Looking Forward

The holidays have passed us by, and the new year is upon us. We are hoping that 2009 will bring joy and happiness to all that we know and love.

2008 was a hard year for us. In many aspects. We didn't think it could get much worse, but we were very naive and were forced to take a look at what was really important. What had us looking ahead and optimistically happy was suddenly and tragically taken from us, as we lost our sweet little baby. I cry as I sit here, clearly I was not as ready to do this as I thought. I hope you will all forgive me if I do a little self-healing here.

December 30 was going to be a great day. We had my little sisters baby shower and it was my dad's birthday. It was sort of the "close" to the holidays, as it would be the last family celebration before everybody was back home. I had scheduled my routine doctor's appointment for the same day, thinking I would just run up in between parties.

My appointment consisted of all the normal stuff. The nurse came in and scheduled my next visit, which would be my ultrasound and the day we would be able to find out if we were having a boy or a girl. I was very excited to get that date set in stone. The doctor came in, went over the routine question and answer period, and then laid me down to listen to the heartbeat. When he couldn't find it, I was nervous. But, he assured me that it didn't necessarily mean anything, and that we would do an ultrasound. As we walked down the hall, he told me that I was far enough along that he might be able to tell me the sex of the baby. Suddenly I forgot about being nervous and excitement ran through me. I thought "this will be a great birthday present if I can find out".

As soon as the doctor turned on the ultrasound I knew something was wrong. I couldn't see the flutter of the heartbeat, and I swore to myself that I should be able to see it, but I didn't say anything--and neither did my doctor. It seemed like an eternity. Sure enough, my doctor put his hand on my arm and told me the bad news. It was shocking. I was numb. I cried, but not too much. I couldn't feel anything. And although I remember sitting there listening to my doctor go over details, I can't really remember feeling anything but heartache. As soon as I left the office and called Shane, I completely lost it. Shane was in shock as well. I sent him to my parents house so he could tell the family before I got there. I cried all night long and couldn't understand why this had happened.

Because I was so far along and the baby was too big for a D & C, I had to be induced into labor the next morning. It was tough to be in the labor and delivery room, knowing the outcome. I was flooded with memories of giving birth to my girls, and my heart ached even more. My labor was a long 9 hours. I had the epidural late which made it seem worse. Shane sat by my bedside all day long, just thinking. He wasn't sure that he wanted to see the baby, but I knew that I wanted to. The baby was delivered at 6 pm, and we got to hold the little one and say goodbye. It was amazing to look at the tiny little face, and every finger and toe. Our baby was perfect. I knew instantly that Heavenly Father had special angels to hold my baby until I could, one day.

They called it a cord accident, and it is very rare. Everything with baby and me had been perfect. But the little angel wasn't able to survive after getting tangled in the umbilical cord. The cord was around baby's neck 3 times. I have struggled with this, knowing that it was a flukey accident. I couldn't help but feel extremely unlucky and even angry, at times. But through all of this, we have felt extremely loved and blessed and feel Heavenly Father's hand over us and our family.

I spent New Year's Eve in the hospital, and came home New Year's Day--with a hope for good things in the future. We can never replace our little one, nor will we ever forget, but we will try to look forward with hope and faith that things will get better.

Right now, I'm still trying to get past the physical recovery from the whole labor and delivery thing {not fun, as most of you know}. Also, my emotions are still getting the best of me. We have been spoiled with love from family and friends, and we are going to get through this. I apologize for the length of this post--but I needed to do it for me. Thank you all for your love and concern, and your prayers. We are extremely appreciative of every act of thoughtfulness.