rockin' my world.
Saturday, January 31, 2004
Running and running .... ~ He's getting me .. i have to keep running .... i hope i won't get tired and give in to him .. cause if i do .... i'm a goner . My heart .. soul ,is already gone , the mind is the last thing i have . If it's gone then .... Goodbye .. ~ May Anne ... you are definitely not the cause of these problems .. i'm sure my mood will become better tml .. So please , do tell me your troubles ! ~ He still hasn't found me yet but ... every morning .. he calls for me ... Haunting me with things i don't wanna know .. things i don't wanna think .. ~~ If his sword really pierced through my living heart .. please .. everyone , do take care . Cause i can't gurantee you victory . Yes .. it's very scary ... to face this Guy .. who is so powerful .. and yet i'm a powerless man . I have only one weapon to win him . And that's my spirit . ~ People .. this is no pyschological problem ..so don't think that it's my mind that is playing with me .. i can't gurantee you this is not ! Will the day that i become myself come ? or the day that i fall come ? I don't know ... if it's a war he want ... i will give it to him . If i lose .. please forgive me . If i'm falling ... please .. come save me . ~ i'm scared .. very scared .... to face this guy alone .. Now that he has got hold of my heart .. he's gonna pierce it anytime if i don't get it back ... but what should i do to get it back ? i don't know ... i'm lost .. i'm very scared .. i can't do this alone .... ~ Perhaps this is a test from heaven .. to make me learn ..to become stronger .... but it's getting a little too way off ...
Friday, January 30, 2004
The day will come . That i will lose my pride .. my honour . ~ Samurai..The last samurai ... fight with pride .. die in honour . ~ if i have to be on bended knees to get you out of this situation ... if i have to lick his boots .. if i have to accept punches ... i would . Every man has this pride .. one of the most valuable things of him ... would he give it up ? Most keep .. few will . ~ Lose my pride and honour as a Staff sergeant .. lose my power and respect as a CLT . I would .. give it up . Cause i know .. ordeals i have gone through to gain that rank ... Battles i have fought with the mind . ~ Pride .. doesn't matter to me anymore . As long as you are all right and happy ... Nothing matters . ~~ My heart is gone ... he's coming after my mind . ~ Now .. seriously .. telling you guys .. i have lost my heart . i have lost feelings . i can't feel anymore . i can't love anymore . it became an empty space in my body . it seems like there's no beat ... Because of an incident .. i realised that my heart does not exist . ~ He's still not satisfied .. next target .. my mind . ~ Getting some pretty severe headaches in the corner of my head ... thoughts haunt me everyday ... i can't lose my mind ! i must not .. cause without my heart .. my mind is the only thing keeping me alive . if i lose it .. i'm a goner . ~ A war ... an unavoidable war ... i will fight it . But the problem is ... can i win ? i've lost half of it ... i have to win back the other half ! an impossible dream but i must dream it . Live it ! ~ Lord of the rings .. i admire the spirit they have . The bond , the trust friends have ... The determination . The honour they wanna have . They dare to dream impossible dreams ... Even if they knew they are not gonna make it .. They still fight on . Now .. i must have that spirit .. that determination .. to win this guy . Losing is not an option .. definitely .. cause i will let so many people down .. Esp May Anne ... ~ i'm sure .. i will come back ... Ben will come back ..
Thursday, January 29, 2004
No .. They are getting me .. ~~ Sorry ... cause i may fall .. Thoughts haunt me ..nightmares ruin my sleep ... sleepless nights got me bad ... and no matter how well hui xuan bring me away from them .. i go back to them .. i can't run away ... i can't ... everyday .. it seems like ..i'm walking to them everyday .. no matter how hard i resist them ... i'm getting nearer .. it will be the end . They have drawn my soul first ... tore out my heart to make me can't feel .. next .. they will take away that beat of my heart . No .. no ... please .. someone come and save me ... each and each day pass by , i'm a step nearer to them . This explains why i told , i have lost my soul . i'm gonna lose my ability to talk soon ... They are getting me . i need an angel ... to save me . ~ Thoughts crawl into my mind no matter what i do .. no matter how hard i stop thinking ... they are soon gonna take over my mind .... it's so scary .. ~ i did not know that there will be a day that i will lose my soul . That my heart will die . ~ Every morning i wake up .. this sickness ..this unwellness within me gets stronger everyday .... There's nothing i can do . It's not fever ... it's not cough all these . it just makes me sick .. not able to move well .... ~ i'm sorry Girl .. if i ever fall .... please forgive me . it will mean ... they have caught me . And i may not be able to fight back then .. cause it will be too late .... too late to bring back my soul , my heart . I need an angel .... i really do need an angel .. to stop this darkness from taking over me ... ~ Satan ? Mei Ling said it was satan's doing ... and say don't listen to them .. but .. i can't .. he's too strong ... i'm losing out in this war .. He's also frying my mind ... brainwashing me ... He has tore out my heart ... now what is left in me .. is just that beat of my heart .. once that is gone .... i will be gone . i'm so vulnerable ... i cannot fight , i can do nothing . Darkness ..is covering that ray of light from the sky ... ~ My dear Friends ... i'm sorry .. that there is nothing u can do to save me .. it will take everyone to save me .. not one man , not one lady alone . only an angel ... and everyone ... can take darkness away from me .
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
Ben's coming home . i can feel it .. He may be lost in Somewhere real far away .. but we can't give up hope . May anne ... hold on to that hope .. believe that he will come back , and he will ! As long as he's still alive ... we will not let go of that hope . he gonna come home .. i know , he has gone through quite a lot when he's out there .. so please , make him feel warm again , make him feel love again . cause it's so cold for him out there ... so cold . His heart is still with us .. he's telling us ... he's coming home .. no matter what it takes .. no matter how tired he gets .. he will never stop .. Rest your heart with him .. talk to him with your heart .. he will feel it . then ... the flame in him will be revived again . When he's about to fall .. just thinking bout you .. he will not give up . Cause he knows ... your heart is with him . You are there with him .. telling him not to give up ... right ? All he needs now .. is the determination .. to find home again .
I've lost my soul . My mind is a blank . My heart is gone . ~ Lost the war .. they tore out my heart in the end ... took away my soul .. i can't think . I can only stone .. ~ i am calm ... so calm that i can't talk .. i don't know what to say , i can't eat .. i can't sleep . it's so bad to lie to my mum .. that i have eaten .. but in fact .. i haven't eaten my dinner . i can't ... i have no appetite .. i have lost my all . ~ i walk around .. i walk on this earth ... with no heart .. i feel so empty . My mind is always a blank wherever i go ... i can't think . i can't dream . i don't dare to dream . ~ Souless ... wandering on this earth .... will it ever come back ? please .. make me feel warmth again ... why did my soul have to go away ? i have tried my best .. to get it back .. but everyday , bit by bit .. i lost it . ~ The only way ... to get myself back ... to save my soul .. is for everyone to be with me .. to fight this war . i can't do this alone ... ~ And as your best friend .. it really saddens me to see each day u are with him ... Please .. do cherish relationships . Don't play with them ... haven't i thought u ? must u wait til the day u lose me .. then u start to remember ? then u start to reflect ? i won't guarantee how long i can stay on this earth ... it's very disappointing .. to hear that u are still the same .. u don't cherish my words do you ? is death the way i have to go .. to make everyone realise ? if it is .. i would gladly walk towards it .... i will not look back . i will not . ~ Heart died .. that small flame in it has died .... i'm losing myself .. bit by bit ... come on ! i tell myself ! pull yourself together ! You have to pull through this ! But ... i'm tired .. i can't hold on any much longer ... i wish .. someone would come by and pick me up ... dun let me fall ... cause once i fall ... i can never wake up . i will live one very bad dream ... and it will take me away .. to somewhere i don't wanna go . ~ One thing ..haven't you seen how hurt i was back then when i knew u were with him ? but now .. u seem to forget that ... u just don't know .. how much tears had flowed ... how much of myself i have lost .. Regrets .. don't regret if you lose me ... cause you didn't do what u could ... i'm sorry to say this . Save me , or lose me . ~ i'm very unwell... this bad dream .. will i ever wake up to reality ? to see you smiling at me ... where we could be so carefree ... But .. all my dreams of us , being carefree ... is dashed . i have lost them . my new year ... never did come is it ? I held on to those dreams .. but u dashed them . i'm so sad .. that my dreams can never be fulfiled ... ~ sorry ... reality .. am i in a real world ? please let me know .. that i'm in a dream .. i'm just living a very bad dream . i will wake up don't i ? somebody pinch me .. make me wake up ! i can't stand this dream anymore ...
i have lost my soul , i have lost the war , i have lost everything .... ~ Meaning ... is there any more meaning in life .. i was forced to give up .... i had no choice .. i'm in a dead end .... i have no road to go except this .. why am i forced to take this path .. i don't want to ! Cause i know .. i will never be happy .... so God .. take me away ... seriously .. i can't take this path ! Ben used to laugh .. used to smile .. used to crap ... can i be ben once again ? it's destineed ... U wished for me to be myself again .. i can't .. i can't .. cause this hole in my heart .. is just too big .... that no lady , no girl , no angel , no miracle can mend it .. my heart is dying ... i have lost my spirit .. soul . and it won't come back ... so sad to hear this .. No matter how hard i try ..to smile .. i can never really smile like b4 .... i have lost all my pride . I have given my all ... for nothing . ~ i'm helpless ... went to east coast yesterday .. i tot the sea would always be my friend to take my troubles .. and he never failed .. but he failed yesterday . it seems like the pain will stay .. but it's all right if i suffer ... i just keep it all inside .. just pretend to be happy ... i don't wanna let anyone down ... as long as everyone's happy .. ~ Miracles .. i believed in them .. but i've lost faith in them yesterday ... i have lost faith in everything .. myself ... i can't love myself anymore ... i can't love anyone else anymore ... but i just try to run away .... run far away .. i have to be a man ... i don't want to be . ~ My heart has died .. i can feel it ... 27 January 2004 ... i won't forget this day .... the day that destroyed my all ... destroyed that small bit of warmth in my soul .. sorry .. i can't be myself anymore ... ~ People change .. i thought i would never change .. but it seems like i'm wrong .. i'm entering a big change ... and i just try to come back .. try to run away .. i can't get back here .. they have got hold of me so tight .. i can't break free ... ~ Lost it all ... is it ? what bout my friends ... my parents .. sorry ... i can't live on with no soul .. i have let them down ... i have let myself down . ~ Warmth .. can i feel it again ? i feel so cold now ... angels .. guardian angels ... no .. none will come by to save me .. No miracle .. came and save my soul .. i was alone .. trying to save it .... But i can't , i have tried my best .... ~ is it my destiny to become someone like Squall ? Cold hearted man ... is it ? perhaps .. i don't wanna be like him .. but only fate will decide . Only heaven can decide . and i don't know how many more times he wanna play with me .. i'm tired ... so tired . I'm begging him ... let go of me ! but again and again .. he played me like a toy ... slap me .. kick me ... tore my heart out .. ~ it's hard .. to love without a heart ... but i try .. and i managed to do it ... but .. it's for nothing ... Heaven planned it again to be like this .. why ? i have lost faith ... in everything .. in myself ... Hope - that i have always believe in .. i've lost it ... ~~ Come on ben .. do you think u can move her heart just a little ? no .. u are a failure .... u are a fool . A silly fool ... to be laughed at . Love ... do you think u can trust love ? ASk yourself .. does true love ever existed on this earth ? Love is just a state of mind .. isn't it ? don't be dumb ... ~~ No ! i believe ... i just believe .. that one day .. won't we be together ? ~~ no you won't .. don't lie to yourself .... don't dream an impossible dream .. ~~ If there's just this small hope .. i will hold on ! i won't let go ! i will not give up ... ~~ Sign - You are one loser ... i don't understand why u wanna hold on to something that is not gonna happen .. Because u believe ? what crap is that ??!! Come on .. face up to reality . She will never be yours . Even if you be on your knees til the end of time ... she wun come to you . Face it . ~~ i will not give up no matter how small the chances are ! I have faith .. in heaven ... i know , he's not playing with me ! he knows .. he have seen .. how much i love her ... i believe he's not a cruel being .. i believe he will be touched ... ~~ seeing is believing ... look , is her heart at least with u ? No !! God damn it NO !! it's with another man ! GEt it right into your damn head ! So , just give it up u Fool !! do you want a slap from me to make u wake up ! Wake up from dreamland boy ... dreams will never happen , don't lie to yourself .. ~~ i have only 2 paths . One is to hold on ... the other is to die . I rather die ... than to let go . i rather u kill me .. than to let it go .... do you understand what is love ? True love ? Have u ever felt it .... you don't understand don't you? Have your tears ever flow for one girl whom u love very much ? Cry endless nights .. have sleepless nights ? Do you ever have that ? Did your heart almost stopped when she broke your heart ? Did your hands and legs turn cold when she have told you something so hurting ? HAVE YOU ?? so tell me .. is letting go .. my only path ... i don't wanna choose this path .. seriously i don't want to ! i rather just drift .. on the tides of fate ... ~~ My boy .. u have nowhere to go . Just go ... die if you want to . Die Silly BOY ! i don' give a damn . if you want somebody to pierce that sword into your heart , i will be glad to . Just call me . I will do it for you !! Come on , give it up u bastard ! There are so many girls on this earth .. u can have them all if you want... and come on , i bet there are prettier ones and better one ? why choose this girl ? Tell me ! Don't be dumb ... be selfish .. ~~ No .. i can't .. i won't , i will not !! i will never let go .. i can't love any other girl .... i wanna be happy .. can i ? ~~ But how can u be happy when heaven is not on your side ? U are gonna be hurt in the end ... why not just run away with another girl ? Come on .. don't be dumb ... Be SMArt !! Don't tell me u dun wan a prettier girl ? No man can resist this ! ~~No .. i don't want ... i won't be happy .. looks don't matter ... Yes .. heaven may not be on my side .. but i just .. try , try ... i try my best to love her ... ~~ You have lost your heart , soul . Don't lie ... you can't love anyone anymore ! YOu knOW it ! Don't lie to yourself ... ~~ then let me die ... let me die .. without her .. life won't be meaningful .... ~ ~You are right ... don't lie . Don't conclude . I believe other girls will take over her place in your lost heart . ~~ No .. they will never ... i just know it . Don't let me try .. i just can't ... i can't love anyone anymore !! i can only love her ... ~~ Poor boy .. trapped in such a world ... Stubborn .. Foolish is all i can say bout u . Go , go and fall into the endless pit . I have tried to guide you into a better path .. where u don't need to die ! where you don't need to suffer . i don't understand why .. why u bear to see yourself suffer ... why can't u let go .. ~~ Because .. i love her . From the bottom of my heart .. i love her . No one else . ~~ Goodbye Ben ... i will never see you again . cause i know , u will become a pathetic soul .. u will lose your everything .. continue being dumb .. stubborn .. What crap bout love ... Poor boy , fated to lose his all ...
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
My heart has broken .. ~ I have lost that flame in my heart .. all cold .... The answer is coming nearer .. so it seems like .. i'm loving someone for nothing .. and it's so sad ... And you say i'm a step too late .. it's never too late when V day still hasn't come ... only whether u mean to spend that day with me .. seems like u don't ... it's all right ... tears will flow ... wounds will deepen .... ~ That ray of hope is becoming smaller .. i don't understand .. all that i did ... didn't it touched u at all ? i'm going mad .. i drive myself crazy .. thinking of u ..... ~ i'm really not satisfied .. Why do i have to look for another date .. why do i have to spend Valentine's day with someone i don't love ... wHY !! i'm a pathetic soul .. really i am .. i pity myself .. that the end of my story ends like this ... ~ i'm tired ... for saying so much yet u dun budge ... your heart does not wake up .. now i know ..my heart has broken .. has absorbed so much damage for nothing ... really .. ain't i a failure ... i'm really a fool .... again and again .. i'm always the fool ... Cried endless nights ... for what ? i hold on .. for what ? REally ... FOR WHAT ??? just bcos i love u , just this fact . and u never seem to understand .... and what am i supposed to do ? Giving u up .. is like giving the world up ... how can u ask me to give the world up ? i rather die ... seriously .. than to live in a world without u ... ~ Valentine's day ... let me alone .. i have no choice .... i will cry .. cry ... and just pray ..pray to God ... beg him .. be on my knees .. to bring u to me .... Let me die .. let me die on that day ... ~ Yes .. i have become a man with no soul ... i have lost all that warmth i once had in my heart.. I can't breathe ..when my heart is broke in 2 ... nightmares haunt me .... Sleepless nights have got me bad .. ~ So GOd tell me ... is my story gonna end here ? My chapter ends here isn't it ? Yes .. with such a sad ending ... ~ i try to be a perfect man for you ... and now i ask myself again ..for what ? For what ? really ... for what ? i'm already on my knees ... there's nothing more i can do .. i'm going mad .... ~ No one is here to stand with me ... i'm all alone .. so what if she's not worth it ? i don't care !! I don't care ! She's who i love .. how can u ask me to give up who i love deeply .. truely ?!! i rather take thousands of swords in my heart than do that ... but now .. i'm so helpless ... so helpless . there's nothing more i can do .. Death is not the way i wanna go .. but heaven is pushing me there ... yes .. i'm only 16 +.. People don't understand the love i have for u ... whenever i think .. it will be of you .. nothing else . i will never be happy ... i will never be the guy all of u know .. take it that i never existed .... forget me .. forget the old me .. he will never never come back ! no miracle or angel will come by .. since that ray of hope becomes smaller ... no ... Swear .. each time and each time .. i swear ... each time and each time .. i cry . I promise . I pray . i hope . ~ Goodbye ... Ben will never come back .... he's trapped in a world far away ..
Monday, January 26, 2004
Fallen so hard , so fast ~ Btw .. the song in your journal is cool too ... i put this song although i do have other cool songs to put is to describe what we are going thru ... best frens falling for each other .. but apparently .. i think only one has fallen for the other ... is it ? ~ i'm falling sick .. could it be malaria or dengue fever ? or what u call bird flu ? There were lots of mosquitoes on the bus so it's like as if we are in a trap .. ~ my mind was twirling round and round when i was in the bus ... i'm so confused ... thinking .. whether ... we are fated .. whether i can give u happiness ... ~ didn't ask u out for Valentine's day b4 i go abroad ... i hate my decision for delaying .... cause .. i always lost someone after i take one small step back .. 4 years ago .. last year and now ... is Heaven performing another prank ? or is it that .. he's grooming me .. cause i hope .. another chance come by .... Although i may spend V day alone .. lost and cold ... although i will be disappointed .. i will never stop u from your decision , go for what u want .... really ... i will not hate u or condemn u .. ~ i have been dreaming lately .. it has been long since i had a dream .. but it a nightmare .. and it's comes after another ..each with different stories .. and it's about u .. i wake up cold .. so afraid ... that u have left me .. even as a fren .. ~ i wonder .. if this sickness that is about to come .. will bring me down ....if it is coming .. is it another test from heaven to let me see the truth .. let me know how much people care .... yes .. i wanna know the answer . ~ My soul is disappearing .. i can't feel any more warmth ... i feel so cold .. and i wish .. i wish i can be me once again ... although troubled at times.. i still can enjoy life .. and pretty crappy and crazy at times ... But now , a man without a soul .. child that has lost his way ... wondering which way is it to home .. home sweet home .... but he runs through valleys and mountains ..and find himself .. still trapped here ... all he needs is a miracle ..or an angel ...to pick him up ... ~ Is this the end of my story ? i know .. i know ..it wun end here ! I know ... we will be together in the end .. living happily ever after .. isn't it ? i know .. that wedding bells will ring one day for the both of us ... that we will exchange rings and all that ? ~ i can't be feeling like that if i want that day to come ... - a dying man ... can he be revived ? i really wonder ... why am i in such a state ... Pessismistic ? perhaps .. but i've lost someone i really love .. i can't help it but feel so down .... ~ hope i make a difference in people's lives ... so i can leave happily if i really have to .. it's all fate , Heaven's decision ... so .. in time ... we will know ... what did he planned for .. did he planned for my last chapter in the book ... in the story of love . ~ in life ... remember .. to go for someone u really love .. not to hesistate ...not to think twice .. just go for him/her if u really love the person ... or be prepared to lose that someone .. forever . Like me ... have no way to go now , no guidance ... just walk where the wind heads ... walking and walking ... forever .
Sunday, January 25, 2004
Back ~ first thing , i tot it was the end of the world man ! The plane said there were some winds so the flight got delayed then when the plane took off , it sure shook a lot and it was so scary man ! The whole trip , the plane was shaking so guess that no one can sleep ? haha ... ~ hmm .. didn't really really really enjoy my trip ... a lot was on my mind ..a lot ... and it's all bout u , was missing quite a lot .. and i tot it thru ... whether we can click and all this ... but forget bout it . i don't need to tell everything ... but yup , it was pretty cool la ... was so eager to get home ! i told my bro the first day of the trip , i can't wait to get home and he say SIAO !! yup .. pretty crazy lohz ... bought lots of stuff for my frens ... ~ Er .. i'm very sorry to say this ... you guys may think that i have fallen in too deep .. that i have fallen into this endless pit .. never able to get out ... yes .. i have fallen into this very deep pit .. and whether i can get out ... it's very hard to say . And one thing ... i have a good feeling ... that i can never be the man i was .. that's very sad to hear but ... it's true .. and i'm pretty upset with that ... and i'm afraid that people may mind that i have changed and may have some opinions or what ... Sorry , don't blame me if i can't be the man i was in the past ... cause so many swords have just pierced thru my heart .. i can hold on ... but some damages in life .. is permanent ... Sad to hear but .. it's true ... unless an angel comes by and save me ...
Wednesday, January 21, 2004
Destiny - Fate - Faith - Hope . i'll be here ..always .. i promise . ~ Today another day out with u ... really enjoy your company always .. and u .. always wanna wait for me to ask u go out hoh ... why u so like that ? i'm going off soon ... i don't know .. my cousin lectured me just now ..sort of la .. and now i'm having mixed feelings .. i feel so ... confused . But i really hope .. and pray hard .. our destiny crosses .. fate will bring us together .. that we'll have faith .. and we will know there is hope in the relationship ... ~ i hope .. i do hope .. u will change your mind ... ~ By the way .. there are some new stuff at the bottom of my journal so go check it out ~ i'm getting sick .. runny nose .. giddy ... don't know whether more will come .. but it's all right ... cause today is one happy day ... hope u enjoy it too ! ~ i'm really excited with one very impt day that is coming .. cause it will be one night to remember ... ~ Hmm ... SQ .. u dun sound so down when i talk to you .. cause it's all reality ! We can't run away .. anyway , i really do miss the old me .. and i'm sure a lot of people do hope the old me come back .. but i'm afraid .. Hong bin is very sick .. on a very very long leave .. and whether he will come back .. depends on one key . ~ and you arh .. i also miss the old u ! i want u to be totally carefree ! Love the way u are last time ... so please , do come back ! ~ hope everyone will take care in this period of time ..and i'm sure i will come back safe and sound ... so don't need to worry ! There will be no crazy ass to come chop me or any Rx-7 to come knock me down ! SQ arh !! don't worry ! And you also .. don't worry k ! gonna miss you a lot ... when u miss me , just hug my doggie ... my heart will be with u always . i'm off ... hope to see you on the day i come back ... miss all you guys !! Miss you esp !!
More than 12hrs to departure . ~ Going to Thailand in like .. a while .. when will i see u again ? i will sure be missing u a lot .. hope u'll be fine these 4 days ... pretty worried bout my dear girl ! haha ... please .. take care of yourself k ? For me ... perhaps will enjoy my trip .. but i will be definitely be busy shopping for your stuff so dun worry that u will get nothing k ... My buddies .. yup ..wun forget them too ... i'm afraid that they may think i'm not spending enuf time with them .. but i'm sure u guys will understand ... ~ Hmm .. met u like in 4 days in a row ? haha .. although we meet everyday , when i get home , i will start missing u so much .. so what to do ... Not going to see u for 4 days .. don't think i can tahan hoh ... Never mind ... take good care of yourself and hope u get many many hong bao , my buddies too , Gong Xi Fa cai ... Here's my good nights to you for every night , Good night X 3 .. Sweet dreams X 3 .. Miss you a lot X 3 , finally , love always ! X 3 ! .. haha .. lame hoh ? cause i dun wanna miss a thing ! Anyway .. i will be back guys ! Take care all .. hope the world wun change like in .. 4days ? The world did change after CLT course ... so hope this world will be the same ! ~~ Oh no .. my cousin ain't happy bout me lending u my phone .. explain to u next time we talk ...
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
Miss ya .. lots ~ Going to Thailand in like ... 1 day ? i wun be able to enjoy myself .. will be thinking of u lohz ... pretty worried ... but i will definitely be shopping for lots of your stuff so don't worry .. ~ my troubles are coming back .. why is it that u don't wanna do anything .. why is it that u must wait until something happens then u execute ..this is not the way .. one should never drag things .. cause u never know , what will happen . Trust me ... ~ ok .. on the day i come back , i will go look for u .. be back around in the afternoon .. so if i dun sms u in the afternoon or evening .. it means i'm not coming back ... haha .. Scaring u right ? no la .. u loh ! Don't appreciate me one .. just to make u guilty la ! just make sure u take care of yourself .. i will definitely go look for u on sunday .. hope u will be fine ... hope to see u safe too ... dun worry .. even if i fall sick ( looks like i'm gonna be ) .. i'll be fine .. so take care k ? miss you lots ..
ArrrGGGhhh!!!! ~ Damn ! Now you think i wanna go for her .. no no no no no no !! NEVer ! So dun misunderstand ... who wanna patch with her when i want u ? right ? logical ? haha .. u are all that i ever wanted ! really .. never unfaithful one lohz me ... die la .. that girl arh .. Hai me leh !! jia lat la .... what to do ! gonna kill her later man ! smash her into pieces ! Yeah !! Wah lao she .. i really really wanna kill her man ! Cong qian cong qian you ge ren ai ni heng jiu , xian zai , ta hai heng ai ni ! So please .. don't misunderstand ... cause u are one that i love deeply , truely . from the bottom of my heart ! Thanks a lot for that girl .. gonna rip her into pieces later ! So .. don't think wai wai hoh ... ok ? Trust me ... i really do wanna be with u and i am definitely not thinking of any other girl ! aiya ... i feel so useless leh ... never mind ... hope u trust me ..
TX : Yes .. i believe with her , i will be happy , cause she is the one that i truely love . Wei ling all these .. yes i loved them , but they ain't true love i guess ... cause this very girl .. could make me feel so many things i have never experienced b4 .... ~ Why let go dude ? I know i know ..she is not one very easy girl to get ..but come on , just try . i tell u , i don't think she likes another guy or what .... so please , why bother yourself with rumours ? Love , although it has hurt me so many times , hurt me so deeply , but at least now i'm still trying , my heart has broken so many times until i can really feel the pain in there ..that sharp pain , but i still try . Try and try . I have told her , i have tot of giving up but i have decided not to . Cause i feel.. hope .. and definitely if we have a relationship , i have TOTAL faith in her and the relationship . i know .. she may not make a very gf but it's my job to make her a better person too . So if you really like her and can imagine your life with her , go for it . At least you are fighting for someone who is there , some people has to fight for people who isn't even there .... ~ For you arh ... haha .. me seem to be your shopping partner liao hoh ... from Lay's potato chips , school file to nike shoes ... haha ... but i don't mind .. as long as you don't mind shopping with a guy . You know what , when i asked for the price of your shoes since u so lazy , the guy told me , Er ...That's for ladies .. this section over here is for men , haha.. i want to laugh sia .... he tot i was the one buying .. u la ! So lazy .. everything also i ask one .. never mind la ... my cousin also everytime ask me buy things for him esp food .. used to it liao .. ~ really hope u get out of your mess once again .... please .. don't step into the hole again ..cause when u stepped in again ... my hand will not be able to reach u and pull it out ... you will be forever stuck there . Hope we can spend happy days again ! So carefree and no troubles in our hearts ... ya ? Hope you become the small girl that i once knew , no troubles .. no worries ! Love ya always...
Monday, January 19, 2004
Ting Xian ~~!!!!! What the hell are u thinking ???!!! Are u letting her go just because u think someone like her ? Come on lohz .. fight for the one u love ! if you are gonna stay like that all your life , u will regret ... u will lose the ones u love , u understand me ? Come on ... 1 year plus ago , i wooed Hui xuan and i knew , i knew her answer would be no ! but i did not cared , at least i have tried , at least i get a No from her ... i did not give up on myself , at least i know , that i have did what i could . Why do u wanna give up during this war ? Come on .. fight til the end ! She may not like the other guy ..so what for care ? so PLEASE ! Don't think like that once again . And that girl becomes yours , i can gurantee you that u do not need to find another Gf in your life , she will be fated to be your wife . So please .. find yourself a nice girl ! And she's right there ..still single , so why give up ? i have no more to say .. the rest is up to u . ~ Went out with you today and got to know u a little more .. u have so much to say bout this world ! haha ..but .. really enjoyed being with u .... so what should i say .. don't know leh... thanks for making my day happy .. a happy day didn't come since my o's .. and i'm glad , u did not let go of me then ! haha .. shopping with u is so fun and meaningful ..even supermarket can become one of our shopping locations ... and remember my dear ! do not DO NOt give up on men ! At least .. don't give up on me ... don't be afraid to love once again .... at least , love me . Fate will tell us the answer ..and i hope it come soon k ? Miss and love you so much ... i'm gonna work and go overseas liao .. when will i see you again ? hope to see you soon ...
Forgive and forget ~ in this life ... we should not bear grudges against anyone who has done a mistake but not has changed .... forgive and forget . Never forget this . Like wan xin , i admitted i hated her a lot in the past but now , what for hate her anymore now that she has changed ? So people .. forgive and forget ! And colin was a guy i didn't like so much in the past .. but now that he has also changed , i don't blame him anymore ... Wei Ling has let me down so much , i have forgived her on the very day we broke up . My dear brother has treated me so bad in the past and he still treats me bad , but i forgive him for all his mistakes .. cause after all , he's still my brother , the one who loved me so much when i was small , the one that pulled the family together when my dad was not around . No matter what he do , no matter whether he slapped or whacked me how many times ( cause he's temper is as bad as mine but til now , he never really whack me but almost did ) , he will still be my beloved brother . So people .. do appreciate your siblings ... especially this girl i know , you know who u are . Please please , don't wish your brother to go away soon , for god's sake he's your bro ! we are all humans , we create mistakes and perhaps he is not mature yet . i was like him when i was a little smaller , giving attitude to my bro ... hating him wishing him to go away ... so please .... don't let go of your family . Your friends are the ones that may let u go when u really need them but remember , your family will never ! ~ So please .. forgive people , don't keep the wrongs of them in your heart .... like for U , you could have done quite some wrongs to me but still , i'm not letting go of you yet and i dare to say .. perhaps never . it's just that.... i feel that i should not keep these all in my heart cause it has all happened and what for cry over spilled milk ? all i want is for u to be happy .. so how can i do that with all these heavy burdens in my heart ? So i let them all go and i bet i have let u down some times yeah ? and for you to forgive me ... i'm happy . Cause i have my weaknesses... and they are great weaknesses ( e.g temper ) .. and i'm happy that u understand ... and for you to give up all your time to talk to me .. my crap .. my personal stuff , happy that u gave up all your time all these years for me . i'm very grateful ... no matter what happens , u will always be an angel in my heart .. and i hope you will be the only one cause in my life , there will only be 2 , you and my wife .. get what i mean ? i really do wish that u become who u are once again ... happy .. smiling and i hope me myself , to become the original man that i was , so i can be there for u once again .. to make u smile and laugh ... never to leave your side ~ !
pierced in the heart by one sword ~ i feel like a knight without a sword ... trying to save u with no weapon .. it's impossible ..so i got pierced in the heart .... can't breathe anymore .. dying and in the end ... i can't save u .. i cannot .. be your knight in shining armor anymore ..i have failed . i am trapped alone in this world , just like what happened to Squall at the end of the story , after the war with the soceress .. he went to a different world from all his friends , helpless ... he just tries his best .. and walk and walk ... hoping there will be an exit . Fortunately .. someone was there to save him .... but is there someone to save me ? will my fate be the same as him or will i suffer a tragic end in the story ? ~ don't find me childish talking bout an Fantasy story ... cause Final Fantasy 8 changed me .. i have such mindsets and thinking is because of the game . it really touched me ... and changed me . Hui xuan and wan xin , this probably explains why i have said those things to u all , u probably think that it's pretty crazy to come from such a man , but it's true .. no one lives forever , so we should at least cherish time with them .. ~ i just wish for you that u will find happiness ..for life ... so heatbroken to see you going through all this.. so sad that u have to cry somemore ... i want u so smile .. always . Never a moment that u will feel depressed or whatever ... let me hold ur hand to bring u to somewhere far away ..no cruelty , no pain .. no worries , just we 2 . together always ...
Traitors - Betrayal . Buddies remain loyal . ~ could i be backfired ? i don't know .. i need to have a talk with my buddies .... Cause now , the situation has changed .. we are like the Axis ( GErmans ) , he is the Allies ( America ) .. and part of the axis has joined the Allies .. now could it be that .... all the axis will join the allies except me ? Yes .. my dear buddies , i do dislike him but i don't blame him , cause damn it , it's my own doing .. i have no one to blame except myself ! So .. i just try to as nice to him as i can ... apparently , i am not as open to him liao ... but this is all i can do . i'm sure he has realized the attitude .... but , May anne .. u understand me the most so u definitely know why do i do this ... not able to separate personal life from ncc .. why am i unable to treat him a little better . i'm confused... i definitely have full trust in my buddies ...cause i know , no one , no man can break this loyal ties between us . i feel so sad ... so depressed .. so heartbroken ..to see u like that .. unable to even smile .... God damn it .. i can't even do anything ! i hate myself ..... what can i do ? what should i do ? now .. i wish to save u from this hell but i can't ... i can't ..... now u are cying over there ... i can't do anything .. i wish to fly over there .. to lend u a shoulder .. but i can't ! why is this all fated .... God damn it ! now .. i have this headache and it's getting stronger ... don't know whether i can go anywhere later anot .. let me be the one to bring u away from this cruel world , all u need to do is just stretch out your hand ... and we'll fly away from here . Trust me , just believe in me .....
Sunday, January 18, 2004
AnothER day ~ Leave it to fate , i believe we will be together if we are fated .. the barriers will disappear if our destinies lies together .. but i really do hope God .. plan us to be together .. and forever we will be ... happily ever after . Cause without u in my life , i'm a lost man , spiritless , Don't know where to go... do not fear that my parents mind or what ... my parents have toTAL faith in me , my choices , my mother just wants my gf to be not bad looking and kind and all that ... no more . Trust me ... age and height or whatever , she does not mind . Everyday i wish ..that the world will change ..that Heaven .. has planned it all out ..that we will be together cause i really wanna spend my life with u ! haven i told u b4 .. if u are gonna migrate .. i don't know what to do .... i will be one souless man i gurantee ... cause i have sort of lost one person who is the most important in my life . Although u have disappointed and i have let u down .... you will be always my angel in my heart . never to change that fact . Love stays .. always . All i wanna do now ..is just to love u a little more , make your life more enjoyable and happy .. make u to be a better person .... ~ When i enter ur journal site ... the very first person i see is Yuna .. and i wish that someday .. u can be like her .. smiling always . And the song .. just makes me wanna cry ..so much ... especially when i read along .... Tears wanna flow .. but i'm getting pretty fine here so don't worry... just feel very troubled at times ... i'm off , hope .. my day of sunshine will come , and i will find u beside me one day ... staying lost in that moment.. never shall time pass . True love never fades ..and it shall not . Love u always ...
Unstable State of mind ~ Yesterday .. we went KFC to eat .... when we were about to go home .. he stood right in front of me .. suddenly ..this anger boils in my heart ... mood and face changed ... almost burst . Life ... just turns out to be the way i dun wanna it to be . i feel so sad when u dun wanna give it a shot ... Try and Try . If not , you will not succeed - MVP Qing ren . i remember this very phrase . So , i usually never say die . Cause i know .. all u need is just to try , no matter how slim your chances lie . Broken , heart still struggles to piece every part together .. but just one mild shot , will break everything again . Hope i will recover soon ... Cause i don't wanna trouble my friends cause they need to spend time on me , esp one girl cause when i'm depressed , i will go to her . Yesterday changi was so cold ... so cold ..that i couldn't sleep .. shivering a lot ... regretted not bringing windbreaker ... and this coldness stays in my body until now . i still feel very cold ... that warm blood don't run thru my body . Just wished for someone to hug me yesterday . Almost froze . Getting pretty unwell .. stomach having some probs .. leg still swollen ... back feels pain . But i should be going to the Doc sometime soon .. so there's no need to worry . For you , i really don't know how to face u sometimes .... i've let u down .. and that .. the feeling just suck when the one u love is right in front of u and yet , u can't even have them .. i fear that i would change too . So .. i maybe a different man after all these . And i don't wanna change anymore ... cause i know .. if i change .. it will be for the worse . ~ remember the Song Swear it Again ? Yes .. i'm really glad ..to be on this one way street , just u and i . Never to let u go !
Saturday, January 17, 2004
Hope ~ once again .. i feel hope in my life again .. Flame is still burning ..trying its best ... 4 u , i will never give up .. never let go .. unless the day comes that u did a drastic mistake again ... and , i wun try to interfere with u anymore .. u have a mind of your own , unless u need some advices , i will help ... cos i want u to know , that u drowned yourself when i was there trying to catch your hand ... u didn't appreciate so from now on , i will change myself . i believe the decision of whether u wanna be with me still lies in ur hands . You hold the key , i can't do anything . i seriously wanna be with u , until the end of time and trust me ... i really do love u . if i have no choice but to run away from this path , u have to gurantee me that u will be happy and make ur own choices well . Perhaps .... one day , u will realise .. Love doesn't take into account how we look like , what great differences we have , whichever world we come from , as long as we love each other . i really do hope .. the new year comes . i have been waiting ... still waiting ..and never let go of the dream of it coming true .... so troubled lately ..so sad that i cannot be myself .... i am .. no longer the Ben u know ... no longer Alive and kicking . Perhaps .. after all this ... i will change .. into a man that i dun wanna be ... undesirable consequences ....
Friday, January 16, 2004
A man without a soul . Dying ~ Woke up this morning .. Gave a Sign and headed for the toilet .. after that .. took up my hp and check for msgs ..that's the first thing i will do in the morning ... haiz .. so i wonder again ... is there any warmth left in my life ? feel so cold everywhere i go ... just wish ... for someone to hug me .. let me know that i'm still alive .. that this world is not a cold one .... that i'm not alone .... ~ Today and tomorrow .. my biggest fear , that i may get out of control .. and there goes a bashing frenzy ... and it will be the day , i lose my rank . Cause .. now , my mind is not in control ...it is my heart .. filled with anger and sadness . i cannot take anymore things into me now . No one understands is it ... what pain do i suffer .... such events that i'm going through .. it's not easy ... not easy..for a man to still be able stand .. ~ Darkness falls ... i see dark everywhere .. my eyes cannot focus anymore ... Wake up every morning to see my eyes swollen .. perhaps i cry every night in my sleep . in a week's time .. i will be overseas .. and i wonder .. will it be really an holiday ? will i be able to take a break .. will i ... make it ? i can't concentrate on whatever i do ... i'm losing it . And to think that no one is here to stand with me .... so sad , that you aren't here . Lies ... betrayal , truth .. ~ i hope everyday , before i sleep , tomorrow never comes , just wanna wake up .. to find myself in a different world .. a peaceful world .. no cruelty ... no lies . Heart still bleeds ..and it beating its very last moments .... my parents .. i've let them down ... i could not give them a simple thing called " Love " .. cause i did not treat them well these years ... i just wanna tell my mum now that , i love her a lot ... and i really do cherish her ..Sorry for all that i've done .. Sorry that i did not give her just one bit of love . Her beloved son has disappointed her .. a lot . And i just wish .. to go back to the day i was born ... so i could just treat her better . Be the man that i am not today ... be a happy guy .... able to smile everyday ... not like who i am today , souless .. dying . But i'm struggling ... to live on . For my frens , parents , i won't give up .. but if darkness takes over ... it's gone . That will be my last breath . Fate decides .. Sooner or later , it will come . We can't decide our destiny ... is it ? am i fated to have a life filled with pain and anger ? Perhaps it's all decided ...
Thursday, January 15, 2004
a man without a soul . I don't know whether i should care for u anymore .... cause .. u never seem to heed my advice .... i really .. done all i can ... done what i could not done also ... Tomorrow NCC ..and i'm sort of the OIC ... damn .. how am i gonna lead the programme .. and i'm not really in the mood ... and i fear ..that i may get out of hand and whack someone ..and you know who that will be . and one thing ... please do not DO NOT betray my trust in u , first is that i trust that u wun take a step nearer after i give him your no. , God damn it , you took ... and YOu did it behind my back .. THAt's INcreDibLE ! And now .... you know what u did ... that's amazing ... CAuse God damn it u are the person in the whole damn world i trust the most and u did it 3 tIMES ! and i could forgive your first 2 mistakes , that's really incredible of me and yes , a man cannot do this ! And yet ... you did it one more time ... 2 unforgivable mistakes ... so u tell me .. should i have trust in u anymore ? i don't know ... cause .. it may happen again .. and i get hurt .. not u .... ~ i wonder why .. why do i still get dumped ..or don't even recieve love .. when i loved them deeply , did no thing to disappoint them , cause i know they may think Some other girl will make me forget you're mine , so .. i looked at no girl on the street ... ~ Treated U so well ..and yet u do this to me ... i don't understand ....so is Heaven telling me that ... it's not worth it to treat someone well ... perhaps . No need to love your Gf anymore ... just let fate decide .. do nothing bout it ... Flirt with girls .. it's all right .. IS IT ? i don't understand why ... ok , so what if we are not together ? can u at least love me as your best fren ? why can't u do it .... ~~ Disappointed with life . Wanna let go of everything .. and i really hope , tomorrow never comes .
Long Goodbye ~? i wake up this morning ..to feel this pain in my heart ....it's getting worse everyday .. i'm no longer myself .... i just wish .. that i can be happy once again . But now that things are like that .. how to ... it's really tough .. to hold on to the hope that things will get better everyday .... Betrayed and betrayed , again and again .... no man can take this .. i have gone beyond my limits .... try it again and the friendship is gone .. trust me . i'm both very angry and sad .... cause .. i'm always hidden from the truth.... GOD DAMN IT !!! i'm very mad ! i don't believe it ! why do i always get such F***ing treatment .... tell me , i deserve all this ? tell me why do u do such hurting things again and again ... i'm very tired already ... u tell me to hold on ..... please give me a situation that i CAN ! i have already done the impossible ..don't expect me to do more .... if you wanna use a sword to pierce right thru my heart , just do it .... don't break my heart bit by bit .. what is it that u want ? i don't understand .... What more do you want ...... i really cannot TAKe it AnymoRE ! without my friends support .. i would have hit my head on the wall .. and i guarantee you that i WouLd have do it ... i don't even get a sorry from you this time around ...... so .. you think it's all right ? i have told you .. no matter how much my heart breaks , i don't care as long as you are HAPPY ! but you ARE not ! GOD damn IT ! Tell me ... why do you let our troubles keep coming aGAIN AND AGAIN !!! i'm GOing MAD !! i can't take it anymore .... i'm losing it .. You don't have the heart to Reject him but u have the heart to Reject me ? What the hell ! i don't believe ! Suffer if you want to .... i have told u , I don't want u to have regrets , but i can't stop u from doing that ... haven't u learnt more bout love all these years ? seems like u haven ... and that's very sad .... WHY !!! why do i have to suffer this kind of fate ... again and again the pain comes ... and it never leaves .... something's gonna happen to me .. i can guarantee... it will come soon .. very soon .
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
Meaningful Life . i was feeling bit bored just now and i flipped thru some pics of mine ... hmm ... i laughed at my own baby pics .. couldn't believe it was me .. my bro too ... who loved me so much and took real care of me ... my parents sure take a lot of pics of the both of us ! a lot man .... and saw my parents when they were young .. haha .. very comical .. my dad had long hair last time ! My mum don't look very pretty..she looks better now . i looked so comical with my specs .. ya know ..those big and round ones ... Yeah .. Life is pretty meaningful , memories should be cherished .. the times me and my ncc buddies went thru .. camps ... the blood we shed together .. i will never forget .. and not to forget my CLt buddies ... always look forward to the night ..so the few of us can go bonkers in the bunk .. Micheal.. Wei jie .. andy .. Derrick and issac ..of cos me too .... The few of us will create some real havoc. Yes .. i will never forget my cLT course ..and the moment i put on my rank ... the moment i marched into the parade ground ... in the flag party .. people who stood against me and with me ... i just can't forget ! Rank is what you wear .. Respect is what u earn .. i will never forget this phrase passed down from NCC ancestors . Pride .... , So .. at least .. i should live on for everyone .. death is definitely not the easy way out .... it's just another coward solution . Face .. up to reality .. i just missed the times i had with everyone last time . Jian sheng .. ting xian and me ... we look so TOOT when we were in our small boys age .. Jian sheng with his round black specs .. me with my incredible big head .. Ting xian arh .. i don't know leh , but i will remember what GAry said , he said .. we will be friends forever ..and forever we will be ! he said this in primary 2 .. and i remembered it ..til this very day . Secondary school life is NCC all the way ... everything we do is NCC , we don't have spare time ... all our time is spent on NCC .. and yes .. i don't regret ... cause NCC made me who i am today . Very grateful to simon though .. without him ... i really don't know whether i can be a CLT today ... i have always said .. i feel so proud .. just to put on a Corporal Rank ... cos i know .. we gone thru a lot . My parents ... watched me grown from so small to so big .. pretty incredible ... 16years passed ..... my dad and mum ... changed so much .. People leave the family .. but i know ... we will always be united as the NGs !! Martin .. my dear cousin ... really , without u , i wun have this sense of humour .. thank God for u ! Memories ... fades away .. but i really do hope that they wun go .. i want them to stay here forever . And of cos , maY anne .. we really met in such a funny way.. i would laugh everytime i think of it ... but i'm very happy ..that our paths crossed ... and we will never be apart .. never , i promise . You were always there for me when i needed somebody .. there to share my joys ... remember ? the moment once wei ling agreed to be my Gf .. i called you right away .... i can't be any more grateful to heaven for sending u down to be my best fren .. my best pal ! Just like an angel in disguise sent from heaven .. i know , that we will never part ! ~ Love everyone .. always... cherish everyone ..even the ones u hate ..cos u know ..they have changed your life or made your life meaningful some way or another ..
Wake up once again ... Cold . yesterday .. after i've used the net ... i just felt so down ... just want to have a nice chat with someone ... no one comes by ..beverly ..nah .. think she got school ... Adelene not at home .. precilla...don't dare call ..so late liao .... but .. i really needed someone .. thoughts just ran wild .. heart never calms down . Hui xuan said she could ..but i've said ...i don't wanna spoil anybody's day/programme bcos of me .. cos u were watching tV .. but we still end up on the phone .. really thank God that u came along and pick me up from the endless pit .... i thought i may not be able to really chat ..and end up wasting each other's time .. but u just cheered me up with your crap .. thanks anyway! i'm still facing life ..with this deep hole in my heart..how much longer can i hold on .. trying my best ...not to fall .... hold on .Heart bleeds .. it's draining my last bit . Not gonna make it .
Tuesday, January 13, 2004
i really wish ...to go to somewhere ..preferably the beach ..with someone ...and cry it all out ... cos i just feel so much pain .. so lost ... so hurt .. that i wanna cry is also not good ..cos my eyes are getting red everyday and swollen .... so i hope .. the suitable someone will come by .. but now .. i think adelene is the best for the job ..cos she trys to understand.. and shares my tots and views. the song " how did i fall in love with u " plays in my heart ... cause it really describes me quite a bit .... i really don't wanna be alone .. tonight ... My temper goes off very easily ..that my mum just say me for a while .. and i can give her some F*** up attitude .. what's this ... didn't i promised that i cherish them from that very day onwards ? but sorry .. i really can't control it . i get very moody sometimes ... spoiling everyone's mood .. i see everyone pretty happy yet i can't feel the same with them . a Spoiler . it's so sad ... Haiz .. that u can't love me .. or dun even love me .... if there's so much u mind .. i have nothing to say ... i can't do anything .... i really feel pretty troubled when i'm with u ... i hope that .. there will be one day .. that i could hold your hand ..and run away ..to a world with no cruelty .... where we would be so carefree . but .... in time .. the answer will come .. and ...it seems like it's not on my side ..... life is just so disappointing . They say .. you don't care who they are ... dun care how they look .. don't care where they are from .. as long as love him/her .. nothing matters .. so i dun really understand this ..... i hate what i'm feeling . is it ..the undesirable solution ..to end all this pain ? i really hope not ...
Monday, January 12, 2004
haiZ ... ain't life bit ... boring ? no .. just that i can't see the one i love ... haiZ ... putting u in a very tough position ain't i ? i just don't feel like giving it up ..even though there is very little hope .. chance .... i'm still not letting go ... but if this is the path u wanna choose .. u wanna take ... i don't have much of a choice do i ? Yes .. i may hurt ..but it seems like .... the route here is fixed .. unless a miracle comes by ..... no .. if u see me like that .. then u think bout being with me .. i rather u don't .. cos that is bcos of pity ... then that will not work out .... damn .. i'm really going mad . really lost .. i don't know letting it go or holdin on to the almost impossible is right .... now .. i can't even follow my heart .. cos there's not much of a choice left ....... but really .. i wanna be with u .
if that is what u think ..then .... it's a little too bad for me .. but i don't mind ..if that is what u want . i have no choice .... but to see ..if i can run away from reality .. i wish i would succeed .... but i'm afraid .. havin so many relationships once again .. the answer is still u .... why don't u just give each other a chance .. yes ... i don't wanna destroy it all ..but what could go wrong ? i know ... u make a pretty bad Gf.. i can't deny .... but .. i wun mind .. cos i have faith ..hope in my heart ..to change u into a better person. Yes .. my dear cousin is telling me to give up ..saying that .... ya know what la .. although his advices are supposed to be heeded but this time ...no way .. i must have a mind of my own ... follow my heart . So .. i'm really confused ... whether to give it up or not .. both have their consequences ... good or bad .. i dun know .... so .. risk it ... i have told u haven't i ? Life is full of risk .. run away .. and in the end , u are not happy .... why can't you just have faith in the both of us ... no one is not afraid .. i admit , i myself IS ! so what's wrong ? all right ... i don't force u cos nothing will come out ... hai.. if only i could put someone else in my shoes ... he will probably understand ... that the fact stays .. i love u .
Sunday, January 11, 2004
i'm getting out of hand .... my temper goes off now very easily ... my dear frens .. please forgive me if i ever ever scream at u .... cos i dun mean to ..it's just that ..... i'm getting a little way off ..perhaps of the troubles that never seem to go away in both mind and heart ... i still feel weak in the heart ... i'm also lost ... confused .. my mind cannot work well lately .... cos .. i can see whether ... there is hope in the both of us ... and it's pretty hurting ... and the worst is .. i have no one to confide in .... cos they dun really understand ... Hui xuan ? nah .. i dun wanna trouble her ... Adelene .. she's working .. and she has problems of her own .. so how .. all i can do .. is just to sort out my own tots .. and recover .. both mind and body ... getting pretty unwell lately ... Hope to get better lohz..since work may be coming ... i don't wanna worry my parents ... but still .. my heart still feels pretty weak .. i don't know why .. sometimes have difficulty breathing .. damn ! what's happening ! and guess what my dear edwin .. thanks for sliding me when i'm gonna jump and lay the ball ... now my toes are sprained and they have an incredible blue black .... Back to the subject ... yup..ying hui .. u are right ... life ain't all bout girls .. i know .... but ..it's hard to explain . Ain't life so boring now .... wanna get out of such a life .. stop thinking bout everything ... ytd .. i laid down on the bball court .. look right above .. the Skies .. clouds .. stars ... the feeling was just incredible .. if only i could watch the skies with u ... be carefree always .... off from troubledland . All i hope ... is for me to get better ... i don't wanna worry my parents if anything happens to me .. get these temper problem off me .. i dun wanna scold my frens for nothing ...really ... so please.. get these out of me !
Saturday, January 10, 2004
i don't know ...
so .. what's my decision ... my heart tells me ... hold on .. my mind tells me .. other wise .. but now i have decided .... i was supposed to guide her .. to be a better girl ..to be a better person .. ermm ... GF arh .. let's take a look on how we treat each other first .. then we know the answer .. i'm not tryin to humiliate u or what ..but really .. even my cousin says .. she dun even treat u as her best fren ! but i still have to hear your side .. dun accuse u for nothing ..Cos .. i was saying all this while ... why didn't u call me and all that .. i dun wan history to repeat ... since we rely on msg now .. i hope u drop a msg to tell me what u are doing .. where u are .. ur plans .. all that k ? when u are free and available then do that .... don't u notice that every morning u would see my msg ? cos .. it's pretty sweet to wake up seeing such msgs ... i always get disappointed to wake up .. see nothing on my hp ...
And remember .. i will never give up on you .. unless u create another drastic mistake .. then we will say ... but i will never ever give up ... just want to let u know ..hope u get back to your original self ... and one thing .. why are u still meeting him ? really ... for what ? dun flare up after i say this .. if u cannot be mean here then why can u be mean to ignore me all these years ? i am trying my best not to be petty or selfish and all that ... but .. i'm really going beyond my limits ... i hope u understand what type of person scorpio is .. it's my nature yet i go against it .... plus .. u know me best ! btw .. the whole world is telling me to give up on u ... saying all this and that .. but i will nv allow all these to enter my heart ... i will follow it ...
Thursday, January 08, 2004
Are you here .. with me in my dreams ?
follow my heart .. now that my heart is gone ... what do i follow ? i really need to know .. how to end these wars .. cos i dun wanna fight no more .. i want to stop being hurt ... i dun understand , i dun underSTAND !! what this world wants .. why do people ..... haiz ... just let everything go .. dun expect anything from anyone .. be selfish .. stop giving so much ....just .... fly away from here .. leave this world .... here without you ..... it seems that you can never wanna be with me .. it's hard .. to give up who u love .. but i have to learn .... i have to .. all i wished ... was to be with u .... but i should give it up .. although it's hard to accept .... and for u .. if u wish to leave me .. u can .. i dun blame u ..cos i'm not a good guy anyway .... i make people more hurt .. i give people hard times ... i don't make anyone feel better .. i should leave everyone .... let them be happy ..
together forever ? yes .. i hope we can be .... my heart will always be with you .. i'm a failure .... so .. is it ..that i have to leave ? for you to be happy ..
Go .. if u have to !
my heart has froze ... i feel so cold .. so weak ... is this what i'm hearing ? i can't even stand up or walk well ... i dun believe .. is it affecting me too much ....
This is the first time ... i feel like that ... i felt that .. i have just been shot in the heart..right thru ...and now i can't breathe .... a sword .. has pierced right thru .... frozen in time ...
why do i have to make such difficult sacrifices ... why do i have to let the one i love go always ... if i lose u .. then everything that i ever knew ... becomes a lie ..but i have to let u go ... LET HER GO BOY !! ACCEPT THE fact ! She's never gonna be yours .... i can't ! i can't take it lying .... i can't accept it !
my heart ... beats slower ... gonna stop any moment .... so what i say .. could it be true ? i have to go .. for her happiness ? really ... i need some answers ...
i can't move .. my heart has froze ...is this what i'm hearing .. so this is the truth ....
Against all odds.... selfish .. i am selfish ! my body .. has turned cold ... it's all my fault ! that she's in this state .... For the first time .. my broken heart has bled ...
Lost in sadness .. i'm so lost ... where to go now ? i really dun know ... i cannot follow my heart now ... standing still .. i can't do anything to make her feel better ... cos i myself ... is not doing well ...
What a fool i am .. u say u are gonna make her happy ! what are u doing ??!!!! You ought to be shot .. u deserved all this !! just let her go ! why hog on to her .... they say , if you love somebody .. you should set them free so what are u doing ?
dun hope for her to be by your side one day ... dun ask for so much .. run away kid ! dun come back .. run away from reality and everything would be all right .... so why are u still here ... lie to yourself !
accept it ... if she's not meant to be yours ... just .. accept it .. what can you do.. no matter how much u pray .. how much u hope ... dun be a fool ...
Cold ... i feel so cold ... just hope for some warmth right now ...
my heart has froze ... i feel so cold .. so weak ... is this what i'm hearing ? i can't even stand up or walk well ... i dun believe .. is it affecting me too much ....
This is the first time ... i feel like that ... i felt that .. i have just been shot in the heart..right thru ...and now i can't breathe .... a sword .. has pierced right thru .... frozen in time ...
why do i have to make such difficult sacrifices ... why do i have to let the one i love go always ... if i lose u .. then everything that i ever knew ... becomes a lie ..but i have to let u go ... LET HER GO BOY !! ACCEPT THE fact ! She's never gonna be yours .... i can't ! i can't take it lying .... i can't accept it !
my heart ... beats slower ... gonna stop any moment .... so what i say .. could it be true ? i have to go .. for her happiness ? really ... i need some answers ...
i can't move .. my heart has froze ...is this what i'm hearing .. so this is the truth ....
Against all odds.... selfish .. i am selfish ! my body .. has turned cold ... it's all my fault ! that she's in this state .... For the first time .. my broken heart has bled ...
Lost in sadness .. i'm so lost ... where to go now ? i really dun know ... i cannot follow my heart now ... standing still .. i can't do anything to make her feel better ... cos i myself ... is not doing well ...
What a fool i am .. u say u are gonna make her happy ! what are u doing ??!!!! You ought to be shot .. u deserved all this !! just let her go ! why hog on to her .... they say , if you love somebody .. you should set them free so what are u doing ?
dun hope for her to be by your side one day ... dun ask for so much .. run away kid ! dun come back .. run away from reality and everything would be all right .... so why are u still here ... lie to yourself !
accept it ... if she's not meant to be yours ... just .. accept it .. what can you do.. no matter how much u pray .. how much u hope ... dun be a fool ...
Cold ... i feel so cold ... just hope for some warmth right now ...
ACT. 2 [ For you .. i try to be perfect . ]
People always say ... they are not perfect .... they make mistakes .. so they are to be forgiven but no ... for you i try to be perfect ..so that i dun hurt you in any way .. make you happy always ...i've told myself ... for you to be happy .. even letting you go , i'm all right with it .. all i just have to do .. is to lie ... to myself ... to my heart ... and run away from reality ...
so tell me .. are u happy with him ? are you happy with me ? i need to know these answers ....
So what does this world wants from me when i'm trying my best ..... i'm already very tired .. but i'm still trying ...
perhaps .. i should not be the man that i am now ... stop loving everyone .. take others fro granted .. in this way .. i wun be so hurt ...
i just wanna spend my life with u .... is that so hard to get ? i dun know .. but the answer lies in heaven ... only he knows ... run away ..is what he always try to tell me ... from the truth .. facts .. the real world ...
hai yao duo jiu wo cai neng zai ni shen bian .. i ask myself this everyday ... i wonder will i ever see you again ? ni hui deng dai hai shi li kai ? or will you be like what the song goes ... in the end .. you still left .. is it ?
i know i shouldn't say much.. but from now onwards .... i try not to tell u how i really feel ..cos that will hurt you more ... so what is really in my heart .. will be in here ... i just have to keep it all inside .. no matter how hurt i am ... no matter just how much more my heart breaks ...
i wake up every morning ..cold .... wishing there to be warmth in my heart ... as the song goes .. wo shi guo wo zhe ni shou
dan pian pian yu jian jian
da dao wo kan ni bu jian.... the closer we get ... the further we will drift ... we just can never get together again .... why did heaven plan it in such a way ? i wanna know ...
yes .. you sometimes think you dun really know me ... i agree.. cos even i myself is confused ..bout who i am ... i just wanna find out .. who really i am ...
People tell me this .. tell me that ...even my own bro .... but .. i'm still holding on .. i dun know how much longer i can hold ..but i just try my best ... tired .. too tired ... my lifeline is running out ...
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
The new year awaits ..
Troubledland i have once again entered ... i have been trying to get out of this place for ages but never did i step out of it ..
perhaps i should just let everything go .. dun trust love again .... never to love anyone once again .. cos i'm too broken ... really .. i have been waiting ..for you to be at my side .... but .. why is it still like that ....
Megan and Martin saw my black face today ... really .. i wasn't happy at all .. i tried to but .... i just couldn't stop thinking ..
EVeryone told me .. even my bro .... u can't do anything ! u are not her bf or what ! u are just a fren ! you can do nothing ! U have no Right ! NO RIGHT !
Yes .. perhaps they are right .... i just lead my life ... is it ?
the truth .. the facts .... so hurting .. Run away .. from reality .... the truth .. i dun wanna get hurt again ... break down again ..
i really dun know what to say to describe myself .. i wish to be free once again .. to be happy ..... with u in my new life ! but this drags on .... and on .. when will i have u in my new life ?
Everyday .. i hope ... you will end it with him ... and thinking .. you are in this state .. cos it's all my fault .... my fault ..... i cause unhappiness to everyone .. isn't it ?
Tell me what makes a man .... everytime .. i have sorted matters of the past in both heart and mind ... but life just gets sader .. worse .... why is it so hard .. to be me ... tell me .. why is there always people hurting me ... i am broken enuf !
So what if u break up with him ? u wun be with me ... so why shld i interfere ? why shld i rush u so much ? haiz.... so life will always be sad for me isn't it ... why not i just become a cold man .. stop sharing my burdens .. stop hurting people ... just leave myself away from everyone .. dun give people more troubles ...
People tell me ... you are too young to think bout all this .. you are right but ... at least give me a memorable teenage life ! What i'm experiencing is .... i can't describe .. if i get and deserve this for everyone's freedom from trouble , i dun mind ! but my frens they are also troubled .. why ?
i just hope .. that i dun wake up tomorrow ...really ... cos this pain .. i can't take it anymore .. my heart can't withstand it anymore .... it's too broken ...
Troubledland i have once again entered ... i have been trying to get out of this place for ages but never did i step out of it ..
perhaps i should just let everything go .. dun trust love again .... never to love anyone once again .. cos i'm too broken ... really .. i have been waiting ..for you to be at my side .... but .. why is it still like that ....
Megan and Martin saw my black face today ... really .. i wasn't happy at all .. i tried to but .... i just couldn't stop thinking ..
EVeryone told me .. even my bro .... u can't do anything ! u are not her bf or what ! u are just a fren ! you can do nothing ! U have no Right ! NO RIGHT !
Yes .. perhaps they are right .... i just lead my life ... is it ?
the truth .. the facts .... so hurting .. Run away .. from reality .... the truth .. i dun wanna get hurt again ... break down again ..
i really dun know what to say to describe myself .. i wish to be free once again .. to be happy ..... with u in my new life ! but this drags on .... and on .. when will i have u in my new life ?
Everyday .. i hope ... you will end it with him ... and thinking .. you are in this state .. cos it's all my fault .... my fault ..... i cause unhappiness to everyone .. isn't it ?
Tell me what makes a man .... everytime .. i have sorted matters of the past in both heart and mind ... but life just gets sader .. worse .... why is it so hard .. to be me ... tell me .. why is there always people hurting me ... i am broken enuf !
So what if u break up with him ? u wun be with me ... so why shld i interfere ? why shld i rush u so much ? haiz.... so life will always be sad for me isn't it ... why not i just become a cold man .. stop sharing my burdens .. stop hurting people ... just leave myself away from everyone .. dun give people more troubles ...
People tell me ... you are too young to think bout all this .. you are right but ... at least give me a memorable teenage life ! What i'm experiencing is .... i can't describe .. if i get and deserve this for everyone's freedom from trouble , i dun mind ! but my frens they are also troubled .. why ?
i just hope .. that i dun wake up tomorrow ...really ... cos this pain .. i can't take it anymore .. my heart can't withstand it anymore .... it's too broken ...
Tuesday, January 06, 2004
will i see a different tomorrow ?
Here we are ... at the same spot again .... will i see another different day ? that i can be with u ...
Standling alone now .. against all odds .... i'm still holding on .. but ... will there be a day when i cannot take it anymore ...
People tell me this and that ... i get hurt everytime they talk bout u .... but i tell myself ... nv to lose trust in you ... i have to hold on no matter what ....
The sad thing is .. i always hear people talking bout you and him ..but not you and me ..... so depressed .. troubled ... sometimes just wanna let it all go .. i'm still waiting ..waiting for you to come along so i can grab u and bring u to lead a new life ...
it's not easy to be me .. or u .... i try to understand ..and dun blame u ....
So .. is my life this way ? my destiny ? filled with worries ..troubles ... never to end ...
ok .. i say something but u must promise me you dun get angry .. just expressing how i feel ... u said u were gonna call me but u took 1hr to call .. how much does this call mean to u ? meaningless ? it's me u are gonna call .. not any stranger .. i am TROUBLED .... and how long u take to call ... shows how much u care ... is it ? without adelene .. my mind probably ran wild and i probably gonna have another quarrel with u ....
So u get it ? i hope to wake up one day .. to see a message from you on my phone .. no need for me to be always the one to msg u in the morning ....
sometimes .. u have to make a effort to meet me too .... not always me asking .... if not .. there are bound to be problems u see .... something for messaging ..phone ... it dun have to be me everytime ....
i'm still troubled .. until the day u are away from him ..then will this end ....
Here we are ... at the same spot again .... will i see another different day ? that i can be with u ...
Standling alone now .. against all odds .... i'm still holding on .. but ... will there be a day when i cannot take it anymore ...
People tell me this and that ... i get hurt everytime they talk bout u .... but i tell myself ... nv to lose trust in you ... i have to hold on no matter what ....
The sad thing is .. i always hear people talking bout you and him ..but not you and me ..... so depressed .. troubled ... sometimes just wanna let it all go .. i'm still waiting ..waiting for you to come along so i can grab u and bring u to lead a new life ...
it's not easy to be me .. or u .... i try to understand ..and dun blame u ....
So .. is my life this way ? my destiny ? filled with worries ..troubles ... never to end ...
ok .. i say something but u must promise me you dun get angry .. just expressing how i feel ... u said u were gonna call me but u took 1hr to call .. how much does this call mean to u ? meaningless ? it's me u are gonna call .. not any stranger .. i am TROUBLED .... and how long u take to call ... shows how much u care ... is it ? without adelene .. my mind probably ran wild and i probably gonna have another quarrel with u ....
So u get it ? i hope to wake up one day .. to see a message from you on my phone .. no need for me to be always the one to msg u in the morning ....
sometimes .. u have to make a effort to meet me too .... not always me asking .... if not .. there are bound to be problems u see .... something for messaging ..phone ... it dun have to be me everytime ....
i'm still troubled .. until the day u are away from him ..then will this end ....
Sunday, January 04, 2004
New Day.
ARH ~ ! Rise and Shine ! New sunday once again ! hope you 'll open your heart to love me once again !
Man .. this new blog creates some prob man .. cannot go to your journal website directly .. like what this wants man ? Haha....
You hoh ! Everyday make me worried sick .. at least tell me that u nv bring hp mah.. i was waiting at the ktv and coffeeshop for your msg .. but nothing came ... bit disappointed lohz ...
Yesterday the group i was with were talking bout you and that guy .. although it was hurting .... sometimes i just have to accept the possible truth .... and i should trust u .. but if what my dear friend .. has said is true .. that u have hidden your inside from me .... then i will be very sad ... i hope you didn't ..
Going overseas in 2 weeks .. damn .... not gonna talk to you for a few days ! but never mind .. i will be busy shopping for your gifts ! haha .... if i can .. get some for my buddies ... gonna work too ! Perhaps in a week or so ...
Whenever i drink .. it means something in my mind is disturbing me ... if not .. my heart is in confused state .. if not ..broken ... troubled .... so .. i will drink .. even though the taste sucks ....
i'm still wondering ... as the song goes " What can i do to make you mine ? Fallen so fast ..so hard ..this time ...what did you say ? What did i do .. how did i fall in love with you ... " when is the day .. i wake up .. to feel you safe in my heart .... i really ..don't wanna give you up ..... but it's all right ..if you still think we can't be together ....
Life is a game of choice ..as andy always say ... you choose your own path ... choose your own happiness .. it's a risk you gotta take ....
i can't take it anymore ... everyone telling me what type of person you may be .. talking bout you and him .. disturbing my trust in you .. i'm trying very hard .. to hold on to that trust .... cause .. i dun trust this world .. only you ...
Now the world is talking bout you and him ..i'm thinking ..why isn't the guy me .... i'm a bastard ... i deserve all the pain i suffered ..or perhaps even more ... i'm so sad .... no one is telling me to hold on .. i stand alone ...
is Life supposed to be so hard for me ? maybe .. but i tell myself ... i must not lose faith .. hold on .... dun let go ! i want you .... one day ... to walk this endless road with me ....
ARH ~ ! Rise and Shine ! New sunday once again ! hope you 'll open your heart to love me once again !
Man .. this new blog creates some prob man .. cannot go to your journal website directly .. like what this wants man ? Haha....
You hoh ! Everyday make me worried sick .. at least tell me that u nv bring hp mah.. i was waiting at the ktv and coffeeshop for your msg .. but nothing came ... bit disappointed lohz ...
Yesterday the group i was with were talking bout you and that guy .. although it was hurting .... sometimes i just have to accept the possible truth .... and i should trust u .. but if what my dear friend .. has said is true .. that u have hidden your inside from me .... then i will be very sad ... i hope you didn't ..
Going overseas in 2 weeks .. damn .... not gonna talk to you for a few days ! but never mind .. i will be busy shopping for your gifts ! haha .... if i can .. get some for my buddies ... gonna work too ! Perhaps in a week or so ...
Whenever i drink .. it means something in my mind is disturbing me ... if not .. my heart is in confused state .. if not ..broken ... troubled .... so .. i will drink .. even though the taste sucks ....
i'm still wondering ... as the song goes " What can i do to make you mine ? Fallen so fast ..so hard ..this time ...what did you say ? What did i do .. how did i fall in love with you ... " when is the day .. i wake up .. to feel you safe in my heart .... i really ..don't wanna give you up ..... but it's all right ..if you still think we can't be together ....
Life is a game of choice ..as andy always say ... you choose your own path ... choose your own happiness .. it's a risk you gotta take ....
i can't take it anymore ... everyone telling me what type of person you may be .. talking bout you and him .. disturbing my trust in you .. i'm trying very hard .. to hold on to that trust .... cause .. i dun trust this world .. only you ...
Now the world is talking bout you and him ..i'm thinking ..why isn't the guy me .... i'm a bastard ... i deserve all the pain i suffered ..or perhaps even more ... i'm so sad .... no one is telling me to hold on .. i stand alone ...
is Life supposed to be so hard for me ? maybe .. but i tell myself ... i must not lose faith .. hold on .... dun let go ! i want you .... one day ... to walk this endless road with me ....
Saturday, January 03, 2004
ACT.1 [New beginning ...] =-
Finally got a new website .. was looking at may anne's website and i'm so irritated ! her's was so cool ...Ncc today once again .. so boring and tired.. yesterday talked to adelene .... she was so tired yet she gave up her sleep for me .. pretty touched ....cos i nv found a fren like her .. True frens remains forever !
She was willing to even come down to downtown east on new year's eve to lend me a listening ear cos i told i was going thru a pretty tuf period ... so she kept asking to go down to downtown east .. i told her ..that i really want her to enjoy that very day no matter what ...
Hmm .. as for u ... i dun know .. u are the very very first girl that i dun get impatient with ... trust.. have faith in .... and i seldom flare up bcos of u ... not like my ex ..almost caused me to become mad ... so .. u are indeed special ... i really want u to be with me ... forever ....
Adelene says ... i'm care too much for my gfs.. pamper too much ... she says girls dun really like it .. they become afraid .. perhaps ... think it's quite true .. so how ? i dun know ... haha ..
i'm afraid oso .. that we will drift again since ur school is coming again .. that i have to work .. i maybe going overseas quite often ... ICEP programmes ... how how how ... i dun know .. pretty confused ... but hope we contact each other everyday ... perhaps in the night when both of us are pretty free ...
Hmm ... in the past , i cannot stand u smsing so much cos in the end u have not enuf for me .. but now i understand .. that i cannot restrict u .. cos u will hate it .... so i let it be .. and i nv keep asking u to go out cos i understand , u have your own frens ! so .. can we make it a promise that we spend xmas together and new year with our buddies ? unless u wanna come along oso can ...
Actually was getting pretty unhappy bout u and ur squadmates keep going out and all that ... but i tot ... and reflected .. nah ..... dun be so restricting .. if not .. she wun be happy ... as long as u are happy .. anything goes .... finally , i can understand all these things !
In the past i couldn't .. so it was pretty sad ... for wei ling too when she has to save so much on her hp bill ..but u know ... i just wanna know her better ..so goes the argument ...
so What bout life everyone ? wondering if everyone is going well ....
Anyway , hope to see u soon !
Even if it's just another day that i have to love u .. i'm contented ...
About me
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Ben.
- January PV month24th 25th ...
- Make a memory.
- The perfect vision
- recession + h1n1 . congratulations.
- now now... do looks define YOU?
- eat. sleep. gym.
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- Hectic life.
- ATTENTION!Yesterday , i have just booked his first...
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