I've been meaning to write this post for a while, but it's always hard for me to put into words how I feel about being a mom. I think mothers day is a good day to reflect on this for me.
Believe it or not, I was a full fledged tom boy growing up. I wasn't into boys (until later of course *wink*), I didn't like to wear dresses, I didn't' want my ears pierced, I didn't spend all my extra time planning my dream wedding to my dream guy. Basically I'd rather be doing anything other than being "girly." You'd think for a kid like that, having kids would be the farthest thing from my mind...but it wasn't. I didn't spend all my time thinking about my future kidos, but I did know for certain that I wanted to be a mom.
Fast forward a few years to when I met Steve. I knew I wanted to marry him, and I knew after we got married that I wanted to have kids....but I was scared. I was the person who always knew how to make your kid cry. Just pass them to me and away they would go. I always joked that, just as dogs can sense the goodness in people, babies could sense the goodness in future moms....which is why they cried because I would have no idea what I was doing, should I ever be given the chance. Scared. Would I make my own kids cry when I held them? Would I be able to be everything they needed?
We waited for 5 years to have Katy, but all that time they were still in the back of my mind. I always admired moms, but I was still scared to be one. I guess I just knew that I wasn't ready. And not that I didn't respect those who chose to be moms and stay home with their kids...but I wanted "more". I wanted to make sure that I had my collage degree, possibly a masters. That seemed like it would make me the person I wanted to be....well educated, making a difference in the world. So I went to school, forever it seemed. And I competed post graduate work hoping to apply to get my masters. I wanted to work with children and families who were going through what my family went through. I felt that I could really relate to kids in certain situations, that I could make that difference I was talking about. After graduation I was offered a job by my internship. It would have been an amazing opportunity that could have opened many doors...but I realized that working in the field I had chosen was a rough road. It was emotionally draining to work with addicts. I had not been given the opportunity, yet, to work with families and children (something a masters would have provided).
I was burned out....working full time, going to school and an internship. Most nights I would just want to come home and cry because I had not had a minute of "me" time all day leaving at 5:00 am and getting home at 10:00 pm. I decided that although my time in my program was well worth my time and effort, I was glad when it was finally over....but I still wanted something more.
After I graduated from my post graduate program the feeling to have kids was more in the forefront of my mind...and it seemed to be gaining speed rapidly. Would this be the "something more" I needed in my life. Was this what a ticking biological clock felt like? There was no doubt that I was ready to have kids. So we talked about it, made sure we were on the same page, approached it logically, prayed about it. We both decided that there wasn't any reason not to have them....so we decided we'd give it a try.
Now I was not scared of being a mother, I was scared about if I could be a mother. You never know if you'll be able to get pregnant until you try. I worried and wondered if waiting so long would lessen my chances. Would being on birth control for 4+ years affect anything? For us, we were blessed to be able to get pregnant and have beautiful Katy one month shy of our 5 year anniversary...just like we always joked we were on the 5 year plan.
Flash forward to this year and adding another one in the mix, Mister.....we are full fledged parents at this point. We may even think that we actually know what we are doing!
My kids don't cry when I hold them (usually *wink), and we are both working every day to be everything that they need. Just as I was exhausted going from 5:00 am to 10:00 pm...I am exhausted going 24 hours a day with these two. I don't always get the "me" time I feel like I need. I'm still getting used to having two kids and getting up for random nightly feedings. They are absolutely the "more" I was yearning for. I am so blessed to be married to someone I love with everything that I have, for the relationship that we had and were able to build on. I am so blessed that Steve works so hard to provide for our family so I can stay home with my kids. I have such a different admiration for those who chose to stay home. Things are not always easy, but they are always worth it...and I wouldn't change a thing. Becoming a mom is more that I ever imagined it could be because making a difference in my own children's lives is absolutely priceless. Emotionally draining days are defiantly going to be in the cards for me some days, but don't think I could ever get burned out doing something that I love with all that I am.
I can't wait to see where this next year takes me in my journey as a mom....thank you and Happy Mothers Day to my mom, my mother in law, my grandmothers and aunts, my sister and all others with a desire to become a mom for your example to me.
