Bearing Burdens

Bearing Burdens Through Validation and Empathy 

As a single member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints who has no children and works in a helping profession, I’m often shocked when members don’t know how to effectively help with my pain.  I often ask myself, “Don’t they know how to use validation and empathy?” I’ve concluded sadly that sometimes the answer is, No!    

We covenanted to bear each other’s burdens at baptism.¹ Through our assignments and callings we are also sheep and shepherds.  The Shepherd knows his sheep!²  Elder L. Whitney Clayton has said, “Life presses all kinds of burdens on each of us, some light, but others relentless and heavy. People struggle every day under burdens that tax their souls. Many of us struggle under such burdens.  They can be emotionally or physically ponderous. They can be worrisome, oppressive, and exhausting. And they can continue for years.”³ 

I believe it is wise to know how to gracefully handle others’ trials, challenges and burdens. It has been said, “Duty makes us do things well, but love makes us do things beautifully.” Our goal is to try and see with a spiritual perspective.  As a single, adult sister whose burden has lasted for decades, I have been frustrated as ward members, and some in leadership roles, have seemingly dismissed my pain. While their intentions were to help, they caused more heartache and I’ve sometimes concluded I could not go again to them for comfort.  

One Sunday I sat in class crying; I was so upset I left the room.  A sister came out to find me and after telling her my woes, she responded, “Everyone has problems.” While this statement is true, it felt dismissive of my feelings.  One would never say to someone with cancer, “Lots of people have cancer.” Another unhelpful question was, “Is the glass half full or half empty?” What I was looking for was someone who would listen and care.  They did not “cheer up the sad and make me feel glad.”⁴ 

I have tried to get my pain across to a priesthood leader and all he could say was “There are worse things than being single. Just keep reading your scriptures and going to church.”  Yes, there are worse things, but for me this is my Abrahamic trial: I have been reading my scriptures consistently since I was 16 and have always been faithful in my church attendance.  Those suggestions did not help me. What I wanted to hear was, “I know this is hard for you.  I know you wanted this badly.  Things are hard right now, but slowly it will get better.  You know how to make that happen.  I have faith in you and we will be there for you.”  

It’s hard for the hurting person to take the time to articulate the magnitude of the loss and longing. It’s also challenging for the receiver to just listen without interrupting and without finding simple solutions.  When a hurting person is not heard, it is easy to feel like a lost sheep no one knows how to rescue.  The lost sheep may get louder, hoping someone will hear, or it may give up and be silent.  Sometimes I’ve felt that I must go through this trial on my own.  

At BYU Women’s Conference Sharon Eubank, First Counselor in the Relief Society General Presidency, talked about how Relief Society healed her of the heavy grief of being single and childless because the sisters “acknowledged emotionally” that she was still a creator.⁵ They validated her feelings and worth.   

Validation should be employed at first contact.   We all have people who we go to when we have struggles.  For me those people are the ones who know how to validate, and never dismiss or demean me.   Validation means substantiating, confirming, or giving legal force to a concern. Having someone confirm that your pain is real can be liberating. Validation gives a clear message that you are heard, seen, and cared about: it puts the hurting person at ease, feeling they are in safe hands, and it shows compassion. 

Here are some examples of validating statements:
– That must have made you feel angry.
– What a frustrating situation!
– It must hurt to have someone do that.
– That’s so difficult for you.
– Wow, how hard that must be.
– Yeah, I can see how that might make you feel sad.
– What a horrible feeling.
– That must be really discouraging.
– I bet you feel disappointed.
– I know how much that meant to you.
– That’s so painful for you. 

– That is hard!  I’m so sorry! 

– I can’t image! You are such a good person!  

– How are you handling this?  Do you have someone to talk to? 

– That doesn’t seem fair.  

If you want a validating statement to feel “true” make it about the truth of the situation for the other person. The truth is the way they feel about the event rather than the way you think or feel about the event.   

The following is a list of examples that do not validate.  

– Make it about you. “When that happened to me...”
– Try to one-up the person. “Oh, you think you have it bad...”
– Tell them how they should feel. “You should feel blessed.”
– Tell them what to do. “What you really should do…”
– Try to solve their problem. “I’m going to call that girl’s parents…”
– Cheerlead (there is a time for this, but not now). “I know you can do it…”
– Make “life” statements. “Well, life’s not fair…”
– Make judgmental statements. “What you did was wrong…”
– Make “revisionist” statements. “If you had only…”
– Make it about your feelings. “How do you think that makes me feel?”
– Make “character” statements. “You’re too sensitive…”
– Rationalize another person’s behavior. “I bet they were just…”
– Call names. “You’re such a baby.”
– Correct the “facts.” “That’s not what happened…”
– Use “always” or “never” statements. “You always get yourself into these situations…”
– Compare the person to someone else. “Why can’t you be like your sister?”
– Label the person. “You’re nuts.”
– Advising to cut ties or ignore the situation. “Just ignore him.”⁶ 

The focus should be about feelings, not the situation. To address feelings, it is useful to use emotional language, not rational or judgmental language - and you need to be sincere about what you are saying.  

After validation comes empathy.  Empathy comes easy to some, perhaps as a spiritual gift, but the skill can be learned.  Do not mistake empathy with sympathy. Empathy is the psychological identification with or vicarious experiences of the feelings, thoughts or attitudes of another. The Savior is the perfect example of empathy.   Sympathy is simpler and less effective in helping others.  It includes impulses of compassion but one does not need to “walk in their shoes” to understand.  

An excellent article about anxiety, in the March 2017 Ensign, included a list of what to say and not to say to those who suffer.  These tips and hints are useful for all kinds of troubles when dealing with others.  My favorite is what it says about empathy, “Be genuine. Listen in order to understand their feelings, appreciate why they struggle, and communicate what you understand. Empathy is the most effective quality of counseling.”  

Even animals have empathy. Perhaps you’ve had a pet that knows when you are sad or sick and will stay by your side?   There is a video of elephants at a zoo showing empathy.   A baby elephant is stuck in a small ravine with water and is trying to get out.  It tries three times, nearly making it each time, but cannot seem to do it on its own.  A bigger elephant moves closer to the scene and stands there for a few seconds watching.  This is sympathy.  Then the bigger elephant gets down in the ravine and somehow gets the smaller elephant up and out of the situation.  This is empathy.  This elephant got it. As Linda K. Burton taught in October conference of 2012, He observed and then he served. 

I have people in my life who ‘stand by’ but have not been in the trenches with me.  While they are there, I sometimes feel they are only humoring me.  I do not want to do life alone.  I would like emotional support.  Sympathy is a pat on the back, while empathy is a long warm embrace.  As someone who is touch deprived, I long for these embraces.  

While it has been over twenty years since my college days, my roommates are still some of my best confidants.  No matter how long it has been since we spoke, visited in person, how many children they have, or the difficulty of their own challenges, they are willing to listen. They share their own trials of parenting but never paint the picture that I have it easier.  They validate well and show empathy.  I know they love me. They have never dismissed my trial. One friend is still praying for me.  Their empathy fuels the flame of connection that has lasted over the many years and thousands of miles.  

Theresa Wiseman, a nurse researcher has learned that empathy has four parts.  

1.     Perspective taking, recognizing the other’s feelings as their truth.  

2.     Staying out of judgment. 

3.     Recognizing the emotion.  

4.     Communicating that emotion.⁷  

Theresa has identified what my college roommates do. When trying to help, counsel, and shepherd we should connect with something in ourselves that understands that feeling.  Maybe you don’t have that person’s trial, but perhaps another situation in your life might have caused you the same emotion.  That is bearing each other’s burdens. While I’ve never been pregnant, I have felt loss for a miscarriage, a stillborn birth or the death of a child. I have wept with a sister as she shared with me the early arrival and death of her last child.  These, and other situations, are human experiences. Please imagine that it is you in the trial and then you will be able to help. Elder Clayton tells us,  “Those who offer such assistance to others stand on holy ground. In explaining this, the Savior taught: 

“When saw we thee an hungered, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink? 

“When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee? 

“Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee? 

“And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.”⁸ 

Joseph B. Wirthlin taught, “as we bear one another’s burdens, we fulfill the law of Christ.⁹  It is my hope that as members of the true church we will know how to succor the weak, lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees, like the Savior, who knows how to succor them according to their infirmities.”¹⁰  

I’m thankful for people who, although they are not single and childless, “Get it!” It is my hope that all of us will “get” whatever trial our friends, family, and ward members are facing. When we do, and as we validate and empathize, we can better help them get through their everyday challenges and trials. 

¹ Mosiah 18:8 

² John 10:14 

³ “That Your Burdens May Be Light,” L. Whitney Clayton, General Conference Oct 2009 

⁴ Hymn # 223 Have I Done Any Good?  

⁵ “Relief Society—Divinely Ordained of God,” BYU Women’s Conference, May 5, 2017 

⁶ When Hope is Not Enough, by Bon Dobbs, pg. 103-104 

⁷ Theresa Wisemans, A Concept Analyst of Empathy,  Journal of Advanced Nursing 23(6):1162 - 1167 · June 1996 

⁸ Elder L. Whitney Clayton, That their Burden’s Maybe Light, Oct 2011 

⁹ Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, The great commandment Nov 2007 and Gal 6:2 

¹⁰ D&C 81:5 and Alma 7:12 Emphasis is my own.