Finding Life in Death.

Sitting here tonight, thinking about how things have changed and grown.

I forget who i am every time.

I feel like I am an absolute mess in this circumstance.

I discriminate, manipulate and .....

Growing older, to the knowledge of love, but to never know love.

When will I truly love myself?

I don't think I understand what you are trying to do.

I don't think the game is played this way.

I don't think you have a clue.

What is it in men to behave in such carnal ways? To only think for oneself, disregarding others in the process.

When did wearing you heart on your sleeve go out of fashion? Apparently masks and lies are the way to go by today.

I question the decisions I make each day. Mistakes, plenty. Right moves? I will never know.

I wake up each day, hoping for the answer. Hoping I will see the purpose of it all.

I want to say, that You are my reason someday, but I don't think I'd be able to say so, because a person should never be my purpose. I should be living for myself. and only Me.

Confusion, Anger, Jealousy, Frustration.

I am NOT FUCKING BLIND. You chose the wrong person to fool. I ain't playing your little games no more. Sick and tired of your blatant lies and lust. Fucking Tired of it.

When will this bad dream end?

Does it pay off to wear your heart on your sleeve?

Does true Love really exists? No one is giving me a reason to believe it in anymore :(

I have fought so hard for Love, but to no avail.

Actions truly does speak louder than words. I'm tired. Jaded. and crushed.

Did I overexpect? Or did I just wanted too much?

Is it so hard to just ask you for a greeting, an acknowledgement, some affection, a little of your time, or just, some sincerity and honesty?

I'm tired. How many times can someone pick themselves up after a fall? I just want to lay there. :'(

Disclaimer:
I am just very bitter right now, so what I may write may not be true or is just an pure bull.

I am almost thoroughly convinced that no one may be able to appreciate me the way I should be appreciated. Seriously. The world is just filled with jerks and cockheads. Do I scare you? Is it the way I think? It is the way I speak? Is it how complicated and advance my thinking is? Fuck no. You're just too dumb and shallow, that's why.

I'm tired of being strong. I've always wanted someone stronger than I am, though obviously impossible to find. Fuck weaklings. I can't even find someone good enough to protect me. What the hell am I suppose to do then? I guess I have to raise my guard then. Be better at defenses and build higher walls, so as to not hurt myself. I'm sick and tired of lame ass bullshit stories and excuses. Get to the point and get straight. If honesty ain't your cup of tea, then please move your ass over to the rotten coffee table.

I deserve to be treated better than that. I deserve so much more for myself. I want to be appreciated for my efforts. I want to be appreciated for the care and affection I show. I want to at least be acknowledged. I can't stand the bullshit no more.

Its either I'm the one who fulfills the void in your relationship, the one who is a replacement, the one who takes you off his mind, the one who is second to your work, the one who is only your toy, and the one who you just use and throw when you're done with.

I sick of dear, baby, sweetheart when you don't fucking mean it. If you say it, live it. Fuck.

I'm tired. I'm wounded. Heartbroken and torn apart.

I really don't know what to do next anymore. :'(

The Word.

So as I sipped my glass of Chardonnay, I started to consider saying those words. My apologies, THE word. I looked out the window of the breathtaking view of the Manhattan skies and took in a long and deep breath. As my chest puffed up, I sucked in all my guts and said THE word. Just one word, the word.

12.11am. You said hi. I responded. It started typical. Then the real shit began. Little did I know the ripple effect of just one word that was being uttered on that magnificent night. The frustration, anxiety, anger and disappointment was very apparent in your words. Most of all, you were afraid, afraid of me, afraid that I had everything to do with it, afraid that I wanted the worst of it. But did I really?

Hierarchy. Steps. Pyramids. Ladders. Position. Scale. Gradient. Ranking. Order. First. Last. and the infamous "in-between". Yes. In-between. What's worst than being second? You get the drift. I, was second. And will always be. Till death doeth your part. But did I want that? Hell no. What's the point? In the beginning, I was already second. In the beginning, I was already never a priority. I was never, IT. I was not the ONE. I was TWO. 2.

Then the games begin, the ups and downs. The scheming. The planning. The working behind the scenes. The smiles. The activities under the table. The hands. The wiggles. The eyes. The Secrets. The, Secrets. The Lies. The lies. More lies. and lies. and lies and lies. Endless lies.

So as I uttered THE word, I feel a relief. A weight off the 17th floor, as it played an easier role as it was closer to heaven. I turned my back and walked away to grab a double shot of Russian Vodka. I stood by the kitchen counter, gazing at the melting ice, as I saw our past dissolve away. It was over. I finally paid my dues (or so I thought). I grinned with delight as I walked past the crowds, over to You, feeling ever betrayed and hurt. For all these while, I was lying not only to the universe, but to myself. I lied. I believe my own lies. That it will get better. That someday, I will be happy like this. That someday, I would not hide in the shadows no more. That You "of all people", You "of all people".....

"Tokyo, Mitsubishi, Honda, Fujitsuuuuuu" the TV went as it played Scary Movie 4. I lied on the 5-star bed, with You in my hands, as my heart shattered when You said that You may not want to even be friends anymore. Was it your fear that drove you to say that? Was it that you hated me that much? Did I really wronged you? Is it really as catastrophic as it seems to be? Did I really deserved such treatments?

La Roux played on my iPhone as the E shook. "All false love and affection, You don't like me, You just want the attention. I'm Not Your Toy." My heart shattered. I know You didn't intend me to be your Toy. But you treated me like a toy. To be played with, to entertain, to indulge in, and to be put aside when Mummy comes home. I'm really trying hard to breath here.

Have you not seen how I have given myself to You too? You just don't get it don't you? You just can not have it all. The equation always balances and I ended in the negative end. I was the loss. I absolutely have seen you try your best to balance the scales, but it was always tilted. I don't fault you for that. You had your commitments. But I was dumb enough to believe that I had a share. And I grew to hate my share.

Was I selfish to act the way I did? Yes and No. I righted the wrong I have done. Though it may not equate to the backdoor activities I have done with you, it may as well be a good try to get things right. Consequences? Who's to pay for it? I don't know. Because it seems to me, that I am the only one being blamed here.

I'm tired. You may as well do as you please. I really don't have much to loose anyway. I had already laid myself out there for the taking and it didn't pay off. I guess I'll have to always settle just being Second best. The word? The word that opened Pandora's box. Misuse it, and catastrophic consequences besiege you. Be warned.

Sorry.

So I question., yet again. Square one you say? I don't think so. Its different. Its not the same. Its, vastly different. Well, at least I think it is.

My experiences speak volumes, but has yet to bring me to where I want to be. But where do I REALLY want to be? What is it that truly drives me to behave the way I do? Do I really need to do the things I do to get what I want to be? Is it worth it at the end? What End? End? Is there an End to all these? Meaning and depth.

Why do we try? Everyday. Desire and Goal. An Endless fight to get to a goal unknown.

What do I really want? Why is it that what we want and what is right are usually two vastly different polar ends.

I've questioned my motives of late. If they are legitimate and life worthy. If they are true to a cost.

I am always questioning. Till my death, I will ask.

This Gift of inquisitiveness. I want to see, I want to know, I want to feel, I want, You.

So here I am, sitting by my table, thoughts running through my head, emotions running high and tears welling up.

Yes, I have left this site untouched for quite a bit since the New Year, but there was no urgent need to rant or express.

Life was great. Was - Emphasized. Everything was on a roll, I had great results, I got to know wonderful people, got super involved, everything was perfect. Until..

What do you do, when you were so sure. When you felt great. When you were confident and secure.

What do you do, when suddenly all that was there isn't anymore? What do you do when all is broken and never the same again.

What do you do, when someone says, No. Not this time. No, You are NOT the one. No, thank you.

It is resounding in my head. Rejection. Defeat.

I had it all planned out. I had it in my hands. Or so at least I thought.

Then, when you need a friend to comfort you, He's far away.

I am in need right now. Fragile. Hurt and feeling that I am not good enough. because I wasn't the right fit.

Was I destined to always Fight for what I want and be the less fortunate?

This will be how I will express my feelings. Writing it out, rather than to get wasted on alcohol, blame someone else or cut myself. I will write it out.

I am feeling frustrated because I believed I was good. I was articulate, refined and poised. I was calm, eloquent and respectful. I was mature, descriptive and experienced. But yet, it was a No. But yet, I was the cut. But yet, I was passed.

Then I question, was it because I was no good? Was it because I was not good enough? Was it because I had so much experience that they wanted to give someone else a chance? Was it because I appeared overly confident? Was it because I was too gentle? Was it because I'm just a fucking short kid? Was it because I'm Asian? Was it because I'm international? Or was it just because, I wasn't the Right Fit. Right FIT you say. Yeah RIGHT~

I took an hour long shower and thought it out as the waters tip and tapped on my head. I lean against the wall. I turned against the wall. I covered my face. I sat down on the floor as the waters ran around me. I clasps my arms around my feet. I lowered my chin. I cried.

I questioned why. I blamed myself mostly. What did I do wrong? It played all over again. I tried revising the whole process. What could I have done differently?

Who was I fooling. All I really wanted was to help my parents save that money. With this, I would have gotten free accommodation and food paid for for the remaining of my undergraduate degree. I had high expectations and high stakes. I was not to disappoint. But I did. I failed them. I failed myself. I failed. I'm sorry Daddy and Mummy. I'm sorry.

I wished I wasn't a burden.

Now, I question.

Hug me now, will you?