirty my room . Next , trouble my parents . ~~ Final fantasy .. my life is a rollercoaster ... i have been living a dream . But now i have finally woke up . I was living just a fantasy . i tot i was really in a beautiful world ... ~~ Not gonna see sparky again .. bit sad though ... hope that he will not suffer or what .. ~ 18 years old .. soon to be 18 ... they say woman mature faster than man .. now i doubt so. i doubt so . Who's the one that still has the " hai Zi pi Qi " ? ~ i end it here . Long good bye. God has state it clear . I go wherever he will go .Friday, February 20, 2004
The thought of you keep striking my mind .... ~ i think .. i'm relying on u too much . i can't stand days without you . So i have to learn . To learn how to live life without you . If not , it will eventually become a burden to you and me ... ~ so how are you doing ? are doing well ? well .. at the look at it .. life still goes on as per usual ... i like to ask a question .. will there be any difference with or without me in your life ? i'm no longer the small boy who crap lame and dumb jokes .. i can't joke as much ... cause i realized the fact that people don't really cherish me .. and that fact changed me in that sector .. ~~ Life still goes on as per usual .. working pretty tough lately ... but one question to God .. why all of a sudden he shoved so many pretty and nice girls to me ? he's giving me a lot of chances now .. I just find it pretty weird .. that's all . ~~ tonight will be working from 11 to 7am .. wonder if i can hold on .. i worked in the morning to afternoon at Kopi Tiam ( SwissoTel the Stamford ) and my back almost break man and now it's aching ... ~~ Guess what man ? i saw a girl who looks like my primary school mate adelene , she's a customer today la , she looks so so so pretty man !! Taiwan girl i guess ... but she's incredibly elegant and beautiful man !! Haha ... it's just that i'm serving around that area .. that's why i can't skip notice .. ~~ actually .. i want to ask u a qn ... how are you ? are u still thinking of that guy or what ? or are u still contactin him ... i really fear that when i'm out .. i may see the 2 of u .. holding hands once again . i won't be able to take that impact . First .. is that u never tell me la ... second .. actually no second la ... the first one is rather big liao ... ~~ And when i read ur blog .. i see this guy call jay jay right ? it seems to me that ... u really enjoy ur time with ur CI mates .. esp with this jay jay around .. i wonder ... has he taken over my place ? i'm sorry for thinking this way.. but i was just wondering . ~~ Damn .. have to go for work .. blog some other time .. i can actually go on and on and on . Just like how Laguna ( final Fantasy 8 ) who can talk and talk non stop . And very sian man .. have to see punks later ... hope i don't get into any trouble ...
Goodbye . Turn left Turn right . Separate ways we go . The Gang go it's different ways now. A band of brothers which no one thought would separate . But from now onwards , it will . ~ Lian Hua Dang . A gang founded in year 2000 . way back in 1 grace / 2 integrity . Different people from different backgrounds met . And soon .. a team was formed . We call ourselves Lian Hua Dang , thanks to the founder Jun Xian as he thought of the gang in Liang Po Po the movie , we therefore had this name since . ~ Frequent hideout . Denny's house . Frequent activity , Marvel VS capcom and basketball . Hobby we share , watching WWF . ~ 2002 . The gang was separated into different classes . one in 3 faith . one in 3 grace . a few in 3H . 2 in 3I . Almost everyday after school .. the first place we step in , the basketball court . To challenge others .. to win , and to lose . Late timings we will go back ... to train . To shoot 3 pointers . To lay magnificent shots up the board . To win the inter house championship. Lian Hua Dang took the name . ~ 2003 - our so called " Yi Qi " is fading . We go home at different timings . We no longer wait for each other . we have become ... what they call .. selfish . - this was the year we renamed ourselves .. Bei Jing Gao " Bei Jing dogs " i don't know why but we named ourselves this so we could use the song " one night in bei jing " as our theme song . Getting pretty lame ? -- End of 2003 / 2004 . beginning of new year . - yeah !! o's are over !! i went CLT course . The other part of the gang went to work . Denny in motorola . The others in Robinsons . The others hanging around also . After o's , Where's the basketball action ? our home base back in blk 326 ... i bet we've lost our home base there . "And 1" tricks no longer appear with a group of kids anymore .. ~ We encounter problems as individuals . One met with Someone who no one expect to meet . One had his heart broken once . One had school work to get stressed with . One did not care much bout life . One cared more bout girls . One wanted more cash . One going crazy . Having mental illusions in his mind . One was holding on the the team ... ~~ is this the End of our gang ? We no longer cherish each other .. do we ? ~~ Girls . Money . Fun . The 3 factors that broke us up . ~~ a few years down the road ... all these history will leave our minds ... lian hua dang will no longer exist ... not known anymore . We were once popular back in school days .. but now , it's gone . ~~ the question now is ... does Lian Hua Dang still exists in each of our hearts ? is time spend with each other that worthless ? is time with women more important .. ~ Is our lives all stapled upon women ? i gave up my time with my gfs to balance off my time with you guys .. and now ..disappointing . ~ Dreams . One dreamt of being a pilot . Buying a Rx-7 . The other ... wanted to be a doctor . One dreamt of designing computer games .. Other , dreamt to be a designer .. do we give up our friends for our dreams ? One friend told me .. don't give up your dream for a girl . it's not worth it . The other , since it's your dream , Live it . Not for a girl , you give it up . ~~ i head to be a pilot . The day i'm off to the US for the course , i hope to come back .. of course , officially passed out as a pilot , and to see Lian Hua Dang .. rebuilded . ~~ Yes yes .. i may not be a pilot ... my true passion .. is to be a racer . My parents will not accept this career of mine , and i respect their decision . So i give it up . ~ i hope .. our hearts will always be bonded as one .. Once kids . Next adults . Forever brothers. Once a basketballer , forever basketballers .
Thursday, February 19, 2004
Back from work . - i was working alone today with none of my friends .. actually a little unwilling in the beginning but i still have to go cause i promised them i'll be there ... and i just found out that the uniform sucks !! but bo pian ... then the assistant manager ... wah !! Don't need elaborate right ? ~ Bought my initial D keisuke takahashi FD3s Rx-7 .. so ex man !! and i just recieved my pay of 79 bucks and in a few minutes .. it's all gone .. return people cash and all that .. next model ... Skyline !! then maZa Rx-7 again .. ~~ Er .. u said u are still the same .. u sure ? u sure ? u sure ? i'm asking 3 times .... i asked u so many times qns and u don't reply .. when in the hell in these 4 years did i ask u at least 3 qns and u never reply ? did u ? and the last qn was very serious and the hell with it u didn't reply and internet u go ... ~ All right ... u say how come i'm feeling better now then why our friendship is going way off ? hmm ... seriously , ask urself this qn first . U know who and how i'm like . i don't go scold someone for no reason or rthyme esp if the person is u . ~ so u think it's my fault ? yeah .. perhaps it's my fault that i flare up but one thing ... why did i flare up ? cause i'm tolerating too much nonsense .... ~ i expect too much from ya ? nope .. did i ever say to u that u are not contacting me lately or what recently ? u said that i expect too much from you so i stopped doing my part ... and besides .. in the 4 years .. i never contact u .. u won't come and contact me ... i'm sure u like it that way right ? it only shows one thing when u don't contact me at least once a week or what .. that i don't mean anything in your heart . ~~ what's with the silence attitude arh ? i can say so much and u say almost only one syllabus or nothing at all ... why not u try talking first la ? it's almost always me that talk and talk ... ~~ actually ... only until this year , i get to understand u more . i get to see right through u . and i'm really glad to understand u a little more . Only one reason why .. ~~ my friends ? they only mean well ... cause sometimes when i get angry bcos of you or get sad .. i will tell them the situation and they will only say one thing . LEave her . and one more thing .. i am never baised . If i'm in the wrong , i will shut the hell up and complain bout nothing . ~~ Go think again ... seriously .. if it's my F***ing fault .. tell me . Then i will have nothing to say . It can NOT be nobody's fault . That's one pretty lousy excuse to escape from the situation . ~~ the true words i wanna say .. i hide them inside . CAuse once i say , then u will fire back at me . and there u go ... never to learn again . Never to change . Those are true thoughts ... but it's pointless for me to say .. so i rather keep my mouth shut . ~~ i have changed ? YEs , my damn attitude has changed . I no longer talk nicely and give in if it's your damn fault . I'm sick of that . And u will go " IT's ALL MY FAULT LA !! " ... don't use this way to make me feel bad to accept some of the blame . Cause it will never help . Bcos .. it's YOUR fault and by saying this .. u are trying to deny . And u will not learn or change . Stay forever like this , u have said once , let u lead your rotten life , i will , if u are not gonna listen to any advice of mine , i say ANY .... ~~ Wah .. i do sound like i'm scolding u ? no ... i'm very serious now . So no haha or hehes . Advice is for u to take . U wanna take this rotten path is ur own very choice . i cannot force u to come with me . ~~ u cherish me ? ask yourself this qn again ... u sure u do ? u see what i did for u ? it's only shows one thing .. i cherish u . But what bout u ? do you cherish me ? i mean , not cherish me as much as i do cherish u . Just Cherish . DO you ? This qn is for yourself ... just go think .. ~ Now i know , why god made the decision that we are not fated to be together ... cause we will never settle down . Nope , i'm saying this truthfully , not that bcos of whatever the each of us did or that i bu shuang u now . We wiLL never settle down .. and i'm glad of your decision . I in fact thank god for that ... only one reason . ~~ Now , i'm heading for someone new .. cause i know , it's time for someone new to come in and stop all the pain i am going thru and to erase all the bad memories . Who arh ? i won't say ... ~ Thank God my cousin is Martin .. cause he made me realise a lot of things ...a lot . and i found out what all he have said is true . Very true . and i'm glad that he has said all he had to . i don't call it convincing or decieving sentences . i call it Truth . ~~ A week tells a lot of things . I trust this sentence from martin ... not gonna elaborate . ~ V day present .. there's so much i wanna know .. unless i am you , i won't be able to understand . is it that bcos i've bought u one then u buy one for me also ? or is it that .. i kept talking bout V day then u felt like u had no choice but to just give me something ? or is it that i keep reminding u or whatsoever ? ( just my thoughts .. ) Listen this sentence well . It's not to backfire u or what . That's not the purpose . -- It's better to get a gift that may not be really nice ... than not to get one at all or a belated one . Get it ? if you don't .. maybe later on in life .. u will agree with me . ~~ Choice is near . I have to make a decision fast . But long ago , i have already decided .
Monday, February 16, 2004
Falling .. Stop iT !! why is everyone telling me this .... - 2 roads . 1 choice . i have to admit i'm lost . ~ My dearest friends .. are hoping for the day .. i clean my hands of u ... what for ? Martin too .... and should i trust my cousin ? i ought to ... but u all say this cause u guys may not even really think in my shoes ! Cause it's me who bear the consequences !! Not u GUys !! whatever happens , it's me who suffer or gain ! not u all ! Of course u guys can say without thinking ... ~ So what the hell are they telling me ? to let u go as my best friend ... as a friend . martin tells me u don't even treat me as a best friend ... and the way he explains .. is pretty convincing ... and come on , i'm not very easy to be decieved . ~ And why are u always giving me some attitude ? can u try to be in my shoes ? i try to be in yours , but u are always telling me no shit ! i have the right to assume since u don't wanna open up . i'm not demanding , i'm just stating a fact . ~ and sometimes , it's so incredible when i have to give u a piece of mind cause it's your fault and i can't ! cause u will flare up and u wouldn't give in to listen at all and so i have to shut the hell up and perhaps say sorry in the end ... then When the hell can my thoughts be heard !! ~~ Whenever i state my thoughts .. u flare up ... like as if i have said anything . THOUGHTS !! they are just freaking thoughts . Based on no evidence or no shit . ~ Why the fuck am i speaking like that ? cause i'm too tired , u are tired , i'm not ? i ought to be more tired than u ! Flaring up for no reason like as if i owe u in my past life ... i try my best , I'm TRying my FUCKING BEST !! i am cheerful nowadays , and i wanna see whether u will wanna make a effort to contact me anot . And when i'm online .. must i always be the one to start talking first ? Must i ? and in the past .. it's who always me who keep talking and all u did was uh Huh .. Ya .. etc . That's all !! isn't there more to life ? What the fuck ... so many words for a word . ~ i hate to use the word fuck , seriously i do . ~ Valentine's day ... how great it is to be lonely man . The lonely 7 jia en calls it . i tot i could meet u at night and pass u the presents ... and .. forget bout it . ~~ yes yes .. i demand . yes yes .. i blame u . and it's ALL my FUCKING FAULT !! Yeah Man !! Fuck ME !!!!! i've only say a few things and u USE THE WORD FUCK ON me !! i have not even start to use it on u all right ? ~~ what the hell happened to me ? i have became a attitude man , and i will not hesitate to give u a fucking piece of my mind if any one of my good friends come irritate me . U know how fucking irritated that day i was with DErrick and edwin ? U knOw ?? I HAVE MY OWN FUCKING friends , i have to spend time with them too and u guys keep saying that i'm wasting my money and all the fuck ... ~` i'm very fucking irritated all right !! Edwin , u also don't fucking hell demand from me things all right !! i did not use any fucking attitude with u and what's with that demanding attitude ? What the fuck is wrong with u ?? TELL ME !! i'm trying not to say u anymore and i don't know what the fuck is wrong with u that day , for giving me some demanding attitude all of a sudden . ~~ WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD !!! i don't wanna mention names . one girl dislike me all of a sudden ... like as if i did anything wrong . HATE me all u want if i did something wrong . But now the fucking thing is that i did nothing wrong !! WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ALL OF U !! ~ i'm mad . Trigger the alarm and u get it . that's all i say . Actually today was gonna be a happy day ... i tot ytd would also be . But with the 2 of u sudden change in attitude , it really spoil my day . REALLY it did . Today ... my day is spoilt also . ~ i hate my life . i don't wanna be in another damn fucking hard period of my life again . and what's wrong with my guys friends anyway ? Why dump girls and jio girls for no reasons ? please ..be more mature ....
Sunday, February 15, 2004
Valentine's day - How i spend my day? Ncc .. sun burn .. buddies in orchard wasting a lot of time ... i don't really enjoy my day .. cause .. first , my mood was bad ... second .. we had nothing to do .. ~ i think back .. a year ago .. when i was with wei ling on this very date .. it's just so nice to spend valentine's day with someone u love.. Today , i had no one . ~ it's all right .. part and parcel of life ? yeah ... - Disappointed too ... i am very confused by what my heart and mind is telling me .. and my dear cousin too .... now i'm pretty convinced by him .. and i don't know whether i'm doing the right thing .. i think i may regret one day ... But i have not much of a choice .. ~ Don't guess what i'm trying to do .. you won't get it .. ~ i'm down . it's not bcos i have no date or what .... but .. ~~ Girls come by and tore my heart apart ... guess that i have to learn to be stronger .. smarter .. not dumb enuf to let girls tear my heart easily anymore .. ~ Endless Tears flowed ... and now .. i must learn not to cry . not to cry for any girl anymore . My heart has died . My tears should not flow at all ... ~ Selfishness and cruelty is what this world is filled with .. i understand now . i see the light of truth now ...
Friday, February 13, 2004
Sad in the heart ... Cheerful on the face . > Today went to collect pay .. then we asked for directions and everyone's directions was wrong ... we went to different offices each time .. then we came to a place which they claim we get our pay from there . And the alleys looks pretty similar to resident evil .. pretty spooky . Then search and search and we finally find a place and they say collect pay on monday .. and from Plaza kitchen . And me and Js were like , where the hell is that ? we have followed their directions then when we head up on the lift and came out , there's nothing ? so where the hell we get our paY? i wanna buy that Rx-7 model fast b4 it runs out of stock ... ~~ Valentine's day . - tml is v dAY !! YeaH ! But what's there to be happy about .. at least i am able to spend it with my buddies .. at least i have things to do .. but my buddies still have to go off from NCC early .. then it's still me myself and i . ~~ never mind then .. if that's the case .. then i just deal with it ... I'm too tired . For all these years ( not really very very true arh ) , i have been to catering to others needs .. i always neglect myself .. no wonder i'm a piece of shit today . Cause i do not care for myself enough ... i'm too tired .. to be sometimes only the one trying ... i don't wanna love anymore . my heart is too broken .. i'm sick and tired of getting hurt too ... but i must learn to let the one i love go ... it's only just not my time perhaps ? i have lost faith in myself ... ~ Oh damn .. someday i should put some happy entry hoh ? if not everyday like so sad ... but the thing is that i'm not going very well ... so how to ? i'm gonna start lying ... ~ i really wanna do something crazy ... i'm too sick of life .... ~ There's so much i wanna say .. but ... i rather keep it private ... just bottle it all up . Easy ? yes ... i just have to shut up and shut my heart ... ~ Words have come by and hurt me through .... Cruel ... but reality is always unkind . ~~ i'm getting along pretty well .. with jian sheng and chun chiang .. and my buddies ... i can be laughing like hell everyday ... but i just feel empty . Let go and get on with life is what i tell myself .... ~ i'm no longer the guy u know . if i'm the old Ben , even if you took my heart , and tore it apart .. i will still love u no matter what .. til the day u come to me .. but now , if you don't budge ... i just let go . i will not hold on , i will not care . The girls on earth are plenty , why do i need to care and give my whole world for her ? No need ... no need to be some noble guy anymore , cause girls just don't appreciate it . I just be one of the men out there who are cruel all this while , i don't need to be on the endangered list anymore . My thoughts have changed ... perhaps it's bcause of my friends .. ~~ but i still wanna be the man i was in the past ... if not , i will never be happy . i will never settle down . But i really try hard to be the loving guy i was in the past .... i may fail . Big change ? yes .. cause i have lost my faith in girls and myself . I don't trust love anymore , i just wanna be selfish .
Thursday, February 12, 2004
caught in the middle . -- > Another day has passed .. was working ytd .. and after work i look at my hp .. 2 msgs .. the 2nd one shocked me ... couldn't desribed my reaction ... just shocked . ~ My mind was a blank . i really felt like just lying down on the floor and wait .... for the next day to come . what is happening to everyone ? what is happening to me ..... ~ i have changed quite a lot i realized ... and it sucks ... cause it's just not me ... right now , i DO have attitude problem ... in the past people always say i did , but i didn't .. i'm always accused . i'm always forced to say sorry in whatever issues . and i'm getting pretty sick of that . ~ i'm sick of life . Not that u are not around ... i'm just all of a sudden very sick of life. Really wanted to use my head to ram into the glasses at the hotel there ... at least that would make me feel better . ~ Misunderstandings - > Always leads to arguments between us ,didn't you realized that ? so we should try to get to the person b4 we do anything ... ~~ Why do i say i have been taking initiative for 4 years ? Not really talking bout you ... others too . Adelene ... actually , if i were me , i would blame her .. saying that she doesn't give a damn BUt , i must understand her too ... she have her own activities .. she can't think of me all the time or what .... then there's others .... ~ what i'm trying to say .. is that if you are busy , i shall not bother u ... this is what i'm tryin to say and one thing ... please be able to see what's wrong , what's right . if u are still gonna flare up bcos of this sentence , then ..... ~ Why do i say some things which u think may not be true ? think again ... why will i say them ? what caused me to think bout such things ? ~ One very impt thing .. when u see such a entry bout u .. please .. the first step should be to AMend the problem , not to care bout whether people see it from My point and blame u ... if you care more bout others which u never know who are , than me .... i don't know what to say . ~ Don't flare up of what i've said today .. cause if you flare up of whatever weaknesses i say of you .. why not i say what is not in my heart ? and let the truth within my heart be hidden .. so no one knows ? all i write is just smooth entries ..... ~~ i don't wanna be so dumb to kill myself .. but when i'm very frustrated ... i most probably would . Killing yourself is the most dumb thing and solution to use but when i get very angry , i just wanna whack everything around me ... and i wanna injure myself .. ~ now i just hope i don't become " insane " again like how i did in the past ... i don't want anything to happen to others or me ... ~ i've told my friends , although i may feel like killing myself , i will not . Cause when i die , what will happen to my parents ? are they gonna rely only on my bro to support them ? i have made all those promises and i should not break them . ~~ ytd went to work .. Raffles the plaza and Swissotel the stamford .... the world outside is very ugly . Punks everywhere and i have to tolerate ... cause one sentence or word can trigger the anger in me ... ~ what the heck am i saying in my entry ? haiz ... just have to get on with life ...
Wednesday, February 11, 2004
SepaRate wayS - > Further and further apart everyday .. history is gonna repeat .... ~ i'm pretty upset over what is happening .. that we ain't as close as b4 ... is it that u are busy lately or what ? i don't know .. i don't wanna make that effort to contact u now on my initiative ... i'm sick of it .. for 4 years .. it's like as if you don't give a damn bout me ... It's all right .. cause i can't demand anything from you .. i'm not your bf nor your mum or dad ... just a friend . ~~ i'm with my buddies everyday .. Eric ,Jian Sheng and martin. I do enjoy time with them .. but i'm still missing out on one very impt girl , who is my bestest bud .... so my life still stays empty .... ~ If it's your choice to go away .. i should also try my best to walk away .. right ? i should learn to let go .... ~~ If i don't get through this period of time ... at least i'm glad , that no one walked this path with me .. that i'm alone . i relied on no one ... and i can hold on til this far alone . ~~ Love , Forbidden Love seems to be the answer . But it's all right .. all i just wish is that he loves you more than i do ... all i need do is to let go and look for another girl , simple ain't it ... ~~ Cold ... why am i so cold today .. woke up in the moring so cold ... what's happening ? nah .. probably be all right tomorrow ... ~ i have changed . dEfinitely ... i don't know what has .. but it's definitely my attitude . not a big change though but .. it's just not myself .. and the change is to the bad side .... ~ i have to try my best to be independent ain't it .... not to depend on others ... not to rely on others ... just get thru things myself ... with no one else ... i think i have to learn this point ... even the result of me would be a loner ...a cold one . ~~ i just feel like screaming right now ... F *** and all that .... i'm just sick of life ... why the hell things are in such a state .... i have no one now . People left .. and don't seem like they are coming back .... ~ i'm tired .. very tired .... i may fall .. i wanna sleep forever .. i don't wanna wake up to such unkind reality .... Promises we've made .. does it still stand ? Forever ? ~~ i really try to write a little crazy stuff here now .. not to make the entry so sad .. but i really can't do it . i have nothing else to say . F*** this world ... on the day i have work , then the F***ing parade come ... then saturday also me OOD .. i'm already busy as it is to plan all these stuff .... why not get some asshole who's not doing their jobs ? Damn it .. F*** the world .... what the hell .... insanity is near ... just hope it don't take me over again ...
Sunday, February 08, 2004
Drifting apart .. the distance between us is getting further and further part everyday .... i will learn to let go if i have to .. ~~ i'm very sad .. cause i can see what is happening ... and then again ... we will be what we were 2 years ago .. you lead your life .. i lead my life ... is this gonna be at the end of this chapter ? ~ i don't know how to lead my life without you again .. without your comfort when i'm always down .. without your voice when i'm happy ... without your crap to cheer me up .. life will be very different if i ever lose a friend like you ... i try not to depend on others ... but in the end i still rely on others .. ~ i really hate the way things are in now .. as if .. i was forced to let go of you .. and our close friendship .. as if i'm forced to go back to the way things were ... is it ? ( am i thinking too much ? perhaps ... but when things are like that now .. so different .. how not to ? ) ~ So in the end .. i'm alone .... in the end .. it's still up to me to win this war alone .. i'm very happy that heaven at least leave my buddies behind to support me .. at least he isn't so cruel to take everyone away from me ... ~ I know i can't let go .. but i have to learn . and i will .... ~ So at the end of the chapter .. she's still not mine .... but it's all right .. just bring her back . i will not lose you again cause this time around , i'll go wherever you will go . Turn Left , Turn right ... i'm always given very tough decisions to make ... now .. should i let you go or get back all that's lost ? get back the close friendship we once had .. or should i don't bother u anymore .... i'm really at a lost . But i really do want things to be the way they were , nothing else . ~ Flame is dying.. i don't know whether i can hold on anymore .. but perhaps a busy life can draw all these thoughts away from me ? Best friends since sec 1 ... and things has to be the way they are now . Why ?? Cause people change .. i have to accept it . ACcept the fact that she changed , that i have changed . ~ Wo mei You zhe zhonG tian Fen .. An JinG de Mei Zhe me Kuai .. ~ Reality is unkind . Things always happen the other way u want it to .. Squall said this .. i kind of believe in it ... but at least .. Try . don't look on the bad side .. as if there is no hope .. Try . At least put in some effort .. cause there is always hope ... - " As long as you don't get your hopes up, you can take anything. You feel less pain." Perhaps what squall said is true .. don't always hope for the desirable consquences to happen .. ~ That spirit that i once had .. daring to dream and do the impossible .. i think i should give it up . ~ Anyway .. don't worry .. i'm trying my best to live my life well . i'm not very very down .. cause i have to accept reality . i can't move on if i'm down ... life still has to go on no matter what . So i chose to let go .. and get on with life . Regret that the way things are in now ..
Saturday, February 07, 2004
What's with all you guy's attitude ? What the hell is going on ?? ~ i use to have 2 angels by my side ... always there to save me ..the other always never failed to cheer me up ... then what the heck happened to them ! I really wanna know man ... They are really not themselves .. and i don't know what cause the damn change ... one was so happy so crappy , now so impatient so ... i don't know what la , not herself correct liao la .. the other was such a nice girl ... so nice and sweet .. now .. like bu shuang whatever i say ... what should i do man ? What the hell have i done wrong ? ~~ i'm sick of such a situation ya know ? i though i always had these 2 pillars to rely on when i'm about to fall .. they were the ones that really brought me up to such a position right now .. if i lose it all now , i will be back to square one where i lose my heart and soul and that pathetic situation .. ya know ? ~~ Tx : if ya wanna think it's a problem cast upon myself , u are very very wrong . Cause this situation is no situation with my own mind . You don't understand what's happening to me . Cause i did not say everything here .... and if i know if the problem is with my own mind , i willl know it . Cause i have been thru such situations and i am now able to decipher whatever problems that are caused by myself ... You think i'm a very happy guy who keep laughing in front of all of you ? No ! i'm not myself anymore . i'm just trying my best to stay the same in front of you guys .. you don't know what the hell is happening to me . So don't say that i am in such a situation bcos of myself . You wanna try one day really losing your soul ? when you can never feel anything , not even your heart pounding ? When you cannot think of ANYTHING even if u try to think of something ? Your mind just stays a blank .. you wanna try one day losing your heart ? u don't really know how it feels to lose all these ... u can ask edwin . If he ever saw a day that i wasn't myself .. that i was so different . you did not see the days i lost my soul and heart ... and i tell u , you still have your soul and heart . Cause when u lose your heart ... even if my mums dies ... i cannot feel anything . And that sucks . I had such a feeling b4 . Something happened to a very important person of my life and i can feel no shit ... and it's just not me . u go ask yourself whether u wanna believe my story . ~~ I just hate the world right now ... I just want things all back to the way they were !
I really Do HopE he Love you More Than i Do .. that'S whY i forCed mysElf to LeT go .. ~ i wiLL leaRn to Let Go oF You .. it's JuSt BcoS i love You too mUch ... ~ i can't acCept You When yoU are Also witH him ... ~~` Another hard day has passed .. so i ask myself .. how are u doing ? aRe u smiling right now ... are u feeling better ? ~ Best Friends ... i don't wish for this special friendship to end ... no , i don't want to break this friendship just bcos of one man ... no ! i'm not satisfied ! Promises we have made to stay together ... Guardian Angels forever together ... we said .. nobody can break this bond of us ... But .. i'm really very sad cos of what is happening ... i don't want us to drift again . i don't want any more arguments ... i just wish for us to be together forever , regardless of the fact whether we are bf or Gf ... i don't wanna wish for anything else now ... ~~ It's all right .. no matter how broken i am , no matter whether i can love anyone anymore .. i will try to live my life well ... i just want u back . i will let go ...
Friday, February 06, 2004
i'm really trying my best ... ~~ Today went to SP and NP check out the courses .. hmm .. yeah , aeronautical all the way ... i'm thinking that NP is not bad . ~~ Today saw ya .. yup , you look indeed different .. i tried my best trying to talk to you .. but your .. attitude seems to be a little different .. i'm definitely trying my best .. i don't think i changed .. but even if i did changed , i can't say if i didn't .. it's still up to u . I don't know .. you sometimes snap at what i say .. i mean .. did i say anything wrong ? i still talked the way as i did in the past .. no doubt . That's why .. i thought you hated my company ..so i carried on with my friends ... i'm really sorry for anything that i done wrong .. but you gotta correct me on the spot k ? ~ Yes .. indeed i've changed . in one point . I can't say as much as b4 .. now my mind is really a blank .. i don't know what to type .. i can't say as much as i can b4 ..~~ I'm really at a lost ... you will snap at what i say .. so what should i say ? and you seem like you wanna carry on in your own world ... i mean .. if you keep snapping at what i say when i did not say anything wrong , how do you expect me to carry on the conversation throughout ? please understand that i'm trying my best ... really .. I really don't know what else i should do . whatever i do , you ain't happy ... i'm really at a lost . ~~ What's really wrong with ya ? i wanna know and get you outta this damn situation ... What causes you to become so pissed ? is it emptiness in your life ? i need to know ...
SwoRd in The heaRT .. ~~ i lost my heart ... My joyful and determined spirit is dying ... he's getting me .. the pain within me is getting to a level that is unbearable ... right now .. i'm defenseless .. i'm on my knees .. waiting .. for his sword to come ... ~ The world around me is crashing down .. what's wrong with this God damn world !! what the heck is going on ? WHAT THE HELL!! i really don't know what to say ... i mean .. are u blaming me that u broke up with him ? seriously do you? do you think that i have broken up your beautiful relationship ? tell me ... then i will know what to do . Set our hopes high ... for ? The small boi .. is he going to come back ? i don't think so ... he once a cheerful boy with a giving heart .. has lost his joyful heart ... and his undying soul . No one is to be blamed . But myself . I'm the cause of these . ~~ Miracles .. angels ... they never seem to come by . Cause right now .. i'm at the mercy of this guy ... i have nowhere to go .. ~ a battle that we knew we won't win ... yet i still fight on . ~~ i may not make it.. if he keep crushing my heart .. harder and harder everyday ... i breathed so hard for air just now ... My heart .. is losing out . My spirit can no longer fight ... is this the end ? ~~ i'm having pretty bad chest pains now ... i may not be able to take it if it gets any worse ... i just hope it doesn't . My spirit .. i hope it stands ... it has to .. if not the battle is lost .
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
Love , Peace , Faith , Hope . Friends . ~~ FF8 taught me all these ... Love to keep each other going .. Peace ? forget liao ... to have faith in your friends .. Hope , not to give up ... Friends , to treasure them. i just really wish .. that Ff8 comes out as a movie ... ~~ Damn .. one sad news and one good news. It's confirmed that who is after me ... and he's right on my tail . One good news is ... i Don't Give a SHit !! haha .... no matter what he do .. no matter how much he crushes my heart inside .. i don't care ! i still need to live and care for my other friends who aren't going that well ... ~ My neck .. has this feeling .. like a sword is pointing at it all this while ... i don't wanna say anymore . cause if i say anymore ... it will become worse. ~~ When i'm in places that are pretty noisy ... i can hear a lot of things other than voices .. what people say just make me feel pretty unwell ..it's like as if i can hear exactly what everyone is saying ... ~~ But all will be fine !! Haha.. thanks Priscilla and Gang .. for praying for me ya ? i have never felt this energetic for like how long ? very long ... God .. yeah .. i know he exists . But sorry to say , i can't accept him . The time will come if it's meant to be . ~~ Damn sia .. how am i supposed to get out of this situation .. I need Backup!! haha .... hmm .. pretty incredible that i can speak so happily when such things are happening to me .. cause i don't give a shit !! ~~ What's up with me man ... ~~ KTv ? Seems pretty cool .. feel like going every week sia ... haha ... to sing and sing .. to bring out all my troubles .. i just fear that ... when i sing some songs .. i may just cry when i sing ... cause .. i don't know why .. perhaps i will think of my past ? or my situation ? ~~ The world around me is crashing down .. and this is way too bad ! i need everyone with me to win this war .. and yet they are not stable themselves .. wonder what's going on .... arrrgghhh !! i just need to win this ass myself . But the question is .. will i come back the same ? Will i be insane ... i really fear this . Seems like no one ever come back the way they are ... But at least i give it a try ? yeah ? So let's get it on !! Bye guys ... if i ever go , just take good care of yourselves...
Monday, February 02, 2004
Stabbed in the heart ... But i'm still strong ... I hope ? i suppose so ... ~~~ Yeah ... although my heart is breaking .... it's all right . Hmm ... my heart is more or less back .. so i can feel once again . Read your entry ... don't feel so down k ? Life Don't SUCK !! if you say so ... then your friends and i can just disappear from this world .. since life is not meaningful for you ... ya ? get what i'm saying ? ~~ Learn to live life without him . You have to . Don't think . Don't question . Life still goes on . If you wanna just have someone to vent it all , look for me . if you want a shoulder to cry , i'm right here . If you want someone to listen .. i'll be there. if you want someone to cry with you , i will gladly do so . as long as you feel better .. as long as you realised that life is not meaningless .. i will do just anything . Life .. is worth to give away .. just for you to be happy . Anything will do . ~~ Valentine's day ? Yes .. it is just some other normal day .. but ... to me, it's a very very special day in my heart . One day that should be the most special of the year . Alone ? yes i have no date this year .. but it's all right . It's all right ... i just have to get used to spend lonely nights on V day . If i don't ... then i have to learn to accept the fact that i have no date . ~~ Haha.. yes .. i wished that you spend it with me ... i really did !! Cause i want you to have a memorable night with me ... started planning like ..2 weeks ago ? Yes .. it was pretty spectacular ... but never mind ... it's all right . You chose to go with your frens .. what to do ? there's nothing i can do but just accept the fact mah .... hope that i don't feel very very sad on that day can liao .. cause i think i will ... but hope all will be fine pretty quick .. ~ Fear , Darkness .. cause me to fall to him . Now no .. i should not fear him .. darkness will not outshine light . i have done nothing wrong in my life , like why the hell i must go ? no reason ? so i have to stay ! sick and tired of him haunting me every day , every minute every second .. i have to get out of this damn pit . Once i'm out .. all will be fine ... ~~ This is the toughest process . It will break me . It will hurt me . it's gonna drain my all to get through this . that's why .. i need my friends ... Angels to shine light upon me .. to guide me .. encourage me as i try to climb out of living hell .... My head may break .. my hands may bleed . Definitely if this happens , don't worry . Cause it's part of the process . So don't be too shocked to find me in hospital . i'll be fine .. just let me vent it all when i can't take it . Er ... the sad part is .. i only vent it on my own body . So don't need to fear getting hurt if you see me ... ~~ Now for the sad part .. if i really go , please let me rest in peace by showing love to everyone ... cherishing everyone and time with them .. i have tried so hard asking my buddies out today .. and yet they were giving very lousy excuses .. i'm very disappointed with their attititude ... So please , learn to do this . Don't disappoint me .. i don't wanna be up there or down there seeing all these going on . Learn to be better people ... May anne .. you have many weaknesses but you have pretty good strong points . Learn to take over those weaknesses .. you won't disappoint me right ? Edwin and your gf .. love each other til the end of time . really do hope to see the day you guys get married !! My last words ? Sound like i am saying them ... in case i'm really gone . Be realistic . WE have to think bout this sometimes . So don't say that i'm some pessimistic guy or what lohz .. all right guys ? take care if that day comes .... love everyone ! I wanna see Love and peace if i ever go ... ~ i'm off ... hoping for a better tomorrow ...
To where you are . Wu RuN Gua Feng Xia Yu ... wo Dou Hui zai Ni sheng Pang Peh Che Ni . ~~ woo HOO ! i'm gonna kick some ass ( Learnt this from Zell Dincht ) ! Hmm ... seems like That ass is still tailing me .. if he wants WAR , i GIve it to Him !! Yeah BabY !! Definitely win ... even if his sword is already at my neck .. i won't give up struggling .... cause i know . Something will happen . There may be some hero ( could be my buddies ) who will come and save me ..... ~ He's trying to drive me insane ... hmm ... i do admit he's good at this .. but no matter how good he is , how powerful he is , one with true spirit can win him . Hmm hope i possess that true spirit hoh ? ( Learn from Lord of the rings one.. that's why Frodo was the one chosen to bring the Ring to Mount Doom ... ) I always imagine Him to look like the NasKo .. did i spell it right ? but look .. in the end .. a lady still killed Him ! oh .. i'm getting a little crappy ... ~ Anyway , although things may not be shifting to my side , i don't give a sHIT !!! Cause i know .. i can't let go of life ! i can't disappoint those that changed my life ... Mum .. Dad , Bro , May anne .. Edwin and Gang ... Mr Lai and ms tan all those la .. and The REsisTanCE Gang ( CLt coursemates !! ) . I miss you guys so much ... JJ .. Ramzi .... Andy .. Derrick and issac .. Alvin and Kay thiam !! Hoon teck and Eddie ! Lieutanent ChUa !! Not to forget you .. you've made our Clt course so meaningful ... You have sort of groomed me to be a man ... ~ Simon ! The man i'm most grateful to for who i am !! For the officer i am now ! Thank god for this man .... ~~~ So No matter what , i can't let go of life ! My life is so so meaningful ... Yes , not to forget , Hui xuan and gang ! With all their crap ... they can drive me crazy .. and Priscilla and the other 2 angels ... Thank God for them .. ~~ No .. no .. i won't go ! i know i won't go ... i'm coming home . Now !! i had enough of life out here .. so cold .. so dark . i'm coming home now .. it's been so long ! Hmm ... although there are scars on my body ,esp at my heart area .. That guy la .. come pierce it with his sword ..although i'm bleeding , i can still walk , i can still live . That wound is gonna be sealed up by angels soon ... Yes it will ! ~~ Jay Chou .. not to forget this man who made music so cool ! haha .. like why the hell this guy come in ! Cause i love his songs !! er .. in fact .. i only know his songs ... Qing Tian and Gui ji .. are gifts from heaven ... ~~~ And my Lian Hua Dang Gang !! They have made one of the biggest impact in my life ... i won't forget jun xian and his sex jokes .. i won't forget denny with his basketball .. i won't forget Chun chiang with his acting .. Jia en with his Sissy acts ... Jian sheng being a prostitute ... Ting Xian always there supporting us ... Colin who kept pushing us below and we try to rise higher ... Edwin leong and his Ah Bao Look ! Have i missed anyone? hope not .. ~~ May Anne ! Always there to hear me grumble .. there with me when i cry ... when i smile . when i laugh ! Slap me to wake me up ... thanks . i cannot thank anyone else but Heaven and Fate for letting our paths cross ... i will never forget you ... never . Even if i die .. i will bring my memories with me .. Guardian angels forever and ever . ~~ Said so much .. Mum and dad .. just rock !! Always there to support me in whatever i do ... they have never gave up hope on me ... Even if it's against them , even if they don't allow ... they would support me . My mum told me this .. there's nothing she could do but support me .. i have such loving parents .. Dad always there to protect me ... a Mercedes For you when i grow up ( hopefully i can)... haha ! ~~ Forbidden love .. in life , we will always come across this , right guys ? Haha... but never give up on love .. life . Fate will decide all . Let him/her go . If she's meant to be yours , she will come back .. isn't it ? Heaven has eyes ... he will be touched . He is not unfair ... ~~ Mad ? nope .. i just wanna say that life is meaningful .. don't let go . no mattter how sad things get ... don't let go . Accept swords in the heart ... they are part and parcel of life . Accept heartbreaking news ... accept tough situations . But no matter what , don't let go , Remember that guys !
Go away .. please .... i can't hold on much longer .. ~ Fly me up .. to where you are beyond the distant stars .. Bring me outta here ... ~~ Turning around .. and round .. i can't sleep . Then .. the haunting starts ... i tried not to think .. they just come .. and i couldn't take it and hit my head on the wall .. hit my fists on the wall .. it felt better but soon it came again ... i wanted to smash everything i could then . Even myself ... this went on for 1 or hours ... then i slept . I don't know ... i just opened my eyes .. hoping not to see him there in the room ... ~ Tonight... how am i gonna get through tonight ... I'm soon gonna be insane ... it's driving me crazy .... No .. ~ Went for KTV today ... although i did really laughed hard .. it didn't feel the same b4 ... just somehow not the same .. i don't know what's wrong .. i can't really laugh anymore ... no .. even this small amount of joy has to be taken away from me ... ~ i can't feel , i can't smile , i can't laugh , i can't think ..... next .. would it be .. i can't breathe ? No ....i have to win this damn war !! But how to ... how to .. this is no normal opponent ..it has to take one with true spirit to win him ... i don't think i have that true spirit ... ~ Angels are disappearing ... Stars has become dim .. i'm on bended knees .. what should i do ? what i have to DO ?!! The path that lies ahead .. is so dark . No one is here to shine the way for me .. is it ? ~~ If i have to walk this path alone .. i will not hesistate ... no matter what the outcome will be ... people have to accept it . i have to accept it . ~~ i'm losing faith ... in myself .. he's crushing my heart ... Eating up my mind .. my headaches are getting stronger ... ~ Fantasy ? Yeah ..Perhaps the last fantasy i can have .. ~ Will my heart be pierced in the end ? Like how edea pierced Squall's heart ... Damn ... i have to get out of this situation fast !! if not i'll be stuck here forever cause they seem like they are running faster now .. ~ Do i sound as if what i'm saying is some joking matter ? wait til the very day u experience what i experience .. you'll be very afraid .. very scared ... cold .. you won't know how to fight this guy . Good luck to you then . ~ I'm trying to be as strong as i can ... but my heart is weak . He aims my heart .. that's why i'm losing out .. he's haunting me with thoughts that involve the heart .... now .. it's not up to me to save myself . it's up to people who hold the key ... the main key holders .. lose that key and i guarantee you .. the undesirable will come . i see one is letting go ... if the others let go also ... i will have no chance to come back after this war . ~~ Pessimistic ? Insane ? Pyschological problems ? No ... this time around , no ! It is definitely not all these ... ~ Damn .. i can't admit into a hospital if anything happens to me ... my parents won't be able to support if that happens .... so please .. don't bring me there . ~~ Bye ... i see that one main key holder is dropping that key ... once it reaches the ground . Gone .
About me
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Ben.
- January PV month24th 25th ...
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